âI walked through the door with you
The air was cold
But something about it felt like home somehowâ
I wish I knew something was wrong the last time we met. I disregarded everything because whatâs important for me was seeing you and feeling you. I wish I knew something changed. Something was drifting awayâŠ
âAutumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these daysâ
I thought everything was okay. I thought all is well. I thought we are strong. I thought we can conquer everything together. Weeks have past without you but everything is still crystal clear to me.
âAnd I know itâs long gone and that magicâs not here no more
And I might be okay but Iâm not fine at allâ
And now I suffer. I forgot myself. I was very focused on you I forgot me. You wore that mask when with me. When we talk every night. I want to know since when are you wearing that mask? Since when are you faking it? Iâm a fool for not seeing it. Fool for ignoring my intuitions. Fool for you.
âYou told me âbout your past thinking your future was meâ
We had that talk about your past. You growing up, your family business, family challenges and the one about brother. You even told me about the birth mark on the back of your shoulder and the scar on your forehead. We also had that talk about our future. That you want us to live near your familyâs house since you always want to see your niece and nephew. We even named our dogs and I jokingly told you I want to have an Iguana or Chameleon as a pet because you hate lizards. All that conversations made me believe that you see a future with me but jokes on me, I guess.
â'Til we were dead and gone and buried
Check the pulse and come back swearing itâs the same
After three months in the grave
And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you
But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frameâ
It really pains me to think that you just willingly let your love for me wither away. I might have had my own shortcomings and I take accountable on every single thing. You never even know how much I fought my love for you. You never know how much I chose to stay and understand you because I love you and how much I really care for you. The times that my intuition is telling me something and I ignored it and still chose you, the times that I cry because I really miss you and I wish you were here with me. I stood by what I said to you, âMahal kita walang pero peroâ.
âAnd I know itâs long gone and there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed toâ
There is nothing I could do, really. You know that I respect your space very dearly and I understand that you needed your personal space. Now you have all your space without even a glimpse of me. I promise Iâm trying my best to forget you. Because I need to. Because youâre gone and never coming back.
âAnd there we are again when nobody had to know
You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oathâ
This was never an issue to me but of course, it made me thought of things. Were you keeping me to your friends because there was nothing for you to be proud of me? Am I a secret because I am an option to you? Am I just one of your keys in your key ring waiting to be used? I may never know the answers and I wouldnât want to know.
âAnd maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all upâ
I did failed to translate those little things you were doing to me. You had no time for me, You were not replying to my âI love youâ messages, You were not accepting my random quick video calls, You let me sit on the back of the car while you sit in the front and a lot more. Those little things that I endured almost everyday, those little things that when accumulated, became a thousand little cuts on my heart that I need to heal one by one.Â
Did I ask for too much? The time and attention I begged of you. Looking like a stupid fool asking for a bit of time from you. If you gave me your time, you were uninterested. You were on your phone and I donât even know if you are listening to what Iâm saying. I hope you never ever experience that to anyone because it really hurts. Begging for a slice of time and attention to the one that you should never ask that to.
âSo casually cruel in the name of being honest
Iâm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, allâ
The last time you were honest to me was the one that hurt the most. I felt like you orchestrated that a long time ago. You âsilently moved onâ while with me and I guess now, you are enjoying your freedom while Iâm here stuck in the Limbo and no one to save me but myself. If it was really planned, then I am very much thankful to be a part of your show.
âThey say allâs well that ends well, but Iâm in a new Hell
Every time you double-cross my mindâ
Every single is a new hell for me and felt like it will never end. When I open my eyes, you are what Iâm thinking about, when I eat, when I lay in bed. The most challenging for me is clocking in and out to work. I always cry so hard because I am used to update you when I am going to clock in and out. I canât cook because it will just tear me up. I canât listen to my music because we used to share it. I canât go far from home because when I go far away, we are going to see each other. I canât do anything. Just march forward to the new hell everyday.
âThe idea you had of me, who was he?
A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on youâ
This concept of me is dead and never coming back. I have learned to demand and set boundaries. If its not met, I am more than willing to walk away just like what you did to me. I have no more light to give, no more light to reflect. No more love to give to anyone but myself. This time, I am loving me. I will appreciate me. and be enough with my own company.
âTime wonât fly, itâs like Iâm paralyzed by it
Iâd like to be my old self again
But Iâm still trying to find itâ
Time is so slow and I feel that the clock stopped ticking. I am stuck in this nightmare of grieving on someone thatâs very much alive and not dead. I will never be the same again. I will never find my old self because he died. He was buried with all of my hopes about love and people. Everyone will betray you and when the time comes, they will always choose themselves. Thereâs nothing wrong with choosing yourself but this was not just a fight about you. This is a fight about us. About you and me. I am still digging my buried old self and will get anything that can still be saved but I know that a part of that old self is already unsavable and will never be recovered.
âCause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing youâve ever known
It was rare, I was there
I remember it all too wellâ
Remembering how I loved you and I how never left any single love for myself, I felt weak and shitty. Like Iâm pouring my love on your cup but you intentionally covered it but still, I kept pouring anyway. The love from me that you declined to receive and failed to appreciate is the rarest your life will ever encounter. How selfless and unconditional I was. How I let all of that slide. You know what you did under the wraps and even if you deny that to yourself, you know what you did. In the back of your mind, you know. Weâll never know if the grass is really greener on the other side, but what I know is you lost this one real thing that you will ever experience. You lost my love. The love that was unconditional, pure and true.
âAnd did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?â
I wonder if I damaged you somehow. If I do, I apologize. I know I am not a perfect partner. I also share in the destruction of this love story or tragedy. I am grateful that you came into my life. You helped me the best you can. You were always there for me when in dark times. You understood our circumstances. But maybe you got tired and fed up of my situation. This situation that I can never escape. This situation that you know will get better in time but you chose to give up. Please refrain to think that I took advantage of you or that I used you. I can never explain or prove that that was never the case but I just want you to believe me when I say that I did stay not because you are my convenience, I stayed because my love for you was strong than all of the challenges we faced and I am willing to understand you with all my force.Â
As I have said, you will always have a special place in my heart. I have been to relationships but I never loved this way and will never love this way again. When you hear my music, I hope you remember me and our good times together. I hope you never forget us. Just between us, please remember us.
âSacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it all too wellâ
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