Before reading this, please know that I played through the episodes 24-30 and then immediately headed into New Era. Also, I am not giving my WHOLE opinion on the New Era content, solely the things I think the majority would disagree with (scrap that I see many people have the same opinion. Nice.)
> I understand why Nevra is tough with Leiftan and with us
Why is he so cold to Leiftan? After he was manipulative and a two-face (which is LESS trustable than a person who at least stood for their cause like Ashkore), we can see how Nevra is annoyed by Leiftan’s presence itself. He had to witness how people would make statues of him and Gardienne, how both of them were treated as holy entities, when at the same time, all he saw was how twisted Leiftan’s mind really was and how obsessed he was with Gardienne. I personally can’t help but feel bad for him. And again, our last memory is of 7 years ago. We have seen how the guard treats prisoners, criminals etc. and how they prioritize recovery over punishment. If they had such a precious connection to Lance before all the cases, they might have tried to keep the last dragon alive or have him recover or whatever. While that disregards the danger of him starting a war and I personally think that it’s a bit too stupid, I can at least follow the thought Beemov might have had and why Nevra is angrier at Leiftan than at Lance - especially since he’s an emotional person who takes things personally and has a temper.
But why is he so cold to us? Well, seven years are seven years, and I guess considering it in a very deep manner might be more appropriate here. Those are, if you want to think that Nevra waited for YOU specifically for years, 2555 days. If he hadn’t become bitter by being close to you the whole time, thinking that he had lost you like the others, knowing that he lost his friends who could have helped him through a time like post-war PTSD?! Bruh, I would feel lost and cold inside. When Nevra was shining before and is only there to watch for Karenn, he might have become numb to the circumstances. Everything has changed to HIM. And it’s imaginable why he therefore said that he has changed, too. But, at least to me, his cold behavior and his dismissive demeanor is a way of coping for him. Everything has changed for the worse for him as a person, at least from what we know, and he might feel lonely and depressed. We, as a person, remind him of the past of what he has lost, what he might have tried to forget to move on, or what he has experienced there in general. I would at the very least be strongly confused and overwhelmed when seeing that person.
THOUGH HERE I GOTTA SAY: The game doesn’t express that well in his reactions to us, and seeing that he probably holds us highly still, I realized that he was fairly normal/closed off. Maybe, Nevra is a great actor, maybe he’s not, but even with the confusion of his own, he causes confusion for ME in his interactions xD
I’m keeping all the criticism we all agree on to myself - we know it’s that way, Ezarel was my favorite, the new art is weird, I am not okay with the new system and Matthieu has not caught my attention or interest. So far, maybe there’s too little information to judge for Lance, as it will be a... shocking revelation (SIKE).
One last plea: You can gladly voice your opinions, but please keep them civil. I’m only human, too, and didn’t intend to hurt you personally, but to voice my opinion.
[Commentary (the same as in the other posts): Please understand that all of this has my heart inserted into this after paying too much for a game dear to me, yet disappointing. Beemov, I hate to bother you as it seems to be a waste of time, but please… Listen to your readers, at least to the demographic you aim for and their constructive criticism. Your game has so much potential, it could be so much more, and it breaks my heart that it’s not. Please, for our sake… We have been loyal to you for so long. This fanfic is here because I loved the original story and characters – with its flaws all included, and ultimately, we love your characters (at least the original), and just want a game that gives them justice, that doesn’t make us feel used more so than enjoying a story]
Warnings: cheesy, so damn cheesy, level of extra layers of cheese, ALSO CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BOTH ORIGINS AND NEW ERA SEASONS
Works: Ezarel | Nevra (this one) | Valkyon | Leiftan (Valkyon and Leiftan in the works)
When I chose you
It felt right.
The way you held me tight,
The way you would brighten
Up my day would
Bring sparkles in your eyes
That I wouldn’t be able to forget.
When things went south,
When people silenced my mouth,
When you let me down,
It took my time to count on you again.
Yet, here I stand, in your arms,
In your scent and your comfort,
In your loving embrace, forever.
Crystal or not, you were an ever-lasting
believer in me when I was in need.
Who could blame you for leaving,
for your sacrifice or getting
Over me?
In the end, I love you, still,
And whether you come back or not,
All of the memories, the emotions
Will never escape them,
Even if Mnemosyne’s spell
Would compel me to do so.
Nothing would make me get over you.
Nothing would make me want to lose you again.
My sacrifice should not be in vain,
And your happiness is what I need to
See as best for you.
Yet… Just so you know,
I love you still, and have not forgotten.
[Nevra]
You are so close to me, so incredibly close. Why must it have been 7 years ever since we have been a couple for you? I don’t even want to imagine my favorite, caring vampire must have gone through. Ever since my soul left my body... I swore to myself to keep you in the back of my mind, to at least try and fight to get out.
But maybe, I’m too late.
This will only result in me approaching him I assume. I can already feel the excitement bubbling up, countering the shock of the whole experience.
As I lay on the bed inside the infirmary, my thoughts seem to spiral by themselves. “How are you dealing with all of this?” I hear Ewelein’s concerned voice reach me, and I look at her with an appreciative look. Just like an olde sister, she examines me with a gaze that makes me shudder in guilt and heartache - she didn’t think that I were to ever come back.
“It’s so stange to see everything so different now that I woke up. The last thing I remember has been seven years ago for you,” I mutter, a little chill running down my spine again, and I look down. “But I’m glad that you’re all alive. The sacrifice was worth it.” Gathering the last amounts of strength, I smile at her in a way that I can’t describe. If I were to compare it to a graspable situation, it would be that I slept in a coma for 7 years.
“I can’t wait to see everyone who’s here again,” I mumble, and Huang Hua, sitting next to us and holding Ewelein’s hand, beams one of her enthusiastic smiles at me. “I can imagine. Chrome, Karenn and Karuto surely would love to see you! I also have to introduce you to the rest of the guard!” Hearing the second part of the sentence, for some reason, I feel a twist in my gut.
How could I get used to seeing the new parts of the guard right now? Currently, I’m still not entirely ready to confront reality yet. Looking at Huang Hua, she must have noticed my expression as she says: “... But maybe, we should take one step at a time. How about the two of us take a walk?” I nod with a relieved smile, looking at Ewelein, I can see a look of adoration towards Huang Hua.
They for sure make a cute couple: “Thanks. Ewe must be busy anyway,” I grin back and remark: “Congratulations to the two of you. I was rooting for you!” The two of them start laughing, and Ewe gives me a smack on the forearm.
“Ow!”
“We weren’t even an item back then! But I’m glad you didn’t tell anyone, everyone seemed surprised,” Ewe half scolds me, half thanks me for being a reliable best friend. Why of course, both of them should know by now, which I don’t refrain from telling them. However, before any of them can respond, a new infirmary worker calls Ewelein for help. With that, the three of us separate, not without me receiving a reprimanding to please pay a visit again this evening from my favorite nurse.
Looking at Huang Hua with a brow up, she nods to guide me to the hall, and once we are out, she suddenly pulls out a dark robe. “I have to tell you a few things before we take the round. Would you please wear this?”
And so, the round begins. Feeling the change and prosperity around the guads, all the exterior seems so lively - the parks, the refugium, the place of the cherry tree... Where Valkyon’s presence would probably rest if he could. Huang Hua explains it all to me - Ezarel and Nevra would be informed to gather in the crystal room immediately. Although Ezarel is rather hard to catch as he only is part-time assisting to the guard, Nevra should be here tonight... She explains to me the unnerving fact that Leiftan and I are the ones who have been gone into history books with our second sacrifice. It feels so strange how none of the ones still alive - or in Valkyon’s case, sacrificed as well - would never receive any credit. How is that any fair to the ones surviving the whole ordeal?
Disturbed of the two statues, I can’t help but sigh. “The two of you do look quite beautiful in these, don’t you think?” Huang Hua tries to lift the situation. But seeing how everything is so different, I can only nod. Suddenly, the pictures of the war that, only to me, seems to be fresh in my mind. Having realized that I won’t see quite a few of my friends anymore, at least I can assure that the rest of them are safe and sound with the life path they chose.
But, the two men that I consider closest family... I wish I could see them right now, especially a specific black-haired vampire that I fell for, seemingly 7 years ago. What has become of this place?
“He’s going to be back from a mission this evening. Until then, I will make an official announcement for the ones you’d surely want to reunite with. I will inform the other members of the light guard, too. That way, you can get to know them! Not until you’ve seen some familiar faces... Surely, that will help you into the situation,” she mumbles thoughtfully, and I’m eternally grateful for that. I can’t wait to see Nevra and hear him talk about what has happened. All I am are questions... But what I want to do, to tell him, to do with him is endless.
Now that I have awakened and been given the chance to live, I won’t let it slide. I just have to do it. Sure, it’s interesting to see what the new people are like, how the guard works, how I might help them... But I need to check on the person important to me.
What he might be like? Would he like seeing me? How has he been doing the past years? Well, I hope... But how should he be? The last thing I saw was how Ezarel left the guard not long after, adding Miiko and Kero. And, ultimately, he was left alone with the responsibility of the shadow guard, taking care of Krenn and Chrome in his own ways, and so much more...
Goodness. How much I want to show him my support right now... My heart itches to see him.
When Huang Hua is nice enough to grant me access to my old bedroom - which has been renovated in a surprisingly flashy way - I just try to get into my bed. Man, this is a lot to digest, but the rest I have taken makes me question whether I am supposed to do something while waiting. Huang Hua has informed me that people view Leiftan and me as holy figures, so should I risk a walk? Thinking of seeing my loved ones this evening, I realize that the time can’t come any sooner.
But realizing that I need to at least eat, I quickly rush to the cantine, trying to at least see how Karuto is doing. Sneaking a peak into how full the cantine, I can already see him serving the other people amazing dishes. Wow, and his clothing looks far more sophisticated! Thinking that Feng Zifu is around, I let out a small chuckle.
But peaking around like this, I don’t only see that this cantine is incredibly full, but that the two people who found me today are sitting there. As open-minded and curious as I might be, I realize that I don’t want to explain myself now, when I can’t even explain it myself. Quietly, I thank Huang Hua for informing Ez and Nev first.
But when I turn around to ask Ewe, Chrome or Karenn to order for me, I notice someone entering the hall. Something twists itself in my gut as I see him. My beautiful, now a little aged vampire no longer sports his eyepatch, and I’m glad that he doesn’t - he seems to have realized that he doesn’t need it. He looks so different, yet in his own way - his hair is now more mid-part, a little longer, his clothing still has purple, black and red accents, yet leave more of his physique to the imagination. But, and ultimately the source of my sickly feeling, I see him flirting with a girl - a beautiful woman I have never seen before.
He seems to have moved on, it seems.
Shocked, yet not entirely surprised, he and his date advance towards me, but I can’t move. For me, the whole scene is like a world crumbling in front of me... At least, that’s how my heart feels. Nevra unavoidably bumps into me.
“Hey, watch where you’re going.”
I wouldn’t have expected those to be the first words he has for me. But hey, they don’t count when he doesn’t know, right?
