looking for a way to let it go.

❞the pearls weren’t really white, they were a warm oyster beige, with little knots in between so if they broke, you only lost one. i wished my whole life could be like that, knotted up so that even if something broke, the whole thing wouldn't come apart.❝ kitty sheridan abbott bartender. student. procurer of things. ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ʰᵘʳᵗ ʷʰᵃᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ʰᵒˡᵈ

[batwan-deactivated20220318]

La La Land (2016) dir. Damien Chazelle

[kathxriness]

lupuhns‌:

                    𝐈𝐓  𝐖𝐀𝐒  𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘  𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐀𝐋     !      His   suspicions    .    Plaguing  him  left  and   right      ,      shifting  old  friends  into  potential  somethings    .    Not  enemies     .    Not  Kitty     .     But  there  was  something  lacking    ,    perhaps  a  bridge  that  used  to  connect  the  two     ,    the  wood  having  grown  weak  over  the  years    ,    breaking  and  ultimately  leaving  them  on  opposite  ends  of  the  river     .      ❛       Hard  to  say    .     I  have  so  many  useful  talents      .       ❜      Despite  the  classic  Remus  response    ,    the  voices  in  his  head  continued  to  scream  the  same  thing       :     STAY  CAUTIOUS     .     They  were  in  a  horrid  area      ,     death  more  likely  than  not     ,     the  thrill  acting  as  a  drug  for  the  adrenaline  addict     .       ❛     Direction’s  apparently  not  one  of  them      .     Didn’t  think  I’d  wandered  into  The  Strange  Ones      ,     but  let’s  be  honest  here                  these  bars  all  look  the  same      .       ❜      He  remained  in  place    ,    expression   casual    ,     yet  ultimately  unreadable  as  a  woman’s  screams  echoed  in  the  background        .     Apparently  her  boyfriend  had  just  been  knocked  out    .      ❛     Or  maybe  you’re  the  one  who’s  confused      .       ❜

                           there  was  a  familiar  feeling  of  regret  in  kitty ,   which  she  half  ignored  with  practiced  ease   ---   the  half  that  wallowed  in  it  just  as  she  had  her  anger  looked  away  from  him  too  take   a  pull  of  her  own  drink.   she  probably  should  have  seen  remus  and  ignored  him;   though  it  was  nice  to  know  his  manner  of  speaking  never  really changed.   nice  to  see  her  prediction  of  his  clever  response  hadn’t  been  so  far  off  base.    kitty  crossed  her  arms  again ,   with  a  tightened  hold ,   and  glanced  back  at  him.   “  do  you?  “   she  asked ,   her  smile  turned  amused.   she  didn’t  quite  feel  amused ,   but  she  didn’t  think  he’d  care.   “  have  a  lot  of  talents,  I mean.   talents  I’d  find  useful  enough  to  bribe  you  for? “   if  she  was  out  of  practice  talking  to  him ,   she  was  glad  it  was  in  an  environment  she  could  drown  out.  it  was  easy  to  pay  the  fight  behind  remus  no  mind ,   and  keep  her  gaze  fixed  on  him.     “  this  is  so  clearly  not  the  strange  ones ,  “   she  deadpanned.   “  but  if  you’re  familiar  with  it ,   surely  you  get  why  I  don’t  always  choose  to  shit  where  I  eat.  “

[kathxriness]

lupuhns‌:

                        𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐒  𝐄𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐄𝐃  𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐓  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐌      ,     fists  flying  about     ,     jaws  crunching  beneath  impact       ;     women  scattered  about    ,    rushing  past  the  blond  who  remained  indifferently  seated  at  the  bar     .     Blue  eyes  normally  bright  with  specs  of  green  were  now  shrouded  in  black    ,     undeniably  empty  as  they  lifted  toward  Anthony     .      ❛    How  much  I  owe  you      ?     ❜       The  larger  than  life  bartender     ,     scars  hidden  beneath  countless  tattoos     ,     waved  him  off  as  he  headed  toward  the  fight     ,    mumbling  something  about  someone  already  having  paid  for  him     .        ❛    How’s  that      ?      ❜      His  question  ultimately  went  unanswered  as  he  looked  around    ,    his  steady  gaze  soon  falling  on  a  familiar  face  on  the  other  side  of  the  bar     .      ❛    Jesus  fucking         .  .  .       ❜      Lazily  standing  up     ,     the  stool  wobbling  as  a  result    ,     he  moved  with  determination      ,     avoiding  the  fight  that  had  somehow  gotten  bigger     .       ❛    You  need  something     ,     or  are  you  feeling  charitable  tonight     ?       ❜

