one day changed everything

20. North Dakota. Wanderlust. Country.

[kaylamarie-sunny]

“You can’t share grief. In the end, when the building burns, your still left with your own pieces. Your own shattered picture frames. You have to pick up what is yours - choose to carry it, bury it, or say goodbye.”

— The edge of falling. (via justthatgirlbx)

[kaylamarie-sunny]

I would give up pretty much anything just to be able to talk to my brother one last time. I have so many things that I just want to tell him.

[skelebabie]

no matter how mad you are you never use some things in arguments

- weight

- gender

- sexuality

- traumatic experiences that the other has gone through

[imaginarydiscographies]

-race

[angeljade-deactivated20200531]

-mental illnesses

-disabilities

[kaylamarie-sunny]

“Guilt: The guilt that comes hand in hand with losing a sibling is overwhelming. Siblings have a very special relationship. Loving each other, not being able to stand each other, competition, rivalry, growing up together, knowing each other inside and out, teasing, and defending each other are all just a tiny piece of this. As the surviving sibling, we dissect every thing we can remember having said or done and wonder how it could have been better. Those childhood fights and arguments turn into these horrible things that we did, the awful siblings we were. At some point, most realize that the things they were feeling guilty for happen to everyone. Those “bad” things would have been forgotten or laughed about in later years if our sibling hadn’t died. Most guilt is irrational, something that we have to cling to and wonder about. Worrying about how we could have stopped their death, changed the circumstances surrounding it, knowing for sure that we did something wrong or caused it. There is also survivor guilt, feeling guilty for living when your sibling didn’t get to grow up or finish their life. Eating, dating, going for a movie, having fun with friends, any sort of pleasure brings intense guilt along with it. Thinking that it should have been you, that you didn’t deserve to live if they couldn’t. Knowing that the things you’re experiencing should be what your sibling has too, getting married, having children, buying a house. Usually this is immediately following the death when it is totally consuming. It takes a lot of time to go away completely if it ever does.”

— How Losing A Sibling Really Affects You By Sarah Davis (via werebike)

[kaylamarie-sunny]

It’s late at night when it hurts the most. It’s when the world is asleep and I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about how things would be different if you were here. It hurts late at night when I’m out and and I meet someone new and they realize I’m your sister. It hurts when I’m out with mutual friends of ours, and it’s just not the same anymore. It always hurts the most late at night when I am not actively filling my time and mind with something else. It’s late at night when it hurts the most.

[sisterwithoutabrother]

I am a different person than I was when you left

When we lost you I was 21, so young and so determined. You were 23 also young and your determination was driven by another force entirely. 

My whole life I grew up looking up into your shadow, you were better with people than me, had so many people who loved you. I was shy, never really tried to have more than one friend at a time. 

You were never outwardly proud of me, I later found out you were striving to finish college before me your younger sister finished. I also found out that your friends knew about me and were able to tell me how proud you were. 

You have been gone for 5 years, I’m different. Or I’m trying to be, branching out, discovering who I can be out on my own. I’m 26 now the young person I was when I was carefree and didn’t believe anything bad could happen to me are gone. 

She has been replaced. With a girl you might not even recognize. She is softer, no longer made of steel, but still just as tough. She may cry more, when she sees a sad commercial or movie but she is still fierce.

She can’t feel as carefree, she worries constantly about everything. She is trying not to blame you for leaving, but she can’t help but feel like the world has changed and forced her to be colder. She loves with her whole heart, but that opens her up to vulnerability. She is now the only child left. The only one to pick up the pieces of the broken family left behind. The one who hides how she feels to keep up the strong appearance she is supposed to have. For her parents who everyone believes has been impacted the most. 

 And maybe they have, but they have also had more support. Each other, support groups, friends and family who all only ever to bother asking how your parents are feeling. 

I don’t want to be angry but I am. I had to change who I was to be the rock, the one who doesn’t feel. Which was easy when I had school to throw myself into. 

Now I have graduated, a school and a program you don’t even know I applied to. To help people. 

Now I know so many people who don’t know who I was before this, and I can’t help but wonder if they would have liked me better before this. 

