[justkazuya]

Random check in post to the radio silence that is Tumblr

I’ve been on a pretty good streak for the most part of taking care of myself and managing everything that keeps my life fulfilling.

I’m doing my best to not move the goalpost every time I achieve something, but it’s just so hard.

I’m becoming more of myself, which feels really good. I’m taking action, and that’s so different than what I was doing even just 3 years ago.

I have so many thoughts in my head and my anxiety still feels the same level as always, but I’m able to mitigate and manage it and work with it as best as I can with my therapist, instead of getting rid of it completely.

I’m tired, but not suffering, and doing my best to keep it that way.

Do I slip up and go off track? Sure. But that’s just a part of being human, and I’m also doing my best to have more compassion for myself and not beat myself up as hard as before.

Is there a little bit of fear that this streak is gonna end soon and I’m gonna fall back into a black hole? Sure. But that’s kind of a part of living life and going with the seasons.

I’ll lose weight. I’ll gain some back. I’ll be super into dance. I’ll lose love for it when it gets too much. I’ll gain my community. I’ll be some out of touch for a bit. But the best I can do to set myself up for success in the future is setting up systems of support and consistent resources that are my safety net. So I don’t have to be as scared anymore.

Ebb and flow. I just need to remind myself it’s all part of living life as a very human being with an ego, intuition, and consciousness.

Goodnight.

[justkazuya]

truthfully i want a surprise birthday party so badly but nobody knows me enough to give me even a satisfactory one so i just kinda celebrate by myself

[justkazuya]

alright this is the third day in a row someone has called me hot… is this what happens on a scorpio full moon???

[justkazuya]

I'm rewatching dance videos of me from when I moved back to LA 5 years ago, and I miss how committed I was – both to dance and myself.

I know it sounds so cliché, but Covid and being financially cut off from my family really took a toll on my dance journey.

I tell my therapist all the time that I wish I wasn't so tied to money. When I was still living with my family, I lived a more flexible and playful life. I didn't have to worry about rent, I always had the option to eat at home, and I had more time to truly just live life for what it was. Sure, I was tied to a job to pay basic bills. But beyond that? Dance was my life.

I used to drive from South LA to workstudy for a dance studio in OC and drive to the valley to take class and drive back home to sleep – no problem, no complaints, no nothing.

Now? I worry on a weekly basis if I'm working enough hours for the week to make rent. Dance becomes a "when I can". I've shifted my focus from building community to building financial stability.

I used to hangout with friends in parking lots until 2am, dancing my heart out. I used to show up to spaces just to show up – because I could afford to not work.

I watch these dance videos from 5 years ago and I saw the same ambition, confidence, and commitment to dance that I see in other dancers whenever I go to the dance studio. And I feel like I'm no longer him.

I've shifted into someone who constantly feels like he's behind. Someone who feels left out. Someone who has to ask for permission to exist. Someone who assumes nobody wants to be around him. And frankly, I hate it.

Sure, I've work at least one major dance gig every single year, and yes it can be the product of my build up hard work over the years... But I can't help but feel so lost in my current dance journey.

I've lost my identity as a dancer. I'm now just dance-adjacent, working as a social media manager for a dance studio. And as much as I love my job, I miss who I used to be.

Sure, I don't necessarily miss the circumstances of 5 years ago – in a toxic family household, severely depressed and on medications, literally the worst therapist of my life, working for Starbucks and serving the worst customers alongside extremely negative coworkers, single and putting my self-worth in others... If I could just take that same commitment that I had 5 years ago, the same skillset, drive, passion, and romanticize dancing in LA again... I'd feel good about where I'm at in my dance journey.

But I have different circumstances now. And I have to accept that and work with what I have.

I don't know the point of this post. I guess I just really miss dancing.

I took 2 dance classes this week, and it feels nice knowing that I at least still have a little bit in me.

I feel my body rapidly aging too, which doesn't help whatsoever, but that's entirely for another post.

I just hope things get better and I land in a better place with dance.

Until next time.

[justkazuya]

Another deeply emotional post lmao (I promise I live a happy life outside of here, I just choose to vent about deep stuff on here because I feel safer doing so, idk why)

Anyways.

I’m going through old photos and videos of my time earlier this year and I feel so sad for myself and what I was going through. I went through a dream job and felt so isolated the entire experience. I was surrounded by so many people but had zero helpful support and felt so alone. I’m so stuck on “it was supposed to be good,” and though there are parts that were good — great even — there’s an overall lingering bitterness that doesn’t leave my mouth.

