K-M.33 @kccemm-dorkk - Tumblr Blog

Hello! ▂ ▃ ▄ ▅ ▆ ▇ █ █ ▇ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂ 『••✎••』

My blog purely diary for myself since I don't have a safe space to carry out and express my weighted feelings/emotions, and some spur in the moment things I find interesting, please don't mind me!

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I don’t know if I’m sensitive or dramatic—probably both— but sometimes during a week or a month, even when I’m already having a good time, when something as minuscule as something not going my way, I just fall apart. Which is odd in my opinion as usually i wouldn’t care at all (since its quite natural), its just that singular moment I get really bummed out and want to start crying, all over basically nothing, curling up in my blanket in hopes to feel like someone is hugging me.

For example, today, I did want to play Minecraft with my friends in a public smp, but I couldn’t because I was using a crack version of Minecraft whilst my friends had the legitimate version. I was so disappointed, but what was there to do? They aren’t the mods so they can’t just change the setting, and they were just having fun, so what gives? Its not like they were excluding me, it something that none us could control. — Ultimately I do think it was just dissatisfaction and disappointment, after all I did create my own skin to play with them, even borrowing my sibling’s mouse to play, but alas it was all in vain. Maybe I was too eager to play? I got my hopes up then saw them crash in real time, but I shouldn’t cry over spilt milk, no?

Anyways, thats really I can say. Thought these silent moments that let me cry make me feel better honestly, at least I’m not holding back my tears like I used to.

Its been awhile since I’ve made a blog, and honestly? life has been going really really well :D, Sure there are those up and downs but you know what? I’m happy for myself !! ^^

I rarely use my online persona anymore, I plan to leave that behind me along with everything I’ve done, not to ignore my problems but to just let myself go. When i made that account I was in a horrible mental state, I rushed into relationships, tried to be the best version of myself but that wasn’t me, I was just an online version of the person I wanted to be. I’ve met awesome people and its sad to see them go, however I’m not going to waste my time just craving online validation

That guy I talked about previously? I don’t want to associate with him anymore, He’s honestly gross as hell I can’t lie. I blame myself and take accountability for basically letting it happen, just like ticking yes for accepting the terms and conditions, I was ignorant and craved attention too, and thats horribly wrong. I was basically being groomed, and I waltzed into that situation with a blind fold because I liked the way he “liked” me.

I’m just being myself nowadays, and I feel like I’m regaining relationships I lost in the past due to being so self isolated. I don’t care about rumors about me anymore, if thats what they wanna believe so be it :P, its hard to unconvince people who have been convinced that the rumors about you are true. I’ve playing adopt me more often too, Its a dumb kids game but ykw? I’m so hooked, the building mechanic is so much easier than bloxburg’s one and I enjoy getting profit for things I worked for ^^!!

Thats my life update, I’ll see you later :D

My school life got worse, I dont hang out with my friends at school anymore, I dont talk to anyone that often aswell I only stay cooped with myself and my music (i snuck my phone in) and its the only lifeline I have, maybe it was the rumor i found out that my one of my “closest” friends spilled for fun. At least I’m going to try to work on myself to be better and to give myself a piece of mind,

As they say, “If you can’t enjoy your own solitude, how will other enjoy being around you?”

I think i may be over my head a little,

About the man in my last blog I did tell him about my age, and he was fine(?) weirdly, we ended on good terms but we still contact eachother (questionable) The only reason? “He sees a future with me.” we met barely a week ago and youre already saying things like that. I should be out of my head, my logical side is slowly coming back and I maybe be fucked for my online persona. But heres the thing Im still happy when he texts me, spends time with me thats something that I’m trying to figure out. Is it the attention? the benefit? I dont know.

I shouldve came to know he was a red flag the moment i talked to him through text after our call, the way he latched on too quickly, Confessed too quickly, the way he had so many exes, “finding true love in me” whilst Im a minor. He only wants comfort from love in romantic relationships, he cant always be alone and he has high standards. I’m scared for myself, I dont want any drama revolving me or my close friends, it was my fault to be fair from the start, lying about my age, I have my reasons but I’m not going to state them because i need to embrace the fact i fucked up

I just hope it works out

God where do I begin… I have a boyfriend now SHOCKER REALLY I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE GAY FOR ETERNITY.. there are so many problems in this relationship already… not with him obviously, hes so cute and sweet, god i love how chalant he is with me, the problem is me.

