I LOVE your version of Pearl! ā How does this Pearl train Connie differently? š”ļø None of that 'you don't matter' baloney! āļø
hey!! sorry for taking one bilion years aprox. to get to your kind asks! ill put some thoughts under the cut, to be clear i dont think i have a 100% definitive plan on this yet but i was considering some ideas of how itd go
while i want to correct like, alot ofstuff i hated, i was thinking on this part recnently with the buzz my post got. part of me considers this route: my pearl starts training connie kindly and like attempting to respect shes a human child, but as the training deepens, she gets lost in herself and her trauma mindset, thus us getting that song that has her making connie feel like she doesnt matter, But that gets interrupted by steven or garnet and pearl snaps out of it, realising shes projecting on connie and subsequently harming her. she would get just as upset , but instead of kids having to cheer her up and be responsible for her instability, she would have to find in her to overcome and restore her attitude to a proper guardian, or at least try, even if imperfectly, and thus explain to them why she was acting that way and Apologize, like that was always my fucking proble like she needs to proper apologize rather than be coddled for her abusive behavior. i think then steven could interject that its notnjust bad tht she said it to connie, but that she ever said to Herself in the first place, etc
just give me somepatience bc i dont wanan rewarch SU rn so some details foggy orz
the reason i think it would be valuable keeping that pearl does something abusive in this situation is bc its a really good example of how abuse gets perpetuated, even from ppl who were abused and not abusers, because it becomes all someone knows if they dont deconstruct and process that they were harmed. but its also unnaceptable how the show gives og pearl an universal pass bc her feelings got hurt, specially when shes in the care of Children and the show is aimed At Kids. it should never be the childrens responsibility to fix the adults around them, even if its often abuse that happens irl, inwoild rly like to portray yk a cartoon fantasy where its posisble for adults to feel true remorse for their abuse and for kids to be protected and Apologized to and treated with some respect and dignity.
honestly one of the biggest frustrations with SU was that it was often times so close to extremely good and shot itself in the foot. i alnost wish it had been garbage from the start so id never gotten invested hddj
i think how my pearl carries herself and her body language would make it much clearer when shes of present mind teaching connie, and when she becomes lost and is singing more to herself, repeating routines, rather than intentionaly trying to impart these ideas onto her and groom her into a tool. connie is one of my fav characters and i see my pearl and connie being quite alike sometimes. she would recognize that she carried those principles of self sacrifice and that she only thinks it applies to herself, and very much doesnt want it to be how connie sees herself, which arises alot of emotional confusion and conflict in pearl, to realise this disparity and have to be confronted wirh the why.
i think it can be a good portrayal of the cycle of abuse when done critically without it suddenly being about what a poor poor thing pearl is like in canon. like yes it is quite sad and tragic for my pearl but her and garnet are both able to recognize what is nuch more immediately pressing is that it led to her harming a child and stevens friend. she would feel extremely guilty and remorseful and have to atone, explain things to connie properly and reassure her how much she Does matter, to all of them. she would at first be too scared to try training connie again, afraid she would hurt her, but with the everyones support and garnets presence watching over, shed carefully try again, teach connie more self defensive techniques and realise how much she needed a brushing up on them as well, and teaching connie becomes also a learning moment for pearl.
thts the rough broad strokes of it i think. i coulr change the plotlin of that ep entirely ofc but id have ti rewatch and i rly dont wanna for a while, and i think its not an unsalvageable episode idea, it just needed to be handled very very differently. i think swords and rapiers would remain the weapons of this episode, perhaps pearl could even try to use a broadsword too to match connie and tweak the training to be more appropriate to what weapon she uses. i rly like the idea of reclaimed!pearl being a very gentle and almost meek seeming character and yet still being very much a sword geek with a large collection and deceptively knowledgeable on warfare. she isnt flashy or conceited about it, in a way its almost a scholar like fascination.
i think it could be interesting as well for there to be insights of how pearl sees connie and stevens relationship and how she likens it to her devotion to rose and due to that, fails at First to understand that connie and steven are on an equal level. when they protest and correct her, she needs to reevaluate her understanding and it could be a good teaching moment for a younger audience how there will be often the danger in relationships of inequality if a healthy bond isnt actively cultivated, and that not one friend is more important than the other for any reason and both their needs matter.
just lots of thoughts! lmk what you think anon! its fair if you never see this tho it has been a century
hey. not really just.. hows it going. got some really bad things going right now.
the SU reclaimed pearl replacement post i did forever ago still gets traction to this day, which is surprising to me. do people really like it?
