That Immigrant.

Everything from where I've been coming together in one place.

[kaesaez]

Like a starving dog I bay at the moon

An animal in heat, I stumble, swoon,

Over you

Over you

If my mushy veins could spill faith from my gourd, 

You’d know my love is pure

For you

For you

I have quested into dark souls,

The heaviest of sighs

To you

To you

These thick layers, a crumbling facade

and I have found god; in the light of lost love,

Through you

Through you

..

All that we are,

rests wild and ready, 

in all that what we are not.

[kaesaez]

Creatures began ruminating the rims of her eternal flower

Mold effortlessly corroding away the precious pipes of sexual desire

Such a long while, she was able to embellish, to indulge, to reach for the stars

Rejoicing in a life where disconnect meant true bliss

For years, many had found refuge in the bosom of her blossoms 

Now decrepit, vile, and covered in aphids

Petunia’s mist once laid itself gently on little leaves, the lips of her petals, christening and cleaning out any hope she had left.

Now, faced with many decisions, this crimson exacerbation would exist, only, as a prison to her most innocent of thoughts. 

It was the end of an era, a spring never to come ‘round again.

A sewer’s abyss.

How exactly do angelic beings die? 

[kaesaez]

10.

Give it all up

Just to seem better

But are you?

Leave it all behind

Just to be wiser

Or are you?

Somber and Slobbered

Confusion ensues.

Who are you?

Locked down inside

Fungal afflictions

Spoiling Organs

Winter;

You’ve got the best of me.

[kaesaez]

A Love Story

“I’m tired,” she muttered

“Me too,” he grunted.

This was not a reference to the body’s exhaustion, but rather to the way a mind feels after a long few years of verbal ping pong. Leaning back into the chair, she wondered, ‘When is it going to change?’ Captured by the fact and knowing full well that it never would. Lucy often referred to her gut as a bitch that won’t pipe down, but she had become skilled at ignoring its pleas for parting. “I want to try harder,” she would combat, “I CAN fix this.”

Her stomach churned at the lies, lies that she fed herself, but didn’t know why.

Perhaps it was the pictures she had created in her mind long ago. Photographs of a family; growing, breathing, eating, shitting, all in the most beautiful house, languages cluttering the hallways, screams from a brother to his siblings, and a home full of artists, scattering themselves across the dinner table collecting hugs, and fresh food. Photographs; ones that dwindled away, and ones that had hung around the walls of her dreamworld for a some while. 

In her more promising days, Lucy once found comfort in being utterly optimistic, adorning her afternoons in colourful stories about the future, following fulfilment's outlines, as if fulfilment was yet to come. She had grown older now, guarding her most hideous truth, and secretly understanding that she had long since outlived that fantasy. 

She fought, she worked, she bled by the knuckles, tearing into the world like a starving dog. Lucy gripped ferociously onto those magical times, and as they slipped away, she only clung harder to them. It seemed impossible to her, that so soon in the game of life, she could have already lost to the average player. Yet she had. The mysticism was completely gone now, her hands smothered in blisters and face covered with wrinkles, scrunched up and smushed amongst and between the many wars of love. 

Lucy was tired, and strangely lonely. After the copious collection of months, weeks, days, hours and seconds they had spent together, she never thought lonely would be the take away emotion. 

“I’m tired,” she released.

“Me too,” he confirmed.

It was at this moment, in this one simple exchange, that she knew: 

They’d never be the same again. 

So she went to sleep...and she slept very well.

[kaesaez]

Me N’ My Bish

Hand Collage

By: Kaela Saez

[kaesaez]

The Burning Bush

Digital Collage

By: Kaela Saez

[kaesaez]

My body, bone dense, with feet on ground, sinking me into the earth, root bound, seed deep, seeking new sights, higher places, but never forgetting the depth of the dirt it holds onto every day. 

 My body, worn by time, riddled with the memories of yesterday's afterthought, is sensational in its effort to move forward, even when it has asked me to lay down and rest a while. 

My body that allows my feet, knees, hips, and heart to carry the weight of a mind that has been led in one too many directions, one to many times, stands proud, lives by my command, and fights a good fight, all so that my wandering spirit can move from point a, to points c, d, efg and back home again, day in, day out. 

My body that begs me to listen, to heed the warning signs, to be loved, wants a relationship with my mind, works so endlessly to get one, knowing that time and time again, it may never see the fruits of its labor. 

My body speaks to me, and asks for help, but I forget she is there, dreaming only to satiate the hunger for anything and everything my mind thinks it needs at any given moment. 

 My body tries to show me she needs me, sometimes childlike in her tantrums, making a scene and all my tasks become challenging to complete, because she is there, reminding me that SHE needs attention.

My poor body, knows better than my mind ever could what I really need, she is stronger than I give her credit for, beautiful in all her struggles to keep me safe, and rooted to this earth, doing her best to fulfill my every dream, even the ones she doesn't agree with. 

 My body that I sit back and let the world take cracks at, that I judge, and laugh at, that I criticise , and push to hard, is only asking to be cared for, that I stop hurting her along the way. 

My body, is my everything, and I forever live in debt to her, as she is all I have while I am still on this planet. 

