Better Me
Even though I've spent the last 3 years on my own again, I haven't really felt like myself or alone. It seems as though I'm consumed by many things, but at the same time, nothing at all.
At times I wonder what I'm doing, where I'm going. I feel like I've always been here, but I remember that I haven't always been here because here is different. Every time I wonder where I'm going, I always end up somewhere and I believe most of the time somewhere is right where I'm supposed to be. Sometimes being here and not there - where I used to be or where I wanted to be - makes me sad. I think of all the what ifs and doubt myself. I wish things were different back then so they would be different now, but would things be different now?
I recently spent some time doing things I used to do. Things that for some reason have come to seem scary and foreign, but these were things I loved. I told myself to be brave and I pushed myself to do those things again. It was scary, but great, yet it still felt like I was missing something. I also thought to myself why I stopped doing the things I loved, why I stopped being independent. Then I wondered why I always doing things on my own. Why it felt okay to be alone and doing things that I enjoyed and loved. Then comes the feeling of loneliness, not the feeling of needing someone, but the loneliness of not being enough for myself. The feeling of who am I? Regardless, amidst the thoughts in my head, I continue to push on, keep going, move forward to get to where I want to be.
These days, I feel like I'm in between so many things. I'm in between two cities, two lives, two completely different worlds, two different desires, two different feelings, two different career paths, two different me. Now, I'm not saying I'm two different people completely - not that mental illness, I'm just saying, I'm trying to make two different things work because the different things in my life are so important to me and I don't want to let them go. I love my family, but want to have my own family. I want to live in the city I choose, but I want to live in the city where my family is. I want to be independent, but I'm also dependent on all my loved ones. I want to do what makes me happy, but is my happiness this or that? What will make me happy? Perhaps it's time for me to focus on a better me. A me that can be okay with being just me and doing the things I love and supporting my loved ones in a way that will make me feel good about myself.
I read a quote today that said "Maybe you're not healing because you're trying to be who you were before the trauma. That person doesn't exist anymore, because there's a "new you" trying to be born, breathe life into that person." Perhaps there is a reason I came across this quote. Maybe I'm holding onto a person that no longer exists. Someone who no longer is the person I need. Perhaps when I start breathing life into that "new me" I will be a better me.
Here's to focusing on a better me, one day at a time.
