Hi can you please explain the ending to walking around December, I’m slightly confused 😅
So the story ends with the ‘flashback’ and I understand that oc didn’t want anything to do with JK, but the way they ended in the ‘present’ confused me (which you set up to be before the final ‘flashback’) — they ended in the present with JK saying he still loves oc, and say she’s something like too bad? (I think she said that, but she loves him too)… so… I’m confused here lol like are they going to stay apart? Are they going to try again? Or is it an open ending?
I loved the fic! (hated JK in the end tho, he bad bad baaad ☹️)
Oh yeah it is an opening ending... and i think that's the point of the whole story and its up to you the reader to decide, what you would choose.
Glad you loved it and appreciate you for reaching out🥰❤
synopsis: Years after a tragedy tore you apart, you and Jungkook meet again in the one place neither of you ever stopped visiting. What begins as an awkward reunion slowly turns into a walk through memories you’ve both been running from. With every step through the cold December streets, the past unfolds in fragments, stolen glances, late-night conversations, a love that was never supposed to happen, and a betrayal that cost a life. And in the end, the hardest punishment isn’t being apart.
It’s knowing you deserve to be.
Warnings: this fic contains themes of infidelity, heavy angst, grief, emotional manipulation, toxic relationships, death (non-graphic), flashbacks
Reader discretion advised. (I've warned y'all, I don't need people cussing me out. If you haven't read this and find something you don't like that's on you. You've been informed.)
A/N: I wrote most of this story last year and was supposed to post it in December, but I wasn't done in time cause i got busy. better late than never.
this story is intended for mature audiences and not just in age. of course i hope everyone who is okay with the warnings reads it, all i can ask is that when giving feedback and responses that you're kind with your words. It's angst and it's a realistic ending (realistic to the story of course). so, with this story you're meant to go in with an open mind, okay?
Just a note on the flashbacks. The present day occurs in one day and the flashbacks over the course of years.
Sorry for any errors...
WC: 22k
read under cut.
────── ❅ ❅ ❅ ──────
Present day
Something deeper than the December cold seeps into your bones the closer you step to the house. A house you don’t need your eyes to get to.
You’ve played around here so much, made memories. Things you can never forget. And even though it was never your house, it was your home, and Ryujin’s mom always made sure you felt that. And so, being in town, you just had to visit her. For more reasons than one.
Gosh, you didn’t even call her. What if...
Finally turning the corner, you freeze as you stare directly at the desolate and unkempt house. The house looks like ruin. Not much like the place you remember. How? She was always a well-kept woman and made sure everything was taken care of. But now it’s anything but that.
The flowers you hold lower with your hand. It's your fault—you've been so caught up with yourself this year that you haven’t stayed in touch with her. God, she probably think you’re so selfish and hates you now. But really, is it her you care about? 'Cause you never talked to her much; it was her daugh—
“I think she moved out.” You turn into ice from sheer fear and shudder like it when you register the voice.
Jungkook walks out from the backyard just as curious as you. You shouldn’t be shocked that he’s here, cause you’re here too. Great minds think alike? Or is it something else that has you meeting here? Something deeper binding you two together.
If you weren’t going to cry before. you are now. He doesn’t say anything as well, and he doesn’t have to; you just watch each other from a 100m distance, and you can already read the many things between you.
In normal circumstances, you should be running into his arms and crying about how much you’ve missed him, but you don't, and honestly, you even hate the fact that you think of doing it. How disrespectful. Shameless to do it right on the ground they grew and lived on. The ground they fed you and cared for you. You’re really shameless, aren’t you? Fuck.
“Yn,” he looks the least surprised to see you, like he actually expected you. Like he wanted you here.
What do you say to him? How do you say it to him? Do you even deserve to say anything or even be here?
You don't look at him when you build up the courage to speak, finally relaxing your clenched fist, because you won't lie—seeing him does piss you off for many reasons.
“Thought you moved away.” You say, hands digging into your pockets beyond the manufacturer’s intentions. You had a bad feeling coming here, but Lord knows it has nothing and everything to do with Jungkook.
One foot over the other, slowly, cause he might slip but also to not scare you. He inches closer to you, still comfortable for you when he says,
“You know I had to come back today.” The reminder from him is like bricks, so you look away from him, and he hates it.
Christmas Eve.
It’s been a year, but it feels as new as ever, like he’s just hitting his head all over again. “I’m glad to see you here.” He begs for you to look at him.
Instead, you look over at the road where vehicles pass. “Nothing to be glad about.” The only reason you haven’t walked away from him is far from you. Maybe you’re still a fool, who will never forget all the things she’s felt, experienced, and gotten from him. What you and Jungkook are or have ever been is beyond you. Beyond the universe's comprehension.
You two were like an experiment or reaction that was never meant to happen, like no way this was possible. Like the Big Bang. Impossible to understand but somehow inevitable. Why? That's your biggest question. What lesson is the universe trying to teach you that they had to drag you into him and his mess, when you had your own? But it did, and brought about the worst and best things in life. And with that, it's hard to decide if it's something you regret or regard as bad. Or if it would’ve been best if it never happened. It's all up to interpretation.
Jungkook dips his head, agreeing. But he mustn’t lie. He really is happy to see you. Maybe he can redeem at least one thing.
December’s sky has always been dark and grey, but this winter, it feels darker. It is darker. And unfortunately, it will always be dark and grey from now on. 'Cause nothing will change, nothing will be better. Your sins will never be forgiven; that’s why December will never be the exciting season it once was.
“I missed you.” He tries to reach, but you turn.
“Don't say that.” Walking past him, you head to the steps. Up the steps, you can’t decide whether to enter the house or sit on the porch. You can’t enter; you can’t. Your hands shake at the thought.
Jungkook follows after you hastily. “Why? Am I not allowed to miss you?”
You don’t know. Can he? You don’t have the answers.
Jungkook has been better than you at a lot of things, but this especially. 'Cause how can he even utter the words? It shouldn’t be so easy; it should feel like hell; it should rip every time you try. A pain so gruesome it alone could kill you. That's why you don't say it back, even though you feel it.
You shake your head. “No, you can’t miss me. We can’t miss each other.” You hate crying, so you don't anymore; you hate feeling, but those things are inevitable today, and Jungkook’s not making that any easier.
“You haven’t been okay, have you?” You can't even hear him over the shattering of glass in your mind.
Like a book, he reads you. And you make it so easy for him to.
You shiver from a cold wind that doesn’t exist, and no amount of hugging yourself makes it better. But you hate, you hate for the life of you that a flash of warmth replaces the cold when Jungkook takes you into him unexpectedly. When he wraps his arms around your frame and you lean your head on him. You hate it. You hate how you can’t feel your tears down your cheeks cause they soak into his clothing. And you hate how at peace you feel in him. You want to hate him and everything. But…
“I’m not okay, Jungkook.” You sniffle, and he pulls you in tighter.
He should’ve been gone by now, but deep down he knew and hoped to see you walk to the house. Had no clue what would happen after, but he hoped to know once he saw you. Does he?
He knows how hard this is for you, much for him too, but the world must be on your shoulders and more. He wishes he could take that away from you and put it all on him, 'cause he for sure knows he’s the one who deserves it. Deserves every ounce of punishment God has to give. 'Cause this was never your fault; it’s all his. And he hates when you cry.
“Everything’s not okay, Kook.”
Flashback
4 years ago
“Yn, what the hell did I tell you about your fucking tin can.”
Your eyes shut in prayer when the voice booms through the break room—a sound that's only after you. You're the first person to ever stand up to him; could be the reason you're a target. Would've been worth it if it had worked.
1, 2, 3, 4, 100 meetings you've had with this man about the way he talks to you guys. And nada—all for nothing. And 'cause he knows you can never quit, he presses until he physically hurts his throat. He's the bane of your existence, to say the least.
But you just let him be. He'll destroy himself one day.
“What?” You snap in between bites of your meal.
He scoffs at your attitude—an attitude that gets him off probably; he looks like the type. Ew, why would you think that.
“Your fucking clunker's in the way of my car, and I need you to move it.”
When it comes to this interaction, you have a lot of things to say, but it would take years to address, so you get to the point. What does he mean your motorcycle's in his way? Your bike's in the garage. You clearly stated that to him when you asked for a day off. But you're not surprised; he probably doesn't care enough to remember if he was even listening to you that day.
You hate to call elders out of their names, but he's genuinely a fool. You're not the only one in the city with a motorbike.
“That's not my bike.” You say, not leaving your food and trying your best to relax. It only infuriates him more. “It's in the shop.”
He laughs at you, mumbling something about firing you. Like he would ever. If he so desperately wanted to, he would've done it all these years.
“Well, somebody's tin can is in my way, and I need you to get it out.” He forces out the words with spit, not even showing a glimpse of shame for accusing you falsely. Shocker. You've experienced your fair share of men like this; it's the universe's way of informing you you're a woman. You laugh. For somebody who owns a café, he's the unchillest person ever.
Your brows furrow, trying to look for sentiment from your colleagues, but they too avoid the conversation. “How do you want me to get it out? It's not my bike.” Honestly, knowing your luck with the gods, if you tried to move the bike, the owner would call you out for robbery.
“I need you to find the owner; use your brain!”
Before you can say anything, another fed-up worker speaks—not to defend, but to just shut this down. “You know just about anybody uses that parking lot; how is she gonna find the person?”
Your boss laughs mockingly—a smile following after. “Look here, kids, I don't care how you do it. Just get it outta my way, or I'll run it over.”
Oh, like you care; you'd love to see that.
“Ask the people in the café.” He says before walking out, his stomach entering the next room before him.
You sit for a second to debrief what just happened with yourself and contemplate on doing it or just ignoring him. He'd be on your neck the next minute, so you irritatedly get out of your seat.
Before you ask anybody, you decide to check out the whole situation, just to be sure there's nothing he's exaggerating. And he isn't; you're hurt to say. The bike is parked in just a way that the rider has to be an idiot or really trying to piss someone off.
Noob, you laugh to yourself. Maybe they're new to riding, but just as you get closer to the bike, you're shut up. A rich noob, you note. No fucking way they're riding a Harley—one that looks modified aesthetically too. You're 100% sure those dark red leather seats and rims are not natural to the bike. Every biker knows how expensive it is to do that.
Holy shit, it's real leather too, you say as your fingers glide over it, like Alice in Wonderland. Touching the bike even more, you wrap your hands around the handles; you fear this was a mistake. And like Persephone, you're bound to this bike and whoever owns it, 'cause you need to know more and experience what it feels like. You could only dream about having one of these.
Flinching at the sound of the car next to you, you realize the owner could mistake your curiosity and admiration as a felony, so you keep your hands to yourself and head back into the shop to find this person. Of course, you take one more look at the bike.
Inside the café, you wonder how you're gonna do this. Do you walk up to each person individually, or do you just announce it? You don't have any of those intercoms, so you'd have to use your sheer voice ability. You laugh at the idea.
It would be weird for you to go up to people and interrupt their time with asking them if they own a motorbike or not. Honestly speaking, just by observing people, you think you can tell whether or not they would own such a motorbike. You ride a motorbike, and you know the stereotypes—which tend to be true most of the time.
You're thinking someone with money, and it shows; they don't flaunt it though. Someone who likes dark colors. Tattoos?
And from looking around, you can tell none of these people own a motorbike.
There doesn't seem to be anybody else in the café that fits your stereotype, so you're forced to just ask. Maybe you're wrong, and you actually do know how to read people. What if that old lady sat by the window knitting actually owns the motorbike? How can you know?
So sighing and beaten, you walk up to the center and you try your best to collect yourself—your breath and your voice. You've never been much of a public speaker; never liked the attention too much. But you can do this.
Just as you're about to speak, the bathroom door opens, and you spot one of the biggest stereotypes in your life: tall guy, tattoos on his hand, black puffer jacket, and black cargo pants. Beautiful dark locks of hair sit atop his head in a style that makes him softer than he seems to be. If the shoe fucking fits.
Feeling confident you've found your person, you hold your breath and walk up to him a little bit embarrassed, because why are you ambushing somebody who is just from using the bathroom? It's very awkward for you.
Your stereotyping pays off when you spot him pull out a key with the logo of the bike on it.
He doesn't seem like the type to park horribly.
“I'm sorry, excuse me.” He almost doesn't notice you're speaking to him 'cause of how fast he's walking. Maybe he knows he parked his bike horribly. But he does stop, and when he does, God, you wish he didn't.
A wave of fear and anxiety wash over you. You've got his attention. Holy shit. Is he gonna cuss you out for stopping and interrupting him? That's how it usually goes, and being your boss's metaphorical ash tray, you've dealt with this many times. And they only ever cuss you out.
You think about telling him it's fine, but then think about your boss's nagging, why risk that when you've already found your guy.
“You were saying something?” He snaps you out of it with a warm voice, one you were not expecting. Holy shit, he's being kind. Nope, it's the calm before the storm.
He can tell something's bothering you from the way he maintains eye contact and you don't.
Oh shit. Speak.
You look at him, and looking at him was a mistake. Holy attractive.
“Sorry again, are you the owner of the Harl—motorbike in the parking lot?”
OMG, you've said it—no stutter, thank God. Feels good to have it off your chest, and him not seeming bothered by it.
This is the best conversation you've had with a man, and it's barely one. When he answers, you almost jump for joy, 'cause your people-watching and theorizing is paying off.
“Yeah. Is everything okay?” You sense worry in the words. And now his eyes are making it seem like his bike got stolen or something.
Okay, you got the first part down; now you just have to—your thought process is cut off by him nudging you out of somebody's way, someone who seems to desperately need the toilet. He scoffs in his breath and mumbles something about the man being careless.
“Go on.” He encourages like nothing, his hand only now moving from your arm, and you know it's not December yet, so you're not that cold, so you have no clue why he feels so warm. Maybe that's just how he is. You're overthinking.
Spit it out.
“Well, your bike's in the way of my boss's car, and he really needs it out of the way.”
The man immediately apologizes like he knew the moment would come. “Oh shit, I'm sorry; let me fix that.” Phew, you're done. But just as he's about to go to it, he looks back at you. “Do you mind getting me a straw and meeting me there?”
“Huh?”
“Thank you.” Is all he says before he's leaving you with a smile, and by virtue of no answer, you decide to do as he says. Maybe this is your chance to ask him about the bike. Finally, the universe is in your favor.
Holy shit, if you only knew, you would've never followed him out there like a fool. Honestly, it felt like an abduction. He abducted you from your safe little world and brought you into his dark and complex one. You were fine without him—that's a lie; you were always better with him.
Walking to the spot, you think of all the questions you can ask him.
Where? How? When? How much? You know you can't afford it; you can barely afford to repay the one you have. But it can't hurt to just know more about the bike.
When you get there, the bike is already out of the way, and he's standing next to it with an oil rag.
When he spots you, he smiles. “You're here.” Is all he says, like he's known you for forever.
“Here's your straw.”
He thanks you and takes it from you. And for a moment too long, you just stand there confused on what your purpose is now. You don't mind being here though; you would prefer this than being inside.
You can just watch him check his bike.
Voice holding in a self-deprecating laugh, he says, “I was in such a hurry I forgot to park it properly.” He checks the oil, fuel, tires. Then he fixes his eyes on you, dark lenses that watch into your soul. Feels like that anyway. A man being kind to you feels like being undressed, weirdly. “I'm glad you're the one who found it and not a cop, unless…” He stares at you with a raised brow, and when you catch it, you laugh, shaking your head with defensive arms up.
“I'm not.” Your hands go into the pockets of your uniform as you watch him hand you his helmet to hold, and he squats next to the bike. Why does holding the helmet feel a little too much for people who just met each other? You ignore it, which you rarely do. “I get it. it happens to the best of us.”
He stands, fully turns his body to you, and nods. Why does he feel taller? “You ride?”
You nod. “Not currently though.”
He shakes his head in pity. “You're missing out.” He jokes.
You look up at the sky to avoid him but regret it when the sun blinds you. It's sad to know it's gonna be gone soon with the transition into winter. You're gonna miss the warmth. And he is right; you are missing out. They say summer and spring are the best seasons to ride in, but you believe fall is the best, and winter the worst, of course. Fall just has the vibe and scenery; it's not too hot and not too cold, and for some reason, you live for the sound of your wheels crunching leaves.
“Don't I know it.” You chuckle, and he's amused by it. “But I'll be back on it soon.”
The lies you tell yourself. You only have $1,000 left in debt, and with your job, you'll be there by December next year. So if ‘soon’ means in a year, then yeah, sure, you'll be back on it soon. You frown.
Silence falls once again, but it's not awkward. The silence is filled with curiosity you're both having with each other. You're both acting like you don't have places to be, like the best place you could be right now is with each other. Not saying anything of significance 'cause it's not needed. The stares and sounds of the city are enough, even though you're strangers.
But you begin to overthink. You should go—
“My name's Jungkook.” Done smiling, he says and stretches out a hand.
You tell him your name as well. And take his hand, and just then a cold wind rushes past, and you can hear the soon-coming December mock your work attire. A basic t-shirt with the café logo, some black slacks, and an apron. The only thing saving you is the turtleneck your boss refuses you to wear. But you're not about to get frostbite for his sake. It's the least you could wear.
Jungkook takes back his hand, and you miss the warmth, so you substitute it with your own hand. “So what kind of ride do you have?”
“Oh, she's an oldie. She has nothing on yours.” You point to his that you both stare at.
You guess you didn't admire it enough before. 'Cause she's a beauty honestly—a dream bike of yours.
“Ya! Don't say that. The oldies are the best.” He scolds you. “You have it with you?”
Jungkook loves old models, even though he might seem superficial for having this one; he does love oldies—a marvel of their time.
“No, actually, it's in the shop.”
“Shame, maybe we could've swapped.”
You brush him off with your hand and roll your eyes.
“You wouldn’t do that. I wouldn't.” Lord, how could you.
“Says a lot about you.”
You raise a brow at him. “What?”
He just laughs and shakes his head, asking you to ignore him. He's getting too comfortable.
Is he freaking reading you? You know that look. He's freaking reading you to filth, and you haven't even read him 'cause you're so distracted.
Wait, you can read him—
“Why aren't you inside?”
Jungkook watches the way you tense up, is that your boss?. looks like a stereotypical boss.
“You asked me to tell him about his bike.” You say like a teenager fed up with her parents telling her to stop hanging out with the neighbor's boy. He's a bad influence. And he surely is, but you're too naive to realize. Or maybe you just don't want to realize.
“And you've done that, go back to work.” He then turns to Jungkook with a soft voice that Jungkook reads as fake. “I'm sorry if she's bothering you.”
Jungkook doesn't respond.
But when he does, it's everything you and your colleagues have tried to say.
“Is that how you talk to your workers? Have some decency. Before I file a complaint.”
Your boss immediately switches colors and chokes bitterly.
“Are you talking to me like that, boy? I've lived so many lives than you, know more than you, and I-I could have your clunker repossessed.”
You watch him in annoyance, like having your dad at prom with a suit that he barely fits in. You're about to tell Jungkook to ignore him when he spits out words you wouldn't dare.
“Shut the fuck up.” The words come out like a melody, and honestly, you never knew he'd be the type to do that.
But it's satisfying nonetheless.
Just as shocked as you, your boss doesn't say anything after. He wouldn’t dare get into a fight with Jungkook; the younger would take him over and under with words only.
Your boss drives off, and Jungkook runs his hands through his hair as he turns to you.
“You okay?”
You have your mouth slightly agape. Words you've never heard.
“OMG,” is all you say. “You just did that.”
“Assholes like him need a calling out.”
“Never thought you'd be the type.”
“Never thought you'd be the type to ride too.”
Yeah, you get that a lot.
“I should get going before he cusses me out telepathically.” You joke, it doesn't land, but Jungkook thinks it's cute. You're cute.
“Wait, we'll go back together; all that cussing's got me hungry.”
You nod, and both of you walk back to the café side by side. And inside, you're immediately met with your coworker tired of working on your half.
Behind the counter, you're already missing being outside; it feels like a dream that you felt relaxed at work.
“So what can I get you?” You say, and Jungkook doesn't even look at the menu 'cause he's had the order in his mind the moment he saw you. Honestly, he was not planning on coming in to eat; he just needed to use the bathroom. Never needed the straw either.
“Get me your favorite.” He seals his request with nods. You raise a brow.
Then nod. “Okay, a water with ice.”
You're about to punch it in when he holds your wrist. He retracts. You're getting too comfortable with each other, 'cause why the hell did that not bother you? Instead, it felt like the world was running electricity through you.
“I'm sorry, but you can't be serious. a water?”
“That's my favorite.” You stare at him, and those eyes that are like if chocolate and coffee had a baby.
He bites his lower lip and leans on the counter.
“Give it to me then. I asked for it.” He surrenders, and the look on his face has you feeling pity.
“A caramel frappe with extra whip and a slice of chocolate cake. That'll be 27.” You punch it in.
He nods, a smile forming, and pulls out his wallet. You've seen many wallets being pulled out, but God, why is it attractive when he hands his card to you.
You're never really scouting for men. But you like to people-watch, and when you do, you have opinions. And when it comes to the men you watch, you've never seen one as attractive as the man in front of you. Too attractive in terms of his face, though he doesn’t fall short there, but attractive in terms of soul, spirit, and personality. It's a wonder to see.
You see a lot of different types of customers that come in to order. And you always note how the men always seem like they're tryna one-up you or tell the menu to you. The type that always want to pretend that their iced frappuccino with extra cream is for their non-existent girl and not them. Like come on, ain't no shame in liking a little cream. Or those that buy straight black coffee, thinking it's manly, and then come crawling to you for a refund. You always laugh behind the counter.
It's those types of things that you always try to pay attention to about a man. It's kind of unfair to judge people like that all the time, but it's just for your personal entertainment nonetheless.
Jungkook seems something else. He doesn't call your order girly like some other men have after asking you the same question to flirt. He doesn’t do that; he sits by the window and genuinely enjoys it with a smile. He's the type of person you want to see in the café more often.
You're used to the sound of the bike by now; December is now in full swing, and Jungkook has been coming to the café almost every day since late October. You're not sure if he enjoys the place or if it's because of you—nope, you're not gonna get it mixed up. The café is a nice place to be at.
You think you might have mastered the sound of his bike in about a week. Clean, groovy, and he lets it hum for about 5 seconds after he parks, 7 seconds on other days.
Maybe you're starting to go insane with the glimmer of attention he's given you. When you pile it all up though, it's more than a glimmer. So you bail yourself out of the guilt jail. It's hard enough to make friends in Seoul, let alone find a man who's not tryna crawl on top of you from the jump.
“I think you should order something else; you're gonna get fat,” you squint, leaning over the counter to whisper to him. “Actually, I kinda see it already.”
He rolls his eyes, laughing, already used to your banter. It's amusing—10/10, best part of his day.
“Lies.” He declares. “Actually, if anyone's getting fat, here it—”
“Don't you even dare, or I'll get you banned.”
His hands go up in defense. “Kidding, you look good, just like always.” He winks at you, and you're shocked at how it doesn't offend you. Maybe you give others a hard time. Or not. Jungkook's just making you delusional. Does he really mean it? Do you always look good? It's a boring uniform, you think, but I guess it's how you carry it.
You roll your eyes at yourself.
“Mhm.” Is all you say, clearly affected by his words and pretending like you're so busy behind the counter.
“But if you've been thinking about getting in the gym, I can be your trainer.” He winks, and you roll your eyes.
You have been thinking about getting in the gym; it's been on your resolution for so long it's getting blurry. The biggest reason you've never gone is 'cause you have no clue what to do there; it's so overwhelming. Tried it once and never went back.
“I'll think about it.”
Before he can respond, a customer walks up to you, almost pushing him aside.
“I ordered a latte with almond milk, and it tastes different.” They yell at you. “Are you tryna rip me off, girl?”
You're confused but shake your head no. You and Jungkook watch the clearly pissed-off woman.
“I used almond milk. Made it myself.”
The lady chuckles bitterly. “Oh, I can tell you made it, honey.” She says in anything but a compliment. “Anything made by a degenerate would taste like this.”
“You asked for the almond milk.” It's a rebuttal she doesn't take kindly to.
“Well, I didn't know it was gonna taste this horrible.”
Jungkook rolls his eyes, not wanting to interfere yet. He can only imagine how much of this you go through every day; hates to see it. How people can be so insensitive to others.
“And that's my fault?” You question, trying your best to sound genuine.
“Yes, you didn't tell me it was gonna taste weird.”
Personally, you don't take almond milk, so how the hell would you have known?
“You can give me your cup, and I'll remake it?” You know her type's gonna drag this out, so you just follow the policy.
“I drank it; I can't give you the cup.”
“You drank it even though you said it tasted weird?” Or you're finding it very hard to—
“Yeah, so what? I want my correct order.”
Jungkook laughs beside her, and you side-eye him to be quiet, 'cause you're gonna laugh too.
“What's so funny? You kids are so disrespectful.”
“Oh my gosh, lady, you clearly liked it if you drank it still.” Jungkook says, still laughing. “Stop bothering her.”
Before she can respond, the manager comes in and takes over the conversation. “What's going on here?” You explain, and it's out of your hands; she gets her refill though, just to keep her quiet.
Your eyes roll and go back to Jungkook. He stands by the side, still close to you but not so much so to show that he's not ordering more, like just chatting with you, which you're gonna get in trouble for one day. You already have your colleagues asking you about him.
“This is what you go through?” He asks, playing with the straws. You shake his hands away.
You chuckle. “Pretty much; it's tiring.”
“I'm sorry.”
You shake your head. “It's fine. You're the only customer who isn't annoying.” You say not thinking about it, but it clearly has Jungkook blushing, or maybe that's the December effect.
“Thank you—customer of the year award?”
“You're not much of a customer.” 'Cause he just comes in, talks to you, or maybe orders stuff. Sometimes you wonder if he's homeless and using this place to shield him from the December chill. That's possible.
“All my devotion, and you're saying I'm not a customer?”
You laugh at his childish whines.
“If you're not buying anything, get out the way.” You tease, failing to hide your smile. He points at the fact that he is in fact out of the way. And there's just something funny about that to you. Yeah, you're definitely losing your mind.
You ignore him, and it seems doing that makes him want to stay longer. But it makes you feel good; no guy has ever given you this much attention, and ever since Jungkook, you've realized you love it. Or maybe hi—
“Let me take you out.”
The words come out at such a random moment; you almost don't register.
“When does your shift end?”
You stare at him, trying to read any foolery. “In 2 hours.”
He nods. “Good, so I'm gonna be back here in an hour, and I'll take you out, okay?”
You don't even bother saying yes or no, 'cause you have no clue which it is you want.
“I said 2.”
“Well, I need at least an hour to annoy you.” He winks. “And then you can finally ride my bike like you've been wanting to.”
Your eyes widen. Was it that obvious? Yes, you've been asking him about the bike the minute he walks in; he was worried that the one you actually want. He's not wrong though; you'd steal his bike the second he lets his guard down with you.
“Cool?”
Gosh, when was the last time you went on a date? Fuck.
“Cool, now out of my way.” You shoo him.
“Can I get a caramel frappe with extra cream though? No cake—not trying to get fat.”
You type it in with a “boy, stop wasting my time, but I'm enjoying it” look.
“You've made me addicted to the drink, you know?” And it's such a wrecking thing for him 'cause now he associates the feeling he gets from the drink with you. And he'll never stop.
-
Unlike what your brain tells you, Jungkook actually shows up, like he sat in the corner one hour before your shift ends waiting for you.
Oh my gosh, this guy. It's either he's genuinely a sweet guy or genuinely a good liar. Because what is this foolery and why are you falling for it?
"Did you get your bike?" He asks as you both finish off the drinks he bought. He takes his and yours and throws them in the trash.
"Uhh no. Not yet." God, your heart hurts thinking about your bike, your poor baby, if they haven't sold her for parts already. And the feeling is only made worse when Jungkook gets to his and gives you your helmet. Your own helmet has been collecting dust.
"Had to get a second helmet for you." He sucks in a breath like spending money hurts him.
And honestly, he thought it was obvious when you two joked with each other, but he's shocked when you say.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I can pay you back for it." You can't.
Jungkook shakes his head. "I'm joking." He grabs the helmet and puts it on for you. Making sure it's on right. When he's done, he pats it playfully, causing both of you to smile. "You really look adorable in this." His eyes don't leave your face; he analyzes every feature of yours the second he gets the chance. He's done it so much he sees your face everywhere. In his dreams, in random shadows, and random abstract shapes or nature. It's madness, one he wants to crawl into.
"I guess I do that sometimes." You do that nose thingy that you've been doing because it's cold, and he's geeking.
"Don't get cocky." He says, putting on his own.
He gets onto the bike and does the routine he does for everyone else.
"Hands around my waist, tight. Legs up here." He pulls your calf up in an innocent action, but your perverted mind just can't let that be. "And back arched."
How have you seriously not read this guy yet? Maybe that way he won't seem perfect to you. You haven’t read him to filth yet, but it's like your mind can't work around him anyway.
"You ready?" He pats your thigh when you don't respond.
"Yeah, I'm ready," wrapping your arms around him and having your legs like he told you and even arching your back, you decide to rest your chin on his shoulder. An action that makes butterflies spawn in him.
It's been a while since you've been on a bike, let alone one where you can just relax while someone does the heavy lifting. It feels great, feels peaceful, feels like everything you missed about being on your bike. And the cold winter wind doesn't even seem to bother you.
You're so lost in the moment that you forget you don't know Jungkook outside the café, and that you're about to find out. How scary is that. How real it feels, feels like you’re crossing an invisible line.
You're snapped back to reality when the bike comes to a halt. And it's like that for minutes, but you really don't wanna let go of Jungkook and move away from his scent. It smells like crawling onto cool sheets after a warm bath from a long day. God, you've been needing one of those. But with this winter and many like it before, your sheets have been cold in the wrong kind of way, your warm showers don't soothe you, and your busy days are constant. You just need a break, even if it's just mental. Something like this, riding on a bike and holding onto Jungkook like a lifeline.
"As much as I'm enjoying, we've got places to be, darling."
You grumble. "Just one more minute."
Jungkook chuckles, and the sound of it makes you sink into him even more. But you do pull away eventually and realize just how cold it is. Holy shit, this has to be the coldest winter. You have a jacket and the full gear on, but the cold seems to be seeping past. All this cold without snow feels like a punishment from the gods.
Jungkook gets off first and makes sure you get down okay too, knowing how relaxed you're feeling. And with it comes a yawn.
"Don't get tired on me."
Walking into the open dining place and finally taking your seats after looking for where to sit. You can finally ask.
"Why'd you bring me here?" Why does he even talk to you? All that you'd like to ask.
Jungkook asks for menus and then immediately gets back to you. "Because I wanna get to know you outside the café, and you said you had a long day."
"Okay, but why? You barely know me."
He likes to think he knows you enough to ask you out. Isn't that how it always happens? You don't know someone, then you get to know them. But he bets your concern is more of an insecurity thing. You seem like someone who doesn't go out much. "Mmm, there's something about you, your eyes." He narrows his eyes and points at yours dramatically.
"What?" You ask, wanting to take them out and check. Do you have something wrong with them? You see yourself in the mirror quite often, and you've never seen anything wrong with them.
Jungkook chuckles and debates on whether he wants to say it. "Your eyes scream for much more, you know. I feel like I have it too. Like you just want more than what you have, you want better."
You can't even say anything because he's reading you to filth. All this, and you can't tell a single thing about him like you do so well.
"And when I found out you were a biker too. That was cool. But it's more about your eyes."
His eyes don't tear away from you even though yours do. He watches you and how they look down a bit too much. Watches the way you rub your nose, your lips, and the way you bite into them anxiously like every thought's running through you at the same time. He's been there, been in that headspace. Only thing that got him out was his bike and moving to the city. And even though he isn’t 100%, he's at least on a clearer path to getting where he wants to go.
"What do you want?" He asks, snapping you back to him.
"Huh? In terms of?" You eye the menu.
He smirks. "What do you want for your life?"
"Oh." You were hoping he was talking about the menu. But it's fine; you can talk about your life and what you desperately desire. You want to lie and say you don't have the answer, but you do, so many of them, but the clearest one's right at your tongue. "I just want my bike back." You can be authentically yourself when you're on your bike. It's like the only thing that gets you and can read you to filth. Well, until Jungkook came along, and honestly, with him you've felt a glimpse of that feeling. So that's what you want. "Maybe it's not the bike in itself, but the feeling it represents."
He nods, not saying much about it, but taking it in deeply.
You both order your food, both ordering something steaming and warm.
As you poke at your food to get started, Jungkook speaks.
"I had a mom who used to hand-make noodles when I was younger, and we'd devour them in the winter." He mellows out, and you listen to his voice over the voices of others and the Christmas carol being sung. For a town that isn't very religious, they do go all out for Christmas. The lights, trees, ornaments, and even a man dressed as Santa walking around casually. It's hilariously heartwarming. And Jungkook smiles too when he spots what you’re looking at. Feels the nostalgia of sitting on Santa's lap as a kid. Back then, he thought the bearded man would grant him everything he asked for, but was soon disappointed to learn that he was just a man. Just like everyone else, and the only person who can grant himself everything is himself.
"But I've never found something that tastes the same; she told me it's a basic noodle recipe, but I don't believe her. Or maybe I'm blinded by nostalgia." He laughs and goes back to eating.
You think about it for a second, letting the vulnerability sink in for a moment.
"I honestly think some things are more than physical." You start, and he's listening to you like gospel. "Because I'm sure the vibe of winter and the care your mother gave to making the noodles added to the flavor of the food. That's why I believe food tastes better when somebody else makes it, because it's you appreciating someone's efforts."
When you're done, you stare at him staring at you, chopsticks down and staring that has you confused about what he's about to do.
"What?"
He then starts clapping loudly, causing people to look at your table.
"Jungkook, what the hell are you doing?" You whisper, begging him to stop. Maybe he thinks you're enjoying it 'cause you're laughing.
"Waaaaa." He continues to clap. "That was inspirational; you should write a book."
You roll your eyes.
"Oh, please."
"That was beautiful, really. I love that." He picks his chopsticks back up and ignores all the people probably whispering about you. "I have a friend who talks like that, Namjoon. He says the most beautiful stuff, but I don't know why I feel heavily moved when it comes from you."
You sip some soup.
"Seems like I might get along with him more." He lifts a brow at you like you just insulted him. "Kidding. I think maybe you don't take him seriously because you’ve been friends for too long and you're taking him for granted."
He shakes his head in defense immediately.
"I am not. There was one time during PE, and I got injured, and it hurt so much I was crying. Tell me why Namjoon came along and was preaching to me about how tears don't determine who you are and that you're stronger than that." He laughs, and you do too, after he lets you know it's fine to. "Like, wrong time, bro; my ankle is out of its socket—I'm gonna cry."
You're laughing like hysterically, and it's music to Jungkook’s ears. There's nothing better than seeing you outside the shop; you seem much more carefree.
"How about you? Do you have any friends?"
Asking you that feels like an attack. Because you don't have much of them. Trying to make friends in Seoul is like trying to count your rice; it's possible, but it's too time-consuming.
"Umm, outside my colleagues, I have only one. We've been friends since birth, and only got physically reunited recently." He nods, and you go on. "My parents moved us out of Seoul for my dad's work and stuff."
"Oh? Where did you move?"
"Busan."
He immediately gasps. "I'm from there. I knew there was something drawing me to you just from the way you speak. You're from my hometown."
You smile, feeling your heart root the idea of Jungkook into your life very hard. It feels so good to meet someone you can talk about home with.
"That's so cool; I guess that's why too."
"You're like my home away from home." His voice drops at that, like he really means it.
And you believe it; it does feel like that. Holy shit, and so fast too. Maybe it's because you both haven’t visited in a long time.
"You planning on visiting your family for the winter?"
You shake your head. "Don't have much time, so no, plus I can't risk skipping any days off work."
You laugh like it's funny. But it's just a pity laugh; your life is so freaking amazing.
He nods.
You're both done with your food by now, and are just sipping your drinks.
"Where did you say your bike was? I know a friend who has a mechanic shop. I can—"
You immediately cut him.
"Oh, no, it's fine."
"I know, but if those guys are drawing out on fixing your bike, I can do something about that for you."
You shake your head. It's sweet, really, but you don't want anybody getting involved in this; it's embarrassing enough. Maybe you should've just saved to buy a car. But cars break down too. And the problem isn't them fixing it, but you paying them for it.
"No, I'm oka—"
You're cut off by his phone ringing; he pulls it out, checks who's calling. You can't tell the look on his face, whether it's a good call or a bad call. All he says is,
"Let me take this; I'll be back." In the most stern way possible.
He's gone for a bit, but there's nothing much to think of but your bike and how embarrassing it will be when Jungkook finds out you're just a broke bitch. He and his Harley are gonna freaking laugh at you.
When he's back, he doesn't sit; he just tells you it's time to go.
On the way, he makes you tell him the shop name, and you do. After that, there's not much you can do to stop him from driving there. You're not shocked he knows it; it's popular, and he looks like the kind of guy that knows every mechanic shop.
Immediately, you're there; you spot your bike—it still looks fine, looks like they fixed it too.
Fuck. Jungkook struts into the place, and you're forced to jog to catch up to him.
"If they can't do it, I'll fix your bike myself."
"Wait, Jungkook." You hold him by his arm to stop him, and thank God it works. "There's something I didn't tell you."
He waits and listens.
"The real reason I don't have the bike is because I can't pay for it." And like bad timing, one of the mechanics recognizes you and calls out your name. Fuck. You wave at him and tell him you'll be right over.
"Really?" Jungkook asks, not looking as upset as you thought he would be.
Gosh, you've never met someone like this. Some guys would be cussing you out just for making them drive you home late at night after a date.
"How much was it?" Is all he asks, and you feel sick thinking about that question.
You run a hand on your neck and whisper, "Like $1,000." His face doesn't change, but in your mind it does, because anybody would make a weird, condescending face at the amount of money. Like, how the hell can you pay that with your lame-ass job? "It's freaking a lot for me right now, and I just—"
"We'll get your bike, Yn." He says, pulling you into a hug. One you sink into immediately. "Come on." He says, turning the hug into hand-holding as you walk into the shop.
"Jungkook, what are you doing? We should be heading the other way." Gosh, it's just so embarrassing to be here.
"I said we were gonna get your bike, didn't I?"
No, he's not. Yes, he is, and yes, he did.
You don't believe he would freaking do that. Why the actual hell? How can he just spend that much money on someone? Oh gosh, you're gonna cry.
"My friend's gonna be coming over with my truck, so we can take these bikes."
He explains he doesn't want you riding it yet because he doesn't trust the people working on it. You don't mind at all; honestly, you can’t ride in your state right now.
When the truck arrives, your jaw’s on the floor. Who the hell is this guy, and why the hell does he have loose money to pay for your bike, a Harley, and this fucking money monster of a truck?
What the hell does he do, or are you dreaming again? Please wake up; it's getting too real.
"Get in." He says, holding the door for you and then getting into the driver's seat.
"The one time you let me drive your truck," his friend laughs, blond locks sweeping with each movement.
"Soak it up; it's gonna be the last." They banter for a bit before he turns to you. Sitting in the back seat. You don't know where to put your hands. "Yn, this is Namjoon, and Namjoon, this is Yn."
"Hi," Namjoon says, and you reciprocate.
"I'm sorry you have to deal with him; must've been torture." Namjoon says to you with a playful smack to Jungkook's arm.
You laugh, knowing you'd get along with Namjoon well. "True, worst time of my life."
Jungkook scoffs as he turns into the main road.
"Worst time? Says the person who couldn't let me go." You roll your eyes.
"Just a coincidence." You say, looking at your bike behind to make sure they are okay, as if anything would happen to them.
"You ride too?" Namjoon asks you, and you nod. "I'll never get you people; don't you like your lives?"
"Riding is life." You say like second nature, and Jungkook celebrates.
"This is why I like you; you just get it." Jungkook says, looking in the rearview mirror and making sure he has a sight of you as he says.
"I'm glad I met you honestly."
Your hands self-soothe as you meet his eyes in the rearview. There's a silence where you should say it back, but you can't—his friend's here, even though he acts like he doesn't care; you can't do it.
"Namjoon, you know she's from Busan." He says like he just discovered something revolutionary.
"I just mostly grew up there." You try to correct, feeling like it doesn't mean much.
"You're still from there," Namjoon says, and you guess so.
Jungkook giggles to himself before saying,
"Like home away from home."
Present
You sit in the café, reluctant to look around—what if someone recognizes you? You've been away and changed, but that doesn't mean you’re better. In fact, you're worse.
“Here,” Jungkook says, bringing your coffee and cakes, and you’re getting PTSD flashbacks. Ones that have you picking at the food. Jungkook settles in his seat across from you. “Thank you for agreeing to talk to me.”
You only hum, 'cause you don't want to decide what you prefer. But during the year, you have thought about whether talking with Jungkook would change anything or make it better.
You sit in silence for a while, until you’re the one to break it.
“I moved back in with my parents.” You sip your drink as Jungkook looks up at you, glad you're saying anything. “In school now too.”
“Oh, where?”
“Some random uni.”
“Are you happy?”
You pause, but then you shake your head, not wanting to think much of it.
“Yeah, I'm happy.” You look at him.
“I’m happy for you too.”
Silence is a recurring thing in this interaction. You both use it as a punctuation mark, a border.
“I took a break from driving.” Your mouth falls at the confession. “The whole year, the bike too.”
The mention of him not riding his bike has you even more shocked. You get it; it's the same reason you moved out of the city.
“I’m sorry,” you console.
He hums something before saying, “Do you still ride?”
“Parents sold my bike.” And that's your breaking point. You sniffle. But Jungkook takes your hand to help you through your tears. Everything. You’ve lost everything this year.
You shake it away with a mocking laugh to yourself, one which Jungkook immediately rebuffs.
“We’ll be okay.” He cups your hand in his warm hands. “Okay?”
So comforting, so sweet. Everything you’ve wanted and needed, even though you didn’t know each other according to societal norms. Like you barely know what he does for work, never cared to ask. 'Cause that’s not what your relationship was about. You believe your relationship is more about feeling than knowing. It's about how much you made each other feel. How you made each other realize you could feel.
And right now, what you're feeling has you thinking about how unfair all this is. You’ll never find anyone that makes you feel what the other makes you feel. So is it fair to say that things will be okay? When your circumstances won't allow it.
You can only hope.
But unchanging, you nod and agree with what he says.
“Okay.”
Why all this, why you? You want to ask him that, but all you can do is stare into his eyes and his into yours.
Flashback
“These snacks taste like cardboard every time,” Jungkook groans, chewing a chip, a slight frown on his face but swallowing it nonetheless.
You giggle, as you take a piece of your own food. A cheap brand chocolate waffle, low quality for sure but good enough.
You've been sitting on your bikes in the parking lot of the downtown gas station. Been here for over 15 minutes using the time to come down from the adrenaline of "racing" each other. Jungkook says you weren't racing 'cause he lost, but you were racing. You never thought your bike could beat his; it's an ego boost. But as soon as you swapped and still beat him, you knew it had nothing to do with the bike, you're just good. Or maybe he's letting you win.
“But you still bought them,” you question, watching him still consume them.
He shrugs. “I guess I’m just hoping they’ll taste good one day.”
You both laugh, one that tells you how hopeless the human mind is. “You can’t really expect much from gas station chips, Kook.” You say the name like it's always been in your vocabulary.
“Yeah, I guess it’s my fault.” He’s not even trying to hide the shame.
You watch the place around you thinking, “I don’t blame you I like disappointment too.”
Your eyes lock as you finish the sentence, almost like you’re insinuating that you expect him to disappoint you too. Honestly, it feels like that’s the pattern of your life. Nothing this good ever really lasts.
So with your eyes you ask him. What is it? Is he gonna disappoint you too?
Instead of responding, Jungkook reaches into the bag of chips, pulls one out, and holds it up to your lips.
“Taste it and tell me what you think,” he says, almost too excited.
You stare at him, eyebrows raised. “You said they weren’t any good.”
He shrugs, his grin widening. “Doesn’t matter what I said.”
You hesitate for a second but take the chip. As it touches your lips, his finger brushes against them lightly. It’s almost an accident, but not really. His eyes stay on yours, a little too intense for comfort.
The taste catches you off guard. It’s not nearly as bad as you thought. You chew and swallow, your brows furrowing slightly as you look at him.
“These aren’t bad,” you say, genuinely surprised.
Jungkook shakes his head, his grin almost teasing. “I guess you do like disappointment after all.”
You nudge him with your dirty boot, mock offense in your voice. “Fuck you.”
You both laugh, the moment light and easy, until something catches your attention.
The sky is dark and grey even though it's afternoon. The type of weather you spend inside your home with the heater on and pretending you're spending it alone cause your husband's out having an affair. That's what it feels like, like a sadness but relief at the same time. Still no snow, wait—
“Oh my gosh, is that a snowflake?” You lean forward, trying to catch it in the air, but end up getting caught up in your own foot. Jungkook catches you though, holds you close to him as your hands grip his jacket for stability.
Or gosh, you're so stupid. How could you—
“Careful,” he warns, his hand staying on your jacket like he’s not quite trusting you to keep your balance.
You feel a little silly, but he doesn’t let go of you for it. Instead, he keeps you close and holds out his hand, and a snowflake lands gently in his palm. You glance at it for a second, before it melts away. Anti-climactic.
Mm, just like everything.
You both stare at his hand like it holds a secret, something sacred in the world. Like the snowflake is a messiah sent to save you but leaves like everyone.
“It’s snowing,” you comment quietly, looking up at the sky. You encourage Jungkook to look, but he can't cause he's looking at you, and he prefers that.
