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10 Abusive Men’s conversational tactics every woman should be aware of:

1. Domination of conversation - at any cost

It simply doesn’t matter what it takes - making up a story, repeating the same issue over and over again, increasing the volume of his voice, calling you out on unrelated-unreal issues, taking on a threatening pose to get your attention, getting angry if you don’t carefully listen to what he has to say, throwing a tantrum, accusing you of talking too much, beating down your words, I have even seen abusive men cause fights because they wanted to dominate a conversation with a woman. Last time I tried to talk to a woman, while abusive man was standing next to her, he actually physically dragged her away, just so she wouldn’t be able to get my attention, because I refused to give it to him instead. In their minds, this is reasonable, because they feel we owe them that much, and if we refuse to make them the center of attention, it’s aggression on our part, and any action to beat us down to submission is acceptable and “nothing else should be expected of him”.

2. “What I have to say is important at the moment - every moment.”

You were trying to tell a story? He immediately comes up with a vaguely related story that happened to someone he knew that is somehow suddenly more relevant than what you wanted to say. You were trying to prove a point? He’s going to prove a different point. You have a problem that bothers you? His much smaller problem is bothering him much more, to the point where you have to feel bad for bringing your problem up in the first place. You have an achivement you’re proud of? Wait until you hear what he has done at some point in time that right now feels more relevant to him. In his mind, what you have to say simply doesn’t matter and it’s on him to figure out how to slowly bring that down to you, so you’d finally shut up and accept that his confidence is to be worshipped, yours beaten down.

3. Personal attack

Focus will be on you only if it makes you look bad. If you dared to insist that you’re heard and given a basic bit of attention, or, heavens forbid, said something that goes against his opinions and actions, you will immediately find yourself under a personal attack. You’ll be called out on things that have nothing to do with the subject. You will be deemed unfit to even speak about issues that matter to you. Suddenly, even the issues that you have personal experience and endless statistical data and proof, are not yours to speak of because “he knows better”. You’ll be called slurs, humiliated, discredited, all your knowledge of the subject will be perceived as “silly” and “wrong”, not to mention you’re a horrible person for daring to speak your mind on the subject. The point of personal attack is to make you look bad, but you’re not supposed to notice how it makes him look way worse, you’re supposed to feel rightfully called out and humbled, and fail to notice how your basic human right of speech is being trampled on, how you’re being silenced and hurt by emotional and psychological abuse by a man who found himself threatened by truth you pointed out.

4. Double Standards

“I’m a man” is an excuse not to listen, not to sympathize, not to offer compassion, not to take responsibility for his actions, not to bother with “woman logic”, not to question the consequences of his actions, not to feel guilty for indulging in primarily male behaviour that harms women but is excusable because “all men do it”. “You’re a woman” is an excuse to hold you responsible for men’s actions, and obliged to please men, to maintain your social value and appearance up to certain standards, to fulfill all male expectations and fantasies and ideas about what you should be, otherwise what good you are for? And even if you do all that, you’ll end up reduced to a slur and disposed of whenever it pleases a man to do just that. And don’t be surprised, what did you expect? They’re men.

5. Social Truth

Logic, statistics, experiences, facts, consequences and practical knowledge all have zero value before men’s social perception of what’s going on. Men have already decided that it’s them who’s suffering the worst. They’ve already decided they’re the one who need better treatment and more privileges and liberation from oppression. Men have affirmed this with each other, they’ve agreed amongst themselves that women are oppressive, bother them too much, ask for too much, don’t give them enough, don’t do enough for them. How could women expect for their issues to be taken seriously when men don’t feel like they’ve done enough for them? Men will offer you countless examples where he was expecting something from a woman and she didn’t fulfil it, so how dare she imply she could be the one who’s oppressed? How dare any woman claim anything about her life, her body, her experiences, her problems? Men have already agreed they know better, they feel confident about it because his friends and male relatives and co-workers and bosses and acquaintances will all confirm to him he’s exactly right, he’s telling the truth, how could some miser woman now claim differently? She must be stupid. Truth commonly accepted among men will ignore all evidence, all male privilege, all objective truth, all statistics, all proof. They don’t examine it critically more than “is this going in our favour” and that’s all they need to yell it from rooftops, to violently shut down every woman’s voice claiming differently, speaking from different perspective. They have support. They have backup. Countless men will agree with them. It’s all they need. Truth doesn’t matter.

6. What they don’t consider lying

Nothing is lying. If a lie needs to be told in order for a man to get something out of a woman he otherwise wouldn’t get - it’s considered fair play, in his mind. How could you blame him? After all, if he didn’t lie, he wouldn’t get what he wanted? Isn’t this how all people do things? Isn’t it a way of life? How could you expect him to tell the truth when it wasn’t going in his favour? He won’t even feel guilty. But instead, if you don’t react to his lie the way you should have - in his mind - then you are the bad one. How could you not believe his word, give him your full trust and obedience and perfect reactions he so deeply deserves? How could you even consider that he would lie to you? You don’t know what’s real, you can’t act like he’s lying when you don’t even know if he is. He is excused in saying any lie at all, but you aren’t allowed to doubt it, otherwise how will he get what he wanted and feel completely free of guilt while doing it? You should enable that much to a man, to lie and get away with it, get all he wants, and to feel like a genius for tricking everyone in such a cunning way. Oh, and you shouldn’t feel cheated and lied to because, you know, it wasn’t personal, it was just so he could get what he wants, you weren’t a person to him in this entire scheme, just a prop, you should feel stupid for falling for it, but you know, it’s his win.

