Sweeter than fiction. @kendallsnotes-blog - Tumblr Blog

July 15, 2016

My phone’s buzzing nonstop. I look at my wall clock. Oh it’s already 10 in the morning. I squint cause my eyes are sore from all the dramas of yesterday. My chest feels heavy so I tried to breathe calmly. I grabbed my noisy phone to check what’s up. Oh. Shit. Justin! He’s calling me! I immediately sat up from my bed. Damn I totally forgot about him! What am I thinking of not bringing my phone with me? I’m so stupid. Oh what am I going to tell him. I bit my lip as I press the answer button. Here goes nothing. “Hello?” My voice cracked. “Kendall! Oh god! Where have you been?! I can’t reach you for the last 24 hours! Damn! Are you alright? What happened to you?” He shrieked. He didn’t sound angry but I can tell that he’s really worried cause he talks so fast. His last question was like pleading so I think he calmed a bit. “Just. I’m fine. I’m home now. Uh I just went out to…” I stutter cause I don’t know what to say but continued my apology. “I’m sorry for not calling you back sooner. I left my phone here. I’m sorry I really am.” I confessed. How many times do I have to say sorry to people. My cry last night made my voice a little hoarse. I heard deep exhales from the other line. I hope he forgives me. “Okay then.” He replied softly feeling relieved. I closed my eyes. He’s so good. Too good actually. “Uh can I come over?” He asked. It’s like there’s a hot hand that grasped my heart at that moment. That’s the one thing I love about him, his voice. Very touching and deep and you know that he’s honest when he tells you something. We talked for a little while then I ended our call telling him he can visit me later. Besides I’ve got nothing to do and I missed him too. I took a deep breath then I stood up and went to my closet to change my pjs. As I open its hatch something dropped from the top. Its like a piece of paper. I squatted to pick it up. Then shit, I stared at it wide eyed and my heart leaped to my throat. It is a photograph of me and Jed.

July 14, 2016

If only he controlled himself that afternoon it could have been better, may be I'll still stay a little more time with him. I knew Jed from the very beginning of our story, he's impulsive, very touchy, persuasive, and besetting, even when we were still starting. He just can't resist. I thought he'll give me respect and enough space knowing that it's the first time for us to be together again. I did admit to myself that I miss him and I would let him but it just wasn't right. I have too many problems and I can't take it all at once. His eyes are restless but wary while driving me back home. At the road no one seems to speak. And it's a 5 hour drive back to Manila. Good thing that his radio is playing tunes to loosen the tightness of the atmosphere. And I'm cold. I glanced at him. I saw how he gripped tightly at the steering wheel. He clenched his jaw and his eyebrows furrowed. "I thought that we'll make it through tonight." He said. He sounded like he' regrets everything. 'I do too.' O whispered to myself. I hope this didn't happen. It hurts seeing him like this. I can't sleep cause if I did maybe he'll take me to another place again. We stayed silent along the way. It's past midnight already. "We're almost there." Jed mumbled. Getting away means all of it. Away from who I am and who I was. And it's the end of me. I fought back my tears. So this is it. He stopped in front of our driveway. "Please don't go. Please." He pleaded and held my hand as if afraid that I might go. I maintained a straight face. I can't believe I did that! I can win an Oscars for that performance. "I really need to go." I said. 'Hang on, Kendall. Don't break down again this time.' I let go of his hand and opened his car to go out. I really need to leave because maybe if I'll stay there a little longer I might change my mind. I hate myself cause I know for sure that I couldn't stand my own decisions. So I closed the car door. "I'll take you back! You will be mine again!" I heard his shout as I ran and closed the gate. I covered my mouth to suppress myself from sobbing. I'm sorry Jed, but things are very different now and I wish that it could be that easy. I cried myself to sleep that night. Thinking about forgetting Jed makes me so hurt. It's like I can never do that and will never do that but this is the only way.

