interludes.

Hello lover. Welcome to my world and my heart. Where your feet can be lifted from the ground and you feel weightless. Where reality and fantasy collide and you don't have to know the difference. .get lost.

[kelainea]

Inspiration

Is it possible to sustain inspiration continuously?

Yes…and no.

I sometimes feel that my personal inspiration is fleeting. The feeling of being inspired comes and goes based on circumstance, environment and time of day. Some days, I surprise even myself with the lack of inspiration or even the fullness of it. 

Inspiration requires a constant pouring in of creative outlet - that might mean watching videos of other creatives, viewing their work online (just be cautious that you don’t do this for too long, otherwise you might become intimidated by their talent and with a SNAP!, your inspiration has left you because you don’t even feel worthy enough to try at ANYTHING), reading a book, listening to a song, praying for SOMETHING to happen - whatever it is that leaves you motivated and ready to take on the world. 

Is it realistic to believe that we can constantly surround ourselves with doses of creativity? Maybe. Find a quote or a verse that riles you up (within socially acceptable reason) and make it your lock screen photo - that way, every moment you check the passing time to see how much is left in the day, you’re reminded that there is something burning deep inside of you that HAS to come out or your head will explode. Write a word on your arm that holds your attention until you can escape the throngs of your workplace and delve into your silent creative space where you are all alone and you can allow your talents flow through your fingertips like a rushing river. What are some other ways you uphold your inspiration?

For someone like me, I struggle with staying motivated to do something long enough that my ideas fall to the wayside. Some days, I don’t feel talented enough, I don’t feel equipped enough, I feel like it’s “too much work,” and all those other excuses that leave me with nothing but a tube of mostly eaten cookie dough left on the counter…maybe I baked it, but maybe I didn’t. It doesn’t matter when you’re that down in the dumps without an ounce of inspiration.

So, when moments of inspiration DO come and I DO feel capable, then I HAVE TO GRAB IT! 

STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOIND AND GO DO THAT OTHER THING THAT BRINGS YOU BACK TO LIFE! 

You will thank yourself for it; you will feel doubly inspired for the next thing that comes to you and overall, I think your day will feel more like a success. Then, when that half eaten tube of cookie dough is left on the counter, you will feel happy about it because you’ve rewarded yourself with cookies instead of eating them in depressing despair. Good for you!

[kelainea]

Little Voice

As my mind dreams of three story homes in make-believe islands surrounded by the clearest waters and then costume parties where I forgot to wear a costume, or about one of my favorite actors coming to my school and teaching me math - I hear a tiny voice cut through my ridiculous dreams and awake me from a slumber.

At first, the little voice says, “Mama?” as if the voice were asking whether or not I am close by. A couple more times the voice asks the same question, “Mama? Maaaaama?” Once the little voice has established that I have to be somewhere near, the voice turns into a louder exclamation, “Maaaaaamaaaaa! Maaaaamaaaa!” And that’s my cue to go find that little voice.

I climb out of the bed, rub my eyes and check the time. 7:23am. Well, she didn’t sleep in today. Dang. I wonder if there was a noise that woke her up, but by this point, it doesn’t matter because she is awake. I slowly get myself up and I can still hear that little voice in the background, “Maaaaamaaaaa!” I smile to myself knowing that even though it’s earlier than I’d prefer, I truly can’t wait to see that little face.

I walk towards the door where that little voice waits, and I open it slowly and peek my head around like a game of hide-and-seek. When she sees me, she smiles. Then it’s a comforted response, “Mama.” She knows I am there. I walk towards her crib, smiling, and she begins to point things out in her room, always in what seems to be a question, “bird?”, “flower?”, “fluh-fly” (that’s butterfly for those who don’t know), “pen-gin?” (translation: penguin (her favorite stuffed animal), and then immediately she’s hungry. “Egg?” she asks hurriedly, “Oatmeal?” without missing a beat. I always laugh.

Then, she raises her arms up towards me when she has finished off her morning item list. “Up?” And how do I resist? I don’t. I scoop her up, crazy hair and all, and I draw her close to me. I love how she smells first thing in the morning. She has a scent I can’t even describe - it’s perfect. She returns the hug, and I melt. I kiss her chubby warm cheeks and brush her hair out of her eyes and then we look at each other.

As I enjoy that sweet moment looking at my little girl, it’s usually always returned with, “egg?”, or something resembling food, and that’s where our day begins.

I can always count on her little voice calling me in. I can always count on her tiny smile when she sees me peek out from behind the door and I can always count on that sweet, without any hesitation, hug from tiny arms. My morning counts on these things, no matter the time.

[kelainea]

I've spent much of my life chasing my dreams and imagining what my life would look like if I actually accomplished them in their fullness - and that's pretty much all that I've done; imagined.

