welcome to kaito's room... they've taken over, and i don't mind. my name is kristopher park. these are my beloved ΠΊΠ°ΠΉΡΠΎΡΠ°s. i made this blog to show them to the world and document our life together.
the first one in the pink shirt (mine, i shared it with an old girlfriend) is fascinator kaito. he's very small, and very quiet, rather docile and curious, but he doesn't take the initiative to try things on his own. he's the youngest i think. he doesn't mind dress-up, or play pretend, or outings... i don't think i've found a single thing fascinator has objected to, actually. perhaps he's simply very agreeable.
the middle one is snow kaito. he tells me he used to be an idol and the last song he performed was snowman for his farewell medley before early retirement. he kept the light blue doll wig for fun. he's slowly coming off the idol diet and he keeps stealing my sugar-free ice cream. he's very spoilt, but that's okay. he's always cold. he's very sweet, but he bites other people. i don't mind, but a lot of other people do.
the last one is niikai. she's transfem, but she won't correct you if you use he/him. it took her a very long time to come to terms with her gender, and she still uses she/he from time to time and cries a lot about her dysphoria and how she thinks she doesn't deserve femininity, which is untrue, but he doesn't believe me. he's very quiet, very soft-spoken. he doesn't seem all too happy to be here, but i'm trying to make him comfortable. she's sick. with what, i'm not sure.
these are my ΠΊΠ°ΠΉΡΠΎΡΠ°s. they're all little doll-androids that i took in. i'm going to take very good care of them.
i made 20 small pancakes, and 3 big ones. they were really good. usually i make vegan pancakes, but i haven't had applesauce for a while as an egg substitute, so i decided to go back to the original recipe. i was surprised by how fluffy they were.
the girls helped me a lot. they helped with everything except cracking the egg, since it's quite large compared to them. i'm happy and surprised, because niikai was feeling well enough to also get involved. she measured out and added the baking powder.
we served these with the option of plain, nutella, or melted sugar-free chocolate. i didn't put sprinkles in the pancakes themselves because i forgot, and they work better in arabic pancakes (baghrir) which i also make sometimes.
i'm feeling really scared and sick lately, but it isn't as bad because i feel so happy seeing niikai eating a little bit more. i don't know how clear it is, but she's gotten a little bit less emaciated. she's still sick but it is improvement. it's nice to see her enjoy things and not get dazed as often from malnutrition. i need not imagine how the blackouts and bone pain must affect her. i hope that niikai continues to get better, so i will keep making nice food for my girls to enjoy.
i usually try and put them to bed before using my phone at night, but niikai couldn't seem to fall asleep at all. i couldn't close my eyes either, so we decided to spend this time together.
i have a lot of files on my phone. i have songs, stories, a folder for art people made for me, and a lot more. i like to keep what's dearest to me in my files, so it was nice showing them to and sharing them with niikai. she seemed to like the less stimulating animation memes.
i think we'll try to sleep again now. i'll leave one of niikai's favourite videos here. it's a korean nursery rhyme called λ, meaning snow. it's ahout the first day of snow, which is very important in korea. i hadn't seen this in a long time, so it felt really special watching it with niikai.
they don't often sit facing the screen because i like to write about things that distress them. sometimes they just lay against my stomach or curl up in my scarves nearby so they can listen to the music with me. sometimes i read my stories to them, but only the baby stories where the worst that happens is the enabling of the world's deadliest mental disorder in a rather dysfunctional but very safe family.
i realise now, looking at it again, that i had made a few errors in the writing i took a photo of, and had a moment where i wrote a homophone. i'm not usually like that, but my cognition has been declining lately and it is hard to communicate at all, even if not through text. i feel so stupid these days, but it's okay. it is what it is.
niikai has been trying on brighter colours lately instead of her usual dark blue or black. maybe a different shade of purple would look better; i don't think my cardigan suits her.
