WARNING: Another LOOONG post ahead!!!
Hello everyone! It's been a while since I last updated my Tumblr. Got so busy with Grad school and my therapy that I wasn't active for 2 months. Since it's the end of another trimester, I finally had the time to share what I've been going through.
Sooo, here it goes..... 😅
Last February 2019, I had a feeling that some issues regarding my mental health were getting worse. I was withdrawing from everything I was once passionate about. Sometimes, waking up becomes a torture for me as I think of going through another day, struggling with my depression and anxiety. I kept on pushing my loved ones away that I wasn't aware I was already hurting them, emotionally. I got so used to avoiding and running away from my problems because of the fear that I won't be able to solve or overcome them. I was losing my motivation which affected my performance in school and my daily routines. I started to sink in the depths of self-pitty, thinking that no one will ever understand my state.
Everyday, I feel so helpless and hopeless of my situation that I wanted hurt myself or end my own life. It went on and on until it came to the point where I already got sick of my thougthts. It became physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting for me. At that moment, I realized that I had to reach out and seek professional help because the truth is I really never wanted to die. I just want people to take me seriously. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety leading to Major Depressive Disorder. My doctor suggested that I should undergo therapy and medication in managing my anxiety and depression. For the first 3 months of therapy, I felt I was getting better and I even made some progress but some unfortunate events have happened which only triggered my condition.
My family noticed that something's unusual about me, lately. I'm becoming too sensitive and defensive, thinking that everyone is attacking me or that anything negative is related to me. I get so impatient and easily irritated even in the simple things. It felt like everyone is getting on my nerves and I hate myself for that. In my most recent therapy (which was yesterday), my doctor informed me that the symptoms I mentioned above are signs of a person having PD (Personality Disorder).
I had my own assumptions that I might be having another disorder and when she confirmed it, it struck me really hard. I can't even explain what I felt, until now. I keep on blaming myself and asking God "Why can't I just be normal like other people?" It was never my intention to hurt other people's feelings, especially my loved ones. I miss my old self, before depression and anxiety came into the.picture.
I know that I'm not the only person in this world who is dealing with mental health problems and that's why I decided to share this in public. To everyone who is going through the same thing, I really do wish that one day, we will be able to learn how to love ourselves again and still try to find hope in this times of darkness.
