dune is so funny it literally opens like
CHAPTER 1
āIt sucks that I understand Time Cube and as such cannot avoid becoming a genocidal dictator,ā young Paul Atreides said to himself. āFor me. Moral complexity is such a burden.ā
CHAPTER 2
āHeard any good slurs for poor people lately?ā asked the Baron Harkonnen homosexually, knocking back another shot of orphan tears.
this post was a lot longer but I forced myself to cut it back because brevity is the soul of wit and I was getting carried away
anything for you darling
CHAPTER 1
āThe fact that I will commit unspeakable genocide and lead a holy war across the galaxy is very bad,ā said young Paul Atreides. āFor me.ā
āI too feel morally conflicted by my role in a ruthless eugenics program,ā admitted his mother, the Lady Jessica. āDoes that make me a bad mother? Who can sayā¦.ā
At that moment the Duke Leto Atreides returned home from a grueling day churning out propaganda to convince his troops that he was worth dying for. His regal face was lined with deep moral complexities. āItās tough when youāre me and everybody wants to fuck you so so bad,ā he said. āBut thatās the price I must pay for the future well-being of my ancestral house.ā He sighed, deep and melancholy. When was the last time heād thrown around the old pigskin with his boy? Would he ever get the chance againā¦?
Thatās fully-manual ascetic space feudalism for you, he thought libertarianally.
Paul looked around the room and was struck by the sudden and horrific realization that he was the smartest person to ever live, and that even his own loving mother and father could never hope to understand Time Cube.
But thatās a problem for another day, Paul decided, not for the last time.
CHAPTER 2
āItās a beautiful day to be grossnasty, donāt you think?ā said the Baron Harkonnen homosexually as he surveyed the ravaged landscape beyond the window. Acid rain pelted against the glass and melted the flesh off the shrieking peasants below.
āSure. Whatever,ā said Feyd-Rautha, not looking up from his sketchbook, upon which he had scrawled the words āI love killing and maimingā in large bubble letters.
āA-h-h,ā said the Baron. āThat was a trick question: every day is a beautiful day for being grossnasty. You must learn this lesson well, nephew, if you ever hope to get anywhere in life. Piter, what are you doing over there with that huge and evil brain of yours?ā
The mentat violated the Hays Code six times in the few seconds it took him to reply. āIām calculating a mathematically perfect slur for orphans,ā he said in a gay voice. āJust as you requested.ā
āFinally! A productive use of your time,ā said the Baron, and flipped him off. Without a word, he snatched the pen from Feyd-Rauthaās hand and wrote āand oppressing the populaceā beneath the words the youth had already written. āThere,ā he said. āMuch better.ā
"Fully manual ascetic space feudalism" will live forever in my mind
