fresh poison

katherine elizabeth bier, seventeen. she's the giggle at a funeral, knows everybody's disapproval.

[thomasbier-blog]

Funny, funny stuff, Kat. I just thought - well, it didn’t really clicked that he died, too. I just thought he lived. He’s good, I think - he’s still smoking, which I was told explicitly we weren’t meant to do in our condition…It’s just the same old him. Not really, I was just going to go back to the graveyard and assume I’d find him there? I don’t really know how to handle this situation.

[katherinebier]

Does smoking make much of a difference if you’re already dead, anyway? You can’t just meet with him in a graveyard, Thomas. That’s grim, even for the undead. Find him somewhere else before then — is there some way you can contact him? It’s so strange seeing you all happy, and sappy. I love it. I was getting so used to our collective misery thanks to mum and dad being home.

[thomasbier-blog]

I like animals, they just don’t seem to like me. Just like our parents, ‘cept I don’t like them. I don’t know - everything just seemed normal, we didn’t really talk about being dead or anything. He was there - and I was there. He’s still absolutely him - he’s still stubborn but kind. He still has his hair parted in the same way, and he was wearing those boots he always does.

[katherinebier]

Because you smell. Kidding. Of course he’s still him! I mean, you haven’t changed, I doubt he would. How is he? I haven’t really seen Ivan around since things were, well, normal. Have you made plans to see him again? It’s good to know that being dead hasn’t driven you two apart, or anything.

[thomasbier-blog]

Hey, I bought him for you. Stop trying to turn him against me. Yes - he’s the undead. I saw him - he looks exactly the same except for a massive gash on his head…and I talked to him - he was at the graveyard - it’s him, Kat.

[katherinebier]

Alright, alright. At least you like animals — I’m pretty sure mum and dad would get rid of him if they could. Well, where do you guys stand now? I can’t imagine everything just goes back to normal after both of you died. 

[thomasbier-blog]

Not yet, and are you serious? That’s impossible.Anyway, so - Ivan’s back. He’s back like I’m back - but he’s back.

[katherinebier]

Then my training hasn’t been working. True. Wait, what — like you’re back? Have you seen him, or spoken to him?

[thomasbier-blog]

Kat, Kat, Kat - guess what?

[katherinebier]

What? Did the puppy take a shit in your room? Did said something nice to you?

[thomasbier-blog]

What do you mean Keeping Up With The Kardashians isn’t real? It’s scripted? What? I have the best sense of humour, what are you talking about? I’m the funniest guy I know. You bothered making him a card? I just bought one and wrote ‘from Thomas’ in it. I don’t recall that. Yeah, you were good at tennis, but I was the best at softball, and tennis, and golf, and boxing, but yeah, you can have bowling. True, they care enough to tell you ‘Happy Birthday’. Nice comeback, dorky dork dork. Good, we can get a tress and use those decorations. What the hell are you saying? How dare you diss the Buble? 

[katherinebier]

Shut up, of course you know it’s fake reality. No — stop — you’re so unfunny it actually hurts my entire soul. No one in this family does humour well, except maybe me. But I’m the comedic genius exception. Of course! I was a naive, artistically inclined child. I could never turn down the chance to make a card. Even if it was just gonna get thrown out. Yeah, we get it, you’re an overachiever. Excellent! I’m going to get embarrassingly excited, soon. Look, Buble is fine, but Bieber is better. His Christmas songs are a work of art, Tom.

[thomasbier-blog]

I’m just going for reality, here. Seeming as it is reality TV…Geddit? He’s such a lovely parent, he’s always been there for us, through the thick and through the thin. Yeah, Wii Sports was incredible, how many times did I beat you in tennis again? Was it every single time? I have no clue, I think I got more love from randoms on facebook than from either of them. Nope, you shut up, dork. Of course, we can go tomorrow and find the tallest one. Do we need to get decorations as well? Oh please, it isn’t even Christmas yet. Michael Buble is the man. 

[katherinebier]

Psh — as if reality TV is real anyways. Most of it is scripted, y’know. You have the worst sense of humour, Tom. I swear. A model parent, seriously. The Father’s Day cards I made at school were all truthful. Shut up, I won once or twice. Besides, I was good at the bowling. So ha. Well, at least randoms on Facebook get reminders as to when your birthday is. Helps, I guess. I’m not the dork, you’re the dork... dork. Yay! Um, I think we have some decorations in the storage cupboard, so we’re covered there. It’s almost Christmas, and Michael Bublé is overrated. Justin Bieber’s Christmas album is where its at. 

[thomasbier-blog]

Okay, you’ve got me there. But if you’re Kendall doesn’t that mean I’m only your half-brother? Well, I am sorry about that, but I’m back now. Exactly the same. He’s not only a joy to be around at Christmas, but all year long. He’s just the happiest person I’ve ever met. I mean, Wii’s are pretty cool, don’t get me wrong, but maybe a proper birthday would have been good. Shut up, nerd. Tomorrow, we’ll go out and get one. I mean, I may need to keep my face hidden the entire time, but we’ll go out and get one. Please, you love it, but you’re lucky I don’t know the rest of the words.