i speak of it because i got some pretty shitty comments on it. i wondered if it got the attention of the wrong crowdā¦ and i coped with that blocked ignored etc life goes on. but as this bad thing irl is occupying my mind, its reminded me of one of the bad faith criticisms ive gotten on that piece. i think i feel like writing some about that.
ive had ppl criticize my version of pearl is more submissive and has struggles with autonomy. the really fuckhead comment called her a ātradwife stereotypeā and like. the rational part of me knows that strangers words mean nothing specially when theyre coming from a bad faith position. as an artist/writer, you shouldnt create for the lowest common denominator who does not respect your craft as a baseline.
the mentally ill part of me however has wished every sort of violence upon then in my head lol. but also a deep desire to imprtint pain upon someone. do you have any idea how extremely shitty you are? etc. its not worth aiming it at the individual persnally for real becuase thats a losing battle. one part of me has this delusion that if people just talked to eachothr that we could come to understanding and return to decency, but in the internet as we know it, thats simply not posible 99% of the time.
however i came back ti talk about it, about why i felt it was so morally reprehensible, to yall, to good natured followers if there are any left. why it was so personal, and why i thought it so ridiculous, even though its utterly not worth addeessing in the context of correcting an idiot online. why?
my grandmother might have cancer. its come pretty suddenly. and in thinkung about my grandmothers life, the feelings of despair and agony that ive been having, theyre actually related to the reason why i made that choice for that character arc for my pearl.. art is kinda silly isnt it?
pearlās personality had to be changed because shes extremely similar to my abuser and a lot of her storylines remind me of my experience with abuse. i made this au where i āreclaimā SU. bc i onfe loved it very much you know? and it wasa huge chunk of my teen tht got soured terribly by what a horrible show it turned out to be. soni wanted to do whatever tweaks to canon i need so i cna look back to the pieces of SU that Were good abd meaningful to me, tht i wanted to he able to connect with again and not suffer so much. pearl was The biggest obstacle, her personaity most of all. but everyhint associated with her is poison to me. i am mentally ill, im some stranger artist online making drawings to make myself and some like minded people happy.
so what do i change her to? whats my inspiration? i guess to the disappointment of the haters, i decided to change her from a representative of my abuser, to facet of my experiece as the abused. i guess this guy is the ātradwife made for male fantasyā or whatever the shit ppl were saying lol. i simply wanted to make pearl someone id like more and have an easier time connecting with becuase the negative associatioj is so potent yk? i made her relatable. in my defense, i was also tooking whats been canonically established there for pearls as a speciesā¦ you can take it up to the sugar woman for that.
pearls are servants, objects, decorations. (tbh, All non diamond gems are servants but everyone loves to ignore that. bismuth was just as much of a slave as pearl) when we finally were learning about them as a class, their subservience, like that stuff works for me. its relatable. i thought, you know i wanna make her main arc in the show, instead of beign a horrible pos that never changes and everyone forgives for her abuse, into overcoming that abused state as a pearl. maybe thats not āempowermentā enough for some people if she has to do any character development but i made this shit for Me. if you dont like My shit, move the fuck on yk. literally stop wasting Both of our times find shit you enjoy. watch the og show and realize some mentally ill weirdo online hasnt erased your beloved white insufferable asshole from existence (if only lol)
im sorry im not being that nice on this post, if you havent noticed, im alittle on edge. i wish i could inflict people with self awareness of how shitty it is to diminish art representing peopleās lived in experiences or abuse but yk whatever. i know theres no consciousness to be found there. like i didnt choose to have been hurt the way that i was, you know? if i couldve chosen to have not been mistreated to the point i didnt even see myself on equal levels of dignity and worth as the rest of the humans, ofc id choose to have a cool different experince that incidentally doesnt necessitate my characters to be suffering people. anyway
ive thought about my pearl abd this little quandry again and was spurred to write becuase i was reflecting on my grandmothers life, as a child of immigrants, being married off severely underage and then spending her entire life serving the needs of the family. housewife stuf yk. ātradwifeā. did that person thing that just the inclusion of any kind of subjugation or submission from an abused woman person equals endorsement? have i not written in length about how pearl growing to reconize her own personhood and agency Is the end goal? maybe i hallucinated all that lol or deleted rhe posts? to be fair, i couldve deleted the posts. i still think of deleting this account now. the years have not been kind to me as an online artist, and my relationship with an online audience has been severely battered
is it lame? that an abused trans guy is writing a version of pearl that is first still suffering from the effects of her abuse long after it ended, and about how shes able to finally find freedom for herself? i dont care if it is but if someone is coming to spew shit about it then do it with your whole chest, stop hiding under fake moralizing and own the fact you fucking hate a subsect of abuse survivors and our stories. im not going to stop dreaming about narratives of overcoming the scars of abuse. not only have i carried so much of my own, but im witnessing the generational depth that they come from. ill never stop dreaming for a scenario where its not too late to break out of that. because in real life so many people will and have died befoe ever knowing true agency of their own. so many people have never been afforded the chance to dream.. can you even fathom that? can the despicable horseflies buzzing around miserably fathom that while they harass people online freely, someone could be groomed into a role from befoe thryre even an adult and thrn thrust into a life where the obligations feel impossible to back out of, and that their own self is not worth imposing for?
