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I've been doing a lot better recently, a lot better ever since I've been taking my medications and have got a girlfriend. Everyone has their bad days, everyone has their good days, and I'm just having one of those bad days. It's got to do with the way that I look, like it always does. I think I spend way too much time on Instagram and probably Facebook and probably every other social media out there. For some reason I am attracted to female things and it really annoys me. I see pictures of women on social media and sometimes they're beautiful, sometimes they're ugly, sometimes it doesn't matter. What gets me is there close all the way they've done their makeup or something like that, that interests me.

My life is pretty great right now. I've got an amazing girlfriend, and I've got a lot of make-up and clothes and things that I love. Honestly there is no reason why I shouldn't be happy I've got everything that I want however I still come back to that one damn stupid thing. That one damn thing is why do I like this stuff. I know that what you wear how you show yourself etc means absolutely nothing what your gender is. But that doesn't help anything. At this point I don't even know why I'm writing this.

I was feeling depressed, while I still am however, I was feeling depressed and needed to get everything out there. Now I'm just angry and tired and Confused and lonely. The too long didn't read version of this, is the same issue that I've been battling for years, the same issue that has made me throw out everything that isn't from the men's section previously. Why am I doing this, why is this still affecting me, I thought this would all be over once I learnt to accept myself which I do accept myself.

I have a amazing girlfriend right now, the relationship is still really early stages but things are going perfectly comma with the exception of my sex drive is like almost gone and I don't know why. It's really annoying me, I used to have an amazing sex drive and over the years it's just really disappeared, not that this is the subject of this post. I digress, my amazing girlfriend has grown up and spent a lot of time around guys and she dresses in Guys clothes and there is nothing wrong with that full stop in fact comma it can be kind of hot. It's like having the best of both male and female it's kinda nice. So this relationship works pretty well among other reasons but a major one which is obvious when people just see is walking around is I am wearing a dress or a skirt and she's wearing jeans and Converse. That is not always the way sometimes it's the other way around the more sterotypical version. She supports me comma she has been so amazing, and I don't want to let her down. I honestly thought that I had who I am down Pat and figured out, however I don't think that is entirely correct. Either that or I know exactly who I am which is extremely likely, and occasionally my mind and body just regress back into my old thoughts.

I never thought that I would for example, wear a bra. Or even earrings or really any jewelry that isn't a necklace or a ring. Now I am going into Kmart and looking at bra and panties set, thinking about trying a bikini, trying to manually at home convert normal earrings in to clip on earrings and wear them out. What has happened to me comma where am I, who am I. I thought if I satisfied myself and wore high heeled boots etc then I would be happy and satisfied with myself. That has not been the case it seems to be after I successfully complete one mental block another mental block shows itself. At this point I am at 100% male with a dick that I love and don't want to get rid of comma and agenda that I don't want to change or get rid of because I love who I am, who I was born as, and how God created me. I am one thousand percent sure that I am a male. So why, why am I wearing dresses why am I going to the point of trying to find a way of having fake breasts so I can wear dresses so I can wear clothes and other items. Why am I wearing a bra when I don't have any boobs. I'm sure I will go to bed, go to sleep, and wake up in the morning completely fine completely happy completely rid of these thoughts. However these thoughts keep coming back and it's like at what point will I be satisfied. Will I be satisfied only when I am a fully 100% transition woman? Because I don't think it is, I love being my male self that is who I am there is not a shred of doubt in my mind when it comes to that.

So it is not a gender identity issue, then what is it. I really don't know, I really don't. I am a male gendered human being who almost only looks it in the women's section of stores who obsesses over women's clothes and makeup and then occasionally back to his nerdy self about dice and other things. What does that make me?

I'm starting to think this might be an issue, something that needs looking into. People say if it makes you happy do it, but is that the right thing to do? I am really not too sure anymore of really anything because when you forget about your other obsessions, when it consumes you to the point of spending all your money on clothes and make-up and stuff like that is it really healthy.

Cosplay, Depression & Future

I haven't written in here for a while. Things have been fantastic, and they still are. Kinda. I'm having a problem but it's a normal problem that I'm constantly having. It's not a oh Rob's going to kill himself issue but it's something that brings out my depression a bit. I'm going to keep this concise and in no way do you need to read this, or should you read this. Firstly, the thing that started this

Shitty cosplayer. There is no such thing in reality and I know like everything, the more you do, the more you improve but it's not just my technical skills that's got me beat.

Male or female? Besides learning how to craft armour etc, I want to cosplay more female characters than male. I'm scared of my family and how they will react, I'm scared of the public backlash of me doing a true to character representation not just a 'genderbend' where aspects of characters are changed due to physical appearance of the male.

