A Boy Mom

Debby just hit the wall.

[justsomehousewife]

I often forget to document the moments when they are sweet and beautiful. They’re easy to ignore, easy to breeze past them with eyes set on the chaos surrounding the beauty. But today has been full of beautiful chaos

[justsomehousewife]

Why do I only blog when I’m sad.

[justsomehousewife]

My dads fish are sad. I’m gonna have to fix that.

[justsomehousewife]

I find myself thinking…

This is what’s our marriage has come to, I must acknowledge that the spark is gone. It died. I don’t know if it’s a homicide or suicide.

I get the feeling that neither answer will make for a pleasant discovery. But like they say, “it’s the journey, not the destination.”

I also know I’m largely to blame for the mess we’re in. There are many other things I could say. But I’ll just remind myself that there ARE things about ‘me’ that are worth loving. I don’t need another person to remind myself of that.

[justsomehousewife]

It’s sad to think about it. But to sweep it under the rug is worse.

[justsomehousewife]

Also, just a side note. I may or may not literally be Linda Belcher.

[justsomehousewife]

Friday, January 13, 2023

There’s this old celebrity quote something along the lines of “I just want to realize things this year.” It’s only 13 days into the new year and I find that I’ve realized more care to this year.

By far one of the most troublesome is the following conundrum.

I find that I don’t know what’s worse, feeling like I don’t who I am anymore or not liking what I’ve found.

I’m either adrift in a sea of utter confusion or a floating lazy river of true disgust.

It’s like being a child again going through a metamorphosis into adulthood.

[brightlightsloudnoises]

a notary

at times we are privy to great stretches of life, immaculate spans when we can do no wrong feel no wrong when we sail like tire swings over choppy waters when we smile and goddamnit they smile back

and there are other times times when we stare at nothing through dirty windows times when it capsizes when the horizon fails and the night falls a little too quickly for our comfort

and in those ebbs I’ll take your hand I’ll keep you company because I have learned how to float. it’s nothing impressive just and adaptation a sleight of hand a lazy way of fooling the continuum of a well-sealed world

[justsomehousewife]

Today I realized that the trauma my subconscious has been trying to unpack recently is my grandmother’s passing and the events surrounding her premature end.

I mourn the choices I made and the ones I didn’t make. I mourn the years I missed out with her, but celebrate even the tiniest memory I have with her. From digging up her flower bed with her real tarnished silver spoons. So desperately in need of a polish but so appropriately placed in a humbled southern home.

I yearn to go back and ask her questions that I couldn’t before.

I miss the woman who gave me life. I miss her voice and the wise words she had on the rare occasions she was interested enough in my woes to truly contemplate a bout of resolute advice or empathetic admit of defeat.

I miss the part of my rearing that is genetically responsible for the woman I am today.

Good. Bad. Indifferent.

Forever lost at sea,

Nicole,

A housewife

[justsomehousewife]

The more I come out of the giant bog of hormones that comes with having a baby, the more I want to be myself again. The only problem is, the only me I can find is the me that’s a new mom again.

I yearn for my old body and old habits. I yearn to be a me that I can’t even remember.

Like a rubix cube or giant puzzle with no instructions. I’ve become an enigma. Something unsolvable.

But I’ve always liked puzzles and games.

Maybe I can find something new in this vintage toy.

[justsomehousewife]

Today I realized that I’d been failing. Not operating on the level I could be.

I realized this while remembering all the thing I could do.

[dankmemeuniversity]

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[wild-moonchild420]

The joys of being woman.

[justsomehousewife]

I love it though.

At least my fertility journey taught me to embrace it.

There are women out there struggling. And I know that because before my sweet baby, I was struggling.

[justsomehousewife]

Today feels heavy. Like when your science professor shows you how strong and dense plaster is when it’s dry and forgotten.

[justsomehousewife]

My wife doesn’t understand these feelings.

Doesn’t understand where I am coming from.

It’s natural you know. For an air sign to be confused about a water sign.

She doesn’t get me.

But even as she doesn’t get it; she’s the only one who tries.

[justsomehousewife]

I feel so alone. Most days I won’t say my feelings. Because they’re heavy. They’re what you read about on blogs and social media posts.

But God, I feel those things.

[justsomehousewife]

Some days my marriage feels idyllic and perfect.

Other days I feel like I married a stranger.

[justsomehousewife]

I used to have adventures and mayhem. Everything was new and fresh, I was so young.

I’ve lost that. Lost the spark. I feel alone and stuck in a body that isn’t my own.

I love my new baby but stress about the body he left behind.

I love motherhood but wonder if I’m failing, epically.

I love being a wife, but can’t decide if they love me like they say they do.

Everything is unsure. Unwritten. Undecided.

Life is fast and fleeting.

I watched a matriarch crumble and fall. All I can remember is the sad, the stupid, and sacrifice. I can just barely taste the privilege, the passionate, and personal honor it was to serve the family line like a Disney princess in the 21st century would.

I feel everything. I feel everything, and nothing.

I yearn for the past, all while I run to a comprehension of the beautiful dysfunction I lived during childhood. Good and bad.

Wrong and right.

Up and down.

Confusion.

Clarity.

I must be true to me. Before I can be true to those I love.