honestly i dont know what to do with all those feelings. the despair of it, and of just.. havibg been to young to understand. of being too old and distant to make ammends. its not over yet so theres still things i can and want yo try to mae the last of it mean anything at all but, this grief is really overpowering. ofc thres a lot of anger, the harassment ive received over the years has harbored alot of anger towards the way people are, but thats kind of a secondary fiddle to the main course, what really matters and why im spurred to type, its just. a feeling i cant put a name on. really its a bunch of emotions at once, a blast of cortisol and this ache in my joints, and the prickling right under my skin. it hurts, it feels stiff, like being trapped in a tiny box crushing me, it feels like i wish i could get trampled, hurt so violently that it tears me limb from limb anrd the pain washes me away and i can feel relaxed again.
ive fought really hard to become a more autonomous person, to be freer from not only direct abuse but also the damage thats lingered in my mind. like my pearl, who hadnt been treated by the crystal gems as an object for thousands of years and yet still carries the same stigmas of herself and sees herself as an object, ive been trapped in a cage someone cultivated me in, expecting id be stuck there forever. i left their cage but my mind has carried all those lessons. my mind still is waiting for me to be abused again, like it feel i deserve to be.
thats why i made my pearl start out the way i portrayed in the first post i made of her. the characters around pearl will teach and stimulate her into learning autonomy, because thats how it was for me. i was so thoroughly conditioned that i couldnt even Fathom a different state of existence before someone told me. i thought getting beaten was normal. i thought getting abused was normal. i thought thinking of myself as less than a dog was normal, because i was told it was simply the truth.
it pains me to think of how these scars have just repeated. so many generations. that i had the privilege of meeting someone who truly loved me and cared to give me the dignity of a human being, and that perhaps my grandmother will die not really having ever experienced it. is it too late? can i still connect with her as fellow human beings? my life shit is complicated and im not givng more information and im not opening the floor for discussions on it, i simply am using the given right to speak my heart in this place ive had for so many years. i dont even know if its still safe here. it seems kinda like its stayed the same? where other platforms have become unsustainable to life.
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i imagined pearl findign a lot of purpose in the home life, caring for steven as a baby, because in many ways it reminds her of the servitude that was programmed into her. as well as allowing her to serve āroseā, unhealthly thinking of steven as a rose proxy. while for my pearl i removed the rose quartz x pearl relationship bc like that slave/master shit is simply Not a territory i wanna have anything to with in this context lol, like SU got so fucking messy wih that it makes me insane, BUT my pearl, i picture she still depended on rose just as badly as in canon, just without the romantic angle. while rose (whos not pink diamond in this au) doesnt Intend to treat pearl as a servant, she does not invest in helping her heal either. she dosnt discourage pearl from her abused behaviors because she finds them endearing and they serve her favor well. rose is everything for pearl, sheās the master in these confusing times where she is free but she doesnt understand what that Means, her mind is still the same as it was under pink diamond, she sees herself as belonging to rose and that feels good and safe, rose is kind and pearl doesnt have to confront that being treated like an object is damaging, because she doesnt see her own pain in the first place.
hence, her homeliness with steven and greg, her attatchment to being this mother/caretaker figure (which i meant to parallel the canon behavior in the show of helicopter abusive parenting and possessiveness of canon pearl) is meant to be not the best for her or steven. its not healthy. its often harmonious when steven is still a baby, but as steven grows into the age we start the show with, he is questioning the world and pushing back against her behavior, and challenging the points of view that pearl simply avoided confronting because she is hurt, its too painful and its easier to repeat abuse than overcome it.
