up & up

@kennynotbarbie Kennedy. 22. ΦΦΦ. I'm probably eating pizza.

[kennedy-coleman]

clairewallace:

“You didn’t need to say it out loud Ken, I can see it clearly.” She sighed. “Please don’t tell me you are still mad at me.”

“I’m just surprised you’re taking precious time out of your day to talk to someone as immature as me, that’s all.”

[kennedy-coleman]

michaelyounguncw:

‘’It’s not easy for me either.’’ Michael admitted, with some reluctance. ‘’I think this is our mutual problem. We’re both the way we are, for one reason or another, and miscommunication killed us. I had no idea I meant that much to you before I went ahead and fucked up. I can tell you that you meant, mean, a lot to me but at one moment, I didn’t see the point. You were all in your world, talking about other guys, and at that particular moment, I didn’t see the point. Guess I was jealous.’’ He broke that against his own will, he didn’t want to admit it to himself, let alone out loud. ‘’But if I had known exactly how you felt, I wouldn’t have done it. I realize that it’s difficult for you to believe because I’ve done it countless times before to other girls, but you’re not just another girl.’’ If someone actually heard the way he talked to her, they would have never believed their own ears. ‘’I guess I can’t change your mind whether you decide to be friends again or not, because – the ball’s in your court now, but I just wanted to explain myself better than I was able to a month ago. I don’t like promises, so I’m not gonna say ‘I promise’ but I’ll do my best if you give me a chance. If not, that’s also fine. I don’t like it, but I respect it.’’ He breathed out through his nose. ‘’You don’t have to say yes or no right now, but you do know where to find me. Just think about it, okay? But like really give it a thought. It’s really easy to make a decision when all you think about is how someone hurt you, not really taking into account how miserable and sorry they feel about it.’’

All the things he said should’ve been making her feel better, the you mean a lot to me and you’re not just another girl sticking out in her mind. Even with those, she couldn’t shake her initial fears, not at that moment anyway. She nodded slightly, lifting up her t-shirt and running it under her eyes. Great, as if I couldn’t look sexier she thought to herself, wishing she had an actual tissue but nope, she got to stand there looking like a tear/makeup-streaked mess in front of Michael, again. She looked up at him again once he mentioned considering how the whole thing was making him feel, and she knew she had to tell him. Not just lead on to the fact things were shitty in the past, actually tell him. “I know you’re sorry, Michael, I do...but it’s not that easy. I went through a really shitty experience in high school where I was really into this guy and he asked me out on a dare...when I found it, after being lead on for about three months, it killed me, and I don’t want to feel that way again. I know you’re sorry about what you did, but seeing you and Claire brought all those feelings back again, and you don’t know how shitty it feels to be humiliated like that. To believe one thing and have it diminished in less than a couple seconds...it’s fucking horrible. I have been thinking about this and us and I will think about it, but you need to understand that I can’t go through that again. I just...I’m sorry.” She could barely stand the sound of her own voice anymore, and she wanted to get out of there before she started ugly sobbing or something of that level of embarrassment. She pretty much shoved the hoodie back towards him, not wanting to hold it captive at that time, before scurrying off in the direction of her house. It wasn’t right, not yet.

[kennedy-coleman]

clairewallace:

“Do you want me to give it to you? Or are you still avoiding me?”

“I can get a book on my own, I’m not always stupid. And I never said I was avoiding you,  I just thought everything we needed to say had been said our last conversation. Didn’t feel the need to start that up again.”

[kennedy-coleman]

michaelyounguncw:

