Cancer Left The Jungle

My baby sister died and I have no idea how to deal with it

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2 Years....miss you love you...

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2 Years...

I can not even comprehend that it has been two years since we were last able to be in your physical presence and hug each other. I don’t even have to close my eyes to be right back there.. This is so surreal and I keep waiting to wake up - two years later. In some ways it’s almost worse as time goes on - the reality of the permanence of everything. I am beyond grateful that you are no longer in any pain and are up high with the angles watching over all of us. We know you are with us. I try to let that thought comfort me but I still get angry, sad,and depressed that I will never hear your titter in real life real time anymore - never get fro yo with you again - never hear you say on my machine ‘you don’t have to call me back just wanted to say hi’  - never ever will I ever see your hilarious emojis that you sent everyday - the conversations we had without saying a word - only those characters! You were so fast and quick witted with those things - if there was a game show making a story with them you would win hands down everytime - 

I try to find peace by envisioning you with a smile on your face. When I feel you around me I try to just stare and keep you there as long as I can. I wish I could put into words how badly I miss you and want you back. We are not complete without you car car. Are you laughing hysterically when you see AC and Roman??? I think about that all the time. If Carly was here what would she be teaching them to do? Are you tittering when you hear AC say some crazy things that he hears us say? He repeats everything and it is HY-sterical! 

I know you are still spreading your love and strength from above. Please help Rubens heart. My heart breaks for him and I wish I could fix it for him. I can’t thank you enough for bringing him into the family Car - really and truly don’t know what we’d do without him. Sometimes I feel like an outcast and Ruben never makes me feel that way. He always checks in - 

Alexis and James miss you too - I know they do. When I’m sad they give me a hug and they love hearing all our old Bradley (Farkel family) stories. I am so happy that you were able to come visit us here and spend time with them at the holidays.

Carly I could go on and on - I would just keep saying - I miss you - those are the only words that I keep coming back to. I want to ask you so many questions. What is heaven like? Do you get to see God? Are you with all our family that is there? Are you meeting all sorts of new people? Do you get to travel all around? Do you eat? Do you sleep? Is there music? I know I must sound crazy and I think part of me is anymore. 

I have to keep faith that one day we will be able to see each other again - I just so BADLY wish that you could just come back from time to time and just poke your head in and say hieee! I just want to see your face and smile in real time - I can’t help being selfish - I’m trying to work on that.

Carly two years and two nephews later I would want nothing more now or ever for you to see them in real life and give them a hug. You are watching them and watching over them from above as they grow up. I just hate that they will never meet you in the flesh. It is not comprehensible that this happened - is happening and will continue to happen for the rest of our lives.

How many sleeps until we meet again for some fro yo? Please continue to watch over all of us and from time to time if you can continue to send your signs it will be much appreciated:)

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Its my birthday....

I absolutely know that you are with me today on my birthday car car but I miss you so much. I keep one of your birthday cards next to my nightstand all year round and I did especially love to read it today. I keep thinking that you will be sending me a text or call or FaceTime me. Life will NEVER be the same. It will never be ok... but I will always look for you. ❤️❤️❤️

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Miss my sis

Merry Christmas.... Yes its wonderfully amazing to be around everyone for Christmas but it just inst right that you are not here. I can not look at pictures and not cry. When dad cried when I gave him your picture it broke my heart. If I could take it back I wouldn't have given him the picture, I would have just placed it on a shelf and he would eventually see it but it wouldn't have been right in his face. i am so mad at myself for making him cry. I just (as we all do) wanted you there so bad I thought that printing pictures was in a little way having you there. After I saw dad and Padraic cry I slipped Rubens pictures in Trevor, he texted today to thank me  - I hope I didn't make him sad. I know you are always there but.... Carly there are no words to express how surreal this is. I do not feel human... Most days at least for a part of the day I can’t unscramble my mind. I can’t focus I cant think I cant breathe  I cant breathe  I’m angry I'm sad I’m heartbroken I'm anxious I'm nervous. Panic panic nervous no patience no patience. Rip my hair out scratch my eyes out. My jaw hurts all the time now from clenching. Why can’t I figure this out?

I want to go back I want to go back I want to go back.

Now I’m mad at myself for being selfish and not realizing what I have in front of me. Not appreciating what I had. I do not know why I do not know why

Saint Anthony please help me find my heart, soul and happiness because it is lost and I can not find it.

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Happy 2nd birthday in heaven sissy xoxo Miss you so much it hurts but you did make me laugh today with your sign. Thank you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ wish I could hug you again. Wish I could hear your laugh one more time.

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❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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One year...

One year.... Its been one year since we have been all together. There are. No. Words. To express the pain in not only my heart but whole body. Carly I KNOW you are mad that I cry but it overtakes me sometimes and can't help it. I try to be strong and go on everyday. Everyday I wake up and get out of bed. And everyday I dread seeing the sun rise. I know I have to face this shit all over again. It is UNREAL, UNIMAGINABLE, that this happened! I truly feel like I am living an out of body experience. Some days I want to rip my freakin skin right off my body. Some days I can't think and hold a thought or sentence sequence for more than one friggin minute! The flashbacks are beyond painful and I have no idea when where or what triggers them. I have the worst and best memories of that week. I don't want to think of the pain but it also makes me feel like you're still here. I wish I could remember all the memories from when we were kids. That's what I want to remember. Alleys birthday was just the other day (obviously you know that and you were there) it was so hard without you physically there. Watching mom and dad cry breaks my heart. Watching Ruben in so much pain is heart wrenching. Watching Alley become an amazing mom to TWO (can you believe it?!) little boys without you here on earth makes me want to scream. I want you to be able to hold and squeeze them. I know you are always with them but it just isn't right. I know you are their guardian angel. I would give anything for one more hug... one more fro yo... I know I can't have that. Please come visit me in my dreams and talk with me. I need to talk to you and have you talk back. Please help me be a better person. If I could be 1/8 of the person you are I'd be so happy. You are my little sister but you always looked out for me and I need that. Carly I love you and miss you so much. All I can do is pray that the good memories come back and you send signs as often as possible. I can't believe heaven has had you as an angel for one year. 💔💔

