I see the world passing me by through windows. I have always felt this way, even as a little girl. The human experience is far too fleeting. The pain of grasping only a moment that will never again be, it is enough to drown you.
But there is more to say, far more. Because this boy knew things that I did not. He saw things in ways I couldn’t. He taught me about the feet on the ground and the wonder of reality in its fullness. He made me love in ways I didn’t believe I could. And, as all the fleeting wonders of life behave, once we were done he was gone.
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As with most things, you move up and down. You may take five steps up and six down. Or you may take three steps up and one down. Sometimes you learn things up to ten steps and then end up fifteen steps down. With the boy, though, I never moved up or down. Instead I became more, as if my density was increasing with every breath, my glow becoming stronger, my skin more full, my brain more activated. I saw more to the space in front of me and the way it shifted. But not in the other dimensions and inhuman spaces as I have always sought out, no, instead this was in the very nature of the here and now. It was the harsh, vivid, crisp reality of the air and the sun and the cold cement slapping you in the face. What I learned was not something that can be unlearned because it is always there. But to say I could experience that again would be to the most likely degree quite untrue.
I write things now from further along the timeline though I am still here within this space, watching it unfold. I know the curves of tomorrow and of next week into the years and further though I have learned to pretend otherwise so that I might go about experiencing it as we are meant to.
The boy knows this, I believe he sees to. So you see, sometimes he is and sometimes he was. Sometimes we did and sometimes we are. But it makes no difference because It has Its proper place, its shining moment somewhere. And I was always more fascinated with that somewhere while he taught me about here. Somehow, he had learned to balance the seeing with reality and I wanted that.
It was easy when I was with him. I didn’t think about it, it just happened. I wasn’t somewhere else, I was there. I had to work to achieve a state I had always avoided. And as the days passed, I wanted to achieve that state more and more. The state of being, the state of living, of being truly and fully alive.
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