❝ i’m not lying !! ❞ & she’s not, really, she’s not, & the fact that she’s made vivienne think she’d be lying about something like LOVE is just… really, the most terrible thing. lucy’s biggest failure yet.
she’s just… absolutely horrible. between she & vivienne, she’s the demon—– vivienne is just a soul in purgatory, perhaps, but not the cruel one, NEVER the cruel one
( although, lucy does wonder what exactly happened with charlie. why charlie evaded them. why vivienne didn’t do anything sooner. whether charlie LOVED vivienne. maybe she did. does. still does, maybe. & lucy hadn’t known. & vivienne hadn’t told her. )
& even WERE vivienne the cruel one, does it matter ? does anything give her the right, regardless, to accuse vivienne & judge her & hurt her so ? love, love is the most important thing of the bible, mama says. lucy KNOWS. she felt it. thought she felt it. even if there is no god ( but there has to be ), there IS love & lucy knows, because she’s felt it for her family & her friends & for… vivienne…
it’s almost like vivienne’s once more curled into herself—– ready to die. she’d FELT ready to die moments earlier. she’d dropped. & no one should feel that way, no one should ever feel that way, & lucy & vivienne are BOTH better than that, lucy knows they must be…
& the kisses peppered all over vivienne’s face stop. lucy cradles vivienne, gently brushes away the grime & blood from her face, trying to keep the blubbering tears at bay. she kisses vivienne, & it’s not because she owes an apology ( or twenty ) or anything else, it’s because… it’s because, well, because she DOES love vivienne & she wants to show her, & saying it’s not enough, it’s not, it’s not…
& oh, she’s breaking, resistance never more than a fragile & hastily-constructed crust; she tore down walls upon walls to be with lucy, stripped herself of defenses, made herself vulnerable with what seems now to be horribly reckless abandon. at the time it had seemed a GOOD THING, if terrifying, clawing her way out of this self-built coffin of ice to join the living, having finally found something worth living for––––& now, now it’s her undoing. she can’t withstand this warmth, this gentleness with which lucy holds her, the sweetness of this kiss.
( she has always been WEAK, deep down. )
trembling fingers clutch at the fabric of lucy’s sweater, hesitance building too fast into a death grip––––this time, this time, she will not be pushed away––––although she daren’t do more than that. to pull herself closer––––to give any further sign of how terribly, DESPERATELY she needs this now might tip the scales again, might convince lucy that she hasn’t yet been punished ENOUGH. & vivienne wouldn’t survive that––––couldn’t.
only cling, & be held, eyes still shut tight, breath & blood still frantic in their pace. more tears leak out in defiance of all lucy’s efforts to stem the tide, but even that is something she cherishes. a few seconds of peace & silence during the screaming nightmare of tonight, when it feels almost possible that everything between them hasn’t fallen to utter ruin.
a few seconds, nothing more. a few seconds before the tide of fear & pain & aching for death rushes in again, further tainted now with disgust at how easily lucy can ensnare her, & vivienne draws back into herself. she cannot bring herself to meet lucy’s eyes any more than she can bring herself to let go of the sweater, so her gaze travels back & forth across the rumpled, dirtied fabric, twisted as it is between her own fingers.
fresh heat pours down her cheeks: hot tears & rising humiliation in equal measure. she wets her lips, a flickering, nervous motion of her tongue. pathetic. pathetic. completely––––
❝ ––––p—please don’t. hurt me. ❞