At least she wasn’t brushing him off or telling him to go hell. That was a start, wasn’t it? He had some time to think and he knew what he did was wrong, especially because he was leading her on. But she was different, alright. Michael had led on countless girls before her but somehow, along the way, in between the flirtation and the jokes and the bickering and hanging out, he got stuck on her. To say that he wasn’t planning on focusing or pursuing any girl was an understatement. Michael was in a pile of crap because if he didn’t enter the NBA tryouts and further, he wasn’t going to have anything to fall back on. And instead of focusing on that, there he was, doing something he had never done once in his life – sincerely apologizing the best way he knew how. ‘’I know,’’ Michael nodded. ‘’I know how I acted. I mean when I look back on that mess, it seemed like something I’d do, something that’s fuckin’ – I don’t know – expected of me? I’m not sure how to explain it to you so you can understand, but this entire thing that I am here is the only thing I know how to be. And then you came along and started changing that and it fucked me up because I started questioning my own moves which I’ve never done before. And when you’re, when you’re in my shoes…’’ But was he ready to actually tell her about his family? Who his father was? Anything at all? It got stuck in his throat and he looked somewhere behind her, in the distance, avoiding eye contact for the first time that evening. ‘’Things are just not black and white. I just slipped into the behaviors I felt were familiar. I know I’m talking a bunch of psycho bullshit here but I don’t know how else to put it.’’ He admitted, lowkey hating himself. He smiled when she mentioned there little instances, yet it was almost a half-hearted smile, more of an acknowledgement. ‘’We’re never going to be that version of us.’’ He said bluntly, looking back at her. ‘’The second we moved into the whole ‘we could be more than friends’ zone, there was no going back. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing, you know? We can maybe learn to be around each other again and then go from there.’’

‘When you’re in my shoes...’ Just as fast as that little statement drew Kennedy in, it was over, the look on Michael’s face seeming to say that whatever he was about to bring up wasn’t right. It would’ve been okay if it had been left at that, but then he started mentioning behaviors and all their differences, and the panic she’d been pushing down for so long started rising in her chest. “I’m just...I’m terrified, Michael. Letting people in, that’s not easy for me. Actually telling you that I liked you more than a friend was so hard for me, because I was so used to that phrase backfiring on me...” she trailed off for a moment, understanding Michael’s moment where he went off of a point. Telling him about her past, about the boy from high school who pretended to like her for a good few couple months before revealing that he only asked her out on a dare, the small action that fucked up her own view of love? She didn’t know if it was the right time to divulge that. She shook her head, jumping back in. "With you, it did. And I know you say it’s different now, I get that, but what if it happens again? I don’t wanna fall for you all over again just to be crushed again. I can’t go through that again, Michael. This has been one of the worst months of my life, and I can’t say yes to you if this will fuck me up any more than it has. I don’t wan’t to be hurt again.” Her voice broke the tiniest bit when she uttered the word hurt, the tears she’d been attempting to hide now freely tumbling down her cheeks. 

[clairewallace-blog1]

“What? Do I have something on my face? What are you looking at?”

[kennedy-coleman]

“I just...want the book on the shelf behind your chair.”

[kennedy-coleman]

michaelyounguncw:

It was only a matter of time before she’d tell him to cut the crap; and Michael was no bullshitter either – at least most of the time. Their last encounter went exactly the opposite of how Michael had wanted it to go; but we cannot always get what we want, can we? Michael was used to things going his way. Born in a rich family in a somewhat public eye, but still not too much to disrupt the way he was living. Always getting what he wanted, always being the popular kid, always having the world in the palm of his hand. The one time things did not go his way and he banged his head against the wall, he felt like everything collapsed, and it might as well could have. He was never taught to deal with such situations, so he did the one thing that seemed reasonable at the time – pay off someone who needed it and leave. Not that he minded his father’s ‘disappointment’ – his father was so wrapped in his impeccable career and public image that whatever Michael did was never good enough, so hearing him say that out loud didn’t make much a of a difference. However, moving to another place where people had no idea about him and not having the resources that he once had was a big change. Blessing or a curse – he still couldn’t tell. He was quickly to build up a reputation: star basketball player with an NBA potential, social chair of one of the best fraternities on campus – what more could he want? But then there came Kennedy and without him even realizing it, she warped everything in his life. He wasn’t supposed to care, but he did. And couldn’t do anything about it. ‘’Well, first of all,’’ He began and pulled his hoodie over his head, offering it to her. ‘’How ‘bout you don’t freeze to death?” He said, and put his hands inside his pockets. ‘’Aight, here’s the thing,’’ He wasn’t even sure what was he trying to say. ‘’I fucking miss what we used to be. Somehow it all got twisted and shit. Out of all these girls that always take selfies and post on their social networks 24 hours a day to prove themselves, you were a dash of fresh air. You don’t fit into these social conventions that everyone’s so fuckin’ concerned about. You do your thing and I’ve never seen a girl more carefree in my life. I bet you’d choose a hamburger over a salad and that’s fucking amazing.’’ He was talking, but he wasn’t sure where was he going with it. It was just pouring out of him. ‘’And I’m not gonna act dumb and stand here and be like – I fucked a girl, why were you upset when we were just friends? because that’s not how it was. I know we had a thing and I fucked your cousin. And that’s the shittiest move I’ve pulled ever since I came here. If you ask me why I did it, I’m not gonna be able to tell you, there’s no logical explanation but pure spite and alcohol. I don’t know what was I trying to prove. I guess I’m used to girls chasing after me even when I do shitty things. And when you didn’t, when you cut me out just like that – it hit me. And I don’t want to be cut out of your life anymore.’’

