i physically can’t shut up @justmossyaps - Tumblr Blog

greetings

welcome to the place where i crash out

main @justmossyall

(to preface this post i’m in the throes of a severe depressive episode rn so take this with a grain of salt, but this is not my first rodeo so im hoping this will help someone at least a little bit)

something that i’ve learned while trying to manage my depression and suicidality is to add The Outdoors to whatever i’m dealing with. what i mean by that is, for example, mentally spiraling on my back porch and letting the sun hit me. scrolling while laying in the grass. opening the window and just staring out of it for hours and getting some fresh air. sitting outside and staring at the moon at night instead of staring at my ceiling. it gives me a bit of dissonance sometimes, because i feel like “oh i am Outside so i should be doing Outside Things”, but the fresh air and sunshine has done me a lot of good. it definitely hasn’t fixed anything for me, but i’ve noticed it tends to make my spiraling or freaking out last a shorter amount of time. i think the goodness of The Outside counteracts The Awfulness into a sort of neutrality. haven’t seen any long-term improvement yet but it has helped short-term. so if you can manage to drag yourself outside or at least open a window, it might help a lot.

sincerely, someone who cried on her back porch for half an hour this morning but is now up and functional again

#mental health #mental health advice #depression #depression support

hmmmmm

#okay look #i prefer the numbness to the despair #but this still isn’t very fun #i feel so slow #im so so so bad at talking to people good lord #and it’s really hard to keep a smile on my face and be funny and cheerful with people right now #(okay emo tags up next scroll away now)#i had someone tell me recently that suicidal ideation is not all that i am #but like #it feels like everything #everything is just a wish for death #i really really just do not want to be alive anymore #and i feel like a selfish piece of shit for feeling like because other people need me - which makes me want to die even more #it’s just like inescapable #and even though i don’t talk about it and certainly don’t make it my personality it still feels like it just makes up all that i am #and it’s just weird #because i keep making art and planning for things in the future even though i feel like i can’t see past this right now #it’s very contradictory #and if there’s one thing i hate being it’s contradictory #idk this just sucks #and talking about it just makes it so much worse #cause now i’m just mortified #people like pry things out of me #and i’m like okay it’s too late now may as well just dump #and i have to learn to NOT do that #i have to share as little information as possible #uuuuuuuuugh okay anyways i gotta shut up #i said i was going to stop vague posting i need to stop

success

#no one noticed #i’m a super genius #good to know i dont have to worry about it

god i am sooooooooooo bad at this

#people always tell me i’m easy to talk to and a good listener but it sure doesn’t feel like it #it’s so hard to know when i’m pushing too much #cause some people need to be pushed #but then it’s like i don’t want to overstep boundaries #and then i just sound like an asshole #and uuuuuuuuugh #i wish people would open up #<- rich coming from me #i just wish i could know 100% whether or not people want to talk #but they just like play these games #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #i just want to be helpful #i’m so bad at this #i hate being like an anxious mess #i never ever ever stop worrying about people #and it’s hard to know to what degree my worry is reasonable #nothing i do makes it calm down

i understand the term “generational trauma” now

everything hurts so much

#on days like these i really really miss having a partner to comfort me #i don’t have anyone right now #i know it’s just a matter of time and patience and i’ll meet lots of people in college #it just kind of sucks right now not having anyone to turn to #my bones are like vibrating #it hurts so bad #almost started crying in english class because it hurt so bad to take notes #it’ll pass but it still sucks

i can feel my tolerance decreasing by the day

#GET ME OUT OF HERE OMFG #i need to graduate #i am sick of these people #RELEASE ME

is anyone else like sooooo tired? like SO tired? really super tired? like is it just me or what

i’m just kind of tired of feeling responsible for everyone and everything

uuuugh i don’t want to do my ap lang project i just want to make my linocut prints

#FOUR MORE WEEKS AND IM FREE

oouguguhguguhfuguhhh the chronic is paining

#help

has anyone considered that we can scroll on our phones outside. best of both worlds

perhaps this is a hot take but i think the best way to spend your “fun money” is on concerts. what is better than enjoying live music surrounded by a community there for the same purpose, and supporting the artists by doing so

fuck me i cannot handle a social event right now

#i can’t cope with anything right now i can’t do this #but i have to go #shit dude

it’s really really really hard to stop worrying about people

#i still worry about people i haven’t spoken to in years so you can imagine how hard this is #it’s really hard to not worry about him cause i can tell he’s not doing so great even just through his posts #and it’s like i just want to take care of him #but i don’t want to lead him on or make him think i’m trying to restart things by reaching out too often #i just worry about him a lot #i don’t know if he has anyone who’s there for him #i still feel kind of guilty for breaking up with him because who else is going to take care of him #i know i have to do what’s right for me and i don’t regret breaking up with him at all #i don’t feel that way for him anymore #but i still worry about him so much #i don’t know how to balance taking care of him and separating myself from him #if i knew he had other people there for him it wouldn’t be as much of an issue #but he never talks to anyone about anything #i know that’s just a guy thing but still #if he’s not going to/able to talk to his friends or family then i hope he gets a girlfriend soon so he actually has someone to help him #and i know i don’t have to be the one who helps people all the time #but like it’s hard to not be that person #that’s who i’ve always been yknow? the person who takes care of everyone and helps everyone #i’m just so anxious all the time #i keep having these awful intrusive thoughts about everyone #everything feels like a bad omen #what if he like kills himself or something #and it’s my fault #i can’t stop checking on him #i go to his blog multiple times a day to see if he’s okay #i can’t stop myself #i just worry about my friends and family so much it hurts #i can’t stop myself from spiraling over them

dude i’m suing the school omg there’s fucking mold in the ceilings

#i cannot stop coughing help #it’s so bad

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i physically can’t shut up