You only realize how close Jungkook is when you glance at him. This is definitely some sort of level 10 invasion of personal space. You're right under his pink-blushed nose, watching how foggy breath leaves his slightly parted lips. His hand on your jacket tightens, like he’s worried you might disappear with the next gust of wind, or maybe you’ll melt with the snowflake. The snow slowly increases.
Clearing your throat, you finally step away.
“Never met someone who likes winter this much,” he marvels at the idea, the playful edge gone from his voice and replaced with one deeper and more sincere, embarrassed even.
You laugh nervously, stepping back a little more, suddenly feeling exposed. “I used to visit my family during this time. Since I can’t now... I guess I used the snow to remind myself of what it was like, you know? It kinda feels like seeing them again.”
It hits you suddenly. You miss home. You miss the people who were never perfect, but they were still yours.
“My mom always hated the snow,” Jungkook says, his voice light. “My dad too... because he was lazy to shovel it.” He laughs, and you join in. “I actually enjoyed shoveling it, though.”
You laugh, a little louder than you mean to. “Probably why you’re so buff.” The words slip out before you can stop them. You cringe inwardly, but Jungkook doesn’t seem to mind.
He smirks, clearly enjoying your discomfort. “You said you needed your bike to visit your family.”
You pause, a little thrown off. He’s right. You had.
“Well, now you’ve got your bike,” Jungkook says, a hint of mischief in his voice. “We should go see them.”
Your eyes widen in surprise. “See them?” you ask like the concept is unfathomable.
Jungkook nods, eyes twinkling, eyelashes catching snowflakes. “Come on, it’ll be fun. I’ll pay for both our gas.”
You suck in a breath, already feeling the nerves bubble up. “You want to travel to Busan with me? Or do you have some ulterior motive?”
“Yes,” he says simply, grinning. “If spending time with you counts as an ulterior motive, then yes.”
You bite your lip, hesitant, but the idea lingers. It's sad cause you've already considered it, but you never thought he would bring it up. A sickening feeling settles in your stomach, your throat, your mind, one thing Jungkook doesn't know is that you already texted your father years ago, but each December, you stare at the text; it feels like it's been sent just then. So instead of explaining it, you just pull out your phone. Confused, Jungkook still takes the phone and reads the first thing he sees.
Mom: Your dad doesn't want you to visit for Christmas anymore. We all don't.
And that's the last text. No explanation and no questioning from you. You just accepted it. Jungkook puts the phone aside and looks at you. Face long.
You turn to him, eyes a little glossy. "I lied to you; that's the reason I don't visit them." You reach to take your phone, but he puts it in his pocket, as if he's protecting you from it.
Jungkook sighs to himself and, trying to clear the air, says, "Well, you lie a lot."
You smack him, and he screams in faux pain.
"I'm not a liar; I just don't wanna be trauma dumping on you."
"You can tell me anything, you know?"
"That's what they all say. Gimme my phone." He ignores the hand that reaches for his phone and instead gets on his bike.
"Follow me."
You have no choice but to, where the hell is this guy taking you.
His place is where he takes you.
It’s a small city apartment. Warm. Quiet in a way that feels intentional, no blinking lights, no Christmas clutter, just soft lamps and the faint hum of the city outside. It feels lived in, but guarded. Like him.
You barely get a chance to say anything about it when his hand is on your wrist, gentle but certain, guiding you to the couch. He sits first and pulls you down with him, not on top of him, not facing him, just into him. And it's like falling into a pile of snow; you never really know how deep it goes.
An embrace. Simple, soft, and firm.
You stiffen at first, not used to the affection, past you would've pushed him away, but of late, you've dropped your guard for Jungkook, more like because of him. Even your own parents have never held you like this.
You want to laugh. You want to comment on his décor. You want to ask why your chest suddenly feels so tight. You want to ask...
“What are you doing?” you murmur.
“Shh,” he says, low and calm like a tide slowly pulling you in to drown you.
He rocks you slightly, like he’s anchoring you to the room, to him. And you do, it's sickening, but you still won't deny.
“I’m not a baby, Jungkook,” you say, breath hitching despite yourself.
“I know,” he answers more sincerely, like he's thinking about something deeper. Your phone in his pocket. Jungkook grew up in foster care; his parents never wanted him, so he bounced around homes, never knowing what stability is. And shit like that fucks a kid up. Your parents not wanting you. But for you, he thinks it's worse 'cause you knew your parents, you grew up with them, you loved them, you knew them, but in the end, it didn't matter, they didn't want you anyway. He's glad he never knew his parents. Whispering into your hair, he says, "You just don’t let yourself rest enough.”
That’s what does it.
You don’t cry, not really, but something inside you loosens, and your head tilts against his shoulder before you can stop it. His hand finds the back of your neck, thumb warm there, grounding. You just stare at him and him at you, trying to undress each other mentally. Trying to read the other.
The kiss doesn’t happen right away.
It comes later, after the quiet settles, after your breathing evens out, after you realize he hasn’t tried to move you once. When you finally lift your head, your faces are closer than you expect.
You hesitate.
He waits.
So you close the distance.
The kiss is slow. Careful. Like a question neither of you is rushing to answer. When his hand cups your cheek, it’s not possessive. It’s reverent. Your hand on his chest is to ground yourself; you don't need to lose yourself into this man anymore.
Your mouths open to let more of each other in. He pulls you onto his lap, his hand not leaving the back of your neck and yours not leaving his chest. You're crying; why are you crying? Is it cause of the way he holds you like he doesn't want you far? Is it 'cause he wants you? Is it 'cause you watched the snow fall with him? Is it 'cause you want him forever?
"I'll always be here for you; I'll always want you." He says between kisses and he swears it as he wipes your tears. Jungkook has never wanted someone or wanted to be there for someone like he does with you. It's more than physical; it's spiritual, it's of the soul. Something predestined and inevitable. Jungkook has never known a home, and he's always tried to search for one, and the moment he gives up searching, he finds it in you. All this searching just for his home to be a person. To be you.
Jungkook holds you like a late snowflake, careful, gentle, and not about to let go anytime soon. Your lips tremble against his, and he calms them with a bite. Your teeth clash with how much you're melting into each other, but it's nothing that can stop. Honestly, nothing can stop you right now. You don't even notice anything outside of this.
After that, things unfold naturally. Soft laughter between kisses. Shared warmth as you eat and as you lay in his bed. The rest of the night disappears behind soft breaths against each other, whispered reassurances, and the kind of closeness that feels earned, not taken.
By morning, you’re still there. Still held.
“Just for the weekend,” jungkook says, both not entirely convinced it’s a good idea.
“I’m gonna need someone to cover my shift,” you say, already thinking about logistics.
-
Present.
“I’ll always be here for you.” “I’ll always want you.”
You’ve battled with yourself if his words were true. You kind of have an answer now, but still you doubt. How is it you're the first person he’s told that? What if you’re next? You should’ve thought about that. You should’ve thought about everything like you always did, but with him your mind numbed. A drunken daze that had you dropping your guard like your panties.
You and Jungkook have left the café by now and are walking down the cold street. Side by side.
You don't pay attention to much of everything else; the city looks the same.
“I miss talking to you, you know.” Jungkook admits, letting everything off his chest. He looks for a reaction but you give none—not on your face, though. And he’s never felt so far from you. He hates the coldness. Not the one caused by December but the one that you give.
He breathes in and sighs before confessing again. Slower and deeper this time.
“I wish you would’ve just hit me,” you freeze when he says it. “Wish you had showed me how upset you were instead of leaving.”
Is he right? Leaving felt like the right thing to do at the time. It's what you wanted to do, were you being selfish?
Finally giving up, you confess as well. “It didn’t feel as good as I thought it would.” You finally lift your head to look at the sky. Messages from the clouds would be so nice right now.
“Do it.” Jungkook says, pulling you into the side of the road, and pulling your hands to your chest.
“Jungkook, I can—”
“That’s all I have ever wanted to hear, how upset you are with me, how much you hate me. If there's anything I need more than anything is for you to tell me how much you hate me right now.”
You can't say you don't 'cause you do, but you hate yourself too. So you don't think it's fair to just throw words at him.
“Just tell me. Please.”
You can’t, but he begs. You can—
“I hate that you lied to me, I hate that you paid for my bike, I hate you for talking to me, that was very stupid of you. And I hate you for every existence, I wish you die—” You stop yourself before you finish, 'cause you didn't mean it, and you look into his eyes to tell him that but he's already accepted it.
His head droops and you hate yourself for even saying anything but he cuts your thoughts off and looks at you. Through dark warm brown eyes you remember are dark, yes. But empty. Cold, lifeless.
“It’s okay. You’re good,” he reassures before saying. “I wish I died too.”
However, he did experience a little of that death. First when it happened and second when you left.
And unfortunately not even death could save him from the torment.
Flashback
Christmas finds you at Ryujin’s house, wedged in her dining table chair while her mom moves around the kitchen like a woman on a mission. Every time either of you tries to help, she waves you off with a firm, “Sit, sit,” as if assistance would personally offend her.
So you sit there and suffer under Ryujin’s stare.
She’s watching you with that familiar, menacing little smile, the one that means she knows something, or thinks she does.
“What?” you ask finally.
“Spill it.”
“Spill what?” You frown at her.
“Who you’re seeing,” she says easily. “You’ve been busy lately.”
You laugh as if offended she would think that. Like, who does she think you are to fall for a man? Pfft. “Nobody,” you say too quickly, and you have to lie that it's a coincidence the image of Jungkook pops up in your mind. “I’m just busy with work.”
“Mmm, really?” She hums, unconvinced.
You nod anyway. It doesn’t help. But she lets it go for now.
“In that case,” she says brightly, “I have someone for you.”
You shake your head immediately. “Not interested.”
“Come on, Y/N. How else are we supposed to go on double dates?”
“Double dates?” You blink. “You don’t even have a boyfriend.”
And then you see it—the look on her face. Subtle. Triumphant.
“…Wait,” you say slowly. “You have a boyfriend? Since when?”
“I’m not telling,” she says, smug.
“Don’t worry, Y/N dear,” her mom chimes in from the kitchen. “She doesn’t want to tell me either.”
“I was gonna invite him today, but I changed my mind.” Ryujin shrugs. “Just know that I like him. He likes me. He’s sweet, handsome, and we’ve been together since July.”
Since July? Wow, she's really keeping secrets. So you guess it's fine that you're hiding Jungkook too.
“I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“You will,” she says calmly. “In time.” She jeers, and you both laugh.
Her mom sets the last dish on the table and claps her hands together. “Okay, girls. Let's pray and eat.”
And so Ryujin prays, and though you've never been religious, you always pray when you're here, and it is weirdly comforting. But you think it's because of the hope of it all and not because shit happens when you pray. After the prayer, Ryujin shoots you one last look,’this isn’t over’,and you sigh, picking up your fork, already bracing yourself for the inevitable.
The food is amazing as usual, and you make sure to let Ryujin's mom know. Working at the café, most of your meals are not homemade, but it's free, so that's good enough for you. But they can never replace that feeling of eating home-cooked food by a mother. You get Jungkook now. You don’t think you’ll ever forget Christmas meals. Ryujin's mom asks you about life and how everything's going, you know, like a mother would ask, and you let her in on everything, except Jungkook. And she nods and gives you advice, but it's not anything condescending or secretly malicious.
"I still think you could go back to school, get a degree and all that; there are a lot of scholarships for that, dear."
You nod, starting to play with your food.
"Yeah, I know; I've been thinking about it. Maybe next year."
"As soon as possible, darling. I just don't want to see you working that job forever; do they even pay you well?"
You shake your head, and she cusses.
Ryujin immediately chimes in with a query she's had. "By the way, how'd you pay for your bike?" She asks innocently, but you react anything but that.
Your hands immediately tuck under the table.
"Took out a loan."
Ryujin immediately grumbles. "From the bank?" When you nod, she frowns. "Yn, I told you to take a loan from me; it'll be less demanding."
"Yes, but I don't want a loan to come between us. Have you seen what it does to people?"
Ryujin just shakes her head.
"You're so stubborn." She says, and dinner goes on.
At the end of dinner, your phone buzzes against your thigh just as Ryujin’s mom starts clearing plates.
You turn it over to check, and your heart immediately speeds up.
Jungkook: Come over. I'm cold.
You stare at the screen longer than necessary, heart giving itself away before you can stop it. And kind of embarrassed that the text moved you.
Ryujin notices immediately.
“You’re smiling,” she says, suspicious. “Who is it?”
“No one,” you lie automatically, already hiding your phone and pushing your chair back. “I—uh—there’s something I need to do.”
“At night?” she asks, raising a brow.
You grab your jacket. “I’ll text you.”
She watches you wear your boots, eyes sharp, following you all the way to the door. When you glance back, she’s still standing there, arms crossed, like she’s trying to memorize the moment.
"Thanks for another wonderful Christmas. I love you guys." You give a small bow before they say it back to you.
“Be safe,” her mom calls gently.
“Always,” you say, though you’re not sure that’s true.
The snow has thickened by the time you’re on your bike. Heavy. Quiet. The world feels muted in many ways, like it’s holding its breath with you.
Streetlights blur, and the cold seeps through your gloves. Still, you ride faster than you should.
Because it’s Jungkook.
Because it’s always him.
When you pull up to his place, parking where you always do, snow clinging to your lashes, you find that he’s already outside. Hoodie. Beanie. Hands shoved into his pockets like he’s been waiting longer than he’ll admit.
“You’re crazy,” he says softly as he pulls you into him instantly, brushing snow from your hair.
“So are you,” you reply, pressing your nose to his. It's so hard not to smile with him.
Inside, the warmth hits you all at once. The door barely clicks shut before his mouth is on yours, slow at first, like he’s checking if you’re really here. Then deeper. Hungrier. Gloves discarded. Jackets forgotten.
You don’t make it far before he's pulling his shirt off and then yours. Your hands trace over his tattoos, fascinated and proud that you stereotyped him quite well.
"Why'd you get them?" you ask, staring at the tattoos and then back to him. And gosh, if you weren't so cute, he'd be so mad you're interrupting him to ask about his tattoos. "Do they have meanings?"
He kisses your neck and only when he's done does he pull away to answer.
"A couple do." He says, and already sensing your next question, he says, "I'll tell them to you later."
You laugh at the way he knows you. He kisses you slower after that, savoring the taste of your lips.
Time blurs after that. The snow outside. The heat between you. His hands grounding you like the world can’t touch you here.
At some point, his phone buzzes.
He ignores it.
Buzzes again.
Ignored.
Later, much later, when you’re tucked into his side, your cheek on his chest, his fingers tracing lazy lines along your arm. The room is quiet except for your breathing.
His phone lights up again.
This time, he sighs and reaches for it, a little irritated. You have no clue who could be calling him this much; all you can think of is Namjoon, 'cause that's all you know of him. You don't know much else about Jungkook, just like he doesn't about you. But at least he knows where you work.
“Sorry,” he murmurs, kissing your temple before leaving the room to answer the call.
You watch his face when he comes back, trying to read him and not put too much into this. Even though Jungkook has broken your walls, you still have a little fence up for security, and this is the type of shit it's meant to detect.
He comes back in calm. Casual. Too practiced.
When he sets the phone down, you don’t look away. You stare at its black screen and at him.
“You gonna tell me who that was?” you ask lightly, though your chest feels anything but.
He hesitates, just a second, then exhales.
“Work,” he says. “My manager’s covering a shift tomorrow. Keeps forgetting details.”
You search his face. He looks tired. Real. Annoyed, even.
“Oh,” you say quietly. “Okay.” You want to ask what he does for work; he said he had a manager, but he pulls you closer, and into a kiss that has you forgetting your own name.
“Don’t overthink,” he whispers. "Let's not think." Kisses your forehead and lips like it’s a promise to make you stop thinking. And it's working.
You nod against him, letting yourself believe it, for now, while the snow keeps falling outside, steady and unforgiving.
-
Present day
Pretending has been a huge part of your relationship. To the point that it's hard to determine what's true or not. Whether you genuinely feel it or you just want to feel it 'cause it's the closest you’ll get to it.
Whatever it is, are you willing to pretend for the rest of your life, or any longer?
“People get through this, you know?” Jungkook informs you as you walk across the bridge. You can't help but get an unsettling chill when you stare at the frozen lake under. You haven’t swum since. You miss it.
People do get through it. You’ve seen it. But honestly, how far through it can you go? What if everybody's pretending too?
Jungkook isn't even sure too; it's just something he’s trying to believe and hoping to convince you too.
Nevertheless, you’ll probably keep pretending, 'cause not pretending means wanting Jungkook and immense guilt. 'Cause…
“But I’ll never forget. And that's enough to make me unhappy.” You pause by the edge of the bridge and stare down.
“Yn,” Jungkook holds onto your jacket, and you chuckle and walk away from the edge.
“I don't want to be happy anymore, Jungkook. I don't care. I don't deserve it.” You give a weak smile. “I’ve tried to be happy, Kook, but it doesn't even last long until I feel like shit again.” You rub your arm.
“It’s not linear.” He walks closer to you. “You’ll be happy then sad, then happy again until you can finally be happy.”
You look up at him, and it's like that's what it takes to give up the facade. His eyes. His attention. His comfort.
Your face drops, so do your shoulders, and he’s there to catch them.
You shake your head to cover the tears as you say, “Everything just feels like pretend, and I don't want to feel that way.”
“I know.” He immediately pulls you into a hug. “I’ll fix this.”
You grip his coat, sinking into his warmth and allowing yourself some peace in a while.
“I just want everything back like it was.” It's a bold statement to make when things even before were not as great, but he gets what you mean.
“I wish things were better too. Wish we had time.” He whispers into your hair. He holds you tighter. “To get to know each other more.”
Which is funny 'cause even in all that little knowledge, Jungkook was your everything. The only thing.
“A chance to fix it at least.” You're the one who says it, and it causes Jungkook’s heart to flutter 'cause that's all he wants. But when he stares into your eyes, he’s saddened because your declaration is just a mere wish.
Even though you could, he doesn’t see any intention from you. Just mere desire and hope, 'cause you’ll never let yourself be happy again.
-
Flashback
It's the next year's December, and not much has changed. Well, in terms of your life, when it comes to you and Jungkook, you have changed. A lot. You're closer, whether that be physically or emotionally. And even though you don't spend every day with each other, you're often together. He still comes to the café like an addict.
You feel like the December has changed as well, or maybe it's the same and it's the person viewing it who's changed. Hmph. You have changed, haven't you? Because never in your years of life did you think you'd want a man so close to you that you could merge. Past you would be so disappointed.
You and Jungkook are in the kitchen finishing off some cupcakes you made with icing. You never grew up with parents who liked to bake or taught it, but working at the café, you've learned one or two things.
You lick the icing off your fingers, and Jungkook can't help but be obsessed with the most mundane things you do. He just wants to wrap his arms around you and stay attached to you as you move around. And he does. It's quiet for a moment as you sink into his love and affection—the kind of quiet that only exists when two people have grown used to each other.
Ah, and then you remember.
"I'm going on a camping trip for a few days," you say casually, eyes fixed on the one cupcake that can't be arsed to look good. "So I don't think I'll see you for some time."
He tucks his head deeper into your neck. "Camping? In December?" he says against your neck, causing you to giggle from how it tickles.
"Yeah," you shrug. "It's actually fun. We should try it sometime." So comfortable that you're making plans to spend more time together. Lol. What's next, meeting his family?
He smiles at that. Easy. Familiar. "You should invite me to this one."
You suck in a dramatic breath before you can stop yourself.
"I really can't do that."
His smile falters. Just slightly. "Why?" He pulls back slightly to take a look at your face.
You finally pull away from him, knowing what you're about to say—it makes sense that the room feels a little too crowded. And even though you like to ignore it, your relationship with Jungkook is crowded with many questions and things that haven't been discussed. You try to speak, but suddenly, the words feel heavier than they should.
"Because you're not my boyfriend," you say carefully, not wanting to meet his gaze. "And I don't want to confuse my friends with… whatever this is."
Jungkook raises a brow. "Whatever this is?" he echoes, amused. "Baby, this is a relationship." He moves into your space.
"Well," you counter, meeting his gaze now, "you haven't asked me to be your girlfriend. So you're not my boyfriend."
The room goes quiet. He studies you for a moment, like he's a machine researching for data on what to do now, like he didn't realize this was the line you'd drawn. Then he laughs softly, shaking his head, dark locks moving, and you just want to run your hands through them.
"You're serious," he says.
"Dead serious." You place your hands on the counter.
He leans back, running a hand through his hair. "So what, you need a title?"
You scoff, but he's asking genuinely. "I need clarity," you correct. "Those are different."
You're starting to get upset—is this the foolery you should have been searching for? He looks at you again, this time more openly. Less playful. Something thoughtful in his expression.
Jungkook doesn't laugh. He just stares at the floor like the moments you spent together are replaying in his mind, and he realizes some important thing slipped past him. When he looks up again, his expression is different, less certain, more careful.
"…I thought," he starts, then stops. He exhales and rubs the back of his neck. "I thought it was obvious."
You tilt your head. "Obvious to who?"
"To me," he admits. "And that's on me." He realizes the selfishness in that. Which makes you wonder who this relationship is even for. Are you two together for each other or yourselves? Does it serve yourselves or each other? You hate to think about it; you don't want to. This whole thing was so sudden you didn't get to set your goals and expectations, and now you're reaping it in the form of confusion and uncertainty. And the fear that maybe, just maybe, you and Jungkook are just a December thing.
The words land heavier than any joke ever said.
"I've never really… done this right," he continues. "I didn't realize I was asking you to live in the in-between."
You feel your throat tighten, but you stay quiet. Letting him finish.
"I'm sorry," he says, finally meeting your eyes. "I should've asked. I should've made it clear."
He shifts closer, not touching you yet, like he's giving you space to pull away if you want.
"I don't want confusion," he says softly. "I want you. Properly."
Your breath catches.
"So," he adds, voice stable now, "if you're still willing… will you be my girlfriend?"
The question is simple. Earnest. No teasing. No shortcuts.
You smile before you can stop yourself, something warm and relieved breaking across your face. And if you've ever been given the chance to prove to the universe that you're actually good at reading people and you're not a fool, it's this time. And whether you pass or fail is up to the universe to decide.
"Yeah," you say. "I'd like that."
His shoulders relax instantly, like he's been holding something in for months without realizing it. He lets out a quiet laugh, shaking his head.
"God," he murmurs. "I really should've done that sooner."
You lean into him this time, and when his arm comes around you, it feels different—not heavier, not tighter, just certain.
He kisses you. No, you kiss him. You give him everything you've said and promised to never give a man.
You've been trying to detect foolery from the wrong person. _
The camping site is quieter than you expected. But it should be, 'cause you plan on relaxing here. The snow dusts the ground in thick patches; all the trees are bare, tall, and have branches that go every which way. They stand like patient witnesses. You wonder how much they've witnessed, they've been here for years, so you assume a lot. It's beautiful. And just know that Jungkook would love to hear what you think they've seen; he would have theories of his own too.
Ryujin drops her bag with a grunt and looks around, hands on her hips.
"Okay," she says. "Not bad."
You weren't stupid to go camping just the two of you; you have some of Ryujin's friends with you. Though you don't talk much to them. Maybe that's why you don't have many friends. It's your fault.
You unzip your backpack and crouch, already regretting the tent situation. "You said you knew how to set this up." You say, staring at the tent.
"I do," she says confidently. Then pauses. "…Mostly."
You snort and sit back on your heels. "We're gonna freeze to death before we finish." You hear one of Ryujin's friends say that they're gonna get a fire going; you watch as she agrees.
You read the instruction manual, and you've been at it for some time now.
"It's fine," she waves you off to stop bothering with the tent. "My boyfriend's coming later."
You blink and look up at her. "He is?"
"Yeah. He's bringing the stuff I forgot to buy," she says, already pulling her phone out. "Blankets. Extra food. The heater thing."
"You planned this?" you ask, incredulous.
"I strategized." She grins. "Didn't you say you wanted to meet him?"
You guess so. And now you have to wait.
After a while, the tent is half-standing from your efforts, in a way that feels insulting, and you finally give up. You carry mugs down to the lake instead, the surface glossy and still. How do the fishes survive? Snowflakes fall on the surface of the water and melt, then freeze again to form the thick ice.
You sit shoulder to shoulder with Ryujin on a fallen log, steam curling into the cold air.
"Life feels weird lately," Ryujin says suddenly. "But like in a weirdly good way, like it all feels wrong but right at the same time."
You hum in agreement. "Yeah. Like you're not sure you should be enjoying it." You stare into your cup.
She nudges your knee with a cheeky grin. "You thinking about him?"
You don't deny it. Just laugh it off. She takes a sip of her drink.
"You've been in love before, right?"
Ryujin nods. "Many."
You laugh and glance at her. "How did you know?"
She thinks for a moment and chooses not to tease you about it. "It stopped feeling like guessing. I didn't feel like I was auditioning for something. It just felt easy. Seeing each other was easy, saying I love yous was easy, and fighting was easier too. Making up was even better."
You both laugh before you swallow, staring at the falling snow.
"It felt… calm," she continues. "Even when things were messy."
That sits with you. The way Jungkook looks at you when you talk. The way he listens. The way he asked, properly.
"Sometimes I wonder," you say slowly, "if maybe it's just about feeling chosen."
Ryujin smiles softly. "Exactly."
Her phone buzzes, and you both stare at it.
"Oh… he's close," she says, standing. "Finally." You can see the smile that grows on her face.
You pull your phone out instinctively, thumb hovering over Jungkook's name. You think about texting him something small. I wish you were here. Or maybe, I miss you. Or I love you.
"So your boyfriend, do you love him?" You stand as well.
She smiles. "Wouldn't be bringing him over if I didn't." Ryujin straightens suddenly before you can think anymore. You were really enjoying the chat; it's one you've never had with her. And something that has you genuinely thinking about your feelings.
"Hey," she says brightly, lifting her hand to wave over someone. "Over here!"
You look up to see who she's talking to, and the world tilts.
Him.
Jungkook steps out of his truck and into view through the trees, bundled up in a puffer jacket, duffel bag slung over his shoulder like camping is nothing new to him. Snow clings to his dark hair. His breath fogs the air.
Unmistakable. Real. Here.
"Y/N," Ryujin says, turning toward you, completely unaware. "This is my boyfriend—"
You look away before she can finish. Somehow your phone slips from your hand, but you catch it, screen still lit with his chat open. You're fine until suddenly, the cold feels very, very sharp and wet. No, it's not the cold—the cold doesn't fill your lungs; that's water.
You fell into the lake, and you didn't even realize. If it wasn't for instinct, you would've let yourself drown.
That's what you deserve, for falling for such a man and still thinking about him in your last moments.
Ryujin screams, and Jungkook breaks ice with his fist to try and reach you. But you're moving too fast and away. Blood mixes with the icy water that he doesn't feel.
He doesn't even hear Ryujin beg for him to do something, even though he's doing everything.
Eventually, he reaches you and pulls you out. And you're unconscious, and you could've fooled him 'cause you look so at peace, like you do when you're laying with him.
-
Present day
You watch the groups of different types of people that walk by. Boyfriends with their girlfriends, husbands with their wives and children. All stages of love. You force a smile, happy for them. Life is so unfair, but yet still fair in its unfairness.
You might envy a relationship and call foul on how you don't have that, but how sure are you that what you need or even want can be found in there?
Who are you to think that everything you need, want, and deserve is in Jungkook? Who are you kidding, He was everything to you. He was your one month in a year and soon became all twelve.
Maybe that's where your foolishness comes in. How can you fall for the first thing that shows up? What if you need to go out and look for more? Jungkook isn't the end all be all of love. Maybe someone out there can give you that and more.
You stare at him, curious as he watches people as well, but when they turn to you, you look away.
But honestly, you don't want anything other than him. You don't care if there's more out there; you want him and everything he can give. But…
You can't have that.
"Why are you punishing me?" Jungkook starts, shutting your mind and mouth. "Why are you punishing yourself?"
You know what he's referring to: a couple just walked in front of you. And it seems you were both thinking the same thing.
You scoff. "You're one to ask."
"You know what I mean."
"No, I don't, Jungkook. I don't know what anything means," you stand. "Especially when it comes to you."
He reaches out, but you move back.
"I've known you for years, but I feel like I know you less and less."
"You do know me."
"Holy shit, Jungkook, you didn't tell me about—ugh—and you expect me to trust that I know who you are?"
"I know what you're feeling."
"No, you don't, because if you did, you would let me go without the guilt."
"Me? You're feeling guilt because you still love me." He declares. "It only gets stronger. I know, because I still love you."
-
Flashback
Jungkook is halfway through an apology about traffic when his eyes drift past Ryujin.
And then he stops.
At first, his brain refuses to place you. You’re just a shape near the lake, bundled up, familiar in a way that doesn’t make sense here. The cold must be messing with him, he thinks. That, or exhaustion.
Then you shift.
Just slightly. Enough for him to catch the line of your jaw. The way your shoulders sit when you’re trying not to be noticed.
His chest tightens.
No.
No, no, no—
“—and I brought the extra blankets,” he finishes absently, words leaving his mouth on autopilot as his focus locks onto you.
You don’t look at him.
That’s when it hits.
You’re here.
Not a coincidence. Not a trick of the December light. You...standing by the lake, arms folded tight like you’re bracing against more than the cold.
His grip tightens on the duffel strap.
Oh.
Everything rearranges itself in his head with a sickening clarity.
Ryujin turns, smiling, completely unaware. “Y/N, this is—”
He doesn’t hear the rest.
Because you look away.
And that hurts more than surprise ever could.
The snow starts falling heavier then, like the universe is deciding this moment deserves a soundtrack.
He swallows, heart pounding, not with guilt exactly, but with the realization that something fragile just slipped into a place where it can’t be ignored anymore.
He hadn’t expected this.
But standing there, seeing you like this...too close and impossibly far at the same time, he knows one thing with absolute certainty.
Whatever this is now…
It’s going to matter.
He can’t have any other thought when he watches you slip on some rock and break through the ice and sink fast.
It's second nature after that.
-
The hospital smells like antiseptic and overheated air. It's just too strong or he's just so weak right now that everything affects him.
You sit propped up against white pillows, hair tangled, skin pale but alive. A nurse has just left, the door swinging softly behind her.
Jungkook and Ryujin sit by a bench right outside your room, hands clasped too tightly together.
“Thank you for helping her, baby,” Ryujin says quietly. Jungkook nods. “I don’t know what I would’ve—”
“Hey.” He cuts in gently. “It’s okay. She’s okay.”
He says it like he needs to hear it too.
Ryujin turns her head toward him. “Is your hand okay?”
He glances down at the bandage and shrugs. “It’s fine. Go check on her first.” He tries not to look at anything, cause then he'd realise that this isn't a dream.
When Ryujin walks into the room, you think your blood pressure drops but it's just your heart. “You feeling alright?” she says with that sweet voice.
You exhale a weak laugh. “Sorry for ruining the trip.” you say instead.
She shakes her head immediately. “Don’t even bother. We can camp anytime. This doesn’t matter.” There's a silence before she says. "Plus it was just an excuse for you to meet Jungkook." She confesses.
You watch each other for a second, then you sigh. “They’re saying I might have pneumonia.” You say dryly before adding. "That shit kills you know."
“That’s not funny.” Ryujin says, setting herself next to you. You flinch when she touches your arm, like she can sense it's the place Jungkook’s touched and kissed. All those places burn under her gaze, an innocent and unknowing gaze.
“Hey,” she says sharply. “Don’t talk like that.” She rubs your arm and you want to cry. You could've really died huh, you can still feel the cold icy water in your lungs, even though it's probably just a placebo
"I need you here you're my best friend. " she confesses and you wipe a tear off yourself. She does the same to her own.
You sniffle. “Thank your boyfriend for me, okay?” She give a faint smile. “He seems like a keeper.”
Your throat tightens talking about it.
“He is,” she continues, proud. “See? I told you.” Then, after a beat says, “But I think you should tell him yourself.”
She calls for him and he immediately walks in. His shyness not matching the broad and tall nature of his frame. It's odd seeing him like that, like the life has been drained from him.
You're not sure if the hurt from breathing is from your lungs failing or from all this.
Same jacket you've seen in his closet, same face, same everything, it feels like the universe is playing a joke on you that isn’t funny enough to laugh at.
“Y/N wants to talk to you,” Ryujin says softly smiling, not even a tiny bit aware. You know that's a good thing.
You huff out a weak chuckle that turns into a vapid cough halfway through. “Not much to talk about,” you mutter after you're done. When you look up everyone is staring at you like you just said something inappropriate. But you soon realise it's the cough. You're coughing blood. You brush it off and note to tell the doctor.
“Take it easy.” Ryujin says scared as hell, the last time she saw someone cough blood was just before her dad died. It was yours too and now it's your turn.
You nod, swallowing. “I just… wanted to say thank you. For saving me.” you say to Jungkook.
He shakes his head, noble. “No problem,” he says, too quickly. Too carefully. "I'm just glad you're okay."
Are you okay? No and you're sure he knows that.
“I’ll be back,” Ryujin says, already slipping out to get something from Jungkook’s truck.
The silence she leaves behind is unbearable. It's cold and you could cut it with an axe. Feels like being frozen in a block of ice, frozen next to Jungkook.
Jungkook stands at the foot of the bed and doesn't say anything until...
“I didn’t know,” he says finally. Not defensive. Not angry. Just honest. “I never knew you two were…”
You nod, eyes fixed on the floor. “I didn’t know it was you.”
Another pause.
“I should’ve told you,” he adds quietly. “About… there being someone else.”
Everything clicks then.
You swallow. “I should’ve asked more questions.” you really should have, cause nothing ever happens just for your happiness, the universe isn't your friend like that.
He shakes his head once. “No. That one’s on me.” not everything can be on him and you wish he could just blame you for something as well.
You glance up and he looks exhausted. Not performatively guilty. Just disappointed in himself.
“I never meant for things to get this far,” he says. “With her. I didn’t think they would.”
“You’ve been with her longer, Jungkook.” you say taking a lot from your lungs.
It isn’t an accusation. It’s a realization you both can’t ignore.
That’s the worst part.
Ryujin’s footsteps crunch faintly somewhere down the hallway, close enough to be an escape. Neither of you takes it.
“I care about you a lot Y/N,” he says finally. “I just didn’t realize I was—”
You cut him off with the tears that come on their own. They don’t fall neatly. They break, they consume, they burn and freeze at the same time. You've never been a loud crier, and you never realized how good it felt.
“You should’ve just let me die, Kook.” You say between sobs thinking about the severity of the situation. The words leave your mouth before you can stop them. You’re crying for too many things to separate, betrayal, guilt, relief, longing, shame. Love, want, need. You need Jungkook, you want him to hold you, and tell you everything's gonna be okay, and that he's gonna be there for you. That's what you would do on any normal given day, but not today, because he's the reason for your tears.
“Hey‐no.” He steps closer, panic in his voice. “Don’t say that.” You sob.
He doesn’t touch you, like he knows he doesn’t have the right. Not right now.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, voice breaking. “I really fucking am. This is my fault. Not yours. It was never yours.”
You don't want to believe it. That’s the problem. Because if you believe it things will never be the same. They can’t be.
And still…you want them to be.
-
Present day
The hike up the hill is wet with snow. Branches crack under your steps, and each snap feels like bringing attention to the situation. It feels like the birds, trees, stones, and earth judge and condemn you. Fuck, you thought there would only be one reason to make you visit here difficult. Foolish thought.
“You okay?” Jungkook asks. You nod.
Well, sort of nod. In between a nod and a shake of your head.
Cause what the hell are you doing here? And how the hell did you both find yourselves here? Of course, a decision and a ride in his car did, but who the hell thought it would be a good idea? Not like last time was any good. In fact, that was the day you had decided, and now a year later you’re brought back to decide again. You feel sick, no, you are sick.
You and Jungkook walk through the snow, feeling like you know the place more, you take the lead and walk fast trying to get this over with. You don't want to cry. Only good people get to cry.
You were sure Jungkook was following right behind you, but from a quick check into the snow behind you, you find that you’d been walking alone for a while. In searching, you spot Jungkook on his knees, fist digging into the snow. Your heart falls, now you’re gonna cry for sure.
“Jungkook,” you say rushing to him. When you get close, you hear him cry. You don't say anything.
He sits up on his heels and looks up to you like in prayer. He prays all this grief crushes him and kills him.
You walk closer, shocked to see him so broken and beaten up. You thought he was dealing with it better than you. But that was selfish and harsh to think that. He did lose.
There’s no winner in this game with grief.
You touch his hair, and his arms immediately tighten in the soil. Tears fall down your cheeks.
“I can’t do it,” he pleads. “I-I can’t.” He weeps and begs like you can do anything about it.
“We’re already here, Jungkook. No point in turning back. We’ve always been here.”
It's only fair that you both stay trapped in this place for life as well.
-
Flashback
You tried to stop, you really did, for the whole year, but there's just something about December. You’re bewitched to want him during this cold and dark month.
You step back first.
“We should stop,” you say, even as your fingers curl into his sleeve, not wanting him to go.
He nods immediately. “Yeah.”
Neither of you moves though.
His hand drops from your waist—and then they stay there, hovering, like they don't know where else to go. Your breath catches. You hate that it does. You hate yourself.
“This isn’t fair,” you whisper.
“I know,” he says, just as quietly. Getting closer.
You pull away another inch. He lets you. That’s the worst part, that he lets you, he’s trying too. But when you look up, he’s already looking at you.
Still here. Still soft. Still you. Still yours and you still his.
Your attempt at strength cracks in the silence.
He exhales your name like he’s bracing himself, like saying it might steady him. It doesn’t.
“I don’t want hurt anyone,” he says.
“It's too late for that, don't you think?” you reply, and you don’t know if that’s true or just what you need to believe.
When he leans in this time, it’s slower. Careful. Like he’s giving you every chance to leave.
You don’t.
And when his forehead rests against yours, both of you breathing too hard, you realize this isn’t about desire at all.
It’s about how hard it is to let go of something that still feels like home. Something you're still so attached to that distance can't solve and can only happen in December.
-
Ryujin had invited Jungkook to a Christmas party one of her friends was having. It's the 4th December since you've known Jungkook, and you can feel the difference as you both try to fight through.
The party is going alright; you barely talk to anyone, let alone Jungkook. Jungkook too doesn't seem to like the idea of socializing. You're just there, sat so close but so far away.
Just before midnight, Ryujin pulls Jungkook under a mistletoe, one directly in your view, and you can't help yourself but look. Jungkook looks at you. You look away.
Ryujin’s hands are on Jungkook’s chest, and on her tippy toes trying to kiss him, and he hates it but he doesn't want to. He's been thinking about it, breaking up with Ryujin of course. And heaven knows what has kept him from doing it. Maybe it's the illusion of having more time.
But he’s gonna do it.
Ryujin scoffs and pushes at his chest. "I don't know what the hell is up with you? Why won't you kiss me?" She whines so close to his face, and he can tell how much she's drunk, not too much but enough for her to finally speak out her mind. "I think you're cheating on me."
Jungkook’s eyes snap to her. "What?"
"No other reason. You know what? You're not denying it too, Kook." She says, getting a little louder. From your seat, you can tell it's nothing good. And it goes on for a second until Ryujin is walking up to you and asking you to leave with her. And not wanting to be there anyways, you go out with her.
She's crying and telling you how she knows for sure that Jungkook’s cheating on her and that she wants to get an Uber and go home.
She’s shaking when you get her to stay still, arms wrapped tight around herself, staring down the empty road like she’s daring it to take her somewhere else.
“I’m not getting back in there,” she says.
“I know,” you reply carefully. “Just—let him drive us home and then you can talk when you're calmer. Please. It’s late. And you're drunk.”
She laughs once, sharp and humorless. “Of course you’d say that.” You just take it as her drunk talk, so you ignore it.
You don’t rise to it. You just stand there, letting the silence cool her and yourself down the way you hope it will.
Eventually, she exhales. “Fine.”
Jungkook doesn’t argue when you bring her back. He just nods, jaw tight, eyes already tired. You slide into the back seat. Ryujin takes the passenger side. The doors close with a dull thud, and he begins to drive.
At first, there’s only the sound of tires on asphalt and the faint hum of the engine. No one talks. And you just look out the window, sick to your stomach. Occasionally, you look at both of them, and you can't tell what's going to happen or if you should even be here. Christmas lights blur past the windows, distorted and unreal. And it goes on for some time like that until Ryujin speaks.
“Just tell me if you cheated, Jungkook.” She kept it to herself for a while but couldn't deny it much longer; he's been distant for a year, like he didn’t want her anymore.
Jungkook’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. “Let's talk later, Ryujin.” His voice is low, and with the way you catch his gaze in the rearview, you know he doesn't want to talk about this with you here.
You feel the air shift instantly when she scoffs.
“I wanna talk about it right here, right now, and I want everyone to hear me.” She yells, and you’re taken aback by the sight; you've never seen her like this, even under the influence. And it frightens you honestly.
Jungkook says something back to her, and words stack up fast, resentments half-swallowed for months finally clawing their way out. Things you've never known and none of them had told you, not like it was ever your business. But holy shit, you realize you never really knew both of them. Because the mention of an abortion has you lightheaded and dizzy, and convinced you might just die. Voices stay low, but the tension sharpens, like glass under pressure. And thank god they don't pay any mind to your heavy breathing.
That's until Jungkook’s eyes lift.
Not to the road.
To the rearview mirror.
To you.
It’s brief, barely a second, but it’s enough. You see it: confusion, hurt, something like a question he doesn’t have time to ask.
Your eyes turn to the road, not because you're avoiding his, but because of the bright light that flashes ahead and is followed by the frantic honk of a car.
“Jungkook—” you yell, but it's too late for him to react fast enough to get out of the way completely. The other car slams into the passenger's side.
The world goes silent. Everything feels like it's happening outside of time. Metal screams. Glass explodes. Your body jerks forward, then sideways, then nowhere at all. Sound collapses into ringing and soon into nothing.
When you come back to yourself, the car is still. Too still.
Smoke curls into the night.
You're not moving. You can't; you're trapped in. Blood drips down your body with gravity. And the direction of the blood informs you you're upside-down. Only held by your seat belt. You feel it being cut loose, you falling and being pulled out onto cold, icy asphalt. You lay on the asphalt like it's home, like it's comfort; fuck, you could sleep—.
"Y/N, listen to me, are you okay? Don't sleep." You're so out of it, wondering what just happened, that you don't register Jungkook is already out of the car and is the one who pulled you out and now stumbling around to Ryujin’s side, hands shaking as he pulls the door open and her out. He says her name over and over, softer each time, like lowering his voice might wake her.
Her eyes flutter open.
Just once.
He leans in so close his forehead nearly touches hers. You don’t hear what he says. You only see the way his face breaks when her gaze finally slips away from him.
The sirens arrive too late to matter.
They pull her to the car gently, like she’s already something fragile and distant. Jungkook stands there, empty-handed, his own blood running down his arms without him noticing. And your consciousness slips as well when you try to stand.
At the hospital, everything smells like loss. Time stretches thin while you sit beside him, his hands wrapped in gauze, his stare fixed on the floor like it might explain this. He didn't need much attention because the collision happened on Ryujin’s side. The doctor told you you had a mild concussion, but it's nothing threatening because you're responsive and nothing seems to be affected, you just need to monitor symptoms and come into the hospital for check-ins.
That is until you ask about Ryujin. The doctor doesn’t take long.
“I’m sorry,” is all they say. And her mother who had been called immediately and arrived just before begins to cry and beg. Your head hurts, and everything feels out of this dimension, feels like you've heard wrong. But you didn't. You cry.
And that's it.
Jungkook doesn’t cry. He doesn’t move. He just nods once, like he’s agreeing to something he never wanted to understand.
Christmas ends right there.
Not with lights.
Not with music.
But with the knowledge that the last thing she saw was him, and the last thing he did was look away for a second too long at someone who he shouldn’t have been looking at.
-
Present day
It’s funny how people disappear. Like one second they’re here and the next they’re not. Whether it's in death or just them never caring enough to stay.
You should've just taken an uber home.
It's something the brain can't fathom, and because it can't, it will never forget. It will never be able to complete the task or release them; they will never come back. And so you’ll long, dream, and weep forever. Wondering when they will come back, but how many times can it be said? They will never come back.
You should've just called an uber.
Things should’ve ended better; the world should’ve stopped after that day. The world should’ve stopped, but no, life went on and that's the problem. You don't know whether to call it an uncaring creator or incomplete creation, or maybe a joke. For entertainment purposes.
Is that what you were with Jungkook? Is that what this was?
Both you and Jungkook have calmed down after silence and resorted to letting the snow soak you where you sit and be in silence. How do you even-
“What you said about love?” you start, and it hurts your throat. “About loving me.” Jungkook looks at you. It all feels too heavy to say, but it's better to say it. Let your brain complete the task. “I love you too. Always have.”
Jungkook’s eyes widen before you speak again.
“But I don't know how to be with you, even if I tried.” You’ve liked having him close today; you’ve needed it. But you can't imagine anything more than that; it makes you uncomfortable. You would love to try, but you just can't.
“There’s just so much…” A heavy sigh leaves your breath, and you're shocked how your heart feels lighter. And so, feeling confident, you look at him. Right in the eyes that you found warmth and comfort. “I will always love you. I hope you know that, but I don't know if it's worth it to even try.”
“Listen..”he starts. “I don't care how long it takes,” You stop him.
“That's what you think.” You stand and dust yourself. “Maybe this is our punishment. Let's face it.”
He stands.
“But mine especially, right?”
“Who am I to you, Jungkook? For all I know, I could die too, and you would find someone else.” You spit out, getting angry. There's a lot you want to say to him, but you can't because you did it too. So you’d just be a hypocrite. “Right?”
He doesn't respond. “Y/N.”