“Michael, you don’t-” Kennedy started to say, waving her hands to signify that she was fine and didn’t need anything, but ended up reluctantly taking his hoodie and draping it over her arm. What came next, didn’t really know how to respond to it. If things were normal, she’d probably cut him off with a comment along the lines of Salad is disgusting, who wouldn’t choose a hamburger over one? Duh. Instead, she listened, her stomach knotting up with every word. She wanted things to be right between them, too, but she didn’t exactly know how they could be. Although it wasn’t in the form of an apology, she could tell that it was one, or at least as close to one as Michael got. She sighed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear as she thought about his words. Did she believe them? Yes, but so much had changed in that month. “I don’t want that either, I just...” She let out another sigh, this one heavier than the last. “You acted like it didn’t matter when I said I was done with everything we had, and I think that’s one of the things that hurt the most. It was like it didn’t even affect you, like you weren’t even gonna try and it didn’t matter if things got fixed.” She had to stop talking for a second, trying to keep it together getting harder by the second. “You are...were one of my closest friends here, and I hate that I lost that, but I just don’t know how things can change. I want to believe you, I want to so bad, but my mind always goes back to that night and all the shit that went down. I don’t know how to get past it, Mike. I wish we could rewind to when I was coming up with a thousand different nicknames for you and you were always challenging me to drinking games, I’d love to be that version of us again...but I don’t know how.” She looked off to the side when she finished that sentence, not wanting to make it completely obvious that her eyes were welling up.

[kennedy-coleman]

michaelyounguncw:

‘’That’s pretty weird but okay. I mean, as long as she’s not like a covert serial killer or something.’’ Michael shrugged casually, as if he was telling her about the most random of things. He was already pretty good at reading Kennedy, but after the little incident, he could not be sure about the sincerity of her words because she might have been still pissed at him but brushing it off. However, he was not stupid enough to miss out on a chance for a conversation when he was given a somewhat green light for it. He was glad he was just shooting hoops beforehand and didn’t need a change of gear. Throwing a ball into the ball pool, Michael jogged over to her, pushing his hoodie over his head as he knew they were about to face the chilly air again once they were out of the gym. Opening the door for her, he might have underestimated a need for a jacket. ‘’So… what have you been up to?”

“Anything’s possible,” she shrugged back, giving him a half-hearted smile that didn’t really reach her eyes. They were generally quiet as the exited the gym, giving him a nod as he held the door open and crossing her arms over her chest once they were outside. Her shoulders tensed up slightly as she crouched into herself, trying to retain some body heat. It probably would’ve been smart to bring a thicker jacket or a sweater, but Kennedy seemed to leap before she looked most days. She looked over at him when he spoke up, trying to think of something interesting that she’s been up to. She normally would’ve gone on a rant about some cartoon she’d been binge watching on Netflix, but things were far from normal. “N-nothing really,” she replied awkwardly, stopping in her tracks. She sighed, her breath coming out in a heavy puff as it hit the cool air; she didn’t want to beat around the bush. If they were going to actually have a conversation, she didn’t want it to be small talk. “Look, if there’s something on your mind, can you just say it? I don’t wanna play games. I’m so tired of games.”

[kennedy-coleman]

michaelyounguncw:

Michael looked around the gym as if he was really checking if it was an advising office and then confirmed, dead serious, with a shrug of his shoulders – that indeed it was not. ‘’What are you doing asking for an advising office at 10 pm?” He asked, a little confused about it, but then it quickly crossed his mind that maybe she wasn’t even doing that – it was just an excuse, and lowkey wanted to slap himself for asking such a dumb question. ‘’Wait,’’ He caught himself saying instead. ‘’Do you like – want me to walk you there? Because it’s like– nighttime and it’s dangerous and shit.’’ University campus? Hardly dangerous at all, but it was an obvious excuse, just like hers.

