I think when my mum would ask me time after time after we would be alone, no matter the man, whether it was my own father or my brother's friend if I was okay if I had been touched in any way was the beginning of the sexualization of my body along with the internal fight i had with it.
when I was 13 I had my first kiss, I was hanging out with a boy who suddenly forced a kiss, I accepted it, I didn’t know what to do. He kissed me roughly against a tree. I remember he put his hand up my top, I still stayed still and acceoted it, I was in shock, then he grabbed my hand, guiding it down to his penis, he started to shove it in his pants, thats when I finally snapped out of it and asked him to stop. He did, but right afterwards he told me he was going home because he wasn’t getting any.
At 14 I went to my first highschool party, so much happned at this party, so much.
I drank for the first time, this 18 year old guy bought as all alcohol, in return he wanted to get lucky. I drank until I couldn’t anymore, a guy I thought was a friend made a bet with me that i wouldnt jump in the lake, If I did, I would get $50, I did, he never gave me the money. Once I got out, I was freezing cold and in my underwear, none of the boys would give up their shirts for me, thankfully one of the girls had her bag with her and grabbed out a dress she had in it for tomorrow.
later that night, a boy I had a crush on asked me if iI wanted to go on a walk, I said yes. I proceded to give him the first blowjob I had ever given, he forced my head down further than I could handle, then afterwards he wouldn’t speak to me for the rest of the night.
The girl who had promised the 18 year old with the alcohol sex decided she found someone better, so since the 18 year old still wanted to get lucky, the girl offered me up as bait, a small 14 year old drunk virgin. I said no repetedly to him and his friends while they tried to convince me that I should.
“i’m only 14″
“It’s illegal, im a minor”
“I’ve never had sex before”
“I’m drunk”
“I’m not in the mood”
after he percisted and made me feel guilty for not just giving him what he wanted I gave in and said yes. HE walked me to the public tolits and locked the door. I don’t remeber much after that, just the way my knees hurt on the concrete and my throat feeling sore from gagging, along with the bruises on my hips from his figer tips and the way my vagina felt bruised for about a week after. Then I could hear my friend screaming at the door, demanding that she was let in and finally I could remember where I was, I cried on her shoulder for about an hour afterwards, I was called a slut for months, to this day, people still like to laugh about that night halloween of 2014.
a few months later, I had my first ‘real’ relationship, I thought we loved eachother. It started out great until suddenly I had to go to his house every weekend and I wasn’t alowed to be alone with my friends, every night after school he wanted me to call him. When he wanted sex and I wasn’t in the mood he said ‘it’s fine, it’ll only take a few minutes.’ then he would force himself inside while I laid perfectly still, waiting for it to be over and then the next morning he’d call me a slut, he’d talk about how I begged him for sex. One day he got mad at his mum and hit a fan across the room. Another time, we had broken up for about three days for my mental health, when we got back together we had sex and right afterwards he told me he was thinking about going out with my ex best friend then he cried when i got mad about that. I hit my breaking point and broke up with him, he threatened to kill himself, I told him to go ahead, I knew it wouldn’t be my fault.
for about half a year a friend, the same friend who bet me $50 that I wouldn’t jump into the lake, would stick his hand up my school dress and skirt, even though I would repeatedly stop him and ask him not to.
Once my best friends brother forced his hand up my skirt while we were all watching a movie, there was a blanket on us so no one saw, I tried not to cry afterwards, I never told my friend what her brother did to me.
I have been catcalled and slut shamed endlessly, I had a boyfriend who hit me so hard it left a bruise while he was drunk. I attempted suicide twice due to my PTSD and Depression. There are still people that I can’t allow to touch me. I am still easily frightened.
I have had a boy be obsessed with me, who wouldn’t leave me alone when I was clearly uncomfortable.
Every party I go to someone tries to sleep with me because I’m easy, without knowing that I’m easy because of my truma, because I didnt know any better.
The day I tolod my mother i was raped, she told me it wasn’t ‘that bad’.
Please God, all I want is a safer tomorrow. I just want to feel okay.
