Bite me @kawnchawnkumerr - Tumblr Blog

NEW VIDEO UP

I just posted my new video! I've been wanting to start a YouTube channel for a year now but I've been out of ideas. So here are snippets of my raw vegan happy shopping trip in 60 seconds! Don't forget to like, share and subscribe if you want to watch more 💕✨ https://youtu.be/dBMODCV9wCI

I keep overthinking and I'm so afraid of falling into my old ednos mindset. Of going back to my old ways. Of depriving myself. Of punishing myself. Of looking into the mirror and seeing another person. My collar bones stick out now. I haven't seen them in years. My wrists are dainty. Almost look like they're easy to break. I feel like I'm in someone else' body and this isn't part of my identity. I've wanted this all my life and yet now that I'm so close, I don't want it. It's all too foreign for me. I want to sleep forever so I don't have to think anymore. I really wish there was a painless way to die. Without pain for friends and family. If it were possible to disappear from the face of this planet and everyone going into reset mode, like you never existed at all, that'd be convenient. My head is throbbing. I wonder if I'll wake up tomorrow remembering that food is fuel or if I'll fast all day. It's still so hard to come in terms with the fact that I am and I deserve to eat to my heart's content. I wonder if I'll wake up at all.

I've entered this competition run by a fashion website and I own like 3 tops but I have big dreams and want to be chosen as "fashion Khaleesi" yo. Please please please help your homegurl out here and vote for me at www.stylop.com/competition 💫

Switching to a new blog.

Hi, my lovelies.

I am going to stop using this blog.

I’ve decided to open up about my weight loss journey, transition to veganism, self harm, stints with my old EDNOS mindset that I struggled with, self love and body positivity tips and tricks etc on my new blog.

I want to start focusing on positive things and be as resourceful as possible. I feel like ranting here is great, but I’m currently doing great and I see no point of using this blog anymore.

I hit 1k here and if any of you would still like to read about the more positive parts of my life that I am so thankful for, then feel free to follow me on my other blog. I’m going to miss this theme so much but I want to keep this account so I can occasionally look back at how far I’ve come. A bittersweet diary of sorts.

For everyone that has texted me here and all my internet friends, I love you very much. Whether we still speak or not, you have made a difference. Your words have saved a life and I need you to know that you have to continue to make an impact on other people who are struggling, but please never forget to care about yourself or ask for help when you need it the most.

Feel free to still contact me on Instagram/Snapchat/new blog. My username is kawnchawnkumer and I am always open to listening to strangers/friends/alike.

#selflove #newbeginnings #followers #newblog #positivity #weightloss #vegan #love

taces

My heart is sinking right now. I feel like it's in my tummy. I wish I wasn't the kind that got jealous/possessive/territorial. I honestly despise people that act like that all the time but I'm turning into one of them. So ironic. I've realised the only way I can deal with these kind of toxic feelings is to distance myself from people immediately because I'd hate to ruin their mood over something so trivial. I wish I didn't get affected so easily. I don't know how some people do it. It's exhausting to not be able to explicitly say "Listen, I'm uncomfortable with that." and yet I feel this wave of guilt like I'm constricting anyone from doing what they want. I hate this and I'm not happy with this toxic part of me. I hope I can improve on myself as I have too much time on hand to overthink. I'm so excited to have started Insanity Max 30 day though, although I binged an hour before that and I had the urge to purge so bad right after. I feel ashamed. Its been a while. When I had too much to drink a week earlier, my old habits were so ingrained in my head and I stuck two fingers down my throat just to get food out before the alcohol did that to me for myself. It felt like reflex. I wish I could get over this and quit putting myself down for what I look like right now. I hope I can control portions from tomorrow. Gulping down 1 litre of green tea tonight to make myself feel better. I hope all this working out pays off since I've been feeling sluggish and lazier than ever lately. I've been wanting to get off my ass for 2 months now and I actually want to give it my all this time, considering I did Insanity and T25 very inconsistently.

Self reflection.

It's been forever since I've posted here. I walked past an ex-fling thing gone wrong the other day. Something I've been pining over for months. And I felt literally nothing. Nothing warm and gooey on the inside. No feelings of guilt or regret. No hatred. It felt so good. Dropping a fuckboy never felt so fucking great and I 100% recommend it to everyone or anyone reading this. They don't ever change. You're in love with this god-like image in your head and you'll pass off their habits/excuses as cute or something that is okay to deal with. Eventually, you'll question yourself why you're in love with an asshole. Then you'll think you can try to change him. But they never do. They'll never see the faults in their action. Especially not if someone's trying to convince them otherwise. I'm finally with someone who feels like home. Someone I genuinely want to be committed to. Someone who wants to see me grow and is making me a better person. A lot of people might think this is the honeymoon phase, but for someone like me who's been a part of many fling things in the past because I lose interest quickly and keep rebounding with people, the idea of attachment scares me so much. But for the first time, I'm not scared. I'm not even afraid. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. The thought of not being with this someone breaks me and I've genuinely never felt so cared for or so loved. Almost like when a boy looks at you like you're the prettiest thing he's ever seen. I generally leave soon because I keep thinking "I'm not gonna bring them home to meet my parents anyway, so why get attached when you know you'll have to break it off later and get hurt?" But for the first time, I'm aware of this fact and I'm taking steps towards my own grave this way. Even thinking about it hurts but the thought of reconsidering this entire arrangement has never seriously hit me. I don't feel disinterested yet. A lot of people jokingly mock me asking how long this will last. I hope it will, atleast until college ends. Or further, although I know that the end result will not be marriage. It doesn't hurt to dream a little. I'm serious about something in years and honestly, I never knew it was possible to be so selfish about someone yet love them selflessly at the same time. I've never felt so sure about something in life. Before any of you make fun of mock anybody who lives the hoe life, just remember, old habits die hard but it doesn't mean people can't change. I feel so guilty even thinking about being attracted to another person while I'm committed. It feels very different. Because earlier I'd be like "Oh, it's just harmless" but now I feel like I'm cheating myself by even thinking of fucking another person or being with them. I'm slowly becoming a better person. I can feel it. Like I'm evolving. Being loved by someone who is very selfless does make a massive difference. Monogamy has never been my thing. But I always thought it was because of the way I was wired. Turns out, it depends on the person you're with, as well. How could I have missed out on this? I'm used to leaving people as soon as the honeymoon phase is over. But now everytime I try to talk to people about their relationship problems or try to come up with solutions, I hate how they shut me off because they think I know 0 about relationships. Which is technically true, but if I'm genuinely saying that the person you're with is more important than some stupid pointless fight that could be sorted within seconds with the right words and enough concern, then maybe I'm saying it because that's how you're supposed to deal with people, not because I think I know all about relationships, to be precise. Not because I'm trying to act like something I've rarely had to deal with. How can people be so bitter in relationships? It's something I fail to understand and hopefully I'll never have to face that kind of situation. I'm almost confident I won't, actually. I feel so at home, safe and secure. I don't feel the need to be fake or not act like my real self. I really hope this will last. I pray everyday that it does. It sounds stupid now, but we decided to use a safe word early on in our friendship. It's a word we can use whenever the other person says or jokes about something and sounds insensitive or hurts you, and then they'll stop instantly when the code word is used and never bring it up again. It's been the easiest way I've ever had to deal with someone without worrying about keeping my pain inside. I didn't think it was possible to even be treated this well. I didn't know what I wanted until all of this happened and now I'll never settle for anything less. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it sure is great to feel loved and have someone who is sensitive to your needs, wants and feelings. I love us.