The World Without ❤

Pale, unconventionally beautiful and socially awkward. I'm a roller-coaster sometimes.

[jyanagiya]

I am broken from the inside.

The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole.

And I could not defeat it.

I detested myself. I grabbed my disjointed memories and yelled at them to pull themselves together but was met with no response.

If I can’t help myself breathe properly it’s better to stop breathing at all.

I asked myself who was responsible for me.

Only I.

I was utterly alone.

It’s easy to talk about the end.

It’s hard to actually end.

I lived until now because of that difficulty.

I told myself I wanted to run.

Yes, I wanted to run.

From myself.

From you.

I asked who was there. It was me. It was me again. And it was me yet again.

I asked why I kept losing my memories. It was because of my personality. I see. So It’s all my fault in the end. I wanted people to notice but no one did. They’ve never even met me so of course they don’t know I exist.

I asked why they live. They just live, just live on.

If you ask why I die I would answer I am exhausted.

I have suffered and pondered. I never learned how to turn this exhausting pain into bliss.

Pain is just that, pain.

They scolded me not to do this.

Why? Why can’t I even end things the way I want to?

They told me to find out why I hurt.

I know too well. I hurt because of me. It’s all my fault and all because I’m lacking.

Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?

No. I have done nothing wrong.

When the gentle voice blamed my personality I thought, ‘damn being a doctor is easy.’

It’s so odd that it hurts so much. People who have it worse than me live fine, people who are weaker than me carry on fine. Maybe that’s not true. There’s no one alive that’s got it worse than me or is weaker than me.

But I should live on anyway.

I keep asking myself why I should hundreds of times and it’s not for my own good. It’s for yours.

Please don’t say a word if you don’t understand.

Find out why I’m hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that, do I need to have a more dramatic reason? A more specific reason?

I told you already. Were you not listening? Things you can overcome don’t scar you for life.

Clashing with the world was never meant for me.

The life of fame was never meant for me.

That’s all the reason why it hurts. Because I’m famous. Why did I choose this. It’s so funny.

It’s a wonder I lasted so long.

What can I say. Just tell me I’ve done well. That this is good enough. That I’ve worked hard. Even if you can’t smile don’t fault me on my way. You did well, you worked hard. Goodbye.

[jyanagiya]

I watched you treat someone else better than you ever treated me… and in that moment, I lost all interest. Not out of jealousy, but because I finally saw the truth—you are always capable of effort, love, and respect. You just chose to stop giving it to me.

[jyanagiya]

When you marry a narcissistic man, you never get the chance to be a wife; instead, you take on the role of a mother because these grown adults behave like man-children. They go to work Monday through Friday and then spend their weekends sitting in front of a laptop, downloading music, playing video games, or creating messes for you to clean. You find yourself both single and a parent simultaneously, shouldering the weight of responsibilities without the support of a partner.

Narcissists don't marry for love or partnership; they marry because they want a maid, cook, secretary, banker, and a babysitter. They crave control, not connection. Their selfish desires consume them, leaving you to manage the household, raise the children, and cater to their every whim. Your dreams of a loving, equal relationship are shattered, replaced by the harsh reality of servitude.

As the days turn into weeks, and the weeks into years, you become a shadow of your former self. Your identity is erased, replaced by the exhausting duties of managing a narcissist's life. You're forced to sacrifice your own desires, interests, and friendships to accommodate their demands. The emotional labor is suffocating, leaving you drained, resentful, and wondering how you ended up in this nightmare.

You're not alone in this struggle. Many women have fallen prey to the charming facade of a narcissist, only to find themselves trapped in a loveless, thankless role. Remember, you deserve better. You deserve a partner who loves, supports, and respects you. Don't let the narcissist's gaslighting convince you otherwise. Break free from this toxic cycle and reclaim your life. You are more than a mother to a man-child; you are a strong, capable, and worthy individual who deserves to be loved and cherished.

[jyanagiya]

If I die tomorrow, keep the same energy or attitude you had about me today. Don't come to my funeral and pretend that you loved me.

[jyanagiya]

[jyanagiya]

I have no one to talk to about my feelings.

[jyanagiya]

[jyanagiya]

I'm empty inside

I just don't feel alive

And I don't wanna live but I'm too scared to die

[jyanagiya]

(jyanagiya)

[jyanagiya]

remind me

June · Playlist · 86 songs · 6 likes

Playlist I made inlcuding alternative songs from the 90s

[jyanagiya]

(jyanagiya)

[jyanagiya]

Sometimes I feel like this isn't me anymore. I feel like I'm so broken to the point of finding my missing pieces from somebody else. I'm so sick of being not enough and having no place to stay or call home. Some say, I will soon find my worth, but no matter how fast I run, I just can't feel it around. I wanted to scream loud enough for the world to know where I am, and I badly need a rescue in finding myself – in finding my worth. I didn’t know early what I need to follow, until I just find myself being left behind. I forget that the world will never wait for me, but I'm just so tired going an extra mile every day to find where I should go. I wanted to rise up every after I fall, because they say, that is all that matters and that is all that counts. But it takes heart to do that every single time; and my heart got enough brokenness. I just felt that sometimes, my heart is tired of beating pain. I wanted to know where I really belong despite how lacking and weak I can be – if there's really a place for me. -Hannah Blas

[jyanagiya]

I wonder how it feels to be wanted.

[jyanagiya]

[jyanagiya]

[jyanagiya]

(jyanagiya)

[jyanagiya]

I didn't cry. I didn't know what I felt.