so yeah. i took issue with labeling her one way based on the blatantly low point of before her character gets to grow. shoild i have just made the post show pearl already to be like dw guys writing has development and i dont just make static characters for no reason? i dont care because i am growing with her. writing and planning her story beats as she reaches her potential is a way I use to find catharsis and heal with my art. i know i shouldnt be so affected by what people say, and honestly, its less that each thing said is so important and more that im just. old. that ive had enough shit hurled my way i kept my head down for and took it on the chin, and i had a terrible time recently, and ive reached the āone cornchip away from mass murderā point. like it doesnt matter who or what it is, im just like. the next motherfucker that messes with me is fucking toast. yeah i knowni gotta cope with that shit and get over it but im indulging in some written childishness tonight and nobody can fucking stop me.
i also made my pearl this way so id cultivate some empathy with this version of the character, subdue my previous hatred, and cultivate empathy towards a reflection of myself. because that way is easier. cause when i talk to myself, im often not even a Smidge sympathetic. its just some artsy fartsy psychological strategy to fool my hatred filled heart into maybe thinking kindly on something that resembles myself.
and also i changed her nose bc injust want her to look diffetent from the og bc the og is trigrering and a bad association :/ like shrugs pearls nose doesnt need any correcting per se its just iconic and her ifni do it exacrly the same im gonna see the og pearl and feel angry and upset. some ppl sct like i gave her a button nose though and its ridiculous lol dhkdh shes meant to have a nose arched pretty much like connieās. im adressing this point because although youd have to be coming in really bad faith to outright argue witu me over that and then you lose your existence in my yard privileges, i would like to dispell any reasonable anxiety over the design choice that a decent person might have in the back fo their heads.
what else.. tbh i find myself missing drawning my pearls. like, fixing more of SU and having yo be reminded of how mucu itnfucking sucked is the Last fucking thing i want to do right now. like holy shit cannot emphasize enough how things have been enough garbage with other fandoms that i dont need to be reminded that this one sucked too and wasa black hole in my life. But, i miss my pearl a little. yknow the likes and reblogs the numbers thar can equate appreciation, they really get kinda lost in the noise for me yk? its stupid, 3 hate comments outweight no matter hundreds of engagements in the human brain. this shit is jsut not built human friendly. but im trying to remind myself, that it did get a lot of non hateful stuff interactions.. so i am grateful for that. it does remind me distantly of feeling good when ppl identify or enjoy something ive made.ļæ¼
ļæ¼i wodner sometimes, is there a single person still left on there thst would want more of her? or mroe of SU reclaimed? to be honest, ive largely lost a lot of my motivation with sharing my art. ive had some really bad experiences over the years since the last times i posted art on here. i kinda dont rememebr anymore, having a positive relation as an artist with my audience. ive become a lot more hurt and cynical.. really i just feel lost. loss of purpose and meaning and most of all motivation. like ive kept drawing all this time. ive just been enjoying sharing my art online less and less
they say you cant let the haters win bc they harassed me so id disappear. but i dont feel like living for spiting the haters either. but maybe, i can rescue my soul sitll and find good people who care, however few, and ignore everything else, maybeā¦ its just a lofty delusion. being bullied isnt the reason i havent beeen active but the degrading of how people treat online artists has. ive lived bejng an online artist since i was a child. it was paramount to how interfaced with the desire to draw. and that got utterly fucked up in the past few years. i dont really know it this is the life i want to subject myself to anymore
all my posts turn into rambles its simply unreasonable to apologize for it now. just take this for what it is. ive been considering reviving my aet career , abd also burning it to the grounf and giving up permanently. i still havent come to a conclusion yet and ive been torn about it for probaly over 5 years. this probably isnt getting resolved soon.
if youāve read this far, youre probably my husband if so i love you babyš, if youre here and are someone Else. holy shit. thank you..? you can leave in the replies that youre a real one. or not. the point is that i cant fathom you existing but id appreciate it terribly, like alot. please treat yourself for the good deed or smth bless you
this reply really brigthened my day thankyou! i havent posted in here or insta for forever, been busy with college but i always really wish to get back on my art projects, and this is one i am really fond of and always feel wistful to go back to.. im glad you like her!! to be honest, i initially planned to not redesign anything i didnt feel like i Had to, with the idea that itd try to tweak as little as possible until i managed to get SU into a series i could love again without feeling upset. but after its been some time, redesigning one of the characters completely is such a Major visual change that perhaps keeping Everything else intact makes her just stand out in a bad way? so perhaps i could like make small design tweaks to all the characters even if purely to adapt them more to a style im more comfortable with vs just copying the original.. i think its defintely worth considering. its hard to iterate on designs that are already so perfect like garnet for example but they could be just small tweaks in some places just for fun..
