well...

watch me talk to myself

[keiiafterhours]

love.

when my brain gets cloudy and the noises mix up, sometimes i couldn’t think very well. i get overstimulated, i get overwhelmed, i internally panic. when i do, i get very quiet, i sit and breathe until i’m able to sort my thoughts out. but sometimes i couldn’t, and there you are— you listen, you put the puzzles together, you pick my thoughts out from my brain and you sort them out for me, and you just say the right words— words that soothes my cloudy mind. it does feel like counting my heartbeat and you try to make yours beat as mine. it’s like you pause the world around us and suddenly it’s just the two of us, you holding me and waiting for me to calm down. it feels like when a rainy day finally reached its end and the water drops aren’t from the sky anymore but from the trees and roofs waiting for the sun to dry them up. you do that out of love, and it’s because love is not always rainbows and sunshine, not always giggles and butterflies— sometimes love could be felt stronger during the times i’m finding it hard to love myself and you were there. sometimes i cannot find the right words, you were still there to listen. sometimes i could see how much you love me even more when i get quite messy and you hold me tighter. in any case, every day, somehow whatever we do, love remains above all.

[solumsunn]

[keiiafterhours]

so, so grateful for all of our the good days and may we receive more good days ahead.

[keiiafterhours]

influencers and vloggers really need to stop making poverty-porn content, especially in the Philippines. while they’re earning thousands—or even more—from views, sponsorships, and engagement, the people featured in their videos are often sharing some of the most difficult moments of their lives for a few hundred or a few thousand pesos. so gross how often exploitation gets disguised as empathy. helping shouldn’t require turning other people’s hardship into entertainment or content. too many of these videos center the creator’s generosity while the person being “helped” loses their privacy, dignity, and sometimes even their right to say no without feeling pressured. if the goal is genuinely to help, then the focus should be on the person receiving support—not on creating a feel-good story that benefits the creator more than the community.

[keiiafterhours]

at some point in your life, you realize that the art of noticing is everything. noticing the people who pay attention when you’re not at your best. the ones who listen carefully, remember the little things, and learn the language of your heart. last night, in the middle of my overthinking, he quietly said things and it soothed my mind. and maybe that’s what love looks like sometimes—not in grand declarations, but in the gentle effort to understand and care.

[keiiafterhours]

to be loved is to be known. but to love—and to be loved—even through inconvenience is a different kind of love, one that takes a relationship to another level.

i do not mean that love itself is inconvenient. i mean the moments when life is. it’s when you barely have time, yet you still make time for the person you love. it’s when the timing is wrong, but you still offer reassurance. it’s when you’re in the middle of an argument, yet you choose kindness, and love remains greater than your frustration.

it’s when you’re struggling within yourself, carrying burdens no one else can see, but you still make sure your person knows they are loved. that kind of love is intentional. it is a choice made over and over again, even when circumstances make it difficult.

[keiiafterhours]

honestly, it felt like ice water had been poured all over me. it’s like picking out petals while murmuring he loves me, he loves me not all over again. the uneasiness, little heartbeats skipping as if something wants to crawl out from my skin. when will i ever forgive myself? repentance is not enough, universe is punishing me already by adding more and more into it and to my most honest statement: i am tired. it feels like every time i try to do better, or to be better, an obstacle is always presented to me. most of the time, i think being alone while building yourself up is better than be surrounded by people who would use your weakness to any advantage. i just wish kinder and better days are coming.. but i guess for now, i’ll take all the bad days i deserve.

[keiiafterhours]

god tell me how do i navigate these paths in my life when some of them got overlapped and tangled up together?

[keiiafterhours]

reposted this post earlier saying “life got so serious, i forgot i love writing” and maybe that’s what i’ve really forgotten to do lately. i forgot that i’m capable of putting the mess in my head into words and create writings that words seem to compliment one another, as if they weren’t so chaotic inside my head.

[keiiafterhours]

it is very important to have a partner who is not just nice, but a generous one, and i do not mean giving you money or things, but generous in terms of a lot of things. generous in giving you love, kindness, patience, and not limit them because they have so much to offer to you because if you are generous too in giving these, it is also important that you both are in the same boat. when you have them in your life, you will be blessed and be grateful you have them in your life.

[keiiafterhours]

you were right. i shouldn’t have felt offended when you posted that. you do deserve to find love again. a gentler one this time. you deserve to learn that softness in love so you wouldn’t feel like you have to hold onto it too much and live in a bubble of the past. your heart deserves peace and to rest without any worries. a love that feels like home. you deserve it, i did my best to give you my all, but it’s not it. it’s not enough. it won’t ever be.. but my love, i’m holding so much love i don’t think i could ever give, because this love was tarnished by guilt and shame and you do not deserve impurity in love.. so if one day you wake up and decided you couldn’t look me in the eyes anymore, i have no rights to stop you. i could only accept the fate and curse i have in my life. i would not stop you for choosing a life without a trace of us, as long as it will heal you and make your heart at ease.

