MIXED FEELINGS

Fictional Stories based in Reality

[kasiacreativewriting]

Pin on anime aesthetic

Feb 8, 2020 - Become a supporter of Xchala today! ❤️ Ko-fi lets you support the creators you love with no fees on donations.

[kasiacreativewriting]

Not my artwork but found it fitting.

Black Magic Woman by Dave Gafford

Black Magic Woman Painting by Dave Gafford

[kasiacreativewriting]

Novelicious on Twitter | Gothic fantasy art, Art, Dark fantasy art

Dec 16, 2018 - “#Excellence isn't doing extraordinary things, by doing ordinary things extraordinarily well Angelique Didi #writing”

[kasiacreativewriting]

Back and forth and back and forth

Knowing when to walk away has never been my strength. I adapt, blame myself, and when I do that, I tend to let the little things go. But then before you know it, the little things turn into big things and then, BOOM... you have some asshole yelling at you about not folding the towels right.

In my life I have had a few different relationships, some good and some bad.

I am currently stuck in the middle of this sticky situation that I do not know what to do about. The real kicker... it's been almost 10 months of talking every day and we have never met in person or through FaceTime. This fact has made me quite embarrassed to be honest and I have lied to most of my family saying that we have indeed met... I am actually a horrible liar and I never lie. I feel really horrible about lying to my family but I guess I just wanted them to take me seriously. He keeps saying he is coming to see me but has yet to get here. He blames it on us arguing even though the root of our arguments are based on the fact that he doesn't come here... so that gets a bit confusing....

Things were great at first, but now it feels like one fight after the other. He has a colourful past... i.e. used to be in a gang ... and an even more colourful present i.e. is a black magician who has people hire him for thousands of dollars to do things like love spells and curses and money spells.... this could seem like a load of bullshit to you, but I've seen the messages and he's ever done a few things for me ... it’s real.

Anyway, I struggle now because we have become so close from talking everyday but it's like, he just won't let stuff go. He hears that I had a boyfriend 15 years ago who was unfaithful to me and who I fought with and he'll bring that up now to throw in my face. I recently had some (fake) account on Facebook sexually harass me, show me photos of their private parts, and I get in trouble for it because I didn't know what was happening before it was too late (yes, you hear that right, I got in trouble for being sexually harassed). I should have blocked him sooner but the guy was wanting to do business before I found out that it was a fake account... I cried a lot after that. Bit of a nightmare really.

I used to have a guy friend on my stream, who, unbeknownst to me was falling for me ... and would send gifts ... and months and months later, the person I am in this long distance thing with is still throwing that in my face ... even after I abruptly ended that relationship because it made that person uncomfortable... And you know what, losing that friendship did suck. It really sucks when someone wants more than you are willing and/or able to give them. It really sucks when a friendship needs to end because of that. But it did and I chose the guy in the long distance thing over everyone else... and yet I am still not doing anything right.

As I was doing a tapping exercise today, I was going through all the things that hurt me that he does on a constant basis. Like accuse me of talking to other guys (I most definitely am not) or accuse me of not caring about him (I most certainly do). And it really started to hit me, you don't really treat people you care about like that. To be constantly accused of something that you are not doing gets very waring after a while.

So what is the resolve? It's not like it's bad all the time - but there have been so many times that his own past (his mom cheated on his dad multiple times when he was younger and he saw it all) has really damaged him. And I feel like I'm left here to try to help him through it ... but when you're helping someone who is constantly attacking you ... you kind of don't want to keep helping them anymore because you are getting destroyed in the process.

He’s not a bad guy. I’m just in a tough spot.

Note; this is a fictional story passed down from a friend of a friend.

[kasiacreativewriting]

[kasiacreativewriting]

[kasiacreativewriting]

Am I doing something wrong ...

In my opinion, we have seen more division in the world now than we have for the nearly three decades combined that I have been on this planet. Since the beginning of the pandemic, it has felt like one thing after the other. And honestly, good! It's about time. The pandemic really shook things up. There were some very obvious not good things but some good came as well. In life, nothing ever goes away until it teaches you what you need to know. Perhaps, this was the lesson we all needed to learn. One of humility, reverence, acceptance ... and that no one is better than anyone else. No matter your Instagram following, how many movies you were in, the dollar amount in your bank account, the position you held at work, or the car you drive. In a strange way, it levelled the playing field.

In a split second, people went from worrying about who was posting what, how good their tickets were to a concert, and that job promotion ... to worrying about the safety of their family and loved ones. In a way it brought us back to the basics... and unfortunately, even hoarding the basics needed for survival like TP and water.

So why this post you ask? My question is where do you draw the line.

