footprints @kellibeannnn-blog - Tumblr Blog

Thoughts on thoughts.

These last few months have been some of the worst ones of my life. I lost three people who I thought were my friends and I ended up brokenhearted and alone. I'm not trying to sound like a lovesick puppy or something, but all of these things really happened and broke me. The angry blog post about my ex is not the only time I have felt angry and frustrated with him. I feel it everyday and it's not going to change for a while. The night of the break up, I could tell something was off. My mom had stopped by earlier in the day to grab some books for my younger sister and made him and I a lovely dinner for later. When he came over to eat, I knew he was bothered by something. I asked the routine questions, "Are you okay? Are we okay, babe? Do you still love me? What can I do to help?" When he looked at me to answer the questions, he simply stated, "I'm okay, we're okay, and I love you so much." I thought everything was normal since he helped clear the table, gave me a tight squeeze, kissed me and said "I love you." About four hours later, I was over the toilet, sobbing, puking, and I didn't know what to do. I was dumped; my worst nightmare. I sat and cried for hours because I found out for the past few months I was lied to. He didn't really love me anymore, but wanted to use me to have sex. Also, he was on Tinder multiple times giving girls his numbers and talked to them more than me. To this day, I don't understand why this happened to me. Life goes on, I know that, but when did honesty stop being a thing?

He lied. Not once, not twice, but about a million in one times. How does one simply stop caring about you after two years of dating? Simple. He leaves the country for two months, barely talks to you, and decides you're not worth it. Wow. Harsh right? Yes, it's all true. So why am I still talking about something that happened in February? I'm talking about it cause I am angry and frustrated. I am angry because I was betrayed by someone who supposedly loved me, left alone for four months, and I was left to handle this on my own. With the break up, the girls chose sides. Obviously, I lost. Living with the girls from there on out made it worse. They loved bringing him up, inviting him into our apartment, and making me feel uncomfortable and out of place. I didn't know what normal was anymore. Four months of pure torture, where I was depressed, angry, sad, and frustrated all the time with no one to turn to. Sure, I had friends outside of school, but no one I could confide in at school. I sit here now and think about those months I will never get back and get sad. How could four people take away so much from me? Simple; they micromanaged my life whether I wanted them to or not.

Today, I sit here angry and still hurt. Him and I tried to end the year positively. We went out for fro-yo as a graduation celebration and closure on my end. Since then, I haven't heard a word from him. He said the whole time, "I want to be friends with you. I can't picture my life without you." I was going to give it a few weeks since he just graduated, but still nothing a month later. Sucks doesn't it? I can't forgive him, not yet. My heart still aches in pain of the things that were done to me and it's not okay anymore. But you know what, I'm not allowing him to win. Even though he has the degree, he doesn't have me as a friend anymore. I am not going to sit around and waste my summer thinking about when he's going to reach out to me. I will drive myself crazy and honestly, I don't need any negativity in my life. I guess what I am trying to say is, I am ready to move away from what happened, despite being so angry. I am ready to slowly open my heart back up to someone who treats me with respect, love, and kindness. But most of all, I am ready to show him that I am better off without him. He'll forever be looking in the distance at the girl running away from him and that will be me.

One year ago.

