just venting ok

Married LDS dad, saying things anonymously on Tumblr that I can't say in real life.

[justventingok]

Update?

For the few people who care or remember, an update. It's been a minute.

Still married, mostly happily. Still a dad. Still have a bi side. Still hide it. Still go to church. Still don't fully fit in anywhere.

But.

Raising teens is a joy. I get to watch them learn to love the world. I intentionally don't pass forward the shame my parents gave me. Knowing that they can be their authentic selves makes me truly happy.

Closeted friends, it's not all one thing. It's not all hiding, it's not all joy, it's not all longing, it's not all peace. It's everything, and it's okay. Better than okay.

[justventingok]

Pride

Closeted and questioning friends, remember that pride is for you, too. Even if it's completely private.

Scared to post about allyship this month because it might make loved ones question your sexuality? I see you.

Hurting while watching others celebrate pride publicly because you carry your secrets alone? I see you.

Embarrassed because you consider yourself part of the LGBTQ+ community, but you don't feel you belong at pride events? I see you.

Your journey is yours. Pride also belongs to you.

[justventingok]

Serious advice for the guys

Men, especially young men, listen up for a minute.

I got married fairly young, had kids, got a degree, mortgage, and career, worked damn hard for years to be the man I was expected to be. I appear successful in most things. And I finally realized I was dangerously lonely and depressed.

Your partner, your kids, and your job aren't a substitute for good male friends. You need your buddies. That's the easiest type of relationship to neglect, but it's the hardest to rebuild when you wake up later in life with nobody to talk to who really gets you.

If you've got em, keep em. If you don't, start reaching out now. Maybe start by reconnecting with friends from school. We need each other.

[justventingok]

PSA

Just so you know, LGBT+ people who are also religious are caught in the middle. If they don’t abandon their attractions, they get criticism from some well-meaning church people. If they don’t disavow their faith, they get criticism from some well-meaning LGBT+ people.

If you’re an “ally” or an “advocate,” accept people as they are. Believing or unbelieving. In or out of the closet. In or out of the church. In or out of the pride parade. Advocate for the whole individual person: weird beliefs, messy contradictions and all. Because being an ally is just about deeply caring that another person is OK. Not about waving a banner for an exclusive group.

[justventingok]

Well, this aged like David Archuleta. Which is to say, perfectly so far.

[justventingok]

So it's been a while, and nobody reads this. But, um, David Archuleta is the perfect example of this problem right now in 2022. Trying to be true to himself, he's too gay for a lot of Mormons and too Mormon for a lot of gays. He's getting hate from all sides for being authentic.

When somebody like David steps back from the church (any church), he still can't win. The church people say he never REALLY believed, and that his sexuality is a trial of faith that he failed. Meanwhile, anti-religious people yell WHY DID YOU STAY IN THAT HATEFUL CHURCH FOR SO LONG? They blame him for his devotion to a religion that he truly loved and tried hard to follow.

So even when both sides get what they want (the gay kid out of the church), they demean him for it. SMH.

This is a Mormon example, but not a uniquely Mormon problem. It's happening in many denominations.

Check on your people. We aren't all okay.

[justventingok]

Happy Pride.

I'm feeling more pride in my sexuality than I did a few years ago. No, I'm not out. But I'm happier with who I am. That's pride, too.

[justventingok]

PSA

Just so you know, LGBT+ people who are also religious are caught in the middle. If they don’t abandon their attractions, they get criticism from some well-meaning church people. If they don’t disavow their faith, they get criticism from some well-meaning LGBT+ people.

If you’re an “ally” or an “advocate,” accept people as they are. Believing or unbelieving. In or out of the closet. In or out of the church. In or out of the pride parade. Advocate for the whole individual person: weird beliefs, messy contradictions and all. Because being an ally is just about deeply caring that another person is OK. Not about waving a banner for an exclusive group.

[justventingok]

Well, this aged like David Archuleta. Which is to say, perfectly so far.

[justventingok]

Even if he's the most respectful, progressive, woke, egalitarian, gentle guy, he still wants to be loved and respected as a man. Equal does not mean asexual. Don't mistake self-control for lack of desire or broken masculinity.