Maybe I had my expectation set too high for everyone I surrounded myself by. My coworkers. The management. Myself. I was left disappointed in all directions and left feeling empty and not knowing what to do with all the emotions I was having. I’ve become aware it’s never a good sign when I do this, but I relied on spending money and overeating food just to make myself feel better, because at least that was within my control.

It was just supposed to be good. It could have been so good. But it was just the mix of people who I was with who made or break my experience, and I left truly broken — almost discouraged to never want to experience something like that again. Like what was the point of wanting this so bad, finally obtaining it, then leaving feeling like absolute shit? I didn’t even get good personal coverage of my experience because the majority of it felt so shitty. Like I genuinely hated almost every second of it.

Just pure isolation. Sleep deprivation. Physical exhaustion. 2 out of these 3 things come with the experience. One is determined by the people I was with. And by the people I was with, I mean they ruined the entire experience for me so bad that I told white lies the entire time. I never want to go through what I went through again. A learning lesson — definitely yes — but something I’d never want to put my mind body and soul through again.

[justkazuya]

I’ve been such an anxious mess.

I want to say this is a call for help without sounding super dramatic, but it kind of is a call for help? I don’t want any of my followers on here to be like “I’m always here if you need anything” like no I don’t want that. Just hear me out.

I just want acknowledgement from a human being of all the shit I’ve been going through this past week.

My workplace environment is so unpredictable and shit, I hate it. Granted, I’m in the best case workplace scenario, kind of, so I can only complain so much. But working with other dancers who don’t know how to self regulate and have no form of self awareness whatsoever is fucking exhausting. In all aspects. Whether it’s actual dancers or the managers behind dancers, nobody knows how to navigate through their shit, so it just falls on everyone else to figure it out. I’m so overstimulated emotionally and mentally, and physically truly, up to the point where I don’t want to dance anymore. I’m so tired of bringing attention to people in the first place.

My sibling also took me on a 6 hour loop that involved calling 911, going to 3 different emergency rooms, and hours of silence and hunger. They’re the only blood family I talk to and being in that type of setting was so anxiety inducing. Like what the fuck.

My therapist is uncovering things and making me confront how I feel about my relationship, but when I bring it up with my partner, things were calm. I’m so used to environments and relationship of toxicity and torture that having a basic conversation and moving forward so easily without any tears or hurt feelings was so foreign to me, I almost want to self-sabotage and create the toxic environment that I’m so familiar with, but I sit with the discomfort of growth and feel anxious sitting with all these strong emotions instead.

I’m tired so I’m gonna sleep. It’s 6am. I’m so fucking exhausted in all aspects. I’m so overstimulated I want to quite literally die, but I won’t. Good fucking night.

[justkazuya]

“Do my routines reflect the life I want to build? Or am I running in circles to survive?”

@loveandmoneywitch on TikTok

[justkazuya]

I personally think going to the top of a mountainside park and seeing the city lights and having deep life talks with the right person would heal me.

I don’t even want it to be romantic, because I already have that. I think I’m just craving deep platonic connection with someone I feel comfortable with. I don’t want it to feel forced with someone I already know where it’s not in their character. I don’t want it to be with someone who doesn’t wanna have random conversations with. Almost like a stranger who I trust enough to be around at 3am but don’t know enough about them to know what’s probably going on in their head.

Maybe I’m just feeling lonely with the lack of connection I have. I always hate bringing up my depression because it feels like a “pity me” moment, but this is just me expressing I am reminded of it rearing its sad head into my life.

Or maybe I just need a break? Maybe I just need total isolation after being back to back with work for the past 365+ days. Or maybe it’s all of the above.

When it’s late at night like right now, I’m forced to confront my deepest thoughts and left to just ponder about the what if’s and the what I compartmentalized into a “save for later” mental bookmark.

I’m tired of stimulating myself all the time with work and empty distractions. My body, mind, and soul are just craving peace. I just want to sit and not have to think about feeling. I just want to feel the vastness of space down to the tingles in my fingers and toes and think of nothing else. Just be present.

I have therapy in 6 hours and I have no clue what I’m going to talk about. I guess I have this entire journal entry to decipher. I’m just tired of thinking and wanna turn my brain off for a second.

I’m just a crumb in this universe. I just want to enjoy life as it is. Is that too much to ask?

