Conversations with Keiko

[keikomonamie]

#6

Dear Keiko,

It’s been awhile. I don’t know why I decided to pick up my pen and write again. Perhaps, it’s a desperate cry to find some understanding, some perspective on everything- on work, on life, on me. 

I’ve lost it. I’ve lost my voice, I’ve lots the inspiration that once drove me to keep working. I’ve lost sight of my purpose. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is the light at all? 

It does seem strange, to be isolated in a sea of many people. And yet that is true. I find myself, unable to connect, and quite possibly, unable to feel anymore. When was the last time I had truly felt something? When was the last time I was truly moved; when was the last time I truly cared? 

Here I am trying, trying to claw out of the darkness, trying so hard to remember how to feel, beating myself till I stop running from pain.

Will I ever get out? This I do not know. 

Hope you are well.

x

noo.

[keikomonamie]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI)

Dear Keiko,

This is for when the going gets tough, and hope glimmers low. Remember that we have a great and almighty God named Jesus and that He loves you and I more than anything in this world.

x

noo

[keikomonamie]

#5

Dear Keiko,

Sorry I’ve been away for awhile; we have finally settled into London (I think) after a month or so. It has been an intriguing journey thus far.

Thoughts. I haven’t been thinking lately, or rather they haven’t been coherent and I haven’t been trying to make sense of them. 

I think it’s time though. To really start thinking about things, everything and anything. To wonder about; the universe, our very being, life and all of its curiousities, and hopefully, to find the ability to create.

Hope you are well.

With love,

noo.

[keikomonamie]

25th July 2015

Photo credits: Androids in Boots

[keikomonamie]

#4

Dear Keiko, 

We got our wedding pictures recently! Looking through the photographs & recounting memories of that weekend almost brings us back to tears. We really enjoyed ourselves, throughout this whole journey, & the wedding was the fruit of our labour- our first ‘big project’ together. We also watched with joy & laughter as our friends & families came together to help us in preparation of this day, & were able to eat drink & make merry in each other’s company. How blessed are we!

Now I bet you’re wondering how married life has been- many people have been asking me ever since! I guess I haven’t been able to really give a proper response, especially not over a few lines of texts. The first thing I would say is that married life is surprising. It is not what I had expected it to be. I’ve been thinking of this for a while, and wondering if I could find a word or a phrase to describe how I feel- a sense of discovery, a discovery of a new identity- Us. And with that comes a whole plethora of emotions-  a sense of shyness, or nervousness, a need to define, to assert this new identity. That can be a real struggle at times, particularly so because it seems so difficult to really be on our own- the presence of social media & mobile phones (sometimes it feels like there’s so many other people in the room with us, or that his mind is split into so many places (conversations), one of my pet peeves really). I can’t wait for us to go on our honeymoon & to move to London & to really just be on our own. That being said, it is also pleasurable & satisfying & fulfilling to discover each other & us together & I am enjoying the beginning of this journey. 

I am going to turn in now Keiko, shall save my thoughts for another day.

With love,

noo.

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Matthew 19: 4-6

[keikomonamie]

#3

Dear Keiko, It’s been a week & 2 days since we got married!!! Time literally flies faster after the wedding! Apologies for my absence; it was a mad rush right up till the wedding. The wedding was beautiful. Indeed, God made everything beautiful in His time. I couldn’t be more blessed for the amount of love and joy shared among my family, dear sisters & friends, & of course, WK. In some ways, the weekend did pass by in a blur; almost a surreal dream. And yet, there are moments of clarity that come back to me now & then that bring about a smile on my face, a little laughter, a warm fuzzy feeling inside. The wedding wasn’t perfect, but somehow, when it came down to it, the every detail we sought hard to perfect before the wedding didn’t seem to matter so much anymore. Although certain little things did make me smile (or cry). I can’t describe how much exactly I felt that Saturday morning, except to say that I woke up with butterflies in my tummy. When I was in the car with my dad waiting outside the church, I thought that I might just faint while walking down the aisle. The next thing I knew, we were standing right outside the church doors waiting to walk in. The first thing I saw was right there on the reception table, a little white greenhouse with mini succulents inside- I knew he had arranged that because he knew I had wanted that. (I’m starting to choke up already). And when the church doors opened- I couldn’t see him yet, but I saw the fairy lights hung above the aisle, and I just felt an overwhelming of his love & presence. I am marrying a man who knows me, who loves me, who cares for every detail about me! The moment I saw him- he was crying so hard that he turned around for a moment. I can’t put into words- it felt like I could feel the extent of the love we shared. That moment; I shall always remember & always cherish. Till the next time, with love, noo.

[keikomonamie]

#2

Dear Keiko,

I wanted to tell you about my fifties party dress that came in the mail yesterday. I was (still am) very excited about it, but we just got into a fight and I don’t want to ruin the hype of the dress so I shall tell you about it another time. 

We haven’t argued in a while, although we only started arguing when we started planning the wedding. I guess it’s a potentially highly stressful journey- wedding planning, and therefore in some ways, inevitable. Big decisions, a clash of cultures and a thousand other voices giving their opinions (both useful and not-so-useful), and that significant few that try to dictate how your wedding should be. 

Sometimes, there really is a need to shut the sounds out and to sit still and find your inner peace. For me, that’s where I go to God and pour out my frustrations and after the crying is done, I sit there and listen. 

I don’t think I’ve found that balance yet- the balance between doing what I want and love and what’s important to me, and also finding space for what’s important to others. There is no fine line I believe, and the ground is tricky tread upon. 

We were fighting over cards. Invitation cards. The need for having chinese invitation cards. It all does sound a little silly doesn’t it. And that’s the problem really, that personalised invitation cards matter to me, not cards printed in chinese. No actually, the problem is that different things matter to different people, and trying to please everyone while planning a wedding is impossible and not worth the time or energy to pursue, and yet it doesn’t seem right to completely disregard everyone else isn’t it.

Oh! Woes of a bride-to-be! 

It’s getting late and I shall turn in now, or perhaps try to work things out first.

Till the next time,

noo.

[keikomonamie]

#1

Dear Keiko,

It’s slightly over a month away to my wedding day! And the mixture of emotions that have been cumulating over the past few months are starting to catch up and wash over me. 

There has been so many thoughts, lessons, experiences, encounters with people; the good, the bad, the ugly, & the beautiful. Life is indeed interesting, and intriguing and filled with so many possibilities and colours.

Just thought I’d start sharing some with you. I think this is going to be a start of a beautiful friendship. :)

Nice to meet you,

noo.