What I loved, what I stopped loving—it’s all become the same sad yearning to me.
Fernando Pessoa, from Introducing Álvaro De Campos in “Pessoa: Poems Of Fernando” [translated and edited by Edwin Honig and Susan M. Brown]
(via adrasteiax)
▋ INCOMING TRANSMISSION # ??? SIGNAL SCRAMBLED.❛ WHAT I SEE WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN. ❜ – TRANSCRIPT AS FOLLOWS.
It snowed for three days and three nights, a howling blizzard like the ones I remember in Chelyabinsk, whiting out the windows. I took shelter in an empty farmhouse. There was fuel in the stove, and in the pantry I found a few unopened jars of preserved fruit. Peaches and mulberries. I slept on a rug in the parlor. There was a bed, but … I had a strange feeling of trespass, even though there was nobody home. Even though it looked as if there hadn’t been anyone home for centuries. [ SILENCE, 10 SEC. ] When the blizzard finally calmed, I went out. It … sounds silly to say, but in the light of the moon, the whole world was blanketed in this … this ethereal white veil. Like a wedding veil. This … incredible, virginal glow. I took a can of peaches with me and sat in the snow to eat. They were very sweet. [ SILENCE, 20 SEC. ] I … remembered bringing you berries in the bedroom you and Andrei shared. You were combing your hair. I touched your lips … And as I sat there thinking of it, I swore I could feel your breath against my fingers. So I plunged my hand into the snow until it grew numb. [ SILENCE, 14 SEC. ] And then I saw you … Standing before me with frost in your hair and your lashes … the way you thinned your lips against the cold. I saw you very clearly. I didn’t dare move. [ SILENCE, 10 SEC. LAUGHTER. ] You know, Yulia, alone with myself, I’ve had a lot of time to contemplate the meager powers man has at its disposal. Sight, scent, sound, touch, taste … I asked myself, which of my five senses could I not live without? Which was the most essential? The sound of the howling wind? The taste of sweet canned peaches? [ SILENCE, 7 SEC. ] At one time … I would have said, feeling. After all, how can one be sure that they’re alive without it? But … it isn’t, Yulia. It’s sight. The sense so often considered vain or … superficial. And yet … [ SILENCE, 12 SEC. ] Here, I cannot touch you, Yulia. I cannot hear your voice. I can’t smell your perfume, or … taste the slight salt of your skin. But that’s alright. That’s alright. For those few seconds that you stood before me, Yulia … I was happy. As long as I can see you … I won’t complain.
▋ RECOVERED TRANSMISSIONS LOG #14. RECORDING.❛ MY FRIEND, CAN YOU HEAR ME? ❜ – TRANSCRIPT AS FOLLOWS.
I have a confession, my dear Andrei. I went drinking with an American. [ LAUGHTER. ] Don’t make me laugh, I’m … I’m running out of oxygen. [ SILENCE, 5 SEC. ] I know what you would say, Andrei, but I met him in a church, not long before my voyage. I spoke to him of David and Bathsheba, and Uriah sent far from home to die … [ SILENCE, 14 SEC. ] He was very kind. I think you would have liked him. [ SILENCE, 12 SEC. ] Strange, I … I can’t remember his name … Like so many things lately, it … seems to have escaped me. Up here, in all this boundless – all this unconstrained – all this unfettered nothingness, it seems that everything has ample space in which to escape … Everything but me. [ SILENCE, 10 SEC. ] What is your name, what is your name, what is your name? [ REPEATS, 27 SEC. SILENCE, 7 MIN. ] … Matthew? Are you there? Up here, I have seen every ocean on our planet. Every sea. I look, I keep on looking. I want to see the face of God moving on those waters … But the world seems faceless. It’s funny but I – I looked down and saw your continent and thought of it as ‘ home ’ … [ SILENCE, 2 MIN. ] I want to teach you – I want to teach you a Russian prayer. When I was a boy, I recited it daily … And as a man, I thought of it with a distant fondness … as if I’d outgrown it. Отче наш, сущий на небесах … Да святится имя Твое … [ LAUGHTER. ] A Russian Prayer. How stupid … As if God speaks different languages in different hemispheres … [ TRANSMISSION GARBLED. WORDS INDECIPHERABLE. ] … thy kingdom … [ SILENCE, 10 SEC. ] thy kingdom … … [ SILENCE, 2 MIN. ] Andrei … Matthew … [ LAUGHTER. ] My … my strong, American friend … … Will you pray for me?
