i read something on facebook, about signs that your mother weren't going to protect you. the list goes on and every bullets were checked. like a fucking grocery lists on a sunday market
we were raised to keep the image good. even when no one's watching. it got worsed when social media became a norm and every negative thing has to be hidden. we didn't post anything about the disappointments, didn't air out the dirty laundry, and her image is squeaky clean. i only recently began teaching myself to accept these negative emotions and process them as they go. and even during those moments, the "why do i feel this way" still goes back to the way we were raised. keep the image, keep the face.
she chose to stay silent when i needed her the most. i had a rough time in high school, experienced things i shouldn't, and she chose to stay silent about it. the way she handled that situation still scarred me. i had pent up emotions from back then that i still can't process until now. and i think i need a shrink for this one because trying to do it alone is really hard. but it boiled down to the fact that she chose to prioritize something else and not my well being. even when i'm on my last leg. i was 14, and a ticking time bomb. i would've died couple of times if not for my sister
when i still live with her, there's no sense of privacy. i have a diary where i kept everything. in a house where you can't show you're weak, a young girl can only hide. she never honor it. she read all 8 of my diaries. i burned them months after she found out.
til now, i'm disappointed in her every move. i try to understand, she's old, she can't do it. but if you missed your child's milestone because you're not feeling comfortable, why bother giving advise and forcing them to listen to her 'teaching' ?
she missed every graduation and recognition of my two younger siblings. at this point me and my second sister became a parent of 2. because pur own wasn't present. she had the nerve to point out that she contributed, had the nerve to celebrate, she wasn't even there. i actually pity my siblings, they were still hoping she can be present.
i try to understand, she was raised that way. but then again it is her choice if she wants to heal from it. From the looks of it, she don't think she's wrong and if asked, she'll just narrate her pitying life (according to her)
but if you fill a cup with too much water it'll overflow
and if you fill it with hot water there's a chance it'll break
i had weeks of tormented nights because i still expected her to attend my wedding. by the time she told me she feels okay and she'll attend, i already cried for 5 days every night. i asked myself how will my fiancé's family react, should i explain, and had a good talk with my fiancé on how to not care about her anymore because it's our day. only for her to tell me she'll come.
i wasted energy and time over some drama that would've resolved itself. should've known it'll be like this. i guess i never learned
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