tl:dr; some thoughts on grief
This week I’ve had to think about and talk about my dad’s passing more than usual. It just so happened that while I’ve been dealing with my own shit, that others around me are dealing with their shit too.
Our textbook for my one class says that grief can take anywhere from 12-24 months to work through. Sometimes, it’s even longer. It all depends on circumstances and blah blah blah.
I had a friend ask me this week point blank what it’s like to watch your father die. Clearly this person pulls no punches right? I had to think about how to answer. I barely slept the last week of my father’s life. I dozed on the couch or the recliner, afraid to leave his side. I was so scared that he would die when no one was awake or with him. I just didn’t want him to be alone. Yes, I know we all die alone. But I wanted the last thing he saw or heard to be his family telling him that we love him.
Some people don’t know that, yes, I was there when he took his last breath. I didn’t want to talk about it. I held my sister’s hand and watched as his body shuddered and then...that was it. Sometimes I see things that make me think of that moment. In a movie or a TV show. It’s not intentional, but then the thought is there and it’s hard to shake.
They say the first year is the hardest, because it’s the first of everything. The first Thanksgiving without. The first Christmas without. My first birthday without. Next it’s the first Father’s Day without. And you can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy if a friend tells a story involving their dad. Things like, wow it’s nice you can have dinner with your dad. I wish I could have dinner with mine. I don’t like to be bitter, but I can’t help but feel a sense of that loss when the thought strikes me that I’ll never treat dad to dinner again. Never get him to giggle again. Never see him again. It stings.
Sometimes there are waves of sadness I can’t explain. I’ll be doing something and out of nowhere this feeling surfaces that I can’t shake. And I won’t be able to shake it for awhile. It hasn’t even been half a year yet, but at the same time it’s been too long. And then Gram passed and it just made everything worse. I knew that it was going to be a rough year. I just didn’t realize how much so.
You take it day by day. You tell people you’re hanging in there. Because you have to. I mean, you have to keep moving forward. But people don’t understand. They don’t know what to say or how to help. And that’s okay. There is no answer except to bring the person back, and we know that’s impossible.
I really wanted to write down everything so that I could share it with others going through what I’ve been through. But I find the words don’t come, and sometimes the numbness I feel is overwhelming. And then there are days like today where it’s a chore to just get dressed, but I can manage to find a few words. Life is weird. Our minds are weird. But they’re also fascinating.
Alright, I’m done with this for now. Need to push myself to actually get ready for the show tonight.
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