Friends. I have plenty of friends, lot of you will probably be reading this and that's cool and all but when it comes to cosplay I'm either on me own or with friends who don't care much for cosplay and won't.. Reciprocate the fun times if that makes any sense? I wanna do cosplay things, I got around by myself looking at all these groups of cosplayers all together having a wonderful time, doing photoshoots together and the like. I hang around a photographer for ages like a bad smell for a photo. I'd love to make actual friends with other cosplayers and catch up at con's all the time but this is just not going to happen.

Male or female part two. I biological am a male, I am sexually attracted to females. They are the facts. Now what doesn't make sense to me is I only love myself when I'm either hyper masculine or in other people's words 'dressing like a woman'. That beauty that women have, I want that. So how do I do that? Should I do that? Why is this really bugging me?

Transformation. I prefer a 'mixed style' approach to every day clothing and looks. That I can pull off but I want to 100% look like a woman when I do these female cosplays. Someone's challenged me to be Suicide Squad Harley Quinn and I agreed, I'm taking up the challenge but how do I dress as believably as I can as her. I've got a dick, she's got boobs.

Androgynous? I hate labels, and a lot of people like to label me gay which is incorrect, I would consider myself a male, that's a label. I want to be able to slip between these labeled 'genders' whilst still having the anatomical parts and the attractions.

Future. All that appearance and acceptance stuff aside, works fucked, education is non existent and I really don't know what to do with my life. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I'm doing. I feel lost.

That's just some of what's going on in my head. I just don't know what to say or do. I don't want to go to anyone. I don't want to annoy anyone. Why can't I just love myself as myself.

I should be happy but..

I’m not. Tonight I went out to dinner with some friends and I wore some high heeled boots and some lipstick and it was fantastic. Nobody said anything which meant I was less awkward but at the same time it would have been nice. Over all yes I was have heaps of fun because I was catching up with old friends but what really made me happy inside is I was doing what I wanted to do.

I just really wish that didn’t have to stop as soon as I got back home, I wish that I could do that more often, I wish I had got a photo and could post about it because it was a huge moment for me. Now I am just sitting here feeling blugh. Screw society man.

It’s amazing how words can affect people’s perception of things. Crossdressing is a term I feel is very stupid. At their core, clothes are literally bits of fabric, and I fail to see how fabric is tied to one gender or another. I believe that certain bits of fabric made into particular clothing items are made for particular genders, particularly bras however the rest is free game. I mean honestly just writing that I feel I might be slightly wrong because males can also have boobs, so.. I think I just debunked my own thing.

The main point is clothes are just clothes and every human in existence needs to wear clothes. It is illegal to not in public. So why is blue clothes for boys, and pink for girls? Why Are high heels for women and suits for men? So when a man wears high heels, or when a man wears a dress or even a frilly top is it considered crossdressing and that the man in most likely gay? Similarly with women, wearing full suit, big bulky boots or other items considered masculine? They are considered butch/lesbian and to be crossdressing.

High heels were originally made for men, the first man to wear them was Louis XIV. Back in the days where men were considered above women that was shown with the men wearing heels. Similar story with the colour pink. A clothing catalog from 1918 suggested that little boys wear pink because it is "a stronger and more passionate color, and because it's actually derived from red." However pink was worn frequently by both genders back then. There are many more examples such as makeup, women could never perform in theatre so the men acted as both genders, and regardless of which gender they were portraying they used what is known as ‘stage makeup’ which is still used by both genders today.

Society today has a huge issue of labeling people. No matter who you are, what you like and what you are do you fall into a different category or ‘label’. There are arguments of how many genders and sexual orientations there are. It’s stupid. People shouldn’t need a label, people shouldn’t need to say or argue one way or another about what their gender is. It doesn’t matter if you have a penis or vagina, that shouldn’t affect how you dress or what you do. You are a human being along with the rest of this world.

Crossdressing is an ugly word because whilst the dressing part is correct. I don’t believe the cross part of it is, because there shouldn’t be labels, there shouldn’t be ‘crossing’ of any kind happening. No matter what fabric you wear over your skin should not be determined by your genitals. Everyone should be allowed to feel pretty, handsome, and happy. Society needs to stop taking people’s happiness away from each other. It’s not your happiness to play with.

One thing that over the past few months that has been said many times to me is that I need to start being more positive about myself, I need to do what I want so I can be happy. I still have a huge way to go, but I am on the right path.

