A year ago tonight I was so unsure. Of everything really. I remember crying all the way home. I missed my exit. I forgot where I was going. Or maybe I just didn’t care where I was going. I remember crawling into the shower and turning the water as hot as it would go, then as cold as ice. Trying to feel something more painful than the stabbing aches pulsing through my heart and back and all over my entire body. I sat on the shower floor and cried for what must have been hours. Holding myself as tight as I could. I cried until there was nothing left, until I was completely empty, numb. I think because I knew it was real this time.
I had never felt pain like this before. I thought I was so strong. I was wrong. I just had never been this broken. I think I dozed off, but I stayed there until the water shut off. My dad carried me into my bed, not saying a word, he kissed me on the forehead. I remember feeling like the world was ending. Like there was absolutely nothing that could make the pain stop, no way to turn my light back on. I thought hard and seriously about ending my life, about starting over. For days I thought about what it would mean, if it would give me a clean slate, a chance to do things differently. I thought about who would miss me, if anyone would cry, or would I just be punished for being so selfish…
That’s the thing about pain, it really does demand to be felt. You can’t push it aside, try to hide it. Trust me you can try, but the universe has a way of not letting you forget, of making you face your demons. It keeps those memories flooding through your head, you try with all your might to block them out and just when you think you don’t hurt anymore - you will. Because when you don’t grieve, and process your suffering it keeps coming back to haunt you, like a nightmare you can’t get rid of and pretty soon your too afraid to even fall asleep. I tried to hide it, behind fake smiles and some stupid reckless lifestyle. I ran away and everyone thought I was fine, or at least I think they did, but inside I was dying. And it showed. In every aspect of who I became.
I know this is deep, and dark, and far too morbid to even leave my notebook, but the whole point is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how long, dark, or twisted it may seem, eventually you will come out.
You will come out screaming and laughing, high on life and happier than ever before. For the first time in forever, I am in love with me, and I am in love with my life. I wake up most days with a smile on my face and blessings to count. Ready to take on the world.
So if you feel like giving up, I’m telling you to fight a little longer, push a little harder, and to truly feel everything. Feel it with all your heart and soul. Trust that maybe not today, but soon, you will be okay. And know that what’s meant for you will always find a way to stay.
pixelskylines
izzy806
dededos
snowghoul
theartofmadeline
titsay