Knowing that it wouldn’t be fair to drop the information when it has been seven years, I just mumble, a shivery tone in my voice: “Sorry.”
Not even trying to turn around, I decidedly hurry out of the caféteria, hoping to find Ewe for the growling of my stomach before heading to my room.
Hours later, I am too exhausted to actually consider things well. Sorting my thoughts while laying on my bed, restlessly, I thought that I should probably read throught the information of the libary once I’m officially registered.
I’ve been lucky that Karenn and Chrome have caught me on my way out of the storage room, and ever since, they gave me a very secret update of their own - including their long relationship. They really are cute together, and I’m glad that they will accompany me to the meeting today - apparently not in the crystal room anymore.
It’s still an hour to go though, so I realize that I might as well visit the crystal room. Maybe, if I focused, I would get answers?
Noticing that I might as well find my alone time there, I leave the cloak in my room, taking the risk to finally be able to breathe. Once I enter the room, I take in all the changes of this place. It’s eerie to look at the thing I have spent my time in for years. Occasionally, I have seen people visit Leiftan and me, mostly to talk to me and address the crystal. It has been gut-wrenching, but I notice that these things stopped when I fell asleep...
Deep in thoughts, I approach the crystal, putting a hand softly on the big shard, once broken in the disastrous war. Knowing that I made the right decision soothes me, and the fact that my loved ones, this world, all of the people I have met survived it and could live in peace for years brings tears to my eyes. We made it. All of us together managed to save the world.
At this point, should I be mad at Nevra for moving on? I love him, my heart still aches, and of course, I shouldn’t assume the situation before communicating with him about the issue. But... I have realized that I went into this whole ordeal without considering how he must have felt, how much time he has spent without me... Taking a deep breath, all I can do is stand next to the crystal, the presence of it soothing me in an odd way. Now, without it, I can finally move, face the world, and not be imprisoned by it’s limitations anymore. So why am I scared now? What is supposed to halt me so much in my tracks?
“Gardienne?! Y-you’re alive?”
That voice. For a second I thought I must have imagined it as I have not heard any steps coming. But who am I kidding? Nevra is the head of the Shadow Guard - or at least, he used to be. My stomach seems to have solidified into stone by it’s heaviness as I turn around and see the same frame I have seen earlier today. The fact that he’s alone relieves me a little.
“I woke up today. Hey, Nevra,” I smile at him, but it must have looked as his shocked expression now shows worry. His eyes get bigger as he agonizingly slowly makes his steps towards me. I hear him absentmindedly mutter about Huang Hua and the meeting - he might not have known what it is about.
“Have I bumped into you today?” he asked again, his voice trembling just as much as mine as he comes to halt a meter away from me. He’s hitting the nail in the head as I take a breath and nod.
Just then, his face hardens, as if he doesn’t know what to do. I ache for his hug, for him saying that none of the things I’ve seen today are true. How much I wish for all of this to be a bad dream I can’t measure, but all about his behavior tells me enough. This is no time for wishing impossible things, a thing I have learned early in this world.
“It’s okay, Nevra. I won’t pressure you, it’s been y-years after all,” I mumble when all of a sudden, a lump builds up in my throat. This is no time to break down! I’m in no position to fault him for today!
“Yes,” he utters under his breath, then exhaling as he ruffles his hair with his hand, “I’m sorry that you had to see that first. I wish I could have told you before.” I hate the fact that my eyes appear glassy now. After all that I have experienced, THIS is what makes me weak? Keep your cool, woman.
“Again, it’s fine. You wouldn’t have expected to see me back there. But... how did you know it was me?” I just ask him to change the topic, I don’t want to dwell on the thought that my only love has moved on from me with other people, might do things that we have done for a longer time than necessary.
“I-I just knew. It was your voice, Gardienne. I felt it when I bumped into you. I am sorry for treating you the way I did today,” Nevra rambles while looking at his feet. It still feels painfully distant between us. Trying to approach him, I take my arm from the crystal and approach him. “It’s okay.”
That way, we stand in front of each other, taking in the silence. He doesn’t approach me, and I don’t know if I can.
“It’s been seven years since I left. I can’t fault you for moving on. I-I guess it doesn’t quite go into my head,” I admit silently, smiling sadly at him. His face appears bitter when I say that, as if something doesn’t sit right with him. Laying a hand on my shoulder, I see him take in a shaky breath.
Mumbling something I can’t quite understand, I don’t have enough time to ask him what it was as he continues, his voice now up in volume: “I’m glad you’re alive.”
That sentence is weird as I tilt my head at him. I wish I could just say ‘I’m also glad you’re alive?’ but I know that it doesn’t help the situation a lot.
“Are you okay, Nevra?”
Looking at him in more detail, I can see how deep his circles under his eyes go. Does he get enough sleep? And he doesn’t smile remotely as much as he used to. With that, my heart squeezes even more.
“Well, how am I supposed to react to someone who I have thought to be-” his voice cracks up, as if restraining himself to say the word, “to never come back. And here you are, all of a sudden, looking as if nothing happened between the war and now. A lot has changed Gardienne. I have changed. The H.Q. changed!” His words cut deep, and I don’t know how to react to them.
But it is clear that this is all real, and I can feel how my feet are too heavy to carry me. Sitting myself to the steps that thank goodness, they have kept inside the crystal room, I sigh deeply. Yet, I find the strength to turn around to him.
“Then... can we maybe catch up? I...,” gathering my words is harder than I thought, “I wish I could have been there, but I want to see what happened around here.”
His dark eyes muster me, one of them I know to be blind. Looking at it, I wonder how Shai’tan is doing. I smile at the thought of possibly meeting her again, trying to avoid thinking about the fate of my own companion.
He hesitantly puts a hand on his scarred part of his face, catching my stare. Do I see a blush on his cheeks?
“I don’t know, Gardienne,” he says, using my full name, “I have to get used to seeing you around. I...” He breaks off his thought process as he presses his lips together. He’s shivering.
Suddenly, I realize how hurt his eyes look, how much he’s frozen in place. This is definitely hard for him. I don’t want him to relive things how they were. It’s like a switch flipped, and I understand - I remind him of the things that happened. It’s no more me that he sees, he sees the war and the hard times after it.
“I mourned you. I am seeing that damn statue of you next to the cherry tree next to this traitor’s figure all the time,” he starts, and it feels like he’s breaking down. Holy crap. What am I supposed to do?? My whole body aches to hug him, to ease his burden. But will I worsen things?
“I tried to wait for you, to tell myself that you’d need me when you’re back. I tried to be there, I visited your place every day in the first months. Then... the chances became lower and lower. I thought that you were lost forever,” Nevra explains with a shivering voice, his eyes tearing up.
This is enough. Nobody makes the man I love hurt like this. Was this how he felt after the potion of Mnemosyne endeavor rolled along?
Quickly, I stand up from the steps and erase the space between us, my arms finding their way around him immediately. To my shock, his arms just press me against him even harder - it feels like he holds something fragile that might be gone.
“I-I found my different ways to cope. I couldn’t stand being lonely, not getting over you. Those women would help me forget you, even if it’s just for a little while-” With his whiny voice, I know that I should ignore the pang in my chest.
“All of this shit is cruel. To you, to me, to Valkyon, to Ezarel,” he whispers with bitterness. And it is the rage I can understand - I would have felt it too. All of this being seven years ago, I wonder how he must have felt to keep these emotions deep inside him.
For a solid few silent minutes, both of us just standing there, when tears also come out of my eyes. It’s indescribable what is happening. All of the emotions, no matter how long, eat us up. The war, our separation, the past seven years have taken a toll on us in a way. Nobody would be able to understand this moment, and I don’t plan to have this be a matter of discussion. We are here for each other, and I silently rest one of my hands in his hair.
Man, as much as I’m crying, I have missed him, his arms around me, us together. Out of impulse, I whisper, even if I don’t know if it’s true: “I’m here now. And I will do everything to stay with you for a while.”
When we head to the crystal room, we decide not to speak of it. I will give him time to process, but I have hope in us. We can get through it, and I will be there for him all the way - and I have no doubt that he will be there for me, too.
The room would probably be very beautiful for any outsider, especially since the skyscraper complex towers high above quite a few houses, and the view above the city is stunning. With that said, the occasion ruins it… And maybe I don’t like heights.
Yui’s voice has been as unnerving the first time as it is now, her soft and gorgeous hair all neatly flowing down her body. “No thank you,” I cut it short, not wanting to be here anymore. Why would she call for me anyway? After Kousuke got a call from her, I got ordered to be here during my time at work. At this rate, I won’t ever be able to work – not to speak of the fact that this black-haired witch was pinning me down with her eyes.
She’s using my defenselessness to her advantage.
“Oh, why not, sweetie? It would be with extra milk and sweet, in case young, beautiful women like you prefer milder taste,” she responds with the most feigned tone of pity, her arms reaching out for the cup and tray that was made for me.
It’s as if her hands and the coffee’s steam were out to get me. To be honest… it’s unfair that she is as beautiful as she is, with all the ugly fake behind her.
“I don’t really drink coffee,” I just say again, straining to my voice in order not to throw profanities or accusations at her. To be honest, she might have deserved them… But I’m powerless. And she, a beautiful icon, businesswoman and manipulative snitch has it all.
It’s unfair how life plays.
Have Nol and Kousuke had to deal with all of this in the past? I wouldn’t be surprised by their reactions, though so different… Kousuke would do her bidding, while Yeong-Gi would just freeze up at the mention of her. She shouldn’t be a mother to either of them.
“Aw, honey. How do you stay awake these days? Have you been taught the differences of coffee in your etiquette classes?,” her oh-so-sweet voice makes me even angrier, and I can feel my cheeks getting flush red. As she would talk to me even more, I realize that I might lose control even further if I refuse her all the time.
Looking down at my clothes, I can see my white blouse, black skirt and those darned black heels that I’m getting the hang of. I nod at her, trying to keep calm. I already do as she says, and already try to leave this company on my terms in as much secrecy as I can.
Her smile at me seems to be emotionless, yet she tries to tell me: “Oh! I see you are making progress as an assistant! I am sure that Kousuke will see you as great help in the future!” Knowing her words, I know she wants something. But these sure hit me too much. “Well, can you tell what kind of coffee I am currently having?”
Her entertained smile is the easiest to avert my gaze from. Seeing that she is holding her cup in her hands already, I can tell from the steam, the consistency, and the foam what coffee she has. And maybe, Assistant Jayce told me of the cat poop. “Kopi Luwak,” I say, now looking at my own coffee.
Some latte I guess. I genuinely don’t want to drink it, but maybe I will get some water for me later.
Anyway. What am I doing here?
“I just wanted to check on your progress, and see whether your son hasn’t bothered you with too many tasks yet,” Yui chuckles and waves with her hand in a joking motion. I could puke. “You know how my son can be! Always such a hardworking robot, he should take it easy on you!”
As I look back at her in a more than questioning expression, she doesn’t seem to change her demeanor at all. “That is it, Shin-Ae, sweetie. It would still be nice to chat with you once in a while, dear!”