▋ INCOMING TRANSMISSION # ??? SIGNAL SCRAMBLED.❛ QUEENIE, I’M CALLING YOUR NAME. ❜ – TRANSCRIPT AS FOLLOWS.
Today I found the railroad tracks. They ran straight and long through a field of tall green grass, like tracks left by parallel skis in the snow. But the winter has thawed now. It is springtime again. At least … it looks like springtime. [ SILENCE, 45 SEC. ] … I walked along the tracks as far as I could. The grass was so tall, I could put my hands out on either side and skim my fingers along the blades. But I couldn’t find the train … Then I grew tired. I lay down. I waited to hear the rumble of approach beneath my skull; to be crushed beneath its wheels in a sudden bolt, like an annihilating arrow … but it never came. [ SILENCE, 20 SEC. ] Why won’t it come? … Queenie, are these the rails that brought you to Star City? Or the ones that took you away? I remember the smart clip of your heels on the platform; your matching luggage … When you told me you were proud to know me, that you would point me out in history books and say, ‘ I knew him before he flew, ’ I shook my head and laughed. I said it didn’t matter if I was remembered, if I was praised, if Stas Arsenievich became a household name or was lost forever. What was important, I said, was only the present; only to do now the most wonderful thing one could think of – and hang whether anyone remembered. [ LAUGHTER. ] What a fool … [ SILENCE, 30 SEC. ] … You know, Queenie, thinking of it now … I think … I wish I had … exercised a little more foresight. I think it would be nice to be remembered. When I close my eyes and strain to listen, out across this vast … this barren wasteland … I wish I could hear someone calling my name. [ SILENCE, 10 SEC. ] But there’s nothing. Not even the sound of a distant train. [ SILENCE, 30 SEC. ] And when I awoke, it was snowing.
just a quick PSA !! i’ve got a visitor through the rest of the week and into the weekend, so expect a bit of silence here on my end. thank you for bearing with me, everyone !!
his friends are now bored of her and her giggles , at least stas is still enjoying her smiles . the empty chairs now tucked in give her tunnel vision , watching the starman in his seat wax poetic about the infinite . she never knew so many combinations of words existed to spell out i am excited . it’s easy to tell .
he’s like new , a g . i . joe doll . she doesn’t say it , the implication that the government’s as careless as a toddler with its precious toys somewhat heavy - handed . instead , she rests her cheek on her fist . he catches her grinning .
❝ don’t mind me , i just think you’re — ❞
amazing , exceptional . neither fit .
❝ great . just great . where were you ? i swear i was listenin’ — ❞
* ♡ ── ⎛ @kclibri . ⎠
LATER, HE WOULD RECALL THAT AFTERNOON in swatches of pink tweed and flossy yellow hair, the twinkle of her attentive smile dotting the outline of some homeward galaxy -- a light in private darkness. But at the time, there was no need for cosmic resonance. The world was only as mad as it had ever been -- the usual sort of madness, man-made and political; consignable to newspaper headlines and radio programs and the voices of ranting politicians -- and Queenie’s twinkly smile still reminded him mostly of chewing gum adverts, and the taste of strawberry candies.
“ Andrei -- ? Oh, Andrei, did you hear that? ” But Andrei had gone. They were alone in the mess-hall that afternoon, and Stas, with a hand cupped about his lips, called down the length of an empty hallway to the shadow of a leaning broom. “ The young lady says -- say it again, Queenie -- the young lady says I’m just great! ”
From the shadow of an open door, the tousled head of Lizaveta, a cook, emerged to scowl at him.
