Anyways, I’ve never really been all that excited about getting gifts because I usually feel bad about it and I only ever really gave people gifts when it’s a celebration or if I knew it would make them happy (Maddie and Ali). Yet twice this week I’ve made a conscious effort to go out and get things prepared for people. The Halloween package for Madison and the thing of hockey cards for Kat. Now the Madison thing is weird, because on one hand I feel like it falls more in line with my mission of finding out how to show affection to her properly, and I can’t just ask her for her love language results. Also I feel like this will just genuinely make her feel a bit happier and good on halloween. But the Kat thing is really weird. Because I didn’t think there was really a reason to do it. I visited her at work twice this week which is really out of the way for about 5 minutes of interaction each time, and the whole process of getting the cards and everything took a while, but there was really no reason. I thought at first it could have been because she was sad, but I had bought the pack before she said anything except “next time you’re at Tim hortons get me a pack of hockey cards”, so of course I made a point to get a London fog and some cards for her.
But BRUH?!?! IDEK! It fully whacked me in the face on my way to the gym that I might be doing this because subconsciously I feel like it’s the only way that they’ll feel like they’re getting anything out of the friendship? And that goes back a whole ways with the deteriorating self confidence due to lack of any positive feedback, but idk. I think it adds up because I’ve been on edge and consistently confused with how both of them feel towards me more than I worry about any other friendships, and I don’t think I would do this with anyone other than these two so it makes sense. But it also could be me simply trying to show my appreciation to my close friends in any way that might be acknowledged??? Idk
