so i have written a litlle MATSULIGHT post about matsuda's thoughts and his appeal to light. English is not my native language that's why there can be mistakes because it was translated from another language.
Every fucking day i went to ivestigation headquarters and i was tormented by thoughts about him. "What if i come but he won't be there?" What if L made a prematurely decision to execute him?"
Every holy fucking day i thought about his executed body which will give to me and say: "He is that monster who killed a lot of people." But maybe they wasn't people but nevermind. I was afraid that I won't have enough time for admirating these sight of intellegent and pretty eyes which reflected light of monitor and information in this.
I was afraid that he will despice me for that I say to him about my unbearable and unhealthy love which hurted and exhausted me every day.
I remember every word was said to my person. I remember your every sream and every compliment about my tie. You told me about how good and pretty my new tie with cute smile though it will be shabby and buttered because I just didn't have strength to wash it. I perfectly knew that all of this compliments are just politeness, but how fucking nice it was.
Everytime it seems like you are right at all. Your conclusions were more humane than everyone's. I believed to you and follow you. I saw a nimb above your head. I truly considered that you gave me sense to continue my life.
I remember you were kid yet. You wondered me your too much adult conclusions about life and crimes. I wasn't tired to listen to you because i was glad about your every decision and theory. it seemed like i was listening a wise philosopher who got to know the life many years ago not a litlle ten years old boy.
Maybe because of this you seemed to me older than you were. On your background, my twenty years old seemed (or were) too stupid and naive like a litlle child. It always seemed that I'm worse than you that's why i tried to be like you. To get respect of task force through different ways, but I never thought that it will be like this.
I remember one day you said to me:
"Matsuda you need to destroy old one to create something new."
In that moment i didn't get a special sense of this lines because i was busy about another one nonsense (watched a stupid TV -program). But now, i'm getting what did you mean, but about this later.
When L died, i was noticing your rare smile on face though you looked so broken. I was sure that L's death was traumatic and turning point moment for you because you and L looked like good friend though so different person.
But i was wrong. I was wrong again and again making conclusion about you. I continued to love you and follow you, but i was wrong again and again.
You were agitated and furious when your dad has died. I wanted to cuddle up to you and say that everything will be fine. I was wondered how you could keep all of this problems in yourself besause you were so young for these.
I afraid that over the years you will lose your perfect brilliant smile which was key to everything and also my heart. I afraid that after deaths and troubles that was keeped you won't be the same person i knew.
And in this moment i was right. the light in your eyes was fading. Everyday i look at your eyes and there wasn't fire. There was nothing but empty. Terrible and oppressive emptt which didn't match to your face. These eyes was as same as your sight which was in the last time on your scared face.
I knew that there will be end for Kira but i don't thought that it will be like that.
I saw how you was cheating on Misa. I saw how you was liyng to Takada. I saw absolutely every lie of yours which you did for good but not our investigation but for yourself.
You assured that everything we have to do — for good. Of cource i believed to you because when these words were pronounced from your wonderful lips which i wanted to kiss make me trust to you forgetting about the unpleasant truth.
I remember that moment when i took the gun in hands. I didn't see obstacle or in other words my favorite Chief's son Light Yagami anymore. I didn't see his beatiful face with cute and kind smile which helped me in difficult moments. I didn't see that smart ten years old boy who talked about life like adult. The most painful was that i didn't see Light. I saw distorted with anger face of Kira who we despiced and live under the same roof all this time not my Light's face.
I want to tell that in that moment i conpletely didn't realized my actions with all my dignity. I remember i wanted only revenge because of Kira who took away my Light. He took away everything what i appreciate and every person who i loved.
I pointed the gun and pulled the trigger with trembling hands.
Mercilessly and shouting all the abuse that I wanted to say for a long time. It was hurt to see that monster in the light's body. I was sure that if i kill him light will feel better. I fired a a couple of times. No, I didn't felt any pity to Kira but this litlle boy who was locked in his mind.
I still remember how i found his body on stairs. It was mutilated by bullets which were shot exactly by me.
I don't know who will find this note but i want to say that exactly in that moment, I saw in bloodied man who lay on the stairs and look up at the open sky with empty eyes my boy my Light.
Reader, do you remember when i wrote about my fear that his body will bring to me and say: "Kira was caught. It was Light"
it was not for nothing that this was my fear.
Only thing i never thought and even introduced that this body will be brought to his mother's hands by me.
Reader, whoever it is know that my unhealthy love wasn't terrible like i have described her. I didn't love bad person. I didn't love maniac or person who killed all of this people. No, i loved that person, who was first victim of Kira, Light Yagami.
Time to say "goodbye" has came.
Today is my last day and i don't feel any tears or pity. I'm evem glad.
Maybe if i destroyed my old self new me will create something more important and useful.
I remember one rool from this death note, which have been living in my head all this years.
"Human who used death note will not go to heaven or hell."