[justventingok]

Hungry

I've spent too much time on weird websites chatting with desperate men. Especially during the pandemic. Talking about sex and looking at dick pics. But no amount of porn or dirty chat can really satisfy me, because what I really crave is so much harder to find. I need a deep, lasting, in-person male friendship.

It's like I've been hungry for a meal of real emotional connection for years, but I keep eating sugar to tide me over, again and again. It's rotting my teeth and I never feel full.

[justventingok]

Been a while.

You know that "it gets better" campaign, trying to reduce suicide rates among young LGBT+ people?

It's true even if you don't fit neatly into a category. Even if you're just questioning. Even if you don't come out. Because the longer you live, the better you understand yourself.

I'm basically in the same situation I was a couple years ago. But I feel more peace and optimism, even during the pandemic. I know myself better. That makes a big difference.

[justventingok]

Happy Father’s Day...

... to all biological dads, adoptive dads, stepdads, and completely unrelated male mentors. You don’t have to make a baby to be a great dad. Of course, a big shout-out to my brothers  out there who have participated in making babies and stepped up to be an active, stable, powerful force in their lives forever. It’s damn hard and maybe the best feeling in the world. 

[justventingok]

Hey you

You're not alone. It's ok if that's intimidating.

[justventingok]

Love the pic of you that you posted in narnia. You should share a pic of what’s under neath! You cock looks nice!

Thanks. I'm attached to it.

[justventingok]

How old were you when you first sucked a cock?

Probably between 5 and 7. Hard to recall. Haven't done it since. Read back in my archives for details.

[justventingok]

Coming Out Day

Happy Coming Out Day to those who have or will come out. Congratulations on your public declaration of identity. I hope you have great support and love from those around you.

To those who aren’t ready to come out yet, you’re important, valued, and loved too. You do you, in your time. Coming out is a choice.

[justventingok]

Men suck. Except...

I seem to encounter a lot of hurt people. Maybe I attract them, or maybe they are just everywhere and I meet as many as you do.

When somebody gets hurt, they often generalize their anger. Hurt by one cheating man? Men suck. A woman hits your bumper at Kroger? Women are bad drivers. Race, culture, religion, gender, whatever. When we get hurt, we tend to blame not only the person, but the category we associate with that person.

On one hand, that means we never act alone. We always represent our culture, our faith, our race, etc. in the eyes of those around us. But also, we need to remember to consciously separate the person from the group. The Guatemalan man who cut me off in traffic this morning didn’t do it in the name of Latin American people everywhere. He did it because he didn’t see my car.

Just a friendly reminder, friends. De-escalate your rage. It’s fine to be upset, but direct those feelings at the actual cause of the problem. A gender, a religion, or a cultural identity is almost never the real villain. The problem is usually one person who made a bad choice.

[justventingok]

Questioning is a valid identity

If you don’t know anybody who’s seriously questioning their sexuality, you’re not paying attention. In the alphabet soup of LGBTQ+, the Q often stands for queer. I like to add another Q for questioning. That includes almost everybody at some point. We all need a moment of truth, when we identify who we are and what we really want romantically and sexually. The questioning process can take a long time, and it can happen again and again throughout life.

If you’re questioning, you’re not alone. If you thought you had the answer once but you’re questioning again, that’s completely normal. If you’re hesitant to identify as straight or gay or bi or something else, no problem. You’re questioning. You have the courage to examine your own life. You have the integrity to say I don’t know until you do know. And even when you think you know, it’s OK not to know how you want to act on it.

Keep questioning, my friends.

[justventingok]

Courage

I’ve had a few people kindly compliment me on the “courage” to be open and vulnerable in this type of public forum. I appreciate the sentiment.

But I can’t help feeling like that label of courage is misapplied. I’m an anonymous person on the internet with literally no skin in the game. There are risks, but blogging is a fairly safe activity (especially for an American who’s not trying to subvert the government). I have it pretty good, people.

I can point to a lot of better examples of real courage. Great parents, teachers, public health workers, human rights activists, first responders (especially as I contemplate 9/11 today), people who improve the community at the expense of their own comfort or safety. I try to have courage in my real life. But a little honesty in an anonymous forum isn’t that.

Thanks for your positive responses to my ranting. I hope we all find a little more genuine courage wherever we are.