July 13, 2016

It felt wrong. But my heart is thumping so fast that I can't think right. I'm feeling it... again. How can he get so easily under my skin. He suddenly grips my elbows to turn me around and make me face him. He tilted his head while peering at me. It's intimidating. And I can't look at him straight. Not when his eyes are blazing with wild fires. "J-jed what are you-." Before I can finish my sentence, he crashed his lips on mine. He attacked me with feather light kisses. His lips are moist and hot. I wanted to close my eyes and just savor this moment. But there's a strong thud that suddenly shocked me. It made me tremble. He's still kissing me. And I can't respond and return his kiss anymore. I suddenly felt so weak and my tear drops. So I earned my remaining strength to push him. "No! Stop!" I cried. "You can't just do that to me! Kiss me like you own me again! I'm not just your plastic toy that once you get done playing with it, you just leave it behind and come back again whenever you want to play it! Just stop it! Please..." I sobbed and buried my palms on my face. I broke down. He held me and pulled me to his embrace. "I'm sorry." His voice cracked. I cried on chest. He tried to cajole me. But it's not working. My heart still rumbles. The aftershock of what's been lost crashes down on me in an instant. And I can't take it. "Let me go." I said. And he did. I saw how his eyes hurt. I continue, "I don't understand you. Do you get what I'm trying to say? What are your intentions? Things are very different now. I'm sorry too. But this isn't right. Take me home now please." For the first time since I met him, I saw a touch of fear in his eyes. And oh god what have I done. A part of me shattered. I wanted to take all that back. But this time isn't the right time for this. He bits his lip and nods. What are his reasons for this? I really don't understand why he's doing this to me.

July 12, 2016

It’s not easy and it won’t be easy. I can never just forget what happened before. But yet here we are playing like little kids at the shores of this beautiful beach. I don’t bear him any grudges. He’s still a friend to me after all. I would still let him by into my life. Like this. Anytime he wants to. He didn’t bring back what happened before. Like it’s nothing to him. So I enjoyed his company. We spent time goofing around the beach for like a couple of minutes. We went back to the villa and had our lunch at the table of the gazebo by the beach. We had our little chitchat. He said he missed the stubborn me. So I gave him a taste of that by not talking to him. He just laughed at me. There’s a cliff that caught my attention at the right corner of this gulf, not that far, so I told him that I wanted to go there. He nods at me. I got excited. So at 5 p.m. we started to hike. It’s not that high but enough to see the whole wide natural beauty of the island. “Do you like it?” Jed suddenly asked. I just smiled at him. He knows that I love wandering freely like this often far afield. I know that Jed is at my back and so close to me cause I can feel his hot breath at my nape. I bit my lip. I just let him. I’m staring at the sunset. Oh the loveliness of it. Its my favorite time of the day. I always wonder why sunset is more colorful than sunrise. And now I think I found the answer, it’s an irony of life saying, ‘that sometimes good things happen in goodbyes.’ I closed my eyes. He suddenly hugged me from my back, and kisses my neck softly. I gasped. “No matter baby what I do, I always end up coming back to you. I’m never gonna leave you again.” He whispered.

July 11, 2016

All I ever wanted from Jed is how he treats me like he owns all of me. Like he has all the right to possess me. That’s what I loved about him before. It’s not that much that he takes control of everything we do. I just need to feel wanted and the thought of being watched by someone you love and being taken care of. He’s sensitive but not immature. His power and bravery that kept us going and that he influenced me to be like him. I never saw any sign of fear in his eyes. That is what I looked up to him. But what seems to be the problem and why we broke up is that he took hold of what I used to do. Of what I love. Yes I do smoke. I drink a lot. I enjoy the company of my friends. It is what I do even before we met. So he has no right to question that. I told him about that. He let me, just that I need to lessen it, he warned. And so I did. But our downfall was he never gave me a chance. He changed the rules. I thought he understand. I was ‘choked’ when I was with him. I never thought that it will destroy us, that ‘he’ can destroy us. He was unfair. So we both walked away. If I’m not mistaken it was almost year since then. But I’ve never regretted anything. Months of being with him was so exhilarating and it was a chase. Trouble and danger. Rush and fire play. Screaming and fighting and breaking down. I always prefer complication rather than just an easy life. And he gave me all of that crazy stuffs. No boredom. Always taking risks. Crossroads and dead end streets. Coming undone and never letting go. But we did.

July 10, 2016

The beach is so lovely and the view of the villa is so scenic. It takes my breath away. The blueness of its water cools my eyes. I wanted to dive into the deepest of it. I inhaled the summer breeze. Oh heaven. I wished I lived here. Jed hasn't told me yet where exactly are we. He's somewhere at the hotel may be taking orders for our lunch. And I don't think he knows that I'm here at the shore alone. He's so energetic and in character lately. It's not like him. And I don't know why. Then suddenly it struck me why I'm out here wandering. Oh shit! Justin! My phone! Damn! Why haven't I thought of that! How many calls I've missed from him. He's probably so mad at me right now. I'm so stupid and careless. I sat at the sand. I hugged my knees. What would I tell him? I need to find an excuse. I haven't even ask Jed when will he take me back home. I rubbed my face. Ugh. What have I done. This all in me. My problem. My senselessness. My insanity. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. There's no one to blame here except me. I wanted this from the very beginning. I entertained him. I craved for his presence. I gave him an idea that I do like him too. We spent a lot of time together. Trying to work things out. And now I'm confused and screwed. I wanted to scream now. God help me. Then some rough palms rubbed my left shoulder. I jumped in surprise. Good thing that I haven't screamed like a crazy cat yet. "Penny for your thoughts." He whispered. He's wearing a loose white t-shirt now. "I've been looking for you. You look terrible. Are you alright?" He asked, with brows creased. Terrible? Really? I fixed myself. He sat down next to me. "I'm okay. Uh Jed? When are we going back?" I asked politely. He smirked all of a sudden. And I'm not liking what he's thinking. And I'm right. He stood up and carried me like sack bag then runs to the water and drops me just like that. Here we go, again.

