in transit

[kaizerengu]

📆 05152026 11:11am |🎧 kita ke sana, hindia

i have been listening to indonesian songs these past months and i am personally drawn to hindia/baskara's songs. i also like listening to his other band, .feast. but i am exploring other artists/bands too like for revenge, stereo wall, dewa 19, and perunggu, among others. their songs are helping me overcome my chaotic thoughts lately.

btw, i already landed a new job and i started last may 1. although the position entails mostly wp and figma tasks (which i am comfortable in doing), i am not happy at all. i always feel this way when i do things that do not resonate with me. i also tried applying with an overseas law firm, unfortunately, i did not make it. at this point, i only wanted to survive. but if anyone would ask me, i'd rather create, write, be with nature, live my life (whatever even is the meaning of this), and express my thoughts/creativity. to be someone - who i really am.

i'm also thinking of joining this annual writing contest which i've been eyeing since 2013. but i don't know what's with me. i cannot make myself finish whatever draft i started. it's always the first paragraph. i have many ideas which i cannot put into words. then i'll just end up wallowing. this has become a cycle, which i aim to end this year.

anyway, what i really wanted to say is that i am still fucked up. but i won't die on this shit-hole. i will crawl out from here. i promise you this, self!

[kaizerengu]

📆 03252026 3:11pm |🎧 cornelia street, taylor swift

i should be reading for my taxrev class right now, instead i am listening to my "repeat rewind" playlist while doomscrolling. i only slept for may be 2 hrs at most as i am having a hard time sleeping these past few nights. anyway, i just wanted to share that i am still actively looking for a new job and i have decided to focus on webdev path. i am also upskilling by learning automation and lots and lots of js. i have been worrying too much about the 'financial woe' that we're in right now, but this thought got through me: "worrying about the problem won't solve the problem". so i shifted my "worry" into the finding the solution. i know that sometimes, my inner rage would dominate & takes hold, clouding the clarity of my rational mind. but at the end of the day, i believe that i'd survive. and i need to.

~ lovin' the banana peanut butter waffle ~ acid reflux is aaaaactiveeee right nowwww

[kaizerengu]

dump

[kaizerengu]

may mga pagkakataon talaga na gusto mo magkwento, mailabas ang nararamdaman, sumigaw sa sulat, pero hindi masabi ang mga tamang salita. tulad ngayon, all i have is rage, pero hindi ko mailabas. gusto ko umiyak, pero walang luha, sumigaw pero walang boses. wala akong outlet o di ko lang alam ang tamang paraan. hindi ko mailabas ang kalungkutan, sama ng loob, at pagkadismaya. nakatago. hindi ko alam o aantayin ko na lang mapuno at kusang umapaw.

[kaizerengu]

nakakapagod

[kaizerengu]

dump

[kaizerengu]

📆 02272026 2:01pm |🎧 dreams, the cranberries

"i want more, impossible to ignore"

these past few weeks have been tough. since we're experiencing some sort of financial woe, i decided to apply for a new job. i am torn what industry should i focus on. i started applying for a web dev posts, but as early as now, i am loathing the thought of fixing tech problems and client requests. i also started refreshing my js skills and boy it's exhausting. having to read cases and do web dev on the side. i am also considering the spanish cs post, but the problem would be the work schedule and i need to refresh my spanish skills as well. ang hirap shit hahaha. lucky are those who can focus on studying without worrying about the financial aspect of their lives. ang hirap rin na i need to go home to silang from manila after classes. anyway, i have no choice naman but to get a job asap. i can rant and whine all i want, but it won't solve my problems. so job dust and money dust to us mga alipin ng salapi. ✨for our dreams✨

[kaizerengu]

📆 01082026 12noon | 🎧 spirit city, lo-fi sessions

currently reviewing for my constirev class later.

this year i wanted to finish law school na and to fight the laziness and doubt within me. although may arising financial prob na naman this week, i hope we'll be able to make it through.

i quit from my job last year as i wasn't able to focus on studying and i was forced to work beyond my working hours. i was so exhausted not just physically. this year, i hope to find a new job/client na hindi kasing unfair nung dati. this was also the reason why it took me years to pass my subjects. a lot of people can balance work and studies, but in my case i wasn't able to. i was forced to choose, and not choosing work would mean me not eating, literally. ang hirap na walang safety net hahaha.

ang manifestation ko lang this 2026 ay:

matapos ang law school ✨

6 digits monthly income ✨

good health ✨

clear and glowing skin ✨

[kaizerengu]

there are so many things that i wanted to do, to try, experiences to live. i always felt that i was being restrained by the people who i am with or being restrained by my financial capacity. the latter may be true, but i can't say for the former as the only person who keeps on pulling back my potential is me.

this year, i want to commit to fully love myself, to be my number one supporter. to take a leap of faith, not to hesitate. to love myself more.