Immediately I stand up, coffee still on the table. Looking at her directly, I can already tell that she won’t rest or give up. I have rarely seen such a dang evil person.
“I don’t want to chat with you ever again, Mrs. Hirahara. Leave me alone,” I say, heading out of the office. She won’t get me this time. Or so I hope.
[Commentary: Please understand that all of this has my heart inserted into this after paying too much for a game dear to me, yet disappointing. Beemov, I hate to bother you as it seems to be a waste of time, but please… Listen to your readers, at least to the demographic you aim for and their constructive criticism. Your game has so much potential, it could be so much more, and it breaks my heart that it’s not. Please, for our sake… We have been loyal to you for so long. This fanfic is here because I loved the original story and characters – with its flaws all included, and ultimately, we love your characters (at least the original), and just want a game that gives them justice, that doesn’t make us feel used more so than enjoying a story]
Warnings: cheesy, so damn cheesy, level of extra layers of cheese, ALSO CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BOTH ORIGINS AND NEW ERA SEASONS
Works: Ezarel (this one) | Nevra | Valkyon | Leiftan (Valkyon and Leiftan in the works)
When I chose you
It felt right.
The way you held me tight,
The way you would brighten
Up my day would
Bring sparkles in your eyes
That I wouldn’t be able to forget.
When things went south,
When people silenced my mouth,
When you let me down,
It took my time to count on you again.
Yet, here I stand, in your arms,
In your scent and your comfort,
In your loving embrace, forever.
Crystal or not, you were an ever-lasting
believer in me when I was in need.
Who could blame you for leaving,
for your sacrifice or getting
Over me?
In the end, I love you, still,
And whether you come back or not,
All of the memories, the emotions
Will never escape them,
Even if Mnemosyne’s spell
Would compel me to do so.
Nothing would make me get over you.
Nothing would make me want to lose you again.
My sacrifice should not be in vain,
And your happiness is what I need to
See as best for you.
Yet… Just so you know,
I love you still, and have not forgotten.
[Ezarel]
It has been… A while, apparently. The war has worn all of us down, and I can’t imagine that Ezarel wasn’t caught with it’s consequences either. I wouldn’t have wanted for Valkyon to die, for Ezarel to lose me, for Ykhar to die, for Leiftan and me to sacrifice ourselves, or just all of this death to happen around me. But, here I am, selfish enough to hope, and to dream of a future with the man I grew to love 7 years ago.
I have travelled on a Chau’Kobow for seemingly weeks. Huang Hua has granted me the wish to travel to him after a letter has forewarned him. It took a lot, and I repeat, a lot of convincing to ask that of her. Why would Ezarel want to retreat with Twylda and Marie-Anne in a completely different place? I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care. The crystal seems to need me less and less, and Mathieu will have to suffice to explain the whole ordeal with the human world molding with ours.
Hoping that his reaction won’t be as cold as Nevra’s, I ask myself more often than not if I am desperate with what I am doing, and try to avoid the obvious.
When I arrive at the destination, in the far horizon of this clear grass, I can see it – a house, far away from all the trouble. It feels like yesterday when he asked me if we could just ditch the guard once the whole war would be over.
I still wouldn’t hesitate to take the offer… But would he?
Only one way to find out. With a deep, shaky breath, I approach the far house with an increasing pulse. My whole body practically aches to hug him again.
As I come closer, I realize that the whole village seems to be part of a more peaceful and modest community. Having got to know Ezarel, I bet it would be a change of heart to his former life – a complete new beginning. It must be just what he wanted.
Slowly, I get down from the Shau’kobow, taking the last steps to the house. I can’t help but take deep breaths again and again, but it wouldn’t work on slowing my heartbeat.
The door is nice and wooden, just as modest as the town and it’s surroundings. I even see my own hand shiver when I try to knock on the door when suddenly, I a loud noise of heavy weights falling on the ground from behind me alerts me.
Turning around, I instinctively lay a hand on my weapon.
And there he stands. His mouth and eyes are wide open as he watches me, apparently, the sound came from him dropping a few wood logs. Hopefully, none hit him!
But even when I want to ask if he’s okay, if he wasn’t hurt, it’s as if his eyes held me in place. My body begins to shake even more brutally, and I can see how his wide-eyed expression doesn’t change. Please, don’t let this be a mistake. I wouldn’t be able to bear it…
“Gardienne,” he practically breathes out, as if it stole air from his lungs.
It feels like hours that we look at each other like this. His now wilder, untied blue hair and his ears of course are some of the first indicators of my Ezarel. But his outfit, his demeanor seems much less elegant, witty and intricate. He is wearing a simple top, pants, a belt and boots, seemingly uncaring of his poise. While he (luckily) hasn’t grown the moustache that he has once pranked me with, I can see that he seems more muscular, and that this life has changed him.
And I wasn’t there to see him.
But now I’m here.
Without wanting to, my vision blurs from all the tears that roll down my cheeks, and I can just see that he is going through the same thing.
“How are you doing?” I ask him with a crack in my voice. Seriously, Gardy, can’t you ask for a better thing? He hasn’t seen you for seven years and might have moved on from you, and this is what you ask first?
“I-“
All of a sudden, he approaches me, his eyes still focused on nothing else but my frame. Again, it feels like we are in a bubble again that we have had when we were still in a relationship… It feels like yesterday for me.
Not daring to move until he would be okay with embracing me, he, agonizingly slowly, reaches out a hand to my face. Overall, his shaky hand seems to be moving in slow-motion as he wipes a tear away. Understanding that he might not understand what I might talk about, he finally, finally opens his mouth to speak.
“You’re back? This is not a dream?”
In his voice, I can sense so much pain… Should I have not come? Should I have stayed away after all? The sudden thought ties up my thought, but feeling his hand resting on my cheek is so unbelievably calming. Hesitantly, I lay my hand on his.
“No. Should I pinch you to prove it?” I ask back with a small smile, seeing him smirk back.
“Please do,” he whispers, his voice sore.
Shortly after, I pinch him. His little smirk suddenly disappears as his body crashes against mine and he hugs me all of a sudden. the way he holds me incredibly tight, as if I could vanish any moment. As if time was ticking.
“I’m so sorry, Ezarel. I came back as soon as I could,” I whisper. This time, unlike the times before, he seems to have openly welcomed me, and again, I can see how much the elf has grown ever since the encounter.
I see how his simplicity and aura has toned down a little in its absolutely brash energy, and how much he has missed me. Uncaring of the danger of possibly choking, I tighten my grip around him.
We are shivering in place, and neither of us can say a word.
It feels as if an old system in body has awoken, and finally, it has clicked as to where I belong. Silently, I hear him laugh while his tears drop onto my clothes. This moment I do cherish.
His usual humor seems to have been swallowed in this moment, as he suddenly holds me back by an arm length, and orders me to please go inside and sit – he will just pick up the logs. Of course, I wouldn’t without helping him out, so I grin at him with a telling look.
An exhausted smile is plastered on his face. I can’t help but stare at him a bit before I bend down to pick up the rather heavy logs. After that has been done, both of us give us a look to ensure the other is fine. It must be strange for him to suddenly see me after 7 years.
Soon after, he hurries to the door to open the door. “Why, aren’t you a forthcoming gentleman today?” I smile at him, but his facial expression doesn’t seem as responsive. His smile is weaker as he says: “You learn a lot with two women around you.”
Right. Twylda and Marie-Anne must have made an impression on him. I can’t help but smirk at the image of them reprimanding him for his manners. “Why, if such a chivalrous gentleman appeared in front of me, I would have considered coming sooner,” I try to lighten up the mood, but I might have been too early.
Staring at me, he just drops the log into the corner of the room, and I decide to just do the same. While I see some elegant pieces of vials, and a little bit of a laboratory. I recognize quite a bit from his room and remember what I have seen in his vision. It’s funny how colorful his interior is in comparison to the modest wooden house. Maybe he hasn’t changed that much after all?
Standing at the side of the couch where he has sat himself down, I ask him: “May I sit?” He looks up at me, heightening his brows. He nods, following my movements with his piercing green eyes. With a hand gesture and a nod, he tells me to sit on the sofa next to him.I do so, but with well-kept space as to not overwhelm. For a while, there’s nothing but silence. This time, it’s me who initiates the conversation. “How are Marie-Anne and Twylda?” As he looks back at me with a lopsided smile, he tells me about their state. How they have helped each other to rebuild a new life, a new identity. Marie-Anne, the now healed young woman – who has grown to pass my age – has come back to the state of a helpful human being, with the help of him and Twylda. As well, the two women were able to come to a better path. Honestly, as he tells these things, they seem so incredibly unreal. When I remember Twylda screaming at us to let her to Marie-Anne as she was transported into the H.Q., she wanted nothing but to harm her. She had a lot to go through during those times, and I try to avoid thinking of the events in detail. But as I have heard in the past, I have seen videos on Youtube with a reported case in which the mother would forgive the murderer of their son, even raise them as one of their own. While it appears as a mystery to me, I am neither supposed to judge, nor do I have to understand. If both are happy, that’s all I care about.Well, that, and of course the elf who is telling me about them.“I’m sorry that I left, Gardienne.”Those words suddenly suck all of the established ease out of this room. For the first time since I have arrived, he averts his gaze. “I couldn’t stand the guard anymore. All the pressure, the tasks, all the memories to this place, and… you,” he takes a deep breath to continue. I just shake my head, knowing that he must have had a terribly hard time processing everything.Wouldn’t I also be overwhelmed if he has sacrificed himself for a cause, having me wait for months back then? And with all that happened… The war, the murders, the deaths, betrayals and other dangerous situations, who would I be to blame him?“It’s okay. I heard what you said as goodbye, and I understood. I still do, Ezarel,” I murmur, looking at him and putting my hand on his cheek. His eyes seem to become glassy again.“We’re here now,” I whisper with a smile, “And I am glad that you were doing okay after all. I’ve had a very strong boyfriend.”Swallowing hard, I realize that I don’t know about that aspect yet, and as his eyes shine with so much emotion and compassion, he just mumbles: “I don’t have anyone as of yet. I wasn’t interested, and something told me to wait.” His little smile shocks me in combination with his words. “I guess my instincts were right to do so.”Seven years.It’s been seven years, and he has waited for me. His eyes seem like a confirmation for me to go on, and I immediately lean into him to kiss him with all the passion that I have feared of losing inside the crystal. I was ready to give up on that to save him. And here we are…Did fate finally give me a happy ending?Once we separate to breathe in fresh air, his hands hugging me loosen up to look at me.His eyes shine with love that warm my whole body, and I can’t believe that this is going so fluently. “So, I hope you don’t mind accompanying this chivalrous gentleman in the future?” His eyebrow raises, but I can see that he is happy about me coming.The way I respond might be one of the most typical aspects of our relationship. Tipping with my index finger on my chin, I act pensive saying: “Hmmm… If there was payment involved, maybe I’d consider it? I’m hotly desired, you know?”His smile brightens, and it’s as if our compatibility would never be questioned.We would spend this night together, and the one after, and the days after that to slowly get back to each other.When him and I would strengthen each other in his alchemy business, I realize that he was right with running off all along. He’s all I need after all.
