Fingertips on a lone hand already between her frame and the wall to the compartment clutched at the fabric on the seat. Nails catching and holding onto the thick woven material - it was not the only part of her that looked tense. Her words cool - collected against the knotted brow and scowl on her lips that suggested her tone should be anything but.
No one was free of tragedy.
“ If I were to leave, I’d lose everything. We don’t get freedom, Cecil. Memories are lost, connections, years impossible to take back. ”
Some stayed so long that their entire lives centered around the order. Headquarters was ‘ home ’ for more than just the exorcists in kind. ( Especially when some had nowhere to return to, even if they left. )
“ And you know what? You’re right. It is selfish. ”
Her words had taken on a sharper edge. Sat straight in her seat as she eyed the innocence before her with a mix of pity and jealousy. Her role already sealed in the order - but a fly in the grand scheme of this chaos. How she yearned to be able to handle a weapon that perhaps for once she could use to aid this war more than just hoping whoever she stood between would stay safe within a simple cast aura.
“ As painful as it is, those weapons just don’t bond by chance. Out of millions, that javelin thought you a good wielder in this war - and I apologize if you feel trapped by the role forced upon you, but some of us don’t even have the chance to TRY! ”
Her breath hitched in a tight throat. Slamming her back against the bench she looked away once more. Watching him instead through the fogged up reflection in that glass panel. Tone a biting whisper against the murmur of the train.
“ But you’re here. You made the choice to come for this mission, you made the choice to still work alongside us all. And as far as I’m concerned, that makes you just as alive as I. ”
he still can’t bear to meet her eye, glaring downward with brows knit together in worry, shame, hurt-- she did not understand. she did not know what it was like. the burden he bore-- he was supposed to rid this world of akuma and save people in the process, but he could barely take one demon out without losing his life. he wasn’t like the others: he wasn’t strong or fearless or brave at all. within every akuma he faced, cecil saw nothing but death, either his own or hers.
but then, he likely did not know what her life was like, either. the powerlessness in the face of evil-- the grandeur of things she could only play such a trivial part in. he supposes he should be lucky he gets to play such a key role, but in the end, what would he truly contribute ? he would end up just another blood - stained mark in history.
compassion dissipates at she spits her hard truths at him, and for the first time, he looks her in the eye. words fail him, and as her murmur fades, they remain in quiet. it takes him some time to figure out his thoughts, to form them into words, and voice is shaky when he does finally cut the heavy silence.
“ you saw what it did to me. you of all people should know -- the state i was in, it . . i -- ” he shakes his head, as if to shake off the thoughts and memories that came flooding back, “ why would you want to be like that, too ? how many people are out there that are like i was, you think ? who don’t get found by the order ? i would have died if i had stayed like that-- if the order hadn’t removed my innocence. ” he huffs, facing away and covering his eyes with a shaky hand.
“ you know, i’ve tried to hate it. the innocence. i’ve tried to blame it for everything that happened-- the akuma attack, almost dying, the years i’ve spent in fear . . but in the end . . i can’t. i can only blame myself, and thank my innocence for saving my life. and now i can’t save others’ lives, because i’m -- ” he cuts himself off with a sharp breath, hands clenching and unclenching within his lap before he stands up abruptly.
“ please excuse me. i -- i haven’t been thinking straight, i’m sorry for anything i said. i’ll be outside, i know where we have to get off. ” honestly, he just wants to get out -- it was hard to bear her judgement, perhaps because he knew she was right-- it was as if she held a mirror up to him, reflecting his deepest fears. perhaps he envied her, for her willingness, her determination. why was he given the innocence, when he never even wanted it, when there was someone like calera out there ? it wasn’t fair. it just wasn’t -- none of it was, and every reminder of that tore cecil apart more and more . .