I lied, first of all he thinks we have a year gap difference, but its actually 3, I lied about my age online because no one would fly if i was too young, I thought we were going to be friends but hes got me wayy over-heels for me account for that, god i regret lying, there post of my friend dating n older guy and that older guy necessarily is just lustful of her. And now im getting reels about ur age gaps that i should am too worried about, what if he finds out? Hes going to hate me for sure for deceiving him. I wish i could fix this, I want to let him off easy so he wont get hurt since im way younger. esp with that d4vd drama (iykyk)

Hes so amazing, really, I love him so so much, hes so adorable and cute and freaky its like my type of oerson, its like i manifested him into life, he listens hes sweet I just.. feel so bad for lying..

Edit (a few hours later): God i love him sm but hes so.. freaky still love him tho, I’ll just tell him to turn it down a notch, but GOD I FEEL SO SO BAD FOR LYING HES SO CUTE I CANT DO THISSSS VRROOO

I'm pretty sure my friends hate me, and it's most likely my fault but I don't know how to comfort them about it.

Now, thats a stretch of an accusation, they're same people who used to yell at me to come closer because I was leaving myself out, or the times when I was actually an option when they asked to hangout.

But recently, everyone seems to hate me, (except (X) my current bsf and hopefully now and forever). I can't help but to think if I did something wrong, I don't know what they did and they wont communicate with me about it, because why would you wanna communicate with someone you don't like? I don't want to self victimize, I really don't, but I genuinely think my friendships are all falling apart, thought theres alot of factors like: Classroom change, new people, different enviroments, rumors etc.. I think the most prominent one is just how we're getting older n stuff, since we wont get close like we once were at our peak.

They're all good people, i know that, they have their morals and I'm most likely the problem, since I'm not funny, ugly, uninteresting, basically I'm just a high maintenance robot, okay, I'm just really not that interesting. It just sucks, because I really appreciate these people, not just for what they bring to the table, its the way they influence me to be a better person, and I like that. I wish I could change myself to be better than to just mope around like a sad douchebag, I wish I could know what I did wrong to make it up to them.

I'll just appreciate the friends I have now, now I know this ins't the exact quote, but, I'm changing it, "No matter how many people leave and go, loving someone is never a waste"

I’m.. so fucking confused its stressing me out, I dont know where the fuck life is trying to divert me, its putting problems left and right, making me overthink the simplest interactions.

My exbsf, randomly became giddy with me, i dont know what intentions they hold, I feel a really strange swirling gut feeling, the negative one, the one where you ur heart beats fast but feeling like any moment it could explode in fear and uncertainty, ripping and destroying your other organs in the process. Because just the previous week you were side-eying me, and the a few weeks before that I literally saw you gossiping to my “friends” out of a small crevice in the window like some coincidental scene in a novel. Im still not sure if it was about me or not, I hope it wasn’t about me.

Along with my friend group its gradually falling apart, friends leaving left and right to do their own stuff, me included. Two “friends” (F) already avoid me, one is still talking but from what I’ve seen, is distance in her eyes. And the rest, well the rest are guys, I dont mind them, theyre nice, its just.. I dont do well with guys, because usually I can’t really relate to anything they say or do.

And that’s only my school life, My home life is slightly better however, I still can’t trust myself with my siblings and parents, especially with my social media persona, because I know they would flip out on me if I had told them I was some person online.

I just, don’t know what *I* did wrong, I’ve tried my best to avoid this type of relationship forming, and I’ve tried my best to make amends, be open, and to be less mean, to be a better person, to be changed and respected for my personality, and not my looks because I know damn well I look fucking horrendous, i mean if you saw me you’d agree.

Its all my fault, even when it isn’t i still feel its my fault, I shouldve been the better person.