I have cast a wider net so to speak, rather than just having my instagram closed and only accepting a few females I knew and random females from groups I am in about makeup I opened the instagram account up publicly and followed A LOT of my friends, in hope they would check the account out. Some did, others didn’t. Today, well yesterday I thought of the idea but today I was sick of hiding, at least so much and with the arrival of the Jeffree Star lipsticks I wanted to wear them but never before had I worn any in public.

I had my appointment with my psychologist today and last time I spoke to her I told her all about the things you read here, things I kept hidden, even from her, from my best friends, from everyone almost. So to prove I was trying and to actually try (plus I wanted to) I painted my nails which I havn’t done in about a month. Some simple design instead of one solid boring colour. I went to my appointment, we didn’t talk specifically about that but I found it made me happier as a person anyway. So that went according to plan.

The next part of the plan was to go home, and use one of the lipstick’s I had got the other day. I choose ‘Mannequin’ as it was very.. These are nude shades so it wasn’t too noticeable which was what I wanted. At this point I was shaking I was scared, I was planning to go to the movies in broad daylight with lipstick on. I ate some food for a late lunch before heading off. I was still nervous but not as nervous as some of the colour had come off when I was eating. Unfortunately though I was acting a little nervous throughout the day for no reason, no one could tell, it was all gone! We went to see Thor Ragnarok and it was really good, by the way. Just a side note.

When I got home I decided to upload a photo from several weeks ago to a newly compiled list of friends on facebook, about twice the size of my list previously to which would be able to see said photo. A lot more guys in this one.Now the photo hasn’t got heaps of likes, but one surprising one was Dan. My best friend, whom has never heard or seen any of this, at least from me before. <3 Now if only I knew how to talk about it with guys I could say how awesome he is for liking the photo! I also got a good friend of mine who already knows all of this, she commented on it saying, ‘ How are you better at wearing lipstick than me?! ’ which I think is pretty funny. I honestly don’t think I am, but hey I have had females tell me I can paint my nails/do nail art better than they can. That post has 8 likes as of right now. Pretty good. Even in terms of my normal posts that normally only get 1 or 2 if I am lucky. Speaking of likes, my instagram about this stuff has blown up a little, and I love it. It makes me feel happier. 8 likes on the post about my new nails, 13 likes on the post with the 8 different images showing off the 8 different lipsticks I got the other day and 20 likes on the post with the pictures of the lipsticks in their package and the caption saying it’s my first actual purchase. None of those beat the post about my first time wearing nail polish in public though with 22 likes, though I do think that is a pretty big moment. 4 years, 6 months, and 28 days ago I first let the public see me in a way that wasn’t formed by my family’s strict upbringing in terms of what people should look like.

I feel like I am a lot happier. I feel like I am making slight progress. If I really want to do this the hardest egg to crack will be the family but right now I am just really happy. Do what makes you happy.

-Stumbling Guy

Throughout this time of discovery and fun I have been using other people’s make up, whether it be someone just doing it for me or a partner allowing me to use their own. With a fair bit of education and forming opinions I finally got someone to send me nudes. By that I totally mean I purchased my own lipsticks online and got them sent to me. Lipstick is something that is fun and I have looked at a lot, so I finally bit the bullet and got Jeffree Star’s Mini Velour Liquid Lipsticks from the Nude collection of lipsticks.

It contains the lipsticks;

Skin Tight

Mannequin

Celebrity Skin

Posh Spice

Rose Matter

Gemini

Leo

Androgyny

I already knew I loved Celebrity Skin as that’s the one of someone else’s I used a lot, Androgyny is another favorite. Out of the others, a surprise favorite was Rose Matter. Skin Tight is an exlusive to this bundle. One thing I want is to in day to day life if I feel like it, wear things like lipstick along with my normal attire and for it to blend in well. More out there lipsticks I also love but that is more for at home use, the main purpose is mixing masculinity and femininity because why not? :) Skin Tight & Mannequin are both amazing for blending in I think. What make up should I get next? More lipsticks? Something else? I need some people to be honest with me, cause I am trying to create a good look.

#lipstick #makeup #jeffereestar #skintight #mannequin #celebrityskin #poshspice #rosematter #gemini #leo #androgyny #malemakeup

Last night, I conquered something which seems trivial to most, but my anxiety ridden self, thinks of it as a real achievement. Maybe because most people see it as trivial that no one celebrated like I did, that no one said they were proud of me. I was drinking with some friends and I had almost double what I normally drink (I made my own rather than pre-mixed which I normally have so it was harder to tell). It was 6 shots of vodka total mixed with Solo (there is roughly 3-4 shots in the 3-4 bottles I normally drink in one night), maybe a little bit more in total throughout my three drinks that night in a larger than normal glass cup (a special 21st birthday one I got). I was not only proud that I didn’t let my fear of what would happen interrupt that but I also didn’t let fear rule me on something else.

