Today was an "I can't read, or write, or journal, or create, or focus on anything at all" kind of day. I tuned my phone to silent and flipped it over. And breathed. That was my accomplishment today. (I know, I know... I owe phone calls and texts to so many amazing friends who must have somehow felt I was "having a day.") Have you experienced that yet? The unsettling? The feeling that, perhaps, if you stay completely still... that things will somehow right itself? That's where I was today. Being still. Last week's relief has transitioned to grief, and at the end of the day, that's a good thing. What I learned years ago when my world was flipped upside down after my husband left, was that, first, I felt relief. All of the unexplainable things finally had an explanation that made sense, and I had survived the one thing that I thought would have crushed me. When truth is placed at your feet, it feels like relief at first. "Okay, well now that I know what I'm dealing with, I can get to DEALING with it!" Brainstorms and daydreams. Big picture thinking, and pausing to ask yourself what you want to take with you into your new life. Relief pairs up with your imagination and the wheels start turning. But relief? She's a houseguest who eventually leaves, allowing Grief time to knock upon your door. I was reminded today that you need to pause and sit with grief for the path that you had been on. But do you know what? Every single time I have changed course, I was introduced to new people, more engaging experiences, and I discovered new ways which I felt alive. Grief will leave (if she hasn't already started to collect her things) and I'll clean up the mess of brainstorming notes, projects, and ambitions that Relief started charting... because we have a new path to explore, friends! I have absolutely NO IDEA where this one will lead but my aim is "somewhere amazing" and my god... we will celebrate with massive gatherings of friends, consuming all of the foods and drinks we are missing, and taking in all of the art and music and theater and movies and readings and lectures... and, well... you catch my drift. Until then... today was a black white and gray kind of day for me. https://www.instagram.com/p/B-IeIwCJPz8/?igshid=1oky4mhcfljww