                    kitty  felt  a  momentary ,   fire  -  hot  flash  of  anger   ---   irrational ,   sure  but  entirely  valid  to  her  in  that  moment.   this ,   among  other  things ,   was  why  she  always  felt  so  out  of  sorts  when  around  most  of  the  people  she’d  known  back  at  school.   nothing  could  ever  just  be  what  it  was;  not  when  it  seemed  most  of  them ,   back  then ,   thrived  on  their  clever  turns  of  phrases  that  she  didn’t  have  the  patience  for.  she  hadn’t  seen remus  around  in  some  time ,   but  she  supposed  it  was  still  her  own  fault  for  not  expecting  him  to  find  something  suspect  in  her  smallest  kindness.   her  cheeks  her  probably  flaring ,  but  she  turned  a  tight  -  lipped  smile  on  the  man ,   arms  crossed  over  her  chest  as  she  tilted  her  head  towards  him  in  the  barest  greeting.   “  what  do  you  think  I  could  need  from  you,  remus?  “   she  asked ,   wondering  if  he’d  have  some  smart  retort  for  that ,   too.   “  I  just  felt  like  doing  something  for  an  old  friend.   that’s  hardly  charity.  “

[tchamblers]

[rodeomeo]

[kathxriness]

⟡⌜⇴ AMANDA SEYFRIED ⌠ 29 & she/her ⌡: have you seen KITTY ABBOTT ? SHE is a BARTENDER/STUDENT who’s apparently also NEUTRAL. When you see them walking around, be careful, because while they can be EMPATHETIC and INSOUCIANT, I heard they can also be pretty FLIGHTY and ADRIFT.  ( zoe & 20 & she/her & cst )

here is kitty, my favorite hot mess. feel free to check out her pinterest, playlist, or stats page! her bio is her intro but without bullet points and the helpful separation of past/post hogwarts!! so i’m not linking that. also heed that as a warning that this intro is like ... unnecessarily long whoops alskdhfg

HER PAST

katherine abbott has always been the baby of the family; and in her mind when she was younger, she was the baby of one of the the largest wizarding families there ever was. she had five brothers and dozens of cousins and two parents who’s love was a lot to carry, as much of it as there was, as genuine as it was. katherine, who’s always gone by kitty, was the littlest abbott, and she followed in their typical tradition of keeping the fuck away from politics and policies and too-strong opinions. 

when kitty was little, she didn’t have time for stuff like that  ---  that was her mother’s domain. the woman was a formidable lawyer, very skilled in her craft and more often than not dedicated to keeping their fellow purebloods out of prison. her mom travelled a lot for work growing up and so kitty spent more time with her dad, raised by him and her brothers in their beloved home on the isle of skye. she loved her mother, of course, always had. but it was a complicated love. the abbotts never felt a need to talk about the things that made it complicated; why would they? things like that just weren’t in their nature. 

being raised by committee by her brothers and her father and her mother, when she was around, led to kitty ending up a touch spoiled. no one seemed to begrudge her for it  ---  certainly not the five abbott boys, who were all just as likely to indulge her whims as anyone else. she grew up idolizing her them as much as they cared for her, and because of this, kitty was always in on their boys’ club goings on. every scheme that went on in their home, she was a part of. every prank pulled at every family gathering bore her tiny little hand-print. they trained her well; she always tried to be the girl who could hold her own, always tried to make them proud in return for what they did for her

she partied with them, kept up with them, explored with them. she didn’t mind being a tomboy, being a little wilder, sweet and loud and unkempt. when their mother was away for work, they were given free reign away from pureblood society, allowed to find their own fun, their own selves; their father indulged them all, after all, since he’d grown up much the same in his own boyhood and knew they’d find their footing best when on their own. 

for her first several years at school, kitty ran a rather prolific business smuggling contraband and conducting forgeries for people, aided with owled goods sent by sweet talking a brother or two. there was no signature or statement kitty couldn’t copy down with enough accuracy to hold up, no item she couldn’t charm to a near - identical copy. for a small price, of course! she had her lines  ---  she wouldn’t fake any other student’s handwriting for something mean or cruel  --- but it was fun. she had a reputation, and some people would look down their noses at her for it, but so what? it was fun, and it rarely hurt anybody. she was finding her footing. she was good at it; and in her eyes, when she was good at so little, what was the harm? 

kitty, of course, cared what people thought  ---  but she was a skilled at compartmentalization. things would hurt and she would cry for a while and then shove it away without examining the origin of those tears. feelings overtook her suddenly and with a passion, but kitty was used to wiping them away in five minutes and going right back to carefree laughter. such was the abbott way. no need to think about the things that made you complicated. 

and so she didn’t, for years, until suddenly she found that years of such avoidance left with her with no idea what the future could possibly hold for her. she hadn’t inherited her mother’s brain or her father’s gift at always knowing what to do  ---  all kitty had was a proclivity for potions and illicit activities, a fair hand at charms. the week before sixth year began she decided she wasn’t just going to go on being the same mess of a girl, the same ruinous kitty abbott, good for a roll in the hay or to roll up your joint, to fake your hogsmeade permission slip or whatever other dumb thing no else would bother doing. 

the change was an overnight one  …  as much a whim as any of her other exploits throughout the years. lost as ever, torn open, all it did was leave her weak to an attack. she’d always worn her messy heart on her messy sleeve and went about life like that would never cause her problems. 

kitty didn’t mind the change in her personality so much, but she did resent the fact that she was lost as ever. it seemed that entirely changing your personality did little to tell you who you want to be. without her big actions, big reputation, her sensitivity was front and center. she had her pockets of intelligence and her gifts and her strengths  ---  but she didn’t have a sense of self. it was hard to do much without one.

she was attacked, once. and the change wavered; she was still lost as ever, but her resolve about what would fix that feeling was crumbling. 

