KBazOriginal @kbazoriginal - Tumblr Blog

Lost.

Do you remember what its like to happy? Not just having a good day happy, but truly non-conformed happy. Not happy because of others, or happy for others but truly blissful on your own. My long term memory is shit, but i have vague images of a time of a 6 year old me dancing in circles of flowers with other girls just being young, wild and free. that kind of happy. i miss that. No need to try, it just happened.

8 of cups and a World.

For the last several years I’ve felt trapped in a world I created and could not destroy. I gave so much of myself to other people that there was none left for myself. I lived in a world of worship for a man whom could not love me back, as much as he wanted to. I allowed someones struggle affect me and my love for myself. I crawled inside myself and stayed there for the last year.

I’d spend my days layering bricks and cement around my heart and head. No vacancy for new energy to hurt me again. In the evenings I would send the search dogs out to find the pieces of my heart I’ve lost and gave away, with no results. Than find myself swimming in whiskey and a ocean of my own tears under the moon, alone.

I hurt others I deeply care about because I didn’t care about myself. I pushed them to a place where I shouldn’t have. I allowed someone to treat me like a punching bag because I felt like I earned it. I pulled a six of swords one day and realized its time to wake up. Its time to grow and not regret my past but remember it. Allow the healing in, and don’t tolerate chaotic energy anymore.

I got down on my knees and prayed to find myself again. I prayed for only good people who spark my passion for life. Then, you suddenly appeared right in my rear view.

Now I find myself drowning in the ocean of your eyes gazing fearlessly into an unforeseen future. You are my world card. my 8 of cups. Thank you.

#kbazoriginals #writtenword

#sharkweek

yup.

CryBaby

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a little blue figurine on a dashboard and my stomach does a somersault...

Be cool.

Head down.

Speed walk.

Don’t freak out.

Its not him, you’re fine.

Walking slowly through the aisle, I take my time looking through wine.My brain is chex mix, a bunch of random things bouncing around and I cant think.

Will this haunt me forever?

Will I ever forget?

Do I even want to let go?

Shut up. You’re fine.

As I exit the store, there you are. Of course. Two minutes of bullshit chatter, we part ways. I had so much more to say. But I couldn’t remember how to manipulate my mangled tongue to speak the right words.

I’m nauseated. Soon to be in a ball of inexplicable tears.

They say time heals all wounds. But no one has written the manual on how to fix a broken heart without all the parts. Some of which don’t exist, or were given away and never returned.

I paint...

I write...

I draw.

And its always you. So I just cry.

#crybaby #kbazoriginals

White Knight and White Lies

In a far away memory, I tasted a fairy tale.

I woke to a man who was my dream. With in deep slumber, he became a nightmare I never thought I’d witness.

A tragedy unseen.

#kbazoriginals #haunted #sleepingsickness

anxietyproblem

Waking Cold Sweats

Standing in a rose garden, face to face with a statue of Mother Mary, I am adorned with a crown made of flowers, handmade and placed on my head by my mother. I’ve been here before, it feels chillingly familiar but I cant seem to name it or recall when I was here. I hear birds chirping synchronized with children’s joyous laughter. Last time I was here in my waking life I was a little girl. That memory, like many of my childhood, is blurry. But nevertheless memorable 20 something years later. In my dream, I appear as I am now, as an adult. Barefoot, draped in a flowing white chiffon gown I kneel in front of the statue and begin to pray.

The rosary in my hand begins to get heavy to the point where I can’t raise my arm. A bone chilling silence falls upon the garden. Numbness tiptoes toward my elbow and quickly I’m completely paralyzed.Hues of pink, red, and yellow roses slowly start to shrivel and go up in flames. My garb begin to tatter and rip, swiftly painting itself black. I’m screaming for help but nobody is there. I am alone and the fire is closing in around me. As the the tears stream down my face along with blistering sweat, a stone forelimb reaches through the flames. I struggle to move my arm up to meet the hand but it is still pinned to the floor with invisible force. As I manage to break the invisible bond that bewitched me still, I awake in the darkness of my bedroom pouring a cold, cold sweat. Needless to say, I haven’t been getting much sleep.

#insomnia #teamnosleep #sleeplessinmiramar #kbazoriginals

water

A cool breeze passing through the air caresses my skin sending shivers up my spine, mimicing the way you use to touch me. That nostalgic feeling alone brings my storm to the surface, releasing from my eyes. Feeling so much but also feeling so empty. As if I were a beautiful tree with heart rot, decaying from the inside but seemingly fine on the surface.

I take a trip to the ocean, observing the moon from a watch tower. The scent of salt and fresh green fill my parietal lobe with flooding thoughts of painting by the ocean. My mind begins to race and anxiety blocks out every logical thought, and on that beautiful still night it begins to rain inside my brain, it pools up in my eyes.

Eternity of you

A moment turns to a second.

That second turns to a minute.

That minute turns to an enternity of you. My hipocampas cant deny your presence.

Often

I often lie awake at night with thoughts of the past. Past heartbreak, traumas of my youth, previous bad decisions, people I fear I will never cross pathes with again. But they end with thoughts of you, and what I could have done not only better, but differently.

Often;I spend my free time too anxious to get minimal task done. Theres so much laundry to wash, but these constant heavy thoughts keep me in bed. Until the time comes to go to work, cause a girls got to feed her demons. I will wait til the last second, paint my face on and face the world... when i have to.

Often, the pressure to be strong breaks me.

Often; i toss and turn in slumber. Thoughts of you.

I bleach and sandblast my brain, still remains...thoughts of you.

Often.

#kbazoriginals often open