I made the decision which i think one of the rightest which i can make for Yagami Family and Task force now.
I'll kill myself by the same gun. It will be romantic, won't it?
In the first time i will become useful because i will die. Die in the same day as Light. Because i'm following exactly him. Innocent boy who never picked death note up. Who never killed all of this people. I'm following him to say
[day 4 of @dnrarepairweek: deception | matsusayu, matsulight]
“You kissed Sayu Yagami.”
“Yes.”
“On her brother’s bed.”
“Yes.”
“After he died.”
“Yes, alright, I know how it sounds!” Matsuda collapses back onto the sofa, arms thrown in the air. “Honestly, Ide, I thought you’d be happy for me!”
“Look, I know you tell me I don’t understand romance all the time—”
“Because it’s true—”
“—but I seriously don’t think that’s how you do it.”
“Yeah, well, watch and learn,” Matsuda says, lifting his shoulders in a half-shrug. “I’m an expert on this kind of thing, if I do say so myself.”
“By ‘this kind of thing,’” Hideki clarifies, “you mean ‘lying to a grieving woman that you knew her brother better than she did.’”
Matsuda flinches at that, curling in on himself. (An unpleasant little frisson of schadenfreude crawls down Hideki’s spine.) “You make it sound so awful. What did you want me to tell her? That Light was… her brother was—” He breaks off. “You know what that did to Misa.”
Hideki is quiet. He does know.
“Sayu deserves better than that,” Matsuda says, drawing himself upright again. His voice is steely. “She’s been through enough already. I promised her father I’d look after her. She deserves a better world than this one.”
Sometimes it scares Hideki when Matsuda gets like this. Sure, he’d always known Matsuda’s ethics aren’t exactly orthodox, but at least Matsuda had the common sense to act ashamed about it, back then. Well, no, he’s giving Matsuda too little credit; the shame wasn’t an act. But the man sitting in front of him now, eyes blazing with grim righteousness —
Hideki recognizes that expression. Its rightful owner had wanted to kill them all.
He breathes in, then out.
“I didn’t even know you liked her.”
“You mean Sayu?” Instantly the look on Matsuda’s face melts into the boyish awkwardness Hideki knows so well; he could almost pretend it was always there. “Oh, well… yeah, I like her. She’s pretty.”
“That’s your type, pretty girls?”
“Isn’t it everyone’s?”
Not mine. “You’re avoiding the question.”
“You’re really good at interrogations, Ide. Have you ever considered being a detective?”
“Matsuda.”
An explosive sigh: “Yes! Yes it is! Happy now?”
“Sure.”
“Anyway,” Matsuda says. “I didn’t mean to kiss her. It just sort of… happened.”
“How do you just sort of happen to kiss someone?”
“Ah, you wouldn’t understand,” Matsuda dismisses. “It’s about the… the way the moment feels, you know?”
Hideki relaxes. Matsuda’s conviction in his naivety on romance is, at least, familiar territory. “The moment after you told her how her brother died. Well, Matsuda,” this is just occurring to him, “what did you tell her?”
“…That he was the one to catch Kira.”
“L wouldn’t be too happy about that.”
“Oh who cares what Near thinks.”
“Is that all?” Hideki asks.
“No. I told her that… we got him to a hospital, after he took down the real Kira, but it was too late. All they could do for him was put him on painkillers.” His voice is turning dream-soft, a storyteller’s. “But he didn’t cry, even though the rest of us did — even you, Ide. He was so strong.”
“Matsuda…”
“I told her that it was painless.” Matsuda averts his eyes. “His last words were… asking me to tell his sister he loved her. He died in my arms.”
“I thought you said this was happening in a hospital?”
Matsuda folds his arms over his chest. That’s a familiar gesture, too. “Yeah, well, he — he asked me to hold him. That’s normal.”
“You wanted him to.”
“Don’t.”
Hideki swallows, and doesn’t apologize.
“That’s all I said. And then Sayu kissed me.”
“Just like that?”
“What else would there be?”
“…You don’t seem too happy about it.”
“Obviously I’m happy about it. C’mon, Ide, why wouldn’t I be?”
Because you wish it were the other sibling.
It’s so obvious that Hideki wonders, for a second, if Sayu already knows.
“Please be happy for me,” Matsuda continues into the silence. He attempts a smile. It’s limp. “We’re friends, yeah? You’re the one telling me to get over everything. Shouldn’t you be happy?”
i am 3/4 through those who fall for nothing fall for anything by halfpromise and i think im going to die soon and loose my vision and scream and become crazy and become toxic and insane and crazy and be crazy and pass out and freak out and scream. that being said you should def read it!!!!
we need you light yagami. but just look at him he looks like real good person for god og the new world. he has a gold earrings and red roses from ruby GUYS
i think he had a castle or something like that which looks like paradise. there was many servants who care about his healthy, beauty, his FEET okay?? and everyone pry to him every morning and every night, just imagine
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