My mirror image looks so different from the usual. My hair is made up in a hairdo that is more elaborate than I have probably seen for a while – Rika and Maya insisted on making the make-up and hairstyle extravagant.
To be honest, having been younger, I bet it would have felt a bit different from today’s standards. Though, today is a bit of an exception.
Nope. That’s an understatement, today will be one of the most terrifying days of my life… What if I just got out of here with Nol, and we would just sit in the Wac’s a few blocks from here? That would have been awesome.
But probably, the white, beautiful dress I’m wearing would get too dirty for it to be ruined by the street’s mud. Its lace for the long sleeve and the v-neck cut really makes my rather slender figure look less like a stick. Taking in a deep breath, I realize that maybe, this wedding won’t be a disaster – after all, my friends, the Parks, Nana, dad and Rika have all helped me through this, and I bet Dieter and Soushi were Nol’s anchors, too.
I bet he’s just as nervous as I am.
“Shin-Ae, your necklace is put in the wrong way, do you want me to turn it around?” Ah, that was what made me look in the mirror in the first place. Keep your head together, Shin-Ae!
It’s not like he’s any less nervous than I am. Well, maybe I did most of the organizing of the wedding, but honestly, he probably is just as nervous as I am about becoming my husband.
Yeah, that must be it. I am about to become his wife, huh? That means Mrs Lochlainn. Yeah… Thinking about it now, his proposal feels like yesterday. When Nol proposed to me, it was oddly romantic, and he looked like he wanted to escape all throughout the date. Kinda rigid, but at least I found out why after we decided to go to a chicken joint instead.
Oh man…
Anyway, I’m going to marry in 30 minutes, and my heart feels like running.
“Shin-Ae! Do you want to talk to your dad? Or Min-Hyuk? You look dead,” Maya deadpans with a single glance into my direction, shortly checking her make-up before looking back to me. Rika, through the while, just peeks through the door, then turns back to the two of us. “Well, your dad is definitely at the door, Min-Hyuk looks like he’s talking to Dieter and Soushi about something,” she announces at our direction, having Maya exclaim: “I bet it’s a good idea right now! We will check if everything in the wedding goes according to plan, okay?”
This is going too fast. Feeling my hands shiver about the whole thing and the fact that the wedding event has started, I feel like my mind is blanking. For some reason, I’m a bit scared of messing up, becoming tongue-tied when the vows start. Not keeping up the vows. Being a bad wife. Everything about this is kind of strange. But thinking that Nol is my husband from today on makes it reasonable again.
“Alright. Thank you guys, I owe you one, for real,” I sigh in distress and smile at my two bridesmaids. Although we were off to a rocky start, we really have grown close over time. “Just repay us when Dieter finally marries his fiancée,” Maya nonchalantly replies, while both women in their yellow dresses head to the exit
But even that doesn’t compare to the way Nol and I have evolved into two dorks. Even during the times when I was crazily stressed out, he somehow manages to put up with my attitude. How does he even do that?
Either way, I could need him right now. At least I will see him at the altar I guess. When we are about to listen to the priest, vow to each other, kiss and be husband and wife.
Ugh, this is going to be something else for sure. I could use a good old hug, or a laugh, or some chicken.
But my father entering the room is what makes me rethink rushing to Wac’s for a Wac burger as he closes the door behind him, and maybe his excited face reminding me of the occasion.
“There you are, Shin-Ae. I was already wondering if they had abducted you or something,” dad says as he approaches me, then takes a halt to take in the way I look – a beautiful bride about to be bound off to the man he used to hate.
He would have hated any man that would come into my life anyway.
His stunned but soft and moved voice hits me as he mutters: “My beautiful daughter, about to marry…” Closing the distance, he carefully watches as he probably debates whether he should hug me or not. “This guy still doesn’t deserve you. If it went by me, he would have been hist-“ “Dad!,” I interrupt him, “Who else will support the fried chicken industry as much as he does? We need to keep him alive,” I argue back, a smile creeping on my face as I giggle eerily.
Today really does it, huh.
“Well, you seem very happy honey, and I hope that you two can continue to be there for each other. That guy really blooms with you around.” Whenever I hear that, my heart starts melting. I know that Nol and I appear to some as the ‘OTP’ (not looking at Maya at all), but I always feel a little softer whenever I see Nol being happy, smile like the fool he is, or actually just hearing someone how great he looks in general whenever he speaks of us and the engagement stuff.
At least now I know that Nana didn’t entirely force him into proposing to me. But we do have a catholic prayer included into the ceremony.
My stomach feels oddly bubbly right now, and I wish I wasn’t so affected before I would even see my redhead idiot fiancée. “Dad? I don’t know what to do right now,” I admit to him, feeling myself take in a deep breath, suddenly hyper aware to the way air fills my lungs.
“I am about to go out there and vow to him, and everything. I don’t even know if I am a good fiancée or not. What about wife then?”
Silently listening to me, dad does not really say anything as silence spreads itself in the room, and I slowly concentrate on my breathing as Nol has taught me once when I was close to panicking because of the nurse job, and it has served me for quite an amount of times.
“Shin-Ae, this guy is already happy to have you the way you are, don’t worry about that,” he just says, strokes his fingers through his hair to look at my hair and my make-up. “This guy looks at you as if you saved his life, and look at you. Now both of you are here. I think that should already make the case that he’s happy with you marrying him,” he finally answers, “Now come, let me give you a hug.”
Feeling his arms hesitantly embrace me, I also lay my arms around him slowly to avoid getting anything from the dress caught onto his elegant suit. “Thanks, dad,” I just mutter, careful not to stain his shoulder with make-up either. “No problem,” he responds, releasing me seconds after.
“Now, how long do you need to revise on the speech?” he asks as he goes back a few steps and looks at the cards I have prepared to reread before I might blank out on them. “I-I think I got it. I revised it at home quite a bit,” I respond with another breath, stealing a glance at the tiny little flashcard that I have tried to write so much. It feels like too little now.
In my nervous stupor, I swear I wish I could change the speech right now and just add more.
“Honey, you will do great,” I hear dad say and I nod absentmindedly.
“It’s really just Nol I’m talking to. He’ll probably goof out more than I will,” I mutter and stifle a chuckle. I’m just as bad as him, so I shouldn’t laugh. Technically.
“Alright, because I think it’s time already.”
This sentence makes me feel a huge stone weigh down my stomach, but my dad’s genuine doesn’t tell me otherwise. “What?” My voice sounds like it’s choking on itself. “B-but the people don’t sit yet, do they?”
“Actually, they wait for you now.”
“OMG WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!!” My nervousness shouldn’t be this terrible. “Sorry dad!” I immediately add, feeling sorry for my little outbreak. “Let’s go!”
“Alright, honey. Here you go.”
And as he gives me his arm, I intertwine my left one with his right.
When the both of us go down the hall of the church, everything feels so incredibly dreamlike. All the past work in the months before, all the organization that went into today, all the guest lists and seat orders and bills and themes – they all fade into nothingness as I finally see my redhead look at me, his eyes so intense and so glassy that my heart might jump any time. His smile is so genuine and so full of happiness, and I can see nervousness ooze from him as much as from me as we slowly approach him, dad still firmly holding my arm. If he hadn’t, I really don’t know what might have happened, but the way Nol and I look at each other now… It makes all the doubts and fears go away.
I’m ready for a long life with this goofy bigfoot.
The steps to the altar have made me worry, but now that I can finally see Nol within my reach, I suddenly feel calm, as if I didn’t need to look for my husband anymore. But as my father releases me with a smile, all I can see are Nol’s smile, and I swear, teary green eyes.
My heart is wrenching as I see one drop from his right eye, and my own eyes water. Is my smile even a pretty one at this point? I don’t care.
“Dear beloved, we are gathered here today…,” the priest starts to say, and he is a friendly one. His way of speaking about us, our duties for each other as husband and wife from a Catholic standpoint somehow is really encouraging and sweetly put. I am glad that we got him, and before the ceremony, I remember him wishing us the best.
While I smile and nod, I can’t help but catch myself stare at the freckled groom. There he stands, in a suit that makes him more handsome than he already is, styled hair, a yellow boutonnière and funnily, a last-minute addition of the pizza cufflink Min-Hyuk has bought him. I think he has mentioned that he got them for him last week. Looking at all the groomsmen, I can see Dieter, Min-Hyuk and Dieter looking at us, and as I glance at them, each of them smiles at me and/or gives me a thumbs up. Trying to suppress a chuckle, I look back at my groom, my heart already elated. His face tells me so much to the point that I can’t breathe for a second. Another tear falls down his eye and he smilingly wipes it away with his hand as my heart aches to hug and kiss him. But for now, holding hands should work.
This man…
This man makes me cry at my wedding, too. “As now, the groom can from now on proceed with his speech to the bride.” With a short Thank you smile to the priest, Nol now locks eyes with me again, so much more intense. For a while, nothing happens as we just stare at each other, until he breaks and laughs: “Sorry, I didn’t know that a wedding could make me this nervous today.”
A few short laughs fill the room, mine included. In the background, I can see Shin-Hye film the whole thing, but I couldn’t care less right now as my eyes gravitate back to his.
“Shin-Ae. When I first met you, it was when you splashed orange juice at me in a burger joint. You stood up for your friends and gave us a piece of your mind, even punched my school uniform clean. Back then, I had no clue what a ride I was in for, and what kind of person you were,” I can’t help but chuckle at the memory. I was a socially awkward person just trying to make things right with the little money we had. When I met you the second time, you stood up for your beliefs. ‘I don’t care whether you are the son of the prime minister or a random cashier at a food mart, you’re a human first’, you said to me.” As he mentions said thing, I feel starstruck. He remembers? How? Even I barely remember what I said to him years ago at the party. His genuine but also proud smirk is telling me that my reaction must be obvious, as I hear his speech to me. “And it was that that made me think of you. After we became friends, I have seen you defend your loved ones, and over the time yourself from what is bad. You are brave, you have a heart too big for your own good, and the best taste in chicken wings I could wish in a wife. Thank you for believing in me when only my Nana told me I’m handsome. I love you”
His unwavering gaze at mine gives me goosebumps, but I don’t care and wish I could just kiss him already. At least my cheeks hurt from all the smiling.
"I, Nolan Lochlainn, take you, Shin-Ae, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health" Although I have seen him tearing up and nervously laughing just now, these words come out in such an assuredness, warming my heart.
God, now it is my turn.
Luckily having taken my flashcards with me, I smile at him, vision blurry.
“Nol, back when I didn’t have it too easy, to me, you were a sly person, a good-willing guy who came off too strong. I didn’t understand that when you were doing these things, you were probably the most genuine person I could have ever met. And I am glad we made it through the times. You have proven to me time again that even if there was no other way to both chase your dreams and be there for your loved ones, you made it work. Whenever I was down, or had moments of doubts, you were there to light up my day, and make the best potato dishes I had the pleasure of eating. I love you, and can’t wait to spend my life even more with you.”