One year ago today I was getting ready to go on my greatest adventure in life; to Cuenca, Ecuador. Everything fell apart within the first night of me being in Quito. That night is the one that caused me to get myself hospitalized and I didn't even know it. I ate a bad chicken Caesar salad and to this day I have not touched one. Yes I know, I sound insane by saying that, but just the smell of the dressing makes my stomach go in knots and brings me back to this day. I remember calling Reese and my parents on Skype this night crying my eyes out. I wanted to go home. I was so homesick from saying goodbye to everyone that I didn't think I could even survive in Ecuador for two whole months away. I guess I got what I wanted at the time, even though I was just having major culture shock. I remember waking up the next day thinking to myself "oh my stomach must hurt from crying and being so homesick." Before even eating ANYTHING I ran into the bathroom and got sick to my stomach. I just thought oh you know it might be because I'm so overwhelmed by everything. It wasn't, but I didn't know that. I ate breakfast with the rest of the group, talked with Cherie (our professor from my university), and told her I was completely fine. Fine was an understatement to say the least. My stomach was in knots, I thought I was going to vomit, and I had to sit through orientation about altitude sickness. I don't know if talking about vomiting is what made me sick but the next thing I knew I puked all over the floor next to our tour guide from CEDEI, Meliza, and ran to the bathroom. I had puked everywhere and all over myself. Cherie came rushing behind me while I was sobbing in the bathroom stall sick to my stomach. She thought so many different scenarios in her head of why I was sick. She thought the altitude, weather, or maybe actually having the flu. I spent the next three days puking my brains out and alone in a hotel room crying. By this point it had been maybe four or five days since being in Quito. I wanted to go home badly, but that wasn't an option. I would cry constantly to Reese and my mom about being so sick and miserable. It was because I was so lonely. When we finally left Quito, I somehow felt better. It might have been from the shot the doctor gave me for anti-nausea. Who knows. Even throughout my stay in the jungle, I was not sick and thought it was from the altitude. One night before arriving in Cuenca, my anxiety started acting up again. I was so nervous to meet my host family for the first time and start school. Never in my mind was I nervous to speak spanish or communicate with others. I think it was the shock of living in someone else's home that always got to me. The next day, I ate a delicious breakfast, but not much if it. My stomach was in knots and I just wanted a big hug from my mom. We hopped on the bus early in the morning and I fell asleep. I kept dreaming about meeting my host family and getting settled in. My feelings were mixed but I didn't want anything to go wrong. As we got closer and closer to Cuenca, I felt sick. This is when things got bad for me. I met my host mom and she was great, but the housing situation was not ideal for me. I didn't like the way the house was set up and not to mention my host sister just had a baby two days before I got there! Talk about insane, but I was ignored most of the night I got there. I told my host mom I thought I had the stomach flu, but she didn't really believe me. I talked to my actual mom on Skype and told her how I didn't feel right. She told me to just wait it out a day and see how I felt. Reese told me the same thing. They both just thought my anxiety was bad about starting school. That was partially true, but I really didn't feel right. The next morning was awful. I was throwing up again, my hands were swollen, I was paler than a ghost, my head was pounding like crazy, and I thought I was being stabbed in the summer. My first reaction was to call my mom on Skype. Well I got a hold of her and she decided to call my professor Cherie as soon as possible. My host mom walked in on me crying and I had to explain to her the whole previous week. She didn't believe that I was still sick until Cherie called me and told me she was coming to pick me up right away to go to the hospital. I didn't think much of it thinking I would come back that night, but I told my mom and Reese what was going on. I told them both how scared I was, but how much I love them and to say prayers for me. I also contacted my friend Christie who was studying abroad with me just to tell her what was going on. She told the other classmates for me so I wouldn't have to worry about it. I quickly gathered my things and left the host families house with Cherie and Dunia. Phase three was the absolute worse. I arrived at the hospital ER freaked out and crying. I was in so much pain that they decided to do an ultra sound. They thought oh maybe it's an ovarian cyst or my appendix. Neither seemed to be the problem so they kept me for observation over night. At this point I was freaked out. Dunia went back to my house and grabbed things to make me more comfortable while Cherie called all my classmates. They came and visited me! They prayed for me while I was so scared and crying. Honestly, I couldn't have asked for greater friends because I needed them in that moment. Over the span of a few days the doctors had no idea what I had. I was not allowed to eat or drink (except to take my medication) and had an IV in my arm. The doctor finally figured out what was wrong. Salmonella, my worst nightmare. And quests what from? You guessed it, that Caesar salad. I stayed in the hospital from Sunday to Thursday afternoon and was so ready to leave. By this time, I figured out I was going back to Chicago and would continue my semester at north park. As much as I was devastated, I needed to go home and get healthy. Many people knew that and we're supportive of that decision made by my parents, Cherie, north park faculty, and the faculty at CEDEI. I left that Monday to start school up the next day. My transition back to school was so hard. My advisor told me to start thinking about reapplying to go abroad again which was inappropriate at that time. My mom was in shock when she heard that. After all the stress I went through, the timing couldn't have been more off. I can't say she wasn't right about going abroad again, but that's not the point. After all this happening and being a year later, where am I now? I struggled the last year making a decision on what to do. I went through intensive therapy for months talking to my therapist and I'm still talking to her about it now. I have decided to try again. I am applying to study abroad for a month in Spain and made the decision on my own. It's been one hell of a year, but I couldn't have done it without my family and friends. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today. The whole point of me writing this is to help with my anxiety. And I already feel better after doing so. I'm ready to make new memories in a foreign country and just look at this as a bump in the road. I'm very blessed to have had to opportunity, but now it's time time move on and not dwell on the past forever.

