Kayla El J

Disabled writer. Enjoyer of sapphic poetry. Cheerwine obsessor. Taylor Swift enthusiast. 23. she/they.

[the-chelseahotel]

The life of a showgirl poem secret messages:

‘One’ - Baby, That’s show business edition

‘Two’ - Sweat and Vanilla perfume edition

‘Three’ - The crowd is you king edition

‘Four’ - shiny bug edition

‘Five’ - The tiny bubbles in champagne edition

[howtonerdoutovereverything]

THESE POEMS ARE SO FIRE

[violetutterances]

I wish Mythbusters was still around so we could see them fuck up a Cybertruck

[haleyincarnate]

[what-am-i-doing-in-this-fandom]

hey, I was just at "things got better" island and everyone there is talking about how excited they are to meet you

[eggsdoodz]

or at least i’m trying to

[kaylaeljwritesthings]

Shoutout to How It’s Done from K-Pop Demon Hunters for being stuck in my head so much so that it lowkey served as my calming “elevator music” in my brain during trauma therapy today

[wren-kitchens]

happy disability pride month and once again, FUCK lazy subtitles. fuck the [speaks foreign language] instead of actually transcribing the words, fuck shortening sentences and changing whats been said for no reason, fuck censoring swearing in captions but not in audio and fuck anyone who says youre being 'too sensitive' for being upset about a lack of accessibility

[skipppppy]

“You shouldn’t self-ID as ADHD/autistic, you’re turning a very real mental condition into a trend” Ok then stop saying delulu. Stop speculating on which cluster C personality disorder the criminals you hear about on the news have. Stop saying “schizoposting” and “acoustic” and “is it restarted?” Stop using “psycopath” and “sociopath” as catch-all ways of calling someone a bad person. Stop saying “the intrusive thoughts won” when you bleach your hair and then turn your nose up at people who suffer from very real, very scary urges of physical/sexual violence. Stop saying “I’m so OCD” as a way of calling yourself neat. Stop treating BPD/ASPD/Bipolar as inherently abusive. Stop saying “OP I am living in your walls” without tagging for unreality. Stop diagnosing complete strangers you’ve never met on r/AITA with NPD.

You first. If you don’t want our disabilities to be treated like trends then stop belittling and minimising them. I’ll NEVER judge a person for trying find labels for their symptoms when an apathetic, racist, sexist, ableist healthcare system refuses to. But I will absolutely judge a hypocrite. Which a lot of you are

[crazycatsiren]

"Actually many disabled people do contribute to society" is not a great argument against eugenics, by the way.

[spoonielols]

[kaylaeljwritesthings]

To my Coley Taylor - a CNF piece by Kayla El J

Epigraph: The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth is a young-adult fictional novel about Cameron Post, a teenage lesbian, who is sent to conversion therapy after her secret girlfriend Coley Taylor, outs them to Cameron’s conservative christian Aunt Ruth. By twisting the story, Coley Taylor evades getting the same treatment from her own family.

[Trigger warnings for homophobia, religious trauma, forced coming out, SI.]

To my Coley Taylor,

In my second semester of college I called you a snake in one of the first poems I ever wrote, inside of the journal now officially MIA. I remember, even when writing it, how guilty I felt calling you such a thing. It swelled inside my conscience like an overblown balloon seconds away from popping—because I shouldn’t say such a thing about another person. Another woman. …and then I broke down in my third semester of college and wrote another piece kinda like this one, called “Dear Redacted,” where I highlighted how you hurt me when we were teens. Once that was done and read aloud to a crowd of my peers one fateful April night, I stopped feeling guilty for calling you what you are and then I started to feel numb to all things you: a blip in the convoluted timeline of my story, a tiny speck one can only see clearly with a microscope.

But then you came back into my life unannounced four years after you told me I was destined for hell… with an apology, just assuming that I’d welcome you back with open arms… that I’d fold to your longwinded sorry. I hate that you knew me so well. It’s taken me nearly a year since the breakup to truly make sense out of everything you’ve said to me—like you suggesting if our paths cross again maybe it will be different, then you deflecting your feelings, treating me like an experiment. How you’ve started down the path to become a youth pastor, all while ranting to me in DMs about how much a sapphic song about leaving religion changed your life.

I’m no believer of the “you cannot have both” rhetoric, but the specific subsection of the world in which you’re so desperate to fit in, does. So you need to figure that out. And I can assure you that your congregation will eat you alive if you stay right where you are and someone finds out, then outs you—ya know, for the sake of transparency, like you outed me to your parents and friends when we were teens. I completely forgot you did that. Did you forget that too? Way to go memory repression for having my back for so long. But I read The Miseducation of Cameron Post recently, and the part when Coley Taylor outed Cameron Post and twisted the story just enough that Cameron was the only one sent away? It felt oddly familiar to me and at first I couldn’t figure out why.

Then it hit me like a screeching, bloody pileup on I-16. It all came back to me, the way you told me all nonchalant-like that you told your parents I was gay, and when I rightfully questioned that choice… you said you “had to.” I still don’t know how your parents kept from asking my parents, “hey, did you know your daughter’s a queer?” It seems like something they would’ve done. But I talked to my Mom about it, and she told me nothing was ever said, at least not to her. …and I’m not one to bring out the Ouija Board and ask my Dad the same. But Mom assured me that she nor my dearly departed Dad would’ve reacted the same way Aunt Ruth acted in the book—so, I’ve got that going for me.

Its the principle of the deliberate action to out someone—regardless of the mental gymnastics performed to make such a move. Outing people without their consent hurts. It can ruin people’s lives, it can domino effect the kill of the outed, inflicted by someone else or by the outed themself. The way I felt at 17 made all the more sense once I remembered. The anger I’ve felt towards you lately has been so bad. And I’ve forced myself to laugh about how oblivious you appeared to be in the weeks leading up to when I blocked you. If the roles were reversed, you’d hate my guts too. You would.

So all this to say: there’s a part of me that wants to make you feel all the pain I felt back then… and all the pain I still feel at 22. But I won’t, because I value queer lives too much to keep score with you. Still, I think several years down the line I will die angry at you and I hope you can sense that.

— you know who.

[azrielsshadows42]

There are two types of writers:

1. 'It's fiction, it doesn't need to make sense!'

2. 'I didn't account for the rotation of the planet and how that affects the constalations while my characters stargazed at different times of year, I have failed as a writer, and this entire thing is trash'

[theconcealedweapon]

[thedankmemes]

[prophetic-writer]

"How do you write such realistic dialogue-" I TALK TO MYSELF. I TALK TO MYSELF AND I PRETEND I AM THE ONE SAYING THE LINE. LIKE SANITY IS SLOWLY SLIPPING FROM BETWEEN MY FINGERS WITH EVERY MEASLY WORD THEY TYPE OUT. THAT IS HOW.

[mars-of-the-vast]

I feel like this could apply to both maladaptive daydreamers and fanfiction writers and lucky for me I’m both

[heywriters]

Once again, you can be an English major. a seasoned journalist. an established author. a famed literary critic...and you will still scratch your head over the junk that makes it big. Public opinion has no worth. Just write what you want.

"But I don't want to share something that isn't perfect" why not? everyone else does.

[elusive-phantom]

stop leaving disabled people out of your activism, btw.