coexist

[kadiikoy]

blessed

I am so happy about mixing. It’s a dream for me. I don’t need to be famous or anything (not that I am that pro), I just want to mix for myself, and my hobbies. I’m going to listen to more ABGT so that I can observe transitions more. Mixing trance definitely involves more music theory by ear than trap does. What I truly love about trap is how amazingly creative you can be with both melody and beats. It’s too bad that Yellow Claw is really the only trap music I like, although Major Lazer I’ll have in mind too. Major Lazer is kinda different because they’re a combination of reggae too and hardstyle. It’s so fun mixing that.

So I’m going to listen to ABGT more to get a feel so that I can see how I want to mix my Anjunabeats mix. So far I do really like the combo of Sun in Your Eyes and the drum pattern - I just don’t really like Isla Margarita. Maybe it’s too bright and happy that’s why and Sun in Your Eyes is a little bit more profound. So I know that even though I love the drum pattern, I don’t want to settle into something that isn’t me.

I was also thinking of doing an Odesza/Petit Biscuit/Jai Wolf mix. Like a mix for this quarantine that calms all worries and recalls what life used to be like outside the box. :]

I’m really happy about mixing, it’s such a creative outlet for me. It’s not producing, but it’s me making my own moods and exploring my creativity like something I’ve never done before. So it is amazing and life changing.

I also heard Freesol by the Dabin mix so maybe I’ll do some dubstep and also throw in Cinema by Skrillex because I loooooove that song!! Like old school Skrillex is so amazing too, I would add it in hahaha and be mainstream. Hmm I wonder what else I can add into that one. I love Seven Lions so much if I listen to a mix I’m going to be mixing the fuck away LOL

I also want my classic trance mix, so I’m going to listen to ASOT by Armin van Buuren to get a hint on how he mixes classic trance songs. That mix is going to have some Cosmic Gate hehe <3

I really fucking love my trap mix and I think it’s golden. I’m a little sad because I don’t know if it’ll be my first and last trap mix. And that’s okay. Because Yellow Claw is gold <3 I loved them back in 2016 when I first went to my first EDM festival with Jessica (Ezoo!) and it really is the beginning of times. I loved dancing so much. I still do. I really do.

I have some other ideas, like my electro house mix. I think I need to listen to like Tiesto or David Guetta for that. I think I can do it. Ooh I just thought of a Tiesto song to add in.

OO I gotta add Walls to somewhere! Bc he doesn’t play that shit anymore haha.

I love that song so much.

I also love kaskade so much ahhh

But yeah I’m really proud of myself, and my mixing journey. I can’t wait to mix! I love music so much. It is a blessing. I deserve this. I feel like I’ve been waiting so long to find something like this. :] I don’t think it’s a calling or anything, but it just makes me really happy, free, and myself, and I’ve never stayed up typing all my ideas or kept a (electronic) notepad of all my ideas. I am really happy and grateful for it, and I seriously do not know how Calvin convinced me to try this and it literally changed my life.

[kadiikoy]

awww I'm so proud of myself :’) back in April I talked about what is now my awake at two mix, which I’m still really proud of because I worked so hard on it. I’m so proud of myself that I stuck to it. <3333

My next mix is my David Guetta mix.

It’s so incredibly refreshing and enlightening to find my old blog entries about my journey with mixing. It’s actually been a year since I received the mixer. I’m really proud of myself. I’ve been a bit slow - I have so many music projects to pursue. But I know that I will finish all the ideas that I have.

I’m really so proud of myself for putting myself out there and being passionate about my work. =)

[kadiikoy]

new tumblr =)

[kadiikoy]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=klp-RReW0jY

[kadiikoy]

Hehehe

I always pronounce Roland Garros with the French r (or attempts :o) )

Haven’t caught a match. But I did play with Ziggy today. I have a lot to work on. I want to practice everyday doing shadow swings, the Miko taught me now. I see the importance of it now.

[kadiikoy]

I’m really proud of myself for learning more about mental health today.

i’m ready to commit to being kind to myself

[kadiikoy]

Savage love

[kadiikoy]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=phXRX1p8woY

We’re all we need.

[kadiikoy]

I get it. I get it :(

[kadiikoy]

I want to say that I’m really sorry for writing all this shit on Tumblr. I know, it’s my blog. The truth is, I started blogging ever since I broke up with my ex years ago. We had a very codependent relationship.

I feel bad for overconfiding, and ashamed, but all I can say is that I hope this isn’t a burden on whoever is still reading this today. I’m really sorry.

The reason why I’m apologizing is that I’ve come to the conclusion that in my life, I don’t want to be alone with my trauma. I do have therapy, but I don’t really have the tools to navigate through my own problems. I mean, to an extent I do!

I had a realization that what I always wanted in a life partner was to share trauma with. Isn’t that so unhealthy? I didn’t even realize that. All I thought I was doing was confiding and sharing. But certainly, I don’t do this with my girlfriends.

This is supposed to be a letter to you (the reader, if anyone else is still reading this), but I want to apologize.

If no one is reading with this, I’m perfectly okay too. I think I just need to understand from myself what I want.

