I’m.. so fucking confused its stressing me out, I dont know where the fuck life is trying to divert me, its putting problems left and right, making me overthink the simplest interactions.
My exbsf, randomly became giddy with me, i dont know what intentions they hold, I feel a really strange swirling gut feeling, the negative one, the one where you ur heart beats fast but feeling like any moment it could explode in fear and uncertainty, ripping and destroying your other organs in the process. Because just the previous week you were side-eying me, and the a few weeks before that I literally saw you gossiping to my “friends” out of a small crevice in the window like some coincidental scene in a novel. Im still not sure if it was about me or not, I hope it wasn’t about me.
Along with my friend group its gradually falling apart, friends leaving left and right to do their own stuff, me included. Two “friends” (F) already avoid me, one is still talking but from what I’ve seen, is distance in her eyes. And the rest, well the rest are guys, I dont mind them, theyre nice, its just.. I dont do well with guys, because usually I can’t really relate to anything they say or do.
And that’s only my school life, My home life is slightly better however, I still can’t trust myself with my siblings and parents, especially with my social media persona, because I know they would flip out on me if I had told them I was some person online.
I just, don’t know what *I* did wrong, I’ve tried my best to avoid this type of relationship forming, and I’ve tried my best to make amends, be open, and to be less mean, to be a better person, to be changed and respected for my personality, and not my looks because I know damn well I look fucking horrendous, i mean if you saw me you’d agree.
Its all my fault, even when it isn’t i still feel its my fault, I shouldve been the better person.
I wanna disappear, but then again I can’t because I still have friends that care and if I do they’re gonna be worried it’s stupidly concerning. my best friend in like a few states over he’s been there even though we’re like miles, not really that much but like miles apart, he still makes time for me and I thank him for that and I platonically love him for that. I think that maybe Love comes in different forms because even the people I made in the hallway they seem to be happy with my presence it’s happy to think about so I try not to focus on like the problem that is right now. I just kinda hope it’ll work out for the better i’m trying to do I’m trying to follow life and honestly I hope I get paid back soon not in that sense, like “you owe me this” but I just want to be me again I don’t wanna be the one pleasing people, I don’t wanna be the one that follows people, I wanna be myself around people. it’s stupid but like being yourself it’s probably the best form of love for yourself it’s healthy, really, but all the people that have surrounded me are so mentally bad in the head and they want to hurt other people because “hurt people hurt people” I guess