honestly a big obstacle i run into is that i love so many styles of media, that i keep not picking one specific medium to make the au into and i think it makes things more confusing. theres alot i could do.. from comics/graphic novels, ive even considered jsut, going to youtube and making a video just Explaining my au concept paired with images and music like ive seen some people do... id love to hear anyones thoughts on this if you are reading this post. no promises on time frame sadly, hoping i can graduate (unrelated) and then i can start to actually consider my time distribution on things like these
yk how i said i think bullying is bad even if its just a joke its mean and its attracting the wrong crowd on the like almost no notes vent post i made on that horror pod, i got ppl literally telling me to kms over it which rly proves the point perfectly dont it dhjdhdk this is so funny
i prayed to ganesh today and minutes later it began raining that went on for a whole hour and gave me a little breather by making a stressful thing be postponed, which was what i wished for. ive never had my prayers answered so fast before. it made me feel maybe theres a chance not everything is gonna go to shit in my life. the rain smelled really nice
had something disastrous happen this morning that risked my entire life being jeopardized. but maybe whatever happens to me no matter how im made to suffer, ill be able to survive it. and maybe sometimes, the universe is kind enough to grant me moments to rest and recover from my suffering enough to feel ready to face the obstacles ahead
ive been recovering from knee surgery for like 2 months or something now. been stuck at abusers house this whole time. im so depressed at this point i barely feel like ill ever feel joy again. needless to say i havent drawn much either, havent felt motivated to do anything. i would say id rather be dead than be here but i wanna be with my spouse so i dont want to die, i just want my abusers to never appear before me ever again so i could find peace in the world. god. i should be able to come home soon and im praying ill be able to feel joy or anything other than bleak depression and emptiness again when i get to be free and on my own enough to begin to exist again as a human being. im tired of pretending to be a pet/object. i want to feel again i want to express artistically i want to feel desire to invest myself in my art and i want to get a job and get money and be free and go live with my wife
been watching creepcast more or less since the first/second episode and after latest i keep wanting to talk to ppl abt my thoughts and im tired of trying to engage with other youtube comments / i dont wanna keep bothering my spouse with this plus id want to talk to other ppl who are viewers but dhkdhfk im gonna rant behind the cut; tw animal death/violence, child abuse
gonna rant assuming readers is also a viewer cause too tired to explain, sorry. this is just āstuff id want to chat with fellow fans of the poscast but i dont have friends who watch it, and the youtube comments suck for the most part and id rather be turned inside out than login to redditā, like i did end up using rhe comment section way toomuch already, jm tired and its like 3% normal ppl and 97% dicks and assholes with bully disorder
like it was a big enlightening to just properly label things last night at last and process the feelings and situation. this is jsut a podcast with isaiah bullying his cohost hunter (āas a jokeā) and the fans at large are people who enjoying bullying snd find it funny, and try to bully commenters who disrupt their āfunā, trting to discret and demean them as friendless parasocial losers for not playing along the theater of mockery and treating it as socially acceptable.
like its one thing to tease between friends and make dark jokes, its another thing to repeatedly, insistently, laugh at your friend for being traumatized as a child by violent animal death? like. its like i get that initially he was just really baffled at the event like haha oh my god did that happened thats so fucked up (which is annoyingly normie in its own way like yeah dude, none of us have control over fucked up shit happening to us as children, like he makes such a spectacle about it like its this earth shattering thing). like its tragic and a big deal but like wrt trauma its usually safe to be on the level that the person with the trauma is setting, if theyre talkinf about it really intensely it makes sense to match up to that tone or lower. instead hunter is trting to move on while isaiah is just obsessed fascinated with it like its fiction almsot. idk just . uggghhhhhhh
i could kust make a collage fo commwnts that made me like lose hope for humanity each time but i dontw anna dwell on annoying bullshit and commit it more to memory. like people are jusrā¦ like there is some dark humor inherent to like calljng your mom as an adult on your show to have her back you up only for it to turn out it was way worse, but like the way isaiah kept laughing about it for so long.. like hecan laugh and joke like that at his Own traumas if he has them. just. idk. tgisn podcast like just. ugh its making me irritated tot hink abt explaining whats happening in it to people like go watch it with adblock on, im gonnaskip explainjng more and jsut say some feelings to the void that id rather like scream at someone about. i was gonna say scream at assholes in the commmebts but i actually want their internet connection destroted and for them to be forced to dismantle their phones and pcs and set them on fire so they can never speak again.