There have been countless amounts of posts that have given me more than mixed feelings. In 2020, my clothing company sold over 20 thousand face masks. Wow, right? My assistants and I were nowhere near prepared and as a result we hardly slept. I quite honestly hardly had the time to digest what was really happening… I was more focused on getting one order out after the next. No sooner had I sent out 100 masks to one of my retail stores were they ordering 100 more.

“I will take a million black masks,” one of my stores joked.

Wow, I thought. I wanted to be busy… be careful what you wish for.

So back to the mixed feelings … My assistants and I have been lucky not to have been attacked by the rising number of anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers for selling face masks. My first encounter with the negativity that was looming came when I spoke briefly to a childhood friend who had a store in my home town,

“I prefer to not be controlled by the government and spread fear! I will spread positive energy into the world instead. If you have anything else I could carry in my store let me know”

Ok, so it wasn’t a totally horrible message but it still caught me off guard. Was my selling face masks spreading fear? I hadn’t thought about it like that. I just saw a need so I went about trying to offer the best option; something affordable, eco-friendly, and something soft and enjoyable to wear. This is when the mixed feelings started along with the protests.

Outside my apartment downtown it seemed like there was one protest after another… and good … we should exercise our freedom of speech. But where do you draw the line between ones freedom of speech and what that freedom is doing to another’s mental health…

Then the posts and feedback on social media came. One after the other. Anti-maskers attacked my customers and all those wearing masks. Some once friends turned enemies … so it makes me wonder. When do you speak up against the negative comments on your social? When do you reply back to a comment and when do you delete them? I have had administrators kick out anti-maskers attacking me from Facebook buy and sell groups … In the midst of all this chaos, I have learned to focus on the positive and remind myself that people are scared. Scared of being sick, losing their jobs and income, and overall, scared of no longer having control of their own lives. I am still working out my mixed feelings and learning to approach all areas of the byproducts of this pandemic through a lens of love.

[kasiacreativewriting]

[kasiacreativewriting]

[kasiacreativewriting]

Streaming gone wrong. Mixed Feelings.

I am a streamer, and hey, I “meet” a lot of different types of people. I think some people were surprised that I made a special point to respond to everyone. I just tried to treat everyone like I wanted to be treated. I didn’t mean for things to get carried away. I never anticipated that.

When the gifts started is when I started to reconsider it all. They started small. Roses to my condo. Toys for my three-year-old. Once even a vibrator (yikes, I know). Then the gifts got bigger. Boxes of rare wine. A necklace from Tiffany’s. And then the diamonds came. I knew at this point it was too much. I didn’t even take the jewellery out of the box.

And then one day ...

“I saw you and your son out today,” the ‘noname’ profile blinked on my streaming app.

“Oh really? Are you sure it was me?” I tried to laugh it off, with 1000 people watching ever facial movement I made.

“Yea, you were wearing a black coat and yellow hat”

“Oh! Haha. Small world”.

As if this was concerning enough to stop streaming, it was around this time that people started to show up at my house.

He was waiting outside me for one afternoon. I recognized him from his profile picture. He looked a lot bigger in real life.

“KASI! I’ve been waiting for you!”

My initial reaction was that I jumped back... I tried to not look scared. It was the middle of the day and I live in a busy location with a bunch of people. I knew I would be fine and didn’t want to show any fear.

“Oh wow... Fid... what are you doing here?...”

“Well, Kasi, I was in the area. I recognized your building from your stream.”

“Oh okay. What are you up to?” I smiled as I took a step back.

He took a sudden step toward me that made me jump a little. I swallowed a large gulp of saliva while trying to maintain my game face.

“Oh well, KASI, I just, I just, I wanted to see if you got the toy I sent you?”

I was starting to really get creeped out.

“The, uhm, toy?”

“Yes, Kasi. The toy... it was purple. I got it for you.”

“Oh, you mean the vibrator..” my stomach dropped.

“Yes, Kasi.”

There was something about the way he licked his lips and continued moving closer to me that made me really uncomfortable.

“Fid, I really appreciate it all. I just think you should know, I am in a relationship. I am so sorry but I don’t think this is appropriate.” My heart was really racing now.

His face went from carrying a hopeful smile, to sadness, to a look that I have never seen on someone before.

“Alright Kasi. I will remember this,” he said as he dropped a single rose that he must have been carrying in his back pocket.

“I am truly sorry, Fid. You will meet your person. I am happy that we are friends!”

I was really trying to not turn mixed feelings into hurt feelings....

He turned around and smiled. Just as I was feeling a wave of relief for handling that well, he spit on me.

“Thanks for nothing. I told my mom about you!”

I quickly turned and jolted into my building.

I blocked him on my stream and took a bit of a break after that.

Lesson learned.