[katherinebier]

It’s a loose Kardashian recasting here. So I think we can make an exception in the half-siblings department. Not your fault, glad you’re here, though. I know! And it’s been such a blast having him as my parent for seventeen years. Oh, the Wii was great. But you’re right. What’s a proper birthday even like, anyways? I’m sure it’s heartwarming, or some crap. No, you shut up. Really? I’m so excited! God, I sound like a little kid. That’s okay, it’d just be nice to spend some time with you. I guess some proper catching up is due after 2 years. Damn straight I’m lucky, I don’t want anymore singing from you.

[thomasbier-blog]

Kim? Me? And what makes you say that? Fine, you can be Kendall, suit yourself. Hey, I am always supportive. Always. Oh, I’m sure he’s secretly the jolly red man who spreads joy and love across the world. He’s a bundle of fun, honestly. Love our father, love him so much. Of course, you know because why use words, when you can just buy stuff…I’m not a nerd, you’re a nerd, nerd. I’ll help you decorate a tree…we can go get a real one? I’m the best singer, what are you talking about? Make my wish come true, oooooooohhhhhhh, all I want for Christmas is yoooooooou. 

[katherinebier]

Well, you were the one going on about your ass. Besides, I think you and Kanye West would make a decent couple. Yeah, but you’ve also been gone for two years. So I’m adjusting to an actual supportive family member. Absolutely! I think his Christmas spirit just shines through. Exactly! Why would they need to say sorry for missing birthdays when they can just... get us a Wii. Ooh, good comeback, Tom. You really got me there, nerd. A real tree? Oh my God, yes please! Please, no. My ears are bleeding, Thomas. They’re bleeding. 

[thomasbier-blog]

Which Kardashian sister would I be, then? Kendall? Because I’m obviously the most attractive. Well, it doesn’t matter what Mum and Dad say, if you want to be an artist, you should be an artist. He would love that, he just loves cheery christmas carols, he just loves celebrating things and being happy and cheery. That’s what matters. I was the first kid to have an iPod in my class, I think what I actually wanted was some book about biology. Oh yeah, no family tree decorating, I think our house was always the one without christmas lights up in the front garden. I don’t want that much for Christmas, there is just one thing I need…I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree…

[katherinebier]

You can be Kim. I want to be Kendall, I think. Wow — is that what support feels like? God, I’m definitely going to enjoy getting used to it. I know! The man is practically Santa himself, all jolly and festive. If anything, he’s the most high-spirited one in this family. Obviously, I mean Zookeeper Barbie was the best. I guess that’s Mum and Dad telling us that they love us. iPods and Barbies. What a great way of showing it. Of course you wanted a book about biology, you nerd. I’m not asking for lights this year, I think that’s a bit of a push. I just want a tree. No — oh my god, stop. You’re the worst singer, please stop. This is the worst, Thomas!

[thomasbier-blog]

Okay, maybe if we alter the title slightly, like….’Believe the Bier’s Dysfunction’? Maybe, I can be our version of Kylie, hated by all, but still somehow adored. Why thank you for supporting my life choices, clearly got me to where I am. You should try and get into a gallery or something, so the entire world can see how talented my little sister is. Did we ever celebrate Christmas though? All I remember was getting the newest of some technology that I didn’t even ask for and then eating mum’s terrible cooking. But this year, we’ll make it good. I might even sing a couple of carols. 

[katherinebier]

Sure, I could live with that. No, don’t be Kylie! You’re not shady enough to be her, anyways. Still, it would be kind of funny if you were. Of course, what kind of sister would I be if I didn’t support your choices? Don’t get my hopes up, as much as I’d love that, Mum and Dad wouldn’t be able to live with themselves if I wanted to be an artist. You’re very kind, though. Not really, I always persuaded Dad to let my play carols, though. True. I got a Zookeeper Barbie before anyone else in my class, but no actual Christmas tree decorating. Oh God, please don’t sing. Tom, you have a terrible voice.

[thomasbier-blog]

Oh, they’d love that, ‘Keeping up the Bier’s?’ Is that a good title? But I suppose that now that I’m the living dead the public won’t be so into it, anymore. Yeah, not the biggest fan of dark enclosed spaces. The spare room will be fine, plus I get to see your art all the time that way. I might do that, would like a different jumper rather than the one the hospital gave me. They probably did, knowing them. Nah, don’t worry yourself little sis.

[katherinebier]

We might get sued by the Kardashian’s, but why not risk it, right? If you’re so ‘taboo’ I think the public would just want to watch it more. Can’t say I blame you, really. You’re welcome, not everyone in this town gets to feast their eyes upon my talents. That seems best. Whilst you’re reclaiming your stuff, I might get the Christmas tree out. We haven’t really celebrated since you, well, died. Hopefully Christmas will make everything seem less grim. Alright, if you say so.