[kaizerengu]

i am close to losing my sanity. i'm in my 3rd decade in this life, still can't seem to figure out what to do. i am just waking up in order to survive the day. what to take, what to do, how to walk and carve my own path. i am barely crawling. how do you realize what you want and pursue the same? are you constantly searching too? constantly trying if this path is the right one? always trial and error.

are you happy? are you feeling lonely too? when you close your eyes, do you genuinely see yourself as a happy being?

[kaizerengu]

i am so disappointed with myself today. i wasn't able to attend the final exam in my civrev class as i wasn't feeling well. i haven't finished reading all the materials and my body just shut down during the crucial moment. i should've fought the headache and body pain. i should've showed up despite what i am feeling. i am once again ashamed of what i've done. it seems that all of my efforts in the entire semester were put into waste. :( i should've kept my eyes open and bear the pain for a while. why can't i?

[kaizerengu]

i started law school nung 2017, but life happened and i made several decisions that affected my journey. this semester i decided to go back, to redeem myself. ngayon lang ako mag-aaral ng 'totoo' and it felt like i'm back to zero. i hope that i would pass all my subjects despite my doubts.

[kaizerengu]

4 years ago, i decided to rent an apt away from home. it was a bold decision back then as i try to be independent. cos y'know i'm not really good at handling my finances ('til now) so it was really a big girl responsibility for me. my life before then was work + gala + bahay without having to think of paying any bills monthly. partida i was already in my late 20s that time. i know medyo immature ako sa part na 'yun, but i was in a really dark place during those times. but, oh well. i have no choice but to grow up while growing old.

and today, i'm moving out with iñ. mag-stay muna kami sa house nila for a week while waiting sa vacancy ng apt na gusto namin. before pa talaga i'm thinking na to relocate away from the metro because aside sa cheaper ang rent, i want to breathe. there's something about the city that makes me lonely. growing up in a rural area made me dream to live in a city. i'm still in love with the city lights and tall buildings, pero kapag nakakauwi na, the silence eats me alive. basta di ko ma-explain hahaha

[kaizerengu]

i miss my solo travels. 'yung kapag naisipan ko to unwind or escape saglit, i'll just check my bank acct and see kung hanggang saan aabutin. then i would hop on a bus by midnight para saktong morning nasa destination na. good thing i was able to do that cos i don't think magagawa ko sya anytime soon. ang daming probs jusko hahaha.

i thought mas gagaan ang 30s ko, but not hahaha. mas lalo akong naging anxious sa state ng buhay, though di masyadong halata. but i'm always screaming internally. gusto ko na mag-travel ulit.

[kaizerengu]

Patuloy na umiikot ang mundo. Araw-araw may namamatay, araw-araw rin may bagong silang at humihinga sa unang pagkakataon. Kahit anong mangyari at gawin kong desisyon, patuloy ang buhay ng bawat tao sa paligid ko. Andito man ako o wala. Nakapikit man ako o hindi. Masaya man ako o malungkot. Hindi ako kawalan. Mawala man ako o tayo, iiyak lang sila at malulungkot pansamantala. Maaalala paminsan-minsan. Pero hanggang doon na lamang. Magiging alaala na lang tayo kahit anong pilit nating mabuhay nang mabuhay para mabuhay. Sa huli, mawawala rin sila at tuluyan tayong maglalaho pati sa memorya. Paano nga ba manatili?

[kaizerengu]

dear stranger,

umaga na naman. matutulog pa lang ako and i'm supposed to wake up by 11ish am for work. this has become a habit ng mga ilang buwan na. i know unhealthy, but for the love of money keri lang or talagang kinakaya na lang. i don't know until when should i torture and treat myself/body badly. i know this habit of - working, not sleeping, too much caffeine consumption - will eventually kill me. papalapit na ata ako sa expiration date ko. but oh well, everybody dies anyway.

gonna sleep na. sana makatulog cos i just finished a cup of coffee kanina hahaha 🤸‍♀️

[kaizerengu]

Dear Stranger,

i've typed several words before this and ended up deleting them. it seems my thoughts are so tangled that i can't even decide what to say or think in this moment. in a split second, my mind wanders to so many places, searching every fiber for nostalgia, while at the same time imagining scenes of 'what might have been if...'

oh to be young and bold. to be so carefree and willing to take risks. where has my "youth" gone? can i still be carefree and take risks even when i'm already in my 30s? yes, right? but unlike before, i need to prioritize some things like bills and rent before i can be truly free. i don't know if i'm making sense here. like i always say, i just wanted to be truly happy. i can't find happiness in my daily routine. can't find happiness in thinking how can i pay my obligations monthly. i feel like a caged bird. i need to set aside a payment for something before i can indulge and satisfy my cravings. i'm such a lame human being. living just to waste my life. what's the point of being alive then?

[kaizerengu]

huhu dami kong hanash, gusto ko lang naman ng pera hahaha. but kidding aside, simultaneous with whining, i should think of a escape plan. so i decided to resign, but not sure when hehe. di rin naman ako sasaya pag broke ako, so i really need to calculate my steps. tangina hirap maging adult