“So I’m right.” You scoff and want to walk away, but he tries to stop you. “I’ve accepted my punishment, Jungkook. Accept yours. Or find someone else. I don't care.” You care. It's funny how you’re only at the 2nd stage of your grief. You’ve got a long way to go. You both have too many things to grieve that being together won't solve much. Being with him, you’ll both have to look over your shoulders, worried it will be your turn to experience this as well.
“I’ll never stop loving you.” he confesses.
“Too bad, Jungkook.”
Too bad you’ll never stop as well.
Flashback
The cemetery empties slowly.
People walk away in pairs and clusters, voices low, coats pulled tight against the cold. Someone presses a hand to Jungkook’s shoulder in passing. Someone else murmurs something he doesn’t hear. He nods anyway.
He doesn’t take his eyes off you though.
You stand a few feet from the grave, still, hands folded in front of you like you’re holding yourself together by force alone. Black coat. Black gloves. Your face looks hollow in a way that scares him more than tears would. You stand like the wind alone could blow you over.
When you finally turn, it’s not toward him.
You start walking.
“Y/N,” he calls, too quickly. Too loud. It startles you.
You stop. Just for a second. He takes that as permission and closes the distance before you can change your mind.
“I just—” He swallows. His voice feels foreign in his mouth. “Can we talk?”
You look at him. Really look. There’s nothing there for him to grab onto.
“No,” you say quietly, too tired to form an expression for him to read.
He blinks, biting his lip. “Just for a minute. I won’t—”
“We shouldn’t talk, Jungkook,” you interrupt. Your tone isn’t sharp, but it is. It’s worse than that. It’s settled, done. Or you think you're done. Each word hits like a dream. “Not today. Not later. Not ever.”
The word lands heavy between you.
“I know this is hard,” he says, desperate now. “I know we’re hurting, but it's important that we—”
“Nothing. It's important that we do nothing.” You cut in. Your hands tremble slightly at your sides, but your voice doesn’t. “This doesn’t get fixed by conversations. Or theories. Or apologies.”
He opens his mouth. Closes it. You're so dismissive it's hard for him to not sound like he's forcing you. And he doesn't want that; that's the last thing.
In your mind, you don’t get to be in each other's lives anymore. Not because you're evil; it was an accident. Another car driven by a drunk driver was on the wrong side of the road and hit you. It's not your fault. But because you never deserved any of this. Not Ryujin and her mom, not Jungkook, not love. So you don't need it in your life, because they won't survive.
"You're being selfish right now," he says, not to degrade or insult you.
Tears well in your eyes and they fall angrily. "I've always been selfish, can't you see?" You say a little too passionately. You breathe. Your tears now fall more calmly. "Can't you see what I've done, Kook?"
That’s what finally breaks through him. "You didn't do anything." He tries to reach for you, but you pull away and stare at him.
"I did everything I shouldn't have." You curse under your breath and wipe your tears.
“I never meant to—” he says, defeated.
“I know,” you say. “That’s the problem.”
Silence stretches. Snow crunches somewhere behind you. Someone clears their throat. The world keeps moving, inconsiderate and cruel. Everyone who's attended is probably going to go on and live their normal lives; gosh, you've never even seen or heard of some of these people.
“I loved you,” you add, softer now. And it hurts that this is the first he's hearing that from you. “But I don't think I deserve to enjoy my life right now.”
Because life is going to go on, and that's the worst part, because hers is not.
His eyes burn. “So this is it?” He hates that you want this for yourself. Because the way he knows you and what you're saying, he doesn't trust you to be alone right now. He knows you have nobody now.
You nod once. “Yes.”
He reaches out without thinking, doesn’t touch you. Lets his hand fall back to his side.
You step away.
One step. Then another. Until it's continuous. He watches as you walk past the parked cars, past the last of the mourners, toward the road where the trees thin and the snow gathers pure and untouched.
“Y/N,” he calls again, weaker this time.
You don’t turn around, and he fucking cries. By the time he finds the courage to follow, you’re gone. No footprints. No coat in sight. Just the quiet aftermath of something ending for good. Like a snowflake in his palm, melting away.
Jungkook stands there long after the cemetery empties completely, realizing that grief comes in many forms. And that it can even come in the form of a month.
December.
────── ❅ ❅ ❅ ──────
A/n(1): what do you think about the story, let me and know, let's chat.
Every positive like, comment and reblog and highly appreciated
A/n(2): I wrote this story because, though some of you may not know this, I lost my biological mother two years ago, and nothing has been the same since. We left things on ambiguous terms, which made it hurt even more — especially because I never got the chance to understand the reasons behind everything.
I’ve always been religious, and my mom was too. After her death, I felt like God had cheated me and betrayed me, even though I had loved Him deeply and believed in Him for so long. I started doubting and questioning my faith, and at one point I almost gave up on it completely. Deep down, I know I don’t want to live like that, but it’s hard — because sometimes it feels like I’m fooling myself by trying to believe again.
In this story, Jungkook represents God. Y/N isn’t exactly a self-insert, but she represents me, and Ryujin represents my mom. I still want your honest opinion on the story — please don’t let the meaning behind it stop you from sharing your thoughts. I truly love hearing what you think.
I just ask that you recognize that any emotions you feel toward the characters or situations are the same emotions I feel about my own life and experiences.
Feel free to talk about the story outside of this context too 😊
And if you’re wondering — the ending is open because of the uncertainty I still feel, and the story is ongoing.
Thank you so much for reading and supporting me. I really love you guys.
synopsis: Years after a tragedy tore you apart, you and Jungkook meet again in the one place neither of you ever stopped visiting. What begins as an awkward reunion slowly turns into a walk through memories you’ve both been running from. With every step through the cold December streets, the past unfolds in fragments, stolen glances, late-night conversations, a love that was never supposed to happen, and a betrayal that cost a life. And in the end, the hardest punishment isn’t being apart.
It’s knowing you deserve to be.
Warnings: this fic contains themes of infidelity, heavy angst, grief, emotional manipulation, toxic relationships, death (non-graphic), flashbacks
Reader discretion advised. (I've warned y'all, I don't need people cussing me out. If you haven't read this and find something you don't like that's on you. You've been informed.)
A/N: I wrote most of this story last year and was supposed to post it in December, but I wasn't done in time cause i got busy. better late than never.
this story is intended for mature audiences and not just in age. of course i hope everyone who is okay with the warnings reads it, all i can ask is that when giving feedback and responses that you're kind with your words. It's angst and it's a realistic ending (realistic to the story of course). so, with this story you're meant to go in with an open mind, okay?
Just a note on the flashbacks. The present day occurs in one day and the flashbacks over the course of years.
Sorry for any errors...
WC: 22k
read under cut.
────── ❅ ❅ ❅ ──────
Present day
Something deeper than the December cold seeps into your bones the closer you step to the house. A house you don’t need your eyes to get to.
You’ve played around here so much, made memories. Things you can never forget. And even though it was never your house, it was your home, and Ryujin’s mom always made sure you felt that. And so, being in town, you just had to visit her. For more reasons than one.
Gosh, you didn’t even call her. What if...
Finally turning the corner, you freeze as you stare directly at the desolate and unkempt house. The house looks like ruin. Not much like the place you remember. How? She was always a well-kept woman and made sure everything was taken care of. But now it’s anything but that.
The flowers you hold lower with your hand. It's your fault—you've been so caught up with yourself this year that you haven’t stayed in touch with her. God, she probably think you’re so selfish and hates you now. But really, is it her you care about? 'Cause you never talked to her much; it was her daugh—
“I think she moved out.” You turn into ice from sheer fear and shudder like it when you register the voice.
Jungkook walks out from the backyard just as curious as you. You shouldn’t be shocked that he’s here, cause you’re here too. Great minds think alike? Or is it something else that has you meeting here? Something deeper binding you two together.
If you weren’t going to cry before. you are now. He doesn’t say anything as well, and he doesn’t have to; you just watch each other from a 100m distance, and you can already read the many things between you.
In normal circumstances, you should be running into his arms and crying about how much you’ve missed him, but you don't, and honestly, you even hate the fact that you think of doing it. How disrespectful. Shameless to do it right on the ground they grew and lived on. The ground they fed you and cared for you. You’re really shameless, aren’t you? Fuck.
“Yn,” he looks the least surprised to see you, like he actually expected you. Like he wanted you here.
What do you say to him? How do you say it to him? Do you even deserve to say anything or even be here?
You don't look at him when you build up the courage to speak, finally relaxing your clenched fist, because you won't lie—seeing him does piss you off for many reasons.
“Thought you moved away.” You say, hands digging into your pockets beyond the manufacturer’s intentions. You had a bad feeling coming here, but Lord knows it has nothing and everything to do with Jungkook.
One foot over the other, slowly, cause he might slip but also to not scare you. He inches closer to you, still comfortable for you when he says,
“You know I had to come back today.” The reminder from him is like bricks, so you look away from him, and he hates it.
Christmas Eve.
It’s been a year, but it feels as new as ever, like he’s just hitting his head all over again. “I’m glad to see you here.” He begs for you to look at him.
Instead, you look over at the road where vehicles pass. “Nothing to be glad about.” The only reason you haven’t walked away from him is far from you. Maybe you’re still a fool, who will never forget all the things she’s felt, experienced, and gotten from him. What you and Jungkook are or have ever been is beyond you. Beyond the universe's comprehension.
You two were like an experiment or reaction that was never meant to happen, like no way this was possible. Like the Big Bang. Impossible to understand but somehow inevitable. Why? That's your biggest question. What lesson is the universe trying to teach you that they had to drag you into him and his mess, when you had your own? But it did, and brought about the worst and best things in life. And with that, it's hard to decide if it's something you regret or regard as bad. Or if it would’ve been best if it never happened. It's all up to interpretation.
Jungkook dips his head, agreeing. But he mustn’t lie. He really is happy to see you. Maybe he can redeem at least one thing.
December’s sky has always been dark and grey, but this winter, it feels darker. It is darker. And unfortunately, it will always be dark and grey from now on. 'Cause nothing will change, nothing will be better. Your sins will never be forgiven; that’s why December will never be the exciting season it once was.
“I missed you.” He tries to reach, but you turn.
“Don't say that.” Walking past him, you head to the steps. Up the steps, you can’t decide whether to enter the house or sit on the porch. You can’t enter; you can’t. Your hands shake at the thought.
Jungkook follows after you hastily. “Why? Am I not allowed to miss you?”
You don’t know. Can he? You don’t have the answers.
Jungkook has been better than you at a lot of things, but this especially. 'Cause how can he even utter the words? It shouldn’t be so easy; it should feel like hell; it should rip every time you try. A pain so gruesome it alone could kill you. That's why you don't say it back, even though you feel it.
You shake your head. “No, you can’t miss me. We can’t miss each other.” You hate crying, so you don't anymore; you hate feeling, but those things are inevitable today, and Jungkook’s not making that any easier.
“You haven’t been okay, have you?” You can't even hear him over the shattering of glass in your mind.
Like a book, he reads you. And you make it so easy for him to.
You shiver from a cold wind that doesn’t exist, and no amount of hugging yourself makes it better. But you hate, you hate for the life of you that a flash of warmth replaces the cold when Jungkook takes you into him unexpectedly. When he wraps his arms around your frame and you lean your head on him. You hate it. You hate how you can’t feel your tears down your cheeks cause they soak into his clothing. And you hate how at peace you feel in him. You want to hate him and everything. But…
“I’m not okay, Jungkook.” You sniffle, and he pulls you in tighter.
He should’ve been gone by now, but deep down he knew and hoped to see you walk to the house. Had no clue what would happen after, but he hoped to know once he saw you. Does he?
He knows how hard this is for you, much for him too, but the world must be on your shoulders and more. He wishes he could take that away from you and put it all on him, 'cause he for sure knows he’s the one who deserves it. Deserves every ounce of punishment God has to give. 'Cause this was never your fault; it’s all his. And he hates when you cry.
“Everything’s not okay, Kook.”
Flashback
4 years ago
“Yn, what the hell did I tell you about your fucking tin can.”
Your eyes shut in prayer when the voice booms through the break room—a sound that's only after you. You're the first person to ever stand up to him; could be the reason you're a target. Would've been worth it if it had worked.
1, 2, 3, 4, 100 meetings you've had with this man about the way he talks to you guys. And nada—all for nothing. And 'cause he knows you can never quit, he presses until he physically hurts his throat. He's the bane of your existence, to say the least.
But you just let him be. He'll destroy himself one day.
“What?” You snap in between bites of your meal.
He scoffs at your attitude—an attitude that gets him off probably; he looks like the type. Ew, why would you think that.
“Your fucking clunker's in the way of my car, and I need you to move it.”
When it comes to this interaction, you have a lot of things to say, but it would take years to address, so you get to the point. What does he mean your motorcycle's in his way? Your bike's in the garage. You clearly stated that to him when you asked for a day off. But you're not surprised; he probably doesn't care enough to remember if he was even listening to you that day.
You hate to call elders out of their names, but he's genuinely a fool. You're not the only one in the city with a motorbike.
“That's not my bike.” You say, not leaving your food and trying your best to relax. It only infuriates him more. “It's in the shop.”
He laughs at you, mumbling something about firing you. Like he would ever. If he so desperately wanted to, he would've done it all these years.
“Well, somebody's tin can is in my way, and I need you to get it out.” He forces out the words with spit, not even showing a glimpse of shame for accusing you falsely. Shocker. You've experienced your fair share of men like this; it's the universe's way of informing you you're a woman. You laugh. For somebody who owns a café, he's the unchillest person ever.
Your brows furrow, trying to look for sentiment from your colleagues, but they too avoid the conversation. “How do you want me to get it out? It's not my bike.” Honestly, knowing your luck with the gods, if you tried to move the bike, the owner would call you out for robbery.
“I need you to find the owner; use your brain!”
Before you can say anything, another fed-up worker speaks—not to defend, but to just shut this down. “You know just about anybody uses that parking lot; how is she gonna find the person?”
Your boss laughs mockingly—a smile following after. “Look here, kids, I don't care how you do it. Just get it outta my way, or I'll run it over.”
Oh, like you care; you'd love to see that.
“Ask the people in the café.” He says before walking out, his stomach entering the next room before him.
You sit for a second to debrief what just happened with yourself and contemplate on doing it or just ignoring him. He'd be on your neck the next minute, so you irritatedly get out of your seat.
Before you ask anybody, you decide to check out the whole situation, just to be sure there's nothing he's exaggerating. And he isn't; you're hurt to say. The bike is parked in just a way that the rider has to be an idiot or really trying to piss someone off.
Noob, you laugh to yourself. Maybe they're new to riding, but just as you get closer to the bike, you're shut up. A rich noob, you note. No fucking way they're riding a Harley—one that looks modified aesthetically too. You're 100% sure those dark red leather seats and rims are not natural to the bike. Every biker knows how expensive it is to do that.
Holy shit, it's real leather too, you say as your fingers glide over it, like Alice in Wonderland. Touching the bike even more, you wrap your hands around the handles; you fear this was a mistake. And like Persephone, you're bound to this bike and whoever owns it, 'cause you need to know more and experience what it feels like. You could only dream about having one of these.
Flinching at the sound of the car next to you, you realize the owner could mistake your curiosity and admiration as a felony, so you keep your hands to yourself and head back into the shop to find this person. Of course, you take one more look at the bike.
Inside the café, you wonder how you're gonna do this. Do you walk up to each person individually, or do you just announce it? You don't have any of those intercoms, so you'd have to use your sheer voice ability. You laugh at the idea.
It would be weird for you to go up to people and interrupt their time with asking them if they own a motorbike or not. Honestly speaking, just by observing people, you think you can tell whether or not they would own such a motorbike. You ride a motorbike, and you know the stereotypes—which tend to be true most of the time.
You're thinking someone with money, and it shows; they don't flaunt it though. Someone who likes dark colors. Tattoos?
And from looking around, you can tell none of these people own a motorbike.
There doesn't seem to be anybody else in the café that fits your stereotype, so you're forced to just ask. Maybe you're wrong, and you actually do know how to read people. What if that old lady sat by the window knitting actually owns the motorbike? How can you know?
So sighing and beaten, you walk up to the center and you try your best to collect yourself—your breath and your voice. You've never been much of a public speaker; never liked the attention too much. But you can do this.
Just as you're about to speak, the bathroom door opens, and you spot one of the biggest stereotypes in your life: tall guy, tattoos on his hand, black puffer jacket, and black cargo pants. Beautiful dark locks of hair sit atop his head in a style that makes him softer than he seems to be. If the shoe fucking fits.
Feeling confident you've found your person, you hold your breath and walk up to him a little bit embarrassed, because why are you ambushing somebody who is just from using the bathroom? It's very awkward for you.
Your stereotyping pays off when you spot him pull out a key with the logo of the bike on it.
He doesn't seem like the type to park horribly.
“I'm sorry, excuse me.” He almost doesn't notice you're speaking to him 'cause of how fast he's walking. Maybe he knows he parked his bike horribly. But he does stop, and when he does, God, you wish he didn't.
A wave of fear and anxiety wash over you. You've got his attention. Holy shit. Is he gonna cuss you out for stopping and interrupting him? That's how it usually goes, and being your boss's metaphorical ash tray, you've dealt with this many times. And they only ever cuss you out.
You think about telling him it's fine, but then think about your boss's nagging, why risk that when you've already found your guy.
“You were saying something?” He snaps you out of it with a warm voice, one you were not expecting. Holy shit, he's being kind. Nope, it's the calm before the storm.
He can tell something's bothering you from the way he maintains eye contact and you don't.
Oh shit. Speak.
You look at him, and looking at him was a mistake. Holy attractive.
“Sorry again, are you the owner of the Harl—motorbike in the parking lot?”
OMG, you've said it—no stutter, thank God. Feels good to have it off your chest, and him not seeming bothered by it.
This is the best conversation you've had with a man, and it's barely one. When he answers, you almost jump for joy, 'cause your people-watching and theorizing is paying off.
“Yeah. Is everything okay?” You sense worry in the words. And now his eyes are making it seem like his bike got stolen or something.
Okay, you got the first part down; now you just have to—your thought process is cut off by him nudging you out of somebody's way, someone who seems to desperately need the toilet. He scoffs in his breath and mumbles something about the man being careless.
“Go on.” He encourages like nothing, his hand only now moving from your arm, and you know it's not December yet, so you're not that cold, so you have no clue why he feels so warm. Maybe that's just how he is. You're overthinking.
Spit it out.
“Well, your bike's in the way of my boss's car, and he really needs it out of the way.”
The man immediately apologizes like he knew the moment would come. “Oh shit, I'm sorry; let me fix that.” Phew, you're done. But just as he's about to go to it, he looks back at you. “Do you mind getting me a straw and meeting me there?”
“Huh?”
“Thank you.” Is all he says before he's leaving you with a smile, and by virtue of no answer, you decide to do as he says. Maybe this is your chance to ask him about the bike. Finally, the universe is in your favor.
Holy shit, if you only knew, you would've never followed him out there like a fool. Honestly, it felt like an abduction. He abducted you from your safe little world and brought you into his dark and complex one. You were fine without him—that's a lie; you were always better with him.
Walking to the spot, you think of all the questions you can ask him.
Where? How? When? How much? You know you can't afford it; you can barely afford to repay the one you have. But it can't hurt to just know more about the bike.
When you get there, the bike is already out of the way, and he's standing next to it with an oil rag.
When he spots you, he smiles. “You're here.” Is all he says, like he's known you for forever.
“Here's your straw.”
He thanks you and takes it from you. And for a moment too long, you just stand there confused on what your purpose is now. You don't mind being here though; you would prefer this than being inside.
You can just watch him check his bike.
Voice holding in a self-deprecating laugh, he says, “I was in such a hurry I forgot to park it properly.” He checks the oil, fuel, tires. Then he fixes his eyes on you, dark lenses that watch into your soul. Feels like that anyway. A man being kind to you feels like being undressed, weirdly. “I'm glad you're the one who found it and not a cop, unless…” He stares at you with a raised brow, and when you catch it, you laugh, shaking your head with defensive arms up.
“I'm not.” Your hands go into the pockets of your uniform as you watch him hand you his helmet to hold, and he squats next to the bike. Why does holding the helmet feel a little too much for people who just met each other? You ignore it, which you rarely do. “I get it. it happens to the best of us.”
He stands, fully turns his body to you, and nods. Why does he feel taller? “You ride?”
You nod. “Not currently though.”
He shakes his head in pity. “You're missing out.” He jokes.
You look up at the sky to avoid him but regret it when the sun blinds you. It's sad to know it's gonna be gone soon with the transition into winter. You're gonna miss the warmth. And he is right; you are missing out. They say summer and spring are the best seasons to ride in, but you believe fall is the best, and winter the worst, of course. Fall just has the vibe and scenery; it's not too hot and not too cold, and for some reason, you live for the sound of your wheels crunching leaves.
“Don't I know it.” You chuckle, and he's amused by it. “But I'll be back on it soon.”
The lies you tell yourself. You only have $1,000 left in debt, and with your job, you'll be there by December next year. So if ‘soon’ means in a year, then yeah, sure, you'll be back on it soon. You frown.
Silence falls once again, but it's not awkward. The silence is filled with curiosity you're both having with each other. You're both acting like you don't have places to be, like the best place you could be right now is with each other. Not saying anything of significance 'cause it's not needed. The stares and sounds of the city are enough, even though you're strangers.
But you begin to overthink. You should go—
“My name's Jungkook.” Done smiling, he says and stretches out a hand.
You tell him your name as well. And take his hand, and just then a cold wind rushes past, and you can hear the soon-coming December mock your work attire. A basic t-shirt with the café logo, some black slacks, and an apron. The only thing saving you is the turtleneck your boss refuses you to wear. But you're not about to get frostbite for his sake. It's the least you could wear.
Jungkook takes back his hand, and you miss the warmth, so you substitute it with your own hand. “So what kind of ride do you have?”
“Oh, she's an oldie. She has nothing on yours.” You point to his that you both stare at.
You guess you didn't admire it enough before. 'Cause she's a beauty honestly—a dream bike of yours.
“Ya! Don't say that. The oldies are the best.” He scolds you. “You have it with you?”
Jungkook loves old models, even though he might seem superficial for having this one; he does love oldies—a marvel of their time.
“No, actually, it's in the shop.”
“Shame, maybe we could've swapped.”
You brush him off with your hand and roll your eyes.
“You wouldn’t do that. I wouldn't.” Lord, how could you.
“Says a lot about you.”
You raise a brow at him. “What?”
He just laughs and shakes his head, asking you to ignore him. He's getting too comfortable.
Is he freaking reading you? You know that look. He's freaking reading you to filth, and you haven't even read him 'cause you're so distracted.
Wait, you can read him—
“Why aren't you inside?”
Jungkook watches the way you tense up, is that your boss?. looks like a stereotypical boss.
“You asked me to tell him about his bike.” You say like a teenager fed up with her parents telling her to stop hanging out with the neighbor's boy. He's a bad influence. And he surely is, but you're too naive to realize. Or maybe you just don't want to realize.
“And you've done that, go back to work.” He then turns to Jungkook with a soft voice that Jungkook reads as fake. “I'm sorry if she's bothering you.”
Jungkook doesn't respond.
But when he does, it's everything you and your colleagues have tried to say.
“Is that how you talk to your workers? Have some decency. Before I file a complaint.”
Your boss immediately switches colors and chokes bitterly.
“Are you talking to me like that, boy? I've lived so many lives than you, know more than you, and I-I could have your clunker repossessed.”
You watch him in annoyance, like having your dad at prom with a suit that he barely fits in. You're about to tell Jungkook to ignore him when he spits out words you wouldn't dare.
“Shut the fuck up.” The words come out like a melody, and honestly, you never knew he'd be the type to do that.
But it's satisfying nonetheless.
Just as shocked as you, your boss doesn't say anything after. He wouldn’t dare get into a fight with Jungkook; the younger would take him over and under with words only.
Your boss drives off, and Jungkook runs his hands through his hair as he turns to you.
“You okay?”
You have your mouth slightly agape. Words you've never heard.
“OMG,” is all you say. “You just did that.”
“Assholes like him need a calling out.”
“Never thought you'd be the type.”
“Never thought you'd be the type to ride too.”
Yeah, you get that a lot.
“I should get going before he cusses me out telepathically.” You joke, it doesn't land, but Jungkook thinks it's cute. You're cute.
“Wait, we'll go back together; all that cussing's got me hungry.”
You nod, and both of you walk back to the café side by side. And inside, you're immediately met with your coworker tired of working on your half.
Behind the counter, you're already missing being outside; it feels like a dream that you felt relaxed at work.
“So what can I get you?” You say, and Jungkook doesn't even look at the menu 'cause he's had the order in his mind the moment he saw you. Honestly, he was not planning on coming in to eat; he just needed to use the bathroom. Never needed the straw either.
“Get me your favorite.” He seals his request with nods. You raise a brow.
Then nod. “Okay, a water with ice.”
You're about to punch it in when he holds your wrist. He retracts. You're getting too comfortable with each other, 'cause why the hell did that not bother you? Instead, it felt like the world was running electricity through you.
“I'm sorry, but you can't be serious. a water?”
“That's my favorite.” You stare at him, and those eyes that are like if chocolate and coffee had a baby.
He bites his lower lip and leans on the counter.
“Give it to me then. I asked for it.” He surrenders, and the look on his face has you feeling pity.
“A caramel frappe with extra whip and a slice of chocolate cake. That'll be 27.” You punch it in.
He nods, a smile forming, and pulls out his wallet. You've seen many wallets being pulled out, but God, why is it attractive when he hands his card to you.
You're never really scouting for men. But you like to people-watch, and when you do, you have opinions. And when it comes to the men you watch, you've never seen one as attractive as the man in front of you. Too attractive in terms of his face, though he doesn’t fall short there, but attractive in terms of soul, spirit, and personality. It's a wonder to see.
You see a lot of different types of customers that come in to order. And you always note how the men always seem like they're tryna one-up you or tell the menu to you. The type that always want to pretend that their iced frappuccino with extra cream is for their non-existent girl and not them. Like come on, ain't no shame in liking a little cream. Or those that buy straight black coffee, thinking it's manly, and then come crawling to you for a refund. You always laugh behind the counter.
It's those types of things that you always try to pay attention to about a man. It's kind of unfair to judge people like that all the time, but it's just for your personal entertainment nonetheless.
Jungkook seems something else. He doesn't call your order girly like some other men have after asking you the same question to flirt. He doesn’t do that; he sits by the window and genuinely enjoys it with a smile. He's the type of person you want to see in the café more often.
You're used to the sound of the bike by now; December is now in full swing, and Jungkook has been coming to the café almost every day since late October. You're not sure if he enjoys the place or if it's because of you—nope, you're not gonna get it mixed up. The café is a nice place to be at.
You think you might have mastered the sound of his bike in about a week. Clean, groovy, and he lets it hum for about 5 seconds after he parks, 7 seconds on other days.
Maybe you're starting to go insane with the glimmer of attention he's given you. When you pile it all up though, it's more than a glimmer. So you bail yourself out of the guilt jail. It's hard enough to make friends in Seoul, let alone find a man who's not tryna crawl on top of you from the jump.
“I think you should order something else; you're gonna get fat,” you squint, leaning over the counter to whisper to him. “Actually, I kinda see it already.”
He rolls his eyes, laughing, already used to your banter. It's amusing—10/10, best part of his day.
“Lies.” He declares. “Actually, if anyone's getting fat, here it—”
“Don't you even dare, or I'll get you banned.”
His hands go up in defense. “Kidding, you look good, just like always.” He winks at you, and you're shocked at how it doesn't offend you. Maybe you give others a hard time. Or not. Jungkook's just making you delusional. Does he really mean it? Do you always look good? It's a boring uniform, you think, but I guess it's how you carry it.
You roll your eyes at yourself.
“Mhm.” Is all you say, clearly affected by his words and pretending like you're so busy behind the counter.
“But if you've been thinking about getting in the gym, I can be your trainer.” He winks, and you roll your eyes.
You have been thinking about getting in the gym; it's been on your resolution for so long it's getting blurry. The biggest reason you've never gone is 'cause you have no clue what to do there; it's so overwhelming. Tried it once and never went back.
“I'll think about it.”
Before he can respond, a customer walks up to you, almost pushing him aside.
“I ordered a latte with almond milk, and it tastes different.” They yell at you. “Are you tryna rip me off, girl?”
You're confused but shake your head no. You and Jungkook watch the clearly pissed-off woman.
“I used almond milk. Made it myself.”
The lady chuckles bitterly. “Oh, I can tell you made it, honey.” She says in anything but a compliment. “Anything made by a degenerate would taste like this.”
“You asked for the almond milk.” It's a rebuttal she doesn't take kindly to.
“Well, I didn't know it was gonna taste this horrible.”
Jungkook rolls his eyes, not wanting to interfere yet. He can only imagine how much of this you go through every day; hates to see it. How people can be so insensitive to others.
“And that's my fault?” You question, trying your best to sound genuine.
“Yes, you didn't tell me it was gonna taste weird.”
Personally, you don't take almond milk, so how the hell would you have known?
“You can give me your cup, and I'll remake it?” You know her type's gonna drag this out, so you just follow the policy.
“I drank it; I can't give you the cup.”
“You drank it even though you said it tasted weird?” Or you're finding it very hard to—
“Yeah, so what? I want my correct order.”
Jungkook laughs beside her, and you side-eye him to be quiet, 'cause you're gonna laugh too.
“What's so funny? You kids are so disrespectful.”
“Oh my gosh, lady, you clearly liked it if you drank it still.” Jungkook says, still laughing. “Stop bothering her.”
Before she can respond, the manager comes in and takes over the conversation. “What's going on here?” You explain, and it's out of your hands; she gets her refill though, just to keep her quiet.
Your eyes roll and go back to Jungkook. He stands by the side, still close to you but not so much so to show that he's not ordering more, like just chatting with you, which you're gonna get in trouble for one day. You already have your colleagues asking you about him.
“This is what you go through?” He asks, playing with the straws. You shake his hands away.
You chuckle. “Pretty much; it's tiring.”
“I'm sorry.”
You shake your head. “It's fine. You're the only customer who isn't annoying.” You say not thinking about it, but it clearly has Jungkook blushing, or maybe that's the December effect.
“Thank you—customer of the year award?”
“You're not much of a customer.” 'Cause he just comes in, talks to you, or maybe orders stuff. Sometimes you wonder if he's homeless and using this place to shield him from the December chill. That's possible.
“All my devotion, and you're saying I'm not a customer?”
You laugh at his childish whines.
“If you're not buying anything, get out the way.” You tease, failing to hide your smile. He points at the fact that he is in fact out of the way. And there's just something funny about that to you. Yeah, you're definitely losing your mind.
You ignore him, and it seems doing that makes him want to stay longer. But it makes you feel good; no guy has ever given you this much attention, and ever since Jungkook, you've realized you love it. Or maybe hi—
“Let me take you out.”
The words come out at such a random moment; you almost don't register.
“When does your shift end?”
You stare at him, trying to read any foolery. “In 2 hours.”
He nods. “Good, so I'm gonna be back here in an hour, and I'll take you out, okay?”
You don't even bother saying yes or no, 'cause you have no clue which it is you want.
“I said 2.”
“Well, I need at least an hour to annoy you.” He winks. “And then you can finally ride my bike like you've been wanting to.”
Your eyes widen. Was it that obvious? Yes, you've been asking him about the bike the minute he walks in; he was worried that the one you actually want. He's not wrong though; you'd steal his bike the second he lets his guard down with you.
“Cool?”
Gosh, when was the last time you went on a date? Fuck.
“Cool, now out of my way.” You shoo him.
“Can I get a caramel frappe with extra cream though? No cake—not trying to get fat.”
You type it in with a “boy, stop wasting my time, but I'm enjoying it” look.
“You've made me addicted to the drink, you know?” And it's such a wrecking thing for him 'cause now he associates the feeling he gets from the drink with you. And he'll never stop.
-
Unlike what your brain tells you, Jungkook actually shows up, like he sat in the corner one hour before your shift ends waiting for you.
Oh my gosh, this guy. It's either he's genuinely a sweet guy or genuinely a good liar. Because what is this foolery and why are you falling for it?
"Did you get your bike?" He asks as you both finish off the drinks he bought. He takes his and yours and throws them in the trash.
"Uhh no. Not yet." God, your heart hurts thinking about your bike, your poor baby, if they haven't sold her for parts already. And the feeling is only made worse when Jungkook gets to his and gives you your helmet. Your own helmet has been collecting dust.
"Had to get a second helmet for you." He sucks in a breath like spending money hurts him.
And honestly, he thought it was obvious when you two joked with each other, but he's shocked when you say.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I can pay you back for it." You can't.
Jungkook shakes his head. "I'm joking." He grabs the helmet and puts it on for you. Making sure it's on right. When he's done, he pats it playfully, causing both of you to smile. "You really look adorable in this." His eyes don't leave your face; he analyzes every feature of yours the second he gets the chance. He's done it so much he sees your face everywhere. In his dreams, in random shadows, and random abstract shapes or nature. It's madness, one he wants to crawl into.
"I guess I do that sometimes." You do that nose thingy that you've been doing because it's cold, and he's geeking.
"Don't get cocky." He says, putting on his own.
He gets onto the bike and does the routine he does for everyone else.
"Hands around my waist, tight. Legs up here." He pulls your calf up in an innocent action, but your perverted mind just can't let that be. "And back arched."
How have you seriously not read this guy yet? Maybe that way he won't seem perfect to you. You haven’t read him to filth yet, but it's like your mind can't work around him anyway.
"You ready?" He pats your thigh when you don't respond.
"Yeah, I'm ready," wrapping your arms around him and having your legs like he told you and even arching your back, you decide to rest your chin on his shoulder. An action that makes butterflies spawn in him.
It's been a while since you've been on a bike, let alone one where you can just relax while someone does the heavy lifting. It feels great, feels peaceful, feels like everything you missed about being on your bike. And the cold winter wind doesn't even seem to bother you.
You're so lost in the moment that you forget you don't know Jungkook outside the café, and that you're about to find out. How scary is that. How real it feels, feels like you’re crossing an invisible line.
You're snapped back to reality when the bike comes to a halt. And it's like that for minutes, but you really don't wanna let go of Jungkook and move away from his scent. It smells like crawling onto cool sheets after a warm bath from a long day. God, you've been needing one of those. But with this winter and many like it before, your sheets have been cold in the wrong kind of way, your warm showers don't soothe you, and your busy days are constant. You just need a break, even if it's just mental. Something like this, riding on a bike and holding onto Jungkook like a lifeline.
"As much as I'm enjoying, we've got places to be, darling."
You grumble. "Just one more minute."
Jungkook chuckles, and the sound of it makes you sink into him even more. But you do pull away eventually and realize just how cold it is. Holy shit, this has to be the coldest winter. You have a jacket and the full gear on, but the cold seems to be seeping past. All this cold without snow feels like a punishment from the gods.
Jungkook gets off first and makes sure you get down okay too, knowing how relaxed you're feeling. And with it comes a yawn.
"Don't get tired on me."
Walking into the open dining place and finally taking your seats after looking for where to sit. You can finally ask.
"Why'd you bring me here?" Why does he even talk to you? All that you'd like to ask.
Jungkook asks for menus and then immediately gets back to you. "Because I wanna get to know you outside the café, and you said you had a long day."
"Okay, but why? You barely know me."
He likes to think he knows you enough to ask you out. Isn't that how it always happens? You don't know someone, then you get to know them. But he bets your concern is more of an insecurity thing. You seem like someone who doesn't go out much. "Mmm, there's something about you, your eyes." He narrows his eyes and points at yours dramatically.
"What?" You ask, wanting to take them out and check. Do you have something wrong with them? You see yourself in the mirror quite often, and you've never seen anything wrong with them.
Jungkook chuckles and debates on whether he wants to say it. "Your eyes scream for much more, you know. I feel like I have it too. Like you just want more than what you have, you want better."
You can't even say anything because he's reading you to filth. All this, and you can't tell a single thing about him like you do so well.
"And when I found out you were a biker too. That was cool. But it's more about your eyes."
His eyes don't tear away from you even though yours do. He watches you and how they look down a bit too much. Watches the way you rub your nose, your lips, and the way you bite into them anxiously like every thought's running through you at the same time. He's been there, been in that headspace. Only thing that got him out was his bike and moving to the city. And even though he isn’t 100%, he's at least on a clearer path to getting where he wants to go.
"What do you want?" He asks, snapping you back to him.
"Huh? In terms of?" You eye the menu.
He smirks. "What do you want for your life?"
"Oh." You were hoping he was talking about the menu. But it's fine; you can talk about your life and what you desperately desire. You want to lie and say you don't have the answer, but you do, so many of them, but the clearest one's right at your tongue. "I just want my bike back." You can be authentically yourself when you're on your bike. It's like the only thing that gets you and can read you to filth. Well, until Jungkook came along, and honestly, with him you've felt a glimpse of that feeling. So that's what you want. "Maybe it's not the bike in itself, but the feeling it represents."
He nods, not saying much about it, but taking it in deeply.
You both order your food, both ordering something steaming and warm.
As you poke at your food to get started, Jungkook speaks.
"I had a mom who used to hand-make noodles when I was younger, and we'd devour them in the winter." He mellows out, and you listen to his voice over the voices of others and the Christmas carol being sung. For a town that isn't very religious, they do go all out for Christmas. The lights, trees, ornaments, and even a man dressed as Santa walking around casually. It's hilariously heartwarming. And Jungkook smiles too when he spots what you’re looking at. Feels the nostalgia of sitting on Santa's lap as a kid. Back then, he thought the bearded man would grant him everything he asked for, but was soon disappointed to learn that he was just a man. Just like everyone else, and the only person who can grant himself everything is himself.
"But I've never found something that tastes the same; she told me it's a basic noodle recipe, but I don't believe her. Or maybe I'm blinded by nostalgia." He laughs and goes back to eating.
You think about it for a second, letting the vulnerability sink in for a moment.
"I honestly think some things are more than physical." You start, and he's listening to you like gospel. "Because I'm sure the vibe of winter and the care your mother gave to making the noodles added to the flavor of the food. That's why I believe food tastes better when somebody else makes it, because it's you appreciating someone's efforts."
When you're done, you stare at him staring at you, chopsticks down and staring that has you confused about what he's about to do.
"What?"
He then starts clapping loudly, causing people to look at your table.
"Jungkook, what the hell are you doing?" You whisper, begging him to stop. Maybe he thinks you're enjoying it 'cause you're laughing.
"Waaaaa." He continues to clap. "That was inspirational; you should write a book."
You roll your eyes.
"Oh, please."
"That was beautiful, really. I love that." He picks his chopsticks back up and ignores all the people probably whispering about you. "I have a friend who talks like that, Namjoon. He says the most beautiful stuff, but I don't know why I feel heavily moved when it comes from you."
You sip some soup.
"Seems like I might get along with him more." He lifts a brow at you like you just insulted him. "Kidding. I think maybe you don't take him seriously because you’ve been friends for too long and you're taking him for granted."
He shakes his head in defense immediately.
"I am not. There was one time during PE, and I got injured, and it hurt so much I was crying. Tell me why Namjoon came along and was preaching to me about how tears don't determine who you are and that you're stronger than that." He laughs, and you do too, after he lets you know it's fine to. "Like, wrong time, bro; my ankle is out of its socket—I'm gonna cry."
You're laughing like hysterically, and it's music to Jungkook’s ears. There's nothing better than seeing you outside the shop; you seem much more carefree.
"How about you? Do you have any friends?"
Asking you that feels like an attack. Because you don't have much of them. Trying to make friends in Seoul is like trying to count your rice; it's possible, but it's too time-consuming.
"Umm, outside my colleagues, I have only one. We've been friends since birth, and only got physically reunited recently." He nods, and you go on. "My parents moved us out of Seoul for my dad's work and stuff."
"Oh? Where did you move?"
"Busan."
He immediately gasps. "I'm from there. I knew there was something drawing me to you just from the way you speak. You're from my hometown."
You smile, feeling your heart root the idea of Jungkook into your life very hard. It feels so good to meet someone you can talk about home with.
"That's so cool; I guess that's why too."
"You're like my home away from home." His voice drops at that, like he really means it.
And you believe it; it does feel like that. Holy shit, and so fast too. Maybe it's because you both haven’t visited in a long time.
"You planning on visiting your family for the winter?"
You shake your head. "Don't have much time, so no, plus I can't risk skipping any days off work."
You laugh like it's funny. But it's just a pity laugh; your life is so freaking amazing.
He nods.
You're both done with your food by now, and are just sipping your drinks.
"Where did you say your bike was? I know a friend who has a mechanic shop. I can—"
You immediately cut him.
"Oh, no, it's fine."
"I know, but if those guys are drawing out on fixing your bike, I can do something about that for you."
You shake your head. It's sweet, really, but you don't want anybody getting involved in this; it's embarrassing enough. Maybe you should've just saved to buy a car. But cars break down too. And the problem isn't them fixing it, but you paying them for it.
"No, I'm oka—"
You're cut off by his phone ringing; he pulls it out, checks who's calling. You can't tell the look on his face, whether it's a good call or a bad call. All he says is,
"Let me take this; I'll be back." In the most stern way possible.
He's gone for a bit, but there's nothing much to think of but your bike and how embarrassing it will be when Jungkook finds out you're just a broke bitch. He and his Harley are gonna freaking laugh at you.
When he's back, he doesn't sit; he just tells you it's time to go.
On the way, he makes you tell him the shop name, and you do. After that, there's not much you can do to stop him from driving there. You're not shocked he knows it; it's popular, and he looks like the kind of guy that knows every mechanic shop.
Immediately, you're there; you spot your bike—it still looks fine, looks like they fixed it too.
Fuck. Jungkook struts into the place, and you're forced to jog to catch up to him.
"If they can't do it, I'll fix your bike myself."
"Wait, Jungkook." You hold him by his arm to stop him, and thank God it works. "There's something I didn't tell you."
He waits and listens.
"The real reason I don't have the bike is because I can't pay for it." And like bad timing, one of the mechanics recognizes you and calls out your name. Fuck. You wave at him and tell him you'll be right over.
"Really?" Jungkook asks, not looking as upset as you thought he would be.
Gosh, you've never met someone like this. Some guys would be cussing you out just for making them drive you home late at night after a date.
"How much was it?" Is all he asks, and you feel sick thinking about that question.
You run a hand on your neck and whisper, "Like $1,000." His face doesn't change, but in your mind it does, because anybody would make a weird, condescending face at the amount of money. Like, how the hell can you pay that with your lame-ass job? "It's freaking a lot for me right now, and I just—"
"We'll get your bike, Yn." He says, pulling you into a hug. One you sink into immediately. "Come on." He says, turning the hug into hand-holding as you walk into the shop.
"Jungkook, what are you doing? We should be heading the other way." Gosh, it's just so embarrassing to be here.
"I said we were gonna get your bike, didn't I?"
No, he's not. Yes, he is, and yes, he did.
You don't believe he would freaking do that. Why the actual hell? How can he just spend that much money on someone? Oh gosh, you're gonna cry.
"My friend's gonna be coming over with my truck, so we can take these bikes."
He explains he doesn't want you riding it yet because he doesn't trust the people working on it. You don't mind at all; honestly, you can’t ride in your state right now.
When the truck arrives, your jaw’s on the floor. Who the hell is this guy, and why the hell does he have loose money to pay for your bike, a Harley, and this fucking money monster of a truck?
What the hell does he do, or are you dreaming again? Please wake up; it's getting too real.
"Get in." He says, holding the door for you and then getting into the driver's seat.
"The one time you let me drive your truck," his friend laughs, blond locks sweeping with each movement.
"Soak it up; it's gonna be the last." They banter for a bit before he turns to you. Sitting in the back seat. You don't know where to put your hands. "Yn, this is Namjoon, and Namjoon, this is Yn."
"Hi," Namjoon says, and you reciprocate.
"I'm sorry you have to deal with him; must've been torture." Namjoon says to you with a playful smack to Jungkook's arm.
You laugh, knowing you'd get along with Namjoon well. "True, worst time of my life."
Jungkook scoffs as he turns into the main road.
"Worst time? Says the person who couldn't let me go." You roll your eyes.
"Just a coincidence." You say, looking at your bike behind to make sure they are okay, as if anything would happen to them.
"You ride too?" Namjoon asks you, and you nod. "I'll never get you people; don't you like your lives?"
"Riding is life." You say like second nature, and Jungkook celebrates.
"This is why I like you; you just get it." Jungkook says, looking in the rearview mirror and making sure he has a sight of you as he says.
"I'm glad I met you honestly."
Your hands self-soothe as you meet his eyes in the rearview. There's a silence where you should say it back, but you can't—his friend's here, even though he acts like he doesn't care; you can't do it.
"Namjoon, you know she's from Busan." He says like he just discovered something revolutionary.
"I just mostly grew up there." You try to correct, feeling like it doesn't mean much.
"You're still from there," Namjoon says, and you guess so.
Jungkook giggles to himself before saying,
"Like home away from home."
Present
You sit in the café, reluctant to look around—what if someone recognizes you? You've been away and changed, but that doesn't mean you’re better. In fact, you're worse.
“Here,” Jungkook says, bringing your coffee and cakes, and you’re getting PTSD flashbacks. Ones that have you picking at the food. Jungkook settles in his seat across from you. “Thank you for agreeing to talk to me.”
You only hum, 'cause you don't want to decide what you prefer. But during the year, you have thought about whether talking with Jungkook would change anything or make it better.
You sit in silence for a while, until you’re the one to break it.
“I moved back in with my parents.” You sip your drink as Jungkook looks up at you, glad you're saying anything. “In school now too.”
“Oh, where?”