I think I feel a lot of shame in what I’ve done. I feel like it’s my fault I didn’t recognize that this was unhealthy. It’s not really the oversharing aspect — it’s more like, what purpose was I trying to achieve? It is true though. I don’t want to be alone with me, and my problems. That’s why I have this blog. I’m so afraid of being in a marriage where my partner won’t solve my problems for me. That is really unhealthy. Like wtf? Own your own problems.

So I think from now on, I want to be alone with my problems.

Thank you for reading! Even though it was wholly unintended. Started off with a Tumblr I wanted to use since no one was using Tumblr anymore. Started typing away. It has really helped as an outlet. But I have therapy. And I have myself. I don’t really know particularly what I will do with my previous posts. Part of me wants to delete them. But it is a part of me. Part of me wants to make a new Tumblr. Part of me wants to private them. I don’t really know. What to do. I’ll figure it out. :)

==========

In the in-depth scope of me, my name is Nancy and I’m a speech pathologist living in NYC! I just moved to LIC, and I’m really happy where I am. I love raving, EDM, piano, and I love connecting with people. I have a huge passion in healthcare. I wanted to go to PA school months ago but…things happened and I decided to move out instead. I really love school, and I’m a nerd though. It was a fun ride.

Since COVID not much has really happened. I mean actually a shit ton happened! But usually I go out for walks in my favorite park, Gantry. My neighborhood makes me really happy. I don’t know what will happen when my lease is up. I’ll figure it out.

Some other side things about me, that are totally optional to know: I’ve had childhood abuse, adolescence mental abuse, had cancer and radiation, and was sexually assaulted by a childhood friend. Not very fun. I think the thing I struggle with most today is childhood abuse. These don’t necessarily define me, but they are my own problems, and for me to solve with. I take care of them by processing my feelings on my own time and having therapy. I used to use Talkspace, but I transferred to continue therapy with my therapist from Talkspace. We haven’t had a session yet after Talkspace, but I’m here. Overall, I think I feel shame — not in that it happened. In that in these traumatic events, none of that shit was my fault! Ha. More like. I feel ashamed in the way I handled things, because I’m here blogging about all this shit while people, like my friends, are reading them. And it’s really not fair. And the only reason why I’m stating this now is because, well it’s for me to deal with. And me, alone to deal with. I guess that is why therapy is really important. I just don’t ever want to burden anyone with my problems. I really have no idea why I was relying on a partner to ever do all that work for me. That’s really fucked up. And so unhealthy.

That was a really big blurb that I did not intend to expand it. But it feels good to write it here. Not because I want to use it to extensively process my trauma anymore and pour out my feelings — that’s something for me, alone, in my private time to understand for myself. I will say I need therapy soon.

==========

I don’t want to write too much about my management with trauma, it makes me too sad, and also I’ll probably process that on my own time.

Today was an okay day at work. Back to wearing PPE and shit. LOL why am I typing about work. It’s really because I didn’t do much else today.

I was supposed to play tennis with Ziggy at lunch time, but something came up with him. I’m totally fine with that because I didn’t mind resting hahaha. I left my tennis shoes at work. It’s such a hassle changing in and out of PPE, but more than anything, I am grateful to have PPE at work.

I could write more, but I’m really tired. And I think I’m just processing a lot of things today.

Good night! :)

[kadiikoy]

=)

[kadiikoy]

: )

[kadiikoy]

This song will warm your heart.

[kadiikoy]

A million years later.

[kadiikoy]

[HAMILTON]

I may not live to see our glory!

[LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN/LAURENS]

I may not live to see our glory!

[HAMILTON]

But I will gladly join the fight!

[LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN/LAURENS]

But I will gladly join the fight!

[HAMILTON]

And when our children tell our story…

[LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN/LAURENS]

And when our children tell our story…

[HAMILTON]

They’ll tell the story of tonight

[MULLIGAN]

Let’s have another round tonight

[kadiikoy]

Driving

It gets dark at night…and people are wearing black hoodies in the streets on Vernon…so I just need to be extra careful because I care. Also I keep looking to see if there are cars behind me because it affects how fast I drive…like wtf. I shouldn’t even care because why would I let cars pressure me to drive dangerously faster under different circumstances. 

[kadiikoy]

Tennis

Backhand: LOL yeah, my left arm isn’t loose when I prepare it because I’ve always been so fucking tense.

Volley: Miko’s way of teaching is soooo different from Leo’s…so like he says it’s just supposed to be a tap because you’re absorbing the energy from the other shot. You also hold your elbow close to you like a V, because it’s your STEP that creates the distance. And my wrist needs to be firm and up because…actually I need to ask Miko this since I don’t know!

Serves: Miko makes suuuuch a good point bc I didn’t know why my shot wasn’t going in the box. He put my racket up super high like super tall — he’s like, well yeah it’s your height plus the tennis racket lol bc of facts. When I started doing that, it made so much more sense for me to toss the ball super duper high because my racket is supposed to make contact that high up to produce the right angle. 

[kadiikoy]

I love you too!