“ Oh -- no, nothing, Ms. Liz. As you were. ” A darting glance to Queenie; the conspiratorial glee of a child caught in the midst of mischief, but not caught alone. Ducking his head, he lowered his voice. “ I think ... I was at the part where we find a new place to chat before we’re forcibly evacuated. ” A pause. Then, carefully -- “ What would you say ... to a new coat, Queenie? I think I have an idea. ”
-- uh but on another note, i’m not really sure why andrei didn’t just kill stas in the bathroom that time when andrei had just almost lost his eyes in an accident & was torn up about the fact that he’d never be a cosmonaut now, and stas’s stupid idealistic ass literally had the dumbass gall to say to him “ maybe you have to lose your wings to fly a little higher ” like RIGHT THERE AND THEN honestly andrei should have just sprouted a big donkey kong fist out of his forehead and punched him through the ceiling and i’m honestly a little ?? :/// like idk it seems a little unrealistic that he didn’t but i guess this isn’t a highly realistic film and all
TODAY ON: ‘ garnet gets emotional & rambles about this obscure film that no one else has seen ’ ( which, by the way, can be remedied on vimeo -- for free !! ) , A ( NOT SO? ) QUICK RANT about the love - triangle dynamic between stas, yulia, and andrei. TL;DR: i love it. and if you care to read more, here’s why. ( SPOILERS AHEAD. )
A QUICK SUMMARY OF THE LOVE TRIANGLE: stas & his best friend andrei ( both cosmonauts in training ) both fall in love with yulia ( a communications technician ). stas & andrei agree never to discuss their feelings for yulia with one another, and the three of them form a fast friendship. eventually, andrei & yulia begin a relationship, though there are obviously unresolved romantic feelings between stas & yulia as well. when stas is sent into space ( and eventually lost ), yulia and andrei are devastated, but struggle to maintain their relationship. nonetheless, yulia is the only one capable of hearing stas’ ghostly transmissions after he’s “ lost ” ( naturally, i’ve changed this for rp purposes ), and the two maintain an intense mutual longing from ‘ the other side. ’
SO HERE’S MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THIS LOVE TRIANGLE: EVERYONE IS HUMAN, AND NO ONE IS “AT FAULT.”
unlike most movie love - triangles, the object of mutual affection ( in this case, yulia ) isn’t treated as an “ obstacle ” to stas & andrei’s friendship. they don’t constantly fight over her, they don’t try to stab each other in the back or cut the legs out from one another to impress her, and they don’t ‘ lose track of their own friendship ’ in their pursuit. in short, she isn’t simply a goal. both stas & andrei have a romantic interest in her, and they both attempt to bring that to fruition, but yulia is never portrayed as a wedge that comes between their friendship, nor is her value in their lives / her role in the film relegated to being purely romantic. she’s as much a ‘ best friend ’ as she is a ‘ love interest. ’ she’s an integral part of a very strong friendship shared equally between three people.
likewise, neither stas nor andrei are depicted as being more or less worthy of love than the other. they’re different, they each have their virtues and vices, but neither of them are the ‘ bad ’ guy. neither of them follow the tired old trope of ‘ showing their true colors ’ once they do or don’t get the girl. neither of them become destructively jealous or suspicious. neither of them stop loving each other, and neither of them stop loving yulia, because the love that they share for each other and the love that they share for yulia is not depicted as mutually exclusive.
likewise, the film never attempts to pass a judgment or even really even ask the question of whether or not yulia ‘ chose the right or wrong man, ’ because it isn’t a matter of that. things wouldn’t have been ‘ different ’ if yulia & stas had gotten together instead. in fact, in the long run, it’s almost inconsequential who ‘ won ’ or ‘ lost. ’ and though yulia obviously longs for stas after he’s gone, that doesn’t make her relationship with andrei more or less ‘ real. ’ ultimately, there is no right or wrong man, and it’s when all three of them are together that they’re happiest.
-- because the most important love affair in this film is not one between stas and yulia, or yulia and andrei, or even between all three of them, but the love affair with youth, happiness, and togetherness. the love affair with life, and with the past, and with what you hold dear to you now, and might take for granted.
HENCE, ULTIMATELY, THE ‘WEDGE’ THAT’S DRIVEN BETWEEN THESE THREE CHARACTERS IS SIMPLY THE TRAGEDY OF STAS’ DEATH, A THING NONE OF THEM COULD HAVE WHOLLY FORESEEN OR FORESTALLED. and the poignancy and tragedy of the story is not just that ‘ stas lost the girl ’ or ‘ yulia lost the boy ’ or ‘ andrei’s losing both, ’ but that all three of them have lost that idyllic past. that happiness, that togetherness, that youth. the love - triangle itself is not the story’s main conflict, it’s simply one ingredient of a time in which they were all together -- a time which, in retrospect, was perfect -- and which now represents one facet of an ‘ eden ’ that they’ve lost.
you’re so right, anon. i’m so sorry. what i meant to say was:
**** all i can say is that i want these FOUR ( yulia, andrei, stas, and the big clump of grass ) to be happy and laughing forever whaT THE –
i’ll never forget that time they all got daffy and drunk together and grass made that hilarious joke about neptune. the past is such a transient, fleeting thing … always hold your grass near to your heart … you never know when you’re going to be parted suddenly and irrevocably by the vast depths of space.
kaledo-art
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