Since I can remember, my own insecurities and doubts kept me from truly immersing myself in the things I am passionate about out of fear of failure or not measuring up to someone else. I've wasted so much time comparing myself to others, just hoping that I'd get better at something even though I wasn't doing anything to better myself. So lame.

I've also made excuses when it's come to avoiding my dreams - it costs too much money, I don't have the time, it's unrealistic, someone else is better at it, so why waste my time?

And now, I sit here, at 27 years old, still kind of waiting for life to start. Now, before you criticize my attitude or try to send words of encouragement over to me, there is much that I feel accomplished about.

I've been sent a wonderful life companion who loves to dream with me, I have the opportunity to be a mom to a sweet little girl, and my friend and I started our own business at the beginning of the year. These are all great things.

Even when I was young, one thing I dreamed about was being a stay-at-home mom. I pictured my future husband going off to work while I stayed at home all day taking care of our children, doing laundry (and knowing exactly how to perfectly fold a fitted sheet), making four-course meals by 6pm, and ensuring the cleanliness of every corner in our home. 

Then, I actually became a mom.

After the six weeks of of maternity leave after having my daughter, I started back at work. My work was completely able to be done from home, so I felt that I had it pretty good - and I still do feel that way. When my new job started, it went pretty well. My new little baby slept most of the day, so I had plenty of time to do laundry and also get my work done in a timely manner. Only a couple months into this new job, I was excited about how much time I had on my hands and thought I had the "mom" thing down pretty darn good. So, when my daughter was a couple months old, I pursued one of my dreams and allowed it to become a reality.

From about the time I was fifteen years old, I wanted to be a wedding coordinator. I don't know why, but something about the details of an event and the work of putting something like a wedding together intrigued me. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I jumped in with both feet. My friend and I made a website and started to put our name out on social media - I was finally accomplishing something I had always wanted to do even though the outcome was completely unknown. Without boring you with the details, our company is almost a year old, and I feel like we've been fairly successful. We've booked clients, cashed some checks, and made it through twelve hour wedding days. 

Now, I've set my imagination on the loose. Because of this event coordinating company, there are hundreds of other dreams I want to accomplish, I just don't know where to start. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the thought of putting energy into another opportunity and I give up before I've even begun. Sometimes I slink back into the lies that I'm not good enough, and sometimes the details of life fall in line first and the day seems too short.

One thing is for certain; I am terrified that I'll be 80 years old and I'll look back on my life and regret all of the things I could have done, but was too scared to do any of them. If I've been given gifts, why the heck would I just stow them away and never share them with others? I think knowing the outcome of a risk doesn't need to be worried about until you get there, so I want this new year to be all about "just going for it." I want fail and succeed, all the same.

Being a stay-at-home mom seems like a dream too small for me. I am so thankful to have the ability to be at home with my daughter to watch her grow and experience the world, but there are so many more layers to life that I want to uncover. This means I want to not only be a mom, but also a business owner, an entrepreneur, a creator, a teacher, a dreamer, an example to my daughter that dreams are meant to be caught. God gives us dreams to pursue, to follow after, to submerge ourselves into - I want her to know that this huge world has a place for her to do whatever it is she wants to do. I want to teach her that her dreams are worthwhile and if she isn't going to pursue them, who else will? She needs to know that she can dream forever, and she can make those dreams come true.

[kelainea]

so, I made a costume for comic-con. then someone amazing did a photoshoot. @lady_blue_photography #khaleesi #comiccon2014 #daenerystargaryen

[kelainea]

You Are My Sunshine

I am only nine months in to this "mom" thing - so in no way am I an expert. I still look up to the moms who have been doing this thing for more than ten years and somehow still function.

Three words come to mind when I think about parenting - teamwork, consistency and patience.

There is nothing more important than having your spouse be on your team. There have been tears and frustration throughout the last nine months that have been calmed by the willingness of my husband to step in and take over when I have simply hit a wall. On so many occasions, my husband has gently patted our daughter's soft little bottom so that she would drift off to sleep peacefully. Without his help, I would lose a lot more sleep and might lose my mind just a little bit.

I've read the mom forums and looked up information on every website that has to do with parenting and babies. Every single one talks about the importance of consistency in anything and everything you do as a parent - that definitely includes bedtime. If you are in the bouts of nap time and bedtime, about to come up to that point or you've lived through it - consistency is key. Getting my little one on a schedule was challenging at times and maybe even a little inconvenient. But, believe me, once we established the nap times and the bed time, life seemed to breathe easy again. This accomplishment felt the same as taking off your pants after a long day at work on putting on pajama bottoms - that is how good it feels.

