Let go. OR- maybe no.
Driving in my car today, on the way to another doctor appointment, a good deal of negative thought was raining down on me. I, naturally <insert HUGE eye roll>, did the right thing to remind myself, “let go.” Let go of the self doubt. Let go of insecurities. Let go of the fear. You get the idea, it was A LOT.
Within that moment <insert head tilt> a thought RUPTURED in my consciousness! Maybe that is all wrong. Maybe instead of “let go” I should consider welcoming those thoughts, meditating on them, embracing them and allowing the negative thoughts to reveal a purpose. I know, I know! You are saying “ummmm yeah. Didn’t you know that?!?!” Look M/rs. Snarky You, no, that had not occurred to me. First- I’m a hard learner, constantly the hard way. Second- I don’t know about you, but I’ve been sent a consistent, life long message of “push all negative thoughts away and replace with positive reinforcement.” And I’m not THAT old, little bit old. Oh never mind. Negative thoughts. lol Moving on....
Maybe it comes down to my not having enough positive stuff to crush the negative, but I have never really felt like the approach works. If I had another tool in the tool box, I think I may have utilized it. I have tried a few little tricks over the years, but nothing with lasting impact. So, instead of a full on “no” to letting go, I’m wondering if I can find a friend in acceptance? Which means I will have to invite her to the table. Acceptance has never been my bestie. Pretty sure I’ve told her to go fu@k her mother a thousand times. I don’t like her. I like control. This must tie in to an older/wiser thing. Dammit. The older I get the more I learn the less I know. Yup. The older I get the more I want to focus my energy on what is worthwhile, meaningful and wise. I guess that could leave space for things that don’t feel quite lovely or positive. I have had the most growth in my life during times of deep despair, loss, grief and tragedy; in every instance, another person was somewhere in that equation. This time, things don’t feel as obvious, internal dialogue is more subtle and there isn’t a clear crisis. There is only me.
o n l y me
So, today I just sit in the doubt, the ugliness, the apprehension, the fear and the sadness. I sit in the quiet looking for what they can reveal. Hoping to invite acceptance to join me. Cheers to growth (and wine, cheers! to wine).