Yuki's Evolution of Feelings toward Kaname [PT4]
Vampire Knight, Ch 66 - 93.
"But I can't tell if you truly love me or not."
Kaname asks for Yuki's honest feelings outright and here Yuki delivers. She has come to terms with who Kaname is to her. He is her ancestor, her brother, and her upperclassman. He is everything, all at once.
Yuki admits here that she knows Kaname is a liar, that he even has wickedness in him and the things he is capable of doing, that he always keeps so much hidden from her. And, most of all, she is conflicted over his true feelings for her. Does he truly love her? She questions it. Has questioned it multiple times. She is conflicted and tells herself that she knows he does. Maybe it's him who is conflicted. Something is holding him back from fully loving her in return.
"I want to start over again with you as if it were the very beginning."
In the end Yuki tells Kaname that what she truly wants is to start over. A new beginning. She wants the opportunity to establish who and what they would become now, from a fresh start.
"Please... don't go out today."
But there is something dark in Kaname's reply to her, something that Yuki senses. It makes her apprehensive and she begs him to please stay home with her. Spend time with her. Don't go. And when Kaname leaves anyway, she decides to chase after him.
"My head is full of white noise."
After Yuki witnesses Kaname kill Aido's father, she is in shock. She can't bear the weight of what she'd just seen and she can't wrap her head around why Kaname would ever do such a thing. Not only that, she'd just opened up to him about wanting to start fresh. She wanted them to get to know each other and strengthen their relationship. She wanted to engrave herself into Kaname. She is so distraught and desperate that her powers manifest butterfly wings for her to pursue him.
"If it really is you [Kaname], just stop!"
However, Yuki soon learns from Headmaster Kaien that the treaty between the Hunter's Guild and the vampires will soon fall into chaos after what Kaname has done and his sudden disappearance. Yuki must step up as the new leader to set things right or otherwise many lives will be in jeopardy. She accepts the responsibility. But then she breaks down when hearing news that Kaname may have been the one to kill the pureblood Ouri at the soiree. She desperately wants time to stop or for Kaname to stop because she's so overwhelmed with grief.
"He isn't wholly tainted..."
Yuki is seen struggling with her faith in Kaname during this time. We see her overwhelmed, begging Kaname to stop. Then we see her saying she trusts Kaname and is suspicious of Sara. Here, we get a deeper look into Yuki's struggles. She desperately wants to have faith and trust in Kaname. She wants to believe there has to be some explanation for what he is doing. When learning that Sara was the one who attacked Hanadagi in his coffin, it gives her hope. She was starting to question if Kaname was fully tainted—if he had gone too far—and here she clings onto hope that things can be salvaged.
"If I get to the heart of the matter, I'm sure I'll find that Kaname is doing this for me."
Until Yuki learns what Kaname did to Zero and his family. She breaks down and takes the blame entirely. She believes that at the heart of it all, Kaname is doing all of this for her. She is the reason all of this is happening.
"Then pierce my heart with your sword like you promised back then."
Yuki goes after Kaname and for the very first time—she seeks death. She wants Kaname to kill her. She knows she can't kill Kaname, that she doesn't have the heart for it. So she wants the alternative. She wants to die by his hands.
"My beloved's fingers may never slide through my hair again."
But Kaname won't kill her. He disappears and Yuki must give chase. Then, in front of him, she cuts her hair and tells him that her burden is gone and she will fight alongside Zero to capture him.
"You must impale my heart if you want to kill me!"
However, we very clearly see that Yuki still wants death. Ultimately, she is seeking for Kaname to kill her. She can't live with herself and what's happened. And she understands, deep down, that she will never be able to give her bond with Kaname up.
"The only way I can stop Kaname... is to turn him into a human."
After Yuki learns more of the reasoning behind Kaname's actions and most of the hunter weapons are destroyed, she comes to the conclusion that the only way she can stop Kaname is to make him human. She can't kill Kaname and she's come to the conclusion that she can no longer end her own life—unless it is to put a stop to Kaname's plan.
"When I woke up eleven years ago on that snowy mountain... that's when your lies began."
Yuki finally reunites with Kaname and learns that he never actually killed Aido's father. Instead, he'd used that farce as a means to drive Yuki away from him so he could move forward with his plans.
Yuki explains here what she wished he would have done. She wishes that he would have just taken Zero's memories from her so they could live happily together for eternity. But Kaname tells her he came to realize that his love couldn't truly make her happy.
"You want to expression your love. I'll teach you, Yuki… if you will have me."
Kaname regrets not turning Yuki back into a human so she could live the rest of her life out peacefully with Zero. And now he is going to give his life to the furnace. Meanwhile, Yuki wants to sacrifice her life to give Kaname a life as a human. The two sleep together to show their love because they both feel it is the end.
"Do you want the humans to lose the only weapon they'll have to fight vampires?"
Would she really be okay with that? Kaname asks Yuki. And the answer is yes. While Yuki never directly confirms this—her actions do. What is most important to her is turning Kaname human and allowing him to live out the rest of his life in peace. If the next generation of vampire-fighting weapons becomes forfeit over that: so be it. Yuki likely assumes there is good in the vampires and the Hunters & Vampires will be able to find a way to co-exist peacefully without the need for the weapons.
"If I hadn't been born, if I hadn't existed... everything would have turned out differently for you!"
After Yuki fails to sacrifice herself and turn Kaname human, and he throws his heart into the furnace, she breaks down. Here we see that she blames herself entirely and wishes she had never been born. If she hadn't been born, then she believes Kaname wouldn't have come to this end.
"No… I can't imagine a world in which I'll never hear your voice."
Even after Kaname reassures Yuki that he didn't live an unhappy life—because of her—Yuki can't imagine having to live the rest of her pureblood eternity without him. Never being able to hear his voice again. She is completely shattered.
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