I went on the Steve Harvey show in early November and forgot to upload some pictures that were taken of me. :)

I'm in a shitty mood right now and don't feel like grabbing my journal so bare with me. YOU FRUSTRATE ME. Why can't you ever tell me you're out at the bars with people? And why do two of the people have to be your ex girlfriend and ex hook up buddy? Like thanks pal for the honesty there I really appreciate it. You claim that I put you in these funks but I haven't done anything to you to make you feel that way. It's you being too insecure with yourself and not growing a pair of balls. I'm sorry but is getting a tad bit out of hand. It's like a chore to get you to say "I love you" and for you to even spell it correctly. Like how is that even hard? Rant over. I need sleep and my heart rate needed to go down. Night world :).

Dear sister

Dear sister, Why do you make my life so incredibly hard? I try to do things to impress you, but instead, you feel that I'm rubbing it in your face. Dear sister, Your last homecoming was supposed to be better than last year. Was it? No. I feel that you were trying so hard to make it all about you. I tried to tell you maturely how I felt in certain situations when you embarrassed me in front of my boyfriend and best friend. Instead, you decided to tell me that my feelings are wrong. Sister, why do you think that's okay? You're a social worker, I understand that, but please remember you are not mine. You're my sister not my therapist. Sister, I get the professional advice I need, but sometimes you need to take a step back and remember to stop being the social worker you are. Dear sister, Is it sad I was excited for you to leave this year? I think it is. You made my holiday season miserable. Acting immature is not the way I thought you'd be this year. Sister, you've changed for the good and I wish I could see that in you. I am frustrated with you. You're not acting like the 25 year old you're going to be. Instead, your acting like the 21 year old I'm about to be. Please remember how you felt at my age when I used to criticize everything little thing you did. I remember how sensitive and upset you were with me. Now go back into my shoes and think of how I feel now. Dear sister, I'm ready to start fresh. Are you?

New Year, New Opportunities.

The year 2013 has been one of the hardest years of my life. I became very ill, lost friends, cried more tears than I ever imagined, and never lost hope. I started off the beginning of the year thinking my life was going to change since I was going abroad to Ecuador. Well, it turns out my life did change just not in the ways I hoped. Never getting that opportunity to fully study abroad made my college career ten times harder. I was told on numerous occasions that I would never become a spanish teacher and would fail out of my department. For a while, I blamed myself for getting salmonella. Honestly, it might have been a blessing in disguise, but I never knew how many people I disappointed including myself. Now I look back on what happened to me and know that I am now a stronger person. Being fully accepted into the education department and reapplying to study abroad in Spain are just some ways I never gave up. On the other hand, this year has been hard from all the tears shed. I think back to the times of the year when I was the happiest and when I was most miserable. I'm still trying not to lose faith in my relationships with others. Being in love with someone makes it harder to let go, even if you don't want to. I said some hurtful words to someone I truly love and care about while he did the same to me. I could sit here and say I regret it. But that's not really how I feel. Words can never be taken back, but the way I feel about him will never go away. We have our problems now, but I pray and hope that the new year can bring in a fresh start for us. Some things that didn't make my year so bad were: -getting accepted into my program -being in a loving, committed relationship for 19 months -celebrating my 20th birthday with my friends and family I love -being told that it's alright to think about myself -having a valentine -spending Christmas with my best friend along with my family -having a recovery from my salmonella and it not affecting me today! -and many other blessings in my life. With this being said, 2013 coming to an end is not that upsetting. I had an amazing semester academically and cannot wait to start getting hands on with my teacher aiding next semester. I also go hired to work at Victoria's Secret and I get to go on spring break with my best friend! Things are so far starting to look up for me and I hope they continue to do so. I'm ready to wave goodbye to this incredibly hard year.

darynberry-deactivated20170114

i am so in love with him :)

Well, it has been a very hard week. My grandpa Jerry passed away last Monday while I was in class. Words can't describe how much my heart broke when I heard the news. I know that God had a better plan for him up in heaven, but it has been hard to accept. His wake and funeral were absolutely beautiful. So many people cared about an amazing man who was never negative and full of positive thoughts. I am extremely blessed to have had him in my life. RIP Grandpa Jerry, you are an amazing man.

literally want to smack my spanish professor in the face. sorry i had to come from studying abroad in ecuador because i got salmonella and was hospitalized. and sorry i'm not sure if i can afford going again. lay off!

Blizzard in the chi

me encanta esa canción en español. ¡qué fantástico!

cardinalsoulmates

can't believe i lost a friend of mine to suicide 2 years ago today. RIP Brendan. not a day goes by without thinking about you

key-change

Les Miserables The Musical Phenomenon

8 months with the stud. love him :)

sitting in an Ecuadorian hospital with salmonella sucks big time. it's been three days. HELP.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

footprints