I wish I was better at this. My voice quivers as I keep eye contact with Nol, taking a deep breath. But seeing him break into a smile and glassy eyes, I just have to reciprocate. “I, Shin-Ae Yoo, take you, Nolan Lochlainn, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.”
He shortly looks at the floor, then back to me.
“Nolan Lochlainn,” I hear the speaker say, “Do you take Shin-Ae to be your beloved and wedded wife?”
The tall groom tightens his grip around my hand, closing up my throat. “I do.”
I can’t help but grin at him, looking shortly at the pizza cufflink on his suit to calm myself. But I can’t miss his gaze right now. I want to remember this for the rest of my life.
“Shin-Ae Yoo,” there is a long pause before I look into the eyes of the speaker, eventually hearing the only words that keep me separated from calling Nol my spouse. “Do you take Nolan Lochlainn to be your beloved and wedded wife?”
Looking at Nol with a smile, I have to nod while saying “Yes.”
I also tighten my grip around his fingers. Is this really happening? His face looks just as shocked, but I can’t wait for what’s about to come. “Now you may kiss the bride.”
I don’t care about the cheers once Nol approaches me and I put my arms around him. It’s too sweet to really describe, but I am sure in will stay engraved into my mind.
Saeyoung, I know that you can see me here. Whoever you are, wherever you are, this is my legacy for you. You don’t need to wait forever as long as we are together. And to cherish and love you, I wrote this piece for you. Our love story…
In case you get lonely, in case you have doubts, I will always be here to take your doubts away.
Hoping that you’ll always love me as much as I love you~
Your wife always,
Hana
.
.
.
.
~---°---~
Word count: 4555
When you read this, Saeyoung, I hope that you remember the early days. Haha, in fact, I don’t really know how I landed there in the first place, how “Unknown” has chosen me to be hacked. Maybe I have been just a random puppet to him, one in a million…?
But either way, I’m glad I met you.
Back then, when I entered the house, and suddenly, the phone has been entering the chat messages, you have immediately reacted to my arrival. In retrospect, it was pretty typical of you to analyse my profile, find out my credentials, my number, likely my credit card details (thanks for not hacking me hehe~). Funnily, you were immediately the one teasing about everything.
Hahaha, just as I read what you wrote, I just couldn’t help it.
Back then, in confusion, I was trying to grasp the information you and the rest of the RFA had given me – and to be honest, I was a little scared that I might have been in trouble. However, as things finally started to calm down, I finally caught myself catching a breather.
The first time we somewhat got acquaintance was right after you did a background check on me.
You as Seven, hacked yourself into my life and into my heart, and before you could pull away, you couldn’t break through your own firewall. See how well you kept me as our wife to make these jokes? Aren’t you proud reading this, hehe~ I hope I will get more good wifey points from you once we have finally married in our own little spaceship.
Hadn’t it been for that moment, I wouldn’t have known for myself how to get to you.
.
Oh, that day… It was a tough day for both of us.
“Cheer up meow! You’re with the person you like meow!”
I couldn’t imagine what kept you out, what kind of burden and pain made you restrain and go back this much. Initially, I was convinced to cheer you up and lighten up your day, but now… I can’t help but already feel unsettled.
Your words could’ve cut through butter: “Why is this on again…” Your way of eyeing the cute robotic cat didn’t affect the little fellow, however. Completely unwavering, your own programmed cat responded in its perfected fashion: “I turn on when I sense depression meow! You’re with the person you like meow!”
Man…
I wish that this forced confession would’ve meant more now, but as your face distorts in frustration and anger, I can’t help but worry.
‘What happened to you, Seven…?’ was a thought that played through my head non-stop, knowing that my previous calls didn’t change your attitude… But you sounded happier then.
“You like meow! You like meow! You like meow!” I nearly would’ve chuckled from the cuteness of this thing, hadn’t you finally lost your last straw with it. Your glasses partly reflected your eyes as you stood up, but I could figure that you weren’t exactly amused.
“Damn it. Shut up…!,” you yelled in your annoyance, making me sober up. This was no fun time for you. Trying to look at what’s wrong, the following movements all were so sudden: you approaching the cat, taking it into your hand, and taking a big swing…
With this, your own sweet recreation of Elizabeth the 3rd was no more – or rather, became many pieces scattered on the floor.
My face hardened at this sight, knowing that he might regret it later… And I couldn’t just watch all of this on the floor. It hurt. “ think it’s broken… Can I fix it?”
Muttering those words to you didn’t seem to help your mood become any calmer. “Just leave it. It’s useless,” you just replied, eyes looked on the pieces as if to avoid my eyes. This room, all of these insides felt even colder than before. The bomb suddenly didn’t bother me as much.
“I’ll throw it away later,” you said with a effortlessly booming, icy voice, although you probably didn’t try to sound menacing. At least I would always trust you not to hurt me. Just as assured as I am now, writing this piece to you, I used to be back then.
Your words… It was a bittersweet, funny thought. “And I’ll be leaving soon, so just forget about me.” While you tried to push me away, throwing knives into my heart, it’s as if it was the only goal for you. You seemed to run away, and with this, the hacker 707 became the most predictable person I could hack myself. Neither me, nor the RFA were meaningless to you, and your efforts to protect us proved it.
“I’m sure you’re just upset over Yoosung!,” I just replied with as much enthusiasm as I could muster – I hated the cold feeling of the apartment, “Cheer up!” I just wanted him to be happy, to forget his grief. And I have always been glad to be born a fighter. Your statement: “It’s none of your business how I feel” sobered me up like anything else. But sulking and choosing to be hurt wasn’t an option for me when I knew what my goal was.
I would not take these empty phrases to heart. Back then I already knew that this was not the true Seven or Luciel. Or the true you… And ironically, you started saying these things as if you purposefully tried to contradict yourself: “You wouldn’t have known, but this is how I’ve always felt. There was never a single day when I wasn’t depressed.”
‘This man would make me start praying to God again’, I thought. I wanted to make you feel liberated for a change, to help you with your burden. But then, as you said these words, I understood that if you struggled for a long time… Maybe you didn’t know how to confide in me? Maybe you needed to figure out how to share and disclose yourself to other people before you could trust me?
The silence of me staring right back into his honey-golden eyes seemed to make him nervous, and he continued saying icy things: “Can’t you see that it was all a lie? The jokes, the pranks, all the laughs! Don’t think about me, just think about protecting yourself!”
It would be the least thing I would want, but knowing that you were (still are) the more capable out of both of us, I assured you instead: “I can protect myself so don’t worry!” I threw right back at him with a cocked eyebrow, remembering that during my time in middle school and high school, I did have quite a few self-defense classes. “I’m pretty strong.” I couldn’t help but smirk a little in my pride.
Instead of indulging, you kept up your façade: “You’re underestimating your opponents” and I knew that you as well were a fighter for your own things. For some reason, it made me believe in you even more. You wouldn’t give up on me, as much as I couldn’t give up on you. “You’ll really be in danger with that attitude.”
Not as if we weren’t already, I wanted to say but I realized that it was both ill-intended and unproductive. I didn’t want to lunge back at you. It’s what you twistedly wanted, and I was not going to let you down. “You’re so similar to Yoosung,” you muttered, looking down at thee wooden floor of Rika’s apartment, a sad smile appearing and vanishing just as fast. “Yu don’t have a care in the world regardless of what’s going on,” you said to me, and I couldn’t help but see him for what state you were in right then.
You avoided everyone, worked day and night, eyebags on your face, you lashed out on people you cared for, and were scared. “I just want to be with you, because I like you!” Sometimes, a hacker might see the code as too complicated due to circumstances.
“How many times do I have to repeat myself…,” you started muttering as you corrected your posture, your left hand now tightly gripping onto your headphone cable, “I can’t be with you. We can’t be anything together!” Your hand trembled, and I just listened to your every word.
“Everything that surrounds me… is an illusion that exists in a temporary life of an agent named 707. They’ll all soon fade away. My house, my cars, RFA, you, this place, everything… one day they will disappear like the morning fog. A real life, real things I can have… don’t ever think and hope those things can exist.”
“Yoosung, Hana, all the members, even if you say that you like me… my life…,” suddenly, you let loose of that cable, both of your hands dangling helplessly, just as your head looked down, “y life can’t embrace anything. You don’t know how it feels to live that kind of life. Don’t be nice to me when you don’t know anything. Please… get away from me.”
No. Even if it had been for the best of both of us, I wouldn’t have been able to fulfil your request because I loved you too much. I was and would always selfishly fight for you, and I still do it. I don’t regret anything, and I appreciate your support every day.
“Just leave me alone…”
I felt it in every bone.
“The person you like is the 707 in the chatroom, not me!,” you cried out, suddenly looking straight-up at me in bewilderment. I didn’t know whether what you said scared me or you more… But I wouldn’t accept it. I had to support you.
“Then please let me understand the person in front of me!” It broke my heart to see you like this, and after that incident, I have always known that you felt guilty for treating me like this, Saeyoung. But please understand… there is nothing to apologize for when you are scared.
And therefore I hugged you. God, you trembled so badly, your breath might have hitched. It was as if my senses went off immediately – you were so close, your smell of Honey Buddha chips and PhD Pepper, your matching racing heartbeat, your hitched breath were so much at once, but man.
I was glad I did that right thereafter.
You whispered my name. “Why are you doing this to me?” Suddenly, a dagger hit my heart. I wished it wouldn’t have hurt that much hearing you say that. But you struggled. I would be there for you, no questions asked. And if you read this, my dearest partner in crime, Agent 707, Saeyoung, husbando, please understand that this still counts, okay?
Okay.
Further on, you insisted that you couldn’t embrace anything, that your life was wrong from the beginning, dangerous and filled with lies… I instantly felt my heart drenched and twisted like a wet towel. As you said that you couldn’t protect me or your brother, that was it. I felt a little tear falling down, and couldn’t help but to shake a little. Secretly, I hope you wouldn’t feel it.
With a silent whisper, you asked: “Why can’t you understand me?”
Another tear, and silence. I didn’t want you to hear that I cried, didn’t want you to worry, so it prolonged my answer. For that, I sounded even more assured: “I like the Seven that’s in front of my eyes. Regardless of how complicated your life is. I want to know.”
Haha, Saeyoung, see how I remembered every word? While you said that you could remember every one of our conversations, I can just say that I do, too. And I treasure every one of them in my memories.
“Hana… Don’t do this… please… I-I-,” you mumbled in a gut-wrenching plea, showing your true suffering for something, and I hugged you even tighter. “I cherich you… I want to make you hapy… but I can’t! Why do you want to be with me when I’m so dangerous?”
‘It’s you, Seven’, I thought to myself, knowing fully well that it had always been you. It would always be you. “Why do you like me!”
It was you.
“There is no reason. I just like you. That’s how I feel!,” I call him out, suddenly my own voice shivering. With that, I suddenly felt your chest decreasing, letting out air both you and I had been holding. Your sigh was so relieving to hear, and I felt distress flooding out of my veins.