“Some random uni.”
“Are you happy?”
You pause, but then you shake your head, not wanting to think much of it.
“Yeah, I'm happy.” You look at him.
“I’m happy for you too.”
Silence is a recurring thing in this interaction. You both use it as a punctuation mark, a border.
“I took a break from driving.” Your mouth falls at the confession. “The whole year, the bike too.”
The mention of him not riding his bike has you even more shocked. You get it; it's the same reason you moved out of the city.
“I’m sorry,” you console.
He hums something before saying, “Do you still ride?”
“Parents sold my bike.” And that's your breaking point. You sniffle. But Jungkook takes your hand to help you through your tears. Everything. You’ve lost everything this year.
You shake it away with a mocking laugh to yourself, one which Jungkook immediately rebuffs.
“We’ll be okay.” He cups your hand in his warm hands. “Okay?”
So comforting, so sweet. Everything you’ve wanted and needed, even though you didn’t know each other according to societal norms. Like you barely know what he does for work, never cared to ask. 'Cause that’s not what your relationship was about. You believe your relationship is more about feeling than knowing. It's about how much you made each other feel. How you made each other realize you could feel.
And right now, what you're feeling has you thinking about how unfair all this is. You’ll never find anyone that makes you feel what the other makes you feel. So is it fair to say that things will be okay? When your circumstances won't allow it.
You can only hope.
But unchanging, you nod and agree with what he says.
“Okay.”
Why all this, why you? You want to ask him that, but all you can do is stare into his eyes and his into yours.
Flashback
“These snacks taste like cardboard every time,” Jungkook groans, chewing a chip, a slight frown on his face but swallowing it nonetheless.
You giggle, as you take a piece of your own food. A cheap brand chocolate waffle, low quality for sure but good enough.
You've been sitting on your bikes in the parking lot of the downtown gas station. Been here for over 15 minutes using the time to come down from the adrenaline of "racing" each other. Jungkook says you weren't racing 'cause he lost, but you were racing. You never thought your bike could beat his; it's an ego boost. But as soon as you swapped and still beat him, you knew it had nothing to do with the bike, you're just good. Or maybe he's letting you win.
“But you still bought them,” you question, watching him still consume them.
He shrugs. “I guess I’m just hoping they’ll taste good one day.”
You both laugh, one that tells you how hopeless the human mind is. “You can’t really expect much from gas station chips, Kook.” You say the name like it's always been in your vocabulary.
“Yeah, I guess it’s my fault.” He’s not even trying to hide the shame.
You watch the place around you thinking, “I don’t blame you I like disappointment too.”
Your eyes lock as you finish the sentence, almost like you’re insinuating that you expect him to disappoint you too. Honestly, it feels like that’s the pattern of your life. Nothing this good ever really lasts.
So with your eyes you ask him. What is it? Is he gonna disappoint you too?
Instead of responding, Jungkook reaches into the bag of chips, pulls one out, and holds it up to your lips.
“Taste it and tell me what you think,” he says, almost too excited.
You stare at him, eyebrows raised. “You said they weren’t any good.”
He shrugs, his grin widening. “Doesn’t matter what I said.”
You hesitate for a second but take the chip. As it touches your lips, his finger brushes against them lightly. It’s almost an accident, but not really. His eyes stay on yours, a little too intense for comfort.
The taste catches you off guard. It’s not nearly as bad as you thought. You chew and swallow, your brows furrowing slightly as you look at him.
“These aren’t bad,” you say, genuinely surprised.
Jungkook shakes his head, his grin almost teasing. “I guess you do like disappointment after all.”
You nudge him with your dirty boot, mock offense in your voice. “Fuck you.”
You both laugh, the moment light and easy, until something catches your attention.
The sky is dark and grey even though it's afternoon. The type of weather you spend inside your home with the heater on and pretending you're spending it alone cause your husband's out having an affair. That's what it feels like, like a sadness but relief at the same time. Still no snow, wait—
“Oh my gosh, is that a snowflake?” You lean forward, trying to catch it in the air, but end up getting caught up in your own foot. Jungkook catches you though, holds you close to him as your hands grip his jacket for stability.
Or gosh, you're so stupid. How could you—
“Careful,” he warns, his hand staying on your jacket like he’s not quite trusting you to keep your balance.
You feel a little silly, but he doesn’t let go of you for it. Instead, he keeps you close and holds out his hand, and a snowflake lands gently in his palm. You glance at it for a second, before it melts away. Anti-climactic.
Mm, just like everything.
You both stare at his hand like it holds a secret, something sacred in the world. Like the snowflake is a messiah sent to save you but leaves like everyone.
“It’s snowing,” you comment quietly, looking up at the sky. You encourage Jungkook to look, but he can't cause he's looking at you, and he prefers that.
You only realize how close Jungkook is when you glance at him. This is definitely some sort of level 10 invasion of personal space. You're right under his pink-blushed nose, watching how foggy breath leaves his slightly parted lips. His hand on your jacket tightens, like he’s worried you might disappear with the next gust of wind, or maybe you’ll melt with the snowflake. The snow slowly increases.
Clearing your throat, you finally step away.
“Never met someone who likes winter this much,” he marvels at the idea, the playful edge gone from his voice and replaced with one deeper and more sincere, embarrassed even.
You laugh nervously, stepping back a little more, suddenly feeling exposed. “I used to visit my family during this time. Since I can’t now... I guess I used the snow to remind myself of what it was like, you know? It kinda feels like seeing them again.”
It hits you suddenly. You miss home. You miss the people who were never perfect, but they were still yours.
“My mom always hated the snow,” Jungkook says, his voice light. “My dad too... because he was lazy to shovel it.” He laughs, and you join in. “I actually enjoyed shoveling it, though.”
You laugh, a little louder than you mean to. “Probably why you’re so buff.” The words slip out before you can stop them. You cringe inwardly, but Jungkook doesn’t seem to mind.
He smirks, clearly enjoying your discomfort. “You said you needed your bike to visit your family.”
You pause, a little thrown off. He’s right. You had.
“Well, now you’ve got your bike,” Jungkook says, a hint of mischief in his voice. “We should go see them.”
Your eyes widen in surprise. “See them?” you ask like the concept is unfathomable.
Jungkook nods, eyes twinkling, eyelashes catching snowflakes. “Come on, it’ll be fun. I’ll pay for both our gas.”
You suck in a breath, already feeling the nerves bubble up. “You want to travel to Busan with me? Or do you have some ulterior motive?”
“Yes,” he says simply, grinning. “If spending time with you counts as an ulterior motive, then yes.”
You bite your lip, hesitant, but the idea lingers. It's sad cause you've already considered it, but you never thought he would bring it up. A sickening feeling settles in your stomach, your throat, your mind, one thing Jungkook doesn't know is that you already texted your father years ago, but each December, you stare at the text; it feels like it's been sent just then. So instead of explaining it, you just pull out your phone. Confused, Jungkook still takes the phone and reads the first thing he sees.
Mom: Your dad doesn't want you to visit for Christmas anymore. We all don't.
And that's the last text. No explanation and no questioning from you. You just accepted it. Jungkook puts the phone aside and looks at you. Face long.
You turn to him, eyes a little glossy. "I lied to you; that's the reason I don't visit them." You reach to take your phone, but he puts it in his pocket, as if he's protecting you from it.
Jungkook sighs to himself and, trying to clear the air, says, "Well, you lie a lot."
You smack him, and he screams in faux pain.
"I'm not a liar; I just don't wanna be trauma dumping on you."
"You can tell me anything, you know?"
"That's what they all say. Gimme my phone." He ignores the hand that reaches for his phone and instead gets on his bike.
"Follow me."
You have no choice but to, where the hell is this guy taking you.
His place is where he takes you.
It’s a small city apartment. Warm. Quiet in a way that feels intentional, no blinking lights, no Christmas clutter, just soft lamps and the faint hum of the city outside. It feels lived in, but guarded. Like him.
You barely get a chance to say anything about it when his hand is on your wrist, gentle but certain, guiding you to the couch. He sits first and pulls you down with him, not on top of him, not facing him, just into him. And it's like falling into a pile of snow; you never really know how deep it goes.
An embrace. Simple, soft, and firm.
You stiffen at first, not used to the affection, past you would've pushed him away, but of late, you've dropped your guard for Jungkook, more like because of him. Even your own parents have never held you like this.
You want to laugh. You want to comment on his décor. You want to ask why your chest suddenly feels so tight. You want to ask...
“What are you doing?” you murmur.
“Shh,” he says, low and calm like a tide slowly pulling you in to drown you.
He rocks you slightly, like he’s anchoring you to the room, to him. And you do, it's sickening, but you still won't deny.
“I’m not a baby, Jungkook,” you say, breath hitching despite yourself.
“I know,” he answers more sincerely, like he's thinking about something deeper. Your phone in his pocket. Jungkook grew up in foster care; his parents never wanted him, so he bounced around homes, never knowing what stability is. And shit like that fucks a kid up. Your parents not wanting you. But for you, he thinks it's worse 'cause you knew your parents, you grew up with them, you loved them, you knew them, but in the end, it didn't matter, they didn't want you anyway. He's glad he never knew his parents. Whispering into your hair, he says, "You just don’t let yourself rest enough.”
That’s what does it.
You don’t cry, not really, but something inside you loosens, and your head tilts against his shoulder before you can stop it. His hand finds the back of your neck, thumb warm there, grounding. You just stare at him and him at you, trying to undress each other mentally. Trying to read the other.
The kiss doesn’t happen right away.
It comes later, after the quiet settles, after your breathing evens out, after you realize he hasn’t tried to move you once. When you finally lift your head, your faces are closer than you expect.
You hesitate.
He waits.
So you close the distance.
The kiss is slow. Careful. Like a question neither of you is rushing to answer. When his hand cups your cheek, it’s not possessive. It’s reverent. Your hand on his chest is to ground yourself; you don't need to lose yourself into this man anymore.
Your mouths open to let more of each other in. He pulls you onto his lap, his hand not leaving the back of your neck and yours not leaving his chest. You're crying; why are you crying? Is it cause of the way he holds you like he doesn't want you far? Is it 'cause he wants you? Is it 'cause you watched the snow fall with him? Is it 'cause you want him forever?
"I'll always be here for you; I'll always want you." He says between kisses and he swears it as he wipes your tears. Jungkook has never wanted someone or wanted to be there for someone like he does with you. It's more than physical; it's spiritual, it's of the soul. Something predestined and inevitable. Jungkook has never known a home, and he's always tried to search for one, and the moment he gives up searching, he finds it in you. All this searching just for his home to be a person. To be you.
Jungkook holds you like a late snowflake, careful, gentle, and not about to let go anytime soon. Your lips tremble against his, and he calms them with a bite. Your teeth clash with how much you're melting into each other, but it's nothing that can stop. Honestly, nothing can stop you right now. You don't even notice anything outside of this.
After that, things unfold naturally. Soft laughter between kisses. Shared warmth as you eat and as you lay in his bed. The rest of the night disappears behind soft breaths against each other, whispered reassurances, and the kind of closeness that feels earned, not taken.
By morning, you’re still there. Still held.
“Just for the weekend,” jungkook says, both not entirely convinced it’s a good idea.
“I’m gonna need someone to cover my shift,” you say, already thinking about logistics.
-
Present.
“I’ll always be here for you.” “I’ll always want you.”
You’ve battled with yourself if his words were true. You kind of have an answer now, but still you doubt. How is it you're the first person he’s told that? What if you’re next? You should’ve thought about that. You should’ve thought about everything like you always did, but with him your mind numbed. A drunken daze that had you dropping your guard like your panties.
You and Jungkook have left the café by now and are walking down the cold street. Side by side.
You don't pay attention to much of everything else; the city looks the same.
“I miss talking to you, you know.” Jungkook admits, letting everything off his chest. He looks for a reaction but you give none—not on your face, though. And he’s never felt so far from you. He hates the coldness. Not the one caused by December but the one that you give.
He breathes in and sighs before confessing again. Slower and deeper this time.
“I wish you would’ve just hit me,” you freeze when he says it. “Wish you had showed me how upset you were instead of leaving.”
Is he right? Leaving felt like the right thing to do at the time. It's what you wanted to do, were you being selfish?
Finally giving up, you confess as well. “It didn’t feel as good as I thought it would.” You finally lift your head to look at the sky. Messages from the clouds would be so nice right now.
“Do it.” Jungkook says, pulling you into the side of the road, and pulling your hands to your chest.
“Jungkook, I can—”
“That’s all I have ever wanted to hear, how upset you are with me, how much you hate me. If there's anything I need more than anything is for you to tell me how much you hate me right now.”
You can't say you don't 'cause you do, but you hate yourself too. So you don't think it's fair to just throw words at him.
“Just tell me. Please.”
You can’t, but he begs. You can—
“I hate that you lied to me, I hate that you paid for my bike, I hate you for talking to me, that was very stupid of you. And I hate you for every existence, I wish you die—” You stop yourself before you finish, 'cause you didn't mean it, and you look into his eyes to tell him that but he's already accepted it.
His head droops and you hate yourself for even saying anything but he cuts your thoughts off and looks at you. Through dark warm brown eyes you remember are dark, yes. But empty. Cold, lifeless.
“It’s okay. You’re good,” he reassures before saying. “I wish I died too.”
However, he did experience a little of that death. First when it happened and second when you left.
And unfortunately not even death could save him from the torment.
Flashback
Christmas finds you at Ryujin’s house, wedged in her dining table chair while her mom moves around the kitchen like a woman on a mission. Every time either of you tries to help, she waves you off with a firm, “Sit, sit,” as if assistance would personally offend her.
So you sit there and suffer under Ryujin’s stare.
She’s watching you with that familiar, menacing little smile, the one that means she knows something, or thinks she does.
“What?” you ask finally.
“Spill it.”
“Spill what?” You frown at her.
“Who you’re seeing,” she says easily. “You’ve been busy lately.”
You laugh as if offended she would think that. Like, who does she think you are to fall for a man? Pfft. “Nobody,” you say too quickly, and you have to lie that it's a coincidence the image of Jungkook pops up in your mind. “I’m just busy with work.”
“Mmm, really?” She hums, unconvinced.
You nod anyway. It doesn’t help. But she lets it go for now.
“In that case,” she says brightly, “I have someone for you.”
You shake your head immediately. “Not interested.”
“Come on, Y/N. How else are we supposed to go on double dates?”
“Double dates?” You blink. “You don’t even have a boyfriend.”
And then you see it—the look on her face. Subtle. Triumphant.
“…Wait,” you say slowly. “You have a boyfriend? Since when?”
“I’m not telling,” she says, smug.
“Don’t worry, Y/N dear,” her mom chimes in from the kitchen. “She doesn’t want to tell me either.”
“I was gonna invite him today, but I changed my mind.” Ryujin shrugs. “Just know that I like him. He likes me. He’s sweet, handsome, and we’ve been together since July.”
Since July? Wow, she's really keeping secrets. So you guess it's fine that you're hiding Jungkook too.
“I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“You will,” she says calmly. “In time.” She jeers, and you both laugh.
Her mom sets the last dish on the table and claps her hands together. “Okay, girls. Let's pray and eat.”
And so Ryujin prays, and though you've never been religious, you always pray when you're here, and it is weirdly comforting. But you think it's because of the hope of it all and not because shit happens when you pray. After the prayer, Ryujin shoots you one last look,’this isn’t over’,and you sigh, picking up your fork, already bracing yourself for the inevitable.
The food is amazing as usual, and you make sure to let Ryujin's mom know. Working at the café, most of your meals are not homemade, but it's free, so that's good enough for you. But they can never replace that feeling of eating home-cooked food by a mother. You get Jungkook now. You don’t think you’ll ever forget Christmas meals. Ryujin's mom asks you about life and how everything's going, you know, like a mother would ask, and you let her in on everything, except Jungkook. And she nods and gives you advice, but it's not anything condescending or secretly malicious.
"I still think you could go back to school, get a degree and all that; there are a lot of scholarships for that, dear."
You nod, starting to play with your food.
"Yeah, I know; I've been thinking about it. Maybe next year."
"As soon as possible, darling. I just don't want to see you working that job forever; do they even pay you well?"
You shake your head, and she cusses.
Ryujin immediately chimes in with a query she's had. "By the way, how'd you pay for your bike?" She asks innocently, but you react anything but that.
Your hands immediately tuck under the table.
"Took out a loan."
Ryujin immediately grumbles. "From the bank?" When you nod, she frowns. "Yn, I told you to take a loan from me; it'll be less demanding."
"Yes, but I don't want a loan to come between us. Have you seen what it does to people?"
Ryujin just shakes her head.
"You're so stubborn." She says, and dinner goes on.
At the end of dinner, your phone buzzes against your thigh just as Ryujin’s mom starts clearing plates.
You turn it over to check, and your heart immediately speeds up.
Jungkook: Come over. I'm cold.
You stare at the screen longer than necessary, heart giving itself away before you can stop it. And kind of embarrassed that the text moved you.
Ryujin notices immediately.
“You’re smiling,” she says, suspicious. “Who is it?”
“No one,” you lie automatically, already hiding your phone and pushing your chair back. “I—uh—there’s something I need to do.”
“At night?” she asks, raising a brow.
You grab your jacket. “I’ll text you.”
She watches you wear your boots, eyes sharp, following you all the way to the door. When you glance back, she’s still standing there, arms crossed, like she’s trying to memorize the moment.
"Thanks for another wonderful Christmas. I love you guys." You give a small bow before they say it back to you.
“Be safe,” her mom calls gently.
“Always,” you say, though you’re not sure that’s true.
The snow has thickened by the time you’re on your bike. Heavy. Quiet. The world feels muted in many ways, like it’s holding its breath with you.
Streetlights blur, and the cold seeps through your gloves. Still, you ride faster than you should.
Because it’s Jungkook.
Because it’s always him.
When you pull up to his place, parking where you always do, snow clinging to your lashes, you find that he’s already outside. Hoodie. Beanie. Hands shoved into his pockets like he’s been waiting longer than he’ll admit.
“You’re crazy,” he says softly as he pulls you into him instantly, brushing snow from your hair.
“So are you,” you reply, pressing your nose to his. It's so hard not to smile with him.
Inside, the warmth hits you all at once. The door barely clicks shut before his mouth is on yours, slow at first, like he’s checking if you’re really here. Then deeper. Hungrier. Gloves discarded. Jackets forgotten.
You don’t make it far before he's pulling his shirt off and then yours. Your hands trace over his tattoos, fascinated and proud that you stereotyped him quite well.
"Why'd you get them?" you ask, staring at the tattoos and then back to him. And gosh, if you weren't so cute, he'd be so mad you're interrupting him to ask about his tattoos. "Do they have meanings?"
He kisses your neck and only when he's done does he pull away to answer.
"A couple do." He says, and already sensing your next question, he says, "I'll tell them to you later."
You laugh at the way he knows you. He kisses you slower after that, savoring the taste of your lips.
Time blurs after that. The snow outside. The heat between you. His hands grounding you like the world can’t touch you here.
At some point, his phone buzzes.
He ignores it.
Buzzes again.
Ignored.
Later, much later, when you’re tucked into his side, your cheek on his chest, his fingers tracing lazy lines along your arm. The room is quiet except for your breathing.
His phone lights up again.
This time, he sighs and reaches for it, a little irritated. You have no clue who could be calling him this much; all you can think of is Namjoon, 'cause that's all you know of him. You don't know much else about Jungkook, just like he doesn't about you. But at least he knows where you work.
“Sorry,” he murmurs, kissing your temple before leaving the room to answer the call.
You watch his face when he comes back, trying to read him and not put too much into this. Even though Jungkook has broken your walls, you still have a little fence up for security, and this is the type of shit it's meant to detect.
He comes back in calm. Casual. Too practiced.
When he sets the phone down, you don’t look away. You stare at its black screen and at him.
“You gonna tell me who that was?” you ask lightly, though your chest feels anything but.
He hesitates, just a second, then exhales.
“Work,” he says. “My manager’s covering a shift tomorrow. Keeps forgetting details.”
You search his face. He looks tired. Real. Annoyed, even.
“Oh,” you say quietly. “Okay.” You want to ask what he does for work; he said he had a manager, but he pulls you closer, and into a kiss that has you forgetting your own name.
“Don’t overthink,” he whispers. "Let's not think." Kisses your forehead and lips like it’s a promise to make you stop thinking. And it's working.
You nod against him, letting yourself believe it, for now, while the snow keeps falling outside, steady and unforgiving.
-
Present day
Pretending has been a huge part of your relationship. To the point that it's hard to determine what's true or not. Whether you genuinely feel it or you just want to feel it 'cause it's the closest you’ll get to it.
Whatever it is, are you willing to pretend for the rest of your life, or any longer?
“People get through this, you know?” Jungkook informs you as you walk across the bridge. You can't help but get an unsettling chill when you stare at the frozen lake under. You haven’t swum since. You miss it.
People do get through it. You’ve seen it. But honestly, how far through it can you go? What if everybody's pretending too?
Jungkook isn't even sure too; it's just something he’s trying to believe and hoping to convince you too.
Nevertheless, you’ll probably keep pretending, 'cause not pretending means wanting Jungkook and immense guilt. 'Cause…
“But I’ll never forget. And that's enough to make me unhappy.” You pause by the edge of the bridge and stare down.
“Yn,” Jungkook holds onto your jacket, and you chuckle and walk away from the edge.
“I don't want to be happy anymore, Jungkook. I don't care. I don't deserve it.” You give a weak smile. “I’ve tried to be happy, Kook, but it doesn't even last long until I feel like shit again.” You rub your arm.
“It’s not linear.” He walks closer to you. “You’ll be happy then sad, then happy again until you can finally be happy.”
You look up at him, and it's like that's what it takes to give up the facade. His eyes. His attention. His comfort.
Your face drops, so do your shoulders, and he’s there to catch them.
You shake your head to cover the tears as you say, “Everything just feels like pretend, and I don't want to feel that way.”
“I know.” He immediately pulls you into a hug. “I’ll fix this.”
You grip his coat, sinking into his warmth and allowing yourself some peace in a while.
“I just want everything back like it was.” It's a bold statement to make when things even before were not as great, but he gets what you mean.
“I wish things were better too. Wish we had time.” He whispers into your hair. He holds you tighter. “To get to know each other more.”
Which is funny 'cause even in all that little knowledge, Jungkook was your everything. The only thing.
“A chance to fix it at least.” You're the one who says it, and it causes Jungkook’s heart to flutter 'cause that's all he wants. But when he stares into your eyes, he’s saddened because your declaration is just a mere wish.
Even though you could, he doesn’t see any intention from you. Just mere desire and hope, 'cause you’ll never let yourself be happy again.
-
Flashback
It's the next year's December, and not much has changed. Well, in terms of your life, when it comes to you and Jungkook, you have changed. A lot. You're closer, whether that be physically or emotionally. And even though you don't spend every day with each other, you're often together. He still comes to the café like an addict.
You feel like the December has changed as well, or maybe it's the same and it's the person viewing it who's changed. Hmph. You have changed, haven't you? Because never in your years of life did you think you'd want a man so close to you that you could merge. Past you would be so disappointed.
You and Jungkook are in the kitchen finishing off some cupcakes you made with icing. You never grew up with parents who liked to bake or taught it, but working at the café, you've learned one or two things.
You lick the icing off your fingers, and Jungkook can't help but be obsessed with the most mundane things you do. He just wants to wrap his arms around you and stay attached to you as you move around. And he does. It's quiet for a moment as you sink into his love and affection—the kind of quiet that only exists when two people have grown used to each other.
Ah, and then you remember.
"I'm going on a camping trip for a few days," you say casually, eyes fixed on the one cupcake that can't be arsed to look good. "So I don't think I'll see you for some time."
He tucks his head deeper into your neck. "Camping? In December?" he says against your neck, causing you to giggle from how it tickles.
"Yeah," you shrug. "It's actually fun. We should try it sometime." So comfortable that you're making plans to spend more time together. Lol. What's next, meeting his family?
He smiles at that. Easy. Familiar. "You should invite me to this one."
You suck in a dramatic breath before you can stop yourself.
"I really can't do that."
His smile falters. Just slightly. "Why?" He pulls back slightly to take a look at your face.
You finally pull away from him, knowing what you're about to say—it makes sense that the room feels a little too crowded. And even though you like to ignore it, your relationship with Jungkook is crowded with many questions and things that haven't been discussed. You try to speak, but suddenly, the words feel heavier than they should.
"Because you're not my boyfriend," you say carefully, not wanting to meet his gaze. "And I don't want to confuse my friends with… whatever this is."
Jungkook raises a brow. "Whatever this is?" he echoes, amused. "Baby, this is a relationship." He moves into your space.
"Well," you counter, meeting his gaze now, "you haven't asked me to be your girlfriend. So you're not my boyfriend."
The room goes quiet. He studies you for a moment, like he's a machine researching for data on what to do now, like he didn't realize this was the line you'd drawn. Then he laughs softly, shaking his head, dark locks moving, and you just want to run your hands through them.
"You're serious," he says.
"Dead serious." You place your hands on the counter.
He leans back, running a hand through his hair. "So what, you need a title?"
You scoff, but he's asking genuinely. "I need clarity," you correct. "Those are different."
You're starting to get upset—is this the foolery you should have been searching for? He looks at you again, this time more openly. Less playful. Something thoughtful in his expression.
Jungkook doesn't laugh. He just stares at the floor like the moments you spent together are replaying in his mind, and he realizes some important thing slipped past him. When he looks up again, his expression is different, less certain, more careful.
"…I thought," he starts, then stops. He exhales and rubs the back of his neck. "I thought it was obvious."
You tilt your head. "Obvious to who?"
"To me," he admits. "And that's on me." He realizes the selfishness in that. Which makes you wonder who this relationship is even for. Are you two together for each other or yourselves? Does it serve yourselves or each other? You hate to think about it; you don't want to. This whole thing was so sudden you didn't get to set your goals and expectations, and now you're reaping it in the form of confusion and uncertainty. And the fear that maybe, just maybe, you and Jungkook are just a December thing.
The words land heavier than any joke ever said.
"I've never really… done this right," he continues. "I didn't realize I was asking you to live in the in-between."
You feel your throat tighten, but you stay quiet. Letting him finish.
"I'm sorry," he says, finally meeting your eyes. "I should've asked. I should've made it clear."
He shifts closer, not touching you yet, like he's giving you space to pull away if you want.
"I don't want confusion," he says softly. "I want you. Properly."
Your breath catches.
"So," he adds, voice stable now, "if you're still willing… will you be my girlfriend?"
The question is simple. Earnest. No teasing. No shortcuts.
You smile before you can stop yourself, something warm and relieved breaking across your face. And if you've ever been given the chance to prove to the universe that you're actually good at reading people and you're not a fool, it's this time. And whether you pass or fail is up to the universe to decide.
"Yeah," you say. "I'd like that."
His shoulders relax instantly, like he's been holding something in for months without realizing it. He lets out a quiet laugh, shaking his head.
"God," he murmurs. "I really should've done that sooner."
You lean into him this time, and when his arm comes around you, it feels different—not heavier, not tighter, just certain.
He kisses you. No, you kiss him. You give him everything you've said and promised to never give a man.
You've been trying to detect foolery from the wrong person. _
The camping site is quieter than you expected. But it should be, 'cause you plan on relaxing here. The snow dusts the ground in thick patches; all the trees are bare, tall, and have branches that go every which way. They stand like patient witnesses. You wonder how much they've witnessed, they've been here for years, so you assume a lot. It's beautiful. And just know that Jungkook would love to hear what you think they've seen; he would have theories of his own too.
Ryujin drops her bag with a grunt and looks around, hands on her hips.
"Okay," she says. "Not bad."
You weren't stupid to go camping just the two of you; you have some of Ryujin's friends with you. Though you don't talk much to them. Maybe that's why you don't have many friends. It's your fault.
You unzip your backpack and crouch, already regretting the tent situation. "You said you knew how to set this up." You say, staring at the tent.
"I do," she says confidently. Then pauses. "…Mostly."
You snort and sit back on your heels. "We're gonna freeze to death before we finish." You hear one of Ryujin's friends say that they're gonna get a fire going; you watch as she agrees.
You read the instruction manual, and you've been at it for some time now.
"It's fine," she waves you off to stop bothering with the tent. "My boyfriend's coming later."
You blink and look up at her. "He is?"
"Yeah. He's bringing the stuff I forgot to buy," she says, already pulling her phone out. "Blankets. Extra food. The heater thing."
"You planned this?" you ask, incredulous.
"I strategized." She grins. "Didn't you say you wanted to meet him?"
You guess so. And now you have to wait.
After a while, the tent is half-standing from your efforts, in a way that feels insulting, and you finally give up. You carry mugs down to the lake instead, the surface glossy and still. How do the fishes survive? Snowflakes fall on the surface of the water and melt, then freeze again to form the thick ice.
You sit shoulder to shoulder with Ryujin on a fallen log, steam curling into the cold air.
"Life feels weird lately," Ryujin says suddenly. "But like in a weirdly good way, like it all feels wrong but right at the same time."
You hum in agreement. "Yeah. Like you're not sure you should be enjoying it." You stare into your cup.
She nudges your knee with a cheeky grin. "You thinking about him?"
You don't deny it. Just laugh it off. She takes a sip of her drink.
"You've been in love before, right?"
Ryujin nods. "Many."
You laugh and glance at her. "How did you know?"
She thinks for a moment and chooses not to tease you about it. "It stopped feeling like guessing. I didn't feel like I was auditioning for something. It just felt easy. Seeing each other was easy, saying I love yous was easy, and fighting was easier too. Making up was even better."
You both laugh before you swallow, staring at the falling snow.
"It felt… calm," she continues. "Even when things were messy."
That sits with you. The way Jungkook looks at you when you talk. The way he listens. The way he asked, properly.
"Sometimes I wonder," you say slowly, "if maybe it's just about feeling chosen."
Ryujin smiles softly. "Exactly."
Her phone buzzes, and you both stare at it.
"Oh… he's close," she says, standing. "Finally." You can see the smile that grows on her face.
You pull your phone out instinctively, thumb hovering over Jungkook's name. You think about texting him something small. I wish you were here. Or maybe, I miss you. Or I love you.
"So your boyfriend, do you love him?" You stand as well.
She smiles. "Wouldn't be bringing him over if I didn't." Ryujin straightens suddenly before you can think anymore. You were really enjoying the chat; it's one you've never had with her. And something that has you genuinely thinking about your feelings.
"Hey," she says brightly, lifting her hand to wave over someone. "Over here!"
You look up to see who she's talking to, and the world tilts.
Him.
Jungkook steps out of his truck and into view through the trees, bundled up in a puffer jacket, duffel bag slung over his shoulder like camping is nothing new to him. Snow clings to his dark hair. His breath fogs the air.
Unmistakable. Real. Here.
"Y/N," Ryujin says, turning toward you, completely unaware. "This is my boyfriend—"
You look away before she can finish. Somehow your phone slips from your hand, but you catch it, screen still lit with his chat open. You're fine until suddenly, the cold feels very, very sharp and wet. No, it's not the cold—the cold doesn't fill your lungs; that's water.
You fell into the lake, and you didn't even realize. If it wasn't for instinct, you would've let yourself drown.
That's what you deserve, for falling for such a man and still thinking about him in your last moments.
Ryujin screams, and Jungkook breaks ice with his fist to try and reach you. But you're moving too fast and away. Blood mixes with the icy water that he doesn't feel.
He doesn't even hear Ryujin beg for him to do something, even though he's doing everything.
Eventually, he reaches you and pulls you out. And you're unconscious, and you could've fooled him 'cause you look so at peace, like you do when you're laying with him.
-
Present day
You watch the groups of different types of people that walk by. Boyfriends with their girlfriends, husbands with their wives and children. All stages of love. You force a smile, happy for them. Life is so unfair, but yet still fair in its unfairness.
You might envy a relationship and call foul on how you don't have that, but how sure are you that what you need or even want can be found in there?
Who are you to think that everything you need, want, and deserve is in Jungkook? Who are you kidding, He was everything to you. He was your one month in a year and soon became all twelve.
Maybe that's where your foolishness comes in. How can you fall for the first thing that shows up? What if you need to go out and look for more? Jungkook isn't the end all be all of love. Maybe someone out there can give you that and more.
You stare at him, curious as he watches people as well, but when they turn to you, you look away.
But honestly, you don't want anything other than him. You don't care if there's more out there; you want him and everything he can give. But…
You can't have that.
"Why are you punishing me?" Jungkook starts, shutting your mind and mouth. "Why are you punishing yourself?"
You know what he's referring to: a couple just walked in front of you. And it seems you were both thinking the same thing.
You scoff. "You're one to ask."
"You know what I mean."
"No, I don't, Jungkook. I don't know what anything means," you stand. "Especially when it comes to you."
He reaches out, but you move back.
"I've known you for years, but I feel like I know you less and less."
"You do know me."
"Holy shit, Jungkook, you didn't tell me about—ugh—and you expect me to trust that I know who you are?"
"I know what you're feeling."
"No, you don't, because if you did, you would let me go without the guilt."
"Me? You're feeling guilt because you still love me." He declares. "It only gets stronger. I know, because I still love you."
-
Flashback
Jungkook is halfway through an apology about traffic when his eyes drift past Ryujin.
And then he stops.
At first, his brain refuses to place you. You’re just a shape near the lake, bundled up, familiar in a way that doesn’t make sense here. The cold must be messing with him, he thinks. That, or exhaustion.
Then you shift.
Just slightly. Enough for him to catch the line of your jaw. The way your shoulders sit when you’re trying not to be noticed.
His chest tightens.
No.
No, no, no—
“—and I brought the extra blankets,” he finishes absently, words leaving his mouth on autopilot as his focus locks onto you.
You don’t look at him.
That’s when it hits.
You’re here.
Not a coincidence. Not a trick of the December light. You...standing by the lake, arms folded tight like you’re bracing against more than the cold.
His grip tightens on the duffel strap.
Oh.
Everything rearranges itself in his head with a sickening clarity.
Ryujin turns, smiling, completely unaware. “Y/N, this is—”
He doesn’t hear the rest.
Because you look away.
And that hurts more than surprise ever could.
The snow starts falling heavier then, like the universe is deciding this moment deserves a soundtrack.
He swallows, heart pounding, not with guilt exactly, but with the realization that something fragile just slipped into a place where it can’t be ignored anymore.
He hadn’t expected this.
But standing there, seeing you like this...too close and impossibly far at the same time, he knows one thing with absolute certainty.
Whatever this is now…
It’s going to matter.
He can’t have any other thought when he watches you slip on some rock and break through the ice and sink fast.
It's second nature after that.
-
The hospital smells like antiseptic and overheated air. It's just too strong or he's just so weak right now that everything affects him.
You sit propped up against white pillows, hair tangled, skin pale but alive. A nurse has just left, the door swinging softly behind her.
Jungkook and Ryujin sit by a bench right outside your room, hands clasped too tightly together.
“Thank you for helping her, baby,” Ryujin says quietly. Jungkook nods. “I don’t know what I would’ve—”
“Hey.” He cuts in gently. “It’s okay. She’s okay.”
He says it like he needs to hear it too.
Ryujin turns her head toward him. “Is your hand okay?”
He glances down at the bandage and shrugs. “It’s fine. Go check on her first.” He tries not to look at anything, cause then he'd realise that this isn't a dream.
When Ryujin walks into the room, you think your blood pressure drops but it's just your heart. “You feeling alright?” she says with that sweet voice.
You exhale a weak laugh. “Sorry for ruining the trip.” you say instead.
She shakes her head immediately. “Don’t even bother. We can camp anytime. This doesn’t matter.” There's a silence before she says. "Plus it was just an excuse for you to meet Jungkook." She confesses.
You watch each other for a second, then you sigh. “They’re saying I might have pneumonia.” You say dryly before adding. "That shit kills you know."
“That’s not funny.” Ryujin says, setting herself next to you. You flinch when she touches your arm, like she can sense it's the place Jungkook’s touched and kissed. All those places burn under her gaze, an innocent and unknowing gaze.
“Hey,” she says sharply. “Don’t talk like that.” She rubs your arm and you want to cry. You could've really died huh, you can still feel the cold icy water in your lungs, even though it's probably just a placebo
"I need you here you're my best friend. " she confesses and you wipe a tear off yourself. She does the same to her own.
You sniffle. “Thank your boyfriend for me, okay?” She give a faint smile. “He seems like a keeper.”
Your throat tightens talking about it.
“He is,” she continues, proud. “See? I told you.” Then, after a beat says, “But I think you should tell him yourself.”
She calls for him and he immediately walks in. His shyness not matching the broad and tall nature of his frame. It's odd seeing him like that, like the life has been drained from him.
You're not sure if the hurt from breathing is from your lungs failing or from all this.
Same jacket you've seen in his closet, same face, same everything, it feels like the universe is playing a joke on you that isn’t funny enough to laugh at.
“Y/N wants to talk to you,” Ryujin says softly smiling, not even a tiny bit aware. You know that's a good thing.
You huff out a weak chuckle that turns into a vapid cough halfway through. “Not much to talk about,” you mutter after you're done. When you look up everyone is staring at you like you just said something inappropriate. But you soon realise it's the cough. You're coughing blood. You brush it off and note to tell the doctor.
“Take it easy.” Ryujin says scared as hell, the last time she saw someone cough blood was just before her dad died. It was yours too and now it's your turn.
You nod, swallowing. “I just… wanted to say thank you. For saving me.” you say to Jungkook.
He shakes his head, noble. “No problem,” he says, too quickly. Too carefully. "I'm just glad you're okay."
Are you okay? No and you're sure he knows that.
“I’ll be back,” Ryujin says, already slipping out to get something from Jungkook’s truck.
The silence she leaves behind is unbearable. It's cold and you could cut it with an axe. Feels like being frozen in a block of ice, frozen next to Jungkook.
Jungkook stands at the foot of the bed and doesn't say anything until...
“I didn’t know,” he says finally. Not defensive. Not angry. Just honest. “I never knew you two were…”
You nod, eyes fixed on the floor. “I didn’t know it was you.”
Another pause.
“I should’ve told you,” he adds quietly. “About… there being someone else.”
Everything clicks then.
You swallow. “I should’ve asked more questions.” you really should have, cause nothing ever happens just for your happiness, the universe isn't your friend like that.
He shakes his head once. “No. That one’s on me.” not everything can be on him and you wish he could just blame you for something as well.
You glance up and he looks exhausted. Not performatively guilty. Just disappointed in himself.
“I never meant for things to get this far,” he says. “With her. I didn’t think they would.”
“You’ve been with her longer, Jungkook.” you say taking a lot from your lungs.
It isn’t an accusation. It’s a realization you both can’t ignore.
That’s the worst part.
Ryujin’s footsteps crunch faintly somewhere down the hallway, close enough to be an escape. Neither of you takes it.
“I care about you a lot Y/N,” he says finally. “I just didn’t realize I was—”
You cut him off with the tears that come on their own. They don’t fall neatly. They break, they consume, they burn and freeze at the same time. You've never been a loud crier, and you never realized how good it felt.
“You should’ve just let me die, Kook.” You say between sobs thinking about the severity of the situation. The words leave your mouth before you can stop them. You’re crying for too many things to separate, betrayal, guilt, relief, longing, shame. Love, want, need. You need Jungkook, you want him to hold you, and tell you everything's gonna be okay, and that he's gonna be there for you. That's what you would do on any normal given day, but not today, because he's the reason for your tears.
“Hey‐no.” He steps closer, panic in his voice. “Don’t say that.” You sob.
He doesn’t touch you, like he knows he doesn’t have the right. Not right now.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, voice breaking. “I really fucking am. This is my fault. Not yours. It was never yours.”
You don't want to believe it. That’s the problem. Because if you believe it things will never be the same. They can’t be.
And still…you want them to be.
-
Present day
The hike up the hill is wet with snow. Branches crack under your steps, and each snap feels like bringing attention to the situation. It feels like the birds, trees, stones, and earth judge and condemn you. Fuck, you thought there would only be one reason to make you visit here difficult. Foolish thought.
“You okay?” Jungkook asks. You nod.
Well, sort of nod. In between a nod and a shake of your head.
Cause what the hell are you doing here? And how the hell did you both find yourselves here? Of course, a decision and a ride in his car did, but who the hell thought it would be a good idea? Not like last time was any good. In fact, that was the day you had decided, and now a year later you’re brought back to decide again. You feel sick, no, you are sick.
You and Jungkook walk through the snow, feeling like you know the place more, you take the lead and walk fast trying to get this over with. You don't want to cry. Only good people get to cry.
You were sure Jungkook was following right behind you, but from a quick check into the snow behind you, you find that you’d been walking alone for a while. In searching, you spot Jungkook on his knees, fist digging into the snow. Your heart falls, now you’re gonna cry for sure.
“Jungkook,” you say rushing to him. When you get close, you hear him cry. You don't say anything.
He sits up on his heels and looks up to you like in prayer. He prays all this grief crushes him and kills him.
You walk closer, shocked to see him so broken and beaten up. You thought he was dealing with it better than you. But that was selfish and harsh to think that. He did lose.
There’s no winner in this game with grief.
You touch his hair, and his arms immediately tighten in the soil. Tears fall down your cheeks.
“I can’t do it,” he pleads. “I-I can’t.” He weeps and begs like you can do anything about it.
“We’re already here, Jungkook. No point in turning back. We’ve always been here.”
It's only fair that you both stay trapped in this place for life as well.
-
Flashback
You tried to stop, you really did, for the whole year, but there's just something about December. You’re bewitched to want him during this cold and dark month.
You step back first.
“We should stop,” you say, even as your fingers curl into his sleeve, not wanting him to go.
He nods immediately. “Yeah.”
Neither of you moves though.
His hand drops from your waist—and then they stay there, hovering, like they don't know where else to go. Your breath catches. You hate that it does. You hate yourself.
“This isn’t fair,” you whisper.
“I know,” he says, just as quietly. Getting closer.
You pull away another inch. He lets you. That’s the worst part, that he lets you, he’s trying too. But when you look up, he’s already looking at you.
Still here. Still soft. Still you. Still yours and you still his.
Your attempt at strength cracks in the silence.
He exhales your name like he’s bracing himself, like saying it might steady him. It doesn’t.
“I don’t want hurt anyone,” he says.
“It's too late for that, don't you think?” you reply, and you don’t know if that’s true or just what you need to believe.
When he leans in this time, it’s slower. Careful. Like he’s giving you every chance to leave.
You don’t.
And when his forehead rests against yours, both of you breathing too hard, you realize this isn’t about desire at all.
It’s about how hard it is to let go of something that still feels like home. Something you're still so attached to that distance can't solve and can only happen in December.
-
Ryujin had invited Jungkook to a Christmas party one of her friends was having. It's the 4th December since you've known Jungkook, and you can feel the difference as you both try to fight through.
The party is going alright; you barely talk to anyone, let alone Jungkook. Jungkook too doesn't seem to like the idea of socializing. You're just there, sat so close but so far away.
Just before midnight, Ryujin pulls Jungkook under a mistletoe, one directly in your view, and you can't help yourself but look. Jungkook looks at you. You look away.
Ryujin’s hands are on Jungkook’s chest, and on her tippy toes trying to kiss him, and he hates it but he doesn't want to. He's been thinking about it, breaking up with Ryujin of course. And heaven knows what has kept him from doing it. Maybe it's the illusion of having more time.
But he’s gonna do it.
Ryujin scoffs and pushes at his chest. "I don't know what the hell is up with you? Why won't you kiss me?" She whines so close to his face, and he can tell how much she's drunk, not too much but enough for her to finally speak out her mind. "I think you're cheating on me."
Jungkook’s eyes snap to her. "What?"
"No other reason. You know what? You're not denying it too, Kook." She says, getting a little louder. From your seat, you can tell it's nothing good. And it goes on for a second until Ryujin is walking up to you and asking you to leave with her. And not wanting to be there anyways, you go out with her.
She's crying and telling you how she knows for sure that Jungkook’s cheating on her and that she wants to get an Uber and go home.
She’s shaking when you get her to stay still, arms wrapped tight around herself, staring down the empty road like she’s daring it to take her somewhere else.
“I’m not getting back in there,” she says.
“I know,” you reply carefully. “Just—let him drive us home and then you can talk when you're calmer. Please. It’s late. And you're drunk.”
She laughs once, sharp and humorless. “Of course you’d say that.” You just take it as her drunk talk, so you ignore it.
You don’t rise to it. You just stand there, letting the silence cool her and yourself down the way you hope it will.
Eventually, she exhales. “Fine.”
Jungkook doesn’t argue when you bring her back. He just nods, jaw tight, eyes already tired. You slide into the back seat. Ryujin takes the passenger side. The doors close with a dull thud, and he begins to drive.
At first, there’s only the sound of tires on asphalt and the faint hum of the engine. No one talks. And you just look out the window, sick to your stomach. Occasionally, you look at both of them, and you can't tell what's going to happen or if you should even be here. Christmas lights blur past the windows, distorted and unreal. And it goes on for some time like that until Ryujin speaks.
“Just tell me if you cheated, Jungkook.” She kept it to herself for a while but couldn't deny it much longer; he's been distant for a year, like he didn’t want her anymore.
Jungkook’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. “Let's talk later, Ryujin.” His voice is low, and with the way you catch his gaze in the rearview, you know he doesn't want to talk about this with you here.
You feel the air shift instantly when she scoffs.
“I wanna talk about it right here, right now, and I want everyone to hear me.” She yells, and you’re taken aback by the sight; you've never seen her like this, even under the influence. And it frightens you honestly.