[thomasbier-blog]

And, we, sis, are absolutely full of character. Exactly, and when you miss dinners for parties with your friends who actually like you suddenly you’re the bad guy in that situation. Or those times I came home wasted while they were hosting a function. Nobody has a clue, I don’t think we were expecting a rising of the undead. Should of guessed that, it’ll be nice. You didn’t go through my stuff, right? Well, you I mind less, but did mum and dad do that? 

[katherinebier]

There should be a reality TV show about us. Quite frankly, I’m surprised there isn’t one already. Oh, of course. We’re always the bad guys in this family. Yeah, that really pisses them off. Fair enough, so I guess the same laws apply to you. Maybe. Yeah, better than the basement I suppose. No, just put it into boxes. You can go downstairs and go through it if you want. I’m not sure if Mum and Dad went through it all. I mean, I wouldn’t put it past them. Why — is there something I should know?

[thomasbier-blog]

Exactly, we’re set up for life, thanks to them. I think I have more emotional scarring from them rather than from rising out of the grave. True, but don’t you just love them trying to convince you they’re in the right? Some of their excuses are hilarious. Oh you bet, I came back haunt them. Can they even leave things to me anymore? I’m technically dead. Shhhhh, you’re still lying. Just accept the truth, I am physically flawless. Of course I want to see it, show it to me, sis?

[katherinebier]

I guess we’re just internally indebted to them. Like, I’m sure all of this emotional turmoil builds character, right? Oh — and when they ground you for missing a public function. Totally justified. Their excuses are great until you try and turn it against them — then it’s ‘bullshit’. And what better reason could there be. Legally? Who knows. I never lie, I’m as honest as I am genetically blessed. Okay, c’mon. You’ll probably be staying in here, your old room got cleaned out after... everything that happened. Everything’s in the basement, though. I wouldn’t let them throw it away.

[thomasbier-blog]

They didn’t come to anything, sis. I don’t think they even came to any of our birthday parties when they were meant to be supervising the underage children on the play equipment. They’re terrible, terrible people. Oh, I don’t know if that’s better or worse. Of course they are, they’re our parents. You so are, you should have seen dad’s face when he came to pick me up - total contempt. You’re just making stuff up now, Kat, my butt is incredible. You should trust my judgement, it’s amazing and always right. Sounds lovely.

[katherinebier]

At least now we probably have the lowest expectations in the world when it comes to adult figures. Guess we can’t say Mum and Dad never taught us anything. I just wish they weren’t so awful. I think it’s worse. I’d rather they just be conservative than try to manipulate us. Wow, being undead really lost you some brownie points, Thomas. At this rate I’ll be the only one left in the will. I’m not making anything up! Your ego is larger than your butt. Sure, sure. It is. The picture’s hanging in the spare room if you ever want to see it. 

[thomasbier-blog]

That has been clear since we were ten, Kat. They’re not getting rid of me, just keeping me out of sight of their friends. Have they gotten even more conservative over the past couple of years? Hey, they still need one prize child, and you’re not the one who has been declared dead recently. You are lying, sis, my ass is round and amazing. Everybody loves my gluteus maximus. Yes, had to follow the family trend. I knew enough, he was an asshole. Me, and the person who gave you the award, obviously. What did you paint, anyway? 

[katherinebier]

True, I don’t think they actually came to a single one of our school concerts. Believe me, I’ll be moving out as soon as possible. Their friends are all assholes, anyways. I think so. Maybe not conservative, just more... selfish. Like they’re doing everything they can to make sure they’re okay. Oh, I’m definitely not the prized child. I don’t even think I’m their favourite daughter at the moment. And they only have one daughter. You’re the only one who loves your butt, Tom. Fair enough, maybe I should trust your judgment more. I painted our holiday house. The one on the beach.

[thomasbier-blog]

I bet you they will, they wanted to before I died - now they have a reason, they’ll be thrilled I won’t be ‘ruining’ any dinner parties with their pompous friends. To them, I’m not human, am I? What’s the term? Rabid? Rotter? Yeah, but I’ve got a great body, this ass is amazing, sis. You can have second servings of mum’s dinner, now. Should have guessed, is it ginger? Does it have a fish friend? Oh, good. He was a complete twit. You can do better, sis. Though, you know I came back to monitor your dating. I always had faith, lil sis. 

[katherinebier]

Well, they have no idea what they’re doing when it comes to being parents. I’m not going to let them get rid of you, Tom. If you’re not going to those stupid dinner parties then neither am I. I don’t care what Mum says. It doesn’t even matter what they think, you’re none of those things. Your ass is flat, Thomas. Don’t lie to me, we both know it’s true. Gross, no way. That sounds like torture. Of course it’s ginger! No fish friend, though. You barely knew him, though. C’mon, I don’t need anyone to monitor my dates, Tom. That makes one person.