“You’re impossible, Hana,” you muttered, making me chuckle a little at his frustrated tone. “You’re so strange. I feel like I’m going strange, too. Why aren’t you giving up?!” When your voice broke, my face felt like the cat on the floor, shattered to pieces.
“Why aren’t you getting hurt and abandoning me?!” That was it. I couldn’t listen to it any longer. I didn’t want to hear you say these things, hurt yourself and me in the process. I loved you, and wanted you to be happy. As you continued to rant, I suddenly uttered a word, and it felt so incredibly hard to speak up.
It nearly was as if a wall refused to make me do so.
“You.”
Your body stiffened, and you turned around. For some reason, your stare was even more scared when you looked down on me, and your eyes widened. Letting my arms go off of him, I just couldn’t help but stare back. Why was he so bewildered to look at me.
“You shouldn’t have been able to…,” you stared at me, eyes teary. “Seven…,” I said, suddenly feeling like hugging him. So I did.
“Hana… Are you…,” he muttered in shock, body shivering even more. “I-I will protect you, Hana, I promise. You survived, you’re alive, and I will keep it that way,” you mumbled, suddenly hugging me tightly and back then not knowing what it meant, I just tried to hug you back.
“Can I be next to you when you work?,” I asked you back then, but you didn’t move. “A-Alright,” you replied with a shivery breath.
“I can’t guarantee that I will be good for you, Hana. I don’t think I will be good for you,” you remarked and went out of the embrace, looking at me meaningfully. Your golden eyes sparkled through your glasses, and I couldn’t help but softly push a little bit of your hair strands away.
“Your eyes…,” he whispered, “They’re beautiful.”
I had no clue what that meant back then, but I just replied that so were yours. My smirk seemed to have reached you as well. And as both of us felt that there was nothing to say anymore, you announced: “Time to go back to work.”
At that very moment, I already asked myself how the heck I had flipped the switch for you, an unknowing feeling in my tummy region as I approached you.
There was only one chair in your work area, and I realized that my tummy growled. You immediately turned towards me. “There should be some leftover stuff from yesterday,” you just immediately announced, just as your tummy started to growl as well.
With a small grin, I just responded: “I made sushi today. There have been some for you, too, so it’s definitely time to eat!” “I need to w-“ “I know, I’ll bring it, Seven.”
Quickly ignoring your protests, I ran off to the kitchen, knowing that I put extra much effort into the sushi. Even trying the inside out rolls, I smile at myself as I made a smiley out of the little plate with rolls. In the hopes that you weren’t a picky eater, I transported both plated to your station, putting it on a table where usually, your Honey Buddha Chips and your empty PhD bottles would have situated. I decided bring them away soon in my head.
However, your face was the best when you discovered what exactly I brought you. “God, Hana…,” you muttered, visibly gulping. “Why are you so nice to me? After I’ve been angry with you…”
“It’s because I have feelings for you. Plus, I would love you to try my sushi,” I smiled brightly and received a confused, yet admiring stare from my counterpart. “You’re too positive for your own good,” you finally smiled back at me with these words, seeing the smiley on the plate. As both of us took the chopsticks, I realized I forgot drinks. “Ah! Do you want to drink something or-“
As if reading my thoughts, you suddenly pulled out a bottle of PhD Pepper and man, I could have sworn it wasn’t there before. And yes, after that, both you and I know that it wasn’t there. “A tribute to the Gods for my beautiful existence and for having you in my life!,” you just rambled out of nowhere, probably to light up the mood.
I couldn’t help but blush though. “Thank you, Seven. I’m glad that we can get along like this,” I sincerely couldn’t help but saying this, but your eyes intensively stared back. With that, you put away your headphones, probably because we were about to eat. “You’re too good for this world, Hana. I want you to know that I want to make you happy from now on…”
Your words made my heart skip a beat, and the way you blushed… While you might have pulled up your sleeves – with very handsome lower arms – I couldn’t help but stare at your gushing face still. “Hey, Seven.”
As you looked up, I desperately wanted to kiss you. So much, but I didn’t know whether I would overwhelm you again.
So I took a deep breath.
“Could you feed me again please?”
This was WAY better, hahaha. God, even writing this, your reaction was hilarious! I bet still that both of us thought of the time you were still angry, and fed me all flustered. WheI asked you oer the call, I honestly wouldn’t have expected you to accept it.
But this time, I was less surprised.
“Okay, if that’s what it takes you to e-eat,” you stammered, your face competing with your hair for redness. Man, you looked adorable to me.
“Hmm… Maybe, I can feed you, too, so that all of us are treated equally,” I replied with a little grin.
“How can you be quirkier than 707, Hana?! You’re really strange!,” you finally called out on me, grinning nervously. I just couldn’t help but laugh it off.
“I still love you, Seven, Luciel, or however you want to be called, I asked you to feed me last time. I want to repay with gratefulness!”
And with that, where there has been coldness in the apartment, your chuckle… I don’t know whether you do it on purpose, but it is still absolutely beautiful. It makes my gloomy days sparkle brightly, and my face can’t help but have this lovestruck face you fall for so much. I could have listened to you forever back then.
“That’s it,” you say, your eyes shining in a breathtaking way. With that, you took the chopsticks into your had, picked up a Sushi from your plate and chirped: “Open your mouth, kitty~”
As I chewed happily while looking at him, when all of a sudden he asked something of me.
“Please… call me Saeyoung. It’s who I truly am.”
.
.
After that, for some reason, we could’ve taken up to any challenge. The RFA was happy for us, and even after a lot of effort, you, my Saeyoung – as I came to uncover his past – could save your brother and have him live in our apartment. Things were crazy, we went along too well for our own good, to the point of you proposing to me after a month. God… The door thing was a crazily good idea.
But there was one thing that was strange, and I didn’t know how to tell you during those days when we ate, when we were grocery shopping, or when both of us worked next to each other on that computer. Most of the time, I was finished before you and I could cuddle on your lap after… It was amazing. Still is.
However, there are… weird things going on. Ever since the messenger mystery has been solved, I could live a life chatting with everyone, but since the first day of us as a couple, I couldn’t help but see them… Glitches.
It had been so weird, but scary, and I didn’t know how to tell you. I dreamed of losing you, and I was afraid that I was about to disappear when parts of binary code appeared on my hand that night.
“OH MY GOD!,” I shrieked into the usually tranquil and loving night that we had.
“Hana?!,” you called on me, immediately worried since you knew that I wouldn’t be easily shaken. “What is it?! A bug again?! A bad dream?? Do you need anything?!” Bewildered that he couldn’t see the obvious glitch on my hand, I couldn’t help but point it out: “Can’t you see it?!”
“What?”
Your voice was extremely confused, just as your face was speaking of alarm. Wearing your glasses today, I know that you would have to see it as I held up my arm.
And seeing that I had not much to explain, I still tried to soothe us both. “Saeyoung… I don’t know what this is, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. Could you know what it-“
“The game… It’s starting to fall apart.”
All of a sudden, the whole atmosphere was scary. I could practically feel your heartbeat from far away, and for the love of God, I didn’t know what you meant. “What do you mean?”
Panic seemed to influence your fingers as you grasped my face, your pupils dilating. “Please don’t disappear, Hana, I- I might have made a mistake.”
In complete confusion, but used to that emotion, I brace myself by taking a deep breath: “Please explain the situation to me. I’m here. I won’t go.” This was to soothe both of us as I had no fucking clue what was happening to my arm. The green numbers on black ground felt like a huge computer screen.
Hearing you mumble: “It’s lagging… I knew it…” and other things scared the heck out of me, Saeyoung. Don’t pull this shit ever again on me, you hear?!
“Saeyoung…” My voice was increasingly panicky as I picked up the vibe that you were exerting.
“You see everything around us, Hana?” We could have heard a pin drop at the silence.
“Yes. What about it?”
“Well…,” you muttered, and with that, you pressed the enter key.
And this was when I finally understood what you have said all the way. The ugly truth, the failure to protect, the way you were anxious of leaving…
All of the things around us, even Saeran bursting into the room… It turned into a huge mess of binary codes, other commands I have seen you type, and so, so much more…
“Saeyoung?”
“Right now, I have created all of it. I wished for it a while ago…,” I looked at you in bewilderment. “I wanted to help out people of this world because the world is cruel, Hana. This world was made to satisfy someone’s obsessions, nothing more. I’m just a pawn of this. So are you. I couldn’t have you near me because I wanted to resist this.”
Your chest began to shake, but I was suddenly taken aback. What… What the fuck happened to me?! My vision started to blur.
“I’m just here to help someone else, and I was supposed to leave,” you muttered to explain this to me, “But here I am, loving you and being engaged to you.”
Seeing your face has pained me the most. I couldn’t help but be in utter shock. “Then why… Why did you do this?”
His face scrunched into a painful smile. “You broke the fourth wall. You are someone. And I want to protect you from this.” I listened to your story, to what this world was supposed to be, how I might have been a player who glitched into my own body.
But imagine if my words had been any other than the ones I ultimately said: “I will stay with you, Saeyoung. No questions asked. We will fix it.”
Looking at me in awe, with tears in his eyes, he closed the gap between us, eyes closed. I immediately put my arms around you as you remembered, deepening the kiss and responding to this fiery and heated kiss. I loved how much we were able to share, to inhibit our shyness towards each other. But this hurt.
It hurt so much when we broke apart
“If you survive this, Hana… You might become the wizard’s apprentice, too. But if you wish to come back to your old self, I wouldn’t fault you…,” you whispered crying, and as you broke, you just decided to look me dead in the eye, knowing that with his past, and this current state of me slowly becoming unreal, I could say anything.
“H-how?!,” I replied in desperation, tears streaming down my face at the distress. “I want to be with you, Saeyoung! I wish for us to be together and happy! Is this too much to ask?!,” I screamed into the void around and glared at him. “How the hell could you have hidden it to everyone?! What about that damn wish?! God… This is messed up, Saeyoung.”
As the world reconstructed itself around us, I couldn’t help but keep my eyes trained at yours, guilt haunting his face. “You know what. How did you know what happened?” You stared at me, knowing full well that back then, you left me in utter confusion. “Your eyes… normally, you weren’t supposed to have any. But look at yourself.” Looking at his glass reflection, I tracked myself – light brown hair with bangs put up in a bun, angry hfnwn eyes looking back at myself, I realized…
I remembered. I played the game myself. This wasn’t my original me…
But I still don’t care. “God, I’m sorry, Saeyoung,” I said to him, realizing how many times he must’ve watched me play this game. “It’s alright, you played my route nearly all the time,” he chuckled emptily back at me, “Someone was obsessed with me~”
Blushing, I responded: “Well, yeah! See? I would choose you again! The first time was me being a newbie…”
“Well, MC,” God that felt weird, “What now?”
.
.
.
With our first child on the way – it feels like two though – I feel like I chose the right path, don’t you think, Saeyoung? You have asked me how it was to find everything out, all of a sudden to ask that. It was a shock, but I decided to focus on what I truly wanted. I want you.
