Veni Vidi Vici

Living and learning. one step at a time...

[kavikins]

Empty Spaces

Trying to make me stay by driving me away. Every day is a different story. Every day is the same thing. No matter what one does- it isn't seen. I clench myself in but I can't hold it anymore. I'm bursting.

Who are you? Why are you worrying about me? I have done nothing wrong. Different generations fail to understand each other. They look at things differently. My clothes? My behavior? I am a person. Do not think of me otherwise. I'm sorry they're not what you want them to be. I don't live my life to please you.

As I grow older, I care less. I'm focused on my greatest success. Judge me, but think before you speak because you won't ever get to know me. You may think you will, but that's wishful.

It's easier to run. It's easier to hide. It's easier to not face what's really inside. But, if the level isn't completed, then what challenge have you overcome?

[kavikins]

i can’t live this way

I come home. I tell my mom “I’m upset”. She starts going on about how she’s upset of the way I dress. I’m wearing gym clothes. She keeps on going and going and going. I scream “stop” at the top of my lungs because I can’t deal. I run into my room, crying. Nobody knows. Nobody understands. Nobody wants to admit their wrongdoings. When you try to ask me why I don’t tell you things or why I don’t come to you, well this is why. Why am I going to talk to someone who is constantly putting me down? All I can hear from the outside of my room door is my parents yelling. My dad defending me and my mom putting me down. Saying I’m a “big girl” and I should get over being upset. If I’m such a big girl, then why are you still concerned of the way I’m dressing? She consistently tells me that I will be the cause of the divorce between her and my dad. You say I’m “running away” from you. Well, this is why. Except the difference between you and I is that I won’t run. I’m going to face up to it. You’ll never change, so I have to.

Earlier in the day, my aunt is upset at me because I can’t make it to the prayer to her house on Sunday. I have work. How am I supposed to take off? I plan to go to my cousin’s graduation the next Friday, so why is it such a big deal if I miss one of the five events that you’re having? No one came to my graduation. No one came to my graduation dinner. Not one of them bought me a present or even congratulated me. I wasn’t mad and I’m not trying to get even. My aunt yells and me and starts to tell me how her niece and nephew aren't even present at this event. I’m sorry. I have two jobs. I’m moving in a week. I’m working on my master’s degree. I forget things almost instantly and my anxiety? Through the roof. Nobody calls me to see how I’m doing or congratulate me on my accomplishments. No, instead, “you’re crazy. I don’t know what direction you’re going in”.

Welcome to the family. Welcome to the most broken part of this thing I call life. Wait, who am I kidding? No one gets warm welcomes here. Around here it’s nothing but insults, deceit, and striving to be better than the next.

[kavikins]

99 probs, 1 goal

I sleep soundly at night because I know I stay true to my word. I don’t feel any type of guilt because I know where I stand and I know what I did or didn’t do. Can you say the same? Can you say you go to bed at night not worrying about adverse things you’ve done? You’re plagued. You’re tainted. You’re not true to you or anyone else around you. And, you’ll never be happy because of it. You’ll never have true people surrounding you because you’re fake.

I’m not plagued. In fact, I’m higher than a cloud on the number 9. I’m content. I have opportunity. I take the chances no one else dares to take because I believe in myself. I don’t talk down on others. I try my best to be true to my word and when I can’t be- I apologize. I work hard, long, and I will never let your knives stab me. I will never let you get to me. I rise above. And? If you were to show up at my doorsteps pleading for help, I wouldn’t turn away. My arms would open wide for you. 

You can never be me. You can never beat me. You can sure as hell try, but I’ve taught you. So think again before you try to teach me.

[icanread]

[kavikins]

Build a bridge

...and get over it, right?

Sometimes you try to go out of your way to keep certain people in your life because you feel like they should be there, but if they don’t really want to be there then why waste your breath? Mistakes were made. There were too many feelings involved and no one wanted to admit them. Instead of approaching the problem, it was being shoved with “it’s irrelevant now”. Oh? I’m irrelevant, I guess. My love,if you knew what you wanted or why you were angry, then we wouldn’t be stuck in an awkward rut. The more I look back, the more contradicting things become. Albeit, I don’t completely know what I want, but at least I’m honest about how I feel and I’ve admitted where I was wrong.  That’s the thing though. I won’t hold on to something that won’t hold onto me or respect me. Trust and respect are key, both which have been lost. On both sides. Friendship? Gone. Can it be built back? The way I see it- if things are meant to be, then they will be. People grow apart and out of each other. Just because we were great at one point in time doesn’t mean we always will be. That’s the point though. If people can move past the mistakes that were made, then you’ll know they were real. I’ve probably fought with my best friends, sisters, and cousins a million times, yet we’re still unbreakable. So if this petty little mistake that I’ve made is grounds for “crashing and burning”, then I’m okay with it. For all the years, we’ve been friends we have expected so much from each other and maybe that’s the problem. High expectations ruin a lot of things. You’ve done things that have made me angry and I’ve felt lied to. I never voiced it, but it was there.