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Almost 10 months

Carly I miss you so much. I don't how to get happy. I know that's what you want. I don't know where I belong. I wish you could come give me a quick hug and even yell at me if you want. I feel no happiness, only sadness, emptiness, anger and resentment. I really do try to fix myself. I love AC and he is such a blessing. I try to ' see' you everyday but it's not the same. I don't know how to make this my 'new normal'. Should I leave and start over? Start where it won't be so hard? I wish you could give me advice. I don't know how to put one foot in front of the other. This is getting harder in so many ways. Please help me. I love and miss you so much.

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One year ago ♥️💔

Carly's 30th birthday

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1st birthday in heaven

Happy birthday car car! It's your first birthday in heaven. It is beyond surreal, weird, sad and many more feelings that I can't all describe. I still feel like I'm going to wake up and you're going to be here. You're gonna walk through the door and I'm gonna say 'long time no see' I know you're here but it DOES NOT get any easier. It gets harder in many ways. People think as time goes on 'I'll get over it' but guess what.. not so much. Not only do I not understand and am so sad it pains me so much to see the rest of the family in so much pain. Ruben, thank you for bringing him to us car ♥️ I know Alley is in so much pain, we see you shining through AC but the physical absence of you is beyond painful. There really are no words sometimes to describe how it feels so I won't try. Mom and dad are rocks but they are heart broken. I am so thankful that Padraic is here to be with them a lot. I know you're with all the angels and at peace. Wish I could talk to you and ask a lot of questions. Love u with my whole heart. Please help me to be a better person. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️happy birthday to my angel sister Carly.

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21 weeks gone

Carly it’s been 21 weeks and my heart hurts very much. I think I’m ok and then BAM it hits like a ton of bricks. You really can’t be dead. Please come back, I love and miss you so much ♥️♥️ Dad got his new hip on Thursday and is doing really well! But he’s a ‘pussy’ (inside joke for the rest of us) and he’s allergic to all pain meds and gets so sick! He can’t take anything! I have to tell you it was hard being in the hospital, it brings back so many flashbacks and memories. I had a few moments these past few days but couldn’t let mom or dad know so I tried to hide it. I think I did ok. I hope I was emotionally helpful for mom and not a weight like I usually am. I know you were there the whole time and was watching out for dad. Please keep watching over all of us especially Ruben and Dad. Ruben needs you car. I know you know but Ruben has been amazing for all of us. I don’t know what we’d do without him. I love and miss you so much. You’ve helped so many people but I’m selfish and just want you back.

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I lost my best friend.

I know I'm not easy to be with, I know I'm not easy to live with but I've always been 'me'. I'm sensitive, I worry, I stress, I can't help it. But I also have a big heart. I try to make everyone happy but in the meantime I can't make anyone happy. This is how I was built. In some ways it makes me great but in other ways it's a curse. I can't snap out of things. I don't know how to talk to people. I'm weird. This is why I started this blog. My only support system over here - can't take me anymore. He doesn't know how to love me anymore. Carly used to be able to talk me through these moments. Her voice made everything better. I don't want to leave but I can't stay. I lost my best friend in the time I need him the most. My heart hurts all the time and I miss my sister so much.

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I sent a card...

“When a parent dies, you lose the past. When a child dies, you lose the future. When a sibling dies, you lose the past and the future.”

Carly don’t worry I sent a card to mom and dad for their anniversary and I sent her a birthday card from both of us. It was about fro yo! It wasn’t a papyrus card but I think you’d approve♥️

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This is definitely how I’ve been feeling. ‘Hold on to me… Cause I’m a little unsteady…’ Carly I can’t thank you enough for the signs you send, but I also can’t help but feel so sad I’ll never hug you again. My tea bag string was flying around last night with no breeze around and I knew it was you saying 'yay! Good job, you’re drinking tea!’ Lol also today I saw your name in a sign at lunch. ♥️I know you’re around but just can’t get used to reality. I don’t like crying or being sad but I 'know’ those emotions. When i realize what my reality is and that you’re not a part of it, that you’re DEAD, I feel like I’m not in my skin. I’m not in my body. Everything is unexplainable.

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These two never got to physically meet but i know Carly was and is with Atticus every minute. I just spent a few days with my amazingly cute nephew and was overwhelmed with joy but at the same time couldn’t help but be sad that Carly wasn’t here to hold him, see him smile, change his diaper, rock him, feed him. I miss you terribly Carly and don’t know how to tackle these emotions. Love u so much xoxoxo

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One more hug

It's very hard to explain how I am feeling at this exact moment. I'm anxietal, out of touch with reality, foggy, sad, nervous... It seems that I can not accept that you are really gone Carly. I thank you for coming to me in my dream the other night. It was a sad dream but I am so thankful that I got to 'touch' you. It was so real and I woke up holding your hand. Time is passing but as of yet it is only getting harder not easier. People say it will take time and this is normal but man I don't know. I just keep thinking you're in New York and I'll see you soon. I keep waiting for your texts and emojis and 'stickers'. When I realize this will never happen again I lose it, I crumble' I can't keep it together. I can't talk to everyone about my feelings. It's actually harder sometimes being around everyone. Man car I miss you. One more hug.

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I ♥️ him 8-15-16