So here I am, with my lovely husbando, married at the space station, a horribly unhealthy eater and great taste in your car babies~
With the goal to be a good wifey… Both of us don’t exist, but to us both, we do.
As I quickly scramble through my backpack, I ask myself what the heck I'm doing. Going out with Min-Hyuk for a pikamon-chase? With their app? In real-life?
AT NIGHT?
This must be a joke.
"Yo, Shin-Ae, you ready?"
Even though I'm doubting this, I immediately act confident: "You bet boi!" With hearing these words, he grins at me. "Alright. We'll destroy the others' arenas and get dem Wizardcarps to finally get the 350 tokens for you!"
All of a sudden, I feel energetic. With the summer nights, I finally got myself more time after having dealt with this year of high school.
"My Giantboss will be better than yours." "Tch, sure it will", Min-Hyuk winks at me. Getting cocky, huh?? "Oh, just you watch."
And he did, after I had caught my last pikamon necessary in an alleyway.
"YO BOI", I exclaim, "I GOT IT!" Honestly, I wouldn't have thought that I would be that much into the game once we have started the nightly raid. We should definitely do this more often. “Girl, this better be better than my pika right there!”, Min-Hyuk shouts in excitement, well aware that this will be a big change for all the pikamons I gathered. Sometimes, I really appreciate how supportive he is, and I see it then and there again. “Let’s do this”, I mutter absently, completely absorbed with evolving my Wizardcarp. And as I finally send out my last, and click on the evolve button, I suddenly see a message pop up.
And as I see the name of the sender, my stomach drops. “Min-Hyuk?” Suddenly, my happiness about that new pikamon in my deck is not as overwhelming as I have thought just seconds ago. Looking up at Min-Hyuk, I already see his worrying gaze fixated on me. “Do you want to?” I just stare back. To be honest, I’m just overwhelmed with this situation.
The breath I let out is shaky too.
Yeong-Gi/Nol: Can we meet up soon?
For a minute, I just look back, trying to calm down. It’s been a while since we even talked or chatted at all. After he said that he would want to avoid me, I was left betrayed. Luckily, Min-Hyuk came over for a visit then. This dude saved my ass several times now. Hearing Min-Hyuk’s understanding words - that it’s fine if not, that he can come with, that he’s always going to be there if I’d need anyone - I just type a response.
Shin-Ae: Where?
As he responds, my heart sinks. Somehow, the vibe I just received from his messages makes my throat close up. “Lemme get you there. It’s dark and I don’t want you to be alone.”
I just let out a quick thanks before hugging the best friend I could have. Then, we both get going to WacDonald’s.
Throughout the journey, Min-Hyuk has put an arm around me and casually plays pikamon jog as if there was nothing to face for me. Of course, I get it - he doesn’t want to butt in or bother me too much, and it kind of calms me that he doesn’t make it too big of a deal. “Don’t expect that I won’t smack this guy’s ass for hurting you though. I mean, he kinda was your crush.” “Say that again and I will whoop yours”, I quickly growl, but I know that he has a point. “That dude was hurting you girl. Like, I respect your decision but honestly, that dude’s a jerk for pulling that at least”, he quickly elaborates and I notice that he’s trying to really understand my point of view. I let out a sigh.
“I know. I’ll deal with it. I trust you to be around this time though!” “You can count on it”, he responds, reply as ready as a pistol shot.
“Alright.”
We go through the usual way to the fried chicken and burger joint I used to work at. Usually, I would think of my manager that really helped me figure out what to do during the hard time I had with working, school and my friends. But now, I can’t help but feel extremely nervous. “Should I stay with you when you talk?”
In the last few months, I have experienced what it’s like to be insecure and unsure. But I really, really hate that feeling still. “No. It’s fine, and I think we need to discuss things together.” “Alright. I’ll get ourselves stuff from Wac then.” “What the heck. This late?” “Absolutely. What do you want? On me!”, he chirps with a smile, already awaiting his meal. “... A Bigwac menue please. With chicken.” “‘kay. Text me if you guys are do-”
His gaze is stuck on something behind me. When I turn around, I realize that his brown eyes were stuck on someone instead. “Hey.”
Yeong-Gi seems to be just as overwhelmed as I am. “Hi”, I just reply and I hear Min-Hyuk saying confidently: “Alright, be right back. You better not hurt her again.” Seeing him throw a dark glance at the redhead, said redhead just looks at him apologetically. “See you.” he gives me a last look - one that makes me feel protected and loved - and goes away.
And leaves me alone with Yeong-Gi.
"What did you want to talk about?", I quickly cut to the chase. After what he has done to cut out our friendship, I don’t want to create further unpleasantries for either of us.
His hair is dishelved and his pants and white t-shirt look hastily put on. But his look shows me so much sternness, regret, and assuredness, as if he's been thinking long and hard about what he's about to do.
Man. I hate how my heartbeat betrays me in these moments. "I wanted to check if you're doing okay", Yeong-Gi replies equally serious, having my eyebrows furrow and my jaw drop slightly.
"Dude wtf? You said just two weeks ago that you don't wanna talk anymore. And now you come back, asking me if I'm okay?", I just retort. I just hope that I don't sound too hysterical but sometimes, reality teaches me not to dream.
But just as before, he just stares at me and takes a few steps towards me. “Yeah. I know I made myself clear-” All of a sudden, hurt flashes in his eyes. It’s short but I see it. All this time, I really have tried figuring this young man in front of me out but… He’s been making it really hard and knows how to avoid me constantly, even after I called him out.
This makes me feel more unusual with all that heartbeat going on, so I just reciprocate his stare into my eyes as he speaks. “But I just can’t seem to forget what we’ve been through together and… Ugh, whatever.” His unstable grin on his face, his closed eyes… He really doesn’t like talking about his feelings, does he? “Yeong-Gi?”, I quickly snap him back to reality as I step closer. “What’s up?” His eyes, this time more confused.
Why am I like this with him? “It’s just… I would feel bad not being around you, you know? I wanna make sure you’re alright after stuff that has happened.” His direct stare at me shows me honesty that leaves me shaking. I knew that I wouldn’t ever deserve him as a friend - let alone someone I’d care more about.
That aside, I’m not into relationships anyway.
“I-” As he takes a step close, I suddenly realize the closeness our bodies have, and I wish I could treat it with as much ease as I used to. But now, I just smell his amazing scent, see his stupid brick body and his damn beautiful face. And I’m angry at myself for being so affected by it.
“I wanted to tell you some things before I might be gone, too”, he just says with a smile that looks sad and regretful.
Wait. Leave? Did he want to get rid of me before leaving so that it won’t… hurt as much?
It would be something he’d do.
It would certainly be something I’d do.
“Like what?”
I remember that he rarely talked about his future. College, work, et cetera were really never things the two of us would discuss together. What other secrets is he keeping from me. His hesitant face tells tales. “Yeong-Gi. I know that you don’t like sharing. But don’t you think that after… well, everything that happened, you can’t tell me what’s troubling you? I know you didn’t like when I testified to you with Yu Jing-” And indeed, I find him furrowing his eyebrows for a millisecond. “But I… You know, I wanted to help you. And I can’t say I don’t care anymore”, I just tell him straight away, adding “so pull that crap again and I’ll whoop your butt!” That stuff gets him to snort and smirk a little. For some reason, it relieves me enough to know that this is the Yeong-Gi I know and I can at least sense that something is up.
“I know.” Raising an eyebrow, I patiently wait for him to continue, however not forgetting what he said two weeks ago. “I will go overseas for a place to study. I’m sorry I haven’t told you.” As he looks down at our feet, I just can’t help but think that there’s something el- “And I think”, he takes in a deep breath and to my shock, I see a reddish blush appear on his cheeks. “I-” For some reason, he looks away and I just say: “Come on, spit it out!”
Immediately picking up eye contact again, he says “Alright.” His hair is lighted halfway from the lamp post we’re standing next to, his eyes intense when he says: “I think I have feelings for you.”
And with that, my brain has stopped functioning and I now lower my gaze down to our shoes. Keep it together, Shin-Ae. Don’t think about how his feet could stomp yours twice. What a sasquatch. “So after all this time… I have even told you that you have a girlf-”, I start to ramble but he cuts me off, gaze ever so stern: “Alyssa and I broke up.”
Wam.
You know this feeling, when everything suddenly drops on you? Why didn’t he tell me all of this earlier, or in portions? Why can’t I trust him with things? And why do I still feel like this with him?? “Nol?” “Yeah?”
All of a sudden, I realize how upset I am - I’m shivering and everything inside me blazes with anger. “So what you’ve done two weeks ago, ignoring me, was just to come and tell me all of this?! Out of nowehere?!”, I say, not giving a crap about his reaction and his face looks equally responsive. “I really tried keeping my word okay?! I really just wanted to leave and not have you miss me!”, he suddenly replies, also raising his voice until he abruptly silences himself. “But I couldn’t, okay? I couldn’t. I wanted to see if you were okay.”
All of a sudden, my heart strings seem to be pulled and I want nothing more than to kiss this guy. What the heck is going on with me? Why am I this emotional right now? “Who do you do this for, Yeong-Gi? For me, or for you?”
As look closely, I realize that this time, I can see freckles on his face including one or the other scar. Why the heck is he so handsome? His facial features are partly lighted by that lamp post, and I see his gaze carefully calculating me as I step towards him, even closer. But he doesn’t step back. Looking closely, I even see him shiver slightly.
Is this that difficult for him?
A long pause is lying upon the two of us, but I start to get worried and try to step back. Suddenly, however, I feel a hand of his grabbing my arm. Man is he strong, and as I notice that, I can’t help but quickly scan his quite toned body. “Wait.” His distant murmur sounds more like a plea than anything, and I immediately freeze in place.
“I’m doing this for both of us.” With that, he closes the distance again, surprising me. Looking at each other, I feel his breath fanning on my face. Goodness, are we close, and my heart beats fast. “Both?” I look at his lips. They look incredibly soft… What it would be like to-
But I have no way to think about it much, since he tells me: “Maybe I just need this, Shin-Ae. Please tell me to stop if I should.” I should say something. Really should. But I don’t say anything, and as his lips meet mine, for a small peck first. As we meet again, the kiss is far sweeter than I would’ve thought. Wow.
Yeong-Gi is a pretty good kisser.
(Extra scene)
Nol POV:
As I walk home, I quickly call Soushi, my buddy in emergency situations. “And, how did the talk with Shin-Ae go?!”, his voice hastily becomes audible. “Pretty good… I… guess…”, I just murmur, not knowing what the heck to do with this kiss, especially since I’d leave soon. Why the heck did I do that?!
“Also… Did that kiss tutorial video help?”
“Shut up!”, I just reply, not believing that Soushi has actually given him that video.
I cannot believe that what Shin-Ae and I are about to do is actually happening. Throughout the years we knew that there might be something between us that neither of us can define. Of course, we’re friends so far but… there’s something else, and we both feel it. With the way she looks at me… I’m not crazy, am I? But usually, the ring on my finger reminds me well enough where my heart lies, doesn’t it?