Lastly, patience is the greatest virtue as a parent. I have, on many occasions, just closed my eyes while holding my baby who just won't go to bed and asked God for a little bit of patience. Most recently, our daughter started fighting her bed time. She was pretty much in bed and asleep by 7:30pm by the time she was two months old, but for the last two weeks, bedtime has become a two hour process. We've done all the same things - ate food, take a bath, nurse, read a book, sang a few verses of "You Are My Sunshine," and then we lay her down on her stomach. The only thing that has been different is the second she hits her mattress, she sits up and then proceeds to stand against the side of her crib and cry.

That cry eventually turns into a scream and then it is almost unbearable to hear her that upset that we go back up to rock her back to sleep. I rock her, my husband rocks her, we both sing, we talk to her, we are quiet, we pat her back, we rub her head, and we touch her feet - nothing seems to work. The second we set her back down, she was standing again, tears flowing. The only thing that seemed to work after 59 times of rocking her was to nurse her one more time, and then she was usually out. Of course, "everyone' says to avoid letting babies get used to being nursed in order to fall asleep, so I didn't want that to always be the solution. Another mom said to just go lay the baby back down - even if you have to do it over and over again - so that they get used to putting themselves to sleep. Everyone has an opinion, and I just prayed that the solution would come sooner than later - because I am exhausted.

And then tonight happened. My husband left today for a week to be a camp counselor with our 5th and 6th graders at church, and besides missing his company, I was dreading bedtime because I knew I would have to do it on my own and he wouldn't be around to take over when I just couldn't walk up the stairs another time. At 6:30pm, I put our sweet little girl in her Bumbo and fed her Chicken Noodle baby food. She covered herself with her dinner and chewed on her spoon, so I put her in the bath. She held her rubber ducky like she always does and I lathered her up and dried her off and put her in a new diaper and some clean pajamas. Next, I nursed her and then we read a story called, "Chick 'n Pug." Then it was time to lay her down. Everything seemed as it had been the last two weeks, when her head hit the mattress, she sat back up and then stood against the crib, I picked her up and laid her back down, patted her booty just a little bit, then I walked for the door. I heard her sit back up and I could hear her begin to cry. As defeat begin to cover my body, I walked back downstairs to enjoy 20 minutes to myself before I had to go back up and rock her back to sleep. I kept an eye on her monitor and watched as she whimpered and I just kept hoping she would just go to sleep. 

That's when it happened.

She laid herself down - and she feel asleep. The moment was as simple as that. She did it and it was only 7:30pm. Things may be different tomorrow night, but I can't tell you how accomplished I felt. I texted my husband right away, (I may have even cried a little), and I thanked God for a seemingly quiet and restful evening.

Parenthood, man. It's always the little things. 

[kelainea]

fabricated belt. #comiccon2014 #hotglue #drogon

[kelainea]

last minute comic-com costume assembly. #comiccon2014 #guesswho #ihaveadragon

[kelainea]

last minute comic-con costume assembly. #comiccon2014 #guesswho #ihaveadragon

[kelainea]

Mostly human.

As a wife, a mother and - oh ya, a perfectionist - I find myself often trapped within this triangle of chaos. Between the piles of laundry that mock me as I walk by, to the undone dishes drowning in the sink, sometimes I just feel like everything is out of control.

I will close my eyes and dream that all of those chores have been completed by a team of people dressed in black and white, complete with feather dusters. After they vacuum, iron, pay the bills and cook my dinner, they then massage my feet and write me a check for all the work they've done.

That's the moment when my eyes open again and my very specific mental task list begins to grow and I am quick to assume my husband knows EXACTLY what is on that list while I run around wondering why nothing is being accomplished by anyone else but me. I mutter phrases to myself - something along the lines of, "It would be great if I could get some help," or "wouldn't it be nice if someone else took care of all of this?," and blah blah blah. Sometimes I get mad at the messes that collect as if they had something to do with my demise and my whole body feels defeated at the end of the day when I know that my checklist is everything but checked. 

The thought of a new day is initially hopeful when I imagine the hours at home that can be spent meticulously cleaning the second story windows and detailing the corners of each bedroom. That hope is quickly shot down, however, when my 8 month old (who has just learned how to crawl) begins shoving random floor objects into her mouth and then I remember that I have to run to Target for a wedding gift while also making sure I return that call to someone who left me a message a week ago. And, POOF, another day has set it's sun, and I lay down in bed at night, laundry still cluttering my floor; and then I feel that I have failed.

Nobody expects me to be a super-mom except myself. As I am covered in crusty baby food and my hair flops into somewhat of a ponytail because I haven't washed it in about five days, the sweet words from my husband are this:

"Did you love our daughter today?"