isaiah is coming off like such a monster. like, āāāas a jokeāāā acting like an asshole is still acting like an asshole, i dont care anymore that hes actually probably rly well intentioned and ncie bc he jsut needs to stop being fucking rancid and a shitty cohost and friend. an honestly i cant even believe the āhes actually niceā shit anymore. starting tj feel hes been an ashsole all along and just pretends to be a good guy. like he takes too much joy out of excessive bullying to be a good person. like genuine just bullying, with no consequences. ppl are like āoh hunters fine with it bc hes putting up with itā like as if every single person alive Never has to put up and laugh along shit that bothers them. specially on what is essentially their Job. hunter barely appears comfortable and he does not dish back nearly as viciously- and we jnow hes capable of rly dark humor and banter too, on his own channel tje vibe is completely different but he has none or that edge with isaiah. while isaiah is literally like i wnan dox you please fans m*lest hunter in the meet and greet, i want this guy dead; isaiah literlaly makea such a huge deal every time hunter had a disagreeing opinion irs clear hes started to just not weight in when he doesnt like something, itd be one thing to make these super intense mean comments if hunter did them back but every time isaiah would not take or tolerate it when it was towards himself,; and honestly all of the stuff before had been like accumulating to be pretty bad but rhe latest ep with the dog story eallyi guess like crosses a line of like, this is just genuinely wrong and i dont care how mcuh the comments say its āparasocialāto have basic human empathy! youre watchint a guy talk abt having the family dog shot in the back of the head in front of him by his grandfather, only to then find out on air feom his mother the shooting had been intentional and his grandfatehr was actuallt a monster instead of a disabled man traumatizinf you by accident. like the ironic tragedy of him calling his mom to back him up on that āits not a big dealā only for her to contradict him is funny on a cosmic sense, but like it is iust. not that funny dude. like isaiah kept bursting into laughter just thinking about it. oh is it too absurd for you to take seriously? do yoh just not give a fuck about how tour friend might feel? dude didnt even fucking ask. he didnt eveb show a sliver of care , sympathy empathy anything. he literally says āill never let you live this downā. LIVE WHAT DOWN???? having his grandfather intentionally shoot his dog in front of him as a 7 year old child? like what the actual fuck is wrong with him??!! have like even a shred of respect for your cohost, like its all āas a jokeā but if you consistently āas a jokeā act like a cruel manipulative bullying person, im just gonna choose to believe youre actually just that person using āhumorā as a shield to excuse your behavior.
like wtf. i was actually a fan of isaiahs chanel first and i didnt rly vibe with hunter that much and i wouldnt have expected, bc i woildnt enjoy watching an asshole, that isaiah wouldve turned out to be such a self centered horrible person. like its all funny TO HIM, i dont get the sense its enjoyable at all to be in that room when isaiah is getting all giddy and having a kick out of treating hunter like a punching back. yeah he probably doesnt mean to be actually hurtful but it doesnt look like the thought even crosses his satan spawn eyes that someone could have a different reaction than the one he was intends there to be. like i dont know hunter and idk if id even like him if i talked to him in person but it sucks qnr is horrible to watch anyone be treated that way consistently. like i wish creepcaet juet actually ended or isaiah learned how to not be shitty. i dont care if its not in his nature to not be awful he should just try to pretend to be a decent person for once. like i feel bad for hunter becuase it comes across like hes more stuck in the podcast than enjoying it and i empathise with struggling to leave āfriendsā who treat you like shit. and its like work too, i have no idea how much of a monetary and reputation loss it would be to leave. ppl are like ātheyre adults they surely worked within themselvesā yeah bc no adult ever has struggled or been stuck in a situation thats hard to get out of. honestly like yeah this is just a shitty podcast with shitty fans who just enjoy watching a bigger guy get bullied for no reason because they are probably mostly awful bullies in their own lives too hurting the people around them and i dont need to convern myself over what people who get a kick out of hurting others think.
