But this is the only place I can get this off my chest.
I think about you a lot. Especially everytime I see your name on Facebook. I remember how we used to always talk, and then never talk enough.
I remember how I used to always be there for you, and then always never be there.
I used to calm you down, and then be the reason you couldn't.
I remember how much I made you happy, and then how much I made you hurt.
I remember how great I was for you, and then how toxic I became.
I remember how much I loved you, and then ruined everything I could ever have with you.
I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could go back to the first day we met and do everything differently. I wish that I never lied, especially for so long. I wish I never thought what I was doing to keep you happy was more important than telling the truth. I could have made you even happier with the truth.
I was scared, lost, and just wanted to make you happy.
But I can never change anything.
I can't talk to you. I know how toxic I was and I know if I ever made a move to try; I would only bring that toxicity with me.
I know what I did was wrong and I know what I have become to you is toxic. And I know nothing will ever make that better. Nothing will ever change it. Nothing I say or do will ever remove that toxicity.
And I don't ever want to bring that back to you. I miss you, but I see how well you're doing. You can live without me and I can never take you back. Your life is not as toxic as it was with me.
And I couldn't be any happier for you.
The reason I'm writing this all today is because I dreamt about you. I didn't even know it was you until I saw your name scrolling down Facebook. It clicked like a bowling ball hitting pins. It made my heart ache and my body want to shut down. Those memories came flooding back and the dream made so much sense.
Because the fact is, I never stopped thinking about you. And the dream made me realize that.
In the dream, you were being haunted by a ghost that only you could see, only haunted you, and whom followed you around and tortured you.
And I was there. Not as me, but as the me you knew for so long. I tried to help you. I was there for you and I managed to calm you down.
But then the ghost took me. I disappeared. I became part of the ghost.
And who saved me from the ghost?
You screamed about how you're not scared of it anymore. Of how you don't need me, or anyone else to protect you. Of how you were no longer scared of anything it could ever do to you.
I was back again, and you had hugged me. But that is where it ended.
It made me realize how much I wish I could change everything. How I couldn't just hold it in any longer.
I hope you never read this. Because you might try to talk to me again. You might want to say something, and the last thing I want to hear is that you do miss me. That you do think of me.
Because I am toxic. I am toxic to you and even if I redeam myself, I will always be toxic. I can't do that to you. Not again.
Since you, I have gotten better. I make sure to always be myself and never hurt anyone ever again. I don't want to be toxic, even though I haven't been as toxic to anyone as I was to you. But it still hurts. It hurts how bad I was for you, and to you.
If by chance you ever do read this, which is basically impossible, I just want you to know I am okay. As much as I would love to talk to you again and be there for you; we both know that that won't be healthy. There's a small part of me that thinks it could be healthy, and its a hope that I ignore because I don't want to risk bringing that toxicity back to you.
I'm basically writing this to acknowledge that I was toxic. I need to acknowledge that I was toxic. That I messed up--that I was, at one point, the worst human being ever. I can't hide it and I shouldn't.
And I'm writing it here, on this platform, because it's the one that hurts the most. Sure, I could post it on Facebook, but the truth is, is that you would see it. You would see my words and I don't want you to.
I don't want you to see how much I miss you. Or how much I still think about you. I want you to forget me. I want you to eventually forget everything about me. Or at least have me as this fragment of your memories that is just there.
I was toxic. I am still toxic. Those memories will never fade if you came back to me. Even if just as friends.
Thank you, however, for coming into my life. You did nothing wrong. Everything that happened was my own. You were great. You are great.
You will do great things.
dededos
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind
2087
snowghoul
stormborns