i dreamt that we were sitting together in the apartment and eating ice cream. i forgot what we were initially talking about, but later i asked him if he had any questions about the world, since i haven't told him much. he asked about school.
he wondered about the children he saw with their backpacks that walked down the road we saw, and i saw something flash across her face when, for a moment, she felt it unfair that androids were not allowed to go to school.
it was a big question that i took some time answering. i told her it was nice for the first few years, at least for me, and that it depended on the school culture, peers, and teachers. i went to nursery and made friends and learned shapes and colours and how to stack blocks and hold a spoon. i told fascinator that i learnt a lot and didn't really struggle academically because i was a gifted child, but as i grew older, i realised that the other children only pretended to be friends with me because i would do weird things they could laugh at.
she asked me if she could go to nursery, and i had to tell her that she was too physically big on top of not being four, because that was when they told me i had to start school and couldn't go to nursery anymore. she then asked me if i had friends later.
i blinked and thought about it. no, not at school. i didn't think i had friends. i had people who would invite me to things sometimes, and people who i could do group projects at school with, but i didn't talk to them much or understand them at all. i was vaguely uncomfortable with them and they didn't tell me anything either, really. humans are weird, i was very different mentally, which led people to regard me as subhuman. a lot of people showed me that they thought i was dumb and a pervert, and one boy once called me a retard as well.
she was getting upset, so i told her it's okay. i learned not to desire human companionship as much. they're all fake anyway. you can never truly communicate, especially with a human.
i told her i didn't want to send her to school because the kids had become so mean and chronically online and would definitely bully her for being so undersocialised and vaguely boyish while wearing skirts and bows. i didn't want anyone ever being mean to fascinator.
i woke up then. i want her to make it to RCSI, the royal college of surgeons. i think she can do it eventually. she's an android and won't age out of things, so fascinator has forever, really, and can take as long as she needs to learn everything. my stolen dreams belong to her now.
it is far too hot to do anything these days... i think the heat is making me sick in the head and the body. my mind is degrading...
all we can really do is have cold drinks and ice cream, but you can only have so many coffees and ice creams in a day. it annoys me that i cannot wear so many layers since most of my outfits have three to four layers, so i am relegated to looking a little bit stupid. thankfully the girls have a high specific heat capacity and are more resistant to the sensation of extreme temperatures and aren't feeling as horrid.
i like the scarves my grandmother gave me... i wish i could wear them year-round without turning into a miserable puddle of sweat...
these are the photos from eid i found. sorry i'm posting them so late.
it was the girls' first eid. it was eid al fitr, the one after ramadan. i really loved dressing them up in shalwar. it's good to wear new clothes on eid. fascinator wore the same colours as my favourite shalwar. i bundled up niikai in the shalwar with the most coverage. mnow tried a new colour combination based on a stunning girl he saw at a family gathering.
we took a basket of candy and chocolate to hand out to children to the masjid, and the girls helped hand them out. there were a lot of babies who seemed vaguely interested in their blank baby ways and a lot of them would share vacant stares with fascinator. we also received quite a few chocolates from others handing them out. there were some scarily pushy grandmas who took far more than even two or three for grandchildren who had either already been given sweets or did not exist at all, which made me a bit upset, but what does it matter.
we had halwa puri for breakfast since eid prayer was early in the morning. i was really happy that they seemed to like the halwa. niikai seemed to like the chana masala, and fascinator really liked the halwa with the puri. i tried to teach them all how to make bites, but it was easier to simply feed them myself in the end. mnow didn't eat as much because he wanted chocolate.
the girls were invited to a birthday party with me.
it was a murder mystery party where the birthday girl was the victim and we had to find the antidote to her poisoning and find the attempted killer. i was the detective, and i managed to find the antidote and save her, but the killer got me before i could vote him out.
the girls dressed as their favourite characters from the game: mnow went as sebastian cole, fascinator went as veronica ivanov, and niikai went as charlotte louise.
discoholicmusic
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
turnnoffyourmind
yousharknotpass
origamiaround
pixelskylines