[keiiafterhours]

being grateful 🍃

ever since the day i decided to live, i became calmer. calm in a way i focus on little things in my life than trying to see a bigger picture that could lead to overthinking and trigger my anxiety. calm in a way i take my time on whatever it is i’m doing and remind myself that “it is not an emergency” when i try to push and hurry myself into doing things. enjoy the progress, so you could look back and remember every step you’d taken, is what i tell myself. everyday i apologise to myself for trying to end it all, and i make it up to myself by loving me and appreciating myself without the feeling of guilt or in short, impostor syndrome. i often feel that i do not deserve good things, that some things are here because i just got lucky sometimes. i do try to shake it off. i do try accepting things that the universe handpicked just for me. i do make sure that i stay humble and that i sincerely be thankful and grateful for everything. i prayed for this life; a simple life, a love-centered family and friends, a job that i’m passionate about, side quests for my splurges, a healthier — yup— lifestyle, and for the peace of mind.

‘to live life for every tomorrow’ i love this phrase because it makes me appreciate life a little more and it reminds me not to take advantage of the great things in my life.

[keiiafterhours]

second life 🍃

i call my current life my second life, because the moment i decided to live, it felt like the universe brought me back to life. again. i call it my second life because i had died in many ways possible, heck i even ran out of reasons to live. why would i go on? i asked, for many times a day, for every day. why would i go on?

i did not know what happened, maybe it’s me, maybe it’s the therapy, maybe it’s the antidepressants, maybe it’s the people who did not give up on me.. but truly, it’s because i chose to. one day, i woke up and i had a handful of hope to try again. maybe this time i’ll only show up for myself, only then i could do it for others. we can’t love others if we don’t love ourselves, can we? i took a step forward.

there are many days where i thought i would give up and give back the life that lended to me. i call this my second life. i borrowed one again. maybe i will put everything i learned onto this life. did i get stronger? or am i just wrapping fear all over my skin? maybe. but i gave myself a chance before i totally ruin myself. i am forever sorry to me, for hurting my own skin to hurting my soul.

this is my second life, new life lessons are better to have than to get stuck blaming myself.

[keiiafterhours]

the fucking art of getting hurt and reclaiming yourself

it’s the way you accept the pain, live with it, hold it, and heal from it. anything or anyone who gets in the way of your healing is not worthy of that pause. getting hurt is hard because the pain engraves in you while the world continues to spin.. but, reclaiming yourself? it’s harder. you have no choice but to sit with the discomfort— the discomfort of building boundaries and putting yourself first before others. it’s harder because you have to choose you first.. is it worth it? hell yeah, it is. one day, you see half full glass. one day, you suddenly see brighter days. the routine you strictly straight up just so days become feels natural. not forced. pulling your energy back, little by little.

reclaiming one’s self is not a comeback. it’s not even a revenge. it is actually quieter than that. almost stubborn. and honestly? it feels weird because you lose the version of yourself that tolerated less than you deserved.

[keiiafterhours]

once you find peace in solitude, it becomes addictive.

[keiiafterhours]

i’m too empathetically sensitive to care too much, then carry that emotion for a whole day or two. i pampered myself too much that when i stress myself out, i want to crash out.

[keiiafterhours]

am i just protecting myself or did i become selfish? one of the things i tried to build for myself is the stability to prioritise myself especially in terms of my well being, i surround myself with friends who knows how to coexist with me and that never made me feel the need to put extra effort to be someone whom they need to like. they like me for who i am, they like me when i frown and go on my non-verbal days, they like me when i go crazy and make shitty jokes, they like me when my social battery ran out and they would just shrug it off and say “huh her battery’s dead” they like me even if i don’t share much of my life drama with them but they like me those most when i share some and they would even shed some tears with me.. but don’t throw me shades that i’m a shitty friend just because they do things for me, it may not much but i do simple things for them, i let them rant to me even though i have nothing else or much to say, i cheer them up in my own way of saying ‘hey i’m here’ even though i can’t say those words. i really became quieter but i know i mature much too, maybe i learned to listen more than to speak. sometimes i feel like i’m being selfish for not being too emotionally available for others but i guess it’s better to be honest about it than carrying things i can’t handle, like how i used to. i guess as i learn or realise things every day, bits of me changes too.