POST SCHOOL

other attacks, new murders, and the war continued all throughout her school years seemingly without end. and kitty still had no clue what she would do once she was outside the castle’s walls.

there was no more denying that as much as kitty loved her mom, her well respected reputation as a wizarding criminal defense attorney was built on the mountains of cases she’d won for less than decent people. not just anyone could get her to handle their case; but people with connections, with ancient families and ties to darker leanings could, no problem. her mother wasn’t a death eater but there was no question that the death eaters had her back. and protection was protection; the war freaked kitty out, and she hated the thought of death eater violence, but at least her mother’s name, her mother’s work, might leave kitty and those close to her untouched for a little longer.  

but one of her dumbass older brothers had to go and be stronger, braver, better than kitty ever was. he joined the order, fought for their cause. another followed him, of course, because where one abbott went another was sure to follow. they were always such a close, loving family. 

kitty got out of school, unsure of what to do with her life, but knew enough that she needed to keep herself removed from the thick of fighting, solidly on the fringes  ---  and she felt like a betrayal of a person all the while for not trusting her mother. felt even worse for being too much of a coward to do anything about that lack of trust. so, no she didn’t join the order, didn’t even join the career she’d toyed with if she felt like being order adjacent; and anyway, she probably would never have been smart enough to hack it as a healer. would have failed two classes in, and what a laugh that would have been for everyone around her. no thanks. 

she went to work for the strange ones, as a bartender, sometimes as something else. it didn’t matter; it wasn’t the safest of establishments, but kitty didn’t really mind. as much as she’d tried to clean up her act and become a good girl, she just wasn’t meant to wear pastels and pearls. anyway, she was good at forgeries, working at a bar. she was good at falling back into old habits and ignoring the complicated tangled of feelings in her chest every time she took a too - long look in the mirror. 

kitty was only twenty - one when she lost jacob. the brother who was second closest to her in age and always willing to send her a bottle of gin or firewhiskey during her years at hogwarts, the brother whose promiscuous reputation was an equal match for hers during his stint as a gryffindor, who’d never been able to keep his damn mouth shut or his stupid temper in check, jacob, who kitty loved. jacob, who kitty couldn’t really handle losing. 

it fucked her over, of course it did.

she had one other brother who was active in the order and somehow jacob dying didn’t spur him to leave and that fucked kitty over even more; she’d always been the girl with five brothers and now she had four brothers. how could he be so selfish and keep throwing himself at danger  ---  she’d been raised by the five of them, their father, and only very rarely their complicit mother, did he really think she could bear it if she ended up the girl with only three brothers? 

it didn’t matter; she tried guilting him into leaving only once, drunk and grief - stricken, and it never happened again. he forgave and she forgave him without talking about what was complicated about the situation, as was the abbott way. 

kitty had been as solidly, publicly neutral as possible ever since, and he’d stayed fighting the good fight. their mother remained a warrior for the dark - grey members of their society, the ones with morals so smoky it hurt kitty to think of them. the abbotts were a mess, and kitty hated finally feeling like she matched. her father was the only stable one, and she was grateful for him; whenever she made visits back home, she looked forward to her quiet time spent with him, his solid presence, his gift of knowing the right things to say, to do. kitty hadn’t inherited it, but sometimes she thought that maybe he wasn’t born with it either. that maybe if she took her time she could learn. 

kitty would never fight in the war, but she could help in other ways. she’d always been good at potions in school, charms too, but rarely knew what to do with those skills when she was so busy feeling like a fuck up. since getting out of school, she’d been good at the strange ones; genuinely good, but also good at feeling like she was truly the aimless, lost baby of the family, without any real talent besides being what people expected of her.

now she knew what she wanted  ---  she was going to school to become a healer. for real, this time. she wasn’t going to let herself get laughed out, no matter how long it took her. she didn’t think she would ever join the order, but she could help her friends, her family who had. 

[shelleyhennigsource]

#relatable

[nuevayor]

She’s sensitive, too. Takes to hurt the way water takes to paper.

Junot Diaz, This is How You Lose Her (via nuevayor)

[tayoralisonswift-deactivated201]

“Singing is a way of releasing an emotion that you sometimes can’t portray when you’re acting. And music moves your soul, so music is the source of the most intense emotions you can feel”.

[fyp-psychology]

Perfectionism is very addictive because it is very seductive. It’s so great to think ‘There’s a way I can do things where I can never be held in judgment by other people, that I can totally escape criticism.’ But it doesn’t work.

Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability (via fyp-psychology)