And THAT is all that he expects from me. Dinner isn't on the table at six, his shirts aren't pressed for work, and I am hoping that our daughter didn't eat paper again, but I am given grace. Mountains of grace are poured over me every day when my husband walks through the door. Giving myself grace is still a work in progress as I learn to delegate my mental lists and also growing to understand that I am only one person and also mostly human.

I feel rewarded at the close of my day as I put my daughter in her crib. She has been fed, we have read her book about colors, I have kissed her sweet little cheeks too many times to count, I have changed her, and I have indeed loved her. As her eyes nod off, I can only smile and for a moment, I forget about the laundry, the dishes and the empty refrigerator, because my heart is full - and THAT is perfection.

[kelainea]

cupcakes from grandma. #wrenleyelaine #birthday #celebrate #cupcakes

[kelainea]

6 months today. she makes me laugh, she has taught me a new love, and if anyone tried to take her from me - I would kill them. #wrenleyelaine #unconditionallove #lookout #beauty

[kelainea]

Dear mom and dad.

I never TRULY understood how much I was and am loved by my parents until I had my own child. My time as a mother has not been long, but I have been given a glimpse of what sacrifice and unconditional love looks like, so this is ultimately a thank you to both of my parents.

Thank you, both of you, for being so willing to wake up at 1am, 3am, and 5am to comfort me, feed me, change me, hold me, or just watch me sleep. These are moments that I will never remember because I was so tiny, just as my daughter is now. But, those are moments you will never forget. You will never forget the way my chest moved up and down while I dreamed, or how my cries would ease as soon as you lifted me up and kissed my cheek, or the laughter that left my toothless mouth when you made funny faces and sounds. Though I will never remember those moments with you, I can relive those times with my own little girl - and now I get why waking up at crazy times sometimes isn't so bad. When I finally get into my bed at night, I hope that the little girl in her room next to me will sleep the whole night through, but the rest of me can't wait until her cries wake me from my sleep because that means time with her again. I get to wrap her in my own arms and kiss her warm cheek, I get to press my nose against her head and smell her, and I can sing her songs that will always be familiar to her for some reason as she grows older. She won't remember these moments with me when she becomes a teenager, but these moments are so precious to me. She will never TRULY understand why I love her or how I love her so much until she has her own children.

Until then, thank you, mom and dad, for loving me the way you did and the way that you still do. You have sacrificed and protected me in ways that I never saw until now. And I will do my best to do the same for my sweet daughter who I will fight for and love more than most things in this world until my last day on this earth.

[kelainea]

Bleak.

The spark of the match caught her attention as I kissed the wick with hot fire, but she did not look in my direction. Her eyes looked dark and the only light that brought life was that of the flame. The flickering of the candle danced across her face and I stared at her dry lips. Her lips had lost color, and they were etched with cracks from the heat of the day.

  Her fingernails had captured earth beneath them since she spent hours teaching her hands to learn her surroundings. She hunched in her chair and I could not tell what she was looking at – but I knew what she was thinking.

  She thought of the green grass that once lined her perfect garden.

  She thought of the nights that she would sink into a warm bath and close her eyes and imagine everything around her disappearing.

  She thought of the sheets that hugged her mattress and how cold they were as she slipped into bed.

  She thought of all the perfect feelings her fingertips could touch.

  She did not have to say a word, and I knew. My instinct was to reach out and touch her shoulder gently as not to startle her. But, I knew how content she must have been feeling to be lost in those thoughts and I dare not disturb them. Since my eyes had seen so much over the past year, I had almost forgotten what quiet looked like or felt like – or even sounded like. But she knew all too well.

  When the world turned dark, so did her eyes. The colors that would once ignite her interest were now only assumptions as she sat in the void. I watched as her sight vanished and she was only left with the senses that she wished had been the ones to be taken.

[kelainea]

Added to resumé:

Diaper Disposal Professional.

[kelainea]

tummy time. #wrenleyelaine @theayottes #spots #bows

[kelainea]

Dark.

Her breaths are astonishingly attractive to him, how seductive the sound of living can be. He knows he only has minutes before the sunlight will rise through her window and lick her eyelashes until she is aware. He watches her chest rise and fall as each of her perfect warm breaths exit her sweet lips and join the air that fills their room. Her cheeks are painted light pink and her skin is so inviting that he has to touch her. 

His touch is tragic.

The light felt cold upon the wind. Her breath became frozen and the light is no more. The lips he once kissed became stale in the air and he watches her as the life that once lived in her now leaves. Her chest is barren of air and his fingertips brush her cheek that is now absent of pink. She lays beautifully on the frigid ground, but there is nothing left to seduce him. He can only grasp the images that flutter through his mind too quickly to sort out. 

And there she rests.

[kelainea]

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