July 9, 2016

He’s at the corner of the terrace collecting some scattered things on a table. I felt embarrassed all of a sudden of what I’ve reacted towards him a while ago. I don’t think he noticed me. So I took one more step to close our distance. “Hey.” I whispered. He smells so manly and I inhaled the scent of his body wash. He did stop for a moment. Then continued on whatever he is doing. “Hmm?” He grunts. “Can you tell me why did you really bring me here?” I asked him. He stiffened. Then turned around to face me. “Uh. I just wanted to be with you. I thought you were gonna go out last night when I bumped you there. And I didn’t know that you were drank. So-” He can’t look at me at the eyes. And he speaks so fast I can’t even understand. “Jed?” So I interrupted him. “Yeah?” He says awkwardly, then rubs the back of his head. A habit he usually does when he’s tensed or explaining so hard or in our case right now he seems hesitant. Not the Jed I used to know that always tries to act cool in front of me. “I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier.” I amend. “Oh no. It’s fine. Its really my fault. Uh I understand why you said that. I would do the same thing If I were you. I mean-” Holy shit. He talks so fast like a kid being scolded and trying to explain to his mother. So, “Jed?” I snapped. “Yeah?” He replied again and repeated the same gestures he did earlier. He’s so adorable. I wanted to laugh but I held it back to myself cause I don’t want to offend him or something. Actually he’s right again. This is what I need right now. A break from everything. I’m thankful now that he tripped me that night and brought me to this paradise. I’m just a brat. He opens his mouth to say something again so I rushed to him and put my index finger on his lips, “Okay. I’ll stay.” I said. Then kissed his cheek and I turned my back at him. But I still got the chance to see his face blushed that sudden. Oh boy. I missed him.

July 8, 2016

I remember Jed. I remember the way he first pronounced my name that made me giggle. I remember how his eyes sparkle when he tells me about his night. I remember how he rubs his hair rapidly and wrinkles his nose when he tries so hard to remember something he can’t recall. I remember how he taps his fingers when he listens to those songs I downloaded at his iPod. I remember his checkered shirt, and his black sneakers that matches mine, and his cross necklace I used to play while I’m watching him asleep. I remember how he eats his pizza, just the toppings and not the crust. I remember when he came to pick me up at 3 a.m. late because he only wanted to drink coffee at 7/11. I remember when he told me that it’s not good to be with my friends at a Friday night. I remember how he grabbed my phone when he caught me making plans again with them. I remember how he threw my cigarette out the window because he doesn’t want me to smoke. I remember when he got mad at me for not calling him sooner. I remember that is the reason why he didn’t talked to me for three straight days. I remember his red eyes gawk at me. I remember how I cried in front of him. I remember exactly what he told me before everything fell apart just like that. I remember when I walked home alone. I remember how I’ve felt when he didn’t run back to get me. I remember that stone I kicked that bounced back from a tire. I remember why we broke up. I remember it all too well.

July 7, 2016

"If all we have is time then we'll be alright..." An acoustic song is playing randomly that woke me up. First thing I saw when I opened my eyes was a white ceiling with shells plastered and others are hanged. So beautiful and very creative. I heard waves of water splashing on the shore and the smell of sea water filled the room. Wind in my hair. Ah. I inhaled the freshness of it slowly. Where am I? I wondered. "It's not love but it's better than dreaming..." Oh. That's his phone ringing at a bedside table. It stopped. Then I heard footsteps from the balcony door. There I saw Jed. He's kind of dripping. He went to swim? Every cut of his muscles have water streaming down on it. I can't take my eyes off of him. I kept on looking at his chest down to his trousers. I regain my composure when I heard him chuckled. "Where the fuck are we?!" I yelled at him. I could feel my face heats up. He caught me staring or may be I even drooled. Shit. "Good morning to you too!" He greeted. All smiles and a wink. God. He's so annoying. "Take me home!" I throw a pillow across the room at him. "You jerk I don't even have my phone with me!" He sighed. "Please calm down. I won't do anything to you. Besides I know that you needed a break too, right? Well, here we are. Just enjoy this for now. Please?" He says to me, as he's talking to a five year old kid. "No asshole! I thought I told you to take me home last night! I need to go home. Someone's waiting for me and for pete's sake I have no things with me. Can't you fucking see? I don't need this! Stop tripping me!" I shouted again at him. I'm so furious. Then I saw his eyes closed. And he faced down. "O-okay then, I'm sorry. We'll go now uh I'll just pack my things..." He mumbled. He then turned around and left me. I even looked at him while he walks away from me. When he's already gone I suddenly felt so weak on my knees. May be I over reacted? But damn I don't even know why he did this? Why me? Ugh. He has my head spinning and gave me mixed signals of what he wants. And this is no good, I'm losing control. I heave a sigh and stood up then followed Jed where he went.