I wanna disappear, but then again I can’t because I still have friends that care and if I do they’re gonna be worried it’s stupidly concerning. my best friend in like a few states over he’s been there even though we’re like miles, not really that much but like miles apart, he still makes time for me and I thank him for that and I platonically love him for that. I think that maybe Love comes in different forms because even the people I made in the hallway they seem to be happy with my presence it’s happy to think about so I try not to focus on like the problem that is right now. I just kinda hope it’ll work out for the better i’m trying to do I’m trying to follow life and honestly I hope I get paid back soon not in that sense, like “you owe me this” but I just want to be me again I don’t wanna be the one pleasing people, I don’t wanna be the one that follows people, I wanna be myself around people. it’s stupid but like being yourself it’s probably the best form of love for yourself it’s healthy, really, but all the people that have surrounded me are so mentally bad in the head and they want to hurt other people because “hurt people hurt people” I guess

I dont know where life its trying to direct me, Its giving me mixed signals like a situationship. One day I’ll be having a good day getting along with people and being playful, then the next I’m going to be ghosted and hated on for even existing.

(Mentions: Suicide)

When I was in my early teens, I tried to kill myself deliberately. Every time life felt too tough I would try to do something to harm myself to, idk do smth about the pain that hurt inside or to punish myself. I was a young teen, I didn't know any better, even then I was still quite dumb and dramatic, though in that period of life I can't blame myself for the things I felt, I mean I was still figuring out my feelings and emotions, esp the gay thoughts.

My attempts varied from, hanging, cutting, overdosing, and starving myself. But unexpectedly, something or someone always seemed to interfere mid attempts, like a sign or something that would stop me and make me give up in my tracks. For hanging, when I finally tied the cord around my neck, I fell from sheer gravity and broke my ceiling light, and another time the cord was too low so I couldn't really hang even though it suffocated my neck. For cutting, I stopped because the blade of my cutter jammed. For overdosing, somehow, the pills I kept in my medication box were missing, and alot of it too. And for starving, in those situations, I was always forced to eat, whether it were a family member I fought hard with the previous day, or a friend who didn't know I was starving myself.

I'd forever be grateful to whatever to stopped me, to make me still thrive today, like a sign from god, or the universe, or some guardian spirit, or just some coincidence that kept happening that literally said "Fuck no, its not ur time yet bitch" And I laugh thinking about it. I haven't had anyone to talk about this with so I'll post it on my blog. And from experience I will try to look out for the signs in people doing them same so they wouldn't need to suffer in silence

I just want to feel loved without worry or rejection man, is it that hard? I want someone who is willing to take me into their arms and hug me without feeling some sort of guilt or sadness, I want to love someone who won't give me mixed signs that they love me or not, I WANT TO LOVE, TO FEEL LOVED. God i hate this feeling so much, how I need to be better, how I'm not loveable enough. I'm so desperate man, I just want some girl to pick me off my feet, or hold me and say that I'm her's I dont ask that they have the same personality type, or if they look different, I want someone compatible with me. Just be the sapphire to my ruby..

To wake up and to have something waiting for you that you enjoy/love the next day is an unfathomably comforting feeling

please don’t toy with my feelings, please don’t kiss me then tell me we’re just friends, please don’t give me affection when you really don’t mean it in that way, please don’t give me gifts with heart felt meanings behind them.

Because I will fall in love, I’ve got a soft and fragile heart of a lover and with prolonged actions like those I will fall for you, seriously its not funny, we need to bring those boundaries back, our boundaries back

but its too late for that

Can the universe lwk get me a partner please I’m lwk losing it , maybe before I wasn’t ready but now I am and now I suddenly can’t find anyone💔💔

GOD THESE TESTS ARE GOING TO BE THE FUCKING END OF ME I HATE THIS SM RAHHHH💔💔💔

I love being kind to people, it brings me so much joy when people are seen and appreciated. I don’t ever want anyone to feel left out, it hurts alot to not be noticed at all from experience, I don’t want that happening to anyone else.

I hate being so critical about things that seem inaccurate to me, like shows and books, I'd like to enjoy it without the constant blabber about accuracy please!

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