personal sentimental stuff
It's really funny how in a month we went from "oh I like this guy but he said he's gay, what a bummer, oh well I will be respectful" to "I think I caused a sexuality crisis in him" fhdjkghdskjghjk
Good thing we're not "officially" together because this dude, while blunt when he wants to, is the cagiest mf I've ever met. More than me. Which is an olympic feat. I have to squeeze all of my non-existant people skills to read him because he sure af ain't talking to me.
But the signs point to him liking me way more than what he promised me. He said that women were an exception to him, a "treat" of sort (which ngl kinda hurt in the choice of word), and I shouldn't expect much of him. And yet. He was the one who hugged me first on a bench. After I kissed him first, he can't stop kissing me now. After I had the courage to hold his hand (and he pointed out that I turned beet red .////.), he now holds it first. I can see genuine fondness in his eyes when he looks at me. For someone who kept bragging about having so much sex he's lowkey tired of it (and with men, ofc! Can't forget that he's a self-identified faggot :P), he seeks me almost every day - and sure we make out and all, and he swears that he's more aroused by me than usual, so it's easy to assume he just wants to hook up with me as well... but I feel that what he wants from me the most is those moments where he lays his head on my chest and lets himself be held.
(which, btw, I'm not really used to. My ex was a pure straight man and raised as one, which meant he was the "holder" and more rigid in gender roles. This guy is pretty much a pillow princess lmao. I don't mind. I like holding too :) )
Today he jokingly asked me if I'm jealous. Honestly, maybe until a while ago I would have been, although my biggest flaw is envy, not jealousy. Still. I genuinely don't mind that he's still looking to hook up with men. If that's what he wants, more power to him. But it's not to those men that he asks almost every day to hang out, or to go to the beach :)
I don't know. I wouldn't say we are together. It doesn't feel the same as it was with my ex, who was much more serious about how a boyfriend and girlfriend "should" act. But I feel good, and I like him, and I am in no rush, and he's cute even when he's being the cagiest mf on earth lmao, and sometimes it's nice to allow yourself to live.