i guess obligatory like. insane and unwarranted comment to the hosts bc no one is readingnthis let alone either of them but its like what if they read it and like felt x or y way in reaction. maube writing this will give me some semblance of peace
@ hunter: you seem cool and youre a really talented artist and naturally funny on camera/audio. i relate to having memories from childhood warped like that, and im sure/i would imagine that was the story told because it was far from the actual worst one. i think you deserve to respect yourself more, im sure being bullied is no skin of your back, im fat and ive been derided bc of it my whole life, from since i was 70kg and im 100kg now. its smth you get used to and it feels like not a big deal but on a fundamental level i thibk everyone deserves to respect themselves at least enough to not let friends treat you like shit to this extent. like i know banter and teasing is normal, butlike. its so excessive dude. it comes across like youre just stuck there and idk your financials and maybe you coulr be, ive heard of stories like that wrt youtube projects, and subversive animations arent loved by youtubeās revenue. heavy condolences if this turns out to be the case and hoping things can change. im sure it would be hard to quit anyway bc ppl would make such a big deal abt it. but if you are free to leave at anytime and you have freedom and are safe with isaiah,thank god thats great, get the FUCK out of there or get isaiah to stop treatiny you like shit cause you deserve better. if somehow you iust love beint berated like that i guess like each to his own too, i just hope youre doing ok juwt oj the basis of beint a fellow human being who appears to be in a legitimately shitty situation. if you are ajd im insane, thats fine too, id rather be insane than someone be suffering.
sigh
@ isaiah: i really liked your youtube vids. you seemed like a decent enougu guy. ofc like i dont actualyl Know either of tou, injust am human and relating on basic emotional levels based on the behavior you choose to display online. man. what the hell is wrong with you? if i expected you to actually read this i would be more polite but i dont expect a single soul to read this, really. like, manā¦ i want to believe theres capacity of good and kindness in every person so surely you must have it, and if you do.. why are you acting like that. is being mean That funny? i love dark humor but ive never taken joy out of actively bullying people so i cant really relate but like, surely you can find otuer ways to have fun with your friend? im sure you think its all fine bc hunter wont throw a tantrum like you do but some people are actually way more inwards with their emotions and like you coild try to be a little more interested in how someone else feels when you bully them. āas a jokeā. like maybe its not as funny as you think itnis, or they migut not be enjoying it like you do. i know its hard to stop when you want to talk but please try to stop interrupting hunter repeatedly after you clewrly mustve heard him adter the call delay? honestly, i thought you were a fine guy but now its like maybe youre just on a power trip, havint someone hostage to validate your opinions on horror and to bully for fun who wont talk back to you in a way thats actually challenging. since you love the sounf of your own voice so much you could do a solo podcast, you dont need hunter to be there as a punching bag in order to make a podcast. if you lvoe and care about hunter as a friend sincerely and iust have been totally by accident actint like a major piece of shit, id like want to hope for you to improve as a person in how you act and id want to believe thats very possible, but episode after episode its just.. like i dont give a shit abt dark mean humor i dont care if you call us in the audience pieces of shit or freaks or whatever, weāre not there talking to you, but hunter Is hearing what youre saying and is actually there.like id say for a christian you are extremely cruel but that is just ao on brand for open christians to behave that way that i honestly wanted to believe you would subvert that expectation, but it seems i was wrong. you know like i dont get this being mean as a joke thinf and neber have, i would say if hunter died tomorrow would you not have rather spent time with him in a positive way where he was loved instead of berated, but youd most likely ājokeā that youre glad hes dead and that you didnt bully him enough. im not christian and i dont believe in heaven or hell but i know for you that youre most likely not seeing the pearly gates until you learn to pretend to be a good person to your friends. its probably not even smth you genuinely want to do or care to do but you could make that sacrifice of being nicer so the world is a better place while it has to have you here.
big sigh this isjsut hggggghhhhhh like a shame bc i love horror and i had enjoyed isaiahs youtube vids but , man this is such a disappointment. obviously i dont rly wana watch the podcast anymore butni like hunter reading and his voice and i would just hope for the best for him going forward, and the insane in my brain is like i gotta check it out maybe isaiah apologizes and acts like normal and nice without being rancid for once. even tho i know that wont be true bc it hasnt been for weeks since i started watching, i guess ill tune in for the next and if he foesnt shape up iāll quit it. find a diff horror podcast or smth. makes me sad imagining hunter stuck in there. kike idk if hes even a good person like hes edgy on his own channel too but in general like he comes across like isaiah used to , lile someone who just seems fine and i havent heard anything saying theres smth horribly wrong with him. just on a basic human level it sucks to see people struggle and suffer. speciallt when its situations i relate and have been to. its been at least (uhh mathā¦) damn 10 years or smth since an event that really stuck with me, where i was kust telling soem school friend abt my life at home bc we were just talking, and i relayed one of the ways my parents would beat me and how i was so scary, and she burst our cackling in my face. its a feeling that took a long time to stop having it sting in my head. she wasnt intending to laugh At me, or bc she thought beating children was genuinely good or funny, but to her the situation was so absurd it was funny. i can understand that on a detached level like if it wasnt real there would be some comedy timing to it. but instead i iust felt like a joke. like i was stupid, like it was this really funny ass thing, and i tried to play along, and it was like the fear trauma and pain that resulted from those events was a joke too. like i was stupid for having my life warped ny the abuse and it affecting me, because it was just so absurd and funny! like damn, i shouldve been abused as a child in a less absurd and funny way so people wouldnt mock me to my face about it. i guess i deserve it and its natural to be treated this way. until i met someoje who actually respected and gave a fuck about me and wouldnt make me feel that way i thoight it was normal and like i was fine with it too. i used to get bullied communally by my entire classroom for half of middle school and i thought those people were called friends too because id never been treated any better by anyone.