Before this girl who is so intense because she can’t not put her all into everything for fear of falling apart. 

Thinking about so many things from how I am going to support my parents as they age to how my big brother could have left me in this world to figure everything out myself. 

I’ve met a boy, who is so amazing that my heart leaps when I think about him. But I’m afraid, what if this broken family, with this broken girl is too much. It terrifies me that I can’t introduce this boy to my whole family, but just the broken pieces left behind. Starting a relationship with someone who never knew me before, who never knew me when i had a brother and only as me now is the hardest thing I have ever thought I would have to do. 

I met his family this weekend, they were wonderful. He has 2 parents and a sister, and they are all so happy. I just have trouble not feeling jealous because I used to have that, and now I don’t. I cried about that for a shameful amount of time. I don’t know how to do this… But I want to believe I am strong enough to figure it out. 

[kayyla-marie]

It’s crazy how fast the waves of grief still come. One minute everything is fine, and the next I’m ugly crying into my pillow because all I want is to talk to my big brother, I just want to tell you all the things that are going on in my life. I want my person back, I want to fight with you, I want to drive around and talk, I want to beat you in video games, I just want more time with you. I want to stop being so envious of the people that get time with their siblings. I just want my big brother back.

[kayyla-marie]

Here I am again, meeting new people, starting a new job, having to answer questions about my life. The dreaded “do you have any siblings?” inevitably comes up, and here I am explaining that yes I have a brother, but he died awhile back. Sometimes I just want to say no, so I don’t have to deal with the awkwardness that it causes, but It hurts too much to deny your existence. You are still my brother, even though you are no longer here with us. I miss you so much.

[kayyla-marie]

Guilt

I go about my day with a new normal, my grief no longer consumes me, I can listen to my friends talk about their siblings without spiraling out of control, I have accepted that you’re gone, and I’m not even sure I remember your voice anymore. I feel an intense amount of guilt for moving on, and living my life. I feel guilty for creating a life for myself that you will never know. I feel guilty for letting days go by that I don’t think about you. I feel guilty for not stopping at the cemetery to see you. I know you wouldn’t want me to feel this guilt. I know you’d want me to be happy, but I just want you to be able to be here.

[griefunfolding]

“Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start here.”

— Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

[kayyla-marie]

Every time something in my life changes, it hits me a little harder that you’re gone. When everything is the same it’s easy to get into a routine, it’s “normal” not talking to you, but when something changes, that’s when I just have this burning desire to call you. I just want to tell you about the people I’m meeting, my new job, and all the crazy shit that happens here. I just want to talk to you about how mom is becoming grandma, and that dad is lonely. It breaks my heart that I’ll never get to talk to you about these things, that you’ll never know what I’m doing with my life.

[manderzzzz17]

Memories. Such a double edged sword. So many good memories, but that’s the problem. It’s just memories. I’d give anything to have you back here, absolutely anything.

[kaylamarie-sunny]

I’ve learned that there will be days that I am not okay, there will be days that I simply win by getting through the day. I have learned that there are certain things that I will always fear now. I have learned that there is nothing I can do about it except learn to deal with these days as they come. I’ve learned that there is a part of me that feels guilty for having fun, and a part of me that feels guilty moving to new stages of my life. I’ve learned that people expect you to just move on and forget about your loved ones, and those are the people that have never lost a loved one. 

[thoughtkick]

“When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, that’s when you know you’ve healed.”

— Unknown (via thoughtkick)

[kayyla-marie]

I wonder if there will ever be a time that I look forward to holidays, 7th set of holidays without Jason is upon us and I still find myself hating holidays. I just want them to be over, it hurts every time I see a post of my friends with their siblings, or seeing my cousins have their siblings. It breaks my heart, and i shouldn’t be jealous, and i should be able to control it, but i cannot shake it. This will be my 7th year of avoiding family functions. I just wish he was here.

[scared--hitless]

“And how do you tell them you feel so empty without making it sound so sad?”

— fckedupfray  (via wnq-writers)

[kayyla-marie]

I’d give anything to just be able to talk to you right now. 😭