July 6, 2016

His eyes are so playful and he's suppressing a smile. I ran towards him and try to grab my purse. I screamed, "Give me that!" He raised his hand so I won't reach it. I tiptoe and even jumped because he's so tall and I'm just at his chest level. Dammit. "What do you think you're doing!" I shouted at him. I stopped trying. I'm tired and a bit dizzy because I already felt the alcohol kicked in me. And this bastard is just laughing as if he's enjoying a lot. Ugh. He's so annoying. "Why the fuck are you doing this?" I scowl. I think it's already 4 am and I'm still cursing his name. He stopped laughing then asked me, "Don't you miss me?" and still have the guts to smile sweetly. "Fuck. You. No." I really give up now. "Okay just tell me now. What do you really want?" I made a grimace while saying all of that. "Hmm. I want you to come with me." He says. Then opens his car at its shotgun seat and waves his hand kindly like nobleman gesturing me to enter. As if I can do anything? And I'm exhausted and all. I rolled my eyes as I followed his command. I sat like a stubborn kid and grab the car door and smashed it to close. And the next thing I knew, he's already driving me somewhere I don't know. On the highway I feel numb as I look at my window and car's tail lights blurry like shooting stars near me. I'm drained and all I wanted to do is get some rest. "Where are you taking me?" I mumbled. Half-eyes open. And the last thing I saw before everything went black is that his eyes shining so bright and smiling dearly saying, "Just sleep, baby. You'll be alright."

July 5, 2016

Damn him. His lips tasted like mint and alcohol. There's that familiar twitch in my stupid heart again I used to feel when he interrupts me like this. Kissing me when I was in the middle of saying something. I do talk a lot when I'm with this bastard. I have to admit that I do miss those rude interruptions. Damn him. I struggled again and I growled but he pushed my head by his hand so he can deepen the kiss. His eyes were closed. And I can't imagine my face throwing glares all throughout. Damn him. That's it. I bit his lower lip. Hard. "Aww fuck." He cried. "What was that for!" Then shouts at me. I saw that his lip bled. I could also taste metal on my tongue. "I should be the one asking you that, you perv! And take this one too." I kicked his right foot. Then he jumps and growls for pain. I ran to the pavement where cabs are parked waiting. I quickly step into the car. And told the driver to start the engine now and he did. I blew a sigh of relief. Then I suddenly remembered that I've got nothing on my hand. Oh fuck. "Shit. My purse." I cursed. I must've dropped it outside the club when that bastard harassed me. Damn him. I told the driver that we needed to go back. As we reached the club I hurriedly went out of the cab to go search for it. I look at the porch, to the stairs, and at the firewall. It's not there. I even asked the guard but he says he haven't seen it. Ugh. Where the fuck is it! Maybe it's stolen now! "Shit." I cursed for the nth time. I saw a red car on caution where the cabs are parked. My head's down, continuing to search the field. As I go near to that car on caution, I heard someone chuckled, I look up. Then I saw Jed smiling devilishly at me then uttered, "Hi. You looking for this?" Oh. Damn him.