Jungkook says something back to her, and words stack up fast, resentments half-swallowed for months finally clawing their way out. Things you've never known and none of them had told you, not like it was ever your business. But holy shit, you realize you never really knew both of them. Because the mention of an abortion has you lightheaded and dizzy, and convinced you might just die. Voices stay low, but the tension sharpens, like glass under pressure. And thank god they don't pay any mind to your heavy breathing.
That's until Jungkook’s eyes lift.
Not to the road.
To the rearview mirror.
To you.
It’s brief, barely a second, but it’s enough. You see it: confusion, hurt, something like a question he doesn’t have time to ask.
Your eyes turn to the road, not because you're avoiding his, but because of the bright light that flashes ahead and is followed by the frantic honk of a car.
“Jungkook—” you yell, but it's too late for him to react fast enough to get out of the way completely. The other car slams into the passenger's side.
The world goes silent. Everything feels like it's happening outside of time. Metal screams. Glass explodes. Your body jerks forward, then sideways, then nowhere at all. Sound collapses into ringing and soon into nothing.
When you come back to yourself, the car is still. Too still.
Smoke curls into the night.
You're not moving. You can't; you're trapped in. Blood drips down your body with gravity. And the direction of the blood informs you you're upside-down. Only held by your seat belt. You feel it being cut loose, you falling and being pulled out onto cold, icy asphalt. You lay on the asphalt like it's home, like it's comfort; fuck, you could sleep—.
"Y/N, listen to me, are you okay? Don't sleep." You're so out of it, wondering what just happened, that you don't register Jungkook is already out of the car and is the one who pulled you out and now stumbling around to Ryujin’s side, hands shaking as he pulls the door open and her out. He says her name over and over, softer each time, like lowering his voice might wake her.
Her eyes flutter open.
Just once.
He leans in so close his forehead nearly touches hers. You don’t hear what he says. You only see the way his face breaks when her gaze finally slips away from him.
The sirens arrive too late to matter.
They pull her to the car gently, like she’s already something fragile and distant. Jungkook stands there, empty-handed, his own blood running down his arms without him noticing. And your consciousness slips as well when you try to stand.
At the hospital, everything smells like loss. Time stretches thin while you sit beside him, his hands wrapped in gauze, his stare fixed on the floor like it might explain this. He didn't need much attention because the collision happened on Ryujin’s side. The doctor told you you had a mild concussion, but it's nothing threatening because you're responsive and nothing seems to be affected, you just need to monitor symptoms and come into the hospital for check-ins.
That is until you ask about Ryujin. The doctor doesn’t take long.
“I’m sorry,” is all they say. And her mother who had been called immediately and arrived just before begins to cry and beg. Your head hurts, and everything feels out of this dimension, feels like you've heard wrong. But you didn't. You cry.
And that's it.
Jungkook doesn’t cry. He doesn’t move. He just nods once, like he’s agreeing to something he never wanted to understand.
Christmas ends right there.
Not with lights.
Not with music.
But with the knowledge that the last thing she saw was him, and the last thing he did was look away for a second too long at someone who he shouldn’t have been looking at.
-
Present day
It’s funny how people disappear. Like one second they’re here and the next they’re not. Whether it's in death or just them never caring enough to stay.
You should've just taken an uber home.
It's something the brain can't fathom, and because it can't, it will never forget. It will never be able to complete the task or release them; they will never come back. And so you’ll long, dream, and weep forever. Wondering when they will come back, but how many times can it be said? They will never come back.
You should've just called an uber.
Things should’ve ended better; the world should’ve stopped after that day. The world should’ve stopped, but no, life went on and that's the problem. You don't know whether to call it an uncaring creator or incomplete creation, or maybe a joke. For entertainment purposes.
Is that what you were with Jungkook? Is that what this was?
Both you and Jungkook have calmed down after silence and resorted to letting the snow soak you where you sit and be in silence. How do you even-
“What you said about love?” you start, and it hurts your throat. “About loving me.” Jungkook looks at you. It all feels too heavy to say, but it's better to say it. Let your brain complete the task. “I love you too. Always have.”
Jungkook’s eyes widen before you speak again.
“But I don't know how to be with you, even if I tried.” You’ve liked having him close today; you’ve needed it. But you can't imagine anything more than that; it makes you uncomfortable. You would love to try, but you just can't.
“There’s just so much…” A heavy sigh leaves your breath, and you're shocked how your heart feels lighter. And so, feeling confident, you look at him. Right in the eyes that you found warmth and comfort. “I will always love you. I hope you know that, but I don't know if it's worth it to even try.”
“Listen..”he starts. “I don't care how long it takes,” You stop him.
“That's what you think.” You stand and dust yourself. “Maybe this is our punishment. Let's face it.”
He stands.
“But mine especially, right?”
“Who am I to you, Jungkook? For all I know, I could die too, and you would find someone else.” You spit out, getting angry. There's a lot you want to say to him, but you can't because you did it too. So you’d just be a hypocrite. “Right?”
He doesn't respond. “Y/N.”
“So I’m right.” You scoff and want to walk away, but he tries to stop you. “I’ve accepted my punishment, Jungkook. Accept yours. Or find someone else. I don't care.” You care. It's funny how you’re only at the 2nd stage of your grief. You’ve got a long way to go. You both have too many things to grieve that being together won't solve much. Being with him, you’ll both have to look over your shoulders, worried it will be your turn to experience this as well.
“I’ll never stop loving you.” he confesses.
“Too bad, Jungkook.”
Too bad you’ll never stop as well.
Flashback
The cemetery empties slowly.
People walk away in pairs and clusters, voices low, coats pulled tight against the cold. Someone presses a hand to Jungkook’s shoulder in passing. Someone else murmurs something he doesn’t hear. He nods anyway.
He doesn’t take his eyes off you though.
You stand a few feet from the grave, still, hands folded in front of you like you’re holding yourself together by force alone. Black coat. Black gloves. Your face looks hollow in a way that scares him more than tears would. You stand like the wind alone could blow you over.
When you finally turn, it’s not toward him.
You start walking.
“Y/N,” he calls, too quickly. Too loud. It startles you.
You stop. Just for a second. He takes that as permission and closes the distance before you can change your mind.
“I just—” He swallows. His voice feels foreign in his mouth. “Can we talk?”
You look at him. Really look. There’s nothing there for him to grab onto.
“No,” you say quietly, too tired to form an expression for him to read.
He blinks, biting his lip. “Just for a minute. I won’t—”
“We shouldn’t talk, Jungkook,” you interrupt. Your tone isn’t sharp, but it is. It’s worse than that. It’s settled, done. Or you think you're done. Each word hits like a dream. “Not today. Not later. Not ever.”
The word lands heavy between you.
“I know this is hard,” he says, desperate now. “I know we’re hurting, but it's important that we—”
“Nothing. It's important that we do nothing.” You cut in. Your hands tremble slightly at your sides, but your voice doesn’t. “This doesn’t get fixed by conversations. Or theories. Or apologies.”
He opens his mouth. Closes it. You're so dismissive it's hard for him to not sound like he's forcing you. And he doesn't want that; that's the last thing.
In your mind, you don’t get to be in each other's lives anymore. Not because you're evil; it was an accident. Another car driven by a drunk driver was on the wrong side of the road and hit you. It's not your fault. But because you never deserved any of this. Not Ryujin and her mom, not Jungkook, not love. So you don't need it in your life, because they won't survive.
"You're being selfish right now," he says, not to degrade or insult you.
Tears well in your eyes and they fall angrily. "I've always been selfish, can't you see?" You say a little too passionately. You breathe. Your tears now fall more calmly. "Can't you see what I've done, Kook?"
That’s what finally breaks through him. "You didn't do anything." He tries to reach for you, but you pull away and stare at him.
"I did everything I shouldn't have." You curse under your breath and wipe your tears.
“I never meant to—” he says, defeated.
“I know,” you say. “That’s the problem.”
Silence stretches. Snow crunches somewhere behind you. Someone clears their throat. The world keeps moving, inconsiderate and cruel. Everyone who's attended is probably going to go on and live their normal lives; gosh, you've never even seen or heard of some of these people.
“I loved you,” you add, softer now. And it hurts that this is the first he's hearing that from you. “But I don't think I deserve to enjoy my life right now.”
Because life is going to go on, and that's the worst part, because hers is not.
His eyes burn. “So this is it?” He hates that you want this for yourself. Because the way he knows you and what you're saying, he doesn't trust you to be alone right now. He knows you have nobody now.
You nod once. “Yes.”
He reaches out without thinking, doesn’t touch you. Lets his hand fall back to his side.
You step away.
One step. Then another. Until it's continuous. He watches as you walk past the parked cars, past the last of the mourners, toward the road where the trees thin and the snow gathers pure and untouched.
“Y/N,” he calls again, weaker this time.
You don’t turn around, and he fucking cries. By the time he finds the courage to follow, you’re gone. No footprints. No coat in sight. Just the quiet aftermath of something ending for good. Like a snowflake in his palm, melting away.
Jungkook stands there long after the cemetery empties completely, realizing that grief comes in many forms. And that it can even come in the form of a month.
December.
────── ❅ ❅ ❅ ──────
A/n(1): what do you think about the story, let me and know, let's chat.
Every positive like, comment and reblog and highly appreciated
A/n(2): I wrote this story because, though some of you may not know this, I lost my biological mother two years ago, and nothing has been the same since. We left things on ambiguous terms, which made it hurt even more — especially because I never got the chance to understand the reasons behind everything.
I’ve always been religious, and my mom was too. After her death, I felt like God had cheated me and betrayed me, even though I had loved Him deeply and believed in Him for so long. I started doubting and questioning my faith, and at one point I almost gave up on it completely. Deep down, I know I don’t want to live like that, but it’s hard — because sometimes it feels like I’m fooling myself by trying to believe again.
In this story, Jungkook represents God. Y/N isn’t exactly a self-insert, but she represents me, and Ryujin represents my mom. I still want your honest opinion on the story — please don’t let the meaning behind it stop you from sharing your thoughts. I truly love hearing what you think.
I just ask that you recognize that any emotions you feel toward the characters or situations are the same emotions I feel about my own life and experiences.
Feel free to talk about the story outside of this context too 😊
And if you’re wondering — the ending is open because of the uncertainty I still feel, and the story is ongoing.
Thank you so much for reading and supporting me. I really love you guys.
Synopsis: Years after a tragedy tore them apart, Y/N and Jungkook meet again in the one place neither of them ever stopped visiting. What begins as an awkward reunion slowly turns into a walk through memories they’ve both been running from. With every step through the cold December streets, the past unfolds in fragments — stolen glances, late-night conversations, a love that was never supposed to happen, and a betrayal that costed a life.And in the end, the hardest punishment isn’t being apart.
It’s knowing they deserve to be.
Read here
A/n: looking forward to posting it and hope you like it. I missed tumblr so much. You guys missed me? Lol😆
Will post soon, like tomorrow or the next day.
Let me know what you think and if you want to be apart of the taglist or want want know more about the fic. ☺
22.k words
synopsis: you get a notification about plane tickets you purchased about a trip you were excited for, only reason you're not excited at the remainder, is because you had planned the trip with your now ex. At the time you never thought you'd be spending December broken up. So, it felt like a great idea. not so much now.
ex!jk x ex!femreader (fem anatomy.)
exes to lovers
use of 'yn'
warnings: angst, fluff, smut: long-distance relationship, exes, second chance, miscommunication, b*tches is awkward, tension, one bed, forced proximity, Jungkook isn't crazy rich but he's got good money, i think he's an accountant, jk has that short ceo hair cut. reader has communication problem, jungkook's freaking green sweater needs it's own fanfic!, think are!you!sure jungkook. protective!jk, there's a creep who approaches reader as jungkook is off skiing, and whilst she's in the sauna(nothing bad happens.), sweet!wants!to!try!jk, jk has issues of not communicating too. they just can't seem to talk. avoiding stuff. teasing. touchy!jk, secret glances. jealousy, reader is very jealous,they're lying to themsleves, jungkook loves to take pictures especially of reader. hot tub jungkook who's looking up at you like you're a goddes. very needy kissing, boob sucking, dirty talking, oral(f!receiving.), handjob, cowgirl, protected!penetration, aftercare. hand kissing. [i don't know what else i need to add, let me know]
as per usual, it was edited but if there are any errors, forgive me.
A/N: this fic is honestly cause of that Jungkook green sweater I've never travelled to please don't come at me if anything is wrong. I very much world built some things. I've given written from top to bottom so don't except a part 2, unless maybe drabble requests. I wrote this in one week and i'm so proud i was able to write 22k words, in that time. though i was supposed to go up on the 25th[shhhhhh]
A/N: i'm still learning how to write smut. so if you think the smut is cringe please don't tell me :) i don't wanna know. unless you want to help me improve it, and you do it kindly, i'd appreciate.
likes, reblog, and all positive asks and comments are always appreciated.
i hope you're happy with this one.
[read under the cut]
You get the notification as you're scrolling through your phone. A remainder of sorts that you had been forgetting something. Cause you had been.
It loomed over you all week. The lingering feeling of remembering what you can’t. You hated it. But now that you know it’s source you couldn’t feel any worse.
Being the recipient of the message, you’re burdened with having to translate the message. Why do you have to do this? Broken up, having to text him feels like opening a can of worms. But the tickets are non-refundable, and it would be unfair for you to not inform him. You did both pay for them, Jungkook of course paying more because he was just too stubborn to split. he'd actually wanted to pay for the full thing but you were at odds with the idea. he settled eventually.
So, it would be unfair to not tell him. Right? Yes. But you don’t want to believe it.
Even if how the hell are you going to remind your ex about the holiday trip you planned thinking you’d be together for; but in turn would celebrate separately. Before the notification of the trip.
To add on, now you have to open your chat. An action you dread to do; for your emotional health.
What are you actually going to say? You think, finger hovering over the keyboard. Something that won’t make you sound like you’ve missed him, were thinking about him or even thinking about going on this trip with him. All which you’ve been doing. You’ve succumb to the thoughts, only because you two broke up in October, still relatively early to just forget a 3-year relationship with someone you thought you’d marry.
Sigh.
You still haven’t answered the question of how you’re even gonna bring it up. Will he even answer?
“shibal” jimin laughs into the speaker, not helping you one bit. “you two are ridiculous.”
You roll your eyes still waiting and hoping he’ll say something sensible. It’s all in vain. “How the hell do you book a trip and break up just before. You couldn’t wait?” He laughs and you just know he’s sat at his computer playing games, from his loud and unfocused speech.
“We didn’t freaking know we’d breakup.” You justify. “Plus, cause of the breakup we forgot. I forgot.” Your voice loses its strength at the end of the sentence, your mind slipping into a deep thought.
You haven’t been able to remember anything of relevance since that day. Maybe only how to breath and live but you’d say your body takes full credit for that.
“Hmm.” is all he says to you before screaming obscenities to someone in his game.
“Jimin are you gonna be of any help or wh-”
“You know what you should do?”
You want to believe his following statement will be of use, but you can never be certain.
“Just send it” he groans from what you assume is an attack on him. Your brow raises. “Send him a screenshot of the notification. If he doesn’t respond go on it on your own.”
“Or take me with you” he whispers. If it came to it, would you even choose jimin to go with? Probably. He’d help make it fun.
You sigh, still in the darkest of analysis. It’s your best option what else could you say. So, you say your goodbye to jimin who is quick to go off to his game, without a second thought. Rude. Talking to him whilst he’s on his game is setting yourself up.
Back to having a staring contest with your phone. And after a long while of panic, thump fidgeting and dry eyes, you click on his contact (yes you still have it.) and just send the screenshot.
As you wait to make sure the picture is sent you catch a glimpse of the last text from your chat. You were avoiding slipping up and seeing it, but your eyes couldn’t be helped.
Jungkook was the last to text.
Kookie<3: I miss you call me back.
Seeing the text makes your stomach churn. Makes your head spin with all the memories and emotions returning. You don’t want to linger on it. You’re quick to just sending the screenshot like jimin said, you only hope he doesn’t ask too many questions. If he does respond. The little thought in your head surfaces. What if he wants nothing to do with you. What if you’re bothering him? You shouldn’t have sent that text. But it’s too late now.
You’re well aware his message was sent before you had broken up. The only reason you hadn’t replied was because you couldn’t. On the same day you’d called him back and told him how you didn’t think you’d be able to do it anymore.
“Mm?” he hums confused. You can hear it in his voice and it only makes you even more nervous to repeat.
“This long-distance thing isn’t working for us jungkook.” You bite you lower lip hoping to hide some of your emotions that threaten to ruin your speech. Your fingers fidget in the silence waiting for his response. But it never comes and for a moment you think he’s cut the call and you’ve been talking to yourself. That’s when he sighs, showing you, he’s been listening but too shocked to speak.
You calling his full name, no nickname, strains at his heart. “Are you serious?” it’s calm, sad even. Of course he’s sad, you’re breaking up with him. Sad isn’t even strong enough to describe what he’s feeling. Shock is just amongst them, maybe even a little anger. You’ve been going through a challenging period because of the difference in cities. But he never thought it’d come to this. Was it that bad?
“Yeah.” It’s weak defeated. You are, your whole relationship is.
Jungkook is awfully silent, he’s not sure why either. “Is there anything I can do?” he’s aware of the only solution available. But it’s not possible. Neither of your work will allow the other to move.
You shake your head like he can see it. but he doesn’t need to see what your silence has already said.
After not much thought cause he’s not able to, he speaks. “Is this what you want?” his question only serves to add to your confusion.
“You know it’s not but- “you try to speak but the lump in your throat chokes you.
It hurts him that this is happening over a call. Wishes he could’ve spoken about it in person, cause there’s more to it.
More that you haven’t spoken about. Never have, and doubt you ever will or want to.
All this just makes the idea of this trip even more worrying. That’s if he’ll want to go or even respond. You never got to know what he thought but you assume he has some sort of resentment for the way you ended things. You would too. That’s one of the things you feel guilty for.
You’ll say the way things ended was not ideal, and honestly it never made you feel good as you thought it would. It made you feel worse actually. But at least now you don’t argue because you don’t talk. Who are you kidding, you miss the arguments, something to remind he was there.
Guilt hovers but, you console yourself by saying that he probably wanted it too if he didn’t try to fight for it. Which is unfair, but what else can you tell yourself as an excuse.
Your focus is now on your screen. You’re about to exit the chat, but then those familiar popups of bubbles appear. Already?
The bubbles disappear and appear, which only serves to grow your anxiety. Is he about to rebuke you for texting him. Gosh, what the hell would you say after that? He’s about to cuss you out. Suddenly your room feels too small to hold you and what you’re feeling.
But what pops up is even more anxiety inducing.
Kookie<3: I’m in town. We should meet and talk tomorrow.
Why does he sound so professional? Why do you care. Oh- your mind, it’s spinning.
He’s in town, when? Why didn’t he tell you. This would be the first time you see him in a year since he moved. And he couldn’t even just tell you he was in town. The reason to him being here is not unknown to you. It’s the Christmas season and his parents do live in the same city as you. And just like you they were not happy about they’re son moving so far away. But nothing was stopping jungkook. Nothing.
You’re probably not important to him anymore but, couldn’t he have just said, hi. I’m in town. How long has he even been here for? You never thought he’d return to the city even for the holidays.
You shake the thoughts out of your head. You can’t be over thinking this.
We?......meet?.....talk?.....TOMORROW!
Tomorrow couldn’t come any faster (not that you were excited for it.). It’s almost as though it wants you and jungkook to meet.
You both agreed to meet at one of the small restaurants near your place. One you two frequented together, so it holds so much for you. Which only made you more anxious on your way.
When you walked in your eyes unconsciously moved to the table you and jungkook loved to seat at. It was good distance from the kitchen so your food could reach you quicker, and far from others so that jungkook could lean in and say the nastiest thing on earth. It always made you blush even though you’d swat at him. You spot jungkook sat where he usually sat. Coat taken off and hanged on his chair.
“Hey.” You choke out smiling politely as you reach the table and take off your coat, the inside of the restaurant too warm to be comfortable with it on.
You take a sit and allow your body to get accustomed to the environment. And jungkook.
He’s quick to respond to your greeting just as awkward.
When you’re settled you finally get a chance to see just how much he’s changed in a year. The warm light from the ceiling softens his features which would normally be sharp in the dim lights of your bedroom. His hair is cut short. Last time you saw him it was neck length, but now it’s significantly short. Makes him look professional, mature. You like it, really like it. you wish you could just reach over and touch it, it’d probably be just as soft as you remember it and smell like lavender. You notice how he has it styled and gelled back so you doubt he’d be happy with you running your hands in it.
Jungkook spent an ungodly amount of time trying to get it to look like this, which he doesn’t think is perfect enough, but he was running out of time. Something about this meeting had him wanting to go out. He just hopes you like it. he remembers you last saw it when it was longer. It was a big cut, but after your breakup, he felt like giving up the length, considering your hands loved to live in his hair.
You sit hand in lap waiting for your mouth to catch up with how fast your brain is working. Though if you did speak what your brain was thinking, you’d embarrass yourself.
“We should order first.” He says rolling up the sleeves of his navy-blue denim shirt. The action reminding of the inks on his arm. A detail that adds to how attractive he is already. You’re really hating yourself for your thoughts. In your defence you haven’t seen him in the flesh for a year. “What do you wanna get?” he picks up his menu and you do too, stuttering in your movement. He seems calmer than you right now.
But the only thing is that he’s shitting himself inside. when he was sat before you came, his heart dropped every time he heard the door bells chime. Every time he turned it wasn’t you. Only increasing his nervousness. Maybe he was a little to forward with his message. You haven’t seen each other in a while and it’d probably be overwhelming, especially with a certain elephant in the room. He would’ve definitely understood if you didn’t want to show. On the chime of the door that followed his thoughts, he didn’t turn, only for it to be you. In your full glory, making him fidget with his phone more. Which he put aside immediately you sat down.
Clearing your throat you speak, “something soup-y. Today’s a little cold.” And you don’t feel like throwing up what you eat.
Jungkook agrees and his red nose is evidence of that. Cute, you think.
After your orders are taken you turn back to silence. What could you probably say right now? You can feel the distance between you emotionally. And you hate how this is how you are after not seeing each other for a year. Before breaking up you thought of the many ways, you’d hug him once you got to see him. You were definitely delusional over how serious your distance was. Really wanting to believe it wouldn’t be a problem; until it became one, and you just couldn’t do it anymore.
You don’t know how to behave right now.
“So, when did you get back?” you settle on a soft and casual tone.
“Just yesterday.” He speaks sounding a little hesitant. After not knowing where to look you decide to just look at one thing. The table.
After beats of silence, you continue. Can your food come any faster? “you’re staying with your parents?”
“Yeah.”
You lived together, in your used to be shared apartment before he decided to move. So, his only option was to live with his parents for the mean time. He assumed you wouldn’t want or even let him live with you. And it would be fair, you aren’t together anymore.
“I’m Sure they were shocked to see how much you’ve change.” Cause you are. You haven’t seen his parents in the same time that he hasn’t seen them.
“It was a surprise drop in so I’m sure they were” he says with weak chuckle. He bites into his lip before he’s looking at you again, but you don’t stare at him. It’s only when you realize his stare that you finally face him. “How have you been? You look well.” He’s dreading himself right now for not being able to speak to someone who has been, for 3 years, the only person he could speak to.
You do look good, and he can’t take his mind off it. the camera has not been doing you justice. Your skin looks brighter and you generally are just glowing. Gosh he missed looking at you. The way small dainty jewellery serves to compliment your outfit. Your hair done in a way you like, and he loves.
“I try.” You smile. Every chance you get you take a glace at his lip piercing. You’d forgotten just how it made him even the more--. “You look well too. How’s the job going?”
He sucks in a breath, showing visible stress at the thought of his job. “it’s going okay. Easiest way to put it.” he chuckles, awkwardly. You smile, awkwardly too. “I missed it here though, so much stuff I left behind.”
You just hum, nodding. Avoiding how his eyes glancing over you, just for a second as he was looking for where to keep his gaze whilst speaking.
“But I’m sure you’re having fun that side.” That side. He can hear the strength you put on the words. Instead of fiddling on your lap you decide to fold your arms on your chest. Finding it appropriate for the feelings that are sneaking in.
“You can say that, but there’s just something that feels empty y’know.” You do know, but you both choose to leave the conversation implicit.
And right on time, your food arrives saving you from saying anything. What the heck would you say when you can’t even think.
You two are soon digging into your food. Jungkook in his kimchi jjigae and you in yours.
“I missed this- mmm.” He hums making that little angry face he makes when he likes food. You laugh, a little to loud at that causing him to look up at you. You drop your smile.
“Mrs Kim always asks me about you when I come here.” 6 slices of chopped spring onion garnish you haven’t eaten, yet.
He leans back in his chair, unintentionally watching you eat.
He turns his head towards the kitchen where the lady in question usually spends her time. “Where is she anyways?” he’s back to digging into his food. the steam from the food warming his cold nose.
“she’s visiting sung Hoon in the US.” You inform him, taking in how relaxed you’ve become.
He nods at the info, “Ahh- she finally got to got to the US?” he smiles. He remembers how she would come to the table; she’d complain that her son doesn’t want her to visit, which was not the case. But being the dramatic lady she is, she would think that. “ ’m sure she was so excited.”
“no one could hear the end of it.”
He chuckles and you find yourself laughing too. But as much as you’re seemingly getting comfortable (though not wholly.) silence finds a way to wrap it’s long, cold and slimy finger around you two.
After you’re done eating your meals in silence, jungkook thinks it’s time to discuss the reason you’re even meeting. Cause you have nothing more to talk about.
“what’s the plan for the trip?” he shifts in his seat. “Assuming you’d want to go.” He doubts.
You take a deep breath before speaking, looking over at the whole scene of the restaurant. “I don’t know, we’d leave on Thursday. Assuming you’d want to go too.” You would want to go, that’s why you booked the trip. It’s only your situation that makes it awkward.
“Do you?” his question comes out fast and sudden and he regrets how quick it came out.
“Mm?” you mutter like you couldn’t hear what he said.
He clarifies choosing to speak more calmly and composed. “Do you want to go?”
The question takes you aback as though you hadn’t been asking yourself the same thing.
Reaching to play with the little gem on your necklace you stutter out. “I-I mean- yeah we spent money on it.” you shrug your shoulders as if you’re unconsciously saying otherwise, but really, you’re just trying to keep your statement open. In case he doesn’t want to go, and you’re left embarrassed with an extra ticket.
Jungkook instead takes your action as you probably not wanting to go. “I get it if you don’t. It’s a weird situation.” His hands move to touching his hair.
You trying to jump in but end up speaking a little too fast. “No, I do. Plus, I hate wasting money.” You do hate wasting money, truly. And it is just that and the fact that you would love a trip right now, to de-stress.
“But do you want to go with me?” that churning feeling in your stomach is returning, and you’ve just eaten which makes it all the much better.
Biting down on your lip and releasing it you say, “I mean I wouldn’t want to go on my own.” You hate how you feel your throat choking up. “Who else would I go with?” you awkwardly joke. There are some people you’d go with. But you planned this trip with jungkook and he paid the much for the tickets. So, it’s only fair to go with him. If he wants to.
He skips your question, not in bad taste. it’d be weird for you to go on a trip you planned with him with someone else. Maybe he did think of it, that maybe you’d enjoy it more if you weren’t with him. But then he thought it through. Shit doesn’t have to be awkward unless you both make it. so, you can enjoy this trip if you just agree to enjoy it. “I don’t mind going with you, but I don’t want you to feel forced to have me there.”
“I have no problem with you, jungkook.” You saying his name even though it’s not the pet name he enjoys feels like a warm touch to him. “I just want to know if you wanna go.” You find it in you to ask.
“I don’t mind it at all.” He says, relieving you of your fears.
He sighs. After he silence speaks. “I can’t believe I forgot about it. I was so excited for it too.” he reminiscing on the day. It was such a good idea. Is a good idea, if you just agree to enjoy it.
“So? It’s settled right?“ You sit up grabbing your stuff and preparing to leave. Jungkook’s smile falls realizing that the moment is ending. But he will see you soon still.
“Yeah.” He prepares to leave too.
“We leave Thursday, I guess. We’ll stay in touch.”
And that’s it, your conversation ends with you managing to avoid the larger topic at hand. It’s like a game.
You throw your clothes in haphazardly. You’re in a panic, which is not necessary cause you have enough time, the whole day to be precise. Your flight’s tomorrow. But the whole airport thing has always found a way to make you panic.
You grab some essentials, but in frustration. Maybe you just want to get it over with. The packing, not the trip. Honestly it feels like it’s already started. Is this how you’re going to be.
As you search through your closet you land on a sweater, one you remember too well. It’s green colour and fluffy soft texture makes it the warmest thing you own. A very memorable sweater, for the warmth it brought you and its origin. You can still smell him on it. You dread packing it and resort to shoving it further in your closet. You’ll think about it.
You stare at your zipped up suitcase for a bit before your eyes gloss over to your phone that buzzes on your bed. For a split second you wonder if it’s jungkook. Could he have changed his mind. you sigh relived when you see it’s just jimin.
Who chooses to say nothing of value and just tease you. “Honestly why do I tell him these things.” You throw your phone on your bed.
Jungkook stands over his already packed suitcase. He just has to zip it closed and seal this trip. He sighs rubbing his lower lip. Before you two broke up he had so much planned for this trip. So much he wanted to say and do. But it's different now and it’d be weird and wrong to say those things. Not before talking of course.
Is he looking forward to this trip? Yes-wait- maybe. The trip in itself is fine, a great and good idea and opportunity to enjoy a holiday and relax. But your presence entails something more something he has to deal with (in a responsible and good way) and that he's been running away from.
"You're excited huh?" his mother smiles leaning against his door frame, watching. He's not sure what about his facial expression, body language or general demeanour would make her think that he's excited. It’s not like he’s dreading or regretting it. it’s more like excitement is the last thing he’s feeling cause of all he’s thinking of.
He doesn't say anything before she's speaking again.
"You need this trip. you've been so busy." He has. Too much at that. So much that he forgot you two had even broken up and was about to go to your place first when he arrived. He’d been so excited to surprise you, then it dawned on him. His tires were quick to turning. His thoughts are cut short by his mother. "it'll help you spend more time with yn."
"I guess." he replies unenthusiastically. Though it’s the same idea they’re both thinking of it in a different context. Something that his mother doesn’t know yet.
He doesn't stare at where she stands only at his suitcase analysing what he's packed and what the heck is actually going on. "Plus, it would be a perfect place to propose." She enthuses, joyous at the thought. He seems to have slightly forgotten about that detail too.
When you were planning the trip, he made a plan to propose to you on it. It honestly is the perfect place to and he felt like it was the right time. Of course, you'd be arguing but it wasn't something that was holding back your relationship. Plus, he thought you'd talked it out well enough. So, he spent his free time after planning the trip, shopping for rings and looking proposal ideas and even asked some of his colleagues for advice. It’d be a trip where you got to spend some time after being away for so long.
But that's when you called and honestly kicked him in the balls. Too confused he just went along with it.
"Switzerland is such a good choice, you kids are so good at these things." She says probably imaging herself there too. It’s not long before his eyes are staring at the black velvet box on his dressing table, and his head is spinning all over again. He knows how excited she gets about this and she won’t stop. “You could take a walk and then pull out the Ring with those mountains in the back and-"
"Eomma!" His deep voice stops her, not harshly but whiny. Not telling his parents about the breakup is honestly the most overwhelming thing because of how his mother adores you and finds a way to bring you up in every conversation. she could go on but the tired look on her son's face makes her stop. She wants to pry on why he looks more drained that ecstatic but she chooses against it.
”Is something wrong?”
He realizes just how carried away he’s getting with his emotions. He shakes his head. “no. I’m just stressed.” He finally looks up at her to give a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes but she returns.
"Sorry, you know how I get carried away. I'm sure you have your own plan let me not stress you."
She leaves and he sighs
No. He has no plan of his own. He has no plan at all.
Your suitcase handle is firmly clutched into your hand as you walk into the airport.
Your eyes scan the crowd. Every face. Each bag too, because you know which one he'd probably be carrying with him. Seeing it again is gonna be triggering cause the last time you saw it was the last time you saw him off.
You and jungkook agreed to come separately and since his parents lived closer to the airport he'd be here first and wait for you by security. But now that you're there you can't see him. Maybe he's a little late but why wouldn't he tell you.
You told him you had just arrived but he hasn't even seen that message. Has he changed his mind? is the first thing that pops up in your head. If he has that's a shitty way to do it. Just ghost you?
So, you pull out your phone to call him. “Pick up." You mutter under your breath.
No answer.
You feel stupid. It honestly feels like you're on a Lifetime show or even worse TLC.
Your annoyance bubbles over as you glance around the busy security area. "Where is he?" you ask yourself.
Though you think he has, you doubt jungkook would just ghost you. It's not what you know him to be. You tap your foot impatiently and try to call him again. Still nothing. Your heart finally relaxes when you spot him already walking to you. "Seriously?" You say a little upset when he finally reaches. "Why didn't you answer your phone?"
"Oh. I didn't hear it." He says pulling it out of his pocket. "Must be on silent. I’m sorry." He looks at you genuinely so. And you can’t bring yourself to be as mad as you want to be. It’s not a big deal, he’s here now.
“it’s okay, we should get going, we’re almost late.” You say frustrated with how traffic delayed your arrival. Jungkook just hums agreeing and surprising you by taking you suitcase. You’d tell him it’s fine and you can manage but he’s already walking ahead of you. Probably not wanting to hear it.
A tense silence stretches between you two as you wait to board your plane. Sitting side by side has never felt so awkward, like the space between you is miles wide. You scroll through your phone, pretending to be so into it. You don’t notice Jungkook stealing occasional glances at you. Or rather, at the sweater you’re wearing—the one he gave you (more like you took.) just before he moved to another town. The green complimenting your skin. He loves how it just melts to fit you. He’s glad to know that you’re warm, he’s aware of how incredibly warm it is.
He wonders if you’re wearing it deliberately, or if it’s just because it’s the warmest thing you own, and today’s even colder than yesterday. Probably no meaning behind it. At least, that’s what he tells himself. Though it’s not enough to stop him from developing a smile on his face, one he covers with his hand.
The low hum of voices and the faint crackle of the airport announcements fill the silence. Someone walks past, dragging a squeaky suitcase, the airport noises the only thing between the two of you.
“I know this is awkward.” He starts randomly, at first doubting he was talking to you but then you move your attention to him, when you realize it’s only you he can be talking to. It’s not like you were looking at anything on your phone. “I want us to enjoy it. I want you to enjoy it.”
“I want you to enjoy it too.” You find yourself speaking before your brain can process.
He smiles and turns to meet your eyes. All of a sudden, he feels so close. “So can we just pretend.” His eyes don’t move, if possible, they stare even deeper into yours. Yours don’t move as well. “Pretend like everything’s okay.” He speaks low as if he doesn’t want others around to hear. “Agree?”
You haven’t said much, instead just let him speak. “Agreed.”
You don’t mind pretending. You’ve been pretending you’re okay all this time, so why can’t you do it now.
-
You watch Jungkook sliding the bags into the overhead storage above your seats. He notices you approaching and nods for you to have the window seat.
“You sure?” you ask only because he called dibs when you planned the trip that he’d be getting the window seat.
He nods. “Yeah. I know you like it more than I do.” You do. He only called dibs because he was trying to ‘one up’ you like everything’s a game.
You squeeze passed him get comfortable in your seat and he’s soon sitting next to you. You’re glad it’s just two seats.
You sit in silence for most of the flight, each pretending to be too absorbed in your own activities to notice the other. Jungkook watches you out of the corner of his eye as you scroll through your phone, then switch to reading a book. This trip can’t be that bad, you tell yourself. Of course, you two haven’t talked about your breakup, but it doesn’t have to come up. You’ll just enjoy the weekend and go back to normal, like he said—pretend---if either of you even knows what that means.
What are the boundaries of pretending.
At some point, you shift in your seat, leaning against him, your head resting on his shoulder. You’re asleep, of course, but Jungkook glances down at you, momentarily startled. He considers waking you but decides against it. Instead, he leans back slightly, letting you stay there.
As the plane hums softly and moves through the sky, Jungkook can’t help but wonder if this trip could be his chance to fix things. How does he want it to happen? Does he even know? All he knows it that you do eventually have to talk about things. Do you even want to talk about it, because you seem to be avoiding it.
But there’s only so much avoiding you can do.
As soon as the plane lands, you stretch in your seat, surprised you managed to sleep for that long. Glancing at Jungkook, you watch as he pulls the luggage from the overhead bin. He looks like he didn’t get any sleep at all, you had been sleeping on his shoulder for most of the time. You exchange a brief look—just acknowledging each other and your present moment—before heading off the plane
The crisp Swiss air hits you as you step outside the terminal, and you follow Jungkook as he gets into a cab and it drives confidently toward a car rental area, which you’re confused about but don’t ask. Jungkook picks up keys from the reception and you walk through the parkin lot looking for what you don’t know. You’re just following. You stare at him puzzled as he dangles the keys. He’s been quiet, and you hadn’t even expected to rent a car. Public transport seemed like the plan, but now that you think about it, you remember how Jungkook feels about it.
“You rented a car?” you raise a brow.
He nods, “yeah, it’d be easier. Thought you’d approve.”
He catches a glance of your face, like you’re trying to figure something out, but can’t.
“Hmm.” You only hum.
“You look cute when you’re confused”. He takes you by surprise. “Come on.” He says walking and not letting you process his words. You just try to shake them out of your head.
You don’t admit it, but you're impressed. He thought ahead. And you’re honestly glad he did—something you feel he’s been lacking the past year.
Once he’s done packing the luggage into the car, he closes the trunk and slides into the driver’s seat. You’re not sure why you’re shocked to find out it’s a Mercedes-benz g63 amg. You’d always known he had an obsession with luxury cars, especially ones like this. The fact that his job pays so well certainly helps, you guess moving out of town must’ve been worth it.
The car is great-- so comfortable, and the heater works perfectly, keeping you warm against the cold.
As Jungkook adjusts the mirrors, you scroll through your contacts, trying to figure out what to call the person you booked the cabin with, “what do I call them a host?” You mutter under your breath before dialling the number.
Jungkook glances at you as you speak to the host in quick tones. "Got it, thanks," you say, giving a quick wave of your phone toward Jungkook. With the directions noted you can now get to moving.
"Okay, so we head north, then take-“
“North?" Jungkook interrupts, starting the engine. "Are you sure it's not west or whatever?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.
You glare at him. He glances at one map and thinks he knows his way around Switzerland.
"I just talked to the guy," you say flatly.
Jungkook smirks, recalling a past trip. "Remember last time we travelled, and we ended up on a dead-end street?" he says with a cheeky smile on his face. he’s teasing you.
You roll your eyes at the memory. You had been driving through the outskirts, and your GPS got wonky, causing you to go down a deserted road.
“If you’d listened to me, we wouldn’t have gotten lost,” you reply.
You stop bickering, finally following the GPS. Jungkook decides to follow the directions, and the tension eases as you leave the city behind.
The atmosphere shifts, replaced by a sense of awe at the breathtaking scenery. Low-capped mountains stretch into the horizon, Swiss chalets dot the landscape, and the sun reflects off the lakes. You’re glad you arrived during the day; cause nighttime would not have done the view justice.
You watch out the window, your voice filled with awe. "Oh my gosh, it's so beautiful." Jungkook glances at your direction before returning his attention to the road. "Yeah, it is," he agrees, equally mesmerized by the view.
"Can you grab my camera from the back?" he askes. Recalling his passion for photography, you can’t be surprised he has it with him.
You pull out the camera from his bag, noticing it’s larger and more expensive looking than the one you had gifted him. "Do you still have your other one?" you’re curious.
He knows what you’re hinting to. "It fell in water during a fishing trip with my team, but I'm getting it fixed."
“Do you still have the pictures.” You’d hate to lose them, even though they are null and void now, you still like how happy you looked in them.
“Yeah. They’re in my SD.” He informs you and you’re glad.
You fumble with the new camera, struggling to operate its buttons, he notices. "There's a button just there," he directs. Though you aren’t much of a photographer, you manage to snap some decent shots of the scene. You take a lot to make sure you have options.
Feeling playful, you turn the camera to jungkook and snap a pic of him. You had always admired his model-like features and often joked he should pursue modelling instead of his current path, which kept him 218 miles away. But now you realize modelling would only take him even farther.
He never agreed to the idea but never argued either. He preferred to appreciate beauty rather than be the centre of attention.
"Did you just take a picture of me?" he asks, a hint of surprise in his voice.
"Yeah, just one," you reply.
He doesn’t respond, leaving you to wonder what he’s thinking. Is he upset? Did you cross a pretending line?
"Wanna stop and take pictures," he grins, "y’know for your Instagram."
It’s not a bad idea, but you don’t want to be late and have the host waiting for too long.
"We won't be long." he looks over to see if you’re considering. He smiles when sees that you are. You don't post much on Instagram, and he knows that. But it wouldn't hurt to have some pictures from this trip.
"Let's be quick," you accept.
He pulls over to the side of the road and when you’re out he’s approaching you to take the camera. "Let me take some of you first," you insist. He isn’t so keen on it though.
"Just a few," you whine dodging him trying to take it from your hands.
"We're supposed to be quick." He reminds you. "And you know I'm not a fan of pictures of me."
You not wanting to bicker. You hand it over to him. "But I will take pictures of you eventually," it’s a promise.
You quickly get posing on a spot you like, and he snaps several pictures. Some you were prepared for, while others were candid of you looking up a bird flying over, like you’ve never seen a bird before. or just in awe of the scene behind. Why do the birds seem so majestic here?
Jungkook smiles as he continues to take photos, forgetting the time. "I think that's enough. We're going to be late," you say, running out of poses to do.
You start walking to the car and he snaps one more picture of the scene before getting back and starting the car. Whilst adjusting to the warmth he hands you the camera.
"These are so pretty," you bulge your eyes out at how good jungkook is at taking pictures. You can definitely see the difference. Jungkook can’t help but feel a sense of pride. You scroll through the camera, admiring more pictures.
Then you scroll a little too far and notice a series of photos featuring a friend—someone he seems to be close to. In one, she leans on his shoulder, a gesture that causes some type of discomfort or irritation. You couldn’t be sure, you’re too busy scrolling. She smiles too hard, you judge.
gosh you're pathetic. Why are you acting like this. The man is not your boyfriend he can do whatever. The statement causes an unwanted sour taste to form over your taste buds.
You continue to scroll, analysing the photos, each one deepening your insecurities.
"Careful, you're gonna damage the buttons," Jungkook jokes when he notices your rushed movement. He wonders what has you that way.
When he speaks, you’re brought back to reality. Though you’re brought back with an attitude. You switch off the device and lay it back where you found it, sitting back down with a scowl on your face and jungkook wonders the cause.
You had been fine just a moment ago. He doesn’t say anything and focuses fully on the road ahead. The silent drive to the cabin feels anything but aesthetic.
You sigh as the car slows, leaving behind the snow-covered path. When you approach the cabin, it’s instantly recognizable from the photo. At least you weren’t lost or scammed. The place looks serene. It’s blanketed in snow. It’s not like those huge family ones. It’s small just to fit you and jungkook. You’d have no money to buy anything or activities if you booked those larger ones. And they’re unnecessary cause it’s just the two of you.
Jungkook parks the car, and as you both step out, the awkwardness that’s shadowed the trip returns. It had been there from the beginning, lingering beneath exchanges and strained silences. Brief moments, like taking pictures earlier, had been relieving, but even that had soured quickly. Now, neither of you had much to say.
The cabin’s host, a kind older man with a thick Swiss accent, greets you warmly, showing you around the cozy interior and pointing out the back patio before leaving. Once alone, you both quietly bring in the luggage. The silence is deafening, broken only by the crunch of snow you step on.
Due to your irritation that some how still lingered you step a little too hard on the icy ground, and in an instant, your foot slips. You land awkwardly in a mix of snow and dirt, the impact cushioned but still hurting.
“Are you okay?” Jungkook calls, his voice tinged with concern and amusement. He’d drop the luggage to come check on you if you hadn’t brushed him away with your hand.
Still irritated, now cause of the fall, you dust yourself off and move yourself inside. You drop the luggage in bedroom and start taking off your sweater, only to have Jungkook walk in moments later.
“One bed,” he states, looking at the large, centred piece of furniture. “Looks comfy.” You seem to have forgotten the cabin was lover’s themed, so it did only have one bed. The host had asked you if it was a problem when he saw the look on your face but you just brushed it away at you being tired.
You glance at the bed, then at him. “Yeah. Guess you’ll have to take the couch,” you joke, though your tone comes out flatter than intended.
“Nope.” He flops onto the bed, which creaks under his weight, making him pause to check if it’s broken. When it holds, he relaxes. “I’m sleeping right here.”
You sigh, deciding it’s not worth arguing. You’ve shared a bed before—it shouldn’t be a big deal so many times at that. But those times are not now and you have to deal with your new circumstance.
“I’m gonna take a shower,” you announce, expecting him to leave the room. Instead, he sprawls comfortably on the bed.
“Knock yourself out,” he replies casually.
Groaning, you grab your toiletries and head to the bathroom. The hot water feels like a gift, relaxing your tense muscles. If only the whole trip could feel this peaceful.
When you return, Jungkook is gone, though his shoes by the door confirm he hasn’t gone far. You search through your suitcase for a sweater, only to realize you packed just one sweater—the one now wet and dirty. Frustration bubbles as you grab a thin, long-sleeved shirt. It’ll have to do, though you doubt it’ll keep you warm in tomorrow’s outdoor activities.
Meanwhile, Jungkook in the kitchen has immersed himself in exploring the layout of it. whilst on his expedition his attention drifts to a tiny blue bird minding its business outside the window. He leans into it but carefully not to scare it away. Thankfully it doesn’t seem to find him a bother. “Got any advice for me?” he murmurs, taking a peek behind him. The bird doesn’t react, oblivious to his internal conflict. He’s unsure—about you, about himself, about what this trip is supposed to accomplish.
