Backyard.

Personal art blog, mostly fan art

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I’m trying to be back.

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For myself

I was diagnosed something like clinical depression while I was treating my shoulder. I didn’t take it seriously, but it appeared and influenced me a lot later. So, I decided to treat it. For that, I’ve been keeping not to touch any SNS. I’m always hurt by SNS because I always don’t get notes, likes, share, etc like popular, talented artists. Then, I start to think I’m not talented, a worthless person. I always care how people, what kind of people evaluate me,  and believe it makes my worth. I frequently  judged myself worthless. This routine though is the main cause of my depression. So, I need to love myself as the first step to treat my depression. I need to have a self-confidence that is not controlled by people. I think when I become a person who doesn’t care how people evaluate is the time I got better. I really want to change myself. So, I’ll keeping not to touch SNS.  I continue to not update my blog. Sorry for that. But, I’ll check my massage box (I’d ignored a massage from my friend for a long time :P), so feel free to contact me through the massage.

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(´･_･`)

I hurt my right shoulder...it's too painful to keep painting with my Cintiq...hope I can get better soon...

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Blacksmith/Alchemist workshop

I always avoided drawing because my line quality is really bad. I didn’t want to see such my drawings. I was scared of drawing. But, I took a fundamental design and drawing class by an awesome artist. He frequently pushed me. I struggled a lot. Eventually, I noticed I like to design and draw architectures and interiors even though I still have a problem with my line quality. If I had not taken the class, I could not have noticed my possibility. What I mean is, challenge is important.

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Buddies from http://k-mnm.tumblr.com/image/101672276900

I really want to draw comic about them after when my situation get better. 

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Old GvsH sketches I found from the old folder

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go back and forth between 3D sketch and color sketch.  I’m pretty excited to paint and finish this piece:) I really appreciate 3D artists. 

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rough interior sketches. I’m trying to design blacksmith/alchemist workshop.

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sketches and doodles

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old doodle

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FATE

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One of the failed paintings I did in a class, but favorite. 

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TBH

English is not my native language, so there are many grammar errors, I think.  

Thanks guys who encourage me with thoughtful words. But, to be honest, it doesn’t help me, even put me on the spot, kinda. Whenever you guys encourage me like “You are good!,” I feel I’m miserable because I’ve never gotten any achievements as an artist, such as the tons of notes, followers, praise from professionals, etc. If I were a good artist, I’ve already have a something of an achievement. But, never. I’m tired to explain how much I’m a loser to reply thoughtfully, and don’t want to fill my pages about that. That’s my fault I whined with an emotional comic. I must give up on the life as a professional artist, but I can’t. So, it would continue until when I’m kicked  out from  this country, or when I could get something of an achievement by the time . This is a war with myself. 

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You ARE a fantastic artist! Your confidence should not be in the /quantity/ of likes and reposts, but the /quality/ of those who like and repost your work. Better to have 10 loving, dedicated fans than 1,000 robots reblogging (: Your people love you!

Thank you :) But, seriously, good artists always have the tons of notes or followers or attract admirations from even professionals. My super talented friends have them and I don’t have any of them. That means I’m not good. Thank you for loving my art. So, I want to improve more… I’m struggling with that for a long time. And I’m feeling I’m a loser.

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shoulder pain kills me...

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doodles and some repost I deleted for some reasons in the past.

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noooooooo your art is not shitty at all! it's too good, don't say that

Thank you :) But, I can’t have confidence in my art. My art may be not bad, but not good enough.