July 4, 2016

The DJ’s mix blasts on my ears as I enter the foyer of the club. The place is not that crowded. It was okay for my night I guess. I walked through the aisle that headed straight to the bar section. I didn’t make any exaggerated gestures to make myself as low-key as possible. I don’t want anyone to notice nor recognize me. I sat on the stool, next to the middle. The bartender smiled at me. He looks familiar. I tapped my nails at the counter trying to remember this guy. “You look so blunt, Kendall. What can I do for you?” He asked then smirked at me. Ah. I tilted my head. “Hi. Jace.” I chuckled. He winked. He’s an ex of my old friend. “Oh sorry ‘bout that. I’m just bothered lately. Uh. One Jack coke please”. I said simply. He nod at me then turned back to do my order. I looked around the place and I felt good. Some flirt. Some just dance. Some try to get wasted. I miss being in a club alone. Jace handed me my drink and I thanked him. I kept on thinking about Justin all throughout my stay there. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He said it alright, the words I’ve been waiting to hear from him but damn it wasn’t enough. I’m still confused because of him. I checked my watch and it’s already 3. I finished one more shot and I’m good to go. I told Jace I’ll be going out and he also offered himself to escort me out. “Oh. I’m not drunk. I’m fine”. I said truthfully. And just kissed his cheek and thanked him. As I step out of the front porch of the club I’m looking for my keys. I didn’t see a guy rushing towards me so I bumped him. I almost fell to the ground because he’s so huge and fast. Good thing I wore sneakers. “Argh. Watch your step assh- Jed?!” He grabbed me then he cornered me at the post near the firewall of the club. “What are you doing?” I spat at him. Argh. “I miss you too”. He said playfully. I rolled my eyes. I struggled to make myself free from him. “Cut the bull you Jerk. Let m-!” I haven’t finished my cry cause his goddamn lips are blocking my mouth already.

July 3, 2016

Cold water pours at my face. It hits me like a cold ice that melts on my skin. Ah. It's so refreshing. I closed my eyes and an image of him flashes in my mind again. Why does his declaration of his love for me didn't bring excitement to my core. I was captured from the day that we first met. So damn attracted to him. This is what I wanted right? For him to fall for me. But what's my problem now? Ugh. It's so frustrating. I stepped out of my shower and dry myself. I picked up my brush. As I do my hair I stared my self at the mirror. So many have changed. From the way I look to the way I expose myself up. But something's off. I put on my make-up. Just enough to highlight my features. I chose a black ripped jeans to match my sleeveless top. And a denim blazer to cover. There I'm done I guess. I collected all my things except my phone. I got all I need. I checked my clock. It's past 11:00 p.m. I lose track of time. I'm not done yet. I wanna have a moment before I go. I took a deep breath. I won't flinch. I need to go out. I need to find myself tonight.

July 2, 2016

He told me he loved me this day. It was the first time he said those three words, eight letters. And somehow I felt... nothing at all. Supposed to be there is something right? I do uh, like him but shit am I? There's no romantic excitement. Goddamn there's no magic. Not even a bit. Like I really felt nothing. No butterflies. No slow motion moment. No crazy thoughts. No fireworks. No colors flashed at my eyes. Nothing. Can someone tell me what this means? Am I really into him? Goddamn I'm confused. This is no good. I think believing him isn't enough. I want more. I need more.

July 1, 2016

I believe him because I can feel it. I believe that he can wait for me. I believe that we can make it through it all. I believe that we will take chances. I believe that there's no stopping and that our roads won't ever end. I believe that this love of ours is the one I've been waiting for all my life. I believe in everything he says and does. I believe him. I believe his love. I believe his soul.

June 30, 2016

I think I just lost my self a while ago. Or maybe it's just the alcohol working. I've been drowning myself since I came home. I got no problems. No heart aches. And shits. I'm just missing the burning sensation of liquor down my throat. I just keep on going down. Sinking lower and over again. And it is just what I need. I won't blame it on the vodka nor the whiskeys and my lovely tequila. Die drunk. Be wasted, and won't remember what happened. "More shots?" My friend asked me. "Yes please!" I blurted out. I won't be sober. Keep on drowning, sight blurred and the world is spinning... until he comes and picks me up at 5. He puts me into his car. And drives me home. Then he carries me to bed. And he caressed my face. And I smiled. He takes off his clothes then joins me. His scent. His hair. His skin. I crawl on top of him and my favorite part is the sound of his heart that will be my lullaby to sleep. So much for drowning.

June 29, 2016

I just hate it when I wake up every morning and I had such a beautiful dream and I think that it is real and then the rattling noise of my alarm goes next to buzz me up, startled me wide-eyed and it's all gone... It left a hollow feeling in my chest that I can't breathe properly. It's so awful. And It terrifies me. All I can think is that my dream should still be happening and never stops. Even though it wasn't perfect; that the contents of it still hurts me and affects me in so many ways, I never wanted it to end. Even if I've tried to close my eyes again, to sleep and have a chance to dream of that dream again it didn't happen. Better than I ever could envision it would be or just put a sequel to it. No, it never came back. It's like losing something. I just want to feel that everything is certain and infinite. Because all I ever regret waking up to and ending it is that my dream was all about being with him...

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