My body, is my partner, my home, I am in awe of her grace, her kindness, and strength. Living in regret that I did not recognise her value sooner, and humiliated that sometimes as an adult, I still forget. 

 Dear body, I promise to better to you. 

-notes to myself-

[kaesaez]

You are everything you’ve ever wanted to be.

You are nothing,

and that is enough.

[kaesaez]

Hairless Pussy

Digital Collage

By: Kaela Saez

[kaesaez]

Fraternité / Egalité / Liberté

Handmade Collage

By : Kaela Saez

[kaesaez]

8.

Rain weather spit out mud,

regurgitating memories.

We tipped our hats to 

old shacks,

and dreams frozen in time. 

Shacks;

worn out, bearing all, and stripped of decency...

yet still curating security.

Nimble fingers,

crawling out of swollen hands, 

tripped past ideas made impure.

Hands;

shit stained, swallowed by the joy,

of impressing one another.

Foxes, were slurping human remains,

watching the strongest of the bunch mull over

spoilt children.

Children;

who hoped for unnecessary things;

fly swatters.

Snot rockets garnished leaves of chemically altered chard,

love affairs and cup, after cup of tea.

Tea;

the answer to every question. 

Each day the sun rose in music.

It beat through wobbly walls,

and blew light into the heavy chests, of broken humans.

We grew love beneath giggles, 

and every pound laid by tired palms;

beaten, fidgeting, smothered in lust.

Lust;

that intangible flood gate,

bled and cried out, 

thick like tears steaming from the sky.

Meals shared our lives,

salads grew from our leftovers, 

scraping us together;

haunting the dreams of young women,

no matter where they were to go,

Luck.

That’s how it shall all feel,

how it all shall sound.

Like luck, and love, 

and the warmth,

of truly knowing life in the rain.

[kaesaez]

14.

Nail in foot

Skin breaking

Bone penetrating

Discovers the marrow of my soul.

I just want to nestle in

Find caverns

Of warm armpits.

A place where I belong

The place where I belong.

Hammer in hand

Head pounding 

Heartward bound

Breaks anything still, standing.

I just want to settle down

sink into corners

of bent arms, laced legs.

A spot I can fit in,

These spots I can fit in.

Stitch us up in resolution

Make our new worlds old

Pour peroxide over our confusion

and extinguish the known.

[kaesaez]

I have forgotten myself,

only this time, it seems like a gift.

[kaesaez]

California

I’ll never be able to explain what it is like to live away from the people you love. What it is like to live in a place where all your friendships come with a natural barrier; due to gaps, in culture, missing links, and limited vocabulary, or the way a friendship can only go so deep when you have yet to help one another through true struggle.

I’ll never be able to show that it is different for me to be away from the ones I love, than for them to be a away from me. That my pain weighs on me because every inch of me has been uprooted from their lives, and I find myself desperately grasping for new soil with whatever strength i have left. All the while, their own roots plunge deeper into the ground beneath them, their lives resting familiar, weathered, but seemingly unaffected.

I cannot express how many friendships have slowly disintegrated before my eyes, only, and specifically because, I am no longer convenient...How many times that has only hurt me, because I know not yet my own ability, to truly grow. Unaware that I, can even grow without them there, to lift me back up, and share in the struggle, to make our way out of the weeds. 

They think of me fondly, but do not know what it is to truly miss; they do not know what it is like to miss not one person, but an entire series of individuals...To miss, and go un-missed... or to run after a love that has no true finish line, but is unattainable none-the-less.

Their full lives make them say things like “I’m busy,” “I can’t talk right now,” “Can you call me another time?” These simple words crush my skeletal system; dropping my organs to the floor. You have to just stand there and say ok. Just stand there and remind yourself that they love you. Remember you are important. Believe you will move past it...that you are ok, that you are not alone, but rather, a sojourner, than a stranger to things you have once known . You have to just stand there, and progress, no matter what happens around you.

[kaesaez]

11.

Care enough that you don’t.

Love the things you think you wont.

You said,

“Love me the same as yourself,

just,

love me the same as your self.”

Lost when the sun goes down,

Fizzling out when you come ‘round

I said,

“Why won’t you love me the same as yourself,

Wont you just,

Love me the same as yourself?”

Reach your hand into the mangos pit,

Tear out the core;

So soft, so wet.

Tear out my core and just,

Love me the same as yourself.

[kaesaez]

Happy International Women's Day

May you live without masters

May you protect those who identify as females

May you take pride in yourself and other women

May you find a way to empower yourself everyday

Here are some cool causes to check out working towards gender equality:

https://www.beadforlife.org/about/how-we-began

http://notthere.noceilings.org

http://www.offthematintotheworld.org/blog/2015/2/18/the-silent-war-on-woman-seva-challenge-2015

[kaesaez]

Today my blog turned 2, says tumblr. I have decided in celebration I will post poem number two from my upcoming collection.

2.

Your face rests on old coat hooks

glittering the long hallways of my mind.

Somewhere in there, 

a missing chance,

a me, missing you.

Each corridor crawls with fruitless optimism,

cobb webs of your voice percolate, 

rotting through my nervous system.

Somewhere in there,

a missing chance, 

a me, missing you.