“I just...I thought she worked late. She mentioned something about doing evening advising, but I guess she went on her Christmas vacation early or I’m an idiot...or both.” She nodded awkwardly, ready to turn out the door when she heard his voice. It’s dangerous and shit. She raised an eyebrow; the most dangerous thing about campus was attempting to find your way in Greek Row after the first round of rush parties. Odds are she could get to where she wanted to go without any trouble, but there was something in the tone of his voice that made her stay there instead of running out. She missed him, that wasn’t something she was gonna lie to herself about, but it was also something she wasn’t going to straight up admit. She may have wanted her friend back, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t still totally pissed off at him. “I mean...yeah, whatever, if you really want to.”

[kennedy-coleman]

michaelyounguncw:

The sound of the ball bouncing off of the hoop and back to him was incredibly loud in an empty gym – a lot of people didn’t know that. That was one of the reasons he always quickly jogged off to get it back. However… that also meant that Michael was able to hear any other sound that came into the gym, including someone at the door. He turned around – wasn’t it too late for anyone to come inside at that point? And he almost dropped the ball that bounced off into his hands at the sight of Kennedy. ‘’Hey,’’ He somewhat greeted her but was mostly left mind blanking.

When was the last time when Kennedy and Mike actually talked? Oh yeah, probably right after everything between them blew up. It had to have been at least a month since they’d exchanged more than two words. It was so weird; they used to talk all the time, and even if it wasn’t about anything important, they were still talking. “Hi,” she said back, glancing around the mostly empty gym. “This...yeah, this definitely isn’t the advising office,” she sighed, that being the only thing she could think to say. She looked at him for half a second, noticing the pissed expression he wore. It probably wasn’t the best time to chat. “Well, I’m gonna go look for it and...leave you to that.”

[michaelyounng]

They had a good game the previous weekend and now they’re about to head into yet another one, but Michael’s head was not in it. He feared that his teammates might notice it, but as long as he was scoring points and the team was doing fine, he felt safe. Still, that didn’t silence the loud thoughts screaming at him in his head and distracted even on an empty court, Michael took a shoot at the hoop and missed. It sucked.

[kennedy-coleman]

How Kennedy ended up at the school gym, she wasn’t sure. It started as a trip to visit her academic adviser, but she somehow ended up taking a left when she could’ve taken a right down the hall and there she was. She poked her head in for a moment, just to make sure she wasn’t confusing things. Maybe she is in here and is just trying for a change in atmosphere. She pretty much collided into the door handle as she automatically backed up when she realized she wasn’t alone in there, her eyes following as Michael’s shot bounced off the backboard. She attempted to play it as cool as possible, running a hand through her hair and trying to make it look like she was there for a reason and not planning to bolt in less than ten seconds.

[kennedy-coleman]

clairewallace:

“Why not? You have been lecturing me for the last 15 minutes.” Claire shrugged, rolling her eyes at the shorter female. God, this was high school all over again, some people refused to grow up and act their age. “Oh my God..” She snorted. “I don’t wanna have a fuckin wonderful life with Michael. It was just a sex, it doesn’t mean anything. I am not you, I don’t start planning a wedding whenever a guy pays attention to me.” She stated flatly, crossing her arms against her chest. When Kennedy brought Claire’s mother up, the brunette swallowed hard. That was a low blow but Claire wasn’t going to give her cousin the satisfaction. “That’s my excuse for being alone or being fucked up. What’s your excuse for being insanely childish and stupid? Like your parents are around you, people don’t leave you, yet you lose your shit once you realize life is far different than you’ve imagined in your little head. Let’s say I am way worse than you are – but hey, he still wanted to fuck me right?”

“Well I guess my excuse is I didn’t expect some whore to come into my life and fuck things up, but at least I’m getting rid of that issue now. But you’re right, unlike you, guys would want to marry me...although, let me guess, you’d be the person my husband leaves me for, because that’s something to be really proud of, right? And I’m sorry, are you still talking to me? Because last time I checked, I had nothing more to say to you. Have a nice Thanksgiving.”