hgggghj i think its helped a bit to get it off my chest, maybe. man this sucks. i wish people would iust be nicer to eachother. life is so short, and some people cant even have the courtesy to not be tormented by people they call friends
im too lazy to put the vpn on to tweet so im gonna tumblr post; talk watch abt the amazing digital circus ep 3 (spoilers ofc) [Edit: i had more thoughts i guess il put it in the replies bc tumblr has those now? maybe itll be more accessible for my twitter generated yapping disorder)
finally some appreciation for my man and favourite character kingler like he goddamn DESERVES. i actually have not enjoyed tadc very much theres so much i rly dislike abt it but its like super well produced and indie so like you watch to be on the loop (i wish it was actually rendered closer to the quality of cd games from the 2000s that it seemed to be referencing but like, it looks how it looks and thats how it is), i rly disliked the script for the mpst part in the first 2 eps but ive loved kingler from day 1 so having an ep with mostly just him and pomni (i have mixed feelings on her too but w/e) was great great great and we had some lore n stuff but rly like i could smell a fellow traumatized man whos a bit wacky to cope from miles away and im glad to be proven Right
sorry im older man fucker so he rly hits all the boxes bc hes actually so sweet and helpful hes just mentally unstable (love him for that) and a lot of his endearing like caring nature comes thru in the physical aspect of the character and with less dialogue, rly the less dialogue the show has the better, idk who does the scripts and i dont wanna diss them but like oof i fucking hate it shkdh like its not like its never funny but its just, off, ive still not been able to properly explain to my wife the way that its off to me, and it bothers me to not be able to cohere those emotions! anyway
kingler so cute so very handsome and uwu so gentle and kind ššš i love how gentle he is and good to pomni (ofc ppl are gonna call it fatherly or god forbid grandfatherly when hes like 40, and now if you ship them ppl will say its incesty when theyre two grown adults but w/e) like idk i just love a kind mentally unwell man!!! im simple!!! him just overexposing at the near end in dialogue was rly awkward in the writing like man they just, the dialogue is so not good. but in theory his character is so good and the thing abt the darkness and such was sweet. like hes just always been so endearing and the ep just gives a lot of free real estate kingler screentime to drink with my eyeballs, it doesnt change my opinion on the character at all bc ive always loved him this much
the rest was ok just the typical fare for the most part, like tadc rly often makes me so dissatisfied bc it has so So much potential but the ways it kinda just ends up like a dumbed down typical cartoon is really meh. i do love caine though and more proof that hes a non malicious (although maybe harmfully ignorant) ai. his gags almost land for me if they werent really Really lampshaded, i love how much he cares but is incapable (yet) of improving, i thought it was sweet zooble was so earnest with him. like, the whole tadc def improves the less mean spirited it is, for me. which is hard bc the most favoured character is rancid mean disney purple guy.
gghh why is this show so agdidhsifirh (gestures of anger) like its like, much worse ENA or smth but i know theres more that bothers me abt it than that, and i cant grasp it. im stil in hell irl so i cant cohere a lot in general so w/e, i need to chill and let go. i did like the horror trophy head designs of everyone that i could see (i wanted to get a better look at kinglers but i couldnt find a good frame from watching on my phone) like they were super over the top and fun. i wish the settings they travelled to still felt like, even remotely circusy? they truly feel like just weāre in a different cartoon. but its ok i only hate 749374947493 things abt the shows style choices
i want a framed photo of kingler so i could kiss it. or maybe i could trt to makena plush of him. he is my beloved to hurt/comfort. hes wacky and nice and traumatized and has memory issues and i wuv him
wrong. i had to draw it immediately (and i did,i havent felt the urgency to draw something in years, it was good to revive the old artist bones) . its not my fault he DID THAT, LITERALLY DID THAT LIVE ON TWITCH DOT TV
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