One thing is for sure. I have never asked you for a relationship. You expected me to “just know”. I’m not a mind reader. I’ve been oblivious for the longest time. So, how am I supposed to just know? I’m more focused than my successes than anything. The highest point of my career is my goal and you best believe that I will get there, so will you though. I never expected you to “just know” that. For all I know, you probably think I’m crying over you or I want you back. No, that’s never me. If it’s meant to be with you, it will be with time and effort. If not, there’s someone out there who will respect my time commitments to other things, be honest with me, and not try to justify or avoid what they feel.

If you can’t see it, then I can’t help you. I absolutely refuse to be a puppet. I’ve made mistakes and so have you, yet I’ve never treated you any less and I won’t. 

So build the bridge and get over it? or burn the bridge while we haven’t tried to cross it?

[kavikins]

Re runs

Gone are the days for frivolous sleepovers. Gone are the days in which we laid in the living room with our fort watching Lizzie McGuire. Missed are the days in which we woke up to potatoes, pancakes, fruits and croissants for breakfast. Spending all day in the pool playing mermaid. Fighting about who was the boss (everyone knew it was me, of course). Replaced are the days with 13 hours work days and incessant needs for drinking/smoking. Dancing once to Aaron Carter has been replaced with Nicki Minaj. Marriage is being placed on your lap (I'm on a protest). Life was so easy and fun back then. Adult life ain't funsies. 

[kavikins]

Runaway

Running away when things get tough. Escaping the boundaries that don’t allow you to just be. Scared to be in one place. Routine makes you weary. You’ve become that person- that person they desire, but you don’t want them following you. Why can’t they let you be? Why can’t they see you’re free? 

[kavikins]

Realize we were never in love. Realize we never even gave love the chance.

Myself

[tai-korczak]

23 Emotions people feel, but can’t explain

Sonder: The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Opia: The ambiguous intensity of Looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.

Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.

Énouement: The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.

Vellichor: The strange wistfulness of used bookshops.

Rubatosis: The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.

Kenopsia: The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.

Mauerbauertraurigkeit: The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.

Jouska: A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.

Chrysalism: The amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm.

Vemödalen: The frustration of photographic something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist.

Anecdoche: A conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening

Ellipsism: A sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out.

Kuebiko: A state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence.

Lachesism: The desire to be struck by disaster – to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a fire.

Exulansis: The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.

Adronitis: Frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone.

Rückkehrunruhe: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness.

Nodus Tollens: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

Onism: The frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time.

Liberosis: The desire to care less about things.

Altschmerz: Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had – the same boring flaws and anxieties that you’ve been gnawing on for years.

Occhiolism: The awareness of the smallness of your perspective.

[uglowbandnc-deactivated20240703]

omg this is a goldmine <3

[lifeofaprofessionalstudent]

#GradSchool

[florhalmist]

[stability]

[whatshouldbetchescallme]

When your having your absolute favorite meal and someone tries to steal a bite

[kavikins]

Unspoken

(Warning: Shit’s about to get real deep)

This is a poem I’m sharing. I wrote it. Inspiration was general because I see a lot of people who beat around bushes. He doesn’t say She doesn’t say His thoughts aren’t verbal Her thoughts are ignored What is to say is not to be said Fright Fear Insecurity She does not forget Expectations Assumptions What is to be known is hidden What is to be said is unspoken

[kavikins]

Back 2 Basics

Ever meet someone and they sound like they have it all together? You’re kind of skeptical because society tells you that this is the way life should be lived: steady relationship/ marriage, high-paying job, social life, etc. What about the room for growth? One day, you could wake up and your significant other deserts you without any explanation. One day, you could wake up and your job gives you the boot for no special reasoning. You were so set in your life and so happy with the way thing were going that you’re clueless on what to do next. 

Stuck. Depressed. Anger.

So many emotions are coursing through you. 

The problem is people forget to plan. They forget to grow. They forget to set goals for themselves. They think their relationship is going so well, so they stop trying and stop putting in effort. They think that they’re doing so well at work because the boss hasn’t complained, so they just keep doing the bare minimum. They lavishly enjoy with their social circle, but they forget to save for future obstacles that life likes to surprise us with. 

Before you know it, you’re back to the basics. Just make sure your butt is there to cushion you when you fall.

[zaynmalif]

[imwritingpoems-deactivated20200]

we fell in (and out) of love so quietly