When you enter the kitchen and done talking to his new friend who doesn’t present him with anything viable but his company, he’s quick to point out the lack of groceries. “We should go shopping. It’s on your itinerary, right?” he teases lightly.
You nod, unsurprised he remembers. You’d always been the planner, the one who thought of everything. Maybe that’s why the breakup hurt so much—it came so suddenly, leaving no time to plan how to feel or move on.
As he’s about to suggest leaving immediately, he notices you rubbing your arms. “Aren’t you cold?” he asks, gesturing to your thin shirt.
“I’m fine,” you reply dismissively, though you clearly aren’t.
“Put on a sweater before you get sick,” he insists. His boyfriend instincts linger, even now.
You hesitate but eventually admit, “I forgot to pack an extra one.” The way how stares at you is so embarrassing for you.
Jungkook chuckles softly, though not unkindly. “Of course you did.” You roll your eyes. He moves to grab a sweater from his suitcase and hands it to you. “Here. Borrow this.”
You take it, the faint scent of his cologne that seems to be on everything he wears no matter how much he washes, invaded your senses. “Thanks,” you say quietly, slipping it on and hoping not to ruin this one too.
By the time you return from the store, exhaustion settles in. You both sit in the living room, cups of hot cocoa in hand. Jungkook flips through the channels while you sit quietly, the warmth of his sweater and the fire calming you.
“You’ve made a lot of friends in Jeju,” you say suddenly, your tone sharper than intended.
Jungkook pauses, confused. “What friends?”
“Colleagues, maybe? Customers? I saw the pictures on your camera,” you admit, staring into your cup instead of at him.
He leans back, waiting. He knows what you’re referring to and could explain that the woman in the photos was a client a little too excited and touchy about her wedding rehearsal photos, and had wanted photos with him. But he wants you to ask.
Instead, the silence stretches, filled with unspoken questions—questions about Jeju, the photos, the breakup, and even yourself. You sigh, pushing them aside.
“is there something you wanna ask?”
“There’s nothing I want to ask,” you finally say, though the bitterness in your voice betrays the truth.
Jungkook laughs softly, shaking his head. “I thought we agreed on pretending.” His voice is still soft.
“I know. Just don’t want you pretending if you’ve got other things going on.”
Jungkook chuckles taking a sip of his cocoa.” I’m good.”
“I’m good too.”
“Good.”
You watch him stand a sly smirk adoring his face. “let’s go back to pretending now, okay?” he says looking at you.
You mumble a sure and he walks off. Probably to sleep.
Sleeping the same bed is even more awkward. After spending some minutes you’d decide you were too tired to be awake, you came the bedroom.
Jungkook was still awake staring at his phone, and for some reason shirtless. He likes to sleep shirtless and the tension between you two isn’t going to stop him.
Jungkook tries to keep his eyes to himself as you change into your pajamas. You didn’t want to be childish so you just changed right there. It’s nothing he’s never seen before. He won’t act like the action doesn’t cause a rise in memories and he holds himself to not thinking further. Soon you’re crawling into your side and laying facing away from him. Jungkook chooses to lie on his back, the bed big enough for you to keep your distance. He turns off the lights but your eyes remain open staring into the dark.
As the night continues, none of you are able to fall asleep. Jungkook tries to make himself comfortable, his shifting cause you to think he might be moving closer, but he doesn’t. why do you feel sad. Your brain is used to being close to him and him holding you in situations like this. And he too is used to wrapping his arms around you and pulling you closer into him. But there’s none of that.
“I can’t fucking sleep.” he groans frustratedly sitting up. He runs his hands in his hair. He looks over at you thinking you’re asleep, the darkness preventing him from actually knowing. He’s jealous at the idea of you being able to sleep, but when your frustrated voice sounds, he’s relieved. Relieved that he’s not the only not able to sleep.
“Same.” You mutter remaining on your side.
Jungkook huffs and puffs contemplating on asking what he’d been debating. Your bodies are probably used to sleeping closer to each other, so maybe that’s’ why it’s hard. You surely won’t mind if it means you get to sleep right?
He looks over to you and how far you seem from. He doesn’t like, hates the reality of it. “Can I sleep closer to you.” His words and the fact that he actually said takes you aback. You freeze. Your silence is killing him, he shouldn’t have said it. he should take it back, well—but he’s already sai-
“Okay.” Okay? Well, that was easy, he thought you’d be looking at him weird. but no, you just lay on your side waiting for him.
When he said closer you never thought he meant this close. You’re the closest you can be. But you don’t mind it, it actually brings you that giddy feeling, like it’s your first time cuddling. You realize just how much you missed it. He nuzzles his face in your neck and this is when he’d kiss your shoulder and neck but he doesn’t and the detail is gravely missed. He has to hold himself from not doing it.
“We’re going to move to the middle of the bed, darling.” It’s only then that you realize how much at the edge you were. You shuffle yourselves and move into the center and get comfortable in the position.
“Are you comfortable?”
So much you hate to say it. You can’t even bring yourself to be angry. “y-yeah.” You can barely respond coherently with how his voice is so close sending goosebumps all over you.
“Can I put my around you? It’s the only place I can put it.” he tries to explain, but you were actually hoping for it.
You nod for him to go ahead and he wraps his arm around you. Honestly, he should’ve just asked if he could cuddle you, because this is basically what you’re doing. He didn’t have to mask it; you’d have said yes either way. He doesn’t know that though.
Now that you’re close to him and him to you, you both weirdly fall asleep, very quickly at that.
First thing on your itinerary was to visit the Lindt home of chocolate you’d been drooling at the thought of it since you planned this trip. It would honestly be a crime to visit Switzerland and not visit the Lindt factory. Being a lover of chocolate no activity on your list will be as good as this.
“I don’t know why they have us putting our bags away.” Jungkook whines taking off his jacket, as required and placing it in a locker. “How am I supposed to carry my chocolate.” His speech is almost childlike. You just chuckle.
” That’s why they do it.” You inform him, with a soft smile and start to walk ahead of him. Jungkook walks behind you, watching how you look around with wonder.
Did he mention how good he feels right now. The sleep he had last night was the best he’s had in a while. And it only serves to tell him how much he’s missed your presence. Just you as a whole. Being away from you for so long has had an effect on him too. It’s only now, that he’s not able to do all the things he used to do, that he realizes how much he’s missed it. And how much you mean to him.
“Oh my gosh.” Jungkook watches how you take in the aroma of chocolate. It invades his senses and when you’re turning around to check on him, he’s nodding. You want him to enjoy this just as you are.
You gasp and it’s when you spot the huge chocolate fountain that you pull Jungkook’s attention to it by his arm. “it’s so fucking huge.” You say still holding onto him.
“that’s what she said.”
You roll your eyes. “Grow up.” You both laugh. and it’s when you’re lost in laughter and admiring the fountain that jungkook looks down to see you still holding his arm. So, in a swift action of no thought, all instinct he moves to hold your hand.
Your head sharply moves to look at him then at his hand holding yours and then back up at him. He’s got this innocent smile on his face and you can’t help but warm up into his hold. You don’t mind the action of holding hands but you fear what it implies. Is he for real or still pretending?
For the first minutes you stay holding hands, until jungkook is pulling away to grab his camera. You rub you hands together to try and regain your sense of independence. What the heck are you doing, holding hands? This pretending thing Is a good idea, but it’s definitely messing with you in some way. All ways. He’s giving you things that you’ve been craving. The cuddle at night, the holding hands, you’ve missed it all. But you don’t know where it’s coming from, does he miss you too or is he pretending. To think of it you never really discussed what type of pretending you’re doing. Are you pretending to still be together or are you pretending to be good friends. Gosh this is so stressful. And confusing. You wonder if he’s stressing like you are. He seems calm. He’s handling this so well.
“Wait—I need a picture of you. Stand still.” He points the camera to you and you’re quick to turning your head away.
“it’s fine you don’t need to-” snap.
He doesn’t give you the time to object and just snaps. “Jungkook stop taking pictures of me.” He doesn’t. you’re embarrassed to be doing this in public. But he seems thrilled. “Okay wait-” he doesn’t so you choose to reaching for the Lense. But jungkook doesn’t mind filling his storage with pictures of your palm. “Kook, wait.”
“Kook?” he questions smiling. You realize your mistake. Honestly you didn’t mean to call him that, it just came out naturally for you to get him to stop. And it worked. Though now it shifts the air.
You groan. “I didn’t mean it like that.” You roll your eyes. You don’t even know what you’re saying.
He doesn’t linger on it more, which honestly helps your case. The blush on your face is deserving of a picture. Snap.
“Stop that before I revoke your privileges.” You threaten. He doesn’t want that.
He raises his hands in surrender. “won’t do it again.”
You ignore him and turn to keep walking.
“Can take more later though?”
You don’t answer, but he takes it as a yes. You’ve always been his muse, it’s not gonna stop now. His camara is now getting some action.
This place is actually so beautiful, smells amazing too. The pictures you saw did not do it justice.
“Look at the strawberries, the nuts. Ah—I’m in heaven.”
Jungkook smiles as he watches enjoy and pointing for him to look at the large container, of everything that goes well with chocolate. He’s really just happy that you’re including him, by telling him how much you freaking love this place or how you want to stay here forever. It makes him feel like things aren’t all that bad between the two of you and it can be fixed.
“Why are you looking at me like that.” You narrow your eyes at him. Gosh he forgot how long he was looking for. You’d been telling him something but he zoned out.
“Oh-nothing.” He clears his throat.
You just brush it off, cause if you linger on it, you’ll melt. Jungkook looking at you has been a weakness for you, there’s just something about him focusing on you and having only you in sight. “Anyway, I was saying try this.”
He doesn’t regain his consciousness before you’re bringing a spoon full of chocolate to his lips. he takes it, tasting the sweetness of it.
He licks the chocolate off his lips when you pull away. “Mmm….so good.” You nod glad that he likes it. Though way he’s looking at you makes you think he might not be talking about the chocolate. You choose to ignore your thoughts with a cough.
As you go on you learn facts about chocolate and the factory and jungkook takes the pictures. When walking around you make sure to not forget to collect little pieces of chocolate from the dispensers. And it’s not long before your hands are getting full.
When your expedition is over, you’re returning to your bags to stuff them with your treasure.
“This is a lot of chocolate.” Jungkook states.
You shake your head. “it’s not that much.”
“Yeah of course an addict is telling me that.”
You gasp. “I’m not an addict.”
“Tell that to all the money I’ve spent buying you chocolate.” Money which it didn’t mind and loved spending.
“Honestly that’s all on you.” You say raising your hands. He chuckles.
Getting tired you both decide to go by the café inside the factory. Whilst there you both order some food to eat which is not chocolate, except you. For your beverage you picked to drink the famous hot cocoa. Which tastes like heaven made it themselves.
“How do I take this home with me?” you say motioning to your drink.
“Just stay.” He meant to say you both could just stay, but his tongue tripped.
You nod, thinking about it. “I could.” Moving to Switzerland and living here would be a dream. But unfortunately, things aren’t that easy. Finding a job would be hard, plus the language barrier would kill you.
“don’t.” he’s almost pleading. “I don’t know how I’d tell your family I lost you to Switzerland.” More like he doesn’t know how he’d fix things.
“Honestly it’s no competition.” You say in deep thought and analysis.
“What? you would leave me for Switzerland?” He says it not realizing causing you to chuckle. And when you look at him, he gets it.
The conversation doesn’t go farther after that. Jungkook just stays in his thought. When jungkook had made the decision to move. He honestly thought it wouldn’t be that bad. He’d plan on maybe moving you out to him when he settled down, but your job was a very hot topic. At the time he hadn’t realized how serious it was. But now he does.
If it was you moving, he’d be just as hurt. And it pissing him off that he hadn’t realize the impact.
For your second and last activity for the day, cause of the way time just flies by; is the largest indoor flea market.
You spend your time there; just looking around, eating, and buying stuff. During your move you make it a mission to take pictures of jungkook. And you do manage to take some good ones.
He also finds an opportunity to ask about your work and how it’s going. And if that co-worker that bothers you is still around. He’s glad to learn that she did get moved to another department. He’s happy with whatever makes you comfortable.
As you’re talking, you’re approached by a couple, older but not old and tourists as well. They ask you to take a picture of them and jungkook is glad to assist. When he’s done, they’re happy and offer to take a picture of you too, jungkook wants to decline the offer assuming you wouldn’t want to but you’re quick to accepting.
“you two look so lovely together.” The lady says and you have no clue what to say apart form an awkward thank you. You wouldn’t blame them for thinking you’re a couple, not with the way jungkook is smiling at the picture.
“Grow up kook.”
“What?” he whines. “It’s a good photo.”
You roll your eyes before walking away. He follows behind you, smiling.
-----
Soon your day on paper comes to an end and you’re returning to the cabin.
You did not know what to expect of your day in the morning. Your night was okay but would the rest of the day go the same? those were some of your thoughts. But to your pleasure the day went well, great even. You just hope it’s the same for the rest of the trip.
Jungkook is on cocoa duty (not assigned but he took the responsibility.) and you’d be lying if you said he didn’t do a good job at it every time.
Leaning against the counter holding your mug and watching him finishes up with his own, you watch.
“How’d you like the Lindt factory?”
He takes a sip before answering. “Great. Honestly enjoyed it more than I thought.”
“What? You don’t trust my judgement?” you watch as he leans on the counter opposite from you.
“it’s not that. Just never thought I was that big of a chocolate fan.”
You hum. Silence fills the kitchen as you’re just enjoying the drink. Why does the air feel so thick, is it the way he just leans there. Pajamas not doing a very good job at hiding his physique. Why the hell does he look buffer. Gosh, his arms look like they’d lift and lay you to your demise. In the morning you caught a glimpse of his shirtless torso, and you were about to lose your cool. To add gasoline to the fire he had just stepped out the shower and had not completely dried. Geez, if it wasn’t for your ability to leave the room, you don’t know what you would’ve done or said.
Jungkook has always had a keen eye for your little frustrated looks, the way you don’t blink, the way you wrap your hands around yourself or how you cross your legs. He knows. It’s the details he’s aware of. No one knows you like he does.
“I like this sweater on you.” He says pointing to the green sweater you’d just gotten back from the dry cleaners.
You look down at it. “Because it’s yours?” you raise a brow as you take a sip of your cocoa.
He shakes his head looking your body up. “no. because you look good in it.” He’s biting his lip, then his playing with that little lip ring. Yn, hold yourself.
You choke out a chuckle. “Jungkook.” It’s a warning for him. But he doesn’t take it.
“What? It’s not my fault you look good in all my clothes.” gosh you’re gonna die choking on this liquid. “Makes me want to just hand over my closet to you.” He’s coming closer to you, gosh what the fuck, he approaches but it’s the sink you’re standing in front he wants. You move. He rinses his mug, tired of the drink.
“Well, that won’t be necessary.” you say sliding away from his towering figure. Just to catch your breath, cause you’ve been holding it. Jungkook laughs at the movement. Just after, you’re rinsing your cup and placing it in the cupboard. You’re not gonna die choking on cocoa, or jungkook as a matter of fact.
“Think I’m going to bed.” You state thinking the bedroom will be your only place of solace away from him.
“Me too. I’m getting sleepy.”
You’re stiff as he walks behind you. You hope you’ll be able to sleep on your own tonight. Cause if jungkook just as much as touches you, you’ll turn into a puddle.
You’re quick to moving to your side and facing away from him as to not see him taking of his shirt. You know because you hear it drop.
“Goodnight.” He says turning off the light.
With all your might you mumble a goodnight to him too.
Tonight, you manage to fall asleep without cuddling. You sleep back-to-back close enough to feel the heat radiating off the other.
Jungkook wanted, so badly to go skiing after seeing an advertisement for it and saw some people do it on your way to the cabin. You’re not one for these intense sports but since he went with you to the Lindt factory, you thought it’d only be fair to go as well. Just accompany him.
Though his won’t be sweet and rewarding.
“You wanna go with me?” he asks teasingly and you shake your head, as soon as you process his words.” come on.” He whines.
“I’ll just cheer you on from down here.” The process of skiing looks terrifying. What do you mean you had to go on those zip line things, and slide down. Not you. Nope.
“it’s not that bad. You’ll be with me.”
Though it sounds comforting it doesn’t change anything. “I’ll just stay here looking around and taking pictures for you.” You smile hoping it convinces him.
He chuckles, his bunny smile on show for you.” baby what are you so scared of?” the pet name comes out smoothly, catching you by surprise. But it does seat itself in and warm your heart.
“it’s just scary.” You wrap your arms around your body.
He sighs watching you closely. “Fine, but can we do something as exciting, later.” He stares at you scattering your brain for what he could be referring to. “Like ice skating.” Oh—he was thinking ice skating. Last night has your mind in a whirlwind.
“That sounds better.” Jungkook laughs cause it’s basically the same thing, but he won’t get into it.
“Okay then.” He says walking to the register. “we’ll do that later.” It’s a promise.
Jungkook is off skiing and you’re sat in doors, still able to watch the outside activities, landscape and events thought the large window. You don’t mind not going skiing, it’s not like it was on your list.
While you’re sat you decide it’d be a good time to call jimin and let him in on your trip so far.
“it’s not as awkward, anymore. It was at first. But then we just agreed to just enjoy the trip for the sake of our money.”
“The sake of your money?” he mocks.
You choke out a laugh. “Yes, for the money.” Is it? “he’s been nice and all. It’s actually not bad.” Jimin hums as he listens, this time at least you have his attention.
You’ve shockingly enjoyed the trip more than you thought, so far. If you just keep on, the whole trip could go well and you’d be back to your normal lives. You hate the sickness you feel at the thought. The trip will end, it is gonna end and you’ll be back to what you were before. Gosh.
“Sounds like the trip is going a little too well.”
You scoff. “it’s not that, we’re both just chill.”
“No fucking or kissing.”
You gasp and look around like someone could’ve heard that, but your phone is to your ear. “jimin! Oh my gosh.” The thought of it has you blushing still.
“Just sayin’. Jungkook’s probably dying. ”
You roll your eyes. He’s fine, you’re fine.
You go on talking but soon you have to end the call. Immediately you cut the call and stuff your phone in your pocket a figure sits next to you. Male, not jungkook. You pay no mind to him. you’re on a public bench anyone can sit next to you. He’s just in his own business. Is what you think until he’s reaching over to talk to you.
“Exciting isn’t it.” when he speaks you catch his foreign accent, not Swiss. Must be a tourist like you.
You awkwardly furrow your brows. “Huh?”
“Skiing.” He points.
Then it clicks that that’s what he’s talking about.
“I presume.” You say modestly. Why the heck is he talking to you.
“Presume? Haven’t you gone?”
“no.” You shake your head chuckling. “it’s not for me.”
“You can’t say that. You haven’t even tried.” You internally roll your eyes. Why does he seem to care so much. “Plus, why come to Switzerland in the winter and not try skiing.”
You don’t know why you carry on this conversation, but you feel like justifying yourself. “Honestly I just came for the Lindt factory.” You say shamelessly causing the stranger to laugh. he doesn’t seem like a weirdo or creep, but you can never know. He’s probably not talking to you out of pure interest. So, you try to keep your distance.
“you’ve been?”
“Yeah. Yesterday.”
He hums sound interested and you know this conversation isn’t ending anytime soon. “How was it?”
You scoff internally. “It was fun. Would recommend you’ll love it.” You don’t even know him; how would you know he’d like it. And to be fair you’d add that Jungkook’s presence made the place more exciting to be at. You assume he doesn’t have a jungkook. Speaking of jungkook, how long is he going to be? You should’ve just gone out on a walk instead.
He nods. “Well maybe you can show me.” You pause, okay now you’re starting to get uncomfortable. “I’m sorry I don’t mean it like that. It’s just that I came alone and it would be nice to have someone show me around.” He justifies but it doesn’t make you any more comfortable. “I’d pay for your ticket if that’s the issue.”
You chuckle. “I’m a tourist to, there’s not much I can show you.”
“I mean you’ve visited the Lindt, so you know more than me.” Gosh he’s so adamant.
You smile awkwardly wishing jungkook would just pop up.
“you’d be better off going with someone else.” You’re looking around as if you’ve lost something. The man catches on to the action.
“Am I making you uncomfortable.” Yes. very.
“No-” before you can finish your lie of a statement, Jungkook’s interrupts, voice anything but kind.
“Yes, you are.” He says firmly, body not open for discussion.
The guy turns to look at you, then jungkook, then back at you. “Do you know him?”
Hesitantly you respond. “yeah” you debate on what to say. “He’s a friend.” He is isn’t he?
Friend? Jungkook chuckles internally. “Excuse us.” He spits out to the man.
The guy is taken aback, but just stands. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” You just nod and give him an awkward smile as he walks away.
You sigh relieved that he’s gone.
You and jungkook share a glance before he’s sitting down.
“Friend?” Jungkook asks when he sits next to you.
You raise a brow. “What? you wanted me to lie?”
“Lie?” he says even stronger. You don’t know what he’s pointing to right now.
“Are you parrot?” You chuckle trying to get smart with him.
Jungkook scoffs at how you avoid his eyes. “You couldn’t have said I was your boyfriend.”
“But you’re not.” You spit out a little quickly.
When you turn to look at him you catch how his jaw clenches. And if you weren’t arguing right now, you’d think it’s the hottest thing. “But you could’ve just lied so he leaves you alone. Now he’s probably going to try to approach you again.”
“he’s not going to.” You say naively.
Jungkook is getting frustrated with this, a little more than he should. “I know guys like that, he’s going wait for a time when I’m not around and attack.”
“Attack?” you laugh at his word choice. Your laughter only serves to his anger. “You’re being dramatic”
“I’m not being dramatic, I’m being serious” his statement comes out a little strong and louder than you’d like
“don’t yell.” You warn him and he apologizes. “I get you feel like you need to protect me, but relax.”
He laughs at the way you think. You thinking he’s feeling like he needs to, no, he needs to. He wants to.
“I don’t feel like, I need to, I want to.”
You don’t say anything, he knows he’s got you, what more could you say. There’s nothing. Jungkook is the protective type, has always been. He’s shown you that many times in your relationship. And then, it made sense but now you feel like he shouldn’t have to bother himself with it. You’re not his responsibility anymore. “We should get ready to go for lunch.” you stand walking away.
Jungkook follows after you, knowing you’re now gonna give him attitude. Your folded arms are evidence of that. He’d normally just kiss the attitude away but for obvious reason he can’t.
-
“you’re not gonna ask how skiing was?” He tries really hard to open the air for conversation. He hates it when you argue. So, he tries to everything he can to lighten the air.
You stare down at your food. Your eyes not meeting him once. “How was it?” you don’t even sound interested which you hate because you are. You love to hear jungkook talk about things he loves.
“It was great.” He explains not into going into much detail like he wanted to. Your energy demoralizes him. “I’m sure they’re still open if you still want to try. He suggests but you’re quick to shaking your head.
When he’s about to say something, he’s getting interrupted. It’s a girl, the one he met when skiing. She showed him around some routes since she’s a local.
“Yn, this is Lena. I met her whilst skiing.” He says introducing you. “Lena this is yn, my friend.”
Fuck now you know how bad it stings.
“Hey yn. How are you liking you trip so far?” she asks politely in an accent.
You stare her up, taking in her features. She looks about your age, and gorgeous. Why is your body so rigid. Speak. “Umm- hi-I’m liking it well enough. Thanks.” you can hear how stiff and awkward your speech is. Gosh yn she hasn’t done anything to you, chill. Smile.
Jungkook breaks into your awkward encounter. “I’m gonna be seeing you at the ice rink, right?”
He says and she smiles a little too hard. You roll your eyes. What does he mean he’s gonna see her there. Is the a you and him trip anymore? Your food doesn’t look as appetizing anymore. “Yeah. I’m there often during the holidays.”
The way her voice rings in your head is jarring. Make it stop.
Soon your prayers are answered and she’s leaving. Though unlike her your heavy heart stays.
Jungkook turns to you, still staring at her route of exit. “You, okay?” your eyes return.
You shift your eyes to your hands. “Yeah, I’m just tired.” You stand from the table choosing to leave. “I think I’m gonna stop by the cabin.”
Jungkook is confused. But he just takes you as you are.
“Sure, let me get-” he threatens to stand.
“no. I’ll just take a train.”
He sits down. If you want to be alone it’s best if he lets you be.
When you get to the cabin, all alone. You find yourself falling into deep thought.
The pretend play you and jungkook are playing is good for you to enjoy the trip, but you won’t deny how much it only covers your true feelings. You play pretend and feel all these feelings as though you’re still together and then the trip ends and you’re sucked into being apart. And it’s him leaving all over again.
You’re getting sick of it. There’s only so much pretending you can do.
Jungkook: ice skating later today?
He wants to be sure you haven’t changed your mind.
Not matter your emotions you still want to enjoy the trip.
You: sure. Meet you there.
When you make it to the ice rink, your mood is still tense from lunch, which is your fault for holding on to the emotions for so long. To only sour your mood more, you spot jungkook talking to the Lena girl from lunch.
You roll your eyes and watch how she giggles a little too hard at something he says. Jungkook is a funny guy, but she shouldn’t be laughing, whatever he’s said can’t be that funny. This is so irritating. Why the hell is she even here.
When jungkook spots you, he has on a huge grin, but the sour look on your face has him dropping it. He thought maybe you wouldn’t be still upset by now. But he’s wrong. “Yn you’re here.” He says it like he wasn’t expecting you and you weren’t meant to be here, or that’s how you hear it.
“We made plans, didn’t we?” your tone is nothing more than flat and irritated.
“We did.” He turns. “You remember Lena?” He turns to point at her, like you can’t see her. Why’s she looking at you.
Oh, could you forget her. “I do.” You jeer.
“Hi.” she with her perfect smile. You’d liked to punch it in—your of course—you’d never actually so it.
“Hey.” It comes out awkward and strained. Wanting to get things over with you turn to jungkook immediately. “what’re we doing now?”
“Um. We’ll have to get the skates.” He turns to Lena for some type of consultation, you scoff.
“Yeah, this way.” she says turning to lead the way.
Jungkook turns to you, your folded arms the first thing he sees. He stands next to you. “You get here okay?” you didn’t arrive together which means you had to take public transport, which he knows you don’t mind but he just wants to check on you.
“Yeah.” You mutter before walking ahead of him. Do you even know where you’re going?
You want to enjoy it, but the emotions that are ahead of you block you from doing so completely. And of course, Lena is a pro at skating.
Jungkook is fairly good, for someone who’s just taken it up. You’d attribute that to his quick learner personality.
You on the other hand are struggling, and it’s pissing you off. You hold on to the half wall and glide. There’s a good amount of people around and honestly, it’s embarrassing. -like- there are even small kids better at it than you. It’d be better if you just stopped. There are probably other activities you could do. Ice skating (or skiing) is not the end all be all of Switzerland.
Jungkook would probably enjoy skating more with Lena, seeing that they skied together earlier. You question why jungkook even ever liked you in the first place. You’re not cool like Lena or even as adventurous, you do try but you don’t feel it’s enough. He’s better off with someone like her. It’s good you broke up so that he can be free to do whatever. The thought stabs at your heart.
Jungkook spots you from where he is walking out. The look on your face anything but happy. He’s swift to skating to you, making sure not to bump into anymore with how fast he’s moving. “Where you going?”
His concerned and soft voice only intensifies your frustration. Could he not see how irritated and bad at this you are. He was probably too busy to notice. He’s always busy.
“You haven’t even travelled the while ring.” He chuckles awkwardly as you step off. He follows.
“I don’t know, I’m just not feeling it.” You don’t even dare look at him, because you know if you do your frustration will win and you’ll end up yelling or crying. And both are too embarrassing to do in public.
Jungkook scoffs. Jungkook can’t tell what’s going on with you but it’s definitely disturbing your ability to enjoy anything. He wants you to enjoy. But what’s irritating him is how you don’t want to communicate what you’re feeling to him. He’s always made himself a safe space for you to open up. But you never take it. Ever since he m0ved you’ve been distant, physically and emotionally. It’s frustrating cause all he wants is to be close to you in all ways. “You were not feeling skiing and now you’re not feeling this?”
Is he blaming you for not enjoying this? It’s not your fault you feel this way. You don’t even want to be feeling like this. You do want to enjoy skating, gosh you want to, so bad. But there’s just so much you’re holding on too that pretending can’t solve.
“Jungkook I’m not any good at this.” You gesture around eyes starting to sting when you watch how other people have fun while you argue. “You just go have fun with your Leni or Lena whatever.” You act like you aren’t sure of her name.
It’s the way you say it, the force and strain in the word. The way you look to the crowd in a jittering stare looking for her that let’s jungkook know what this is all about. Did it come off like that? She’s just a girl he met whilst skiing, he honestly never thought that far. Never thought you’d be thinking of it.
“Is this because of her?” he questions eyebrows furrowed trying to look at your face that’s staring down. Why the hell are this shoe laces so hard to untie. you just want to cut them off, but you’d probably have to pay for damages. Shit
Your frustration is replaced with another type of embarrassment, when jungkook is on his knee to replace his hands with yours to help you take the laces off. You just want the ground to swallow you right now. Unlike you Jungkook’s calmness is able to take the laces off. He tries to help you into your other shoes but you just brush him off. He moves.
Standing up and looking at you he asks. Voice calm like usual. “Is it?” you’d even forgotten his previous question. Do you have to answer him?
“I don’t know how it would be when you two are off to the other side of the ring. I’ve barely talked to her.” That’s exactly the problem why the heck do you feel like this when you haven’t gotten to know the girl. You barely know her intentions.
“It is.”
You groan rolling your eyes. “If you want help skating, I can help you. I’m sorry that I got carried away.” It’s probably one of the things you’re mad about. He just fucking left you like you didn’t make plans to come here together. Yeah, maybe your attitude made the distance between you, but he should know how to deal with it by now. Gosh you’ve been together for a good 3 years. He should know how you are.
And he does. That’s why he insists you’re acting like this cause of Lena. well, she’s probably just a catalyst and there’s something deeper that you two have to address.
You stand looking up at him, but he’s towering figure doesn’t make you as intimidating as you want to feel. “You don’t have to be sorry about anything, why? Cause you always know what you’re doing.”
“You know it’d be better if you just said it directly.” Whatever it is, because he wants to know. You want to walk past him but his hand around your wrist stops you. You look at it then at him. He’s not smiling, but not mad. Just concerned.
“I don’t--I’m not saying anything.” You snatch it form his grip and he lets you.
Jungkook’s face scrunches up in frustration. “That’s what you always say, then pull shit like this.”
You pause and stare at right in his--round eyes that are now, siren. “Shit like what?”
“This. Your fucking attitude.” He almost loses his tone but remembers that you’re in public, which is so fucking embarrassing. “You never want to talk about things.” He looks around for any watching eyes.
You just glare at him. Maybe you don’t like expressing yourself to him anymore. You’ve noticed it too. It had been hard for you to express yourself to him over a call, and sometimes shitty network. There had been days where you wanted to cry on his shoulders but only had the screen to rely on, so guess what you did. Nothing. You didn’t cry, you didn’t tell him anything. You’d just cry on your pillow after the call ends. “Maybe I don’t cause I know you won’t listen.”
That’s a hit to his ego. To him as a person.
“That’s bullshit and you know it. I always listen to you.” The blank look on your face has him questioning himself. “of course, I’m not perfect.”
You chuckle bitterly.
“Just go off to your little girlfriend.” And there it is, a confirmation of what he already knew.
You start walking to the entrance. And he follows. Shoes on. He’s not going to be able to skate with the heaviness in his heart. He’d end up sinking into the ice, which doesn’t sound so bad right now. “Come on.” He swiftly moves to standing Infront of you. He blocks you from moving and you just give up and just decide to look at his jaw, not wanting to look directly at him. Which was not a good idea, cause of how he clenches it. You look up into his eyes. “you’re jealous?”
“Who?” he’s a parrot and now you’re an owl, he wants to say but finds it inappropriate for your mood.
“You are so jealous.”
“I’m no-”
“don’t lie to me.” You try to push at his chest for him to move out of your way, but your plan backfires giving him leeway to hold your hand firmly to his chest. Hard as a rock even through he’s sweater. “Tell me why you’re jealous.”
Instead of answering him directly you try to change the topic. You swear you can feel his heart beat through his sweater.
“Don’t act like I couldn’t see you jealous too when that guy approached me.” You try to one-up.
“I was jealous.” His confession has you wanting you dig a hole and hide yourself. It’s so easy for him to say, you weren’t even enjoying your conversation with that guy. “Difference with me is that I can say it.”
Shit. Shit. What do you say now. Get angrier, that always works, well not really.
“Whatever. I’m not jealous.” You look away from him. Are you really doing this in public. Jungkook doesn’t look like he gives a fuck right now, he just wants an answer. One which he’s not going to get.
“Tell me what you’re so jealous about?” his voice lowers
“How many times do I have to say I’m not jealous.” Till you can’t deny it anymore, the thought runs through Jungkook’s mind. “Just go have your fun.” You finally decide you’re tired of feeling his heart beat perfectly.
“you’re so ridiculous y’know.” He watches you move slight away, anger not faltering one bit. You’re determined to being upset. “can’t we just talk about this. It seems to be bothering you.”
It is. It’s fucking gnawing at your heart, your lungs, your mind.
“Nothing’s bothering me, I’m fine.” You breathe in, relaxing and calming down just a bit. “I just don’t want to be out there all on my own, while you’re having fun with some else.” Jungkook licks his lip. He doesn’t have anything else to say. What he has to say can’t be said here or whilst you’re unable to hear.
“I’m going home.” You pass by him and he doesn’t bother turning to watch you walk out.
“Korea?” it’s possible for you to want to leave. And the thought causes him to bite down hard on his bottom lip. Cause if you leave on these terms, nothing’s gonna change and he’d never get another chance. You’d avoid him like the plague.
“No, the cabin.” You state and he’s relieved. “Have fun.”
“Everything okay?” jungkook is startled by Lena’s voice who walked around to find him after she noticed he was gone.
“Yeah.” You force a smile. “I’ll just get going.” He informs her. He already has his stuff so there’s no need for him to go back inside. “Thanks for getting us in, though we didn’t even stay long.”
“No problem. It was fun, wish I got to talk to her.”
“Yeah, she isn’t normally like that.” Cause you aren’t.
“I understand.”
You don’t immediately go to the cabin. Instead, you go to the sauna you had been eyeing. It could probably be the only way to relax you. The sweat dripping down will mask the real tears falling down your face. You’re glad you’re alone right now.
You have your head leaned back thinking about what had just previously happened. The thoughts not wanting to leave you.
You hear the door open but you don’t bother looking, you’ve got a lot to think about. “hey stranger..” the familiar voice speaks just as shocked. You sharply open your eyes. Wondering if it’s you he’s speaking to but you’re just the two of you in here.
You’re just the two of you.
“didn’t expect to find you here.” He says setting himself down just in front of you and you looking at him oddly. Do you have bad luck?
“hmm” you chuckle awkwardly. You make a plan to gradually scoot yourself to the door. Being with him here does make you uncomfortable but you try to stay to enjoy what’s left of your time. You expect silence but the man doesn’t see on the same level. “Went to the Lindt factory like you said. Was honestly the best of everything.”
“I’m glad you liked it.” you say like you’re a worker at the factory or care.
“It would’ve been better if you came too.”
You awkwardly chuckle and finally decide to sit up. You came here to think and relax but this guy couldn’t be more of a bother. “I’m sure I would’ve just made it worse.”
He chuckles and smiles your way. A smile you do not reciprocate “I doubt.”
“Is your friend around?” Now you should fucking leave.
“Mm?” you ask like you didn’t hear. Fucking sirens are blaring. He’s not giving off I’m gonna leap at your vibe. It’s more of his inability to give up that bugs you. “Oh- ahh yeah. He’s gonna be here.”
He turns to look at the door like Jungkook’s about to walk through the door, but he doesn’t. gosh you wish he would. “isn’t it hard to have male friends like him.” You look at him brows furrowed, confused. You wait for him to elaborate and he’s quick to it. “Protective.” He says.
“how?”
“makes it hard for you to live your live and get to know people.” You laugh. it’s not like jungkook has his hands on you and pulling you away from people who want to talk to you. He’s actually for it but he just has a good discernment of creeps. As you sit here you reflect on his words from before when you initially met the guy. Gosh you should really start listening to jungkook. Makes you realize how right he is—sometimes--
“no.” your tone is sharp that the soft one you’d been giving him.
He shakes his head. He lifts his hands in defence saying, “I think he’s doing too much.” Now you’re getting upset, visibly so, which is not lost to the man. Who the fuck does he thinks he is. He’s the one doing too much, “I’m not some weirdo, I promise.” He hasn’t shown any signs of it yet, but you don’t give a fuck and you’re not gonna wait around for him to show it.
“I think you’re doing too much.” You snare abruptly standing up. He can tell the irritation on your face and is about to defend himself but you’re quick to cutting in. you’re not about to have it.
“I don’t know how your long your trip is but if you see me around, please don’t speak to me.”
“Wait.” You don’t.
Sauna time done you decide to go back to the cabin, feeling anything but relaxed. Daylight already lost.
Today has honestly knocked you out, as though you’ve done anything energy straining. It’s more of an emotional strain. When you walk in jungkook isn’t anywhere to be seen. So, you just assume he never got back. Makes you wonder where the hell he is and why he didn’t tell you, but you’re in no place to convict him cause you never informed him of your sauna endeavours as well. You’re both grown adults and can move around Switzerland without the other—but—why do you feel entitled to know where he is. You lost those privileges when you broke up and now when you left him at the rink.
Maybe a steamy shower will do what the sauna didn’t finish cause of you interruption. After that you decide to end your night early, you’ve got nothing to do after all.
you toss and turn in bed, barely able to get a linear sleeping time. Everything just feels so weird and off. Even worse than in the beginning. It’s all a different type of awkward, which you hate. Jungkook isn’t sleeping next to you which prompts you to checking the time.
1:39am your phone tells you.
Where the hell is he, you’re starting to get scared. You’re not worried about his safety cause jungkook is very capable in that sector, --well unless he got shot—shot? Why are thinking of that. Who’d fucking shot him, let alone in Switzerland. He’s never been in any trouble with the law or anyone. You’re getting paranoid, if you don’t see jungkook in the flesh, well and not wounded, you’re gonna lose your mind.
Putting on the sweater that has been a staple and carried you through the trip you walk out the bedroom to the open floor living room. you sigh when you don’t spot jungkook. You won’t be able to go back to sleep even if you wanted to. Cause you don’t feel like it and are losing your mind. As you’re standing in the living room like an anxiety ridden mom waiting for their teenager child at midnight, you hear it. It’s wood chopping sounds. Harsh and fast. You do have some cabins around you so it could be your neighbours—but no--the sound is closer to yours, like it’s just outside. So, you curiously walk to the door which would lead you closer to the sound. Maybe you aren’t as afraid cause you assume it’s jungkook. And it is.
You relax when you spot his figure well and healthy.
He doesn’t notice as you stand watching him. bottom lip chewed down on. Why the hell is he chopping wood at 1 in the morning.
You want to say something. You need to. Maybe apologize about what happened at the rink, you have a fair share in the argument. Since waking up or maybe after the sauna you realized how childish your behaviour was. You ruined the moment. When you could’ve just asked jungkook to help you and he would’ve been there, hadn’t you chosen to give into your irritation. Irritation of seeing him with a woman. There you said it.
His muscles flex as he moves to drop the axe down on the wood.
This is not what you want for you and jungkook. Arguing and not able to talk or share air. It’s not what you want. Even if things do officially end, you’d want to end it on calm and friendlier terms.
As you watch him you notice how his jaw tightens. He’s not just chopping wood. You start to worry for him when his movements grow harsher, of the larger chunk of wood.
“What did the wood do to you?” you try to be neutral.
He didn’t notice you behind him. So, he’s startled by the sound of your voice. Turning to look at you holding yourself in the door way, he chooses to take a break. He got so carried away he forgot he was cutting wood for the fire place and had cut too much. He drops the axe into snow. “Ditched me at the ice rink.” He says going to pick up some pieces of wood to bring inside.
Fuck you feel so bad. You stay silent watching him until he’s brought all the wood in and finally closing the door. Which allows for the warmth from the now blazing fire to fill the house. Now in warmer climate, jungkook takes off his large sweater and you drop your arms that were still wrapped around you.
“I’m sorry about that.” You mumble softly. He stands at the sink, you assume to make himself something warm.
“it’s okay, it’s not like I went all the way to stay in touch with some girl so she could get me—us--a good deal at the ice rink. Then I take you there and you ditch the thing entirely.”
You do feel horrible about to, but his tone irritates you causing you to respond as just that. Which you immediately regret.
“I left you with her, weren’t you happy with that.” You have an interesting way of saying things that bother you.
Jungkook pauses his actions and stares at you with a seriously confused face. He scoffs. You’re not making sense. “You know that’s not what I wanted.” He returns to his mug. “I wanted to spend it with you.” His voices calms.
Fuck. Uhm what do you say. You should probably say you’re sorry. “I’m sorry.”
Jungkook just listening. He just doesn’t understand, he wishes you could just be straight forward. Frustrated and tired of hiding behind a task, he drops the cup to give you, his attention.
“Did I say something wrong?” you stand where you are but jungkook moves. To you. You panic but he doesn’t walk closer than a few feet from you. You don’t know how you’d handle yourself if he came any closer. At the rink you almost died. “At the rink?” he clarifies like you’re not fully aware. He just wants to make sure that you’re on the same page. Cause you can think of other times he might have feared he’d said something wrong. “I honestly shouldn’t even have started talking to her.” He rubs a hand over his face.
Jungkook has never been malicious to you in your friendship before or relationship. Or even now. He’s been cordial. He’s the only man who’s treated so well and calmingly. Of course he has his imperfections, you both do. But it doesn’t take from how well he’s treated you. He never crosses a line.
“it’s not even that.” You’re looking off to the side and holding yourself again,
Gosh, he’s really holding himself right now. He bites his lower lip and clenches his jaw to hold himself back from just walking up to you and making you look him in the eyes. “Then what’s wrong. Please talk to me.” He pleads.
“I don’t know,” you whisper still looking beyond him, your voice is barely audible.
He’s begging, really for you to just tell him something. “Please don’t say that.” He responds, his tone a mix of frustration and pleading. He steps closer just a few centimetres away, if you unfolded your arms you’d probably bump into his chest.
“I don’t-” you start but your voice cuts you off, “it’s the way you-” you aren’t able to finish. What are you going to do with yourself. This is embarrassing, you can barely form or organize your thoughts and your mouth can barely move to speak. You’re not even going to talk about how hard it is for you to look him in the eyes. You just settle with staring at his other supporting features. His hair, his ears (that are red from what you assume is frustration—it’s not--), his eyebrows and then you skip to look at his nose--
“was it me talking to that girl?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” You push away slightly.
“But we have--you know what--I want to.” He moves to block your action of walking away. You thought you were strong enough. You thought you’d manage to talk about this. But you can’t. not when it makes you want to cry. “I want to talk about it.” His voice is stern but not harsh. It’s just strong enough to let you know he’s not letting this go. It’s funny how something so insignificant can cause you to be in this situation. Forced to express and confront your emotions, the one’s you’ve been running from since the trip began, the one’s you told yourselves you’d pretend didn’t exist. You fooled yourselves by dodging the topic.
Now you’re here. “While we’re at it we can talk about why you broke up with me.” He’s not asking if you can talk about it, he’s telling you it has to be talked about and he’s not gonna let it go by. Not this time.
At his words, all your emotions unite to form a single unit of defence. “me? you agreed too.” You point at him face scowling.
“I only did cause it’s what you wanted, and I didn’t want to hold you back.”
You stare confused. “Hold me back from what?” what the fuck does he think you’ve been doing. You hope he doesn’t think you’ve been out and about since breaking up, that’s been the last thing on your mind.
“From living the life, you wanted to, without me.” His upset at the thought leading his voice to come out a little passive aggressive.
He does think that, you can see it. “Without you? I don’t want that.” You state. “But how can I live a life with you when you’re miles away, always busy. And can barely visit.” You just talk. Finally, your gears are moving. But the problem is that so are the tears. “You moving away is you choosing to live without me too.” You choke on your words a little. “Even I didn’t want to tie you to me or hold you back from your dreams that’s why I tried to li- live with it, but it got so unbearable kook. I couldn’t take it. it felt like I was alone. In fact, I was alone.”
Jungkook feels sick hearing that you felt alone.
“You know I did try.” His voice is soft, moving himself into your circle. You let him. He can’t help himself but cup your cheek. The action feels comforting, almost relieving. At least he’s here and you’re not talking over the phone, makes it much easier for you to sink into his touch.
You hold the wrist that’s caressing your cheek. Gosh you want to keep his touch here forever. “I know that’s what hurts more you tried but it still wasn’t enough. I really did want it to work. I still do.” On your last sentence you look up at him and he’s already staring at you, the thump of his other hand coming swiftly to wipe your stray tears. You sniffle. “Cause honestly I’ve missed you kook.” You feel comforted playing with the end of his sweater. “So much. I miss how we were before you moved. When it was easier for us to be together.” your fingers take a journey from the bottom of his sweater to the neck.
Your palms lay flat on his chest and his hands move to softly hold your wrist, not to move you away but you keep there.
“I know we said we’d pretend. A-and I thought I could. But I can’t kook.” On cue with his name, you look up at him. “fuck- I never knew how much I hate seeing you talk to other—" you can’t finish your sentence, but it’s okay cause he’s finished for you in his mind. “I’m sorry for attitude.”