Well, being honest here I did say no straight out like I normally do, then I went outside for 5 minutes, calmed myself down and went back inside and just did it. One of the guys made a shot called ‘B52′ which had Bailey’s in it and some other stuff, I have no idea to be honest. I had always refused shots like that in the past, the same reason I refused to drink heaps.

All in all, it was a great night and though it wasn’t my night, I achieved my personal goals. That’s something right? Oh and after most people had left I actually admitted and showed one of my closest male friends about the make up, and the less than masculine stuff I talk about here. He was supportive, even started critiquing the photos but all in all he was nice and supportive and like others say, if i want to do it, just do it. So that’s also another plus right?! Won’t solve all my issues and the need for this blog but *shrugs shoulders*

“Do you wanna be normal? Do you wanna be just like everyone else? Being a freak is the best, alright? I’m a freak.”

It weird you know, I already know who I am, I am a geek who loves geeky things, pop culture and gaming. That’s me, the inner me, so all this other stuff is just...? I wouldn’t know what to call it. Mostly on this blog I have talked about feminine things because this is my only outlet but I also have other things that have piqued my interest. I have always been anti-coffe, always hated it but after someone got me to try theirs, I started feeling the taste in my stomach weeks later, possibly wanting more. I have since tried to make my own and it was disgusting, so I don’t know where I stand with that, because of the one I tried which was different from the first one, I don’t feel that taste anymore but I still sort of want to try again but only from that person's coffee as that’s the one I liked.

Another thing is tattoos, I have always hated the idea, mainly because I have a low pain threshold and I hate needles. I have always said I would show off my geekiness in other ways, and I have, if you’ve seen my house you’d understand. Now for some reason though, after writing it on some stupid list I made for myself trying to get over my fears, I have actually been thinking about it, but I can’t do it no matter how much I think the idea would be because of my original reasons for hating it.

Drinking, I used to only drink Cruisers, then Smirnoff Ice as well. I have tried all sorts of red and white wines, never liked them but after trying it twice, and only with food I actually found a wine someone gave me, that like the coffee I started to crave but have not really had the chance to try again. I’d love to try other things such as coke and rum and whatever but I can never do these things alone, I have to have someone there with a drink already and I try theirs until I like it.

All these things I said I hated, my entire life. All these things I rejected, and now suddenly I am thinking about them, more than just a passing thought once. I don’t get it, and every person I talk to will just tell me to go and drink, to go and get a tattoo, to just do whatever it is and don’t talk about it. I can’t do that right now and I don’t know why. Are these things I am legitimately possibly into or not? Why am I all of a sudden actually trying things and being a little less scared, why am I liking things I try because everything I’ve ever tried by recommendation I’ve hated.

I don’t know if I know who I am, well actually some people would say I have lost who I am, however I think I know who I am, I am just finally branching out and doing/trying things I have been too scared to for years. So it’s a positive thing. Mostly, just wish everyone could always have all the patience in the world or I could stop second guessing everything all the time.

Boy golly I can’t wait for these anti-depressants to fully kick in :(

There's a reason why this blog/space exists. I needed a place to say things where I wouldn't be annoying anyone. I've got a lot of supportive people but the more I talk about certain things, I feel the more I could push them away. It's one of the many reasons why I push all this to the back of my head, it's one of the many reasons friendships have been lost in the past. I need to talk about it, because it's new, I don't understand. But I also know, some people in the world would support you no matter what which is amazing, however sometimes that comes at their own cost, their happiness. That's not a situation you want to be in, someone else lifting you up and you're simultaneously bringing them down. Today I looked at this awesome purple/blue dress which have dice all over it, super cool. I didn't buy it as I'm waiting to hear back about stock however I'm even wondering if I should buy it, I mean I think it's cool but that doesn't mean I should get it. I'm kind of feeling right now I should just go back on any decision I've made recently and instead just do this stuff for cosplay like I originally intended. If I stick to doing it for cosplay, I get to dress up occasionally and I don't have to face telling anyone or talk to anyone about it. Win-win right? -Stumbling Guy

Just an FYI.

I am incredibly sensitive and that explains A LOT about me and why I get the way I do. Most of those directly relate to me.

#introvert

It really annoys me that I get regret, and shameful. All someone has to do is say something that is not fully positive and my brain reverts back to “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING”. On the bright side I almost told some friends tonight, though I chickened out last second and didn’t tell them.

Nothing is wrong with looking feminine or masculine, no matter who you are!