[kennedy-coleman]

clairewallace:

“Then how am I supposed to know you have feelings for him? Like that means I have to stay away from every guy you talk to, which is dumb. If you care about him that much, you should’ve told me. You can’t blame me for this. I didn’t do anything wrong.” She shrugged her shoulders. Claire let out a snort, mocking her cousin with her eyes. “Really? Campus slut? So creative. What’s so wrong about being easy? I can do whatever I want, like I don’t give a shit if you wanna wait until 4th date or whatever, it’s your choice. What’s the problem? You’re just jealous because you’ve been, brainwashed by puritanical assholes who think sex should be sacred and important. Life is very different than those stupid teenager movies you’ve been watching for years. And if I were you - and thank god I’m not, cause you are immature teen prom queen - I would stop and I would reconsider your whole value system, because everything you think you know is wrong.”

“Really? You’re going to preach to me about who I am and what I know? That’s hilarious.” Kennedy shook her head. There was a slow build up of anger, and Claire’s words pretty much ignited the fuse for it. She almost laughed at the ridiculousness of it all...almost. “You know what? You and Michael can have a wonderful fucking life together, how about that? Although let’s be real, he won’t stick around for long, because you send people away, Claire. They leave once they’re done with you, and you know it. All your one night stands...even your mom didn’t want to stay. And you can add me to that list now, because I’m done talking to you now for good. You might be related to me by blood, but you sure as hell are not my family.”

[kennedy-coleman]

amyyxrodriguez:

“I can deal with a stupid drama. I am good at giving advices and resolve conflicts. Come on, try me.”

“It’s...complicated. That’s only word I can think to describe it. But okay, long story short is I liked this guy, and I thought he liked me, but we ended up getting in a fight over like, literally nothing, and then he got drunk and fucked my cousin...and yeah, I’ve kind of been trying to wrap my head around that. Good times. Gotta love college.”

[kennedy-coleman]

clairewallace:

“You didn’t tell me word! How am I supposed to know that?” Claire almost yelled, rubbing her temples. “With the way you talked about him? That’s bullshit, how old are you? Twelve? You should’ve told me.” She rolled her eyes. After Kennedy’s words, Claire clenched her jaw and shook her head. “Are you jealous because Michael had sex with me? Or are you jealous because everybody wants to have sex with me?”

“Should’ve told you? I don’t have to tell you anything. Last time I checked, you aren’t my mom. And jealous of you? Are you fucking kidding? Do you know what people say about you, Claire? Why would I be jealous of the fact that people refer to you as the campus slut? You may think it’s because everyone wants to have sex with you, but you’re easy, Claire. You’re a good fuck, and that’s all you’ve got going for you. So go ahead, tell me I’m acting like I’m twelve, but at least I’m not known for being trashy.”

[kennedy-coleman]

chrismaddox:

“Ah, alright. I get that. I mostly spend mine with the family, but this year I’m staying here.” he nodded a few times, fixing his gaze upon her. “I actually don’t have any plans. Not going back home, so I’ll probably just skip it this year.” shrugging his shoulders lightly, Chris’ lips curved into a small smile. “What about you? Anything big going on for Thanksgiving?”

“Jeez, it seems like everyone’s staying this year except me. Don’t let any drunk frats pelt you with turkey guts or whatever they do, I try and stay away from them during most holidays. And other than attempting to win this years turkey eating contest, which my brother usually beats me at, uhh...not a whole lot. Pretending to do my essays, watching too much Netflix, y’know. The usual weekend thing.”

[kennedy-coleman]

samanthamilleruncw:

Sounds like a great idea, honestly. I’m gonna have to stay for Thanksgiving, my Dad’s in Europe for a business trip so I have literally nothing to do back home.

Aw, well I can totally swipe some turkey and mashed potatoes for you if you don’t mind leftovers when I get back. For a family of five, my parents tend to go a bit overboard and make food like we’re serving the army. If we weren’t all the way in New York, I’d totally invite you to tag along.

[kennedy-coleman]

clairewallace:

“Why can’t I sleep with Michael?” She asked with a snort, furrowing her eyebrows. She was confused. “I have no idea how you feel about Michael. You haven’t said a word to me, now you are coming at me. How the fuck am I supposed to know? You didn’t tell me a word.” She defended herself, raising her hands. “Are you mad at me because I slept with a random guy and not reading your mind?”

“I’m mad because it’s Michael, and he was special to me. He was my guy, and with the way I talked about him, I didn’t think I had to say it. I can’t just jump on every single walking, talking guy in sight and not think about the consequences like you, Claire! I have sex with someone when it means something. I don’t walk around like I’m trying to break a world record of how many people I can fuck in under twenty-four hours.”