He glides his hands from your wrists down your arms until they are both on your waist. “I’m sorry too.” He’s pulling you closer, your hands still on his chest, but now for stability. “I’m so sorry I was too distracted for you. You didn’t deserve that. You don’t serve that.” He’s caressing your back. “okay?” you have to answer but you can only bring yourself to nodding. All he’s ever wanted was to know. Know what was wrong and how he could fix it.
“I’ve missed you too.” He smiles lightly bringing his nose to brush against yours. The action has you tilting your head upwards. His lips itch to touch yours, but they don’t they just hover, he still has more to say. And he wants to say it close enough for you to feel it. “If only you knew how I dreaded every morning and realized you weren’t next to me. Every time I just wanted to fly back home.”
“So, what stopped you.” You’re looking at his lips. his rosy and moist lips from how hard he’s been biting and licking on that. You wanna do that. You wanna kiss him, wanna be the only biting down on his lips. you wanna do a lot of things right now. You wanna run your hands through his hair remind yourself of its texture, you wanna lift that sweater off, that holds his cologne so well, the earthy lavender scent, that crawls its way through your system. You wanna take that sweater off him, --feel, see—just how much that gym membership as proved itself valuable. You know you won’t be disappointed, jungkook loves the fucking gym.
“I don’t even know. But all I know is that it’s not gonna stop me anymore.” Him nudging his nose closer has you tilting your head to meet his lips. the air between you feels heavy. The feeling pulling your lips to meet. And when the do, it’s fervent. His kiss is urgent but slow, not wanting to be apart from you for a second.
Your bodies are hooked together as Jungkook is moving you back into a wall. The kiss intensifies when he leans your head back with his hand around your neck. You’re gripping onto his sweater for support and breathing him in for life.
Jungkook clings onto your lips for life too, even if he needs to breath he doesn’t stop. You moaning into his mouth will suffice. He doesn’t know where to keep his hands. Should he use them to tilt your head back to deepen the kiss, (if he goes any deeper he’s gonna sink.) whilst he uses the other to pull you leg up by your thighs, his grip surely leaving crescent moons as decorations. He doesn’t know what to do with them. For the moment he uses them to pull he sweater over his head. You’ve been clawing at it to come off.
Now shirtless you can feel his skin for what you remember it to be silky-smooth. So delicate that you fear leaving scratch marks on him, but jungkook encourages it, he begs you to do it. Your hands roam his body, first his large back, muscles flexed, then down his firm chest then down to his defined midsection. “What am I to do with all this.” You say breathless.
“You tell me. It’s all yours.” Your lips are meeting again. Tongues tagging at each other. For some reason the rich, sweet and completely irresistible taste of chocolate lingers on your lips, but he loves it and is drinking it up.
Jungkook finds that his hands are better at gripping your thigh and lifting it to wrap around his waist. His core moves into you and you feel how hard he is against you. You’re thankful for his thin pajama pants.
Your hands pull at the root of his hair, though it’s shorter you make it work, making him groan into your mouth. You both can’t fucking breath at this point, which is the only reason you’re pulling away. Your heavy breaths brushing against each other.
“jungk-” you’re moaning for him to take you to bed but he’s steps ahead of you. Your feet don’t have to fret cause he’s lifting you by the thighs to lay you on the edge of the bed.
You lay back on the bed but legs on his shoulder, he’s kneeling between your legs. Your pants are still on but not for long. In a swift motion you’re left in your plain black panties. The ones with the little bow. He chuckles at the detail. When you see what he’s laughing at you get self conscious. Jungkook looks up at you confused why you’re closing your legs.
“I didn’t know we’d be in this position, so these are the one I brought.” You try to explain yourself cheeks blushing red. He doesn’t know why you’re so insecure about the detail. He loves them.
For a quick kiss he’s on his feet hovering over you. “it’s okay, I like my gifts wrapped in bows.” He smirks and the comment has you calling out his name in shock. peck. He’s back on his knees staring at your core. The bow is a detail he’ll miss but he’d gotta take them off. Fuck is all he can think when your cunt is right in front of him, wet. Is this where he’s meant to die, right in your cunt from suffocation cause he won’t be able to detach himself from you.
Your legs are planted on his shoulder, your ass just at the edge of the bed. When he first swipes his tongue through your folds, it takes you by surprise. Gosh you missed him being right there.
“fuck” you whimper the sound not being able to be masked. Your slick, probably mixed with his saliva, drips down your cunt, down his chin. His nose is so deep in it that some of your juices run up his nose. Is this how fucking cocaine sniffers feel? He can’t wait till his cock is buried snuggly it. He sniffs in, on purpose this time, takin git once more. You grind on his face making him suck harder at your clit. You’re getting dizzy and gripping hard at the sheets. His nails dig into your thighs harshly, the pain causing pleasure.
Everything is so intense you can’t tell apart your orgasm. Fuck you can’t be coming this fast from just his tongue. Shit. “Jungkook. Don’t stop” You whine the intense feeling approaching quick, your walls tightening and fluttering around his tongue. Jungkook’s so carried away he only realizes you’re coming when your legs are shaking. He drinks everything that leaves and it’s only when you’re pulling his head back from overstimulation that he realizes he should take a breath. He’s starved can you blame him?
“you’re so gorgeous baby.” he says peppering kisses on your thighs. “Wanna do that again for me.” He’d absolutely would eat you out for a second time in a row. And you’d love that but you just want to feel him.
You’re moving up the bed and he’s hovering over you kissing your jaw. Your palms meet his ass in a teasing smack.
“Missed this ass.” You smile under him. jungkook just chuckles. you want to add on but his finger stuffing your tight cunt has you silent, gasping for air.
Jungkook smiles down at your pleasure strained face. “mm? not so talkative now?”
He thinks he’s got you. Then you slide down your hand down his abs, he knows where your hand travels and though it’ll destroy his ego, he lets you do it. “so big” you bite your bottom lip as you start stroking him, using your own juices as lubricate. He’s walls are falling. Your hand wrapped around him, has him burying his moans in the croak of your neck.
It’s a competition huh? he loves those second and fucking your cunt first.
You’re stroking him in his pants and he’s pumping his fingers in your cunt. He’s kissing you to hide his moans. It’s a fucking competition and he’s losing. He can’t lose. His hand leaves your cunt to grab at your wrist. You stop. He pulls you away from him. if you went on any longer, he’d be done for and the night wouldn’t end the way he wants. He hasn’t been touched in a year, unless it’s talking about those times you sexted, but it doesn’t count. It feels different when it’s your hands.
“why’d you do that?” you whine.
“If you did that you wouldn’t have gotten the orgasms I have left for you.” You don’t respond. you won’t argue, you do want them.
His fingers are back to pumping and even sooner than before your climax approaches. He wishes he could count just how much you flutter around his finger but he’s too busy looking at your face, pleasure written all over it. and its pride that fills him, knowing he’s the one giving it to you.
Jungkook moves away and you watch how he licks his fingers clean. The way he smiles at you after, is disgustingly hot.
“Take off your pants.” You tell him.
“You take off your shirt.” He reciprocates, you’d forgotten you’d even been wearing anything.
Jungkook is spoiled by the sight before him, your chest sprawled out for him to taste. So, he leans down and wraps his tongue around a nipple. His hand lost at the other side. You love all the foreplay, really, but you want him. you’ve been thinking about it for forever.
“Jungkook.” You call. He hums saying you have his attention. “I want you.”
There’s nothing more he wants.
“Want you too baby.” He says grabbing his cock and aligning it with your entrance. Then he remembers.
“fuck” he whispers. You sit up and wander what has him holding back.
“what?”
“I don’t have a condom.” He knows he doesn’t have one, it’d be weird, it’s not like he was coming on this trip expecting to fuck you.
“Why?” he stares at you confused.
“I didn’t expect fucking to be on the itinerary.”
Oh yeah, you laugh at himself.
“Do you?”
“Nope. Why would I have them.” He just shrugs his shoulders.
He’s gonna lose it. “Are you on the pill?” it’s his only option.
That’s when you shake your head. “Got off when we broke up.”
Okay so what is he gonna do, his cock hard and your cunt right in front of him.
“Jungkook come on you can pull out.” You whine pulling him forward.
She shakes his head. “god no. I almost lost my mind from your hand. It’d lose it in your pussy.” You smile, you shouldn’t be laughing cause you won’t be able to fuck. But you just can’t help but smile at the fact that he almost lost himself just from your hand. You’ve got no clue on what to do. You really need to fuck him.
“Wait--” he looks at you. “This is a lover’s cabin.” You say but he waits for you to elaborate and make sense.
“wouldn’t they have condoms in the cupboard or something.” He didn’t think of that.
So, as you stand you walk over to the cupboard roughly open it almost tipping it over. “Bingo!” you celebrate pulling out a long string of condoms. Your saving grace.
You carefully pull out one and toss it to jungkook.
“Relax aren’t they the one’s you usually use,” you say when you see the look on his face. They do look like they’ve just been purchased and placed. He’s so thankful right now. He leans against the head board and you watch how he gracefully he strokes himself and slips it on, your mouth drools but you’re too needy. You’ll do that another day.
“Come ride cow girl.” He welcomes you when he’s all done. You stretch your legs over him, centering yourself. His hands are quick to spread across your ass, landing a light tap.
He helps you centre himself at your entrance. His brows scrunch together when he feels your tight warmth slide down him. he definitely isn’t going to last long, maybe he’ll hold on till you come but after that is not promised.
His hand loosely holds at your throat, just enough to tilt it back slightly and leave wet kisses and marks everywhere on your skin.
You sliding up and down him feels great but he couldn’t help himself but move his fingers to touch your clit. In pure pleasure you’re wrapping your arms around him and kissing him. you love this position, how he nudges at your back, how intimate it feels, the way you’re so close after being so far away. The cold is barely in mind. Jungkook can’t express how much he’s missed you.
You love it.
But what you love more is how he pulls at your hair, just softly. “Love fucking my cock huh?” he asks but you’re unable to answer his hips jutting up into you with great speed. Jungkook could get carried away with the way your boob bounce but he chooses to say focus. “You like that huh?” he smirks but your eyes are closed, the pleasure of his intense strokes taking you out.
“Yeah, love fucking you kook.” You whimper out.
He’s thrusting harder and you’re moaning louder. “you look so pretty taking me baby. Wanna fuck you forever.”
You wish you.
Your body melts into his as you’re coming again, jungkook fucking into you for his own high which follows after yours. When he catches his breath, he’s laying you down and beside you just after throwing the filled condom.
“I’m gonna get the bath started.” He says planting a quick kiss on your shoulder.
You’re too drained to stand so when he’s back to come get you you’re dozing off. “come on baby I’ve got to get you cleaned up.”
You groan. “Then after a I can make you cocoa.”
“I’m so tired kook.” You whine.
“I knowww.” he coos. Next thing you know he’s lifting you, bridal style. “it’s okay I’ve got you.”
“Hmm. Don’t move.” Jungkook whines when you threaten to stand and start your day. You two have already slept in because of your late-night endeavours.
“I have to kook. We have so much for our day.”
“Ugh! Fine. But first give me your hand.” He demands the action has you confused but you give it to him. when he has it, he’s giving you a billion kisses. “I love you.” He doesn’t think it’s too soon cause—well he doesn’t know it just felt right to say.
“I love you too now let me go.” He makes sure not to unhand you until you say it more ‘meaningfully’ according to him.
---
You and jungkook decided to retry ice skating (you were hell bent on not going skiing.)
As you’re skating jungkook slides to the half wall, after telling you he has to take a call. You shoo him away after telling you’ll be fine alone (for the meantime).
“Any news?” jungkook was nervous when he got the call from Namjoon. This is a very important call from him, it determines what the hell he’s gonna choose. Quit or get transferred.
“Yeah. it’s been approved.” Jungkook is still for a moment.
“Seriously?” it almost feels like a dream.
“Yeah, had to do a lot of convincing but they agreed.” He’s so grateful for Namjoon. He’s gonna miss him. Jungkook looks over to you, gliding not great but better, and you’re smiling this time. So, he’s happy. You’re happy.
“Thank you, man,”
Namjoon smiles, he knows how much this means. “No problem.” The call cuts.
This just seals a lot “kook look out.” He pockets his phone and as he’s turning to you, you slam into him. You haven’t gotten to the knowing how to stop just yet. Maybe next time.
“You okay, baby.” He says holding onto you by your waist
You let out a dramatic breath that has him smiling. “Yeah, but I’m getting kinda tired.” You say out of breath and letting your weight fall into his arms.
“I’m getting hungry too.” You’ve spent a good amount of time ice skating so you decide to leave it for next time.
--
“what’s the plan for tonight.” He asks as you eat.
“Hmm. For the first time I don’t know.” You both laugh. “We could go out for dinner—ohhh the hot tub--.” You forgot about it cause none of you ever wanted to use it, honestly you didn’t even expect the place to have a hot tub.
“I like the sound of that.”
The steam of the hot tub hovers lazily on the surface of the water. The steam curls around jungkook as his gaze locks on you. Body dry cause you haven’t gotten in yet. You walk onto the deck, the dim but still bright enough lights radiant off your skin, as though the sun has come to pay him a visit at night.
His breath is caught.
The bikini hugs you in all the ways that made his thoughts falter, the curves of your body illuminated by the soft glow of the light. He swallows hard, his mouth dry despite being surround by water. You make him weak, so much that he looks only at you, even though your attention is else were. You try to find a place to hook your towels.
And then you turn around to smile at him in victory of finding a place to hang them. He nods acknowledging but no paying attention.
He leans back slightly, the water lapping at his shoulders as his eyes roam you, mesmerized. There’s some thing unworldly about you, something he can’t quite put into words. It wasn’t just the way you looked, that made him trip for you. It was the way you carried yourself, the way your body swayed as you moved closer to him.
His arms immediately reach out to envelope you. “Enjoying the view?” you tease, your voice relaxing into the tub and his warmth.
The chuckle he releases is low, “you know I am.”
Your giggle like a melody. You wrap your arms around him and he loses his stability for a second before regaining it. “careful.” He murmurs to you, a slow smile spreading across his face. “I might drown.”
“I wouldn’t want that.” you peck his lips.
You relax for a while just taking in the night and each other presence.
Jungkook has been meaning to ask, the question eating at his mind. “Do you want to go back to Korea with me?” it sounds like a dumb question, you came together so you will be leaving together.
But the double meaning lies within and he’s desperate to know your answer.
“What are you saying?” you coo at him. “Aren’t we already going back together.” You’re talking about the tangible stuff, the tickets, the plane, the flying, even the landing and going home. But he doesn’t mean that.
After pecking your shoulder water sticking to his lips, he explains. “I don’t mean physically.”
You stare down at him eyes softening. “kook” you realize the seriousness of his question. And for a second jungkook senses scepticism. So, he panics.
“If it’s bout my job, I’m working on it.” His voice is quick.
That was a fear of yours, even more that he wouldn’t want to move. Jungkook has thought about it, the move was a rush decision he never spoke to anyone about it to ask their opinion or whatever. And honestly the move didn’t bring him much joy, besides the opportunity to adventure Jeju. But apart from that he was away from his family, his friends and you. Everything that made his life.
“Seriously?” you say more shocked than anything else.
“Yeah, Namjoon called me. My transfer got approved.”
You gasp the water swashing from your movement. “don’t lie to me”
He laughs. “I’m not.”
“I thought you said getting it approved is hard.” You’re finding this so hard to believe.
“It is, I guess I got lucky.”
You squeal moving in to hug him.
“When did you start all this.” It’s along process so he had to start early.
“Honestly before we broke up. I wanted to surprise you if it got approved. But then-” you shush him from going on further.
“So, what would have you done if it didn’t get approved.” Your tone drops.
Jungkook sighs looking around in thought. “would’ve fucking quit.” it’s funny how easy the idea is for him, former him would have struggled with the question. “I’m tired of being so far from you.”
“Same.” He places a longer and soft kiss on your lips.
“So, you wanna go back with me?” His voice is playful, as he looks up at you through wet lashes.
“Mhm.” You smile, leaning slightly closer to him, your fingertips tracing lazy circles on his shoulder. “I wanna go everywhere with you.”
The words hang in the air for a moment, warm and intimate, as his lips lifts into a small, boyish grin. “We can arrange that.”
Jungkook doesn’t mind being patched to your side like a little purse dog. In fact, the way he leans into you now, his hand slipping around your waist as if it were second nature, says he’d prefer it. His thumb grazes your hip absentmindedly, a small gesture that feels both possessive and endearing.
“I’m gonna miss it.” you say leaning into Jungkook's shoulder with a pout. You wait patiently for your flight. “Feels like we just started the trip.”
Jungkook reaches over to cup your hand in his. He then interlocks your fingers and brings it to his lips; the action causes you to smile softly. He really likes to do that. It’d never been a trait of his before, so you’re intrigued, to why he does it all of a sudden. “We can come back one day. together.”
“Yeah together.” You reassure. You like this. Like having him with you.
[3 months later]
“Jimin if you’re gonna wear that to my fucking wedding you’re not coming.” You announce to a jimin too focused on the light blue suit he’s in. in the mirror you can spot his cheeky grin. He’s not gonna wear a freaking light blue suit, it’s not on the colour scheme, plus he doesn’t like how it makes him look.
He turns to look at jungkook who’s standing on his own pedestal looking into the mirror. Touching and teasing at the suit. “Jungkook you’re not gonna let her do that right?.” Jungkook just shrugs his shoulders at jimin. He’s not pleased with the answer. He knew the dude was down bad, but not this down bad. “Bro!”
“she’s the boss.” Jungkook raises his hands in surrender and you smirk in your seat.
“Come on man…standup.” he fists at Jungkook who just laughs. As Jimin is stepping out to get out of the suit (he stayed so long in it you thought he might actually want to wear it.) and get changed, you swat him with a magazine and he’s quick to running out not wanting you to land another hit.
Now alone in the dressing room you walk up to jungkook. You lean your chin on his shoulder, your hands finding there way to his chest. He welcomes them with his own. “You look so handsome.” Your voices hums sweetly by his ear. Jungkook lifts up both of your hands to place soft and warm kisses on them. The action has you blushing red. The ring on your finger and indication of why he liked to do it before. Plus, now, he just enjoys it., it makes you blush and he likes that.
“Mhm.” He hums against your wrists. “You like it?”
“I love it.” You take a hundredth glance at a preview of what he might wear at your wedding. If he chooses it’s what he wants. You love the cut on him. the colour complimenting his skin, and the style shows off his physique, not too much, but not too little. But all the buttons on the vest and shirt are gonna give you some trouble undoing.
Jungkook stares at you completely enamoured at the way you’re looking at it. You should be looking at him like that. “I think you might love the suit more than me.” He turns abruptly causing you to fall into his chest. He catches and keeps you stable with his firm hand on your lower back.
You place one hand on his chest and the other around his neck, bringing you much closer. “I might just.” Your lips could meet easily with how close you are. But you don’t move them and jungkook pouts at how you deny him the opportunity.
“I’m gonna take it off, not gonna let you love it more.” He nudges his nose with yours.
“Take it off.”
“Jeon Yn! I forgot how freaky you are.” You roll your eyes at how he’s already given you his last name, you like the sound of it though. Reminds you of how real this is, you’re not dreaming.
Trying to tease him more you move by his ear to whisper, “Not here though.”
Jungkook is biting his lower lip. “We should hurry then.” he moves to kiss your shoulder, your off-the-shoulder top giving him leeway to kiss your skin directly. He peppers more kisses from your shoulder to your neck before you get carried away you’re prompting for him to turn around. He does, though reluctantly.
You giggle.
“Do you like it though?” your voice turns serious, as much as you like it and how you just want to see him in it the whole day. If he likes it matters.
“Yeah, it makes me look so…husband.” He smiles boyishly as he winks at you in the mirror.
“Oh-gosh.” You push yourself away from him to get back to your seat. You’re not gonna be here all day.
He turns to face you. Still standing on the pedestal. “When do I get to see you in your dress” His teeth play with his lip ring as he asks curiously. The thought of you in the gown exciting him.
“When I walk down the aisle.” You stare blankly, no room for discussion. And he doesn’t, you’ve been quite stern about him not seeing you in any bridal wear until the wedding. Which he doesn’t mind, he can wait.
“Make sure it’s a ball gown so that I can slip under and hide.” He gestures his hands to elaborate what he means.
You shake your head. It’s not your style, maybe when you were a child, but you’ve grown. “I’m not wearing a ball gown.”
Ditching the jacket, he places it next to you and stands closing your legs between his. He lowers himself so your nose is touching his. His arms trap you between him and the couch. You didn’t think he was not gonna get that kiss right? He kisses you softly, then again. Then a little harder the third time, this one lasting seconds longer. You hold on his waist for stability. He kisses you once more just for the sake.
“I’m very sure you’ll look divine in whatever you pick, baby.”
A/N: so that's that. I hope I've fixed your broken heart from I-redo. there are scenes that i couldn't fit in. Yes of course there are other activities they did, but if i wrote it all it would be boring and too long and would probably be pushed to next month. i wish i could've written more fluff but idk.
i will allow for story drabble request if you guys want that.
but yeah thanks, for reading, liking and commenting. much love. wishing you a happy new year.
Hullooo! I’m wondering if you have any Tae fics in your queue? 👀 I’ve always been a JK girly but Tae has been bias wrecking me lately with all the new pics of him looking all buff lmao 🥵
in my queue? yes, but thats not getting uploaded anytime soon soo...
fuck it lets see military tae!!
stress relief
while sergeant kim taehyung is deployed for the holidays, you’re hired to ease the stress sergeants such as him may face.
“You, my friend, need a break.” a fellow Sergeant says, holding the punching bag as Taehyung proceeds to lay blows upon it. “I think I have the solution.”
Kim Taehyung, ever since being promoted to Sergeant, felt as if stress continued to build onto an already made pile of stress. His body often worked on autopilot - even now. The act of working out prior to being in the military was something he just didn’t do. Now, it’s the only thing he relied on to get his mind off of a shit ton of work with his new found position.
“What are you talking about?” Taehyung responds, his eyes focusing on the punching bag alone as he continues to lay blows.
“Look at you!” the Sergeant exclaims. “Bags under your eyes, muscles aching. Do you even know what day it is?”
Taehyung rolls his eyes. He halts his punches to finally look at the man behind the punching bag. He straightens his broad shoulders, glancing towards the mirror behind the man to look at himself. He recalls the way his mother told him that he looked so much like his father in his youth when he had time to visit her.
Taehyung makes his way towards the bench press, his fellow Sergeant following after him. The military gym is quiet around this time, only a few people inside working out with headphones in.
Taehyung lays down onto the leather bench and with bandaged hands, grabs onto the metal bar. The Sergeant stands behind him, assisting in lifting the bar before letting go and allowing Taehyung to do the rest.
“You’re single, right?” he asked, mentally counting how many times Taehyung lifts and lowers the bar. “I never see a woman around you nor do you mention anyone.”
“Why does that matter?” Taehyung questions. He continues to push the bar upwards then back towards his chest. He tries to focus on counting how many he was doing, but it’s pointless if he’s going to continue to talk.
“It matters because that could be the reason why you’re stressed.”
Taehyung doesn’t speak for a moment, continuing to lift the weights instead. There was no doubt that he was stressed. His workload increased when he was promoted to Sergeant. When he slept, it felt as though he was only resting his eyes before he had to get up early and start it over again.
That, and Taehyung was horny. There was only so much working out he could do to get his mind off of the fact that he was tired of using his hands to cum. He was also tired of forcing himself to bathe in cold showers to not only wake him up, but to get rid of the erection he woke up to every morning.
“How about you at least get a massage?” he suggests. It’s been nearly 10 minutes of silence before he finally speaks up again. “Get those kinks in your neck worked out.”
Taehyung pushes the bar up for the Sergant to take. When he does, he scoots off of the bench press and lets out a sigh.
“Is that what you do?” Taehyung asks. “Get…massages?”
He nods. “All the time. They’re good with their hands.” he says. “Here,” he proceeds to go through his sweat pockets and pull out a small business-like card. Taehyung could scoff at how serious he was. “take this.”
“Is this legal?” Taehyung couldn’t help but ask. He isn’t sure if paying for sex was something he wanted to do, either. It’s not that he judged these women - it was a job nonetheless. There wouldn’t be a business if men weren’t paying for it. Yet he’s never done anything like this before. Was this even ethical?
“Getting massages are legal, yes.” he nods his head, widening his eyes a bit. “You just go in, give them this card, then you’ll choose who gives you a massage. What’s the big deal?”
Hesitantly, Taehyung grasps onto the card. It’s simple and only printed on it was a QR code. He glances up at the Sergeant and raises a brow.
“Or…Scan it. It’s all digital, too.” he murmurs with a shrug of his shoulders. “We have the weekend off, you know. You should appreciate it.”
Taehyung finds all of this to be overwhelming. He felt as if he was partaking in some sort of trafficking scheme, but even that thought doesn’t stop his curiosity. He scans the code after dinner to find that the site was legitimate. There were thousands of pictures and videos of said massages and even rankings and reviews.
Taehyung had gone down a rabbit hole of women who he could book a massage with. He’s interested when he finds that nearly all were licensed masseuses, along with pictures of each person and a brief description.
What Taehyung didn't expect was for him to take as much time as he did on the site. There were videos of the massages the girls did - they were good with their hands. The way their fingers work through kinks and muscles in deep circular motions - that's exactly what Taehyung needed.
Taehyung was adamant . He would only get a massage - no sex. That wasn’t ethical at all, he thinks. But he was willing to pay whatever if he could get a decent massage to work out the tension in his back.
Only a massage.
It was a week later when Taehyung had decided to book a “consultation” - whatever that meant. It’s how he found himself in a cool-filled office with a woman on the other side of a desk. She’s chewing gum quietly as she goes through his application and paperwork - because of course it was required he do this for a massage.
“So what exactly brings you to us?” the woman asks, fixing her glasses as she peers up at him.
“Just a massage.” Taehyung responds with a thin-lipped smile. He gulps, his adams-apple bobbing up and down. “Got a kink in my neck…”
The woman blinks. “Okay.” she says slowly. “Is that…all?”
Taehyung swallows once more and only nods.
The woman blinks again. “Okay.” The way she speaks, it comes off more as a question than anything else. “Um, have you found a masseuse on our site? If not, we can recommend some to you.”
She places his paperwork down onto her desk and turns towards her computer. “If you’d rather look yourself, you can fill out this quick survey and-“
“You guys can choose whoever.”
Taehyung doesn’t want to seem rude. He was only here for a massage. There isn’t a point in looking further for a woman who would match his needs elsewhere because that isn’t what he was here for.
“Right…” the woman trails off. “How did you find out about us?”
Taehyung furrows a single brow. “A friend.” he deadpans. Maybe his hesitancy has the woman weary. He doesn’t want to say - “I promise I’m not a serial killer” because wouldn’t that be what a serial killer said?
“A friend?” the woman presses.
“A fellow Sergeant.”
The woman’s eyes widened a bit. She looks down onto the paperwork and scans it. “Fellow Sergeant? I wasn’t aware you were-“
“I was promoted recently.”
The woman nods her head. “My apologies.” she says, her demeanor changing to one that he couldn’t understand. He wasn’t offended in the slightest. “Our services are free for those in the military.”
“F-Free?”
Taehyung shakes his head.
“I’m willing to pay-“
“No need!” the woman shakes her head and raises a hand to silence him. “You and anyone else a part of the military are always welcomed here. For massages and…other stress relievers.”
Taehyung inhales deeply. This wasn’t something he’s heard about before - then again, he was never interested in being a part of “military men” talk. He didn’t wish to hear about the amount of girls they’ve gone through and what they were allowed to do to them. He himself had a sister, and the way they spoke about women at times was off-putting.
But even Taehyung had needs and dirty thoughts that he repressed and often left to himself.
“Would you like a massage now?” the woman begins to organize the paperwork, offering Taehyung a small grin. “If you’d like, we can have whoever of your liking to meet you at the base.”
Taehyung parts his lips a bit, unsure of how to respond. Did he want anyone coming to the base and risk being caught? Granted, it wasn’t as if he wasn't allowed to have someone - all Sergeants did. He just didn’t want to be the new gossip if anyone found out.
“I…I suppose.” Taehyung’s shoulders falter, his cheeks growing a bit hot.
The woman smiles. “Good. You can go on the site once more and go through the masseuse’s. You can pick out the girl you’d like and the time you’d like her to be there.”
This was happening way too fast.
“Since you’re only interested in a massage, you can go through many options of massages we offer. Deep tissue is my favorite!”
Taehyung hadn’t realized he was preparing for you to go until he’s pacing back and forth in his own bedroom. After completing his duties for the evening, he was off for the weekend. That meant he could do exactly what he planned on doing. He had gone through the site prior to taking a shower and decided on you.
Taehyung had begun to feel like he was preparing for much more than just a simple massage. He had scrubbed his skin until it was flushed red, brushed his teeth and even styled his hair. He told himself it was because he didn’t want to be a filthy military man that’s been out and about all day.
Taehyung’s phone rings on his desk. It’s a notification - one he’s been waiting for. He takes a deep breath, unsure why he’s acting as nervous as he was. He’s had a massage before. If anything, he was acting like he’s never been around the opposite sex before.
You were here, Taehyung witnessed the message you sent him. He meets you at the gates and gets you signed in. The guards don’t blink an eye at him or you, but that doesn’t stop his cheeks from burning at the thought of them assuming you were here for ulterior motives.
“So,” you say just as you enter his private room -a perk for becoming a Sergeant. “I see you’ve booked for a deep tissue massage. However, I do recommend other massages, as well, seeing as you are a part of the Military."
You’ve never been on a base before, but you’ve heard about it from other masseuses. You’ve even surprised yourself that you managed to get yourself on one - with a Sargeant, at that.
“Massages like what?” Taehyung questions. He’s dressed relaxed, a pair of sweats and an oversized shirt.
You place your bag on Taehyung’s desk, scanning your eyes around the room. It’s simple, bed in the corner, desk opposite of the bed, a door where you assume is either a bathroom or closet. Besides the bed is a small side table. You had to remember that he was a military man and barely spent any time in his room unless it was to sleep.
“Swedish massage and possibly a sports massage.”
Taehyung nods his head slightly. “Whatever you prefer.” he murmurs, a slight dust of pink on his cheeks. “I don’t want to keep you here all evening…”
You offer a curt smile Taehyung’s way. He’s cute, you think, and obviously new to this. He only booked a message and not the full “stress relief” service - and you were also told that this was his first booking. “It’s alright. We prioritize those in the military, especially Sargeants and higher officials!”
Taehyung blinks a few times, watching you open your bag. You remove a few items - scented oils, candles and such. He isn’t sure what he’s expecting, but he finds it fascinating just how much you hold in your bag.
“You can get undressed,” you begin, taking out a white towel from the never ending bag and handing it to Taheyung. “and lay on your bed-”
“U-Undressed?” Taehyung stammers, widening his eyes.
“Yes.” you nod your head. You hold back the laughter you want to let out at the sight of his flustered face and wide eyes. “Don’t be worried, the towel will be covering the bottom half of you. I’ll turn around and you just let me know when you’re ready.”
Taehyung nods and just as you turn around, he has to tell himself that he needs to stop acting like a scared school boy. He’s had plenty of massages, just not one like this.
“Do you mind if I turn off the lights?” you ask, your back still turned as you continue to set your items along the desk. “I’ll turn on the candles, it adds a calmer atmosphere.”
Taehyung sheds his clothing, feeling a cool breeze flow through him. “Yeah, sure.” he responds. He wraps the towel around his waist and sits on his bed. “Do I lay on my stomach?”
You nod your head. “We’ll start with easing the tension on your back first. Are you ready?”
Taehyung does as he’s told, his cheek pressed firmly in his pillow. “Yeah.” he says softly.
You light your candles before turning off the lights. Taehyung’s nose captures the fresh eucalyptus scent that erupts around the room. The scent alone did calm his pathetic nerves and being in dim candle light would surely hide whatever embarrassment he’d have by being touched by you.
“Would you like for me to talk or do you prefer silence?” you ask. Your voice is closer than before and Taehyung knows that you’re right beside him. He hears a click sound followed by a warm substance on his back.
“You can speak, I don’t mind.”
“Good,” you hum. Your hands smooth the oil against his skin, rubbing it all around his back and up towards his neck. “Lavender is used to soothe and ease muscle pain.” you murmur, your voice lowering to a low and calm tone. “I’ll start with deep tissue first.”
Taehyung isn’t sure what deep tissue was, only that it was recommended to him and he blindly accepted. Your hands work around his back, digging into his skin in a way he’s never felt before that has him swallowing back a moan.
“You have a lot of knots in your back and neck, you must be working hard.” you say, easing your elbows and forearm around his muscles to ease the tension. Taehyung’s back flexes on impact, but you know by the way he softens that it’s working. “You must be stressed.”
Taehyung hums a response. He can feel the kinks in his back soothe with each passing dig of your elbow into his muscles. He lets out low, shallow breaths, his eyes slowly closing. Then, after about 15 minutes, you slow down. Your hands smooth up his spine so slowly until you reach his shoulders, gripping it slightly before letting go and sliding back down his spine once more.
“Swedish massage decreases the feeling of stress and anxiety.” you murmur. You only knew he was still awake by him adjusting himself.
“I don’t think anything can get that feeling off completely.” Taehyung mumbles back, his eyelids heavy. His body feels so at peace now compared to the harsh training he does on the daily. He ponders how many times military men book massages - every night seems excessive. But if it was free…
“When’s the last time you came?”
You ask the question so coolly that Taehyung nearly doesn’t catch the question. When it dawns on him, he swallows, suddenly your warm hands dipping lower and lower to his waist, his body growing stiff.
“W-What do you mean?”
You’re silent for a moment, instead focusing on circling your fingers into his muscles. Your lack of response only adds to Taehyung’s wandering mind. He didn’t want to go there or think about that, but now he does. He has to squeeze his eyes shut and imagine something else besides your soft hands all over his body.
“Turn around for me, please.”
Of course you weren’t meant to make things easier for him, Taehyung thinks. Slowly, he turns around, trying to not disturb the towel around his waist. He keeps his eyes closed still, his leg lightly shaking as he attempts to think about something - anything - else.
“So?”
Your damp hands place themselves onto his neck, your thumb rubbing circles right in the nape of it. His nose captures the lavender smell more clearer now that you’re closer to him. He lets out a sigh through his nose.
“When was the last time you came?” you repeat the question. “The paper work you filled out stated that you were single and this is your first massage.
The room, that once was refreshingly cool, now begins to grow flush. He swallows, his lips parting to answer, but Taehyung finds the answer to be far too embarrassing.
“How about…” one hand dips into his hair. It’s longer as he hasn’t gotten around cutting it just yet. Your fingers massage his scalp while the hand on his neck continues to rub soothing circles. “...when was the last time someone else made you cum?”
And there it was. Taehyung squeezes his eyes tighter. He thinks about the time during basic training he had run so much that he had vomited all over himself, but it didn't work in his favor. Still, he feels his cock hardened beneath the white towel and all he could hope was that the room was dim enough for you to not notice.
“That long?” you giggle above him. “All that pent up frustration is going to stress you out even further.”
“I know.”
Taehyung’s cheek warms further at the sound of his own voice. He whimpered.
You find Taehyung’s nervousness cute.
“I can help you if you’d like.” you lower yourself to his face. You continue to caress his scalp, rubbing it so soft and soothingly that he cannot believe you’re talking about making him cum, an act that's the opposite of your calm, soft words and caresses.
In the candlelight, Taehyung’s face illuminates just what he’s thinking. The tint in his cheeks and ears, the slight stutter in his voice when he spoke.
“I-I don’t want to trouble you.” Taehyung finally opens his eyes, his dark ones looking right at you. He gasps slowly.
“It’s not a bother at all.” you murmur. Your fingers circle lower and lower, from the nap of his neck to his collar bones. His chest is stiff and flexed when he feels your hand glide down, further teasing him with how slow you were being. “I want to.”
“You do?”
Taehyung feels foolish. Of course you do, you get paid for this. He ponders questioning if you get paid more for pleasuring him sexually - there’s no way you’d want to without that factor. But the more he thinks about it, the more his mind wanders into a darker place.
“You’re stressing yourself out even more.” you couldn't help but giggle. “How about you just sit back and relax. Let me take care of you, okay? Think of it as a trial period.”
You adjust yourself, this time getting onto the bed. Taehyung watches you settle between his legs, the towel never feeling as tight as it did now. His mind races and even now he’s screaming at himself to stop acting so pathetic. This was just like a casual hookup, nothing more.
“W-What are you going to do?” Taehyung questions. “To make me…cum?”
You offer a low grin. In the flickering light, it appears so sinisterly innocent. It’s in that moment that Taehyung understands that there wasn’t a possible way you could ever cause him to relax. Not truly, not when just the sight of you alone causes his heart to jolt. His eyes watch you unblinking as your hands, still soft and coated in the aroma oil, gently tug at his towel. He tries not to focus on the way his cock springs out, humiliatingly hard.
If you’re surprised by how hard Taehyung is, you don’t react. Instead, your eyes focus on his cock. Veins wrap around it, the tip a rosy color that matches his cheeks, a bit of pre-cum leaking ever so slowly down the head.
“Hah,” Taehyung’s hand digs into his sheets, gripping it so tightly into his palms that he swears he’ll rip it apart if he isn’t cautious. Your hand grasps his cock firmly, not too tight, but enough to have his full attention.
You begin to stroke his cock, up and down at a steady pace. You were a natural masseuse and you knew just how to work your hand the right way.
Taehyung’s breathing hitches, his thighs trembling just a bit as you increase the speed, the oil acting as a lubricant that has his eyes fluttering. You flicker your eyes up to glance at the man, suppressing your own giggle. Military men were so strong, oftentimes stoic and full of muscles. And yet, they whimpered the most and melted into a puddle of their own desire right at your hands.
“Why don’t you talk to me?” you whisper, your voice only adding on to the pleasure. Your thumb brushes over his leaking tip, adding only a bit of a twist in your stroking just enough to send him over the edge, but not too much. “Tell me how I’m making you feel.”
“I feel so…so good.” Taehyung whimpers, groaning a bit louder. His eyes squeezed shut. “You’re making me feel so good.”
“You deserve to feel good, too.” you place a hand onto his thigh, the action causing him to jump. You notice just how much he does work out, his muscles flexing with each touch - each stroke.
“Doesn’t this feel better?”
“Y-yeah.” Taehyung pants. His stomach tightens and without thinking much, his hand captures your stroking one. It isn’t an indication to stop, however. He holds on to yours for comfort, his eyes flickering open a bit.
“You’re very pretty.”
Taehyung speaks so low that his compliment is nearly inaudible to your ears. His cheeks warm up, yet another pant falling from his lips. His eyes lower to the sight of your damp hands against his cock, stroking up and down faster and faster, the wet sounds of your hand sounding throughout the small, quiet room.
Your thighs clench together just a bit, your own body warming up. You swallow before parting your lips. “You must be close.” you tease. “You’re gonna cum all over my hand, aren’t you?”
The way you speak to him, a grown man - Sargeant - shouldn’t have turned him on the way that it does. Dare he say it’s what exactly sends him over the edge, spiraling into a puddle of pleasure right on his bed. His hand tightens around your stroking one, his thighs trembling and he’s panting even louder now.
Taehyung cums hard, cum spilling all over your hand just like you said he would. He’s stuttering a mountain of “fuck” and “shit”, his heart beating so fast that he swears it might explode similar to the way his cock has.
When it’s over and Taehyung can finally open his eyes, he finds that you’re watching him closely. You offer a soft smile when your eyes meet. “Do you feel better?” you ask him, a tone so cheery that he cannot fathom how devilishly seductive you once was.
“Are you sure you’re comfortable with this?” was a never ending question Taehyung had asked you.
It began once you agreed to remain with him over Christmas, a short break higher officials were given outside the base. It would be the first time he’d be home in over a year - away from the prying eyes of Military men who were positive you weren’t only visiting him for a massage.
Taehyung understood that after you’ve made him cum so hard by just a handjob that it was something he’d never be able to get out of his mind. It took him a week to book you again, and when he had - only for a simple massage - one look told you that he needed more than that.
That was months ago, you think, and ever since then you had been coming to Taehyung and him only, him assuring he booked you as fast as he could.
“I already told you I was, didn’t I?” you asked him, taking off your shoes at the front door. Taehyung’s home is clean and cozy, giving off a warm feeling. “Besides, you're off for a few days for Christmas. You should be relaxing.”
It was your idea, after all. At first, you told him while he was home for the holiday that you could visit him once or twice for a massage - and a stress reliever. It was Taehyung who stated that it would be easier for you to just stay with him; even if he had been balls deep inside of you (for the first time) when he said it. Once the high wore down, it was settled.
Another one of your many ideas - that Taehyung was positive was just another ploy to send him over the edge - was for him to not use his usual protection. All masseuses were on birth control, but the condoms were always a precaution. However, Taehyung is your only client.
That’s how you and he found yourself at the clinic to get further testing done just for extra measures - his idea to go outside and far from the base for extra privacy.
“I am relaxed." Taehyung responds coolly. And he looks the part, a light loose fitted shirt and pants. He’s wearing fuzzy socks - the hardwood floors too cold to go without. “It’s quiet here. I can sleep in as long as I want.” he lets out a satisfied sigh. “And you’re here with me…”
Taehyung trails it off, turning away before the awkwardness sets in as he realizes his words.
“Let me show you around.”
Taehyung’s home is spacious for one single person, you note, but it fits his personality. He’s shown you art pieces he’s collected over the years along with some of his own artwork he has displayed. You recall during one massage session where he claimed to enjoy music, especially jazz, and witnessing the array of different vinyls he had has you intrigued.
“What vibe are we feeling today for your first round of relaxation massage?” you wiggle your eyebrows at him, scanning through the vinyls. “I would be in a more festive mood if it was snowing.”
Taehyung has such large windows right behind his couch that could be showcasing a winter wonderland outside. You blame global warming for that.
“Massage already?” Taehyung snickers. “You spoil me too much. I haven’t had a kink in my neck in months.”
“I take my job seriously, ya know.” you grab one vinyl and inspect it. It’s only instrumental, but knowing Taehyung, it’s what puts him in his most relaxed state. “Besides, other things could be on your mind besides work.”
“There’s always a lot on my mind.” Taehyung nods his head in agreement. He watches you hold out a vinyl for him to take. “This is just instrumental. Saxophone, drums, trumpets and such.”
“I’m aware…” you trail off, but turn your eyes away to look back towards the other vinyls. “...but, let’s see what else you have.”
You weren’t a big jazz person as Taehyung was, so the first name that stuck out to you, you took. Taehyung eyes the vinyl and a smile stretches onto his lips.
“You can’t go wrong with Frank Sinatra.” you tell him.
“You’re right about that.”
You watch Taehyung stroll towards where his record player lays. It’s quiet for a few moments until you hear the music start up, a variety of different instruments playing all at once - piano, guitars and…trombones?
Taehyung turns around, still sporting that boxy grin. He’s swaying from side to side, stepping from one foot to the other. You couldn’t help but laugh at him. He then holds out his hand for you to take.
“I don’t dance.” you deadpan, but take his hand otherwise. He proceeds to pull you closer to him.
“Everyone dances.” Taehyung teases. “Just step to the beat…or just follow my lead.”
You attempt to do as Taehyung says, simply because he’s holding your hand in his own so tightly. It’s just you and him here and it shouldn’t matter if you look a fool - it’s what he wants. You were here to ease the stress; and if dancing to Frank Sinatra did that then…
You follow Taehyung’s lead, swaying your hips the best you could to follow the different instruments, the vocals flowing with them in sync. When Taehyung lifts your arm and proceeds to twirl you, you follow suit, laughing at how horrible such a simple task had gone - but the second time you’ve gotten it right.
“Lean back,” Taehyung says, pushing himself away from you so he could do the same. “Now twiiiirrl back in.”
“Why are you good at dancing?” you giggle between twirls, finding your way against Taehyung’s chest. “You’re full of surprises. Different from most military men I've been told about.”
“It’s more to me besides the military, sweet cheeks.” Taehyung holds you against him, still swaying to the music. “You’ll learn that the longer you stay here.”
Learn you did. After a few more embarrassing (on your end) dances with Taehyung, you and he sat and talked. He told you about his life before the military, about his family and upbringing and even about his dog. Learning that said dog wasn’t with him anymore had almost made you spiral, but you were here to make him relax, not the other way around.
Taehyung spoke about his travels, stating that Paris was one of his favorite places. You listened to it all with wide eyes and genuine curiosity.
“What about you?” Taehyung asks. Right about now, you’re laying on the couch, Taehyung between your legs and head right on your chest. Your hand is rubbing his head, fingers combing his hair. “How did you become a masseus?”
“How? Or why?” you snicker.
Taehyung hums against your chest.
“I suppose I needed the money. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life.” you answer truthfully. “My life wasn’t really as grand as yours thus far.” you joke.
“I’ll get better.” Taehyung quips. He doesn’t want to push you further in speaking about something it’s obvious you don’t want to. “You still have a lot of life to live. Where is somewhere you always wanted to go?”
“Hmmm,” you hum, Taehyung feeling the vibration in your chest. You continue to rack your fingers through his hair. “not sure. Somewhere with beautiful scenery.”
“Greece.” Taehyung quips. “We should go to Greece.”
“We?” you snicker.
Taehyung lifts his head from your chest. He looks at you, his eyes a bit clouded. He offers you a low smirk. “Yes,” he says, his eyes unblinking. “It’d help us relax.”
You feel Taehyung’s hands begin to slide underneath your shirt. Instantly, you calm into his touch. You hold his eye, but your thighs clench around him to hold him close. You can feel the way his cock is beginning to harden right at the center of your core.