[justkazuya]

An honest vent currently on my mind

I’m reminded that even the most achieved can have it all but still not feel good enough. I’m in the middle of living the dream life I manifested for the past few years and thoughts and feelings of doubt set in so quick. I’ve been in therapy for several years consistently with minor gaps between therapists and still feel these thoughts creep up on me, and I’m really starting to understand the “chronic” part to my depression diagnosis.

I can’t resent myself for the diagnosis I have because it’s a part of who I am, and hating myself about it only makes it worse.

In the darkest parts of night, when I’m truly alone and sit with my thoughts and feelings, I tell myself fall into a mental pit I can’t get over, and I feel so isolated and trapped. If I don’t receive messages from family or friends on such important events, I tell myself that I’m forgettable and the value of the relationship actually isn’t that important. Then if it gets really bad, I spiral into the thought of what if I just wasn’t here anymore, and my presence is so replaceable because of how unimportant I feel.

And I think this is why it’s so important for me to be surrounded by people who constantly remind me that I am important, that I am loved, that I have something to contribute to the world. And while I don’t want to make that my whole personality or the source of my confidence or reason to live, it helps me feel okay. I can only remind myself so much that I’m lovable without the reminders from others. I’m so resilient but I can only hold myself up for so long.

And just to be clear — this isn’t a goodbye letter. But rather an honest spill of feelings I’ve been feeling lately and don’t know where else to put them down because I don’t know who has the space and capacity to hear me out. Everyone I trust to support me is at capacity, and to be fair I’ve been at capacity my entire life, because that’s all I know how to function, and to be honest I hate it.

I just want to feel better again. I just want to enjoy the things that normal people can enjoy without the interruption of chronic debilitating, disqualifying thoughts and anxiety that makes me literally throw up and hyperventilate when it gets to a point. The feeling reminds me of when I was at my worst, and I vowed to myself I would never let it get that bad again, and it never will.

I just want to feel better. And sleep. And eat normally. And work jobs where I don’t feel forced to work to live and instead just work because I want to. But that’s a whole separate conversation.

It’s 5am after a sold out show and I need to sleep, even though I’ve tried the past 3 hours. I need to take care of myself.

Goodnight.

[justkazuya]

I couldn’t help but

Wonder if our paths did cross

Back in Chicago

[justkazuya]

I need a fuckin break. And a therapist. Again.

[justkazuya]

Update: I’m back in therapy!!!

[justkazuya]

I need a fuckin break. And a therapist. Again.

[fishyy-stims]

Piping plover chick

[justkazuya]

The sudden reminder that I’ve inherited my parents’ need to “show” wealth and class through interior design and fashion, when I initially grew up to hate the same concepts thrown upon me. Now I’ve learned how to appreciate the concepts, but develop them in my own autonomous way where I can maneuver the fine line between “he seems like a chill guy” and “wow you have great taste in fashion and your apartment is so nice,” but never crossing the aforementioned “I’m better than you because of the things that I own.” It’s the balance of “aesthetically pleasing” and “balling in a budget,” but never crossing “in your face designer brands.” Because fuck the rich and snobby who forget about everyone else, or even those who forget where they came from and think they’re better than everyone else because “they made it.” A quiet luxury rather than a loud, obnoxious one. A comfortable lifestyle rather than an overzealous, excessive one, illusioned by wealth but shadowed by crippling debt.

All these thoughts just because I found myself wanting someone to gift me a $45 hand soap for my birthday… for the aesthetics… is that too much to ask?

[justkazuya]

Should I just quit the kids job I hate and just work at a local coffee shop?

Okay to be fair I don’t completely hate all of it, but I do hate most of it, especially feeling bound to the high income from my kids. But I feel like working at a coffee shop would feed my soul more than these kids could ever. I miss making genuine connections with people and getting free food. Or maybe I just need to quit my kids overall. I just really need the money right now. But at the same time it’s all just not worth the stress.

My gut says to just quit my kids job because it’s unfulfilling. But then I just jump into dancing in the industry full force? I tried that once and it just screwed me ofer. I’m not financially supported to pursue my dreams like I was before. Even though there are glimmers of hope here and there for my adult dance career, sometimes I just feel hopeless that anything is going to really happen at all.

Ugh.

[justkazuya]

My patience is running thinnnnnnnn 🙂

[justkazuya]

I’d share my Cashapp on Instagram for people to send me money on my birthday but my students follow me and my username is inappropriate 😭