Subconsciously, I grab it as I desperately try to focus on the files again. The corporate door opens and there she stands. Beautiful, thin but fiery and determined as always. I can’t lie about how much I like her attitude – it would be so perfectly on par with mine. She’s an equal, a strong individual who doesn’t give a damn about other people.
And throughout all the years, it’s been turning me on. “Hey.” Her voice as to the point but playful as always. Her smile directed at me makes me return a smirk. “Why hello there, little one.” As I stand up, I pick up the folder of data. “May I assist you with anything?” My grin fades however as I see her eyes. Her red eyes are clouded with something that makes my lower stomach stir. “You’re well aware, bigfoot.” And as she grabs my hand, I can’t help but slightly pull her towards me. “Are you sure that you are supposed to ask your boss about these kinds of deeds?”
All of a sudden, something hits me. It’s shame. And guilt. Well isn’t that a surprising feeling. Why do I have to associate these feelings with Shin-Ae whenever I’m around her? I can’t look at her without thinking about how I treat her, how I used to mislead her. And now make her a homewrecker.
I throb, and throb and throb. My heart is so throbbing.
Alyssa, I’m so sorry.
...
...
Here I am, seeing the brunette in all her beauty. All her facial expressions, her character made me stay for way too long. Even though I wanted to get out, make things right and escape for the both of us… We couldn’t. We made things wrong.
I made things wrong.
Maybe I shouldn’t have married Alyssa in the first place. I know that our marriage isn’t the most lovestruck or attention-based. But neither of us needed that ever. Or so I thought.
Now here I am, seeing Shin-Ae in her real beauty. Man, she never made herself look pretty or in the spotlight like Alyssa would, she didn’t have curves like Alyssa had… But she has something that has so much more potential and is so much sexier. How can I not kiss her? Who can blame me for enjoying the flames of passion she engulfs me in?
I used to be so darn respectful for anything anyone would choose or be. Damn, I gave people so much space to do things. But I need her. Having me kiss her neck, hear her moan and see her eyes flutter – I need that. Whatever draws me to her I should throw away.
I can’t even believe that I’m doing this. I hate that I love this.
Why.
“Yeong-Gi… Stop. W-we can’t do this”, Shin-Ae’s voice and body seems to shudder in my hands. Why do I think that it’s so wrong yet it feels so right? With Alyssa, I used to be like this. I love her so so much. Yet I do this to both of them. Well… I guess it was our choice to keep a long-distance marriage that made it all a mistake. F*cking popstar career.
I’m nothing but shameful. But this desire, this hunger is eating me alive. And it comes quite handy that Shin-Ae is the one forbidden person I wanted for so long. Hell yes I did.
“Yes we can.”
There are so many ways in which I regret saying this. But to be quite honest, I don’t think they’re that important right now.
.
.
.
.
As I wake up with a frantic heartbeat, I can’t even manage to find inner words for what I was just dreaming. Trying to calm my breathing first, I swiftly and slowly escape my bed again to get some water.
Why is this dream returning? Shin-Ae and I are nothing but colleagues! We would never ever do this, right? Both of us have confessed months ago that we both might still feel a connection we shouldn’t. We can’t happen, of course we can’t. We never even could. And now that both of us are married to different I shouldn’t even try to take this into consideration. I shouldn’t.
But God, why is she so captivating?
Desperately getting to the kitchen sink, I grab myself a glass from the shelf and get myself some water. Take a gulp. Another. Another. Get a shower. Get out and see my wife in front of the door. “Babe? Are you okay?” As I nod, her sympathetic look kills me.
If only you knew.
“Is it the nightmare again?”
If only you knew.
I nod.
Slowly, hesitantly but with an affectionate look, Alyssa closes the gap, puts her two hands gently on my cheeks and tiptoes to me for one of the sweetest kisses she gives. So innocently sweet that this makes my heart throb even more. I don’t deserve innocent kisses anymore.
“You know you can always talk to me. I’m there.”
As I nod again, she takes my left hand and leads us to bed. “Let’s go to sleep, we both have to wake up early tomorrow.” And as she says so, we both enter the bed. But while she falls asleep in an instant, my fingers revolve around the ring, turning, pulling it out of my finger and putting it back on.
A/N: Hey everyone! In case you have see the account Kacychase on Amino or kacychasesyoo acc on Instagram, yea that’s me. Don’t worry, there’s no plagiarism involved. I just thought: Why not try this out?
Love, Kacychase <3
It’s been a while since I could wake up this refreshed and anew – especially with my belly being as round as a balloon. If Nolan wasn’t there for her to save my quirky butt at least once a day, I wouldn’t know what to do.Thank God I had a great husband.“Mommy, mommy! Look what daddy did!” That’s where I might take my thought back. Slowly sitting up, I saw her small little Declan in front of the bed, his smile as bright as his green eyes. I was pretty sure that he would have shaken her but both Nolan and her were very careful about touching my belly – at some point, he understood that he would get a little sister.“What is it, honey?”, automatically, I pulled back some my brunette strands into a bun, showcasing my scars. Sure, I didn’t like it but it was surely practical, and my son didn’t ask any questions about it: he was too young after all and I myself am an adult – I could handle it. “Look, mommy, please!”Declan’s face, eyes, dimples and freckles were so painfully reminding me of his father, I would always start to miss him just by seeing our son’s face. Our son…It was crazy how he was right about starting a family. He always thought that I’d be a good caretaker, a good mom. Maybe in my own ways… But we were a great team ever since we got together. And with him by my side, I felt like the best mom in the world. “Alright Declan, give mommy a little time to get up”, she chuckled, smiling back at this young ball of energy. To her, it felt like a blink of an eye has passed after Declan’s birth. He was so beautiful, so radiant ever since he was in her arms. And Nolan’s face… it looked like he was the happiest man – happiest person – alive to see Declan in my arms, seeing my sweaty yet fulfilled face.I was so incredibly tired and done for, exhausted from the act of giving birth, a few hours past the screams of agony and pain.But this moment back then, it was perfect. Nothing could take that sense of family from me. If anything or -one were to try, they better be prepared for me – because no one would mess with this redhead family. Damn was I grateful that Declan had so many features from his dad. It’s adorable seeing him smile.Slowly heading towards the living room, I suddenly saw something very surprising.Moving my head to Declan, I ask him: “So, you found dad. Holding a cake and presents? What’s up today?”“You didn’t tell her?!”, the bigger redhead told the smaller one in a shocked face. “But didn’t you want to tell ma?!”, Declan replied in an equally confused manner. “But it should be a surprise!”, Nolan just replied lying down the cake. “Yeah, dad!”, Declan’s innocent voice looked back at him. “So you told me not to tell mommy!” “But that was for yesterday, grizzly bear!” “What the-“, I quickly cut myself off before I would curse. Sometimes, they really were too similar to each other. Dorks.“Nolan, what is all this?”, I lock eyes with those mesmerizing green ones. Even though he’s hella confusing me right now, he just smiles apologetically at me. “Well, Shin-Ae, it’s mother’s day today, and Declan and I thought that maybe, we could make you something.” All of a sudden, a very warm feeling ran through my veins, all the way to my heart.How is a mom supposed to take this?“Yeah mom, look! I made breakfast for you!”, Declan excitedly said with the cutest smile I could witness. But to be fair, all of them were. Quickly, he took my hand and carefully pulled me to the kitchen, and pulled the chair behind me. “Please sit down ma, you can eat my toast! See, I made them!” Looking at the piece of bread, this gets a laugh out of me. “Thank you, Declan, you’re a talented young cook now! What are they made of? And you’re such a gentleman” With a slowness of a snail, I sit myself on the chair, careful not to hurt the child. With a quick exchange with Nolan, who now stands at the doorframe, I can only smile. “Cheese and beef and ketchup”, Declan grinned back at me. “I’ll get the knife and the fork!”, he quickly shouted before getting to the utensils, pulling them out. When he came back to put them on the table, suddenly, I felt my eyes tearing up.This surprise was so beautiful. Maybe I was getting emotional with all the hormones too though. “Let’s eat then”, Nolan said softly with a look at me, not even needing to hear the “thank you” I said to both immediately after. He just knew how to be great at this stuff.But for some reason, Declan seemed a little off. His big green eyes unsurely looked at his father’s and my faces. His gaze rested on his dad’s. “Dad?” “Yeah?” “Can I use the toilet before we eat?” This made me grin. Nolan really must have planned this to the T – at least what he called ‘to the t’. “Of course, Declan, we’ll wait”, he grinned back. But before Declan could stand up, I quickly said “Come here, honey.”As the cute little redhead did so, I gave him a hearty kiss on his freckled cheek. The cheek of my little 5-year-old. “Thank you for the sandwiches”, I whispered that showed his full grin, a tooth on the right missing. God, I loved this child so much. “Anytime ma”, he just responded triumphantly before storming off.“You really made him go quiet today before I’d wake up”, I immediately chuckled, sensing Nolan’s distressed face. “Yeah, it took a while but he really wanted to surprise you too”, Nolan smiled at me and as I examined his face, I realized how much he was similar to his father. Back then I found his father hot. Oh how much I was mistaken, his son topped it. And he was married to me now. Quickly, I leaned in for a passionate kiss – one my husband deserved and one I wanted to give.All these feelings with him felt so alive when his arms were around me and Declan. With these two, I felt so whole, and soon would with another one. During the kiss, I felt his hand sneakily slide to my belly and smiled. When he broke the kiss, we didn’t even need words. We just stared. “Thank you for everything.” He knew it was more than today. “I’d do it again.” Oh, we went through one hell of a ride before we got all this together. “Me too.”God, he really knew what to do to make me happy. Even during times of work, he sent me Good-morning-texts. He would save a little of his potato dish for me. He would let me rest after a day of work and hang out with Declan as the coolest father there is. After all these years, he would still make me feel loved for me. And I loved him for not only that, but for him.“Did Declan really make these sandwiches though?”, I grinned at him with pride, being glad that he put on contacts today – easier to kiss really. He must have taught him how to use the sandwich-maker today, he didn’t know how to use it yesterday. “Yeah”, Nolan grinned back at me. “And he was pretty proud of it. Took me my time to shave it.” “I don’t mind it”, I grinned and pulled him in for another kiss.“Ma, dad?” Immediately, we both jolted away, but not without a grin at each other. “Sorry, Declan. Come on, let’s enjoy breakfast with mom.” “Yeah! Tell me how it is mom, please!”, Declan grinned at me, and again, the dimples were visible. Even worse – so were Nolan’s. These two would be the death of me. “I already love it”, I replied with a smile as I happily take one, feeling the eyes of my son watching me. “Thank you guys. I love you too.” “Only for the best mom, we love yoo too”, Nolan replied and smiled at Declan and me. “Yeah, the best mom in the world!”, Declan added, missing the pun his father made – thank goodness. With a big grin, I started chewing the sandwich. It was delicious.God damn, I loved these two and soon, I would love person number three just as much.
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