“You smell like vanilla.” Taehyung murmurs, further lifting your shirt up until your stomach is revealed. “Such a sweet smell for a sweet person.”
You're the first to break eye contact by rolling your eyes due to the cheeky response. You allow Taehyung to remove your shirt, his large hands immediately cupping your covered breast. You aren’t sporting any sexual lingerie - you find that though Taehyung enjoyed it, it was only for a moment.
“I know you taste just as sweet, too.” Taehyung murmurs. “...just the thought of it…” he presses himself deeper against your clothed lower half and you can feel the twitch in his own pants.
“If you want a taste, that’s all you have to say.” you respond, batting your lashes at him.
Taehyung hums, this time coming closer to you. He presses his lips to yours softly, large hands finding their way behind your back. Your bra unclasps almost instantly, those same hands sliding up your arm and leaves a trail of goosebumps behind. The straps fall down your shoulders and soon, your bra is discarded somewhere on his living room floor. He engulfs your breast into his large hands entirely, kneading them with such passion.
You groan against Taehyung’s mouth, his tongue sliding along with yours in a heated kiss, all the way you can feel a throbbing pain right between your legs. The same one is felt by Taehyung himself, his cock twitching uncontrollably to feel your heated embrace around him.
Taehyung breaks the kiss to pepper wet kisses down your jaw towards your neck and then collarbone. His tongue pokes out to coat your skin with a possessive wet trail, dipping right between your breasts.
Your back arches as Taehyung squeezes the mound in his hands, thumbs rubbing over your hardened nipples, dark eyes flickering up to you for a reaction. You’re so responsive to him, an action he loves. He adores knowing that you like this just as much as he does - that it isn’t just a job for you.
“So pretty~”
Your cheeks burn. You bite the inside of your cheek, fluttering eyes watching the way Taehyung’s large hand takes possession of your breast, tugging your nipples between pinched fingers.
“Stop teasing me.”
Taehyung snickers, swiping a pink tongue over his lips. “You’re impatient.” he says. “In that case, I want you naked.”
Taehyung lets go of your breast and for a moment, you miss the warmth of his hands. They now tug at your pants, wasting no time sliding them down until you’re in your panties. They’re as simple as your bra was - gotten and gray, only Taehyung’s eyes lingers at the wet spot at the center of it.
“You’re already so wet, huh?” he snorts, flickering his eyes to you. “Come here.”
Taehyung leans back into his couch, motioning for you to sit in his lap. Your bottom lip juts outwards. “You’re fully clothed.”
“You want me naked?” Taehyung tilts his head, lip twitching upwards.
You crawl towards the man, your hands at the end of his shirt and, like he’s done with yours, you begin to lift it. There’s never a time in which you didn’t enjoy witnessing Taehyung’s body, sculptured beautifully due to his time in the military. His arms flex almost automatically, his chest rumbling with a chuckle as you discard his shirt.
“Pants next~” you murmur, your hands going to tug at his waist.
Taehyung assists in taking off his pants. He kicks them off, only sitting in his dark underwear, his thighs just as toned as his arms. Immediately, you swing your leg around to sit in his lap, your thighs on either side of his. His hands lay themselves on your thighs, slowly sliding its way up to your hips.
“This might be my favorite view of you.” Taehyung murmurs, just as slowly as his hands, his eyes take in every sinful look of you. Again, basic. No lingerie covering your body to hide the beauty underneath it. It’s what he prefers, honestly, just you and all your glory.
“I can tell.” you murmur back, adding more pressure against his hardened cock that’s right against your clothed clit. It twitches impatiently, wanting to spring free instead of being confined.
Large hands make their way up your sides. It causes you to shiver, rolling your neck as you rock your hips just a bit. You place your hands on his shoulders while his trickle up your back.
“Go ahead.”
Taehyung’s tone is husky. It tells you that he’s into it - all of it.
“I wanna watch you rub that pussy against my cock.” Taehyung swallows the lump in his throat. “You look so pretty right now.”
“That’ll just torture you.” you giggle, but you admit you do just that. Your clit is throbbing, but you decided to go along with the antagonizing grinding, rocking your hips and rubbing it against his cock further. “I’m supposed to be your stress relief.”
“I haven’t been stressed since you've been here.” Taehyung retorts. A hand is now against your ass, squeezing it in his palm to further encourage you. “So I’ll say you’re doing amazing.”
Taehyung could never leave his mouth off of you, especially not with how well you’re rolling your hips, rapidly increasing the speed by the minute. His tongue licks along your breast before suckling a nipple into his wet mouth. This was nothing but torture like you said, but he was loving every minute of it.
Your head throws itself back, your mouth opening to release several moans. There wasn’t a need to be quiet - not here. Your moans could echo off of his high ceilings without the risk of anyone hearing the two of you.
“You’re soaking my underwear.” Taehyung pops your nipple from his mouth to quickly capture the other one. Both hands slam against your ass now, guiding you to grind against his cock harder, his length wishing to be buried deep inside of those velvet walls instead.
Your hands trail up his shoulders to his neck, then to his hair. “Feels good,” you moan, fingers tangling into his hair. “your cock in me would feel better.”
“Not done with you yet.” Taehyung grunts against your chest.
You were unsure what that meant, but Taehyung is determined to show you. He isn’t shy in the way he handles you, a sudden display of strength that otherwise he keeps hidden. He turns you around, slamming your back against his chest. His left hand rides up from your waist, past your stomach and to your breast. He offers it a light squeeze prior to allowing it to rise towards your chin.
“I wanna feel you.” whispers Taehyung, nudging your chin towards him. “‘want you to make a mess all over me.” He captures your mouth messily, his tongue sliding into your willing one.
While Taehyung holds your chin, assuring you cannot move away from him, his free hand slithers its way between your legs. Your moans die down against his tongue, long fingers finding their way between your soaked panties to stroke at your dripping pussy.
Your back arches just a bit, Taehyung only holding onto you tighter. His fingers curl, sliding deep just enough to tease your clenching hole, before he brings it back to swirl menacing circles against your clit.
“I’m happy you agreed to come home with me.” Taehyung breaks the kiss, a trail of saliva that once connects your two lips snaps once he speaks. “I could finally do what I want with you without prying ears.”
Taehyung’s fingers slide into you with full force, knuckles deep. You gasp out, eyes widening for a mere moment before they flutter. He begins to pump, his eyes watching your face for every reaction.
Your pussy is squelching embarrassingly, showing Taehyung just how wet you were for him. Your pussy clamps tightly around his fingers, sucking him in. He curls them around your velvety walls,his palm rubbing against your clit for adding pleasure.
“I’ve wanted to have you like this since that first day…” Taehyung admits. You and he are comfortable now; better suited. He could admit to you those dirty fantasies he attempted to bury out of respect for you as his masseuse. “I tried to hide them, but then you wrapped those pretty little hands around my cock and I was done for.”
You’re whimpering, inside twisting and turning. Taehyung is more talkative than normal. Usually, he’d whimper and moan into your ear, speaking little. Now, his voice repeats over and over in your head as his fingers defile you, your needy pussy only wanting more and more from him.
“Am I being too rough with you, baby?” Taehyung taunts, a hungry moan in his voice that tells you everything about him. “I can’t help it. Having you alone with me now…” he trails off.
You’re dripping, arousal sliding down the curve of your ass. Your right hand is wrapped around Taehyung’s wrist, nails digging into his skin. If he feels it, he pretends not to. His hold on you is tight and it tells you that he has no intention of stopping until he wants to.
“...I blame that place for making me this way. So insatiable for a woman’s touch…”
Taehyung’s tongue slides across the nape of your neck.
“I-It’s okay~” you manage to choke out. “You can have me whatever way you want.”
And then you say things like that, Taehyung says, that has him mind short circuiting even further. He was a man, yes, and though you and he had sex before, he was holding back. He thought of plenty of ways he wanted to take you - especially with this new stamina and strength he’s gained in the last year.
“Fuck!” Taehyung hisses, removing his fingers from your soaked pussy.
Taehyung wastes no time in taking your words into consideration. Dare you say you enjoyed this new Taehyung, the man who didn’t have to worry about being quiet. The man who flings you around like a rag dog, now slamming your body against his (soft) coach, your back pressed firmly on it.
Taehyung positions himself between your legs, his cock at your entrance. He’s coating himself with your juices, dark hair in his eyes.
You swallow, a sudden mischievous jolt in your heart. “You don’t have to be courteous anymore. Just fuck me how you really want.”
The timbre in your words, the smirk on your lips.
Taehyung grunts. “You’d want that, huh?” He begins to thrust inside of you. So wet and warm - tight. “Don’t try to run away when it gets too much.”
Taehyung can feel that clench right around him when he speaks. You were so slutty, he thinks, enjoying every threat.
“Ah-”
You barely manage to contain yourself when Taehyung removes his cock just to thrust it back in, his hands hooked underneath your knees. He forces them nearly up to your shoulder, pumping his cock deep inside of your pussy.
Maybe you should have heeded Taehyung’s warning. His stamina was unmatched, his hips not faltering. His cock drills in and out of you with unmatched pace that you’re nearly sobbing in overstimulated pleasure, unsure of how much your pussy could truly take. Skin slapping sounds throughout the livingroom, along with the forgotten jazz music in the background.
“Ta-ae!” you gasp pathetically, your thighs quivering to shut him away, even if the pressure in your stomach bubbled.
“I feel that.” Taehyung hisses. He leans away enough and lets go of your legs. Instead of giving you the break you needed, he slams his hands on your hips. He lifts your bottom half up and continues his brutal pace. “You’re gonna cum, aren’t you? Already, ha.”
Your mouth falls open wide, your breast bouncing furiously along with his punishing thrusts. You’re trembling, unable to form true words on how amazing his cock felt right now in this new position. It’d be a lie to say it didn’t, your pussy squelches louder and louder, telling Taehyung himself your true feelings.
“D-Don’t…” your hands reach for nothing but land on the side of the couch to sink your nails into. “...stop. Don’t stop!”
Taehyung growls, eyes darting to your pussy leaving a creamy substance around his cock, to your bouncing breast, then to your fucked out face. “I’m not, baby. Just go ahead and let go for me.”
To be able to talk to you as dirty as he wants to. To fuck you as hard as he wants to - it was heavy.
“Such a pretty pussy all for me, baby. I knew you’d be the perfect little slut.”
You’re squeezing him tighter and tighter, eyes fluttering. There’s a pressure in your stomach that feels like a knot, growing larger and larger until you’re sobbing louder. “Fuck,” you gasp.
Taehyung pulls out right as you cum, slamming your legs apart and forcing his face between your legs. His tongue lays onto your clit, devouring the already sensitive bud. He bobs his head back and forth, tongue flickering from your clit to your hole, slurping and suckling.
You’re unable to take anymore, but Taehyung wasn’t going to stop until he forced enough orgasm out of you.
“‘gonna cum again!” you whimper, a hand tangled into his hair. Your hips rut against his devouring tongue, fully astonished with how truly insatiable he was - and how easy he has been going on you prior to all of this.
If you’d open your eyes, you’d see Taehyung right between your legs, buried deep. You’d see the way his eyes focus on your face, witnessing the subtle tears in the corner of your eyes. But you weren’t looking at him, you were far too busy grinding that pussy against his tongue as another orgasm bubbles over.
When you come, you’re trembling, your whole body covered in overstimulated goosebumps.
Taehyung finds you cute. Not cute enough to not fuck you again.
Your face is in the soft couch cushion when Taehyung flips you over, your back arches and ass up where it belongs.
“I don’t think I could ever get tired of fucking this sweet pussy of yours, baby.”
You’re supposed to be tired, Taehyung thinks, and you are no doubt. Yet, you still have enough energy to widen your legs just a bit for him.
Taehyung enters you hard, no need for preparing as you were sopping wet, thighs covered in your own arousal. The new position allows him to go deeper than before, hitting a sweet spot with each thrust that has you yelping like a fool.
“My pretty little slut is so wet for me. You’re taking me so good.”
“Did you think I couldn’t take it?”
It’s surprising you had any back talk in you, but Taehyung likes that. He likes your determination.
“Nah, I knew you could.” Taehyung laughs, slamming a hand against your ass that has you falling deeper in the couch, but he forces your ass up in the same position. “You’d always ask for me to go harder at the base, so I’m only giving you what you asked for.”
You bite your lip, but the embarrassing moan still slides through. You were going to cum again, the most you’ve had in one single session with Taehyung. You still had the rest of the week, but that thought alone still excites you to no end.
“After I cum,” you say, opening your eyes. It takes you a few moments to move your head enough to look at the man - a minor mistake. He’s covered in sweat, but the sight of him alone has you cumming right then and there, a gush of liquid pooling out of you. “shit.”
Taehyung snorts. “You’re so easy.”
“Put your dick in my mouth.”
“Wha-”
It was the distraction you needed to pull yourself away from Taehyung. You were a bit wobbly, your legs feeling like jelly, but you manage. Taehyung allows you to push him down against the couch so you can have your own turn between his legs.
“I’ll show you who’s really easy.” you say, ignoring the gush of arousal that pools out of you once more - you were going to have to take a serious shower after this - and grasp his cock. “You never last long in my mouth.”
Taehyung swallows - you weren’t wrong.
Your mouth captures the tip first, instantly suckling on the head as if your life depended on it. You taste yourself, the sinful act so lewd that it has you clenching your thighs together.
Taehyung is whimpering before you even take him fully into your mouth. His thighs tremble when you gurgle against him. Through lidded eyes, he watches the way your head bounces up and down, mouth capturing him hole in the right way.
“I don’t think you’re real sometimes.” Taehyung gasps, his left leg bouncing.
You pop the top from your mouth and instead twirl your tongue over it teasingly.
“You’re too good at this. Sometimes I think I might’ve fallen into a coma and dreamt of you.”
“You always say something cheesy when you’re about to cum.” you snort, wrapping a hand around his cock and proceeding to pump him, tongue slurping on his tip. “So easy.”
“Just for you~”
A warm substance fills your mouth like clockwork, knowing the man long enough to know just how predictable he was.
Taehyung’s head drops onto the couch with a heavy, slightly sleepy, sigh.
You wipe your mouth, you yourself falling besides the man. It’s silent. You’re both tired, sweaty and entirely fucked out to move.
“Let’s go to Greece.” says Taehyung randomly after nearly 20 minutes of silence. You’re laying against his chest, the jazz music continuing to play in the background.
“Huh?”
“I said let’s go to Greece.” Taehyung repeats nonchalantly. “Just for a day or two.”
“You say that as if it’s down the street.” you snort, lifting your head to look at him. “You’re so random.”
Taehyung hums. “Maybe I am.” he responds. “It should be snowing there. Don’t you want to be,” he lazily lifts a hand and does air quotations. “festive.”
You roll your eyes.
“Consider it a Christmas gift. A short trip to Greece. It’ll help me relax.” Taehyung adds a short smile to his lips. “Aren’t you here for that?”
You swallow and for a moment, contemplate it all. You stare at him for far too long that Taehyung ponders himself, questioning if this was something he should have brought up to you. He was known to be carefree at times, but did he cross a boundary-
“Fuck it, let’s go.” you say, and whatever worries Taehyung has is long forgotten.
Just thinking about sitting on the edge of the bed on your phone or something and jungkook walks out of your bathroom, with only a towel around is waist. All innocent and not paying attention to your hungry eyes that trace ever inch of his body, the way his damp skin glistens. your plams are itching to touch him but you don't instead just watch him as he gets ready. Timing him.
"Wait come here" You say before he can put his shirt on, and he does, and once he's between your legs your hands finally give up and teach his torso.
Your eyes analyse every atom of his skin, your breath and breathing straining from the man's beauty.
That's when you do it, you kiss his aba and whisper.
"You're so pretty jungkook." You say, trailing kisses on every part you can.
Jungkook looks down at you watching.
"Don't say that" He says blushing from your touch.
"But you are." You say still kissing him and hands now pulling him closer to you.
He tilts his head holding back moans from the way you kiss and lick on him. lower, lower then higher then lower again.
"Stop teasing me baby," he says his body contradicting.
And when you finally stop his hand's on the back on your head pulling you back into him and keeping you there.
"Do it again." He whimpers. Holding your head and looking at how your eyes beg to continue dirting him with your saliva and kisses
Therapy is not enough , i just need jungkook to bend me over his kitchen counter, pull me by my hair and whisper "behave and be a good girl for me, okay" has he pulls my panties to the side and all I can do is just lay their with my legs, cunt dripping cause of him and behave.
OR and listen to me closely.
He can make me ride him as he asks "Okay now tell me what's wrong"
Or
"Tell me what's hurting you, what's on your mind"
Or
"Who hurt my baby and caused her all these negative thoughts"
And all this as I'm riding him to the break of dawn and I just keep rumbling about my problems and he listens and coos as he tells me how strong and brave I am. "My baby is so strong and brave for being able to go through that " he then grunts as he pushes himself up inside.
And I just keep riding him and talking and he keeps listening and encouraging me until we both reach out highs.
Maybe some tears were shed during but he knows its just me letting shit off my chest.
And then he gives me cuddles because, "You were such a good girl and talked about your feelings" he kisses my forehead.
"Do you want ice cream" he asks and I nod to tired to speak.
synopsis: you're just a foolish girl with a dumb crush you're willing to do dumb things for.
university au
yandere Jungkook x fem reader
warning: horror?? but definitely some dark stuff. dumb choices. but not much really...
A/n: I don't know what this is, I just felt like it. and i kinda like it.
read under cut
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
The university campus is desolate before 7pm, mainly due to the murderer that people have been saying is around.
Three murders, two students and a tutor. The killer’s still out there, and yet classes go on like nothing happened.
Some say it’s a student or just a random person but you have no clue what to think. Honestly it doesn't matter, the person needs to be caught regardless.
But even though you say that you don't seem to be paying attention to the protocol put in place to protect students.
Maybe it’s because you’ve always had this stupid belief that nothing bad could really happen to you. Or rather that you aren’t that important to the universe for you to be the centre of attention.
So even though it’s 10pm you still walk confidently from the library to your dorm.
Your path is straight until you spot Jeon Jungkook. You know him, share a class with him.
You had a crush on him too. Never talked to him much but have always wanted to, he just seems so interesting.
So you approach him, sitting on the bench on his phone.
“Aren't you afraid to have your throat slashed?” You start and he laughs looking up at you.
“Aren't you?” he says putting his phone away to give you his full attention. Taking his invitation you sit down next to him and it's weird cause you finally realize how scared you were before. You like to pretend you’re cool with things and being alone but honestly you're terrified especially with all this going on.
“Never been much of anyone's choice so I’ll be fine.” You joke but Jungkook shakes his head.
“Don’t say that, I’m sure a serial killer could find you worthy.”
You both laugh. It's insane how comfortable you feel already.
You both let a comfortable silence fall before you finally ask. “Why’re you out so late?” He doesn't look like he’s doing much, just has his phone unlike others who would have a book bag or laptop with them.
He chuckles awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck for a second like he doesn’t know whether to tell you or not.
“My roommates have their girlfriends over, so you know how that goes.” He looks at you with a stare you can't help but blush under.
“Uh yeah, I get it.” You don't get it from your own experience but from what you hear others say. You’re lucky enough to have parents who can afford to get you the single-roomed dorm. And even though your parents told you not to you can't help but say. “I stay alone so I don't get it that much.” You say it not trying to brag.
Jungkook widens his eyes and smiles deeply. “Wow that's so nice. Lucky you.” He fist-bumps your shoulder making you giggle. “So tell me how does it feel to have a room to yourself must be so fun, you can be as loud as you want.” His eyes don’t leave yours. And while on you they analyze every detail of you. Book bag, laptop and late out at the library you must be very smart, or pretending.
You rub your face embarrassed. Who does he think you are, cause you are definitely not that.
“It’s actually very boring. I don't even bring anyone over.”
Jungkook lets out a sound letting you know that's a shame. “What do you do instead.” He won’t lie it’s fun talking to you. It’s not like he’s friends with his roommates. So he gets it, if he could he would be the same as you.
“Just watch movies and stuff.” Jungkook watches how you fiddle with your nail beds. “Do you like movies.”
His eyes meet yours.
He nods. “Very much.”
You smile. What do you say now, oh gosh. It’s getting late you should go home. But you’re having fun and you’re with Jungkook, you should be fine no one can approach you. You’ve seen him at the gym.
“Want to come to mine.” It leaves your mouth before you can think. Now you can't take it back, just justify it so you don't seem weird. “Cause I mean I’d feel guilty to leave you out in the cold.”
“You sure?”
You laugh. “Yeah you can wait in my room.”
“That’s kind of you.” Jungkook nods and immediately stands taking out his hand for you. “Lead the way.” He says with a smile.
Your dorm is small but big enough to contain a tiny bathroom, a kitchen area, single bed and desk area. So it's just like a tiny apartment. It’s definitely something to envy you for.
Soft light spills throughout the room once you snap the light on. Both you and Jungkook kick off your shoes and jackets by the door.
And while Jungkook inspects the place you move to plug in the kettle.
You’ve had classmates and friends over, this shouldn’t be anything new.
Even though Jungkook isn’t quite that. But you still know each other at least.
Jungkook sits on the edge of the bed both hands leaning on the mattress and you get to view his tattoos.
“What was your name again?” He asks and you’re shocked he doesn’t remember your name. Not a problem you just chuckle it off and say.
“YN” you say feeling a little embarrassed.
He nods promising to remember it.
“You’re very trusting YN.”
You laugh and walk over to him with a cup of tea. He takes it and sips. “I don't know.” You take a seat next to him and sip your own.
“Inviting a stranger into your place.”
“I mean you’re not a stranger we know each other from class.”
“Right?” He nods, he does remember you from class but you seem to know him more. But nonetheless you are a cool girl.
The room is filled with the sound of the movie you’re playing. You both sip your tea till you’re done. Jungkook offers to take them to the sink and you let him with a tiny thank you.
Nothing, he just doesn’t remember you it's fine, you have a better memory than most anyways so you can't blame him. Plus he has a way more interesting life so you assume he’s busy with a lot of stuff.
Drying his hands with a cloth he comes back to where you’re sat smiling about something.
“What?” You ask, smiling too.
“You’re not scared I could do something to you?”
You narrow your eyes and shake your head.
“You seem—” you hesitate, trying to explain why you would let him into your place. “—nice.”
That earns you a low chuckle and you can swear your ceiling light just flickered.
“I don't get that often.” He walks slowly to you, not wanting to sit down but tower over you.
“Really?” You question and he nods. “Well, you give off safe energy. Not like some of the guys here.”
“Safe energy,” he repeats under his breath, amusement flickering in his eyes.
Then, quieter, “That’s dangerous, you know.”
“What is?”
“Calling someone safe when you don’t really know them.” He strokes your cheek and you let him, fingers leaving a ghost touch where they reach. And it burns in a good way.
Him being so close you can smell the faint scent of his cologne hidden behind cedar and tar.
You’re not a fool honestly. You’ve had a crush on Jungkook for sometime now, so inviting him over you too honestly hoped for more.
“You seem trustworthy to me.” You look up at him as he brushes your jaw.
Silence. The sound from the tv turns into hums. Somewhere outside, a door slams. But you dont pay mind to it.
this choice determines how the story progresses so pick wisely. cause I have so many ways it can go, but I can't pick one cause I'm fine with any so it just depends on what you guys want to read.
synopsis: Struggling artist Jungkook, who wants to be the biggest pop star, faces a dilemma when you come into the picture pregnant with his child: ruin his life or ruin his life. Which does he pick?
idol Jungkook x pr assistant reader.
warning (1): pregnancy, mentions of miscarriage or pregnancy loss, degrading, mentions of sex. this story wrote itself so please don't be mad at me.😭 there is a lot of lawyer talk too, so if you don't like that I'm sorry. i don't think im accurately representing biology so dont take anything serious and do you own research
warning (2): this story does not reflect what I think of Jungkook or his music, I don't own Jungkook, his concept, music or anyone else and are merely using their names.
songs: maria by Justin Bieber, billie jean by Michael Jackson, the whole golden album by Jung kook but mainly, hate you, somebody, too sad to dance, shot glass of tears.
A/n (1): listening to hate you, somebody, too sad to dance, shot glass of tears, hits different for me, after writing this story.😭
A/n (2): I was a little out of it and tired when writing this, your girl has to been feeling well, but I hope you like it and don't find it boring.
wc: 4.4k words
[read under cut]
༻❁༺𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒆, 𝒂𝒎 𝑰 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏?༻❁༺
"What the hell are you even saying right now?” Your face scrunches in confusion and disgust. “What are you trying to insinuate?”
“Forget it.” Taehyung says, ready to start the car.
“No, I can't just forget it.” You laugh bitterly. “You’re either saying you want me to have a kid with Jungkook or you’re telling me something else, and with the way you've been acting of late I'm leaning closer to the second option.”
“The way I’ve been acting?” He stops and turns off the engine again. And when you nod, he scoffs. “It’s the way you’ve been acting. I’m just trying to protect my family.”
You roll your eyes. “Protect us from who, Tae? Jungkook’s no monster that he’s gonna rip Eunji’s head off.”
You trust Jungkook would never do that, but again, you trusted him before and—
Hands still on the wheel, not moving, Taehyung finally lets out, “It's you I'm worried about. I'm worried he’s gonna get in your head, you’ll fall for it, and... and, God knows what will happen.”
His confession shuts you up for a second. Is that what he’s all moody for around Jungkook? Why? You don't get it. Does he not trust you? Does he think you—
“I'm a grownup, Tae.” Is all you say, not wanting to defend the fact that someone could get in your head.
“Yeah, you are, so you can make a fucking decision and communicate it.”
You can't help but sense something else under his tone, so you ask, “What decision?” Cause what decisions are there to make?
You watch him silently with narrowed eyes, and you hate the strain you see on his face, like words are hard to produce. Or like he doesn't want to say it at all, or even face the possibility of the answer.
“What decision do I have to make?” You press again, already knowing where this is going.
He sucks in a breath and straightens his back. “Whether you want me or Jungkook.” You roll your eyes so far you might see the back of your head. What? What makes he think you’d want that? What? What the actual hell.
God, and now you’re crying.
“Fuck this, Tae.” Tears roll down your eyes. “I'm literally working myself every day so we can have a kid, and next thing you’re telling me you don't trust me.”
“I never said that.” He shakes his head, hating hearing you sniffle back tears.
“It's what you're telling me. Why the fuck would I want to get back with—”
“I literally saw you texting him, then you lied and said it was Sohee. Why the hell would you do that?” He snaps. “Why can't you just tell me?”
“Cause I know you’re gonna get mad if I bring Jungkook up.” You cuss under your breath, trying to catch a breath. You can only hope people in the car park can't hear you.
“I get mad when you keep shit from me.”
“I don't know what to fucking say to you right now.”
“Maybe say you’re not ready to be with me.” You turn your head, shocked but more upset. “We were fine before Jungkook came in, and you two have unresolved feelings, so...”
Okay that's it.
“Fuck off. I'm done talking to you.” You click your teeth and open the door to walk out.
“We have to go pick up Eunji.” He reminds you, but you ignore him, and all he can do is watch you walk off angry.
With no direction or sense of where you’re going, you just keep walking, anger leading your way.
Taehyung said his truth, and it may not have been discussed appropriately, but it's a topic that will hang over both your heads until you decide what you want.
Taehyung loves you and Eunji—only heaven knows how much he does. And in that love, he wants peace for you, and he knows damn well that having Jungkook that close to you will bring anything but peace.
-
“Where’s YN?” Jungkook asks when he only sees Taehyung at his door, no time for hellos. The man looks tired and over it; there doesn’t seem any room for anything other than picking up Eunji.
“She’s fine. Where’s Eunji?”
Jungkook doesn’t buy it. “Where’s YN?” he asks again, more worried, analysing the man’s deranged look even more.
This only serves to piss Taehyung off more. He doesn’t need to be here more than he should have; he hates being here. It smells of scams and lies.
“I said she's fine. Now give me Eunji.” He says more through clenched teeth, which makes neither man calm down.
“I just wanna make sure she's safe and that you haven’t dumped her body somewhe—” Jungkook’s interrupted by Taehyung’s hands on his collar.
“Fuck you. The only person capable of doing that is you, so don't you even dare insinuate I’d ever do something like that to her.” He growls, making Jungkook feel every ounce of anger and frustration he's feeling right now.
“Dada?”
Taehyung tucks his head; his heart shutters. Did she see this? Did she hear him? Fuck. And God, seeing that smirk on Jungkook’s face, he can't help but wonder if the fucker planned this.
He drops his hands and tries to calm down.
“Eunji, hi baby girl. Come on, let's go home.” Taehyung coos to her, but the little girl looks a little frightened, and he hates himself for it. Fuck.
“Eunji, come on, let's go.”
“Or you could just stay here and sleep in your room till Mommy comes.” jungkook suggests to her.
Taehyung side-eyes Jungkook, who’s got a wicked smirk on his face.
Not wanting to get angrier, he gives the little girl a choice. “Eunji, do you want to stay or come with me?” Taehyung asks.
And they both wait for an answer, which takes its time and requires a little more push to get.
“Stay.” She says simply, and Taehyung’s heart falls. But he's not about to go against her wish; plus, you say you trust him, so.
“Okay, fine. But Daddy will be here to pick you up tomorrow morning.”
The little girl nods and begins to fuss after she learns that Taehyung can't stay as well. But Jungkook's quick to picking her up, to Taehyung’s annoyance.
He doesn’t say much, feeling more defeated than ever tonight. It feels like his world’s falling apart, and he's just lost both his girls all to fucking Jungkook, who thinks he can just come in and take what he wants cause he’s made it.
He might just be using all this bullshit for PR and using Eunji too, just to make him look like the hero and like he truly cares. It's never really about what it seems with these people, and you don't seem to get that, even though you’ve worked with them. They will use and abuse everyone around them until they're bone-dry for their own sake.
God knows what he’s got up his sleeve.
-
Jungkook: Are you okay?
Jungkook: Are you safe?
You: I’m okay.
He doesn’t believe it; he can sense the sadness just through text.
Jungkook: I don't buy it.
Jungkook: Where are you? I can come pick you up.
You laugh when you see the text, already sensing him picking up his keys.
You: I'm actually on my way to yours. Can I stay the night?
You: Sorry to rush it on you.
Jungkook shakes his head like you can see it.
Jungkook: You don't ever have to ask. Come over whenever you want.
Hearing him say that just makes you feel sadder. About what exactly you're not sure.
Jungkook: It's good actually. I have Eunji, and we can have a little movie night.
It's exciting to him, but he doesn’t see the confusion on your face.
You: What? You still have her?
You: Did Tae not come over?
You know he would never, but seeing how mad he was, you're not shocked if he decided to just fuck it too. But no, he—
Jungkook: He did actually, but Eunji didn’t want to go with him.
Oh
Jungkook: She wants to with her real dad. Lmao😂
Jungkook: Should’ve seen his face; he was so mad.
You: That’s not funny, Jungkook.
He pauses, sensing your seriousness.
Jungkook: My bad.
You ignore him for now.
You: No movie night. She should be asleep.
Jungkook: Don’t be boring.
You: Don't be irresponsible.
Jungkook: Ouch.
-
“Eunji’s sleeping in her room for the first time, and you can take the other guest room or... mine.”
You roll your eyes and show him your ring before he gives you a shrug that says, “That doesn’t mean anything.”
“I think I can just sleep with Eunji so that she's not alone.” You say, eyeing the huge bed—a queen-sized bed for a 3-year-old. Really?
“Fine by me,” he says, and right before you can shut the door, he stops it. And his eyes and voice turn soft. “Is everything okay?”
“Jungkook,” you warn him not to ask further. But he doesn’t take it.
“You can tell me anything, you know, and I can help you.” He starts, causing you to look at him concerned. “If he’s not treating you well or hurting you.”
He tries to go on, but you cut him off. “He wouldn’t do that.”
“You never know with people, YN.”
You roll your eyes at the insinuation. It kind of angers you as well.
“Yeah, and I'm sure you would know that.” It comes out a little too aggressive.
Jungkook sighs. “I didn’t mean it like that,”
“Good night, Kook.” Is all you say before you slam the door and are left alone, with Eunji’s breathing to calm you.
What the hell is all this?
Not wanting to think much cause you know you’ll end up crying, you take a quick shower and change into some clothes you asked Jungkook for.
This is the first time you and Taehyung have argued so much. And it's the first time you’ve been apart, so you’re not sure whether you’re supposed to text him or not. And even then, what do you say? Do you just skip over it, or do you have to give him an answer—an answer which is not difficult, but for some reason has your mind churning and overworking itself.
But luckily, he’s done the hard part for you. But dear goodness, is it a floodgate.
Hubby💍: Are you okay?
Hubby💍: I'm assuming you're not coming home, so just let me know if you’re okay.
Hubby💍: Eunji didn’t want to come home with me. Now you too?
Hubby💍: Sohee told me you’re not with her, Jimin too. Where are you?
Hubby💍: YN, please answer me.
Hubby💍: Are you with Eunji?
You're only able to answer the last one though your eyes fill with tears; you can barely see the keyboard. What the hell are you doing? You miss him, and you want him to be here and hold you both as you sleep, but fuck. You're so upsetting he would think that and you kinda wanna punish him with absence, but you did that with jungkook and look where you are.
You: Yeah, I'm with her.
You know your reply is a little too late, but better late than never, right? But in some cases, it's better just to let things go.
If it's too late, it's too late.
In the morning, you decided to wake up a little earlier than usual, not wanting to seem a little too comfortable in his house. Eunji's still asleep, so you let her be. It's crazy how much she's been sleeping of late.
“What do you like for breakfast?” Jungkook asks, taking you by surprise.
He's an early bird or rarely sleeps, so it's not a shock that he's up right now.
“Anything.” You say, and he chuckles.
“I have so many options; just pick one.”
You enter his kitchen and eye everything you can, and damn, he’s right—it's like a whole grocery store in here, mainly filled with cereals, snacks, and then he opens his fridge to show you a whole new world.
“I could use a freaking martini right now.” You say jokingly, but he takes it very seriously. “I'm joking.” You say when you see him head to the liquor cabinet.
“I can't drink right now.”
Jungkook just laughs. “Maybe just pancakes then, something Eunji can have too.”
There’s a silence as you watch Jungkook prep the stuff. You offered to help, but he declined, saying you were a guest, and so you’re forced to sit on the counter and watch him.
“What did the doctor say?”
You cringe at the memory. And suddenly, you're getting flashbacks of yesterday. You should text Taehyung to see if he's alright.
“They just said something about my immune system mistaking sperm for bacteria, making it hard to get pregnant.”
Jungkook hums but not getting it still, so he asks, “Mine too?”
God, this is awkward. Should you be talking about this? He doesn’t even need to know. Fuck. You shake your head, but the movement is too light for him to register it as an answer.
“No. They said I was more compatible with you, or someone with the same make-up as you.”
Now that catches him and causes him to pause over the stove and look at you. You can't really tell what that look in his eyes means, but it doesn’t seem like anything you want to reciprocate.
“Look, Kook, it was just for curiosities' sake; it doesn’t—” You’re cut off by him standing in front of you, too close, too invasive. You should move, but he's blocking your way.
And in a whisper, like he's about to tell you a secret, he says, “If you need my help with anything, I'm always here.”
You almost want to laugh—not this again.
“It’s not like that. We don't need your help.” You push past him, getting off the counter and going to flip the pancake he left unattended. You hate just sitting around.
“Honestly, I don't want to talk about it.” You just got into a fight with Taehyung over this; you don't want to get into it again with anyone else, lest they accuse you of the same thing.
“I'm here for you. I hope you know that, though.”
You just hum.
-
“I was thinking we could spend the day together, you know.” Jungkook starts, watching you try to get Eunji to eat instead of eating.
“Huh?”
He feels himself stammer a bit, embarrassed to say. “Like spend the day together, you know, like a family.”
He looks to genuinely excited by the idea, but... “Family?...”
“I know, I know. I just mean we can spend it normal, you know. Have fun and nothing on our minds.” He rumbles on. “Huh, Eunji, don't you want to go to the park, and then we can go to the playground.”
You roll your eyes at how he's getting her excited, which will make it harder for you to say no. “You say that like it's easy.” You say, taking a piece of your own food.
“What?”
“You're a fucking superstar with people on your tail every second. Do you really think we can have a normal day and nothing will come out of it?”
He cusses internally. He literally forgets that sometimes. Fuck, he really hates this life sometimes. It's one thing that the media and fans are already talking about how he's been inactive and suspecting he's spending time with his daughter, and how they're calling him names and stuff, it would only cause a fire if he stepped out in public with you especially.
But he still wants to have a fun day with you guys, so maybe something else. He has a backyard.
“I can install a playground in the backyard, and by tomorrow it could be done.”
You scoff, laughing. “A whole playground, like swings and shit in 24 hours.” You laugh. You know he has the space for it, but can he really build a whole playground?
“Yeah, I can. Money, darling. Money can do a lot.”
You brush it off. You hate how he just throws money around nowadays. Just goes to show how different you both are now in terms of life.
“It's not necessary. We won't be staying long anyways.”
Jungkook nods, but he's not willing to let it go so easily. “But you'll stay for lunch, right? I wanna cook you guys something.”
You do end up staying for lunch, and you won't lie—Jungkook’s a great cook. You never got to experience much of him back in the day, but now you kinda get why you were so drawn to him.
At the flash with calls and money, by lunch he has people around getting to work on the playground. It's kinda ridiculous when you think about it—how someone can have anything at the snap of their finger.
“Anything for my baby girl,” he says, picking up Eunji and throwing her into the air, her giggles filling the air.
You catch yourself smiling and immediately drop it, but not before Jungkook sees it. You clear your throat.
“Eunji and I should probably get going.” You say, lifting your elbows from the counter. “We need a change of clothes.”
“So you’re gonna come back?” Why the hell are both of them staring at you? Those doe eyes begging you, and knowing you can’t say no. It’ll be good for Jungkook if he spent one more day with her, right? Good for her too; let her get used to him, and then you can finally tell her.
Overwhelmed, you turn away from their gaze. “Can you guys stop looking at me?”
Jungkook giggles as he tickles Eunji to giggle as well. “Enni, are we making Mommy flustered?” They both giggle, and you can't help but tear up.
You appreciate Taehyung and the father he’s been; things couldn’t have been this easy without him. But you really do enjoy seeing Eunji with Jungkook—it's all you’ve ever wanted really. But still, something about it doesn’t fill your heart yet. Maybe it's cause you're denying it, or you’re just worried if you let him in, he’ll just vanish again.
You really hate how this is warming up to you already. Him and Eunji, his home. Fuck.
“Eunji, let's go.” You say, hoping he won't notice you aggressively wiping your eyes.
But unfortunately for you, Jungkook’s attentive.
“YN, you’re crying. What's wrong?” He asks, walking closer with Eunji on his hip. He reaches a hand out, but you move back slightly—not enough to keep him from bringing you into a hug. One that forces your face into his neck, and Eunji right in your vision.
Fuck. Why are you crying some more? Is your body shaking right now?
Jungkook holds you tighter, managing to make you feel fully engulfed, though his other arm has your daughter. You sob into his shirt, and he just holds, not sure what’s wrong, but not needing a reason.
Eunji watches you both confused, her own eyes tearing up naturally from seeing you cry. “Mama?” She whimpers, and now Jungkook has to coo and rock both of you—though Eunji isn't that hard to deal with.
He’s about to ask you what's wrong before you mumble into his shirt. “Why did you leave me, Kook?”
His heart shatters at hearing that. It's honestly the first time you’ve really broken down and shown him another side that isn’t anger about the situation.
“I really needed you.” You weep, trying to calm yourself to no avail.
His arm moves from your lower back to the nape of your neck and finally the back of your head.
He kisses into your hair, and in it he smells everything you both should’ve had and been. You should’ve been with him; you and Eunji should've been living here; he should've been marrying you; he should've been trying for a baby with you—fuck. But it's too fucking late. And honestly, would he have had all this to shower you with if he had chosen you back then? Maybe, who knows—not him for sure. Or maybe he should've just communicated more and told you about the song and promised it was nothing. He'll never forgive himself for that.
“I'm here now, YN. I'm here, I swear. I'm not going anywhere, okay?” He ends with looking at Eunji, who has no clue in the world what’s going on. “Fuck, YN, I regret everything I did. I should've been there.” All those things Taehyung got to experience—those were his. “But I'm here now, and I'll always be, okay? I swear. For you, for Eunji. I'll give you everything you need from me.”
His words help you calm. And when you finally look up at him, his eyes glossy too, you shake your head. “Eunji and I should get going.”
“Let me drive you.” He says, adjusting Eunji who’s now resting on his shoulder.
You shake your head, but he's not taking a no for an answer—he's not gonna let you get an Uber like he can't afford taking you around the world and more.
But you seem adamant, so he settles.
“Then let my driver take you.”
That seems like an easy compromise for you, so you agree.
-
Walking into your home, the air feels different, like it's been months since you’ve been here. But it's only been 1 night.
Maybe it's just the awkwardness of seeing Taehyung. Are you still upset with him? Do you want to talk to him? You're not sure. But either way, you're gonna have to see him, knowing he's probably back from work, and you saw his car outside. Maybe you'll decide on what to say when you do see him.
Putting Eunji in her room cause she fell asleep, you decided to go in your own and take a quick shower and a change of clothes. Your chest tenses up when your eyes immediately meet his. He's sat on the edge of the bed, only the pants you assume he went to work in and nothing at the top. He looks beaten, mentally at least. Like he's been thinking all night and only thinks more when he sees you.
He ignores that you're wearing Jungkook's clothes—it's the least he has to worry about. Still bugs him though that you even spent the night there.
You guess you'd made your decision: you aren’t gonna talk. So you both just exist together as you get dressed, but it's when you're done getting dressed and threaten to walk out the bedroom door that he speaks.
“I’m sorry.” He says almost as a whisper. And it's only when you turn that you find him right behind—what time did he stand? Or reach you? You look up at how his hair falls dead in front of his face.
If your hands weren’t so stiff right now, you’d run your fingers through it and tell him he needs to see the barber, but gosh, there's something about him just like this that gets you—rugged and torn and beaten and giving up.
“I fucked up last night. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Said what?” Is all you say, merciless, and your stomach flips at how he looks up at you as if asking for you to cut him some slack.
Taking down a big gulp of saliva, he says, “For doubting you, for telling you to be with Jungkook, for getting angry—for everything. I'm sorry, baby.”
You hate being in this position of judge and executioner, cause you do get him. It must hurt hearing that your best chances of having a baby is with your ex. Honestly, you don't like hearing it either. Doesn’t excuse him still.
“I’m really fucking sorry. Not having you and Eunji with me last night really messed me up. I thought I lost you both.”
He waits for you to say something, and honestly, you have nothing to say, so you say the first thing you discovered when you got home. It's something you want him to know.
“I got my period.” You say as you swallow hard. “Or another miscarriage—I can't tell at this point.” You laugh bitterly.
He hugs you immediately. Your arms wrap around him too and are warmed by his skin.
You both don't say anything for some seconds, knowing how this moment hurts and what it means.
“Its okay.” He muffles into your hair. “It's okay to get your period.” He says, knowing that nobody likes their period, but for you specifically, it's just a wicked reminder. You hug tighter, and gosh, are you crying again.
It must be your period—that's why you're all teary. You should've known.
“Look at me.” He pulls away to look at your face as he takes your cheeks between his palms. “It's okay. We don't need a baby right now, or ever. I just want you to be okay.”
His face is blurry, but you nod along anyway, just before saying, “But I wanna have a baby with you, Tae.”
“I know, I know. I want that too. But I care about your overall health more.”
He kisses your cheek, then your jaw, then your cheek again, temple, and finally forehead, where he stays longer. Eventually, you’re pulling his lips to yours.
“I love you, okay? I was insecure and an asshole, and I don't wanna be that. I just wanna be the best for you and Eunji.”
“You are.” Your arms rub his chest. “You haven’t lost us, Tae. She's just now getting closer to Jungkook, rightfully so.”
“I know.” Taehyung bites his inner lip. “No more fighting?”
“With Jungkook too.”
“If he's being an asshole, then—”
“Tae—”
“Fine, no fighting with Jungkook too.”
-
It's 2 days later, on a Sunday, and you’re at Jungkook’s place staring at his new backyard, and you’re shocked to see the playground done. It's nothing crazy—just swings, a slide, jungle bars. Everything even adults could play on.
You can't even begin to fathom.
“What do you think?” He asks you, grinning from ear to ear—it should scare you.
“Its... wow.” You say, eyes still on the thing and how fast he's built it.
“Great reaction.” He says, laughing, and you eye the hand he puts on your waist.
“Now it's time for the party.” He turns to head back into the house.
“Party?” You look at him confused. “What party?”
You guess that’s what the decorations were for. You thought it was just him being over the top.
What the hell is he even celebrating—oh, rich people just have parties cause they feel like it.
“But wait, who's gonna be there?”
༻❁༺𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒆, 𝒂𝒎 𝑰 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏?༻❁༺
So what do you think? I hope you liked it. let's chat about it 💬💬🥂
A/n: I hope this lived up to you guy's time, cause I did enjoy writing this. now i have to continue this until all the ideas i have are done, what have you guys done, it was supposed to be a oneshot. if you guys have any popstar story requests let me know.
im enjoying writing it though
If you didn't like it please don’t tell me, or don't be negative about it, this is the first time i've ever posted and worked on a fic since my burnout and i don't wanna go back there lol. So remember to be kind💞💕💓
ciao, see ya when i see ya
I hope you guys don't let this flop, cause I spent a lot much time and blood working on this. Anyways I appreciate you guys. Thanks.
Every positive like, reblog and comment is appreciated.
