well... @keiiafterhours - Tumblr Blog

i saw a video of two girl besties in a photobooth where the bestie 1 took out her pregnancy test kit to show and bestie 2’s reaction where all taken and they were happy and crying. ONE THING I TOOK OUT FROM THE VIDEO is realizing that i do not have a deep, sister-like bestfriend. i have close friends, but i do not have that kind of friendship where we’re both so open and almost no secrets or not-knowing. no wonder i got used to enjoying things by myself.

well i did have 2 best friends in different timelines, first we were besties from 1st grade till high school then she found new friends and i was left behind. the 2nd besti, we were best friends from high school after the first bestie gone i found myself having a new friend, until college, but i had to cut her off because i grew up and she wasn’t. things happened and had many changes.

i have my best friends from college though but since we became adults, we have our own lives now and barely talk and oftentimes i have no update from them and no one reaches out when i stopped reaching out…

well anyway, the point is i do not have a girl bestfriend.

my sister (and my brother and bb) though, they’re the closest ones to a best friend to me. and i think they’re enough.

i lied. i love pulling out all my feminine side when i’m in love. i love it when someone do things for me even if i am fully capable of. i love getting flowers in a reason of just because. i’d love eye contacts when we talk. i love being take care of despite know how hyper-independent i am towards taking care of myself. i’d love to have that peace and the confidence in me being loved and not worry about other things because there won’t be any other. i lied because i grew up as the eldest daughter and i was raised being the one to take care of my younger siblings. i was the helper friend, i take care of people.. it’d be great if maybe someday i’ll be the one being taken cared of, like how i would do for people. for a change, i’d love to do less, to be less a giver than a taker. if one day i was offered to take how much love i could take, i would take it.. but it won’t mean that i’ll drain them, in fact, i think i’ll shower them too. it’s just, it’d be a lovely change if there is someone who would do lengths for me and they will be happy to do that for me. i think despite my impostor syndrome, i guess i deserve a love that is so gentle that i could rest down these walls. maybe i deserve love that is so peaceful that i sleep well at night and i won’t feel my nervous system so stiffed. i lied, i love love, and every little things in it.

being grateful 🍃

ever since the day i decided to live, i became calmer. calm in a way i focus on little things in my life than trying to see a bigger picture that could lead to overthinking and trigger my anxiety. calm in a way i take my time on whatever it is i’m doing and remind myself that “it is not an emergency” when i try to push and hurry myself into doing things. enjoy the progress, so you could look back and remember every step you’d taken, is what i tell myself. everyday i apologise to myself for trying to end it all, and i make it up to myself by loving me and appreciating myself without the feeling of guilt or in short, impostor syndrome. i often feel that i do not deserve good things, that some things are here because i just got lucky sometimes. i do try to shake it off. i do try accepting things that the universe handpicked just for me. i do make sure that i stay humble and that i sincerely be thankful and grateful for everything. i prayed for this life; a simple life, a love-centered family and friends, a job that i’m passionate about, side quests for my splurges, a healthier — yup— lifestyle, and for the peace of mind.

‘to live life for every tomorrow’ i love this phrase because it makes me appreciate life a little more and it reminds me not to take advantage of the great things in my life.

vexheart

The right love never makes you feel less

second life 🍃

i call my current life my second life, because the moment i decided to live, it felt like the universe brought me back to life. again. i call it my second life because i had died in many ways possible, heck i even ran out of reasons to live. why would i go on? i asked, for many times a day, for every day. why would i go on?

i did not know what happened, maybe it’s me, maybe it’s the therapy, maybe it’s the antidepressants, maybe it’s the people who did not give up on me.. but truly, it’s because i chose to. one day, i woke up and i had a handful of hope to try again. maybe this time i’ll only show up for myself, only then i could do it for others. we can’t love others if we don’t love ourselves, can we? i took a step forward.

there are many days where i thought i would give up and give back the life that lended to me. i call this my second life. i borrowed one again. maybe i will put everything i learned onto this life. did i get stronger? or am i just wrapping fear all over my skin? maybe. but i gave myself a chance before i totally ruin myself. i am forever sorry to me, for hurting my own skin to hurting my soul.

this is my second life, new life lessons are better to have than to get stuck blaming myself.

HELLO.

JUST DROPPING BY TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE SOMEBODY’S PRAYERS, SO DON’T YOU DARE BEG FOR LOVE.

BYE!

THE MORE I LOVE MYSELF THE MORE THINGS GET EXPENSIVE LIKE wdym my mind keeps whispering gurl deserve mo yung perfume na gusto mo worth 12kTHB at lahat ng shoes na gusto mo

hahahaha bruh stoppp di mo deserve 🥲

the fucking art of getting hurt and reclaiming yourself

it’s the way you accept the pain, live with it, hold it, and heal from it. anything or anyone who gets in the way of your healing is not worthy of that pause. getting hurt is hard because the pain engraves in you while the world continues to spin.. but, reclaiming yourself? it’s harder. you have no choice but to sit with the discomfort— the discomfort of building boundaries and putting yourself first before others. it’s harder because you have to choose you first.. is it worth it? hell yeah, it is. one day, you see half full glass. one day, you suddenly see brighter days. the routine you strictly straight up just so days become feels natural. not forced. pulling your energy back, little by little.

reclaiming one’s self is not a comeback. it’s not even a revenge. it is actually quieter than that. almost stubborn. and honestly? it feels weird because you lose the version of yourself that tolerated less than you deserved.

once you find peace in solitude, it becomes addictive.

i’m too empathetically sensitive to care too much, then carry that emotion for a whole day or two. i pampered myself too much that when i stress myself out, i want to crash out.

am i just protecting myself or did i become selfish? one of the things i tried to build for myself is the stability to prioritise myself especially in terms of my well being, i surround myself with friends who knows how to coexist with me and that never made me feel the need to put extra effort to be someone whom they need to like. they like me for who i am, they like me when i frown and go on my non-verbal days, they like me when i go crazy and make shitty jokes, they like me when my social battery ran out and they would just shrug it off and say “huh her battery’s dead” they like me even if i don’t share much of my life drama with them but they like me those most when i share some and they would even shed some tears with me.. but don’t throw me shades that i’m a shitty friend just because they do things for me, it may not much but i do simple things for them, i let them rant to me even though i have nothing else or much to say, i cheer them up in my own way of saying ‘hey i’m here’ even though i can’t say those words. i really became quieter but i know i mature much too, maybe i learned to listen more than to speak. sometimes i feel like i’m being selfish for not being too emotionally available for others but i guess it’s better to be honest about it than carrying things i can’t handle, like how i used to. i guess as i learn or realise things every day, bits of me changes too.

to be loved is to be known.

if there is one thing i anxiously care about is attachment. i seriously get attached so quick that i find myself holding back so i won’t show any attachment but deep inside, i’m just anxious to have the attachment that is one-sided, you know? i feel like at first i’m guarded and people try to cross to get closer but when they’ve crossed, they’re suddenly the ones would make me feel like i’m too attached, or becomes cold, or that the eagerness is gone because they’ve crossed the guards already and the attachment has been attached and that’s a shitty feeling because i hate it when it happens, so i would try to put them back outside the line and protect myself.

if you can’t see my mirrors, then i can’t see you.

i still long the feeling of embracing you.

today was hard. it was full of emotions i wasn’t ready to hold. today i felt lonely.. but i’m still breathing, i survive. i’m tired.

the older i get and the more i feel how peaceful my life is these days, i no longer look for anything to fill the void. when you find yourself getting through whatever life throws you, there’s nothing more powerful than that. you have yourself. everything else is just to add more than you already have.

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