7. “I’m reasonable” voice tone

All your passion and emotions that get out of you while you speak that would normally be a proof of how important and valuable talking about this issue is to you, yet he decides to perceive as you obviously spouting nonsense from being too emotional. Does he know you’re telling the truth? Of course he does. Does he know how being invalidated and accused of being “too emotional” and “hysterical” hurts you? Of course he does. Does he care? No. All he wants from you in that moment is to adapt to perspective that benefits him, rather than the one you’re presenting - you know, the one that actually expresses what’s going on and leads to acknowledgment and resolving of your problems. He isn’t interested in you being in less pain or you speaking out the truth, or you struggling less or you bringing to light how much you’re struggling with. Be reasonable. Adapt male perspective. See yourself how men see you. Quit having your own perspective, you know that’s not reasonable. Quit showing emotions about an issue that is of a big personal value to you. Look at me. I’m reasonable. You mean nothing to me. Your struggles mean nothing to me. Be like that. Don’t mean anything to yourself. Be only a benefit to me. Then you too can pretend all your issues are made up. After all your pain means nothing in comparison to benefits we get from it. It’s easy to speak with “I’m reasonable” voice and straight, emotionless face while talking about an issue that doesn’t affect you whatsoever, and you don’t care about the one who is affected, and benefit from what they’re suffering from.

8. “How can you call me out when there’s worse men”

You should be grateful he isn’t worse. He could do worse. He knows he could. He saw other men doing much worse, and thought to himself “damn, I’m nice, this is how things are done when women don’t listen” instead of, you know, intervening and saving someone from abuse like a decent person would do. He saw how cruel men are in other parts of the world. He made sure to remember it and inform women what they could expect from worse men, to remind them to be grateful that he, a nice man, isn’t like that. Now, if you’re going to call anyone out, you should first make sure to call out every guy who is worse, otherwise how is this fair towards him? If a guy who did worse isn’t called out, but he, the “nice” guy is, that is the greatest injustice ever done to mankind, and he will feel hurt and things will be unfair for him. What about you, you ask? What about him hurting you that caused you to call him out in the first place? Oh what’s fair to you doesn’t matter, you are the one who needs to make the world fair for him, or, you know, he might get worse, and it will be entirely your fault, since you didn’t arrange the world to be absolutely and completely fair towards him.

9. “I decide how you should react/your reaction is a provocation.”

Your behaviour is decided by his rules, and every single emotion, thought and action you make should only be made in his convenience. It lies on the premise that only he gets to be a human being and show his emotions freely and react the way he wants, you unfortunately, do not get the human privileges, if you react the humane way - get upset when you’re hurt, get angry when things are unfair and infuriating, point out double standards, argue and demand that your word matters too, want to have your feeling acknowledged or even argue that you have a say in how you should be treated - you’ve overstepped, and suddenly you are all wrong and whatever he does to you in return is what you deserved by provoking him. That’s, right, you being a human being is a provocation, it’s a dangerous straying from the object you’re supposed to be - that you are in his eyes, and you have to be “shown your place”, because after all, his convenience is more important than your life, and you’re only there to obey him and make him feel good about himself. Even while he’s hurting you. Even while he’s using you. Even while you’re reduced to a less than a human being.

10. “You haven’t considered this issue from my perspective enough”

After all, you should look at things from his perspective. But you do. There’s never been a moment you didn’t consider his perspective. Just as there’s never been a moment he has considered yours. And the mere idea of taking a moment to consider your perspective - if he’s even aware that you can have one, and that your words aren’t just there to be crushed until he gets his way - is offensive and crazy to him. Instead, you get called out for not seeing things his way enough. As if you’re the one who is inconsiderate and refusing to acknowledge that he is just a human and that you can’t expect that much from him. But you’ve never forgotten that he’s a human. And you never expected that much, just to not be continually hurt and used by him, and to be treated like a valued human being. But suddenly this is too much? Too much to expect from a fellow human being? Isn’t it a lot like he’s forgotten you’re a human being, and calling you out on something that he actually did? Cruel hypocrisy that he doesn’t even seem to notice because it’s so natural and normal to him to call you out for his own wrongdoings, and to attack you if you’re not willing to obediently take blame.

@women: If a man is talking in this fashion he will get worse, not better. Ditch him at any cost.

@men: this was a list of abusive behaviour, if you don’t do any of these, there’s no reason for you to feel called out, if you do feel called out, I have bad news for you.

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