I want to cosplay as male and female characters, currently I have Scott Pilgrim, Kirito, Little Finger (Petyr Baelish), Reaper, Negan and my one female right now is Felix Argyle who in the anime Re: Zero is a male who likes to dress as a female, commonly known as a ‘Trap’ within the anime community.

Pictured above is Felix.

So cosplaying not only because I love dressing up, I want to be different people and I like some feminine things. Then in my day to day life I want to as I please be in the middle of feminine and masculine and then lean either side slightly depending on how I feel.

I am not going to label it anything, I do think labels are incredibly stupid. I just want to experience good from either ‘side’. Not that there should be sides. Besides things that either gender really need that the other doesn’t AT ALL I don’t see why we don’t have in stores, a clothing section where the only different areas are maybe kids & adults. Instead of the standard four we currently have, boys, girls, men, women. It’s stupid. Half of the stuff lots of women wear are men’s clothing. I’ve had people say I’m wearing a jacket from the women’s area when it’s actually a men’s jacket and lots of women are wearing it.

*MIC DROP*

Growing up in life we all have different experiences. We are told to look certain ways, act certain ways. All of that builds up until we have built a wall that tells us that things are meant to be a certain way.

From workplaces, schools, religious organisations, peers, they are all telling us what to look like and how to act. To big companies we are nothing but a number, to strangers we are just an anonymous face. I feel like an anonymous face, even though I have friends, and lots of people telling me it’s okay to dress differently, it’s okay to act differently.

However, I can’t still. For almost as long as I have been wearing nail polish, I've wanted to set my facebook profile picture as one with female clothing, or makeup. Never done it that because that’s public and I would feel ashamed. So my solution has been quite silly but it makes me somewhat happy I guess. I can’t get a super masculine photo of me so I have just removed my picture and cover photo altogether until I have a picture I truly believe is myself I can place there.

That in itself would help with turning negative into positive and making me a happy person however there is one little consideration. I shouldn’t make my profile picture something like that because potential employers will see that, and I might not get a job because of it. You may laugh but it’s a serious thing. Nail polish is a part of me, it’s something I love doing and i’m almost always doing but when I have job interviews I must remove that, I must reform but to my semi-masculine natural look because that is how I will have to be if I get my dream job, because that is life.

So I sometimes wonder if it’s even worth going public with all of this in the end anyway? I mean why put myself through the embarrassment and stress if I will just have to stop doing what I want just to live?

-Stumbling Guy

I guess my whole life I have had symptoms of anxiety, but I never knew and nobody ever told me. I just thought I was a special snowflake. My childhood was different, thanks to my no good dad. Growing up I would have panic attacks over silly things and I had no idea what it was. The school nurse just kept me away from whatever triggered me and I was fine after a while.

Now it’s grown into so much worse, every time I am scared or I think negatively about a situation I go into full blown panic attack with no way to calm myself. Now I know about it though I am on medication for anxiety and depression. I am now just sitting here wondering where it all went wrong?

I’m not saying that lot’s of people are shit, as a lot of people take medication for stuff like that but my life, I had average scores across school, enough to get my to where I wanted, a stable job, great family and maybe because I left it untreated, I don’t know but my anxiety and depression got worse. To the point now where if I am out with friends I will ‘spaz’ out, if I want to try something and i’m not sure about it i'll ‘spaz’ out, really almost anything will trigger it. I just wish it would go away or that I could control it as it is affecting my work life, but more importantly my friends, relationship, and my day to day activities.

So what’s making me so negative about everything that I ‘spaz’ out and have panic attacks? So far all I’ve come up with is it’s me. I hate me, we all hate/dislike things about ourselves but I can’t come up with a single positive thing about myself. I want to dress differently and I want to eat differently. They are the two main things. I like both male and female clothing and I like the idea of wearing male or female clothing and shoes. Male clothing is simple, works, some of it’s pretty cool but some of it I just don’t get or think is good (in terms of logos, pictures, design). Female clothing on the other hand can be simple to, but they also have a lot more on offer in terms of designs/pictures that I like, especially with tops. I’ve worn nail polish for a few years now and I love it, I have tried make up and I don’t understand it, I like how I look, so I want to understand it, learn how to do it and occasionally use some. The other thing being wanting to eat differently. I’ve always been a fussy eater, and I want to try and broaden my horizons, but fear/anxiety has and still does in a huge way stop that.

That’s the short of it I guess. There are many other reasons why I am ‘Stumbling Through Life” some I could possibly talk about, and others being more private that isn’t suited for public viewing. I don’t intend this to be really seen, commented on or reblogged, this is just an outlet for me. However if people have positive thoughts or think they can help, I will take on advice and if it helps I will use it to help someone else because there needs to be more good in this world.

-Stumbling Guy

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